please help

Anonymous

Precous sisters of my heart,

I'm afraid it's time for me to focus differently. While all of us are free, yea, encouraged, to vent and even wallow when needed, for a long time my needs will be overwhelming to this group. With losing my partner and home followed by losing my son, bootface seems to fade into the background in my life and it is unlikely that I will have much wisdom or support to offer for quite a while. I am currently not facing treatment, recurrence, surgery...just coasting along.

Know that I am going to be okay. I am needed and will find the courage to go on and sustain those around me. There are a couple of support groups I'm checking out and plan to be involved. I know I will discover another circle of people who understand and will not tire of listening. It is unreasonable to expect others to listen every time something comes up. Having a place of understanding at those times is such a blessing. Lighthearted moments and joyful times are on my agenda for sure. I will remain open to them and embrace them when it is time. For now there is the work of grief to do.

This group has taught me just how much it helps to talk with others who have "been there" and are never "fed up" with talking about bootface. You have been a miracle, and will continue to be. I have delighted in the journey to the Emerald City with you and will always carry you in my heart. Having a life-threatening disease and the constant shadow of it has brought together one of the most diverse, amazing group of women I have ever known. You are all my heroes.

If anyone cares to send a PM on occasion, I will get a notification email and read/respond. It is likely that I will also drop in to check up on all of you, but won't post...just a loving presence in the background.

Please keep on being the loving, silly, fascinating, sweet, ribald, creative people you are.

Judie

dink

Hello ladies:

I have to tell a funny.  Tonight , of all nights, I slipped in the the shower with my husband and we started smiling and laughing because we were trying to hurry before the grandbaby noticed we were missing - he was into his "kid shows."  Don was already in shock then I reached up to pinch his nipples and befor he caught himself he reached up to grab my breast/nipples and I started laughing and he put his head down and we both started laughing so hard.  It was really funny and a shock all in one.  I told him to go ahead and grab it woudl take a while for hime to find them.  That's the first time I have alughed in a while other than Cathi's jokes as well as some of the other things said on this sight.  This is an amazing site and I really enjoy it.  Sorry for the worped since of humor.

Leesa

Wren

Happy New Year to you all!

I've been busy with having my grown 'kids' home and lots of cold snowy weather. Now that they have gone back to college I can have a bit more time to read, etc...

Today I had another follow-up appointment at my plastic surgeon and her nurse told me that I got an "A+" for my outstanding breast reconstruction. They removed a few more stitches (that wouldn't dissolve) and I go back in a couple months to make my tattoo appointment.

Even though I'm fighting a cold (taking Zicam and Vitamin C) I am looking forward to a year without any planned surgeries.

My heart is with you all and I think of you every day. I just love the pictures that Fumi posted of Shirlann's cruise... they are so coloful and luxurious. It must have been quite relaxing. Thank you, Fumi, for asking about me too! And Sue, check in when you can.

I hope those of you who are feeling bad or are sick will feel better soon.

Hugs to all of you!

bee5467

Judie -- I've been reading here since about September . . . I have come to respect your gentle support, and your amazing ability to speak to a person's core request for help, whether they realized it or not.  

My dear sweet Father died in May.  It was in the middle of chemo & rad.  All the messages of support, genuine as they were, seemed to be coming into a fog.  It really didn't matter what people said, I was lost and needed to go deep within myself.  And I needed time.  

 God bless you, Judie. 

portiasproudmom

I understand where you're coming from, Judie.  You are one of the kindest, wisest, and most caring people I've ever had the honor of knowing.  You will be missed more than I could ever tell you. 

Thank you for always being there for me and the other dear sisters on this thread.  You are a very special person.  Bless you.

Love and hugs,

Karen

portiasproudmom

Cute story, Leesa.  I wonder how many more times he'll grab for those nipples before it sinks in.  LOL!!

Hugs,

Karen

portiasproudmom

Good to hear from you, Wren.  I'm so glad you're happy with your reconstruction.  Doesn't it feel great not to have any surgeries looming out there in the near future? 

