The Connection of Cancer and Troubled/Addicted Loved Ones

evergreen9

Shane, I am so sorry this happened. Such a typical scenario though,have seen it frequently, and heard the stories, at open AA meetings. Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All you can say is, "If you want to turn the page, I am there for you".

Would it help you to go to an Alanon or an open AA meeting?

Shayne

You know......i went to one years and years ago......and i didnt like it.  It was a lot of whining.  But maybe I should try it again.  My son is 35.  I dont want to say that ive lost hope, that I dont believe he can change........but its starting to creep in.  HIs children are having a hard time with this......and I am so far away from them, I cannot do anyone any good.  Feel helpless, guilty.......keep thinking if I had been a better mother, maybe he would have turned out differently.  And that is so destructive.  really need to center myself and come to some positive place.  And pray for a miracle.......

Cherilynn64

Shayne, I'm sooo sorry.....wow, you have enough to deal with, you know? But the jail time MAY be what he needs. I will keep you in my prayers   {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}  Keep us posted....

Cheri

Beckers

Shane, I have to tell you a story. My son didn't want to give the police the name of a friend who was selling drugs. The police wanted to know where this guy was and my son said he didn't know. Sadly this guy died of an overdose. My son was telling me just today it probably would have saved his life if he had told them. I am so thankful my son did time. He went to prison for selling marijuana. But....wasn't the first offense. He was alive. And after many years, it appears he finally is on the right path. I wish you the peace of mind as you go through this.

Shayne

Thanks Beckers for sharing that......Im not a praying person, at least, I didnt use to be.  Its all ive been doing, praying for a miracle. 

evergreen9

Your son may be 35, but many, many folks are way older, and turn their lives around. Maybe a different alanon meeting will have a different "culture". My daughter says sometimes you have to try several different meeting locations before you find one you click with. Then you may not feel as alone, and may pick up some tips for how to handle your challenges?

truebff

Okay, HERE is a miracle. Read this amazing woman's article.

"BE HAPPY ANYWAY" (link below, somehow can't figure out how to put it here.)

(I know this is an astrology - woo-woo - site that sometimes has some very far-fetched writers and ideas, but also some nuggets of pure gold. And we womens -especially after having survived cancer and treatments and addicted loved ones- do know -and I trust this- how to sort out some of the stuff from the stuff.)

I was just with my therapist yesterday saying how how how do I shift out of the pain connection to my daughter? I mean, HOW??? As we all know, easier said than done (authentically anyway).

And then I read this article:  http://planetwaves.net/pagetwo/daily-astrology/be-happy-anyway/

It is amazing. And worth your ten-minutes to read.

Oh, and PS on the jail time, as soon as I learned my daughter was safe in jail (her for using and getting caught with it...again...) it was the safest I felt in ages. It was when she got out after 5 months that it all went crazy again. Jail can be time-out for them and relief for you too. And it is WAY better than dead. (Also much less crazy than you don't know and you can't change the situation and you are worried to the point of being sick over it... Please, ladies, we can NOT go there again.) (Only, word of caution, their being in jail may raise your hopes. Be careful. I over-invested ...again... in her finally getting it and the come down from that was hard hard hard.)

Shayne

yea, he is out......possession of pot doesnt mean much in California.....  I was counting on a few months of jail time = sober time.

Beckers

Darn Shayne. I hope something clicks for him. My son had a little more technical possession charge and priors. It was also before the changes due to overcrowding. Hang in here!!!

Shayne

His girlfriend told him he needs to find a place to live.  But let him back in.  What is upsetting is his daughter (12) wont speak to him, and his having health issues -they think an ulcer and something else.  Im a couple states away, wishing I could be there for them.  Who knows what will happen from here.  

justmejanis

Shayne I am so very sorry, and unfortunately I can relate.  My 36 year old son was in a one car accident last month.  He rolled his Dad's old Suburban and was trapped inside.  They got him out and arrested him right away.  He was very drunk.  His second DUI.  He goes to court next week.  He is actually spending Thanksgiving with us.  He will be here tonight in fact.  His dad always goes to Oregon for the holiday, his family all lives there.  My Dh and his girlfriend are driving this time.  Ryan has spent the past two Thanksgivings totally alone.  That breaks my heart so i am thrilled he will be here.  He will be here a whole week and i worry.  We have no alcohol in the house except cooking wine.  He won't have transportation so unless he brings his own liquor, he won't have any here.  I don't know how he will do.  He has told me many times that he does not believe he can beat the alcohol.  He says his body needs it.  So sad.

