The Connection of Cancer and Troubled/Addicted Loved Ones

Beckers

Wish we all could go on one of those retreats. Hawaii would be fabulous wouldn't it? :-)

Cherilynn64

SAB I don't have any children, so I'm in a different place than the others. I can't imagine how they feel. It must be incredibly hard 

Cheri 

justmejanis

Cheri, you don't have to have children.  You lost a friend to mental illness, a person you clearly loved very much.  Your pain is very real and you do understand the depth of pain we all feel.  A loved one doesn't have to be a blood relative.  Everyone has different experiences but clearly your suffering is very deep.  It bonds us.  My heart breaks for everyone who has been affected by mental illness.  Watching our loved ones suffer from the devastation of mental illness is so painful.  You are no exception Sweetie.  I can tell from your posts how much your friend meant to you.  Him cutting you out of his life forever is truly tragic.  I am sure you were a rock for him and a warm and positive influence.  Maybe someday he will remember all the good and reach out.  If not, know that this is not your fault.  People who are mentally ill often make choices that make no sense to us.

truebff

((((Beckers)))))

Beckers

Thank you for the hug BFF!!!!! You girls are awesome. Yes Cheri what it does to us is the same. Dealing with mental illness. I do patient care at my job and I am more physically tired when I deal with psyche issues over having to lift a 150 lb. Person. Drug addiction, mental health, same thing. Borderline personality is soooo difficult to deal with!!! You lose yourself just the same. My heart goes out to you.....to all of us. The Hawaii retreat I tell you!

Nel138281

This is an amazing thread.  I just found it and have only read thru some of the stories.  What strength is here. 

 I don't blame my son, but do believe stress has an imapct and his addiction and how I managed the stress accompanying it was just one in a list of stressors.  My son is 18.5.  At 16 he went to a wilderness program for 8 weeks,NH in the dead of winter.  Then on to a therapeutic boarding school for 18 months finishing in May 2011.  He spent the last year at a small boarding school, with much support,  catching up to graduate from high school.  He is doing amazingly well, tho he is not 100% clean.  He has done well inschool, has a great summer job and just all around more responsible.  I continue to worry, but he has the tools and needs to make his choices now.  He knows we love and support him, but also knows the well has been tapped dry, including a college fund. 

Taking care of myself so that I am here for him and the rest of my family.

Gentle day

Nel

Cherilynn64

Janis, thank you - he was like my brother, closer to me than my real brother, he was what I thought was my closest and dearest friend and family, and it was years of lies due to me not knowing he probably has BPD. I wish so much I had known anything about these personality disorders before I had to walk away, and now I know I truly am dead to him in his mind. He will never come back in my life. I wish I could get him help, but I don't think he will ever reach out to anyone for that, esp not me. 

Beckers, I agree - dealing with someone with psych issues is often harder than physical issues. The mental anguish they can cause you is exhausting, and plus you can't "see" mental ilness, they can't tell you "where it hurts" and you can't put a bandaid on it. Hawaii retreat it is!!!

Nel, I hope your son can finally get to the point where he's 100% clean and can make his life a success. I think we all pray for that for him and the others on here who are having these similar problems. Best of luck to you....I so hope things turn out well.

Cheri 

Beckers

Nel, it sounds like it was such a good thing that you took action when your son was 16. I found out about the drug use when my son was 18. He's had over $100,000 of drug rehab. But...now has a criminal record. College would be icing on the cake. The fact that your son is showing signs of being a functional member of society is so awesome. Maybe you caught it early.

SAB

Cheri, my apologies, and my hugs too.

Cherilynn64

SAB, absolutely NO apology needed. I just wanted you to know in case you were wondering in the future "she never talks about her children" - don't have any, LOL, that's why 

But thank you for the hug - you all are so helpful to talk with. I have tried in vain to find a support group for what I am going through and there just isn't any. I may start one! But for right now you all are the best medicine b/c you understand both the cancer part of our lives and the mental illness part of our lives. I'm so glad you all are here!

Cheri 

Beckers

I am so glad too. It's like we have this breast cancer rocking our world. Then I don't know about you, but the fact that I am 45 with 2 primary cancers and no genetic explanation leads me to wonder if the high level of stress involved in the roller coaster ride of my sons addiction (mental illness) has played a factor. It is comforting to have you all who understand what it's like to live in that emotional turmoil. Hopefully we will get emotionally stronger and learn to set boundaries and all in the process. Cancer is a huge wake up call isn't it?

truebff

I am astounded at the love in these posts. And determined to try to put light on it.

