please help
Comments
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Judie - How are you?? Please don't be a stranger.
Lisa - WTH??? I was so shocked to read your post - you gave no indication something was wrong in your previous posts. UB is seeing someone and I think it is helping. Good Luck to you. Please don't forget about us.
We are here to help. That goes for you too Judie.
AE
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AE, I know you are here and believe me, it helps. I have three amazing daughters and one amazing son who are taking good care of me. The girls took me for Lunch at Nordie's followed by shopping for an outfit for the funeral tomorrow. I came away with the most beautiful dress I've ever owned, a amethyst necklace/earrings and the joy of shopping with all the "girls" for the first time in many years. Out of great tragedy comes great reward. I am blessed.
Judie
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Judie - I just look at your avatar and I know everything will be fine in time.
Hugs my friend.
AE
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Lisa, I know exactly what you feel like. I'm going to call the Wellness Community tomorrow. I can't see anyone helping me who has not had BC. Wishing you all the very best. EDIT: Judie, I've been praying for you and your family.
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Lisa,
I am thinking of you, I hope you get out of that dark place soon.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO -CATHI
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Oh Lisa , if there is anything I can do , please call me or pm me. I love you honey , and I hate to see you in a dark place. The holidays can be a time of stress , and trying to be happy and please everyone takes its toll sometimes. My tendency at holidays is to swing way "up" and then wayyyyyyyy down just like a manic. Or just like the f'in roller-coaster we have all been on. Take care honey , If you need me , I am there. So don't be afraid to call. I'm praying for you.xxxx Mel
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Hi Judie. So good to see you here. I miss you. Yes , tragic times seem to bring out the bitter/sweet of times. I think this is what helps us get through them. I'm so glad you had "special" time with your girls. My heart is with you tomorrow. May peace and healing be with you all.
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Judie and lisa , I have candles lit for both of you. May they guide your hearts to peace.
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Hi everyone. Once again , if anyone needs the addy for candles , here it is. Love you all.
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Hi Bee , I will keep you in my prayers also. Talking to someone is a good thing. Especially people who have gone through this. Good luck to you.xxxx Mel
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Ohhhh Lisa, I am so sorry you are feeling low. I hope things get better and you are starting off right by going to talk to someone. Please don't forget that we are here for you and love you. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. Try to pull Dennis closer more so than pushing him away, you may be surprised how much it will help.
I know what you mean about the doctors because I have been thinking of cancelling all of my appointment that I know about so far this year but I know I can't because I have children and people depending on me. I guess that I have been going through some depression because I have messed up my checking accounnt so bad and I do mean bad - I don't do that. I don't even feel like cleaning or doing things around the house. I did feel better yesterday when I got up and actually helped Donnie clean and put up ornaments. (Oh, by the way, the checkbook is fixed and we have no money - oopps.
Judie, You sound like you really enjoyed your girls and shopping. I am truly sorry for your loss but we are all here for you also. Please let me know what I can do for you or your family.
I will remember you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Mel you are so cute, sweet and thoughtful.
Leesa
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mel --thanks VERY much.
Dink-- You are not alone here, girfriend. Sometimes, it's just way too hard to even get out of bed. I think, after reading a whole bunch of posts here, we are the majority -- not the minority. Somehow, even that makes me feel less like a failure. Hmmm, I didn't realize that's how I really feel.
I'm associated with many outstanding bc survivors. But for most of them, it's been so long, or they've chosen not to scare me. But I have felt so stupid, because these women are so on top of their lives. I didn't think they ever felt like I do. I'm just now starting to realize that a lot of them did go thru this . . . Oh God, I just hope that one day, I will feel good again. Love you guys . . .
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Oh dear. My sweet, dear sisters Lisa and Judie. Huge hugs go out to both of you. Lisa, I totally understand where you are right now. I've been in and out of that horrible, dark hole for the past three months or so. I'm due for a mammogram, and I wonder if I should even make the appointment. I'm due for a pap smear. Do I want to call for the appointment? Not really. I dread doctor's appointments. I dread any more bad news. I dread it all. I understand the fear. I understand everything you're feeling. God, I hate what this stupid disease had done to me.
