please help

sueps

this is how I feel ...

I have achieved chemo.... but what have I achieved....nothing ...cos I am no further on than before !!!  

Ok I am going for my bath.... I will come and read later...xxx

It is bank holiday monday tomorrow and I am working..then on Tuesday I am driving over to the lakes to see my dad ...if I feel up to it.... xxx

Much Love to everyone.... so sorry for whining xxx

Ulla

I  KNOW HONEY WAT THIS CHEMO MAKE U FEEL ABOUT SWEETS ..I HAVE BEEN DOING THE SAME BUT I REGERET IT REALY,,U CAN SATSFY THIS SWEET TOOTH WITH BANANAS..OR DATES OR ANY SWEET FRUITS HONEY ,,I MUST TAKE CARE OF U SISTER..TRY TO START WITH SWEET FRUITS,,I KNOW THAT THE CHEMO MAKES U WANT THE SWEETS BECOZ ITS THE ONLY THING THAT STILL TASTES GOOD ,,I KNEW ALL ABOUT SUGARS AFTER I FINISHED WHICH WAS SO LATE FOR ME..NOW ITS NOT SO LATE FOR U..START WITH FRUITS WHENEVER U CRAVE SUGARS ,,GET RID OF ALL SWEETS THAT U HAVE IN HOME..IN OTHER WORDS CLEAN UR HOME TO BE IN REAL CONTROL..I AM EATING REALLY HEALTHY NOW..AND WANT U TO START THINKING ABOUT THAT COZ U DESERVE IT..IT HELPED ME TO MAKE IT MY GOAL FOR NOW...U CAN JOIN US IN A THREAD CALLED (FOODS LETS GET SPECIFIC)WE R FEW WOMEN WHO IS TRYING TO STAY AS HEALTHY AS WE CAN,,ITS GOOD FUN AND HELPS TO WATCH URSELF DAILY..FEEL FREE TO JOIN US SISTERS...

ITS GOOD TO HAVE A GOOD CRY NOW AND THENM...GO GIRL..WASH UR HEART ..DETOXIFY WITHTEARS AND COME OUT OF UR BATH AS CALM AS A CHILD,,,

I LOVE U

Ulla

DEAR SWEET SUE,,U ACHIEVED CUTTING UR RECURRENCY RISKS FOR HIGH PERCNT BY DOING CHEMO,,SO U HAVE ACHIVED AN IMPORTANT THING REGARDING TO UR TREATMENT..

NOW U WANT TO KNOW IF U R GOING TO DIE OR NOT??THINK ABOUT IT,,IS IT A REASONABLE Q TO ASK OURSELVES IF WE R GOING TO LIVE OR NOT??WHO CAN KNOW..EVEN THE HEALTHY PPL AND CHILDREN,,RICH PPL AND POOR,,BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY,,,NEVER KNOWS,,NO ONE KNOW HONEY AND U R JUST ONE OF MILIONS WHO DONT KNOW WAT WILL HAPPEN IN THEIR LIVES..SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF ASKING MYSELF?WAT WILL BE DIFFERENT THING THAT I AM GOING TO DO IF I KNEW THAT AM NOT GOING TO LIVE LONG AND THAT I WILL DIE SOON,,AND I FOUND THAT IF I CAN DO IT NOW ,,I JUST MUST DO IT NOW..AND IF ITS NOT POSSIBLE TO BE DONE I SAY ,,WELL ITS NOT POSSIBLE NOW BUT IT CAN WAIT,,I WILL DO IT LATER..JUST LIKE SCARLET OHARA SAID AT THE END OF THE FILM(GONE WITH THE WIND)SHE WAS TRYING TO GET HER MAN BACK AFTER HE LEFT..BUT SHE SAID ,,THERE MUST BE A WAY TO GET HIM BACK,,I CANT THINK NOW,,I WILL THINK ABOUT THAT TOMORROW!!!!!WE ALL CAN DO THE SAME..

