The Connection of Cancer and Troubled/Addicted Loved Ones

Shayne

I understand.

Sometimes I think about that day coming.  I almost expect it.  Somehow I think its my heart trying to prepare myself for it, because I know its inevitable......no matter what kind of hope I  have.  Its not that Ive lost hope, its just that Im so afraid of what that loss will do to me.  Its like anticipating the pain.  MOst days, i try not to think of him at all, except for when I wake up and send him love......and clarity.

truebff

The thing about a loved one who keeps going to the edge is that at some point, you realize you have no control over that they do that. So the question is how does a parent draw a line? Can they?

One person said that they held a "memorial service" for an addicted friend who was not dead to bring the point home.

Loving someone, you just want to do everything/anything you can to save them.

It is very hard feeling so helpless when you are hardwired to protect your child. I get so mad, so frightened, so worried, so worn out, so depressed.

I guess the best advice I've had was to pray and to know God is with her always.

I just wish wish wish she would step away from that crazy edge.

justmejanis

Oh Truebuff, Shayne.  How I wish I couldn't relate.  I live with the fear every day.  Ryan has to go to jail or rehab.  he sees the judge on Wednesday.  This is his second DUI.  I wish with all my heart he would get help, get on anti depressants he so desperately needs.  Then there is my 19 year old niece, struggling with her recent diagnosis and not doing well.  Gifted, talented, and so tortured.

Truebuff I am so sorry for your pain.  I know the grief you feel for the loss of everything your daughter could be.  It is so heartbreaking and she is on a fragile precipace always.  I wish i had healing words, but always offer hugs and any support you need. 

Shayne, seems you are in the abyss as well.  Being the parent is the hardest job in the world.  I always feel like I have to sleep with one eye/ear open.  I so dread the call I fear the most.  I remember how helpless I felt when I got the call my brother had killed himself.  My mom was an RN and working draveyard shifts at the time.  She came home and shut her phone off so she could sleep.  I tried many times to call her that day, dreading having to be the one to tell her.  In the end my SIL and Mom's best friend went to break the news in person.  It was such a relief, I did not want to be the one to tell her.  Mom said the second she saw them at her door she knew.  We always know don't we?

Wishing you peace, love, and the strength to endure.

Shayne

hey - just having this thread to talk to other mothers who know exactly what its like......I havent been able to share with any of my friends.  My husband, yes.....but no other women.  Unless youve been thru it, there is no explaining the tough love, the guilt, the fear.......and the pain.....  there are just no words.  Most of the time I just put it out of my head.  But its always there......thinking im going to get a phone call, hell, I know Im going to get that call some day.  I just try not to let it run my life.  I think all that worrying was stored in my body and turned to cancer.....and I just cant let that happen again.  Ive got my daugher to raise and my life to live......

love to all you ladies tonight.  Im thinking of you and your children

MrsH

Such an interesting thread... I feel for all of you and with 2 small kids, I cannot imagine what a lot of you are going through watching your adult children suffer. My situation is the reverse, growing up with addicted parents, my step-father the alcoholic that my mother pretended was not - nothing was ever good enough for him, and my mother the co-dependent martyr who took care of everyone to a fault. After he left my mother for his food sponsor in his over-eaters anonymous program (after 26 years together, a woman he'd known for three weeks) she married again (#4, at age 60) and picked not only an alcoholic, but also a drug addict. She is now alone and an alcoholic herself. I was always nice and gracious to her because if she was ever mean to me, which was often, it would never be because it was something I did or said. I haven't spoken to her for a year. After her last visit, she was so mean to me, I finally decided I'd had enough, but it was too late. When I got my Dx, I was floored. Why me, and not her, the bitter angry woman who blamed everyone and the world for her bad choices? I still haven't told her, don't know why I should. She's not helpful and will just try to tell me what she thinks I should do. When there are so many decisions to make, that will not be helpful to me. My friends who know the situation support me, but I keep reading about forgiveness and think somehow my survival depends on somehow making peace with her. But she is not rational, so it's not possible to have a rational conversation with her. She suffers from NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and everything is about her. Shayne, I read your early reply to this thread about having a closed heart chakra, I can relate to that... I've been doing yoga for almost 20 years, but I'm just now learning about the chakras and body energy. I feel like my recent surgery had cut off energy flow in that area. I'm worried that it will be more difficult to heal. I'm desperately searching for the right mindset. I'm glad I found this board, and this thread :-) XO

Shayne

meditation should help with that - opening up the chakras.  