Judie. My dear, sweet friend. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child. I don't think there's anything worse. God Bless you. sweetie. I'm so glad you have your other kids to help you through this. I wish I could be there in person to support you. It's just not going to work out for me this weekend though. Hang in there, honey. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. I love you, Judie.
Hang in here, Bee. It has to get better. I believe that for all of us. Big hugs are going out to you.
Love and hugs to you all,
Karen
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Leesa, I read your last post, and it sounds like me talking. The emotional stuff. The financial stuff. Sigh..............I'm so stressed out about everything too. Please pm me if you need to vent. Trust me....I know how you're feeling.
Hugs,
Karen
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Well Karen , I REALLY believe you when you told Leesa you know how she feels , I read her whole post thinking it was you!?!lol Wow , I'm so far past chemo-brain... Leesa , sorry you are feeling out of sorts too. But you gave Lisa some great advice. Moving closer to the ones we love is a great idea. Sometimes we don't want to burden them with our problems , or don't want them to feel uneasy. But they are just the ones who can usually pull us out of our dark places. And when we feel better because we turned to them , it makes them feel better to. So Lisa , take Leesa's advice , talk to Dennis if you can. Oh Leesa , glad you got the checkbook straightened out , but sorry theres no money left. I think most of us are in the same boat with you right now.
Karen , Lisa , and Leesa , its funny how we including me , are all due for our mammos' and pap. I will be calling my bs Monday to make an appt for a mammo. I really wanted to change my gyn , but he is so involved with me with the few surgeries I've had. So I guess I will go to him. But if anything is wrong "down there" , I might look for someone else. He is good surgically , but he didn't spot my lump and when he found out I had one , he didn't even read it in my path. . He kept talking about small micro-cals , and when I said no , the lump , he got that "dear in the headlight" look and re-read my path. Then he got nervous and asked if I wanted him to call a breast surgeon! Duh , yeah!lol I am just taking it one test at a time. Blinders on. No what ifs. Just jumping in and hoping for the best. Hey , I think Sue was suppose to be getting hers too. OK ladies , please check in and let us know when your appts. are. I'll do the same. I hope we are all scheduled for the same day! We could get it all out of the way all together!! Love you girls , Mel
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Bee (((((((((Bee)))))))) I think we have all felt the same pain and fear. No matter how far out from dx we are. We can take this journey together and hope we can all feel better someday. Please don't ever feel stupid. We have all been there and know exactly how it feels. Hey its been awhile , but I think we could all use a little "emerald city right now...
We can do it! Emerald City , here we come!
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Hello ladies -
Sorry to see emotions flying high around here lately.
I think we all feel the anxiety when our doctor visits come around. When I go for mine I cannot believe the sadness that comes over me when I climb the stairs to get to his office. Its the worst feeling in the world. And mammo's - forget about it. My last one I needed to take a Zanex. I guess its just a natural reaction but boy it sure stinks.
Sometimes I find it hard to come to this site as well. You read some ladies stories and they are struggling so badly your heart breaks. UB always askes me why I continue to read such depressing things - I honestly can't answer him.Maybe its time for me to take a break as well.I don't know.
In the meantime - chins up ladies - things are bound to get better.
Love & Hugs,
Auntie Em
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Karen, Mel, AE and Bee: Thank you all for your sweet words. Today is one of those days that I just feel really tired. I have to admit that I have stopped taking all of meds except for the Lexapro (antidepression med). I think I will have to refill the Folbic which is for anemia. I don't know that I am anemic any more or not but I have to wait until after 1-8-09 (the good ole colonoscopy) before I can start it again anyway. I think I really miss working in the Trauma Center so I have been talking with Donnie about maybe signing up to work one weekend a month. I would make an extra $1,000.00 which is nice but I really miss the patients and the experiences. You know life is a miracle and sometimes I really miss being a part of the little miracles. I just don't know if I can handle it at this time with the new Surgery Center trying to get through surveys and accreditations. I think I will keep thinking on this just a little longer. Ms. Judy, How are you today? I am hoping that you are doing ok - I know you have a lot going on but please know that you are in my htoughts and prayers.
