The Connection of Cancer and Troubled/Addicted Loved Ones

evergreen9

I have a daughter, aged 31, who is a recovering alcoholic, sober 9 years and working, with a great relationship with her family. She has a husband, who is addicted to opiates, currently in his 4th rehab. It is so painful to see her living the stress we lived while she was drinking.

What have we learned... ? ...to remember that addiction is a disease, to love the person, to let natural consequences work as much as possible, but to never stop telling them you love them.

I expect that stress, both related to my daughter's drinking as well as to my pressure-cooker job, as well as hormone replacement therapy and bad luck, contributed to my cancer. No-one knows for sure. But today, I use exercise to cope with stress, and social interaction with my friends, and both help enormously....

summergirl1

Thank you all for your lovely replys, sometimes its just nice to be able to write down how u feel and that alone helps me to feel better, I am working on trying to get my life back on track again I feel while I was sick I didnt notice a lot of what was happening in the family as I was in my own little world, but as Im feeling stronger now I hope to make changes and will consider going to alanon , I did go many yrs ago but didnt find it helped but it might be worth trying again, hugs to all of you going through your own difficult situations and I hope to get to know you all over time 

evergreen9

My daughter goes to Alanon and AA, and she says they have helped her enormously. She has stressed to me that Alanon helps her regulate her own behaviour and reactions to her addicted loved one.

However, if you love someone, it is really hard to live life only at the intellectual level, vs the emotional level.....

alcb70

I'm glad I saw this thread, and to know that others are out there! I haven't read all the posts (just the last few...it's almost 1am), but was feeling really alone.  Like someone mentioned, I cannot speak about this in the real world, so not many know the extra stress I am under.  My daughter is 18, and has been dealing with addiction and bipolar since she was 14!  I know many people judge parents for kids starting that young, but we didn't recognize her behavior as drug addiction because of her bipolar. She was rapid cycling so we didn't know (literally) from one minute to the next what we were going to deal with.  She has been hospitalized 3 times, and is in rehab for the 4th or 5th time (I've lost count). This latest program is also a homeless shelter. I have a spine condition and have to take very strong narcotics. She's stolen meds (along with money and jewelry) in the past, but we had JUST moved to TN, she had been sober about a month and a half....and after my 1st chemo/neulasta was feeling crappy. I broke down and went to my lock box to get a vicodin tab and all 70 of my tabs were gone. She gave a BS story, and within 3 days she was on a bus back to NC. I haven't spoken to her since that night. This is the same child who pawned my wedding rings for $50, and showed absolutely no remorse. My DH is wonderful and trying to take care of me....but I found out (looking through our bank account) that he sent her $70 in a matter of a few days! We're struggling financially b/c I cannot work right now & he is stil enabling her! I just don't know what to do!! I'm exhausted with it & I know it sounds terrible, and some of you know this feeling well, but I am SO grateful she is out of my home! I can relax, I can have my meds available where and when I need them.... I'm ashamed to say that she's in the back of my mind, and that I do not feel sorry that she's living in a shelter (I think she still has "bottom" to hit-and I know it's a good program). I really didn't have a point to this except to vent. I honestly didn't think I would have a place to do that! I'm so incredibly grateful I do! I feel for all of you going through this with me and having to deal with this issue also. It's heart and gut wrenching, exhausting, and has caused me to feel suicidal in the past. I just feel like it's either never going to end with her, or it's going to end with her funeral (and part of me fears "that" phone call).  Sorry for the long post....it's late and my mind is so active. Hugs to everyone else in this thread.

justmejanis

alcb70......I justread your post and feel so badly for you.  I know that living with mental illness/addiction is absolutely exhausting.  Please don't feel guilty for being glad she is gone right now.  This does not make you a bad mother, it makes you honest!  Your home should certainly be a safe haven.  I understnad this too as my mother allowed my heroin addicted brother to live with her.  He stole so much from her and it broke her heart, but she never had the courage to kick him out.  My alcoholic son is 36 and lives with his dad.  He suffers from depression and a number of social anxiety issues.  My ex husband continues to support him despite threatening to kick him out. 

This is tough you know?  I worry always about getting 'the call' about my son.  I live with that fear, just simmering slowly beneath the surface.  I underatand that heartache.  You have to allow yourself to have a normal existance!  Your daughter clearly needs help, but until she is willing to admit it and take that first step there is little you can do.  Remember you are battling cancer and you have to take care of you.  Stress has such a profound effect on our bodies.  It is the last thing you need right now.

Deep breaths...enjoy the calm while you can and try to focus on healing.

