The Connection of Cancer and Troubled/Addicted Loved Ones

Thank you bff, for starting the thread.  My daughter has struggled with depression all through her adolescense.  In her teen years she began to drink, and to take drugs. Her downward spiral was intense, and within 6 months she was trying to live on the streets and the couches of like-minded friends. We tried therapy, and then medication after a psychiatrist told us that she was suffering from bi-polar disorder.  She overdosed on lithium several months later, taking more and more when it didn't help her to feel better and ended up in the hospital with toxic levels of the drug, close to death. The state took her from us and placed her in a mental hospital on a suicide watch.  When she was returned to us, on a new medication, it was only days before she was sneaking out again. 

My DH and I sent our daughter to a therapeutic wilderness program for over 3 months (dead of winter, in Utah.)  Afterwards, we sent her to a therapeutic residential school for 8 months, with 2 therapy sessions each day. She transitioned back to real life in a 6 month group teen living program. During this 18 month period she was transitioned off all drugs, given a toolbox to use to try to regulate herself emotionally (dialectic behavioral therapy,) and learned to see herself more positively. The entire family had counseling together once a week over the phone and also once a week here in CA without her, to prepare for her return.  We had assigned reading and writing each week for the program. It consumed our lives. It also broke us financially. That said, we would do it over again. My daughter is drug and alcohol free for 3 years now.  She attends a prestigious art school (creative and talented Janis, like your son-- I think there is also a link there) and she does outreach to local teens who are at risk.

I am spending my time writing our story now.  Every day I hope that she will make it to tomorrow, and that the story will have a happy ending.

I don't know if the stress caused my cancer.  Or the radiation from the gps alarm tucked into my pajama top each night, where the tumor later grew. Part of me suspects that it did. I know for sure the experience didn't help my health!

SAB, Truebuff

Thank you for sharing your stories here.  As we all know addiction is incredibly difficult to cope with.  It fractures families.  I try very hard not to let Ryan's illness disrupt my life, but it is deeper than just Ryan.  Our family history is jsut so heartbreaking and frightening frankly.  I have come to accept Ryan for who he is and the life (or non life) that he has chosen.  I have no idea why this beloved young man does not seem to have any of the inner strength that runs in the strong women in my family.  He accepts defeat and dwells there.  He is non combative totally.  Adam, my youngest son, also suffers from mental illness but is extremely successful.  He has sought treatment, takes medication, and leads a good life.  He cannot accept his brother's failures and struggles with the fact that both his dad and I still defend Ryan.  We are divorced, but still friends.  Cal has chosen to allow Ryan to live with him and he does support him.  Adam is furious about this "enabling" and it has put a huge huge rift between us all.  I have to remind Adam despite his anger that Ryan is still my son.  I have two sons, not one.  Adam has disowned him and is happy with that decision.  I will never give up on Ryan and this infuriates Adam.  It is a no win situation and a painful one at that.  Sometimes I think being far away helps.  My dreams of having a nice family holiday get together are not likely to happen.  Adam will not set foot in any room Ryan is in.  There will be no holiday meals.  We have spent the past three Christmas's alone.  Holidays to me are just joyless.  Adam stays in Colorado, Ryan cannot afford to travel, nor can wel.  My poor family is so fractured it breaks my heart.

I do smile, I do laugh.  I realize I am not going to be able to fix this.  Accepting that is painful but it also is a reality.  I cannot change it.  Ryan has no desire to better his life.  He has such low self esteem and knows that Adam despises who he has become.  He is just sad, depressed, alone, and leads a solitary life.

SAB......Your daughter is remarkable to be clean and sober for three years!  I am so happy for that milestone for all of you.  She of course is the big winner here, but your whole family is healthier for it.  That is wonderful.

truebuff......I am incredibly sorry for all that you have been through.  There are no words sometimes.  You are a strong woman, as you have had to be.  My heart goes out to you and for all you have had to endure.  I am truly and deeply sorry.

My niece is in trouble now as well.  At 18 she too is gifted, talented, and really scares me now.  She is cutting again over the end of a brief relationship.  She gives so much of herself in such a short time and then lands sideways.  She is a talented writer, working 2 jobs and living on her own in the Denver area.  She is really hurting and my sister too is beside herself with worry.  Thjere is so much frustration when you feel you just can't reach them in the depth of their sadness.  She is shutting me out now, and her mom as well.  An old pattern when she becomes self destructive.  The gene pool all of us came from is really tragic.  Not looking for sympathy....just a fact.  Suicide has cut our family deeply.  None of us are having an easy time of it atthe moment in terms of our children.  I will never give up however.  Nor will i spiral down that path of hopelessness.  I have plans to do better here.