I am really sorry Shayne.  You were not a bad mother.  None of us were perfect.  I loved both my sons dearly and they knew that.  Don't beat yourself up please.  I know how difficult this is.  Nothing is easy.

I don't pray in any traditional sense either.  Still I will hold good thoughts close to my heart for your son.  His story just reminds me of Ryan.

Big hugs to you Shayne.  Hold on!

sandrav

Hi girls,

Funny to find this thread today, I am a licensed addiction counselor who has breast cancer and basically addiction, alcohol drugs have affected my whole life starting with the drunk driver who killed my father in 1964. I have been through 2 murders ( one including my mother ) and suicides, and I am in recovery myself for 7 years. 

I have a husband who copes by drinking, and I am watching him die. I have talked myself blue, but addicts won't change our behavior unless we get to a place where there is pain. Its much easier to sit in the mudd then it is to get out dry yourself off and change.

Once the brain changes the sub conscious, its there for the rest of our life but the conscious can keep many sober by staying out of the relapse mode and our minds focused on recovery.

Just like our breast cancer affects the whole family, so does addiction.

Addiction comes in many ways which can cause a negative affect on the whole family unit. Food, Shopping, Gambling, Money, Power, Sex, Porn  oh I can go on. Some addictions take longer to make a negative impact.

The more endorphins released the faster an addict's life spins out of control. This is why the drug meth changes someone in months, it brings extreme amounts of dopamine out and the addict is always trying to reach the good feeling of the first high. 

Addicts love drama so we can say.. Poor me, Poor me...pour me another drink and have an excuse to continue on with our addiction.

As breast cancer survivors we know personally the pain it takes to fight and find that inner strength. Although we may not be able to talk someone into getting sober, perhaps they can see the strength we found within ourselves and find in within their own spirits. 

Oh and to add about stress and Breast Cancer, I walked into a murder/ suicide 5 months before I found a lump,my neighbors of 18 years.  The husband killed the son ( sweet Andrew who is a cancer survivor) and then killed himself out for revenge of his wife divorcing him. I walked in and found them, my dear friend ( the mother)asked me to go in and check on her son, she couldn't go legally I guess and he wasn't answering her calls. ( I can get into that more if you want me to.)  Perhaps the stress of it caused another lump to come forward and I was able to catch it before the 6 cm one way in the back of my breast went into my lymph nodes. I believe my Angel Andrew the young cancer survivor had a part in that.

~*~

pegs54

I want to say I'm relived to find this topic especially today my adult son just entered a 28 day rehab program a couple of days ago. I am so worried he is going to die that I can hardly stand to think of anything else. I am also at the same time worried about what the stress is doing for my recovery or future health.

justmejanis

pegs54, I am so sorry but for the next 28 days know that your son is in a safe place.  I know how difficult this all is.  My son has been in rehab twice.  Once a good private facility for 30 days, the second time he went into a state facility for 60 days.  Both times he started drinking not long after he left.  It is heartbreaking I know.  How old is your son?  What is his drug of choice?  I know what you are going through.  Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk more!  Sending you lots of strength and hugs. 

Beckers

Janis, how was thanksgiving with your son? I hope it went well.



Pegs54, my heart goes out to you. Definitely rest up this 28 days. I wish I could tell you everything will be alright. The disease of addiction is like cancer. Have gone through it for 7 years. Almost killed me. I hope you can get help too so you can live stress free. I'm just done. My son is sober right now....but I'm done. Oh the stories I can tell. Hang in there!!!

justmejanis

Beckers, Thanksgiving went really well, thanks for asking.  Ryan is on a different schedule and sleeps at odd times.  He stays up most of the night and sleeps very late in the morning.  My DH was cranky with him and it really caused me a lot of stress.  He is not Ryan's father and he was at one point very rude.  It casued me to go to the bedroom, door shut, craying and poor Ryan went off to his room, door shut.  This was at 5:00 in the afternoon!  That part was heartbreaking but we moved on.  Ryan loves to cook and he helped a lot but I think Chuck felt displaced as he always helps in the kitchen.  It was frustrating but we still had a nice time.  I can tell he is depressed but seems to be coping.  He went to court when he got back to Wyoming.  He got one year supervised probation and there is still a question if he will have to go to court ordered rehab.  I need to call and see if he has heard about that.