Big hugs! 

evergreen9

Dear alcb70,

How hard this must be for you. But thank God she is in a safe place and trying.

My daughter relapsed several times before it clicked for her, and one of those times lasted 9 months, and she literally went to hell and back with all the bad stuff that happened. We also had money missing, etc. Looking back on it, I don't know how I didn't go off the deep end or how she didn't end up dead or on the street. I really feel your pain.

I remember too, feeling so angry, so unappreciated, so ineffective as a parent, ashamed, the whole nine yards. And the relief and peace while she was at rehab, the relief when she got a sponsor and someone else could share the load.

For what it's worth, since she has been healthy, I have asked her, "What could your dad and I have done differently? What did we do wrong?" She said, "Absolutely nothing. It was up to me. Until I decided that I couldn't live that way anymore, nothing would have changed me except myself".

She did say that nagging or laying a guilt trip (e.g., if you really loved us, you would stop) didn't work. And that gifts or bribes to show the life she would lose out on, didn't work. She said that knowing we loved her, and would be there for her when she was ready, was the most important thing.

It is an illness - there is no doubt of that, likely self-medication springing from her bipolar. Our daughter has and is still treated for depression.

So now, we wrestle with her partner's addiction, hoping he has the strength to overcome. I sometimes wonder why some of us have to carry such a heavy load.... I guess it's that old saying, life is not fair....

Beckers

It's nice to see this thread pick up.





Truebff - glad to hear you took a stand. My son got released from jail the night of my surgery. I allowed him to stay with me for two weeks only. He then went out of state. It's amazing how jail rehab seems to have been the most effective. He is working, looking for second job. I'm in amazement. Even if he wanted to play reindeer games still, I can't. I can't do it any more. It would be the death of me. Please don't feel guilty. Your daughter has to know you are no longer an option. Especially not if she's not done. Hang in there.



Shayne - your son is not thinking of his children. I am so sorry you have to go through this with him. My granddaughter is my joy. Is there any way to make peace with him?



Summer girl - I'm glad you got this off your chest. My DH has gone back to drinking too. I can't believe it or deal with it right now. This BC has been hard enough. I keep hoping he will see the light. He went back to our home in Oklahoma a few weeks ago and I stayed here. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to live with that either. I just don't feel strong enough to deal with divorce, if that makes sense. I HATE drugs and alcohol! Last weekend my Mom was admitted at a hospital an hour away. I'm 2 months out of BMX/DIEP and did not have endurance to drive home at 2 am so I made plans to stay at my best friend's house and even SHE had a few beers and fell asleep. I'm so over it.



So....I am glad to see you all sharing and thank you for letting me vent as well.

justmejanis

Beckers you have been through so much with your son.  I admire you and the way you have dealt with him.  Having to go through all you did when being diagnosed wiith cancer...whew.  You had far too much on your plate.  Still you took care of you and did not enable him.  Bless you!

My oldest son Ryan is always a roller coaster.  He does live with my ex husband, or in his house.  My ex pretty much stays at his girlfriend's house.  Cal does enable him but it is out of my hands.  Last year Ryan (who is 36) told me Cal had given him a date finally to either get a job or get out.  Ryan told me he planned to go to Denver and just live on the streets!  Now as a mom this scared the crap out of me naturally.  I was scared for him, but it never happened.  Cal is so soft hearted.  In some ways I have to admit I am 800 miles away.  I could not have Ryan living here but I would never have the heart to kick him to the street.  Ryan is sweet, shy and so troubled.  His first suicide attempt was at 16, the last one at 19 although he knows he is at high risk for death by vodka.  He told me a few years ago the reason he has not committed suicide is because he does not want to put a third suicide on me!  My uncle and brother committed suicide 8 months apart.  Ryan is a quiet drinker, he stays home and drinks until he passes out.  He has been in rehab twice and drinks pretty much right after he gets out.  He stops taking the antidepressants.  He is just lost.

Evergreen I really appreciated you sharing your story.  Especially learning that your daughter did not think you should have done anything differently.  As parents we can makes ourselves crazy wondering what we could have done differently, where we failed.  Mental illness is a huge genetic component in our family.  My other son is bipolar.  One niece is bipolar I believe.....she is jsut 19 but so many problems.  She goes for an evaluation next week.  My brothers both suffered from depression and alcohol/drug addiction.  Both are gone.  My uncle was bipolar.  I had a great aunt who was schizophrenic and my cousin is as well.  What a mess. 

I am so glad to have a place to share our stories.  Not everyone understands.  These are difficult issues and I am amazed at how many of us have this in common.  I hope you know how much I admire you all.....