The anguish, the lost monies spent trying with all our resources to remedy the situation, the misunderstandings, the helplessness, the worry... all deplete us when we are faced with these kinds of situations.

What I have found -am finding- is that when it is not "our" dirty secret about our loved ones anymore, that we start to come out from under the guilt and the shame of it.

I have a loved one with problems. I still very very much love that person. But I did not create or bring on their problems. I used to believe that I was a total failure as a mother. I have blamed myself badly. I thought for years that she had anorexia. I paid for complete dental overhauls when I had no idea it was "meth mouth."

At my cancer retreat, I felt safe and just let it be part of the truth of my inner heart: We did this exercise with other survivors, pairing up and then changing partners a few times:

Without trying to fix it for us, one partner would just listen. The other partner would say: "If you really knew me..." and then fill in the blank.

I found that I was sharing BOTH the wonderful locked up parts of myself that  I want and need to share in this world AND that a fact of my life is I have a deeply troubled adult child. I just let it out. No judgement.It just is what it is, part of the truth inside me that you would know if you really knew me.

Not only was it releasing, it was healing. And in it, I found that two other AMAZING brilliant beautiful women at this retreat were also going through the same things. That's three of us (at least) out of a group of 18 cancer survivors.

One of the women was so upset that she had so much anger. She didn't want to be angry. But there it was. And all locked up inside her and hurting her. She had done so very much for her two severely mentally ill adopted children who had gone completely out of control. But by the end of the retreat, she looked like she dropped ten years off her age and beautiful, no longer strained and strangled. WOW.

The BEST part of this exercise for me was in that I discovered I was holding back my heart and light as well as my anguish and sorrow. And in letting them come to the surface, that which isn't really me is released and that which is is shared.

We are not alone. Let the light up.

justmejanis

Nell, I am happy you found a safe place to talk about your son.  He is young and it sounds as if he is full of promise.  I am so happy to hear that he is doing so well.  You surely have seen to it that he is getting excellent care.  Please come and tell us more about him anytime, and your feelings during such a difficult struggle.  Stress has taken a huge toll on so many of us.

Cheri I know how much you invested in your friend and his ultimate betrayl of you is a bitter pill to swallow.  I know it is difficult and know you can safely vent here, always. This group is small so far but filled with love and compassion.

Becker I agree, cancer is a big wake up call and we do being to reevaluate so much of our lives during this time.  I know the struggle with your son has taken a heavy toll.  The frustration of trying to help someone who resists that is so tough.

Truebuff thank you for your thoughtful post.  The blame game gets us nowhere, but I know there is not a person here who has not asked "what if' question thousands of times.  My family's gene pool is simply tragic.  On my dad's side there is so much sadness.  His mom was not quite right ever.  Looking back now, what was dismissed as 'odd' behavior on her part was likely something far more sisinster.  Her sister, my great aunt, was a stunning woman struck down in her 20's by what was likely schizophrenia.  My dad's memories were simply that she was his crazy aunt.  She was institutionalized very young, in her 20's, and died in one of those wretched places.  My 'Nana", dad's mom........I suspect knowing what I know now she definitely suffered from paranoia but I am not sure what else was going on .  She was not interested in being a grandmother, we had to call her nana.  We never lived real close, she was very beautiful, very vain, and a very cold woman.  I vaguely remember being in a restaurant with her and our family and her many comments about people were staring at us, watching us...odd things.  Plus she embarassed my dad by stealing things off the tabld like salt and pepper shakers.  My dad had one brother, Phil.  he was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 50.  Another very cold and odd man.  My dad is very bright, also very cold and often was a very cruel parent.  He also suffers from OCD among other things.  Phil's only child, my cousin Patti, lives in another world completely.  Very intelligent and sweet girl (well, 50 now) My sister and I think she may live in a group home.  Poor thing, talk about delusions.  She has been (in her head) engaged to Shepherd Smith twice and numerous high profile actors.  Shepherd stalks her, bugs her phones, taps into her computers, and she has to live a life in hiding.  So sad, she was always so sweet.  Her mom protected her for years but since she passed and obviously stopped taking meds, she is back in fantasy land.