GO AND TRY TO DO THE THINGS THAT U CAN DO THEM NOW..AND JUST WAIT TILL U CAN DO THE OTHER THINGS TO BE DONE LATER..THINS SEEMS MUCH EASIER THIS WAY,,TRUST ME GIRL...I LOVE U AND HOPE U R HAVING A NICE BATHING TIME

Shirlann

Oh my, precious Sue and Ulla.  Just know, just know, you will both be fine.  You are at the  bottom of the well and this is a scary dark place, but you will climb out of this spot.  I promise you.

I think the very worst thing about this dang bootface is the unknown.  But for both of you, you should do just fine.  But, sadly, time will let you know this, and we humans are very impatient.  Since all our lives, most things are either black or white, we are not used to "Uh well, uh uh, who knows?"  What kind of a frickin' answer is that?

So just take it one day at a time, baby steps.  Try not to spend too much time in the future, give your bodies time to heal.  And for heaven's sake, Sue, of course your chemo did its job!  You know that.  It is just natural for you to want a positive, for sure, no maybe's answer. 

So I recommend serious drugs.  Lots of Ativan, valium, (not while driving or working around sharp things, ahem, Sue babe!!!

When you get so down, just come here and see all the women who are okay.

I had a nice surprise today, our local California Pizza Kitchen, a middle of the road, but nice, restaurant gave out little sealed folders last time we were there.  So, today, we went back, and the trick is, YOU cannot open them to see what the prize is, only the restaurant manager.  Well, he opened mine first and I won DINNER FOR SIX!  I was so thrilled, then, he opened Walt's and he won DINNER FOR SIX.  This is worth $240.00.  We were so happy.  We are going to ask all the kids to come and chow down, they have gourmet pizzas but also lovely salads with gorgonzola, and grapes and sliced appled, chicken, and raddichio.  Many, many salads and pasta dishes.

Ulla, don't be mad at your hubby.  Honey, this was just too much for him to carry alone.  He saw all the faces of the people that love you so much, and just couldn't continue the farce.  I think it was good, your mom is better off knowing.  If one of my sons had not told me something like this, I would have been hurt.  So we'll see how this goes, but don't be mad at him, he was at his wits end.

Sue, now buck up girl, let's see that famous British Stiff Upper Lip, I know, I know, not so easy.  You need all of us to just hug you till you cry for mercy!

GORGEOUS pix of the ocean, looks like the Oregon coast.  And what a wonderful son!

You are all so precious to me.  Shirlann  

Anonymous

Ulla, you are so wise. Sue, you are so normal.

Yes, no one knows how long they will live. We go about assuming we will live until we are very old and hope to die in our sleep.

We now belong to a club of people who have solid proof that we might not follow that plan. All the good, positive feelings in the world cannot take away this fact. It will be with us every day of our lives, lurking in the dark corners.

That means that we must treasure each day. It also means that we have to fight hard against that "thing" lurking at the back of our minds in order to be able to treasure our time here. In moments of weakness, it steals our time and fills it with fear and despair.

We will have to be scrappy fighters every day. It is not easy, but it is not just for us, but for our dear families and friends. If there is no choice, there is no purpose in pondering the "what ifs" while there is life to be lived. The tangible fight...surgery, chemo, rads...are easy compared to the daily struggle. We can do it!

What is more healing than a hot bath? It refreshes body and spirit. Enjoy!

Love and tons of huggles,

Judie 

Anonymous

Wow Shirlann!!! Lucky and well deserved. Your words are warm and wise, as always, just like you most certainly are.

Wren, I hear you. Having a son at college is hard. It's an age of separation before we are really ready and sometimes they don't realize how it is with us. My guy is in love, and lives in our family home, which I did not own so is no longer my home. Thus, when he is around, he is still gone for me. He has to make time to see me, and is busy so that's hard. What I really want is for him to go about his life, coming home for a quick meal, a few hours sleep, a hang out time...but those things happen at a home I no longer occupy. His gift of two days was overwhelming. My thoughts and prayers will be focused on your son's gift of time with you. It will happen, I just know it.  

