please help

Anonymous

I'm sorry Cathi. It's not fair. I keep realizing that what I need is gone forever and what I have is something I hate. Having so much to be grateful for just doesn't cut it. I'm grateful and miserable. Just can't let go of the what was. Greed and control must be my middle names.

Hope things turn around for you. Cry away until the spunk shines again! For tonight, welcome to hell. It's nice to have company. But don't plan a long visit...I'm kind of tired.

AnneW

Fumi,

I know exactly what you mean about your relationship this moment with Scotty. Tim and I "broke up" when we were stationed in Turkey, but I refused to give up, and just stayed friends while he tried to figure things out. I told him I wouldn't wait forever, but selfishly I wasn't ready to let him go completely. It took a few months for him to figure it all out, and we've been married now 22 years.

Sometimes you have to let them go, for them to come back to you. But you do have to be prepared to let him go for good. It's a fine line to walk.

And, speaking of Tim, I spent about 3 hours in the ER with him today...I was in the rock gym climbing. Went to the locker room for a potty break at one point, and heard my phone ring. First thought was that he'd hurt himself. He's been building a new deck/entry to our house, and before I left ot climb I warned him to be careful with the saw. He has a "history" of getting on the short end of the stick where its concerned at times.

Well, sure enough, he was headed to the ER because he cut a couple fingers. One nicked the bone. 13 stitches all together, poor guy. Sigh. I only got to climb a couple routes. I should ahve stayed and climbed, knowing the ER would be a busy place today. But I really wanted to be by his side. He's been by mine so much lately...

Fall hit us hard today. Rainy and windy and cool. Snow in the high country. Damn. I'm not ready to see summer go.

Anne

lvtwoqlt

Hello everyone, I was not online after noon on Friday and I see I have alot of catching up to do but can only say I will check in later, I did read enough to see Fumi's posting and I know the feeling about being covered up with work. I came in this morning with over 80 orders to enter when on Monday's I ususally have about 50 to enter. more accounts are going electronic order entry so I don't see them.

Friday night was fun at the calendar signing! I will tell more later.

Sheila

momof3boys

I know your surgery is coming up in a few days.  I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.  My Aunt had breast cancer about eighteen years ago.  She was in the first trial group for the drug Tamoxifin.  She had a masectomy, radiation, and chemo.  Today, she is a healthy 59 year old grandmother of five, retired and living near the beach with my Uncle.  Eighteen-twenty years ago, breast cancer was such a scary and devastating diagnosis.  I know it's no picnic today, but does seem like it is more of a 'chronic illness", not a terminal illness now.

XOXO from me in PA, USA.

lvtwoqlt

Momof3boys, Thanks for the note of confidence to Sue, she actually started this topic in 2007 and we have rallied around her and helped her out through a lot of trials over the past year.

sueps

Hello Sisters xxx

Just wanted to say I come here every day to keep close to you all, I think of you loads...I have been so ill wiv a virus these past couple of weeks...and feel too drained..... I just want to let you know I am always here xxx ALWAYS XXX 

portiasproudmom

Awww, Sue!  I'm sorry you're sick.  That's so miserable.  I hope you feel better really soon.

Fumi, it's so good to hear from you.  I'm sorry that you're still having such a hard time.  I think you're doing the right thing by staying friends with Scotty.  You two have been such close friends, and such a big part of one another's lives.  It would be so much more devastating if you cut him off all together.  Hang in there, honey! 

Cathi, I just know you're going to be fine.  You seem like such a strong person.  I have a friend who had a bilateral mastectomy seven years ago.  She opted to not have reconstruction and doesn't regret her decision. 

Have any of you seen "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" yet?  We saw it last night.  The kids loved it--very cute movie, especially if you're a dog lover.

Well, I'm off to have some lunch.  I love you all and think of you every day, even when I don't post.

Love and hugs,

Karen

lvtwoqlt

Sue, I too am sorry that you have a virus. Make sure that you are drinking plenty of fluids to flush the bug out. I too am here always, this is one place that I check out every morning to see what has happened to our little group of sisters.

Judi, do I remember what I read on the previous page about possible recon for you? I did the bilat and recon with the expanders and implants. For me it was a no-brainer, I wasn't ready to live my life 'without' boobs. I had 6 months to think out my decision before my actual dx of DCIS, my surgeon suggested the bilat after my 2nd dx of ADH. My mom was dx at 57 and had single mast without recon, she wishes that she had the other boob removed but they won't remove it unless she is dx with cancer again.