Thank goodness the snow is finally gone!  Are you as happy as I am?  Now, of course, they're talking about rain storms coming our way again.  Why can't we have calm weather??  Blechhhh!!  I guess it could be worse--we could be in Spokane!  Hey, isn't that where Jule lives??  Poor Jule!!!

Hugs,

Karen

geebung

Judie - I can see why you will be searching out other support groups. I hope you find one that is warm and loving and full of empathy - just like you. I will miss seeing you post here - you always have such wisdom, humour and sensitivity. All my best wishes and love to you.

Wren - congratulations on your outstanding recon results! I am so happy for you. What a great feeling it must be to have your surgeries behind you with only tattoos to go.

Leesa - loved your shower story! There's nothing like a healing, loving, laugh.

I miss hearing from Sue and Ulla but I realise how busy they both are - Sue with your unappreciated hard work and Ulla with your studies. Love to you both. 

Karen, your time in the mountains sounds like fun. Children + dogs + snow - what a great combo. 

I have been watching the 5pm news and seeing Europe covered in snow and very cold conditions in the US & Canada as well. What a contrast to what we are experiencing here! It's b%#@$y HOT! Too hot for me. To think we were wearing coats last Friday night now it's like an oven! Down in the valley, it's 42 degrees(C) and must be in the high 30s here. I would love to roll in some snow right now! 

 Love to you all

xoxox 

portiasproudmom

We closed on our construction loan today.  The access issue still hasn't been resolved, but hopefully it will be soon.  I want to be in the new house by this time next year.

Chase has had a stomach bug for the past three days.  He no longer has a fever and he was able to hold down 3/4 of a Subway sandwich tonight, so he's definitely on the mend.  I hate having a sick child. 

Love and hugs to everone,

Karen

portiasproudmom

Stay cool, Jane!  I'd send you some of our relentless rain if I could.  It was a miserable day today!

Hugs,

Karen

geebung

Karen, I'm sorry to hear that Chase has been sick but glad he is recovering. Once they keep that little bit of food down they tend to bounce back quickly and want to devour everything in the house!

xox 

hollyann

Towhee (Judie)...My sincere condolences to you.......What a hard life you have had recently......If anyone has a right to come and rand and rave here it is you......Please don't be a stranger......Come and rant all you want to...Yell, scream,  curse if you want......We all understand loss and how it makes us feel....Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers......Hugs and love....Lucy

NanaOfTen

Towhee, the short time I have been a member here, you have been great! My heart goes to you with all your crosses you bear now in your life. God bless and be with you. I know I will miss your kind words.

dink, i think it's great that you and your hubby are able find humor in your life, shows as one has in their signature ... what did that say? sexy is definitely an attitude!!!! not bra size!! 1cathi

fumi, i so want to play chess on the board ... that looks like such fun!

update on me: my surgeon called me late yesterday. he had my report. Told me I have infilterating adenocarcinoma. Told me I would be going though a lot of tests in the next week or two. MRI, bone scans, etc.

What will these tests tell? I know what infilterating means ... 

He wants me to see (and he named the oncologist) as soon as possible. said he had paged him. Five minutes later the oncologist called and I am seeing him this morning. I will have blood drawn this morning and I see the surgeon on Friday. Things are going to happen fast now, I know it. I am more nervous than I was before I got the results.

chip up and hanging in,

Cheryl

EWB

Towhee, I am so sorry for all that has happened,  I pray that you are able to find a quiet gentle healing place as you tend to your heart and soul.  Know that the quiet, graceful words of your posts have touch me (and I am sure others) and now is the time to focus on you.  Be as kind and gentle with yourself as you have been with others.

Be well dear one. 

NancyD

Cheryl,

A breast MRI will tell them the size and location of the tumor area. That will give them an idea of whether a lumpectomy or a mastectomy would be better for you. If it's close to the chest wall, they may suggest chemo first to shrink it so they don't have to cut into the chest muscle to get clean margins.

The CT/PET is usually a full body scan done to get an idea if there has been any distant metastisis, but it will also show any strong involvement of the lymph nodes. Microinvasion of the lymph nodes isn't visible on this test, though, so that is why they remove them surgically and check them carefully.