Okay ladies a visual for all.  This is what I have been doing for over a week and boy it has kept us busy.  Dh helps with all.  Some were mailed to our grown sons...we each have two.  I gave a ton to our very needy neighbors with two teenage sons.  The last of it goes to the pharmacy where I get my prescriptions.  They are awesome people.

Shayne

WOW!  and i just bought ready made cookie dough for cookies for my son.......  

Shayne

with the shootings in CT today........it always makes me think of my troubled son.  Not that he is capable, but do I really know that for sure?  I have no idea who he is today.  My heart goes out to the families in Newtown, Ct

justmejanis

Shayne the goodies bring lots of smiles, so it is well worth all the effort.  It is a ton of work though.

The shootings today are just horrific and senseless.  Heartbreaking.  Something has to change.  So many kids are raised with little supervision and violent horrible video games are widely accepted.  Something is so wrong with this current society.  My heart goes out to all of those affected by this terrible tragedy.

Beckers

Janis, I'm glad it went well for the most part. It's hard for the step Dads. They definitely don't have the grace for them that we do. My son got out of jail after 8 months the day of my BMX and DIEP. Oh my gosh my hubby is so PTSD and freaked out because my son drank a gallon of milk and slept in. The weird sleep habits. He also ordered a pay per view movie without asking. It's just old junk playing in his head and such dysfunctional family dynamics from years of the craziness. I think my hubby was totally out of line. But...sometimes I wonder why our adult sons do the things that they know will set them off. Ugh!!!!!! Anyhow.....I love all of the baking you've been doing. Looks beautiful. Personally, I would eat too many of them.



Shayne, I too thought about that troubled boy with respect to ours. I wondered if he was under the influence. Wondered how much his mom has tried to help him. People say "Oh they must have seen signs." Ummm yeah don't we all. People have no idea how out of control these situations are. You definitely don't think they are going to do something

like that. What a heart break.

Shayne

Just checking in with you wonderful ladies......wondering how you all are?

Update on my son - his gf asked him to leave after his recent brush with the law.  He is living in a homeless shelter, looking for work.  He visits his kids 1 day a week and every other weekend.  I think the kids are doing better, esp his daughter, who still refuses to talk to him.  

Praying that while he is in this place in his life, that he re-examines his choices that got him where he is.  Trying not to lose hope in him.  

Other than dealing with SEs from AIs lately, Im grateful for my life right now.  Hope you all are doing well

justmejanis

shayne i have been away far too lomg and i was really happy to see your post.  the day after christmas i fell and broke my right arm in two places.  way up high near the ball socket at the shoulder.  i am still typing left handed so i apologize but caps are not possible right now.  mending fine, just slow and frustrating.

i am sorry about your son shayne.  as a mother it has to be painful for you, but at the same time he has to learn to get his footing in this life.  why life is so difficult for some i always will wonder.  my niece renee was recently diagnosed bi-polar and she has been on rocky ground now for months.  she had to drop out of college and move back home with her parents.  nobody is really happy, there is a lot of tension in the home.  it is so complicated and she is still in the process of trying to get her meds adjusted.

my son ryan is stable as far as i know.  he is very poor at communicating so i am never really sure.  i call and leave messages and sometimes it is days before he calls back.  sometimes right away.  i know if anything bad happened to him my ex husband would call.  ryan is still unemployed and i doubt he is seriously looking for work.  he doesn't realize how crippling his depression is.  so sad.

hugs ladies.  dealing with our own illness and having kids with problems takes strength.  i hope everyone feels they can come here and talk about it.  this is a safe place.

truebff

I've been tentatively working on a project for some time.  I call it the Icarus Project, but it is equally about Demeter and her grief, something I am continuing to try to reconcile. I am an artist and writer. I thought I'd share a little bit about the project here with you ladies.

Many of the pieces (art) are completed. The stories that accompany this project are incomplete, in pieces that are both still forming and some that  are broken, not fitted yet, more rough drafts, abstract and maybe need to stay abstract or loose rather than neated up nice and pat.