I find that once you have had the experience of a love one coming off the rails you just live with the tension of knowing it can happen again.  She is so strong, but so fragile at the same time, that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop (sorry for the mixed metaphor!) Janis, she cut and burned too...so heartwrenching. Three years feels like a moment. And bff I hear what you are saying about the cost of care. It basically ruined us, and I am terrified that my younger daughter may someday need help that we will not be able to afford.

The first book we read when she was in the program was "Addictive Thinking."  It explains a lot about how addicts think and express themselves, and their manipulation of those around them. I believe it also talks about avoiding people who do not support your self-delusion Janis, which explain some of your neice's distance. Sorry, I can't find it for author's name...will add it if I find it.

Gabor Mate, In the realm of hungry ghosts. This book helped me to understand what my daughter was going through, doing to herself.

She is almost three years clean of an opiate/alcohol and myriad other substance abuse. I am three years from a dx of BC with liver mets. When I was diagnosed we went to see our lawyer about getting custody of our granddaughter. Our daughters life had spiralled out of control and we were very afraid that our grandchild, who had been resilient would end up damaged by her mothers problems. We told our daughter about my diagnosis and our custody claim on the same day. She asked us if we would keep her child safe and happy while she dealt with her shit. I had my mastectomy the same day she started rehab.

We are both doing very well, I'm NED, she's clean and working full time and going part time to university. She and her daughter have a loving, happy relationship. Our granddaughter is a loving, funny, brilliant child, who is back living with her mom, but who is always delighted to come for a sleepover. My daughter is aware that she will probably always be fighting demons, she is also aware that self medication is no way to treat depression. She knows that we love her and won't ever give up on her, but that she is ultimately responsible for what she chooses to do with her life, and we won't ever give up our responsibility for ensuring that our granddaughter is living a healthy, happy, secure childhood.

I asked my SIL to care for our granddaughter when I had the mastectomy. Just that day so that my husband could come and be with me. I had to explain to her what I had not told even my own sisters, that my daughter was a substance abuser, likely mentally ill, and we didn't have her permission to tell. But I did tell. She told me my cancer diagnosis was a result of my pent up anger, frustration, sorrow about my daughter.

Actually, it's really my cells out of order, refusing to hear the call to shut down. I refuse to believe that it is in any way my daughters fault, even tangentially.

In Anticancer, Servan-Schreiber states the cancer-stress link quite elegantly:  "No Psychological factor by itself has ever been identified as being capable of creating that bad seed...(but) certain psychological states can profoundly influence the soil in which the seed develops."  On page 152 he describes studies in rats that link feelings of despondency and helplessness to tumor growth. Conversely he goes on to talk about how a positive outlook is linked to lower mortality rates in multiple studies.

kayfh-How lucky for your daughter that you were able to intervene to keep your grandchild safe. 

kayfh.....I am so thrilled to hear your daughter has made such amazing progress.  I wish I knew what that "defining moment" was for her.  Of course I know it was likely not one thing.  Yet she chose to thrive, not merely exist.  To better her life for both her and her child.  For now they are both in a good place, and this has to make you feel safe as well for them.  I can tell what a wonderful support system you are for her.

Shayne, your son and mine are the same age.  Unlike your son, Ryan has no obvious anger toward me.  My younger son does, but for now he is very successful and stable.  I don't understand really.  Growing up and to this day, Ryan has never said an unkind word to me.  When we talk he tells me what a wonderful and supportive mom I was.  He blames me for nothing.  We have never been estranged.  He is just sad, prefers to distance himself from his own son as if he has something contaigous.  He feels he has nothing to offer Wesley in his current condition.  He has no hope and no plans, nor desire, to ever get "better".  Happiness to him is too elusive and nothing he believes he can ever find.

If tumors indeed thrive on stress then I am in deep trouble.  Seriously.  There is so much wrong right now, yet I remain (I believe) hopeful that things just have to get better.