The bone scan also looks for metastisis, but it can also be used as a baseline scan if you will be on hormonal therapy post surgery. The anti-hormonals (especially the aromatase inhibitors like Arimidex and Aromasin) can cause bone density loss.

And I'm sure they're testing it to see what the hormonal and HeR status is.

One piece of advice I have for you: if you will be getting more than four doses of chemo, seriously consider having a port put in. No matter if you have great veins now, the chemo can do nasty things to your veins, especially if the needle isn't stuck correctly.

NancyD

Judie, what can I say? We all feel the need to distance ourselves from things in our lives that remind us of difficult times. I hope the path you are traveling now is an easier one; if not now, then, eventually. We'll miss you.

Vinessa

Don't worry, you'll be fine.  I had a bilateral mastectomy on Friday.  I, too, was scared in the beginning and made the mistake of looking up code phrases that I heard the doctor's use on the computer.  Don't do that!  I ruined my Thanksgiving fearing the absolute worst.  For me, they didn't know if the nodes needed to be removed until right before surgery when the put dye into the receptor nodes.  It turned out that the invasive breast cancer didn't reach the sentinel nodes.  This could be the case for you as well.  Think positive and know you have company out there supporting you.  That old saying "one day at a time" really holds true at this time.  Take care & remember, don't research too much right now.  It will only make you feel worse.

Anonymous

Karen,

Im about 20 miles away from Walla Walla.....thankfully Im NOT in Spokane!!!!! I have friends there and it is AWFUL!!!

We had 3 to 3 1/2 feet of snow here with some really icy roads throughout the snow storms...now we are on flood watch as the snow in the near mountains is melting really fast the rivers and creeks here are raging.

I live on a creek called Coppei Creek and a larger river named the Touchet....It was dark this morning on my way to work but I could hear the water...hopefully this rain storm they are predicting for later today will go around us but I fear we are in for some flooding.

I hope all of you are safe and fairing the winter weather well.

Hugs

Jule

my3girls

My dear sisters.  Today is finding me in a better place than I have been in a week. Sunday with the boys was tiring...but a much needed mood lifter!

I feel as though I have a bug on top of all of it...sigh...does it ever end.

I am busy at work today..not much time to comment..although there is allot going on. I do have to say to my dear, dear friend Judie....I am very sad, that you will be leaving us here. Of course I DO understand your need to take care of yourself, and stay away from these boards. I just want you to know, that if you are leaving because YOU don't feel the need to be here any longer, I understand, but...If you are leaving because you feel that since you are not experiencing any issues with Cancer and that you are only talking about or leaning on us for other issues...PLEASE, PLEASE..DONT go because of that.  I for one...LOVE having you here.  You have uplifted me, more times than I can count.  We don't care if you "dump" your issues or problems on us!! That is what we ARE HERE FOR!! I love you Judie..and I hope you come around.  I will miss you GREATLY!

gotta go.

xoxo

Lisa

NanaOfTen

Nancy, thanks for the info. when I saw the oncologist today, he is concerned with a lymph node in my neck, it's swollen and tender, so they will scan from head to bottom. He wants to involve my family, even called my daughter to see if she has any questions, concerns. pretty nice.

I am something to help me sleep  now, yeahhhhh, no more 2 or 3 hours sleep times. I pray it works. he gave me ambien.

so, tomorrow cat scan, friday, surgeon. then they let me know my next action plan.

Thanks for your info. it helps a lot.

sueps

Dear Sisters ... I have returned from the land of (  ... I am so not on top of my head since dx ... and sometimes like the last month or so when I have pain in head... I go far far away to the land of nowhere... no feeling and lots of disassociation ... I know you all understand ... and now I have probbaly awakened from chemo ... the disbelief of last year is very horrifying... I still feel it was not me ... noooooooooo it cant have been... it was that bad it will not have been me ....