All of you ladies are in my thoughts and prayers. I am being really "lazy" today. Donnie took my little Connor out to Primetime (an indoor play yard). I was being very short with him and I was feeling guilty so Donnie took him out for a while. I don't know how to explain it, but my little guy really knows when I'm sick or not feeling myself. He is so sensitive to it but he has a hard time dealing with it and expressing or talking about his feelings so he gets clingy and then he gets really loud and bounces off the walls. He is all boy of course.
Well, it's a new year and things are going to be great. When I don't know but I will keep my mind open.
I'll talk to you ladies later.
Leesa
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thanks sisters for all of your wishes, prayers and pm's. I am feeling a tiny bit better today. I almost feel like I am coming down with something. Maybe that is part of this funk I am in.
Even though I don't feel like doing it AT ALL. I am taking my grandson's to the movies and out to lunch, to help their parents who are busy moving their elderly parents into a new home this weekend. Hopefully that will put some pep in my step.
I love all of you. I wish we could sit at my house tonight and talk, and cheer each other up!
xoxo
Lisa
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Hello all my dear lady friends, a to z . . .
I hope you all had wonderful holidays and happy new year to you all. My mom says she and I are not having our new year until February ... until after this month is over; until we know everything that will be happening.
I saw my surgeon friday - yesterday. he did the biopsy right in his office b/c he wants to see what type of cancer it is that I have. I have a stitch in my boob already
He numbed it with a shot and took out four slides.He will be calling me on wednesday to let me know. he said that since i have 'large' breasts, i have more options (do they do reductions instead of totally removing if possible? my daughter isn't crazy about that, is afraid it may return if not totally removed. I said, let's wait and see what he says ...) my surgeon is only in the office mondays and fridays so i won't see him again until next friday and we will discuss 'my' plan of action then.
I can't believe the roller coaster ride I am on. but then I have moments when I feel this just is not real.
I hate seeing the looks of sadness on my children's faces when they don't know I am watching them.
Yes, someone said bootface sucks, I agree.
Cheryl
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Dear ones,
Just a quick checkin...
AE, your comment, "Sometimes I find it hard to come to this site as well. You read some ladies stories and they are struggling so badly your heart breaks. UB always askes me why I continue to read such depressing things - I honestly can't answer him.Maybe its time for me to take a break as well.I don't know." made me think.
Coming here exposes us to a lot of pain and suffering and fear. Is this healthy? Are we ghoulish or something? How can we be optomistic and cheerful while dealing with the issues here? It can get heavy. Lately, I seem to have added a whole sh*tload of baggage to the mix having nothing to do with bootface.
But then, coming here also exposes us to a lot of courage, laughter, dynamic personalities, and a heckuva great place to unload when our "turn" comes.
I think each of us must take a vacation from time to time to maintain perspective, but the thought of anyone leaving permanently is hard to imagine. Yet we are all individuals, with individual needs/resources, and paths and I respect those deeply.
The above ramble is probably meaningless. I'm tired. Today the frenetic, raw, crazy days ended with a truly beautiful funeral service where tributes from my son's professional, academic, friend and family networks brought to my awareness how large was the circle of his influence. He was an amazing being and I will miss him. It is now time to grieve and to heal. The love and support here is with me. Thank you.
And congrats Lisa, and anyone else who chooses to go to the movies instead of crawling into a hole. It's the little things.
Judie
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Happy 2009 to all, my cyber family.
I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow and there's only 13 hours left before that. I thought I had 6 days off but it just doesn't seem like I have already spent such a long time. Days without work flies by too quickly. Oh well,
Judie - I am glad the funeral went beautifully. Know that we will be here for you 24/7 and holding your hand.
Cheryl - I chose to have a lumpectomy (kind of reductions) instead of a mastectomy (whole removal). Lumpectomy + radiations work the same way as a mastectomy though some people still would choose to get a mastectomy because they don't want radiations or want to make sure they have no breast to get the cancer back in. It's been 3 years and a half since I was diagnosed and so far so good. I swear no one could even tell I had cancer.
Lisa - My sweet friend, I hope you have fun with your grandsons. Keep your chin up, we all love you to bits.