My husband has the added thing of having his addicted sister - she lives in another state near his mom - who pays her mortgage and bills - she is married to an addict.  ITs a constant roller coaster.  This past xmas, we wanted to stay here because I didnt feel up to traveling, and his mom said "well your sisters had a real hard year...."  !! Excuse me?  what about us dealing with my diagnosis.....  His sister is 45.  My daughter is the only g-child.  IT really unnerved my husband because its been a lifelong thing with her getting attention for her negative lifestyle.  His mom is enabling this situation on top of it.  But - we have to let it go and get on with it - as we have all learned dealing with cancer - as well as dealing with the disease of addiction.  We ended up having a lovely quiet xmas all to ourselves, no family, but it was great......

yikes - guess i just unloaded.........

truebff

I love and so need this thread. Thank you ALL you ladies. So very sorry we have this anguish  together, but also so grateful that we have each other's love and support. Thank God.

I finally heard from my daugher but I don't know how to read her message: she is on a soul recovery journey, and I am soooooo glad, but where???? and the note describes her darkness and I am still so fragile for her. I try to trust God whose Hands she is really in. And I so wish wish wish I could help.

Thank you all for your Love.

justmejanis

 Mother H.....I feel so badly for you not having a relationship with your mother.  She sounds like my dad, although he has no addiction issues.  He is very selfish and always has been.  I lost my mom to cancer in 1999 and I miss her every day.  She would have been devastated about my diagnosis, but she was an RN and would know much about it.  Big hugs and healing energy to you.  I am so grateful to be in this boat with such compassionate passengers.

Shayne, you are so right.  You have a daughter to raise and your own life to live.  Sometimes it is really tough to put ourselves first.  I hate that you have to suffer but at least you aren't allowing the fear and pain suffocate you.  Unloading here is so helpful.

Truebuff.....my heart aches for you.  I can't imagine not knowing where my child is.  Ryan is living with my ex DH and is safe, unless he drinks.  He told me a few years ago that he always hoped he could just drink enough to not wake up.  Such terrible words for a mother to hear. 

If anyone is interested and can do it, my precious niece has had a book published on Amazon.  I don't have the link to it but you can find it easily.  She is hoping to get more sales.  I think it is $7.95.  It is a very short book as she describes her descent into madness.  She had no clue she was bi-polar.  She is just 19 and so talented, she has always loved to write.  Anyway there are a few books with the same title.  It is called "I Choose Life" and her name is Renee Hughes.  Her description of this illness is haunting.

Wishing everyone a worry free and painless day.  Love and hugs to all. 

Shayne

Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Choose-Life-Journey-Bipolar-Disorder/dp/148106181X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1361294007&sr=8-7

justmejanis

Thank you Shayne!  Much appreciated. 

justmejanis

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/reneehug28/1128439/

This is Renee's latest short story.  You can see her anguish.  Please keep her in your prayers, positive thoughts.  Thanks!