Fumi Sometimes it is good to have 'friends' without the attachments. My husband has stayed friends with a girl he went to school with from 3rd grade and now we are friends. She is in the National Guard and when her unit was deployed to Iraq I even mailed her care boxes. She calls me even more than she calls Donald. She had one comment to make last year after her first mammo, ' I didn't know that the US Gvmt had approved devices to hurt prisoners!' She had her first mammo. It was funny to hear her say that, she is a member of the Military Police and knows all the defensive moves. She is about 5 ft 4 inches and weighs about 110 lbs.

Sheila

1Cathi

Oh Sue, 

I hope you get over that virus ASAP. 

Thanks Karen,  I know I will be fine, I guess I didn't expect to feel like this so far away from the surgery. and I guess I thought I would be stronger as I"made the decision" it was not forced upon me so to speak.  But the past 2 days even staying as busy as one possible can,  everything I do every though I have turns into sadness or tears.  Trying to get ready for our big party Saturday and praying to God I don't become a blubbering idiot.  UGH I would absolutely hate that. I am not one to loose it in front of people, just Ed  and 2 very close friends have ever seen/heard me on the dark side over the past 2 years.  I am 48 and I want to live CA free, but I am so darn mad and sad right now it has to be this way -  even if I were willing to chance the reconstruction -  it would still be the same feelings -  really stinks.

sueps

Sisters I am really down.

This bootface is a pressure pot.

I am finkin thats another month over .....another month of my short life ..... the months are goin so fast and before I know it I will be dead.It will get me it was trip neg and it will come back and get its revenge because I tried to kill it..it will come back and kill me.

I KNOW I HAVENT GOT LONG AND IT IS MAKING ME DESPONDANT

PLEASE TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND  

sueps

I JUST WANT NEVER TO HAVE FREAKIN HAD IT,IT HAS FREAKING WRECKED EVERYTHING, MY LIFE MY FAMILY MY FUTURE ..

COME ON BOOTFACE COME BACK AND EAT ME...I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH ...COME ON .....COME ON THEN !!!!!!!!! JUST DO IT ...... COS YA GONNA DO IT ANYWAY  

1Cathi

Oh Dear Sue,

I am down with you these past couple days, but we CAN NOT ALLOW ourselfs to keep sinking into this horrible place.  We can not ALLOW BOOTFACE to take everything from us,  our happiness. our love for life. Please  -please try to pull back up,  you will not die today, and you will not die tomorrow you  must fight hard so that you die a VERY OLD WRINKLED UP LADY. 

Bootface is a 'CRIMINAL" just like a murderer or rapist -  we are its victims -  But victims fight back they do not allow the Criminal to continue to ruin there every thought, there everyday. 

WE MUST BE STRONG AND FIGHT BACK

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

sueps

Cath...I know....you are right.....but at this mo...it must be a phase...cos I feel it is chasing me.... I think it is all sinking in how serious it is now I have time to breath,I guess it is bootface after math ..... I love you Cath....you are so strong....even as you fight your own fires....well we make them our fires ...we are all fighting as one ....this is why you my lovely sisters are the only ones that understand..

I am so swamped ....I REALLY FEEL LIKE IT IS CHASING ME AND THE MONTHS ARE FLYING BY...AND I HAVE BEEN QUESTIONING IF I WILL BE ALIVE THIS NXT YEAR OR ALIVE TO SEE THE LONDON OLYMPICS OR ALIVE TO SEE MY KIDS ANOTHER YEAR..

DOES ANOME HAVE THESE THOUGHTS...

YOU ARE AN EVIL BOILED BOOT ...A SCUMMY BOILED TROLLOP OF A CURLED BOOT WITH A FACE FULL OF PUCK MARKS AND TWISTED ...YOU ARE SO HORRID YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF A FACE ..YOU ARE A BLANK DIRTY WRETCHED STINKIN BALL OF FILTH  ....

get lost I am not playing right now..I am going to my bed safe and warm ..

Sisters I am goin down hill xxx

spk tmw xxx 

1Cathi

Sue I think it is safe to say we have all had those thoughts -for me just yesturday as I played with my 4yr old and 3/mo  old grandchildren, I held the tears in then (so they would not see) but I was just a mess inside  -wondering/thinking would I see them grow.  I wonder how many anniversiers my husband and I will share (we have only had 2), I wonder will I be 58, 68, 78.  I am as strong as I can be sometimes  -and sometime - just like you-  I stumble into this place and it is so very hard.