Love and healing hugs!

alcb70

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement! I don't have much time to post now, but I'm glad we have someone who understands!  As mothers and wives it's so hard to see that person you know slip away because of drugs/alcohol.  Sometimes it's even harder when they've been "gone" and you get a glimpse of the "real" them even for a short time.  You just wait for that next go-round. I see addiction as a genetic condition as well as a coping mechanism.  My daughter does self-medicate for her anxiety and to tries to and keep that manic feeling.  It really makes me wonder how I can get through everything with her, my other health conditions and now this....yet she can't handle taking one class, or getting out of bed before noon. Blows my mind! 

I hope everyone had some peace today....and keeping my fingers crossed for peace tomorrow as well!  Janis-I know how you feel with mental illness so abundant in the family!  If you're a female on my mom's side....you have something.....bipolar, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia....you name it! I am hoping for amazing BC research as well as mental illness research....

Hugs to all! ~Andrea

Beckers

Janis, it is not easy to not enable. We all know that for sure. I have been on this road for almost 8 years with him. I was a lunatic for many of the early. Desperate and heart wrenched most of the time. I woke up in the am and went to sleep at night obsessed with how I could save my son. Like Andrea said, you see the times when they are your loved one again. It's not natural. It's like a cancer that is back when they relapse. A nightmare for sure.



I'm sleepy. Thinking of you and praying for your loved ones. I even prayed mine into jail! Ha! Worked like a charm. 24 hour turn around time.



Hang in there. Gnite...

justmejanis

I had bad news today.  Ryan is in jail fpr DUI.  My ex husband called this afternoon.  Ryan went into town Friday apparently during a bender.  They live rural and it is about 15 miles to town.  He got a cash advance from someone for a painting job.  He ran out of liquor sometime Friday and coming back he didn't negotiate a curve on the dirt road well and rolled the vehicle.  Several times apparently.  Single car accident, he was not injured but trapped inside.  Someone called 911 and they got him out.  They found an open bottle of whiskey in the car and he was of course drunk.  So he has been in jail since Friday.  Cal (ex) called to let me know he will go bail him out tonight.  Then of course Cal has to figure out what to do with him.  This was Cal's vehicle he totaled..old but reliable.  Cal will not replace it so this now leaves Ryan out in the boonies with no transportation.  That might be good, but of course any hope of getting work is shattered.  Not that he held a job for long.  I am SICK.  Sad and so depressed.  This will not be the wonderful wake up call for him that defining moment that will change him for the better.  He has been to rehab twice and drinks as soon as he is released.  I fear the opposite, this will be another nail in his coffin.  I am not trying to be fatalistic, just realistic.  I know him.  Another huge failure for him.  Of course he will lose his license.This is his second DUI so the penalties will be stiffer.  He has no money so will likely go to jail.  I don't have a good feeling about any of this.  I am just sick to be honest.

Thanks for letting me share this.  I am really afraid for him.

Shayne

Sorry this is happening.  Sometimes when options run out......the only thing left to do is surrender.  Maybe this will have a good outcome.  He will have to get some kind of classes or counseling as part of his DUI.    Saying a little prayer for you....

evergreen9

Dear justmejanis,

I am sorry for your worries and his misfortune. Try to remember, you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. Hopefully this is his low point, and the beginning of a change. AA meetings are full of people who don't drink anymore, after losing their license.

Question - since he didn't hurt anyone, why would he go to hall?

Beckers

Janis, I know how scary this is. I say jail was the best rehab because my son had over a hundred thousand dollars of the best rehab money could buy ---- on the beach, etc. --- 7 of them. Nothing has worked as well as jail. Drivers license has been long gone. Now he has finally learned to take bus. Don't be discouraged. Remember I actually prayed my son would go to jail because I was afraid he would die on the streets. I know statistics aren't in our favor either way. Nothing to say that will take your fears away, I know. They have to hit bottom. I know how bad I hated people telling me that. ((hugs))

justmejanis

He still was driving drunk.  He had be be removed from the vehicle by rescue workers.  They found an open bottle of whiskey in his truck plus he was legally drunk.  I think my ex either bailed him out of jail last night or will this morning.  Then the mandatory court appearances etc.  This is his second DUI so fine and penalties will be stiffer.  He will no longer have any transportation as this was his dad's spare vehicle.  Cal will not replace it.  I am not sure what happens next.  With no vehicle it will be harder for him to go to town for liquor.  They live a long way from town, about 15 miles.  I will know more details later.  It just breaks my heart for him.  He won't learn, he will punish himself.  Thanks so much everyone for your replies.  I am grateful to all of you to lean on.