Shayne

Hi ladies.  Well, I heard from my son the other day.  I could tell he was really nervous to talk to me.  He asked that I have my husband call him (his stepfather), which he did.  Theyve had a few conversations since.  He found out he is 4 months sober, going to church, living in the homeless shelter, has a job....and wants to intern with a tatto artist.  He sounded good.....he always does when he is sober.  He also sounded like he has done some therapy and some work, does not sound angry.  He asked my husband for money (we've never given him money) to start his internship, to buy the equipment he needs.  Not a lot of money.  Right now he is at the lowest.  He has very few friends, has left all his addict friends behind and only has sober friends he says.  Its so hard to know if this time he means it - we all want it to be true.  Im sure lots of you have been where I am right now.  I do have a dear friend who has known my son since he was a young boy, and he lives nearby and said he would call and check in on him.  So kind of in a holding pattern right now.  Weird place to be.  Anyway, im just glad he is sober and working on things.  He told my husband he wants a relationship with me, but he isnt ready yet - still dealing and working thru emotional stuff in therapy - which to me sounds like the first honest thing he has said about the subject in years.  Waivering between having my hopes up, and being relieved that he is still alive.  Most of the time I think Im going to get a phone call that they found his body somewhere......  ANyway, wanted to share the news, and thought maybe some of you might have some insight or words for me.  HOpe you all are doing well......blessings

justmejanis

Shayne I am always here and following your situation.  Of course I know all too well how difficult this is.  I have not heard from my son in several weeks.  Not knowing is always the worst.  Like you I worry a lot about that phone call.  My son is so fragile, and I feel so helpless.

I wish I had some great advice or words of wisdom for you.  I know it has to be a huge relief to know that he is safe at the moment, and sober as well.  If he is thinking about his future that is wonderful.  How old is he?  I hope that he can remain sober, and eventually reopen the doors of communication with you. 

I can listen, anytime.  PM me of you need to talk.  Sending big hugs your way. 

Shayne

He is 35 now.  

Im just glad he is sober.  And really, the best thing that happened was his girlfriend of 15 years kicked him out.  It was an enabling situation for him.  Now he has no choice but to get it together.  

I spend so much time trying to let go of expecations, hope.......that its hard for me to even cling to the little hope that I feel right now.  Just trying to visualize the best outcome - and saying little prayers.

justmejanis

Shayne I understand.  My son is almost 37.  His last DUI earned him a mandatory stint in a state run rehab facility.  TYhis will be his third time in rehad.  The past two times he began drinking shortly after getting out.

I'll keep your son in my thoughts/prayers.  I hope he can remain sober and find some much needed stability. 

edwards750

I can relate to several of you...in spades. I had a husband who was an alcoholic and didnt know it. He would drink but never really acted drunk. I didnt know much about alcoholism so I didnt realize he had a "problem." Fast forwarding to 2002 along with his depression issues my husband tried to end his life. He didnt succeed because he decided at the last minute he wanted to live. That decision as you can well imagine was a nightmare. Our youngest son was 11. We live in a small township so people heard the "story." He was in the Trauma Unit for months hanging on for dear life literally. Months of rehab and mounting dr bills and you can imagine life was really tough. Good news is he has been sober since 2002. Now son is 23 and having alcohol issues. He has 2 uncles who are alcoholics - on husbands side. Throw in the peer pressure and the fact he likes to drink and I am dealing with same song, 56th verse. I have been to Al Anon too. Husband and son have both been to AA meetings. Son quit drinking for awhile...like months. I know all to well the fear when the phone rings in the middle of the night. It is never good news. This same son is graduating from college in 2 months. He has a 4.0 and works as a server at Owen Brennans and makes really good money. He has saved almost 5k. This same person has been to rehab, made it through drug court, had at least 3 DWIs - one when he was 17. The second one he dodged it as a charge because the PD moved it to drug court so technically he doesnt have but 1 since he was 18. It would take pages and pages to list the "breaks" he has gotten and the humiliation and pain he has suffered and we have suffered. Financially, emotionally -  you name it we have been through it. I dont doubt for a sec that it has at least brought on BC. Stress and anxiety can cause all kinds of illnesses so matter how otherwise healthy you are. I dont require a lot of sleep and trust me I am not getting much. Husband is more laid back and while he worries he does it by sleeping....internally. I cant do that. I follow him via GPS knowing I cannot prevent him from doing something stupid. He has been blessed and I have told him he has a guardian angel because in spite of the bad things that have happened to him they could have been far worse. I just became numb to the latest fear. We have begged, pleaded, reprimanded, taken cars from him, grounded him and on and on. Bottom line is they have to do theirselves. I cant control his behavior. He wants to drink so he is going to. He cant have a drink he has to get plastered. He is living at home until he graduates and maybe through grad school and while I want him to have enough money saved for a place I dread the day when he does. Maybe 2 more years of maturity will help or not. I know one thing I cannot continue on this emotional roller coaster. Something has to give. Talking to the dr about anti anxiety meds that dont interfere with Tamoxifen. Sorry to be so long winded but my heart goes out to you ladies dealing with a situation like this. You really have to go through to totally understand. I have friends suggesting this and that not the least of which is kick him out...not now. After he graduates we will see. I do pray a lot for God to watch over him. So far that has worked. Diane