Judie 

Ka-Loni

Hi Sue, I hear your feeling a bit down. You know, chemo was weird with me too. The first darn week of each treatment, I was so down. Very moody. I was a bear! It would hit me smack in the face about the third day after each of my treatments. Good God! The chemo has alot to do with your emotions now. It will go away. Just hang in there sweetie. Remember what I have said: Keep Positive, Keep your Faith, and Be Strong. And you will get there. You too, will see that bright light shining through at the end of the tunnel. Take Care lovey.

God Bless,

Love,

Kaloni

Ulla

dear judie,,i might have to say that i still have lil disagreement with u about our death,,we still just like any other healthy ppl can die peacfully in our beds,,it still a possibility for most of us even if we have/had BC..i love ur words and the way u understand the life,,u r so deep too..

well ,,i am planning to stay around for the next 30 years ..and to die peacfully in my bed ,,with god will..

love u sisters

sueps

Thankyou so much Shirlann .... you are amazing...I can feel your deep love....as I lay on my bed with Zippy...feel bit better now I have had a bath...and I am excited again LOL...excited to be free of chemo.... this is crazee!!! .....

Judie too....these last few posts are very poignant to my journey...I can handle physical roll ya sleeves up better than ma lonely thoughts...and you all have given me a step up tonite...be it baby ones....

Ulla thank you for being you !! xxxxx

Kaloni...hello xxx you little ray of sunshine !!!! its always good to see you xxx

THIS IS THE KING OF MY HOUSE.... HE OWNS ME AND EVERYTHING IN IT.... I TOOK IT FIVE MINS AGO....X X X

sueps

Shirlann ...wow what an amazing prize...my mouth is watery lol...you will have a great time !!!1 You deserve it and so does Walt...save me a crumb won't ya mum xxx

Anonymous

I'm sorry, Ulla, if I wasn't clear.

I hope we all die peacefully in our beds at a very advanced age, and that is what I certainly plan to do.

What I mean is that we live with the knowledge that we are fighting something very real every day that makes us feel far more vulnerable than before. Never did any of us believe that we would be victims of bootface...it would be someone else. We have lost our innocence. This means working harder to be positive about life and not letting our fears take over. Does that make more sense?

my3girls

Just checking in....and there were 34 posts to read!  I am really tired, worked around the house and in the yard, then attended a graduation party.  I will post a quick one. First...dear Sue..you are experiencing very normal feelings. However, our dear sweet Ulla...gave you GREAT WORDS OF WISDOM!! Keep reading her words and try everyday to live by them.  Life is short..and us being bc survivors know that all too well.  So don't waste time worrying...and feeling down...live life everyday to it's fullest!! I feel like a changed person from this experience....and that is a better person. So in some ways I think the cancer was a blessing in disguise for me! Weird to think that isn't it??  Just remember...when I first met you back in November on here...what did I tell you....WORRY IS FOR SHIT!! Haha...like Ulla said...remember that, my dear old grandmother...even though she couldn't express herself with the english language very well...she did get that message across to us...worry is for shit!! It does you no good!!! Judie.....Love the pics!!! I am glad you had such a special time with your son!! Sisters I am very tired, and I am going to cuddle on the couch with my little Oliver!! I love you all...Shirlann, Mel, Sheila, Judie, Jules, Ulla, Sue, Nancy, Wren,Kaloni, AE & UB..and all of you!!!!! xoxo Lisa

Anonymous

Oh, Lisa! You are one of those truly connected people who can become a better person through this terrible experience. I always thought I would be right there with you if it ever happened to me. So many people really discover meaning in their lives when something bad happens. I've known and admired many of them. I was very disappointed in myself by my reaction to the diagnosis.