We have all been there - thats why we are all here now for each other. 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Shirlann

Oh Fumi, honey, there is nothing wrong in remaining friends.  He could well be a wonderful pen pal, just scared of committment.  Many men are.  Not unusual.  So don't feel bad about that, sweetie, enjoy the talks, and your Prince Charming will come riding in and soon.

I have to tell you all the most romantic story I have ever heard, and it is true.  As you know, I live very close to the Mexican border.  And in years past the Mexicans have come and worked and gone home pretty regularly these many, many years.  Well this story I heard from this couple's daughter.

It seems that not far below the border a 14 year old girl was out in the field of corn with her parents working in the hot, hot sun.  Along came a young 15 year old Mexican boy on a horse from Oaxaca.  (Another state)  He was on his way to the US to work for the season.  As he got closer to her, she looked up at him, and he looked down at her.  Something must have clicked.  He reached down with his hand, pulled her up behind him on the horse, and they rode off together.  They have been married 50 years, have 4 children, and have been blissfully happy ever since.  I love this story.  I know every word is true, as I became friends with their delightful daughter, who was so full of fun she loved to tell this story of her parents.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

Anonymous

Sue Dearest, I would guess we all have those thoughts. Why they are hitting everyone so hard right now I do not know.

For me, I think it is because today is the love of my life's first anniversary of meeting the love of her life. Two days later the affair began. It is a time of celebration for them. This event happened one week after my breasts were whacked off and I felt and looked like Bride of Frankenstein. Family members who were a big part of my life had died in recent weeks and months. There comes  a time when the aggregate of loss overcomes any possibility of meaning

I have shelter, but no home. I have children but no family. I am utterly alone, dancing each day with bootface, waiting for his attack.

Sue, Cathi, Fumi, and others...this is not a time I can offer support.  That makes me deeply sad. I just don't understand life anymore. Once upon a time I considered myself very wise. Everything good has abandoned me.

It grieves me to be so negative. I hate my life more that I hate politics.

But I still love my sisters who won't ban me no matter what I say.

Judie

"Love is the greatest of life’s gifts. It will eventually be responsible for unimaginable pain and sorrow, so rejoice in it, treasure it, never take it for granted, and be thankful for it, while you can"

sueps

  Judie , you are a beautiful sister come rain or shine. That last bit to your post is sad but absolutley beautiful at the same time. 

I am sitting her before work, thanking God for you all to be here with me always...and praying we all have better times and clearer heads .... we all need a tonic!!!

Cath thankyou for your words they mean so much.

I will be back later... I love you all... X  

sueps

Judie I love your avator xxx

1Cathi

Sue- hoping yo have a good day at work and a brighter day all together.

Dear Judie,   I wish I could find a way to cheer you just a bit, your sadness is far deeper than mine at this time,  I hope and pray that you are able to be on the "up side" of the yo-yo soon and find even the smallest "good" thing to make you smile again.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO 

livesstrong

Judie - BIG HUGS for you my friend.  Life sure sucks sometimes, doesn't it?  I have no words of wisdom to bestow on you today, just know that you are NOT alone - you have this rag tag group of crazy women to love & support you.  Don't ever forget - we are travelling the yellow brick road together & forever.

Love you all,

AE

lvtwoqlt

Judi, you are not alone going through this journey. As AE said you have this rag tag group of crazy women here to love and support each other through all the ups and downs of this horrible bootface - we have become your family. All you have to do is say I am down today and we are there to try and lift you up with comforting words. and we are still following that yellow brick road with you.

Sue, I hope you are feeling better and have a great day at work.

Cathi, I too had the emotional roller coaster after I made my decision to remove both breasts. I was second-guessing my decision up to the night before surgery. We all go through the what if I made the wrong decision thinking. One day I would say I am fine with losing my breasts and then a few minutes later I was saying what in the world was I thinking! Why do I want to remove my breasts! At least the doctor had suggested I consider preventative bilat mast at my 2nd abnormal (ADH) biopsy and I had 6 months to think about making that decision before I was forced into the decision. for me it was a good decision, the final path report showed more ADH in the cancer breast and Hyperplaysic Ductal cells in the other breast. If I had gone with the lumpectomy/rads I probably would have been facing a 2nd dx later and who knows . . . it might have been invasive at that time and not found in the early stage again.

Sheila

NancyD

Hi ladies, Well, I come to you today to let you know my RADS ARE FINISHED, and I celebrate that. But ooo-oo does my chest hurt.

Judie, Fumi, no words of wisdom here, either 'cause I've been long on the hurt side of things now (coming up to the twelfth anniversary of my divorce). But as we all know, things do get easier with time. In the meanwhile, just don't go so far down the hole that we can't find you.