SAB, Thanks!  You are right of course and I know this.  It has been such a hard road with my sons and I am still learning every day.  What I do know is that they were raised with a lot of love.  Genteics is a funny thing and Ryan got the worst of the family gene pool.  Adam and I have a tentative dance.  He is not forgiving and tends to want to continue to play the blame game.  Years of therapy has not taught him the one thing he needs to learn: forgiveness.  I appreciate you kind words more than you can know.  Thank you. 

well said!

Truebuff....I meant to say I loved your post.  I had one of those toxic siblings.  It was always a struggle.  I just found out he died nearly three years ago.  My older son is the lost soul you describe.  He is isolated, sad, severely depressed, but does no harm to me.  His brother sadly has disowned him. Sometimes it is impossible to create peace is a damaged family. 

Such articulate posts on the nature of our relationships.  I just want to add a practical note regarding the "ladder into the hole" for your niece, particularly when she is in a place of denial, of refusing help and of isolating herself.  At my daughter's most uncommunicative times I found it helpful to drop her notes or little packages.  Nothing heavy, not too often, just a reminder that there are people thinking of her who love her.  One time a pack of charcoal pencils.  Once a package of her favorite tea from a local store.  "Thinking about you" note enclosed. I just felt like I I had to nurture that tenuous connection that was still there, especially since she was so young and there was still a chance.  I know that once things get to a certain point you do have to "seperate" yourself from negative, destructive people.  We haven't seen my brother-in-law in years (I'm sorry about your sib Janis) and just found out he was living locally.

No Janis, you are right.  You are a great mom and a great aunt and I do think that you have to draw boundries and keep yourself safe and centered. May your son find his way. {{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}

SAB..thank you.  I do love my family and do what I am able to help those who need it.  It has been difficult of course but I still have hope.  I always will. 

Hadley....the BLOCK option is optonial and I would sure use it on that person.  I am not here to start trouble.  I am sharing very personal stories as I know there are others here who can contribute as well.  Living with mental ilness while battling cancer takes a toll on all of us.  If someone wants to share, we are here to listen and to encourage.  I am not afraid of others reading what I share.  Maybe it will give them comfort knowing they aren't alone.  Everything I say here is true, often difficult to write about but i do anyway.  It helps me, and hopefully along the way will help others.  I won't ever let anyone kick me...no need to!

Shayne I am so sorry about you son.  I understand and know how painful it is.  I hope he contacts you soon.

Love and hugs ladies!

Shayne when we deal with those that have such problems, often we cannot expect much.  That is okay, as I believe trying never hurts.  We can always take the time to reach out to those we love.  It does give us something.   In the case of your son I hope some day he turns around and replies to you.  I know how heartbreaking it is.  You can look at is as his illness that currently divides you....I am sure as a parent you did your absolute best.  I hope someday he learns to forgive what he percieves you did wrong.  It would free him from a lot of pain.

truebuff......We all know how dealing with the mentally ill can be so difficult.  I have seen my son through two suicide attempts and spent a week with him trying to keep him safe before getting him into rehab.  It was about 4 years ago and the most heartbreaking week of my life.  He was 31 then, his wife had long left him and she had a new life.  He could not get past it.  His anger toward her, the destruction of his life......was brutal to listen to.  At times he was so angry at her, other times he sobbed in my arms like a three year old child and begged me to let him die.  He told me he has had no joy in his life since he was a teenager.  He got very very drunk even though I searched the house for liquor.  The last night I was there, he was supposed to go to rehab the next day.  Instead he was so drunk he was inchoherent and ranted and ranted about wanting to die.  I was alone with him and so scared for him.  I called one therapist I knew he had seen and he told me to call the sheriff.  He said they would take him to the hospital and give him meds to sober him up.  Then he would try to get a therapist over there to evaluate his risk and then get him a 72 hour stint at the private mental facility.  It was the second hardest call I ever made in my life.  I had no choice.  The sheriff came, several of them, with guns.  I assured them that Ryan would not fight.  He has never displayed and aggression.  It broke my heart though when they made me remain outside while they went in.  They finally came out and invited me in to talk to Ryan.  He was placid, seemed much more sober and he agreed to go.  They handcuffed him and he was just resigned to it I guess.  It about killed me to do this, but I had to do what was best to keep my son SAFE. 

Being a mother is the hardest job on worth.  In our family there are so few happy endings.  We have been scarred by suicide, mental illness, alcoholism.  I remain strong and determined though.  I have to.

Lots of love and healing hugs to all who have to experience this.