The Connection of Cancer and Troubled/Addicted Loved Ones

Shayne

oh yes - my husband has been "the buffer" for my son and i for years now......I dont know what i would have done without him.  My son still listens to him and will calm down after awhile and talk to him after he rages.  A lot of people dont have that.

I like the idea of my son getting my letter energetically.  Because it was all about forgiveness.  and love of course.   

Infobabe

 Hadley 

I had an experience like that too.  Totally got reamed out by a person who surfs the Stage 4 board though she is not stage 4 herself.

Rather that argue with a troll, I ignored her and deleted all my posts on that thread.  

Who is your tormenter?  You can PM me and we can see if it is the same person. 

justmejanis

Trolls can be reported and removed.  Nobody has to tolerate any abusive behavior here.  Anywhere on this forum. 

Infobabe

 justmejanis

If you can afford it and this can work if your son is cooperative, you could each get an iPad and Skype (they dont call it that, I think facetime? the iPad is comes loaded with it.) back and forth.  Our son in NC got me one for Christmas and it is like talking to him face to face.  Though we see him only one or twice a year, we ae very close between the iPad and instant messsaing.

Trouble is, with addicts, your son might just pawn the iPad.  I have one of those sons too.

truebff

Infobabe,

What a great idea! The i-pad facetime! What works works!

(Sorry about the son who would pawn it. Our girl didn't pawn things, she just lost them or they got stolen from her. Clothes, jewlery, computers... and boyfriends broke her phones so she wouldn't call home... It took the fun out of buying wonderful things for her, something we used to love to do. Now we can't afford it. She's way expensive putting her back together. But one day, I hope and pray, we get to treat her again! One thing I keep reminding myself is that no one can take from us the wonderful sweet first eighteen years. The last eleven, she has been to hard-knocks college majoring in bad and worse boyfriends and stupid-stupid-stupid with a minor in "I just want a hamburger and I can't think beyond that."  I do hope she gets her degree finally and moves onto a graduate degree in "Oh, NOW I get it!")

justmejanis

Infofabe...At this point I can't afford a cell phone, much less an I-Pad.  We are struggling just to live on one meager SS check.  My husband had to file for SS last year (at 66) because there is absolutely no work here.  We have tried.  We do talk on the phone.  He acutally lives at his dad's home in Wyoming.  He and I were only living a couple hours apart and we were forced to moved here due to my husband's poor health.  He has emphysema/COPE and we had to leave the higher elevation.  We have no savings nor retirement so have to live on that monthly check.  It is all we have.

We don't talk often sadly.  He is very isolated where he lives (ex hubby lives almost full time at his girlfriend's).  Ryan suffers from severe social anxiety as well as crippling depression.  They live out in the country and there aren't even any close neighbors.  His life is the same every day.  He does not work, sleeps a lot.  Nothing I say of course changes his views.  He refuses to seek therapy or take any meds.  Vodka is his drug of choice.  He was once a gifted athlete in high school and an honor student.  Despite being hospitalized for five months in hos sophomore year, he went on to graduate with honors.  He has dual BA's......one in Spanish and one in German.  He has been in rehab twice and drinks almost as soon as he gets out.  He hates any kind of therapy.  He is, simply, self destructive.

I have had to come to accept that he will never be the son I remember.  He tells me sometimes that I just have to let go of my belief that he will ever be okay.  I tell him I can't, but that is my choice.  I am still his mother.

SAB

Janis, where there is life there is hope. Someday I hope your son will accept your faith and love for him as the first building block to improving his life. Brooke tells me now that just knowing we were there counted a lot in helping her find the strength to fight. I know your son is deep in his own problems right now, but somewhere in there he may find the will, and then you will help him find his way. Meanwhile, you must take care of yourself.

truebff

janis, it is okay and even really right and even really healthy for your son for you to take care of yourself. I know how hard it can be.

you can begin by reminding yourself to "light up your eyes" and think about something you enjoy, even if for a few minutes daily, to release the "grip" that worry can stranglehold us with.

Another thing, good for all, we can come here and release stuff.

AND

We can also come here and choose to share what makes us happy. Little things are a great start.

What makes/made you happy or is funny or dear today?

Last night, my husband and I made (for the first time) cream cheese and vegetable stuffed bell peppers. They were kind of awful -too many vegetables, not enough cream cheese (my fault-guilty as charged)- but they were an adventure and we made them together, made a mess of it (little baby peppers, harder to stuff) and had very different ideas about how to stuff them (plastic bag vs. by hand) but the thing was we really had fun. We had started off too tired to cook. And then we made this messy mess and ate it and didn't even care. Next time will be better.