Leesa - Sorry you are tired. I hope you can go back to work soon so you can be a part of miracles again. I know we wouldn't work if we didn't get paid at all, but sometimes work means more than just money. Oh by the way, did you ask how old I am? I just turned 43.
Mel - Sweet Mel, I feel I have so much to tell you but all I can put into words is WOW. You have always been such an amazing friend to everybody. I just can't believe how much effort and time you can put into helping others. I am so honored to have you as a friend and I really do mean it!
Cathi - I hope you had a blast at the disco club. How's the new year been so far for you? Thank you for your signature line. It made me laugh out loud.
Bee - Oh girl, believe me, you will certainly be where I am right now. Of course I was totally torn to pieces when I was dx'd and never even thought I would feel good again. But guess what? Now I am exactly the same person as I was before cancer. And believe me, I haven't done anything special. I'm too lazy to make effort I guess. *lol*
Val - My friend, you can have a break if you want but you can't totally leave us because you are needed here. Just in case you didn't know, I love you to bits!
Karen - Dear, I know how you feel about the follow-ups or doctor's appointments. I always looked forward to being done with Lupron shot (the original plan was 36 times every four weeks) and finally I am to complete it next month. Then guess what? I have made up my mind to continue with it till I go into menopause. As much as I wanted to finish with it, I just couldn't imagine myself doing no treatment or not seeing my onc because I do fear! How pathetic is that?
Sheila - I hope you had a great time at your family get-together. It's so great to hear that your dad is doing alright.
Jane - I too watched the Sydney fireworks on TV and actually that's the first thing I saw for the new year. And of course I thought of you. I may be coming back for a visit to your country sometime in May.
Nancy - So did you have a good gataway with your family? I sure hope you did. Here's a big fat great new year to you too!
Tender - You are one of the most thoughtful people on this earth. May the new year find you healty and be surrounded by a lot of love.
Sue - Haven't seen you for a while. I hope your headache is gone by now. Don't work too hard and come back and give us some update!
Jule - Haven't seen you for a while either. Hope everything is OK with you. We miss you here!
Wren - Where are you girl? I hope 2009 has been good for you so far. Please drop by when you can.
Shirl - Hey friend, looks like you had a blast at the cruise. I enjoyed your pictures and video clips but you did make me jealous! I have never been on a cruise in my entire life!
OK here's the pictures and video clips from Shirl's cruise. Enjoy!
(If the links to the video's don't work, just copy and paste them in your browser's address bar.)
Video's
Hugs,
Fumi
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Happy New Year, everyone! I'm back from the North Country. It was bitterly cold (-4° one night when we were out for dinner), and lots of snow for the skiiers (not me). Here's a link to the house we rented:
http://www.lakeplacidcottage.com/
We had the whole place to ourselves, and the owner is such a collector of Arts and Crafts styled furniture and decorations, it was like living in a museum. I had a few brief moments on my brother's laptop, but the kids were anxious to get on and play their games, too, so I kept my online time to a minimum.
My bed was so high, I had trouble getting in one night when I was very tired. The top of the mattress was at my waist and I couldn't seem to swing my leg high enough to get up. That room should have had a little stool for just that use. I finally jumped up and landed across the bed, and then pulled my legs up and over.
I don't have a fireplace in my current home, so it was very nice to have TWO for a short while. We lit the one in the dining room during our dinner on New Year's Eve. Great atmosphere! The fireplace in the living room always had a fire going while we were home.
Even though there was a large screen TV in the living room, we managed to talk the kids into a few games of Charades in the early evenings before dinner. Later, we watched movies, ate popcorn, drank some nice wine, and had a generally relaxing time.
One dinner out, an afternoon of just lazing around, an afternoon of shopping, and another family dinner cobbled together from restaurant leftovers and homecooking rounded out my stay. It was short but very restorative.
On my return home, my father greeted me with, "What's for dinner?" So it was back to the same-old-same-old immediately. I hadn't even unpacked before I was starting to put things together for dinner.
Back to work-work tomorrow. I've been officially off since just before Christmas, but with several "emergencies" that happened, I've been doing work-from-home. No credit for that, though, other than getting the jobs out so the books will publish on time.