On my mom's side of the family I came from a line of strong strong women with a lot of resiliance.  One great aunt though had a son with a really serious problem.  Not sure his diagnosis.  He was in law school, a member of Mensa.  My mom adored her Uncle Glenn and he gave her away at her wedding.  Shortly after for whatever reason Malcolm decided to murder both of his parents.  Glenn came home first and he shot and killed him.  Apparently sometimes after this he felt bad and called the police and turned himself in.  He spent I believe 25 years in Vacaville in California, a mental facility for the criminally insane.  He was released, and i met him for the first time at 17.  He was odd, but had just been released.  Later he got cancer and died.  My mom and her mom went to clean up his apartment and found strange things in his apartment...a lot of suits and clothes in his closet that had been slashed and I can't remember what else but i do know he was definitely unraveling.

Then my own family.  My beloved brother Rich and I were just 16 months apart.  My then DH was a geologist and we moved a lot so I never lived near my family again.  Rich dealt with serious depression.  Brother Phil was a drug addict from a young age.  In 1986  Uncle Phil committed suicide.  Eight month later the stunning news that my brother did.  There are no words.  Brother Phil was a lifelong heroin addict.  Later my own son suffered terribly.  He went from a bight, talented happy young boy to a suicide attempt at 16 and a life of darkness and alcohol.  I don't even know how many suicide attempts anymore.  My younger son Adam has disowned him, he hates him and is deeply ashamed.  Adam recently has been diagnosed bi-polar, but he is highly successful and obviously high functioning with a very demanding career (he is a geologist for an oil company in Denver).  The strife in my family is so tough.  I do not live near either of my sons, having been forced to move to Idaho two years ago due to my DH's poor health.  Adam is very bitter about Ryan who does not work and lives at this father's house.  It just creates so many problems.   Ryan is a severe alcoholic with a death wish basically.  I live in terror he will drink himself to death, his goal really.  I can't fix this, not the fractured relationship between my sons. 

Sorry to rant for so long.  I know each and every one are suffering too.  I hope we can help one another through the difficult times these illnesses and addictions.  I wish i could take all the pain away for all of you.

Love and healing strength ladies. 

Janis

Beckers

BFF - that retreat sounds so amazing. I want to reread your post and apply it. I think we all can relate to the feelings of failure. It has been so hard for me to keep functioning with what has been going on with my son. I would be at work, in the medical field no less, and people would not believe if they knew some of what I've gone through with this kid. Pawning my things because he was telling me the drug dealer was going to kill him and I believed this crazy stuff!!! Being called home because he is passed out in front yard. Having police search my home and me almost getting arrested because I lied about which room was my sons. I could go on for days!!!



Janis - it sounds like you have had far more than your share. I know we are in healing mode right now but I firmly believe something good can come of it when the time is right. We can use our "mess for our ministry" and help others. I hope so much for miracles for all of our loved ones. It would be so nice. Meanwhile, if we can keep our wits about us huh?

Beckers

BFF - that retreat sounds so amazing. I want to reread your post and apply it. I think we all can relate to the feelings of failure. It has been so hard for me to keep functioning with what has been going on with my son. I would be at work, in the medical field no less, and people would not believe if they knew some of what I've gone through with this kid. Pawning my things because he was telling me the drug dealer was going to kill him and I believed this crazy stuff!!! Being called home because he is passed out in front yard. Having police search my home and me almost getting arrested because I lied about which room was my sons. I could go on for days!!!



Janis - it sounds like you have had far more than your share. I know we are in healing mode right now but I firmly believe something good can come of it when the time is right. We can use our "mess for our ministry" and help others. I hope so much for miracles for all of our loved ones. It would be so nice. Meanwhile, if we can keep our wits about us huh?

Nel138281

Beckers,

Thank you for the kind words about the situation with my son.  Hopefully he continues to grow and mature.  I fully understand trying to work and maintain some semblance of normalcy with chaos going on around you.  I too could go for days.  Just wish we couldn't

Gentle evening

Nel

truebff

I've really been having a hard time with our adult daughter. I feel so guilty. She came to stay here in a transitional way that  turned into open-ended stay with a lot of confusion.

We were trying to get her into a wonderful program where she would be sponsored and learn to work and be mentored for as long as it took, even up to two years, to become independent and proud of herself at last. I was so hopeful. This was a very hard program to find for her and a real opportunity.

She was so good to see again. We spent two days with our family feeling knitted back together. Then it all went downhill. She showed no enthusiasm and even helped to passively-aggressively get disqualified on the living situation she needed to enter the program. She then began to veg in the basement and then go out and disappear and lie.  We believed she might be doing illegal things. The house started feeling unsafe. Finally, we confronted her and she got really angry and aggresive and abusive to me. We had to put her in the car and drive her across the state and take her back to the last town she was living in yesterday because everything just escalated and deteriated.