Anyway I went on the net a couple of weeks back I'd say... and searched hi and lo... as you know I had a very bad cold and still hadint recovered... nauseau and pain in head... well I read that if I took benadryl used for hay fever it would clear sinuses .. and guess what it is still clearin now... I must have had loads in my head and thats why I ddint have an appetite etc... well I feel tons better.... and again I am angry with bootface for giving me all these terrible thoughts and feelings... as you all obviously empathise with ...

So once again I am soo sorry for detachment etc .... I have been here every night but just didnt want to go on like I am now.

As for work... the prick of a unit manager has been fired ... we found out at a meeting on Monday... I still need to punch him cos he really is an ass... but I am so glad he has gone ...p ss taker ...

Work is still busy and stressy I hate the roundabout... I keep promising to look part time but hey when the hell do I have time....sooooooooooo annoying...

Well love to everyone I love all of you so much.... and I miss being here ... posting... but you know I am here every single night reading and thinking and praying ...just sometimes it is just so sad xxx

I know you know ..I know you know me... thankyou for putting up ... xxx 

Shirlann

Oh Sue, honey babe, I told you that the head was nothing.  But since my medical degree is, gulp, from women's magazines, I understand how you feel.  I had cancer of the hair follicles, the big toe, a tooth, you name it.  That lasts about 2 years.  But I still, hhmmmmm, my back hurts, what if????

See, a little of this stays with you forever, but not nearly so bad.

 I am so mad at your Christmas card not getting there!  Urggggh, let me know how to get money to you.  I would never forget my daughter on Christmas!  Makes me so mad, you must have wondered where silly old mum was.

Judie, honey, go with many blessings, you have always been a loving presence with all of us and you are treasured.

Gentle hugs to all my sisters, Shirlann

 

NanaOfTen

sueps,

I just want to take you gently in my arms and hold you, let you sit a while and rest. It's been a long year and feeling down makes it hard. The detachment, oh yea, we know, we know, we are there...somewhere. 

Lots of emotions here tonite, reading your post, I related and could feel you needing rest, I fluffed a place for you to rest, lie down, get comfy, and think thoughts that make your insides smile.

Wren

Ladies, I am NOT a plumber! But what was I doing all evening under my sink? I was pretending I knew what I was doing...  *sigh...

What's frustrating is that:

 #1. I have a horrible cold and should probably have been in bed, but instead I went out in the rain and wind to try to fix a leaky faucet.

#2. I really am not as limber as I used to be at age 47 underneath a sink... and trying to pry off 30 year old fixtures... Oh, did I mention that because I couldn't find a replacement for the leaky faucet I just bought a whole new one? 

#3. Even though I'm all put back together again (reconstructed), my pec muscles just don't work like they used to... so I needed help from hubs and I just hurt laying there trying to make sense of it all (he worked for an hour -- but can only use one hand due to an childhood accident, so there we were... each using one hand to help.... )

#4... The new faucet is all put together but now we have a couple 'new' leaks in places where the water pressure increased because the faucet isn't leaking... *sigh..

#5. We threw in the towel, pun intended, and gave up until tomorrow.... or the next day...  I just wanted to cry a little... it was THAT hard. I know it will all be OK eventually... it just sucks right now.

My left shoulder is still not 'normal' from all the surgeries so laying under a sink didn't help. I wonder when I'll give up on the do-it-myself stuff? It's hard not to when it's so obvious what needs to be done--it's just physically doing it that is rough.

Sue, Ulla, Karen, Shirlann, Judie, Lisa, Cheryl, Nancy, Jule, Mel, and everyone else... I am hoping your days are sunnier and there are no plumbing events in your future! Ha!

Hugs to you all!

NanaOfTen

Wren, I'm sitting here reading some posts while I wait for my ride to my cat scan.

and i laughed at the end of your post.

The inside to my toilet, the handle that you flush with, the level that pulls the plug up just snapped off so I have to lift the lid off and pull the plug up by hand until I get it the landlord to come out and and get it fixed.