Judie, you and your family continue to be in my prayers. I think a family death at the holidays is so hard because everyone else is being jolly, having parties, while your heart is grieving. My maternal grandmother, the one I was closest to, had a stroke the day before Christmas and died the day after Christmas many years ago. I know my mother didn't want to have Christmas that year, but with seven kids, it couldn't be ignored. My older sister and I, not really being among the Santa believers anymore, took charge and got the presents wrapped and under the tree after the little ones were in bed.
It was an awful time though, as my baby brother pulled a scalding hot cup of tea on himself at Christmas dinner while he was sitting in my mother's lap. So my mother first shuttled between the hospitals, then the hospital (brother) and the funeral home (grandmother).
But there were moments of laughter, too. My uncle came in from the West Coast for the funeral. No one had seen him in several years. When my grandfather went to answer the door he did what every good New Yorker does; he checked through the door peephole. He saw a man who he assumed was just some drunk because it looked like he had taken the wreath off the door and hung it around his neck. Then he realized it was his own son and he had grown a full, bushy beard!
And we had a kind of Second Christmas a few months later when my mother came across some small presents she had forgotten to give to us to put under the tree. She was great for collecting "stocking stuffers" year round, and after she died, we found some she had already started putting away for the next Christmas.
Lisa, I haven't had any of those dark days, yet, but it's still early days for me. I'm not even at my one-year mark. I'm still looking forward to my doctor appointments as a sign that I'm recovering because each one is further and further apart. But, I know they can hit at any time, and there's not one thing that sets them off. They just creep up. I so hope you are shaking it off...I know time with your grandson and a silly kids' movie just might be a start in the right direction.
Shirlann, I so want to go on a cruise some day. I'm saving my Amex points specifically for that. It looks like you had a marvelous time, which is all you can ask for, right?
Cheryl, just know that we will all be in there with you in spirit when you see the dr again.
Leesa, work can be therapuetic because it takes our mind off our personal problems for a while. However, I worked through my treatments and think now that maybe I should have taken more time off. The problem, as ever, was finances. A longer leave of absence would have been without pay. And in this very unstable job market, it might have put my position in jeopardy. So I opted to work. There were some questionable days when I should have been out; I was physically there, but not focused. So I might have put my job in jeopardy by working. Damned if you do; damned if you don't. Usually the percentage of our raises is based on our reviews. Since my company has delcared no raises this year, it doesn't matter what my boss says as long as I keep my job. It will be interesting just to see how much allowance she makes for my illness.
If you feel you can give 100% of yourself when you're working, then it's time to go back. If that's only a weekend per month, then it's all you should do.
Love to everyone! Hugs to anyone who especially needs one today.
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Oh if you look around there are good deals, in November, for instance, when no one wants to spend any money, they had 7 day cruises from LA to LA for $495. No air, of course, so if you just check, you can get good deals. Also, Transatlantic cruises are a great deal, or any repositioning cruise.
Just need to keep checking and get on their "travel quick" list.
I hope you all had a good New Year's Day, hugs and kisses, Shirlann
PS: That adorable cabin girl with Walt was from Peru, and no, she did not go with the room! hahaha
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Judie, I was thinking of you yesterday and still sending you my best thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that you have family support - especially from your three daughters and son. My heart breaks for you though. Your son must have been a great person.
Lisa, hugs to you - I hope you had a few smiles at the movie with your grandsons. I admire your courage and I pray that your depression will lift.
Valerie, I ususally wait until nobody is around when I come to this site because they think I am not putting my experience behind me. I can't leave though - I want to know how each of you are doing. You are all inspiring, great people and I don't want to forget any of you. I know it's sad to welcome new members of this club but I think that those of us who continue to post after bootface can inspire these newbies & offer some comfort.
Cheryl - hugs to you and I am praying that the results of your biopsy will be the best possible. It's so horrible that you have to wait so long to know exactly what you are dealing with.
Bee - I wish you all the best and hope that you get help soon from the Wellness Foundation. The emotional aftermath can be worse than the treatments.
Mel, your avatar name (I think you once said it was a name of one of your cats) is perfect for you. Your words are always like soothing warm honey. I love reading what you say. Thank you for being here.
Leesa - If you are well enough to work a couple of days here and there, it will probably help you emotionally. A familiar and supportive workplace and the awareness that you are helping others can be a powerful antidote.