Beckers

I was diagnosed in March with a cancer in each breast and at age 45 with no family history and have since had negative results on genetics tests. My oldest son was a youth leader at our church, played drums on worship team, and even did urban mission trips across US. Then came meth. He became severely addicted and life became hell for past 7 years. I can't tell you just how crazy life has been, including, BUT not limited to, kidnapped by mafia, arrested multiple times, completing 3rd prison term for drug charges and soon to be released..so.....it has made me wonder about the cancer connection for sure.

Shayne

Sorry Beckers.  

Stress is definitely a factor.  Ive read and heard even western medicine doctors speak of it.   

truebff

Beckers, So sorry for all the trauma you've been through. It is so important for you to heal and take car of yourself. BIG Hugs!

SAB

((((Beckers,)))) it sounds like a rough ride for sure.  

 I don't think anyone here is saying their cancer originated in stress, but stress certainly helps cancer (and other diseases) that we are predisposed to manifest in our bodies.  Anticancer discusses the connection between stress and disease (p. 158) detailing the physical effects that it promotes. Like Shayne and bff I would urge you to spend some time taking care of yourself emotionally...yoga, exercise or some way to find your center.  Unfortunately we can't help even those we love the most until they start the ball rolling.

Cherilynn64

Beckers like you I had both DCIS and IDC althought just in one breast.

The breast surgeon, the radiation onc, and the medical onc all three said the stress of what I had been going through "absolutely" fueled the cancer. Makes me wonder if it was contained as DCIS then started to spread due to the amount of coritsol that had to be going through our bodies. Not provable, but not one of the docs discounted it.

Cheri 

Beckers

Thank you all for your reply. I started counseling at the cancer center and I am joining the support group this week. Time to definitely deal with it. This is such a huge wake up call. I've heard people can die of a broken heart. Maybe this is what that looks like.

justmejanis

Beckers I am really sorry for all the trouble you are having with your son.  Mental illness is so heartbreaking and it affects so many around us.  I wrote a big long story about my son Ryan...it went to cyberspace somehow.  Poof.  Vanished.  I am a terrible typist and it takes me so long to type so that makes me really upset!  Suffice it is to say he is suicidal much of the time and scares me every day of his life.  It is a tragic loss as he was always a bright and gifted student, earned dual degrees in both Spanish and English.  He does not work, he has been a professional house painter for years.  As soon as he gets hisd first paycheck it is Vokka time.  He drinks himself into oblivian for days on end.   He is socially challenged to say the least.  His wife left him while he was in rehab for the first time.  He has never recovered and cannot stand watching her have a new man, and lots of joy.  Frankly Ryan is joyless.  He has been in two separate rehab programs.  The first was a private one and he began drinking within days after leaving.  He is disgnosed with Major Depression and sever Social Anxiety Disorder.  The second stint he was in for 60 days and found out his wife was dating my stepson's best friend.  I think he started drinking the same day he was released.  He told me he will never beat the alcohol and I need to give up on him.  Not happening of course.  I worry as he is alone much of the time and really,he just drinks.   My uncle and brother committed sjuicide 8 months apart.  Ryan has a gun, but has told me he wouldn't ise it.  His logic is so skewed.  He drinks himself into unconsciosness on a regular basis, and hopes to just not wake up one day.  Then nobody will know it is a suicide.  OMG....we moved to Idaho just two years ago and I have not seen him since we left.  It breaks my heart, but there is no money to get him here.  I know he misses me a lot. 

So that is the short version.  Beckers I know what a struggle you are going through.  Help yourson when you can do so in a positiove way.  You need to know these are choices he made.  Don't blame yourself please.  Find positive thngs in lifethat make you happy.  You have to be good to yourself. 

To everyone dealing with this, I sincerely care and Ido understand.  Extra hugs to all of you.  Plenty of love too!

Janis

Shayne

You know that saying......misery loves company...?  I hate that saying!

But I am comforted in knowing there are mothers out there that understand my pain with my son.  So comforted.  I dont even know you ladies, but somehow, knowing there is someone out there who gets it, who totally gets it .....just helps me breathe 

justmejanis

Shayne that is what is wonderful about this place.  We can talk about a variety of topics.  Cancer all by itself is a lot to deal with.  When we go through all the stress related to the illness of our loved ones....it makes it very difficult.  I am more than happy to share my experiences and if it helps someone else, then it is worth opening up those wounds.  Anytime you need to vent, I am here to listen. 

Big hugs!

Cherilynn64

Beckers...not until I dealt with a man who was my closest friend for 3 1/2 years that every shrink I have been to thinks is an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder with traits of bipolar and sociopathy and narcissism could I think someone could die of a broken heart. I get it now, too. In my case, he didn't really break my heart, he broke my soul. There are days I wonder why did I bother getting treated for cancer? There are days I still think that if it comes back, I'll just refuse treatment. Luckilly that's not most days, but it does happen.....I cannot tell you how much pain I have been in for the last almost 13 months now - cancer showed up right in the middle of my mess. I know others on here understand....I think going through all of this has made me more sympathetic to various situations that people go through.