Hope the other ladies have better plumbing events!

hugs back at cha!

lvtwoqlt

Wren, your experience under the sink sounds like something I would and have done. When I was recovering from my surgeries we decided to replace my kitchen facuet. The flexible supply lines from the cut-off valve to the faucet were old and when we tried to remove them to replace the sink, they started leaking also, so we had to make another trip back to Lowes Hardware for new supply lines. We did eventually get the job done, what should have been a 30 minute job turned out to take almost 2 hours. Then last year, I came home from work to smell something overheating and found water on the floor under my water heater, it had sprung a leak, so I turned off the power to the water heater and cut the water supply to the heater. I remembered where all the valves were . Unfortunately it was Tuesday afternoon and my hubby was on the road so I had to deal with getting the water heater replaced on my own. I called his cousin, who does home repairs, and he was able to replace the heater on Thursday. I too don't know when to stop trying to do things on my own if it needs to get done, who else will do it.

I got home yesterday and all the rain that we have been having was showing the leak in the porch again and I found another piece of a shingle in the driveway from the winds. Can't wait to get the tax check back to replace the roof.

Sheila

1Cathi

Hi All,

I am sorry sorry to burden you all with my stupid stuff, but right now I feel like I am loosing every bit of solid mind I had, I am so awful sick and I just know that tomorrow my GP is going to put me in the hospital, I don't understand why I am not getig better with all I have taken,  I feel like I just want to curl into a ball and go away,  It is just a cold but I feel so awful and my stupid mind is playing tricks on me,  I am always dizzy,  my head is exploding,  nausea,  my chest is like an elephant is on it,  I am trying so hard to be ok, but I am not winning right now,  Ed is so upset that I won't go to the hospital, almost livid,  and I don't want to go,  everyone is going through so much right now,  I hate being a baby,  its just a dumb cold, why can't I get better.

my3girls

CATHI!!! Get yourself to the hospital!  With all of your symptoms..and how long you have been feeling bad, you probably have phenmonia!! OH MY GOSH girl....please go..you need care! It is not JUST A COLD!  You are not being a baby....you are SICK..and you need medical care.  I better find out that you listened to your GP, and your hubby...and got your little bottom into the hospital!!

Can you tell I have my spit and vinegar back?? I do feel better, for the most part.  Physically not the greatest. I see my OC on Monday, and I hope to get my meds straightened out. 

I fell on the ice for the second time in 2 days.  Today's fall, was  a HUGE one though. I landed on my left arm "the bad arm".  It scares me, cause of the possibility of lymphodema.  It is sore, but I can tell nothing is broken.  Dennis said...honey...please tread lightly..haha.

Speaking of plumbing problems...I can relate ladies.  I have the same problem as Nana...with my toilet...same exact thing! I am not sure if I buy a whole new handle or what?? OMG..I have so many "PROJECTS" to be done at my house..never ending!

Sue darling...I am so glad that what you were experiencing is just sinus related.  Sinus's are horrible though.  I am having problems with mine as well.  We love you Sue..and know that you are here when you can.  You have a very busy life.

Back to work ladies.

xoxo

Lisa

P.S.  Dennis is planning something special for me for my B'day this weekend!!

shari1232

Cathi, I'm thinking of you and hoping you finally get to feeling much better.  You have done so great before and after your latest surgery.  You don't deserve this!!!!!  Yeah, yeah, none of us do... but you have a special flair and panache and it's hard to see you unwell.  Hugs.

Happy b'day this weekend, Lisa!

livesstrong

Hello ladies,

Judie - I can't believe my partner in OZ is leaving us.  I am sorry you feel the need to move on but I completely understand.  Your beuatiful soul will be missed. Good Luck my friend.

Special hugs go out to all that are going through treatment or are just about to. The yellow brick road is yours for the taking, may you travel safely.

Cathi - DH is right - get to the hospital.

Ladies, UB got some rather unsettling news today. He went to our oncky for a follow up and was told he can't get his port out just yet because the oncky saw some things on the CAT scan that he didn't like so he wants him to get a PET scan - in SIX weeks!! We just got through stressing over me now we will be stressing over him - FOR SIX WEEKS!!

I HATE F%^&' ing BOOTFACE!!

Love you all,

AE