justmejanis

Diane I am so sorry to hear this sad story.  You certainly have been through hell and back.  First your husband and now your son.  I just wish there were easy answers.  You know there aren't.  I think listening to other people's advice can be so difficult.  I mean, you have friends who have urged you to kick him out, but it simply isn't that easy.  Only you know the situation inside and out and your comfort level with it.  My brother lived with my mother until she died.  He was a lifelong heroin addict, but also a thief and he stole so much from her.  I never understood why she let him stay, but she would always tell me I would understand someday if it ever happened to one of my kids.  Of course it never would...mine were both educated, and going places.  Sadly my oldest is almost 37 and lives with his dad.  Ryan has two Bachelor's Degrees....one in Spanish and one in German.  He is bright and talented and gifted, yet so deeply troubled.  Depression has crippled him.  I worry about him all the time, so I understand that fear.

I can only hope that your son one days seeks the help he so urgently needs.  We cannot make this step for them.  I know what you mean about sleep.  It is not easy to sleep when we live with constant worry.  Ask for help if you need to Diane, there is no shame.  I currently take an anti-depressant and I also take meds to help me sleep.  I am such a poor sleeper as well and my anxiety does not help.

Special hugs to you.  I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. 

truebff

Dear Ladies,

I am just catching up on this thread again.  (I had computer troubles so was off-line for awhile.)

My heart goes out to all of you too.

Yes, again and again, these are all hard lines to draw in the sand for us. My husband and I could live with our daughter if she tried, but she not only didn't try, she disrupted the house, broke house rules, left on mysterious outings, broke laws. I/we could not live with criminal or disruptive behavior. My house has to be safe and legal.

And now, we pay the price, for she is exactly where some of our worst fears have lived. That is her choice. I cannot make the choice to change for her. I am  -slowly...how do you do this?-  trying to learn how to live with a hacked e-mail (she left me her password...) that tells me she is alive and continuing on the same path. I try to only look to see that she has made an entry several times a week, as proof that she is still alive, and do not read further (it will only make me feel more tortured). This is all I have of her right now.  She also no longer calls home at all. Not even on Easter.

I Pray. for her. I Pray for us.

But I was not built for this dark path of hers and it is like having a sea monster for a child. You can go to the shore, but not follow them in. You can't and you shouldn't. So I am trying -again and again- to see this as a very different spiritual path that some of these people have to go on. It is not my spiritual path. I am trying to be compassionate, and stay as open-hearted -and minded- as I can, but also not drown in the pain, and put one foot in front of the other back towards the LIFE my husband and I built. It is such a waste to stand forever perched upon the edge of a dark water waiting for them to return as if they could hear or respond to your anguish. Eventually, you have to breathe in the air and life of your own world and try to reclaim it.  I know... "But that was my HEART that just went into those dark waters!!" and it is hard, hard work to know that you have no power to follow, nor to bring them back. You can only Pray and then bring the beauty of your own life back.