I don't know if it was here or somewhere else that someone mentioned the book, "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person...A  Memoir in Comics" but is perfect for me. The author , Miriam Engelberg, chose to write a comic strip as she went through her breast cancer experience. I laughed so hard. It was such a relief to hear someone speak my feelings. It may be that everyone in my life will receive this book as a gift so they can understand me and get a giggle at the same time. And maybe laughing will help me to find deeper meaning at last.

Ka-Loni

Hi Sue, It's me again.Ha! Now you must think positive thoughts. Stay focused sweetie, and don't let negative thoughts hold you back. Forget Bootface! Shirlann is right. This is an emotional rollarcoaster ride! Take plenty of med's. Like Effexor, Ambien, Valium, Xanax to get you through. Ha! That is what I am doing right now with Menopause. It sounds crazy, and it is. You Remember, yes, take one step at a time. Little baby steps. Be focused on the now. And, one day at a time. You know, having Cancer made me more patient, and to take it as it is, and just heal. And, I did. You too. Your going to get there. Keep Positive, Keep your Faith and Keep Strong.You just relax now and rest.

God Bless,

Love,

Kaloni

Ulla

DEAR JUDIE..I NOW UNDERSTAND WAT U MEAN EXACTLY..THANKS ALOT FOR THE EXPLANATION,,BUT STILL WAT U SAID ABOUT OUR KNOWLEDGE AND BEING DIAGNOSED WITH BC CAN BE A BONUOSE FOR US NOT AGAINST US,,AT LEAST ME AND DH LOOK AT IT FROM THIS POINT OF VEIW,,IF I DIDNT HAVE THIS DIAGNOSIS,,I WOULD NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT STARTING TO TAKE CARE OF MY HEALTH,,EATING HEALTHY..WORKING OUT..SWIMMING DAILY..WALKING INSTEAD OF USING MY CAR WHENEVER ITS POSSIBLE..FEELING THE MEANNING OF EVERY SINGLE PASSING MOMENT AND LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST,,KNOWING HOW STRONG I AM,,KNOWING HOWMUCH DH REALY LOVES ME,,AND ME LOVING HIM INSPITE OF OUR GREAT LOSS OF OUR 1ST BABY AND THE POSIBILITY THAT WE CANT HAVE ANY OTHER ,,INFACT ,,I WANT TO SAY THAT INSPITE THAT THIS DISEASE IS SOOOOO UGLY AND HIT ME SO BAD ,,BUT IT REALLY MADE ME HAVE SOME GOOD CHANGES IN MY LIFE,,

I BECAME A BETTER PERSON,,MORE PATIENT,,MORE PEACFULL,,WISER,,STRONGER,,AND ABOVE ALL I FEEL AM FILLED WITH LOVE MORE THAN I WAS BE4 DIAGNOSIS..

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A COPY OF THE BOOK U MENTIONED,,CAN U SEND ME A COPY??I AM VERY INTRESTED IN HAVING MORE LAUGHS AFTER DX TOO...

 LISA..I HOPE U HAD A GOOD TIME WITH LIL OLIVER,,

SINCE THE 1ST TIME I CAME TO THIS THREAD AND SAW UR GRANDMOM WORDS I COULDNT FORGET THEM ...THEY R SO TRUE,,,AND THEY CAN BE OUR GUIDE IN OUR HARD TRIP...

LOVE U GIRLS

livesstrong

Sue - I am so sorry I wasn't here last night for you.  But Ulla, Shirlann & Judie were spot on as usual.   LISTEN to what they said and start believing it.  You have just finished your journey - it takes time to heal.  But with each passing day it gets better and better. 

I learned a loooong time ago that no matter how much we worry about something it NEVER changes the outcome of it.  Lisa's grandma knew that all along -

WORRY IS FOR SHIT!!!  

I think that should be our new mantra!!! lol 

Love you all,

AE 

NancyD

I have to add that, as a mom, it's my "job" to worry for my kids, but I never worry for myself. Whatever comes along for me in my life, I know I can deal with it. Shoot, I've just about had the worst thrust at me this year, and I'm dealing with it, not worrying.

honeygirl

You ladies are all so uplifting , spiritual , and amazing. Sue , you have been given some wise words from our sisters here. And yes , I think our mantra should Be , "worry is for shit!". Thanks Lisa , and to your Grandma. Sounds like she understood life perfectly.