Now, I have to get back to work! 

1Cathi

Congrats Nancy - finished with rads, did they give you a going away gift - my place did, was kinda cute and nice - and of coarse they hoped to never see me again. I am so happy for you. Are you burned? Did they give you cream,  I got pretty scorched at the end but the burn cream they prescribed really helped in no time.

Yes Shelia I guess that is what I tend to be doing these days is second guessing, and my just normal fear of surgery/anestesia is getting the best of me (if I were having tonsils removed I would be scared) This is absolutely the right thing to do. My L breast had the ILC, LCIS AND ADH -while that breast has behaved since treatment, I have had 2 excesionals on R and 6 other lesions/masses needle biopsied - the last with to many atypical findings, I just know "wait and see" is no longer an option -  it no longer is a question of "if it happens" it is a question of "when" so it is time -  I just really am surprised at the major up and down swings,  today is better than the last two -so yeah for that!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

lvtwoqlt

Cathi, I was not afraid of the anestesia it was more of the emotional attachment to my breasts. I had major spine surgery when I was 11 (took as long for that surgery as my mast) and under anestesia two times after each biopsy for ADH. I just put myself in the capable hands of the surgeons and doctors in the OR and got ready for a nice rest. I actually went into my nipple surgery in December singing "I'm getting nipples for Christmas!" Of course by that time my nerves were settled and I knew that I was well past the physical bootface scare, I only had the emotional attachment to deal with. After my 2nd biopsy for ADH (6 months before my dx of DCIS) my surgeon looked at my mom and said she was my worst enemy as far as the cancer was concerned and for me it was also not "IF" I developed cancer but "When".

1Cathi

My husband keeps telling me the same thing about the anestesia,  I have had it twice on L and twice on R -  he says they know me well. Just a worrier I guess.  Some of the emotions are as well based on "loosing them" if fact in a crisis moment on Sunday, I broke down and told Ed when they wheel me away on the 17th I will be coming back another person in a few hours and I wondered if he really would still feel the same. Of coarse I knew the answer before I asked - but It just came out, he touched my head and heart and asked if thats what they were removing- because those are the things that really make him love me - SOOOOOOO of coarse there were more tears.

Today is a much better day than the past so I'll hope it stays that way. Thanks again Shelia

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

livesstrong

Nancy  - WOOP WOOP!!!!!  CONGRATS ON FINISHING - YOU HAVE MADE IT TO OZ!!! I AM SOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU.

Wish I could post a Picture - but my job has blocked Photobucket, ggrrrr.

AE

Shirlann

Hey sisters, Judie, Sue and all of our dear friends in the grief stage of this nightmare.

It DOES get better, it really does.  Time goes by and you realize you have gone 10 minutes without a thought of Bootface.  This is a major trauma to your mind and body.  It just takes time to get the different parts of your body to speak to each other again.

So hang on, and keep posting.  You are all so loved and cherished.  I wish we could all be together.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

my3girls

Hi sisters!

Judie...I am holding you up, wrapping my arms around you...whatever you need dear sister to feel better...I can do that for you. Remember as the others have said..we are all here for you, and no matter what...you know you can come here and spill your insides..and we will understand.

Nancy...congrats on finishing the rads!! Good for you!! Hope the burn gets better quickly for you.

Well..at work..so I have to be quick.  I had a great weekend.  I stayed at Dennis's on Sat. night after work. Then we headed to the cabin in Pennsylvania on Sunday morning and stayed till Monday around noon.  We had beautiful weather, the trees are starting to turn color, we hiked, visited a few small festivals, took a  nice drive, built a fire outside and cooked steaks on it.  I won't tell anymore...but we had a FANTASTIC time.  Good bonding time!!

Today is the 5 yr. anniversary of losing my Mom. I can't believe how quickly that has gone. I stopped by the cemetary before work to say hello.   I miss her sooooo much.

I'll check in later!

Love to you all!

xoxo

Lisa

sueps

Nancy , woooohoooo .... you are amazing xxx CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!

SIsters, I have ahd a bad accident today ...I tripped at work and punctured my temple...there was blood galore... and I had to be stitched up....OH MY I AM SO HURTING ...and CROSS iwth life ...I am that cross I have to laugh!!!!!

URGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD I AM CROSS!!!!!! 

my3girls

SUSIE Q!! Omg...girl slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww down!! How many stitches did you need?  You poor thing!! I am glad you are finding some humor in it all!  Take a pain pill and have a little nap!! Please!!! xoxo sweetie!