And, if they ever lift their heads out of their dark waters, they will see you and all you are to them. And, if they ever step foot into a recovery or healing or if they have found whatever it was they had to go into that underworld to get, if they come back, they will have done it. And what a day that will be!

I am so happy for anyone who gets that day. I Pray we will all eventually get that day!

In the meantime, much Love to all here. And please try, if you can, to remember who YOU are in the face of your loved ones' troubles.

-truebff

justmejanis

truebuf Thank you for your heart felt post.  I know how difficult this is for you.  I agree as parents we have to set boundaries and limits even when this means losing connection with them.  It is so hard to look back and remember the hope and the promise of a child we raised and our dreams for that child.  They of course have  their own dreams, but we always support those don't we?  Nobody wants  to grow up and be an addict.  When my son was in HS he was an honor roll student and gifted athlete.  We didn't ever push him, he set very high standards for himself and often exceeded them.  The depression stole him.  He refuses treatment for it and prefers to drown his sorrows in a bottle.  It breaks my heart for the loss of the man he could be, the loss of all his dreams.  Still he is the one who is ultimately responsible for his life and actions.  The sad part is he is so hard on himself...he knows that he put himself in this situation.  His only sibling, my youngest son, has disowned him.  He has so much anger toward Ryan for not making something of his life. 

It has transformed my life in such a profound way.  My younger son assures me there will never, ever be a holiday in my home that includes Ryan.  We all live in different states, but I dreamed on a warm and fuzzy holiday with both my sons there.  This breaks my heart.

Truebff, you have an amazing perspective on all this despite your own personal pain.  It is a loss, a very sad loss.  As mother's we never totally give up, do we?

Big hugs to you Sweetie!

twirlygirlmuse

I was married to a bipolar sex addict who ended up abusing me.  Reason for breast cancer?  Possibly.  No genetic pre-disposition.

justmejanis

Welcome twirly.  I think stress in itself can contribute, but a lot of reasons are unknown.  A small percentage of BC is heredity.  More of us get it with no genetic pre-disposition.  I have no idea what caused mine, there is no history in my family.  I guess I had to be the trailblazer.......

truebff

Thanks Janis, Together, we hold each other up. There is goodness in comfort,isn't there.

Thank you for yours.

We mothers need that comfort. It is too long that so many of us have suffered in silence. Or, for many of us, also even tried to take on the work and/or shame for the bad choices of our addicted/troubled loved ones.

We do so need to be reminded of our own good hearts, our dreams of good lives for the ones we love, the depth of our ablitity to participate in life.

justmejanis

truebff you are most welcome.  I know of course what kind of special hell you too have been through.  It is heartbreaking to do everything we do to raise our kids 'right' and the wires in their brains begin mis-firing, making us confused and frightened.  I know we share the same vision for their lives as they enter adulthood and begin to stand on their own.  It should be an exciting period for all of us.  Yes, we share a very common bond here and it sure helps to have someone to talk to about it.  You have to go through it to completely understand.  Your strength and grace in posting here shines.  It can be all about us for a change.  Thanks for your well thought out and very compelling posts.  I'll always check for more.

Big hugs to you my friend.  We are not alone. 

Sallyann

I'm midway through RT, get crying jags although I take 150 mg Effexor.

Separated from chronically sick husband (severe Crohn's Disease, Type 1 Diabetes, prostate cancer metastasized to bone cancer AND a 15-year methadone addict for pain.) I financially and emotionally supported this man for years because he was the father of my beloved son and watched stepson become institutionalized for alcoholism at age 15.

I took a vow nothing except a gun to my head would make me leave this man and became a ridiculous martyr when I could have moved on, found peace of mind, and even opened my heart to true love. I was an emotionally abused wife; he used his chronic illnesses as excuses to not work, not function, complain constantly of his bitterness at life, his physical pain, and then spend 18 hours a day in front of tv, dropping coffee on his laptop, drooling, never doing any exercise or attempt to make money from home, and stay high on large doses of methadone and opium, prescribed by doctors. 