Sue - where are you?! How are you? I do miss not seeing you here. Have you heard any news yet about your last mammo? How are your headaches?
Fumi - thank you for posting those great shots of Shirlann's & Walt's cruise. Many warm wishes to you for this year. I pray it is a good one for you.
Shirlann - love the photos! What a luxurious ship! Hope you are both feeling rested and happy after such a wonderful trip.
Nancy - your holiday up north sounded great. I wish it could have been longer. The big bed sounded like something out of a fairytale!
Karen, what's happening with your house-building? These things always take longer than we expect. Praying that this year is good to you.
Love you you all and to Jule, UB, Dawn, Sheila, Ulla, Wren, Kaloni, Ann, Suebee, Cathi and anyone I may have missed.
Jane xxx
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Hi everyone,
I am sorry I can't get up the strength to read all the posts I have missed, between holidays, company and now I have a relapse on my cold/flu, saw my GP this AM, he is furious, said I should be admitted to the hospital I refused, his words"just a breath away from pneumonia", my blood work is a disaster, high white, low red, and my blood sugars were at 210 (yikes) he has loaded me with meds, and banished me to home and bed & back at his office Friday
So just want to say I am thinking of you all and saying extra prayers for those going through the emotional rollercoaster ride at this time. I love you all . XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Hello ladies:
I wanted to let you know that I work full time ad the trauma center is extra for me. I think I am signing up after the new Surgery Center opens and I find out for sure when my next surgery will be.
I am thinking of you all and keep you all my prayers. It is pretty cold here at 26 degrees and sleeting with misting rain. Suppose to be that way all day. I like watching it but would rather be home in front of the fire place (better atmosphere).
Judi, Don't your children make you proud? Your son sound truly awesome. Cathi I am sorry you are sick again. I think you should do what your doctor says because sometimes IV antibiotics will work quicker than oral. Besides a little TLC is never a bad thing. I do know how you feel though - I would rather be home.
Things are really great and I have decided this year is going to be the best even if I have surgeries to go through and I refuse to be low ay more. Thank you dear ladies, you mean so much and you can all definitely pull me out of a low.
Love to all,
Leesa
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Cathi, you need to take care of yourself. When my son was small, I waited almost a week to go to the doctor when I had a cough and almost ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. He sent me home with enough samples of antibiotic for 3 days, orders not to leave the house for the weekend and said come back Monday for more meds. I spent the weekend on the couch (I was living with my mom at the time and she took care of John) I was sounding so much better by monday he admitted that he almost put me in the hospital on Friday and he was ready to admit me on Monday if I didn't show any improvement. You need to do what the doctor orders.
Not much chance to respond to all, but I hope all are able to pull out of this seasonal depression. I too messed up my checking account terribly last month and got depressed about the lack of money coming in.
Leesa, I spent most of 2007 looking forward to my surgeries (not) and am glad that they are overwith. Dec 20, 2007 was my last surgery and I sang 'I'm getting Nipples for Christmas!'
Yesterday at church we had a memorial for my friend who died in Sept from this bootface and dedicated a bench in the memorial garden. Some of her friends who came for the service didn't know that I had bootface and was fully recovered. They were amazed at my and my mom's outlook and when we mentioned that we were in the calendar, they looked at each other and said, that's where I've seen you before.
Sheila
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Hi ladies (and UB). I hope you all had a safe but festive New Year's. We drove up to the mountains (where there was literally a snow storm) and spent the day with our friends who have a cabin. They have a son Chase's age and a five month old puppy, so the boys and the dogs had a blast playing in the snow.
I don't have time to address everyone, but I wanted to tell Shirlann that I'm SOOO jealous! They had everything decorated so beautifully for the holidays. I just have to take a cruise one day. I've always wanted to,
You take care of yourself, Cathi. Do as your doctor says so you get all better, okay? Love you!
I'll try to bbl. I love you all!
Karen
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Judie, my thoughts and prayers are with you constantly. I'm glad your son's service was so nice. My dad's was also wonderful and people had such great things to say about him. It really made me proud to be his daughter.
Love and hugs,
Karen
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