Judie , love the pics , and I sooo understand how you feel. I would like to get that book.

Sue! Zippy looks just like my lil' one! I love it. Oh , I have named the little darling. I will post a pic.

Well , I hope everyone is having a peaceful and memorable Memorial Day. Love to you all.xxxx Melody

honeygirl

Everyone , I'd like you to meet , Sweetpea!

Ulla

oh god bless u mel..she is soooooo pretty

i love cats..

love u sisters

Ulla

uugghhhhh,,

i am in pain,,ny breast drag the port wound..its sooo uncomfortable..i tried to put my bra for the 1st time today after the port removal and went to do some food shoping..it was difficuilt even to walk ..i hardly bought the necessary things and went back in pain..dear sisters,,any of u had such pain after port removal??howlong it will take till it heals??

am going to have my tam pill..and off to bed early,,

tomorrow i have my part 1 of 3rd level swedish test..

prey for me to pass..

love u sisters

geebung

It was so good to get back and read some (still haven't caught up with all) of your wise, warm and wonderful posts. You are such a fantastic group of women! Ulla - my very best wishes for top marks in your Swedish exam and I hope the port pain goes soon.

Sue, hope you are feeling better - you are much loved.

Melody - what a darling kitten! I love her name - so cute! I am having to restrain myself every day from getting a kitten. Just yesterday there was an ad on the noticeboard at the local shops for a kitten "free to good home"... but I must wait until I have moved and am settled!

Lovely Lisa - it's always great to hear from you!

Shirlann - what a great prize - congratulations!

I'd better go back and read the other posts.

Love to everyone,

Jane xxx 

my3girls

Good evening sisters!!! I love you all so very much!! Thank you all....my dear grandmother (Baba) as I knew her..Baba means grandmother in Ukranian....I am sure she, along with my own mother, is smiling down from heaven to see how her broken English four little words...are meaning so much to so many!! I went with Olivia to my mothers grave today...first time I didn't actually cry.  I know she is watching over me...and now her and her mother are going to be looking down on all of you.  Sue..you have yourself 2 more angels to look out for you sweetie!  I smiled so big reading how "Worry is for shit"  should be our new mantra....who would have ever guesses my strong, wise and loving Baba..simple words would have such an impact. Ulla...I thought of you today....I had some retail therapy!! I went to TJMaxx with Olivia and bought myself a few darling outfits!! One is black and white..so cute.  I will wear it on the plane when we travel to Arizona next month.  It was fun to get new things, and at good prices.  But right after and even while trying them on...I was experiencing shoppers guilt!! I didn't spend allot of money...but I still have the guilt about buying things for myself!! I must stop that!  I just hope I get all the money that the court promised me from my ex!! He only has a few days to deposit the rest of it!! Cross your fingers...cause then I won't feel so guilty!! Jane...when you get settled...you can get yourself a little kitten.  That will be one lucky little fur ball! Mel...Sweetpea is adorable!! Oh my goodness.  Lilly & Sweetpea...I love it!! How are they getting along?? Ulla..good luck on your Swedish tests.  I know you will do great!! I am sorry you are having problems with your port removal.  I don't recall having any trouble with mine after it was taken out.  I do know that it was tender for awhile.  Even after it was healed...sometimes I would experience some discomfort there, but nothing really too terrible.  Judie..thanks...I am not sure that I am truly connected.  It's just that this whole experience made me take a step back and look at what I have in my life...and how blessed I am.  I am a type A personality..and I would let stupid little things bother me...I was sweating the small stuff WAY TOO OFTEN!! This disease had finally made me realize..that STUFF is not important.  So I do feel I have finally grown!  That book sounds very delightful! Nancy...I hear you about worrying about our children.  I think as mother's it is only normal to worry some.  I have always been able to put things into perspective and never been overbearing or worried about every move they make.  I have given allot of that over to God.  I pray for them everyday, that He watches over them and guides them to make wise decisions.  My oldest is leaving for Europe in less than a week.  Will I worry...Oh yeah!! But not excessively.  I know I have instilled in her good judgements and she will be safe.  I will do allot of praying for 2 weeks!!! Sisters...any prayers from you for Danni's safety...will be greatly appreciated. How is our Sue today?? I hope you are doing well sweetie...we love you!!! Karen....I miss you...you are probably enjoying a busy weekend with your family. AE...did you and UB cook out this weekend?? The weather has been wonderful!! Love to you all!! xoxo Lisa