We were evicted one day when I was 50 because husband didn't tell me he hadn't paid rent in 4 months. I could go on and on with the ridiculous abuse of this bum.

I finally left him dramatically one day when my son was accepted with a scholarship to get his MA in Theology. I put everything on Craigslist, sold everything, except my clothes, gave 2 beautiful antiques to my niece (who is wealthy), and drove my son out to CA where I lived for 2 years about 35 miles away. I just couldn't stand the thought of never seeing my son and having to stay for the rest of my life with a sick, embittered, unappreciative man.

The stepson I helped raise (he set a fire in his basement when the wife left him, i.e. he's psychotic) ignores me and is now a "psychology counselor" for troubled teens. Good. I need him like a hole in the head.

What makes me depressed is that my own son doesn't stand up to anybody on his father's side and say how dare you ignore my mother? I guess I'm asking for too much from a 28 yo who threatens to hang up on me on the phone because I ask for some compassion. He is coming to RT with me tomorrow and according to him, I should thank him  for doing that. VERY bad father. Maybe my son will grow up some day. It doesn't look good.

I lived for 30 years trying to be a wonderful, caring, financially supportive wife, stepmother, sister-in-law (actually I paid for everything) and my thanks is being told by my son that "Dad doesn't want your help anymore". Good, I'm done forever with that loser. No longer will I show compassion to my sick husband for the sake of my son.

Thanks for the rant. 

truebff

Sallyann, Wow it sounds like you could use a gigantic HUG!

RT is very very hard on a lot of us. Please be as especially gentle with yourself as you can through this. Probably leaving that man was a bigger leap of faith towards Life than even cancer treatments.

This is a good place to rant and also find your balance and your heart and let yourself take in Life again.

28 is still young. If he went into theology, maybe he is a gentle soul, and it may take time for him to find his own strength. I can imagine though, it would be so comforting to have someone else be strong for you at this moment especially. Maybe we can help you through. These forums are full of awesome women who understand way way too well, the depth of the things  in our hearts.

Warm Welcome Here.

truebff

Janis,

Thanks so much for your kind words and your friendship! You touch me deeply too.

justmejanis

Sallyann......you have been through so much, bless your heart.  I can't imagine having the strength to stay with a man like that....yet I get it too.  I hope that makes sense.  I stayed in my first marriage far too long.  My then DH could be very verbally abusive, and over the years I felt I had lost my very soul.  My youngest son is very successful and he largely ignored the BC.  He lives in another state and maybe the physical distance made it easier for him to be emotionally distant.  I finally sent him a long e-mail expressing my confusion at his seeming lack of support.  I had just undergone my thyroid surgery and he hadn't even bothered to call and check on me.  It really stung.  His reply was heartbreaking to me.  He told me that I had so many surgeries that he could not keep up because he was too busy.  OMG!  I was never sick a day in my life really before the cancer.  Maybe men have a harder time coping with this?  I wonder if they distance themselves because it is just too personal, not to mention scary.  Men process things so differently.  We have pretty much moved forward so it is getting better.  Still he never asks about my health when he calls.  Don't give up on your son.  I agree with truebff, he likely has a gentle soul.  I know it is hard not to take it personally, but give him some time.  He knows how much you cherished and sacrificed for him.  Hopefully he will soften in time and be better able to communicate with you.  Sending you a much needed giant hug. 

truebff I always look for your posts, and am so happy to see you posting here again.  I take breaks sometimes and then realize that I don't want to lose touch with the friends I have made here.  We are not only coping with cancer, but these fragile relationships we share with our troubled children.  I gather strength and support here, and the freedom to vent and be open and honest is cathartic.  Like you I have to live my life and make it the best for me, my husband, our fur family.  Still my heart is never far from my sons.  So much sadness, but we prevail.  I enjoy hearing from you, so let's plan on making sure we stay in touch.  Plenty of hugs your way my friend.

Shayne

I dont want to lose touch either.  its better than therapy coming here!