I think I should be stronger. I love her so much. But I need my life to be healthy. But I still feel ashamed of myself for not being stronger or more able to help her. Another "mom" took her in. I am very grateful for that more street-wise woman being so big hearted and able. But I've had cancer and I cannot deal with abusive behavior and I was supposed to be celebrating the very BIG news this week that my ultra-sound is clear after 14 months.

Instead, we feel all beat up, worried, and punished.

When I was a littel girl, I wanted to be a swan. I wanted my daughter to be a swan too. But I think she really wants to be a turnip and I don't know anything, anything about turnips.

Rough moment for me and my broken momma-heart.

Shayne

You did somethng that takes much more strength - you took care of YOURself!  Maybe you are not the one who is to help her..... or maybe she isnt ready for help.  Whatever it is, you are much to close to this to see it.  Dont be so hard on yourself mama - Ive been there too......god, i know your pain well.  I cant even imagine dealing with this after cancer.  Right now my son is sober, but not speaking to me.  The alternative is far worse.  Sometimes what we dream for our kids, is not their reality.  We just have to let that go and accept her, love her, and pray for her.  

 ON another side note - i read this interesting article a few weeks ago on stress being related to deficiency in Vit D - which is a link to cancer, esp breast cancer.   

Take care of yourselves mamas and women out there........be strong! 

truebff

Thanks Shayne,

I am having such a hard time with this. I got all worked up after being her only contact and coach for the last five months moving towards this with so much hope and promise and spending money and time investments.

The old "you can lead a horse (turnip) to water, but you can't make it drink (or want to be a swan)" applies again. Sigh.

Shayne

It must be so discouraging.......but she'll get there......

summergirl1

Hello Ladies, so happy to have found this forum, I have been really struggling and although I havent read all the posts I can see others have similar issues , so I dont feel so alone, (where to start) wow I could probably write a novel LOL, but a short version, My husband is an achoholic and has caused me so much pain over the years with his drinking, not physically but mentally, the worst was 5 yrs ago when after 23 yrs together I found out he was having an 2 yr affair with a girl my daughters age (21) this broke my heart but he pleaded with me to take him back which I did reluctently but things improved greatly and the drinking eased and I was finally happy and confident again , but then I was dx with ILC in May 2011,he was fantastic throughout my tx, but it all really took its toil on him and now things are going back to how they where the drinking the lies etc,  I dont know how to handle it as my self esteem is completely on the floor due to losing my breast and my hair , I am so down at the moment I just want to cry all the time and I hate talking to my family as they were all so proud of him the way he cared for me when I was sick but I dont know how much more I can take I have tried talking to him but it doesnt work he just says Im nagging at him. theres so much more I could add ( the effects its had on my kids etc) but dont want to bore you all,  but its so nice to be able to get this off my chest before I explode , thxs guys 

Shayne

oh Summergirl.......Im so sorry!  I dont know what to say.......but we are here for you - and your story could never be boring.  (((HUGS)))

summergirl1

Thanks Shayne I am also dealing with my adult daughter who is starting down the same path as him drinking every night and I feel like its all my fault, if only I had the strength to leave him a long time ago but he is such a jeckel and hyde , others think he is wonderful and dont understand why I would be unhappy with him  but they dont see what goes on behind closed doors, luckily my 18yr old does not like to drink he does NOT want to be like his dad , its just so nice to be able to write this stuff down and not be judged I feel like I am hiding huge secrets from my family and I really feel as some have mentioned the huge stress I have been under for many years has played a big part in my cancer dx , 

Shayne

Unfortunately - you are probably right about the stress & cancer.  

Take care of yourself first.  Dont know if you've tried going to Al-anon meetings, but I hear they can be helpful.  

Just noticed you are in Ireland.  My sister is going there on holiday on the 9th.  Wish I could go, it looks so beautiful and has always been one of the places I want to see! 