Shayne I haven't seen you on in a while - let me know how you are doing sometime!

Cheri 

Beckers

Cheri - oh my gosh I have struggled with those same feelings about treatment. I have felt very guilty after lurking in the Stage IV rooms because I know they would give anything to be us. It is just that it is so heart wrenching that it's difficult to think of going through any more. You do lose yourself in the process. I finally after 7 years have started counseling. I hope it helps.



Janis - I know my son has mental health issues....he is sober at the moment because he is incarcerated. I, once again, am hopeful this will be the time. He has not fried himself yet due to drug use and I am thankful for that. But....he has been so dysfunctional in life. How long have you been going through this? I cannot imagine if his entire life will be like this. I will die. I cannot fathom it continuing on. 7 years is a long time.



Thank you too Shayne, BFF, and SAB for the kind words.

truebff

Ladies, this may seem off-topic, but I have to encourage you to check this out:

If you are in Michigan or near or can get here from where you are, there is a totally awesome program here: Grass Lakes Sanctuary Women's Wellness Retreats.

They offer FREE three day retreats for women after they have finished treatments where you are pampered, massaged, given all kinds of different healing tools, fed gourmet healthy food, can swim, walk in the woods, meet other women.

I just got back from my own experience there and I am CHANGED! Cancer breaks us and then we have to go on as if it never did that. This place is run by grants by professionals, by people who give, ALL of them volunteering. It offers women ways to let the experiences release from us so we can heal our hearts and lives on the deepest levels.

(AND, BTW, althought this retreat is not geared towards our issues here, they seriously help women to learn to stop their "giving-giving-giving until they are depleted" behaviors and teach you how to "receive care" because you need and deserve to be on the receiving side. AND there were three of us there with kids out of orbit and it was VERY nice to find each other and also to be seen and  recognized and supported for our own light regardless of how dysfunctional any family member of ours might be behaving.)

I am a woman with many tools in my toolbox, but this was outstanding help that I needed. It was just so much kindness and so healing and so much FUN!

Check it out.

PS AND there are STILL OPENINGS FOR THIS SUMMER in July and August retreats!!!

Shayne

I have seen other free retreats like this elsewhere around the country - even Hawaii.......  I will seriously need this!!

justmejanis

Cheri I am so terribly sorry for your pain.  Sometimes it feels as if we will never be whole again.  I have had a lot of sadness in my life.  I do not say this to gain sympathy, it is merely the truth.  Mental illness has done so much damage to my family.  That is a mere part of it.  Life can be such a terrible struggle sometimes.  I have fought so hard to remain sane during some terribly tough times.  I hope you find the strength to search for joy in your life again.

Beckers I feel so badly for you and your son.  I understand where you are.  We do our best as mother's and yet when our children sink into their own sadness it is overwhelming.  I hope your son is able to overcome his drug problems and make a good life for himself.  My son attempted suicide at 16.  He will be 36 next month.  He has not been happy, or well, for many many years.  He is a brilliant, talented, and very tortured soul.  My heart never stops aching.  My fear he will die soon lingers all the time.  My brother committed suicide at age 34.  I remember so clearly my mother's shattered soul.  She never got over the loss of her beautiful first born child.  Just 11 years later she discovered she had lung cancer.  She refused any treatment and died within days of diagnosis.  I truly believe it was passive suicide.  She never got over losing him.  I remember my son as this beautiful, amazing happy little boy.  Those memories haunt me.  He is lost to me in many ways.  He has no joy, no reason to go on.  He merely exists.  He buries his sadness in a vodka bottle.  I don't know that person.

I am going through a very rough time right now.  So hard to explain, but I am glad I can come here and feel safe with all of you who are brave enough to put your raw emotions into words for others to see.  It makes us vulnerable, but it helps.

Love and big hugs to all.........

Janis

Shayne

(((hugs))) to you Janis.....I know your pain, god I know your pain.  My son wont even talk to me......not even after i sent him a letter and told him what Im going thru right now.  At least now, he is in therapy and sober - at the insistence of his wife.  For that Im grateful, but I wish he would talk to me.  Its been a few years now.  I try to talk to other people about it, my therapist even, but i just cant even talk about it.  I talk to my husband, and that helps......but he has no idea what it feels like.  So this is very therapeutic for me.  The thought of him living in anger and bitterness, let alone the drugs......just breaks my heart.....

thanks ladies!   

justmejanis

Shayne I am so sorry.  I do understand.  We live and breathe for our children and then they become lost.  My son and I speak, but infrequently.  He wants me to give up on him.  Of course I can't.  He has told me more than once he will never beat the alcohol.  He no longer even tries.  He lives a sad, lonely isolated life.  Every day I fear I will get that call....