Shirlann

This is CLEO, Dusty's best friend, Hugs, Shirlann" border="" hspace="" vspace="" width="" height="" align="" />

my3girls

Oh Shirlann...Cleo, and Zippy and little Sweetpea could all be family!! They look so much alike!! She sure has grown!! By the way dear Mother...I forgot to congratulate you and dear Walt on your winnings!! That is fabulous!!  You two are lucky...head to VEGAS!! haha.. xoxo Lisa

suebee92

Awwh... Hello all!

How is everyone? I've been okay, went back to work Sat. UGGH! It was weird to see everyone and start all over.

I go back to the onc. tomorrow to review my oncotype testing!? Hope all goes well? At least I'll know if chemo is next. Then back to my gp to make sure the happy pills are okay for me.Then to the ps. to get my stitches out and a fill. So very busy day.

Sue- Hope you're doing well?

Everyone else hope your journey is well and your enjoying your holiday? I will try to post soon.

HUGS AND KISSES!

Suebee

portiasproudmom

I know you're all probably in bed by now, but I wanted to stop in to say hi!!  It was an incredibly busy weekend.  Dh finished repairing my parent's deck and we did a lot of yard work too.  We also saw the new Indiana Jones movie.  It wasn't as good as the first one, but we all enjoyed it very much.

I love the kitty pics!  Mel, Sweetpea is so precious!  And Shirlann!  Cleo is almost regal looking.  Gorgeous!

I'll be back tomorrow.  I hope our Sue will be feeling better by then.  Love you all!!

Hugs,

Karen

lvtwoqlt

I just got back to work after a long vacation with my in-laws (5 nights in a 3 bedroom lodge with 9 people)!!! more details later. I will start reading on page 225 later, after I catch up at work!

Love Sheila

livesstrong

Quiet around here today.

Hope Sue is enjoying her day with her Dad.

Love, love, love all the kitty pictures - soooooooooooo cute!!!

Sheila - Welcome Back!!  I saw you posting on the Pinkstock thread.  I am going, are you???

Ulla - my port removal did not hurt at all, not sure why you are having such trouble.  I'm sure you will do great on your test - you are too smart not to!!

To all the other beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny, articulate women on this great thread - YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

Love you all,

AE

sueps

AE 

YOU HAVE A VOICEMAIL WHENCE YOU GET HOME.... I AM FLOATING ON THE STAR THAT YOU WISH UPON....

AND YOU HAVE HAD MY DAD IN TEARS OF PROFOUND LOVE TODAY...BECAUSE YOU AND ALL OF YOU ON THIS YELLOWBRICK ROAD ARE MORE THAN ABSOLUTELY MORE THAN I OR MY FAMILY COULD HAVE EVER OF DREAMED OF....X X X

Thankyou thankyou thankyou THANKYOU ...for the most amazing gift and the most PRECIOUS PRECIOUS CARDS I recieved today...I took them all to the Lakes and told my dad all about our journey and  he was overcome with tears of love ....xxx

OK .... I am off to have a good hmmmmmmmm think.... mmmmm..cry.... ....... and beam with love from my heart .... X X X

oh and guess what GIN AND LISA got through to the finals of Britains got talent...THEY WERE FREAKING AMAZING LAST NIGHT...I will find a link xxx