I think cancer has allowed me to let go of guilt, expectation, some of the sadness - surrounding my son.  Right now he is trying, really trying to get his life together.  Yea, he's been here before and im trying not to get my hopes up, but i do have hope.  he's talking to my husband every day, going to church, getting counseling, going to meetings twice a day......hes trying.  but realizing that the stress of him probably contributed to me getting cancer has made whatever is going on with him, past/present/future .....a little lighter in my heart.  I cant hold it in anymore.  cant hold on to it.  

the tragedies of boston yesterday makes everyone on a global level get it, the way we do.  we have to live in this moment, its so precious, and love is all that really matters

gonegirl

After I was diagnosed, one book I read talked about the link between chronic stress and a depressed immune system, saying that they often see caretakers or folks with severe trauma show up with cancer.  That sure was me.

In 2008 my mom had a major stroke and we had to take her off support. She was my best friend.

I was flying back and forth to Wisconsin to help my older sister settle my mother's estate.

2009 my beloved older sister almost died due to her food addiction. We thought she'd hit bottom. She hadn't.

By end of 2009 it was clear my own alcoholism was out of control and I went to Alcoholics Anonymous (thank God).

2010 a dear friend kills himself.

2011 my beloved sister dies due to her food addiction

2011, two months later, one of my best friend dies due to untreated cancer and food addiction.

2012 I am diagnosed with Stage IV HER2+ breast cancer.

With that kind of hellish goings on, who wouldn't get sick?

My sister's oldest son is an alcoholic and food addict.  I do my best to follow Alanon principles with him and tell him I love him, would help him get help, but won't help him die.

Meanwhile, I'm doing my best to limit my contact with hurtful family members (my brother, sister, and father).  They are not worth my life.  This is hard enough without idiots and a-holes.

I'm glad I found you all. We are all worth so much more.  I can't do a thing to save my nephew. I love him dearly. But as several of us have started saying, "He is a grown-a$$ed man, and he should be able to take care of himself."

Sigh. 

Hugs to all.

Susan

truebff

Welcome Gritgirl. With all that you've gone through, what may be most remarkable is how long you (or any of us) hold out until the weight topples over onto us!

I missread (just for a moment) one of the lines in your post, but thought it worthwhile to look at:

I -for just a flash of a moment- miss-read: "I love him dearly." as "I love him deadly."  Herein, for many of us, lies the distinguishing line:  How do we love our troubled loved ones dearly without losing our own lives? It is a fine line, an art.

For me, the most humbling part is that I can't do it for my loved one. I can be on this side of her recovery for her, (if/when she chooses to cross back over into Life), but even she doesn't want me to die for her. (And let's face it, as mothers, could we? would we? save our loved one and go in their place, many of us would NOT HESITATE. But that is not our choice. So, so humbling...)

I don't think it helps that society contributes to our sense of shame that we -wrongly and way too often- bear when we have a loved one who is addicted.

As odd as this may sound, when my loved one was finally arrested and charged with her bad behavior, it finally placed the crime on her and not on me (where I had been locating it - as a mother, how could I let this happen???  -even though it never happened on my watch- even though it happened only after she left home at eighteen.) And, although the grief continued, the shame of it somewhat lifted off of me. I didn't do this. I didn't want this. I did everything in my power to change this, correct this, avoid this from ever happening to my loved one.

I know, like many here, that  cancer was a very big wake-up call. I don't want to die! I don't want to be sick! I have to -even as my beloved child goes off choosing to be sick- choose life, my life at least. And it is NOT a turning away from loving her. But, if I don't have gills, how can I go into that swamp water? I can only stand on its edge and wait and pray for her to return to me.

It is a process, sometimes a repeating process, to try to learn how to choose different ways of loving our troubled loved ones, ways that also honor the health and beauty of our own lives and hold that up. For, after all, we can become beacons of light too, or beacons of choosing -or trying to choose- healthy life that they can locate in us when they are ready to find their way home.