Shayne I so hope your son will communicate with you again one day.  How sad that he has closed that door.  I know how hard it is.  I really wish we lived close.  We could go have coffee and talk!  I guess this will have to do.  I am glad we can express our feelings honestly. 

Cherilynn64

Beckers, I feel the same way. I see these brave women (and men!) who are Stage 4, and they are married and with kids and all.....and I'm like, I have no one, why did God spare me? So I'm at the same time grateful, guilty, and puzzled.

Janis (and I have a very dear friend in British Columbia who spells her name that way!) - I cannot believe you went through what you have with your brother and your son. And I understand now what your mother went through.....before cancer I would have questioned why she refused treatment, now I don't. Mental illness is so tough because there is nothing physical to see, but the inner part is just as broken as a broken leg - whether it's the person we care for or for what we are going through due to how they are. My former friend sounds like your son - he is incredibly talented and smart, but he's been a tortured soul all of his life. And when I walked away after finding out all the lies, I tried to reconcile, but by "abandoning" him in his personality disorder mind, I became dead to him. I tried reconciliation one last time in January when I got the cancer diagnosis. Even after hearing about me having breast cancer, not one word from him. He literally does not know if I am dead or alive right now. But in his mind I was already dead to him. 

I pray your son somehow can get some help some day.......it's so hard when you know how mentally messed up they are and you ache to help them....and they either won't take your help or don't see why they need it.

Cheri 

Cheri 

SAB

Janis, Shayne,Cheri, your children know you are there, even though they cannot reach out right now.  Bless all of you for your strength and for your ability to love through these very dificult circumstances.  

I know I have said it before, but I will repeat it again.  My DD told me that even in her darkest times, when she rejected me completely she knew that I was there and that it helped give her strength. Things change in a moment, and there's always hope.  Of course, it has to be their change and that does feel powerless, I know.  My love to each of you going through this struggle.  

Beckers

How's everyone? Just checking in. I took my grand baby to the jail last night for her first visit with her daddy. My son's been incarcerated since last Nov. The dads got to play on playground, had wagons, tricycles, balls, snack time, painted pics with their little ones. There was so much laughter, happiness, and smiles on that play yard. Here these tough inmates were walking around holding sippy cups acting like kids. (we could catch glimpses through the fencing) They were supervised by social workers and after the kids were returned to us waiting in parking lot, you could see the dads all using their t-shirts to wipe the tears off their faces. Wouldn't you think that would be enough to keep you sober and on the straight and narrow???

justmejanis

SAB, I thank you for passing out hope to all of us.  I am in such a sad place with my son.  Trying to reach him by phone, but he has not returned my calls.  This does not mean he is necessarily in danger, but it is always worrisome.  Chances are he is in the middle of one of his long and frequent benders.  In these cases he just drinks and drinks for days on end.  I do worry he will fall and kill himself, or start a fire (which he has done before) from smoking.  Or choke on his vomit...all these things run through my head.  I know what this heavy alcohol consumption has done to his body, and I don't know how much more it can take.  I hate it when he doesn't return my calls like this.  He stays at my ex DH's house, but ex lives with his girlfriend so is rarely at his own place.  They live way out of town, very isolated.  My ex has told me sometimes he just stops at his house to see if Ryan still has a pulse.  How sad.

Beckers, what a bittersweet visit that must have been.  How terribly sad for everyone involved.  I thought that Ryan had hit rock bottom more than once, and that some of the things he has been though would be his defining moment.  No such luck.  He has a ten year old son he rarely sees by his own choice.  He says Wesley is better off not knowing him.  That always makes my heart just ache so deeply.  I wonder what it will take to make them want to straighten up, if ever.  I am not trying to give up on my son, but he does not try.  He does not care to try.  He has given up.  Honestly I think he is just waiting for the alcohol to take him.

Let us all have a better tomorrow........I know we never give up hope.  How can we as mothers?

Beckers

Janis - In the beginning, I asked the professionals for advice and I kept hearing about tough love. It is just not natural for us as mothers. Everyone was so unhappy that my son was upsetting me so and it caused problems in my marriage. I remember telling them that I have to be able to live with myself if someday I am faced with standing over my sons casket. The stress is likened to what soldiers experience on the battlefield I was once told. Can God intervene? I believe so. I hope so. I have actually prayed my son into jail 3 times. Worked like a charm! As long as he's alive there is hope. I can empathize with you. I will pray for you and Ryan.

justmejanis

Beckers, I thank you for that.  I just wish Ryan could experience joy again.  Maybe then he would try.  Just try.