Beckers

Janis...no bail and no ransom. I had to make that rule early on. Believe me, I've been asked for both!

justmejanis

Beckers this part is out of my hands.  I do believe my ex said he would bail him, but then there would be a very serious 'come ot Jesus' meeting with him.  Cal said he may kick him out, but he is so soft hearted I do not see that happening.  Cal traveled through much of Ryan's childhood and I really suspect he has some guilt about that as he was gone so much and very rarely home.  I had to be both mom and dad.  Cal had it easy.  He got to be the good fun parent when he was able to come home.  Ryan was such a great and easy kid he required very little discipline.  Adam was also a great kid and student, but the mouth on his was unreal and he directed all of his anger to me.  When Cal came home he was so much fun, took them to great fun places and let them do what they felt like.  Lots of mistakes, bit I know looking back changes nothing now.  I have tried to reach them all day but had to leave voicemails and no calls yet.  I just feel terribly sad now, and very scared for  Ryan.  It is hard to explain but he is terribly fragile.  Now he has totaled his dad's truck.  He is so hard on himself as it is.  This of course will just make him more angry with himself and of course really guilty.  Yes he should feel that way and yes I want him well but I think he is really punishing himself with this latest.  I know him and I know he already has no will to live.  How he will get through all this guilt is beyond me.  It is so sad and I am very scared for him.

I appreciate all of you for your replies.  It means more than you can know.  Many, many thanks!

Beckers

Janis,



I know your fear. I tried to have faith for so long. I pleaded with God to save my son. I know the desperation. I wish so much something could happen for Ryan. Something life changing. It is not natural for us to have to tough love them, kick them out and all that we are told to do. I know being in jail gave my son time to sober up, for his mind to clear. I got to see him again. It took more than one time. He even did 8 months in a state prison. Believe me. I felt the devastation with every relapse. I felt those feelings of not being able to take it any more. It is torture that you are going through. I may not have the right things to say. I can tell you when my son was in jail, I got to see MY son again. In the 12 step programs they say jail, institutions, and death are the outcome if they don't stop. Rehab wasn't working for my son. I went to a prayer meeting at church and the woman said we need to pray he gets arrested. I thought NO WAY!!!!!! But it was what may have saved him. Try to be open minded. There may be a greater force at work here. Some times it isn't pretty to get out of something so awful. I hope Ryan makes it. I pray for peace for you. Vent any time. Keep us posted. I/we may not have all the answers but we can listen. Hang in there.

edwards750

Wow you guys have been through so much esp you Janis. My heart breaks for you and believe me I do know what you are going through. Our youngest son, now 23, went through the getting drunk, underage drinking, DUIs, jail time, rehab, courts and a halfway house. If stress contributed to my bc then I am not the least bit surprised I got it. I too have cried and cried, begged and pleaded with him and lawyers and counselors and cant remember the last time I actually slept through the night. When the phone rings in the middle of the night it is never a good thing. He almost died from alcohol poisoning at 15. I have told him over and over that he has a guardian angel. What happened to him and us could have been so much worse. Hard to imagine more pain but the reality is it could have been. I told him at age 18 we could not save him anymore. I knew it was true because he was legally responsible for himself but I think in the back of my mind I thought I will take on anyone to save him. I told him we would not let him fail and believe me it was really hard sometimes not to do the tough love thing and kick him out. I just couldnt do that. Part of his drinking problem is genetic. My husband hasnt had a drink in 12 years. He drank beer a lot but I never realized he was an alcoholic. He wouldnt drive drunk or get crazy but he drank too much just the same. Fast forwarding to now he is an excellent student in college and on track to graduate next summer. He already has funding for grad school. He has a nice girlfriend too and works and pays his own expenses. He does live at home because he cant afford to live away but does honor our curfew. I wont say I dont still worry about him because I do because he still drinks. Not like he was and thankfully not while driving. We dont allow him to go partying after work with the car...ever. The car is in the driveway. He lost 2 friends to drugs. Horrible sad stories. I know it had an impact on him just not enough to totally not drink. I dont think he ever will. We went to Al Anon and he and his dad went to AA meetings all the time. They worked for awhile but most first timers fail the first time and he is not willing to give it a go again - at least not now. We all love our children and I have been told we should have let him fend for himself in the streets but I will not do that and neither will my husband. Alcohol is a very strong addiction. Prayers do help and I will pray for all of you who are going through this. In closing I have to admit I get really ticked when people, usually ones w/o children, tell you to calm down or do this or that. Being a parent, esp a mother, is definitely a job you have to have to fully understand. Diane

truebff

Something in the "emotional weather" of the world this week, feels especially hard. My heart goes out for all these stories that are here in this thread checking back in. Much love to you who have been here and those new as well. We are not alone. We are not to blame. We are in need of comfort and peace too.