SAB

summergirl, you have been through a lot.  Not much I can do but send you a (((hug))) and tell you that we are here when you need to vent.  Take care of yourself so that when your girl is ready you are strong enough to help. Al-anon is a great suggestion, they will give you tools.

truebff

Summergirl, we hold you in our hearts.

justmejanis

truebff I am truly sorry about your struggles with your daughter.  I am glad though that you took a tough stance and realized that you have to take care of YOU.  There are definitely no easy answers.  Your pain is heartbreaking to me as I have been there.  When does this get easy?  I am going through a crisis now with my niece Renee.  Our family is so heavily blessed with suicide/mental illness.  Very few have escaped unscathed.  My son as you know suffers from crippling depression and alcoholism.  I fear Renee is bi-polar.  She clearly needs help.  It is a mess.

summergirl whoa!  You have so much on your plate right now.  I am glad you found a safe place to vent here.  I have never gone to Alanon but have heard a lot of good things about it.  Sab is right and it might be an avenue you wish to pursue.  Alcoholism runs in my family as well.  I am so sorry that you are delaing with both an alcoholic husband and now possibly your daughter.  We want so much to protect our kids from all the demons in the world..to enclose them in a bubble and keep them forever safe.  All too oftens the real demons are within.  Sadly we can't protect them from themselves.  I absolutely understand what all you ladies are going through.

Shayne your situation is frustrating as well.  I am sure you are happy your son is sobeer, but not speaking to you is such a shame.  I really feel badly for you.  I had a situation with my youngest son earlier this year.  He is highly successful, lives in another state.  He looks down on me and this breaks my heart.  I can't fix that either.  He informed me that he prefers to surround himself with successful people who are positive.  My DH had to take early retirement (SS at 66) and I have been unable to find work.  Our income is tiny, but we survive on a very limited budget.  We are unable to do Christmas or birthday gifts, but I always send a card.  My DH is not his father.  His father is well off of course and equally successful.  It hurts me that he judges me so harshly.  We pay our bills and still maintain a high credit score, but he expects more apparently.  It is hard and our relationship is cooler than it has evder been.

I have come to the conclusion that there are so many things we cannot fix.  We have to learn to be a lot easier on ourselves!  I am sure you are all wonderful moms...imperfect, but who isn't?  Our children clearly chose their own path.  We did our best and have to learn to give ourselves more credit.  I doubt any of our kids ever grew up feeling unloved. 

I really feel your pain but am glad that we can take steps to help oursleves.  Ladies, do something special for YOU.  Even if it is nothing more than a nice warm bath with a good book...enjoy some special quiet time. 

Love and hugs to all! 

Janis

Shayne

lots of different stories.......but a similar running theme.....

 I think the one true joy in my life is my 11 yr old daughter.  She is aware that my son has hurt me, and wont speak to me.  She is the exact opposite of my son.....loving and caring, happy.......just a pure light in my life.  They are 23 years apart - and im grateful that I had a chance to do motherhood right the 2nd time.  I was widowed at a very young age, my son was 2yrs old......so its a much different experience for me this time around.  I think this also makes my son v angry as he has said my daughter is having the childhood HE should have had......oh brother.... 

 I also have 2 grandchildren that he wont let me see either, that i send birthday and xmas gifts too - and they are now asking about me.  His partner emails me updates on the kids and on my son, very thankful for that. But it hurts me that they dont know me and I dont really know them.  

More than losing my first husband, more than even cancer.......the hardship with my son is by far the worst thing I have experienced in my life........absolutely.  Nothing has broken my heart more. 

justmejanis

Shayne,

I am so sorry about the disconnect with your son.  He is trying hard to lay a guilt trip on you, isn't he?  It is hardly fair to compare his childhood to your daughter's.  I can imagine what a tough road you had being widowed so young and raising a young child.  That had to have been heartbreaking.  But you know what?  You have a right to be happy!  He should be glad that after such struggles you finally have settled down, found joy once again.  It does not take anything away from him.  It is really sad as he is not just hurting you, but hurting HIS children by depriving them of the opportunity to know their grandmother.  It is too bad he cannot come to terms with his anger and resentment.  I hope that some day he can see this.  In the meantime...sending you hugs.

Shayne

Thanks justmejanis!  He is in therapy.  I know he was upset to hear about my DX.....but yet he still didnt call me.  He instead blames me for everything that is wrong in his life, even tho I havent been around him in 15 years.  We live in different states, and sometimes I think its a blessing.  He used to call me with such hateful words.....  breathe.......  He's 35, you would think he would grow up.  

Im glad I have these boards.  I cannot talk about my son in the real world.  Ive tried to discuss it in therapy, and all I do is cry.  Its very very painful.  I thought maybe my DX would snap him out of it.  Man, cancer isnt good for anything is it?  LOL.  

thx for listening.  It helps me tremendously to talk about it