The over-story is modern and not confined to time and is still Demeter's story, (our story) losing Persephone, and, although the mythological story reasons that this results, eventually, in seasons, (and a compromise), to me it still feels incomplete and too shallow.The myth often also relieves Persephone of any responsibility in that she is cast as the helpless victim: the underworld god rapes and kidnaps her. What if Persephone kind of went crazy with teenage hormones or under peer pressure, or in a soulless society, where even her mother's love could not sustain her, etc. and actively chose the underworld and ran away with the devil -more like Pinocchio? How does Demeter reconcile her grief or recover her own innocence? Geppetto soul searches his own role in his wooden son's choice to run away with the donkey-boys. So, removing the Disney aspects, (where everything turns out and is reordered happily for all), how does a truer, (and probably more difficult) new resolution come about? Is there an answer herein or does one just live, stepping one foot in front of the other, and continue on broken? I think the issues of severe grief and loss need, require a complete transformation of sorts, not just a soldiering on. I wonder about a society where when kids go wrong, into drugs or crime or ghettos and our cultural reaction is (too often) to point at the parents who they think must have been muckheads (which is sometimes true but Demeter loved her daughter desperately) or when tragedy occurs, either blame is assigned or the horror and loss is -too often anyway- bottled up because our horrors are unbearable, so how then does one find or feel the way back up to air and sunlight?

The artwork, the stories express in their own ways both Demeter's crisis and Icarus's plight. I'm not even certain there is a solution, but maybe a series of conversations that have to be opened up. We live in a world where grief, pain, age, tragedy, poverty, fragmentation is often stuffed, denied, straightened up with a teddy bear. It is scary stuff.

I once asked my daughter's high school literature teacher how she was going to deal with some very harsh novels on her reading list. Her answer was she "would give the kids a sticker and that would make them remember being little and all the bad, difficult stuff would go away." (I took my daughter out of her class and did an independent study course for her instead. I just don't believe in going into the swamp tralala without some idea of how to wrangle the alligators.)

Jung believed all crises needed a spiritual solution. I know I do. Wrestling with this creative project is at times too much because I don't have the solution. I put it down and pick it up again. I have so many questions: Would it help others to put it out in the world or just add to the misery? Are addicted souls acting out because this world does not -even if their mothers did and do- support their souls and drowning out that soulessness is the only sane thing they can think of?

Anyway, for me, sometimes what I really need to do is focus on what makes me happy and allow that in. And, at other times, because my heart has broken, I need to let myself express that truth too. It can be dicy territory though.

evergreen9

My daughter finally broke off with her boyfriend, after getting a nervous breakdown from dealing with his addiction for almost three years. She is much more at peace now. And he has been clean for two months, as a consequence of the shock of the break-up. I think the lesson is - tough love, better for both parties.

Shayne

counting on that evergreen!

truebff

Darn it all, but my kid is in deep trouble again - the worst possible -- and I just cannot take it. I need a hug. My grief is unbearable this week.

Shayne

sending a HUGE HUG your way Truebff.  Darn, I know how painful that place is where you are right now.....and that horrible helpless feeling....... Just know Im thinking of you with deep sympathies and empathy for Ive been there many times.

I got an email from my sons g-friend....hes still living in the shelter, hasnt spent time with his kids and had a new tattoo and tongue piercing last time she saw him.  His kids are having a really hard time, and the school has suggested therapy for the younger one for his anger and depression issues, and his daughter has an impacted intestine.....all brought on by stress.  (and he referrs to me as a terrible parent)  Sometimes im glad im 1400 + miles away.......but i wish i could be there for those grand kids.  I havent seen them in about 5 years!

peace to you all this weekend.........

truebff

Thanks Shane. We are close to holding a memorial service. she is that close to dead.

Shayne

oh no.  I know you think you have prepared for this day.......but there is no preparing for this day.  Im sorry.  Think of her being free from this earth, from her body and mind.....and the peace that that will bring.  Ill be thinking of you today.....sending strength and love.  

truebff

She is not dead yet, and I Thank God for keeping her on this earth.

It just is so horrible to bear her dangerous lifestyle and how she just goes out of contact and the news that we do hear is very hard.

Thank you so much for your support. Sometimes it is so so hard to bear or understand.