Our daughter -on the phone- sounds all drugged up again. It is so hard to trust this. There are so many lies scattering my read.

I think, for me, next to the horrific worry and anxiety for her, that the next worse thing is that I find, at really hard times, that I lose my own sense of dignity: I get so desperate. I call people in the middle of the night trying to locate her. Then I feel so embarrassed, so stupid, and ashamed, like I just went down that hole with her, after her, trying to locate her. It is so so hard.

I realized that I have come to be in a pattern of connecting to my daughter through my pain and anxiety and worry. I recently have been working on a meditation, it's a slight refocusing actually. It is not easy. But it is to try to relocate my connection -energetically- with her from one of pain to one of love, one without pain. If I can hold a memory or sense of a better time and think of her from there, it shifts me slightly. I know I -we- cannot afford to stay in such a hugely distressful place. It's unhealthy for us, psychologically and physically.

But, she just got out of jail -for getting caught using again- three weeks ago. In jail, as bad as that felt for me, like I might never hold her in my arms again, it felt safe. And now that she's out, nothing feels safe at all. And I feel so stupid. We spent something like $4,000. on phone calls and commissary (jail costs families money!)and I wrote her letters and letters and letters. we also spent money on a lawyer. I found her a program. I got my hopes up so high. And she got out and didn't last but 12 days in our house before she broke our rules, started all this suspicious behavior, and wouldn't even tell us what was going on and then became abusive to me. We felt we had to put her out to regain the sanity of our house and now she blames me. But I am no policeman and I am really not that desperate about anything else and I can't take it and one way or another, she seems to -in this disease or condition, whatever you want to call it- create chaos that spirals and unbalances others too. What are we mothers to do??? It is such a hard, hard call.

justmejanis

Thank you everyone.  I really appreciate all of the sharing and the support.  I can't write now, but wanted you to know I have heard nothing from anyone.  I have left messages but no responses yet.  Just know I appreciate all of you so very much.  I know you 'get it'.

Love and hugs...will write more later.  Just a bit frazzled right now.

Beckers

You all are awesome. We know the level of stress the chaos causes and the demoralizing things we do, eg, pawning one's wedding ring (ouch) to save our kids. We just can't afford to be in that place any more with breast cancer. I have heard the stress is likened to what is felt on the battlefield. Wow. If it is counseling or al-anon, church, this group...whatever it takes. We can't go through it any more.



My heart goes out to all of you. Happy Wednesday!

Shayne

So true. 

I have no room for drama in my life.  Im glad right now that my son lives far from me...... I run from people who are energy suckers.  I just have no time or room for that in my life.  

Wishing you all a night of sleep......and peace

summergirl1

just wanted to send my love to you all and hugs to those who are dealing with issues at the moment, I sometimes wish I could just run from all this cr--p and just be around positive people and enjoy my life especially since my dx I want to enjoy every minute I have. 

truebff

I am so glad I have a wonderful, loving husband and a grrreeeeaaaaatt therapist.

It helps to have healthy, health-oriented people around you when you have a loved one who is destructive or self-destructive.

My therapist wrote two pages of what she considers values in/about me.

My husabnd is going to add his own.

I wrote one of my own.

This, is so, when those horrid moments arise where you think your must be so worthless as to have a dysfunctional loved one, that you/we can remember who you are through both your own eyes and those of others who see you well.

I advise all of you here in this thread to make and collect such a list for yourselves for the rough moments, so when you may be self-doubting, that you have another set of ways to re-remember who YOU are.

Beckers

Just taking advantage of the quiet and reading and re-reading some of the posts here. Sometimes I think God has done for me what I could not do for myself. I used to have a big house full. Of course my sons addiction to meth was at the center of it. I was so desperate and did such desperate things. I am mentally in such a different place. I lost that home to foreclosure, everyone scattered, got breast cancer and spend a lot of time alone. I spent 7 long years trapped in that miserable, chaotic nightmare of addiction. You know, enough is enough. I realize how different I am today. What a wakeup call.... breast cancer, the death of my father, so many life changes has been. I am done with addicts who are in the midst of it. I really am. It feels free.

justmejanis

Beckers you have been through so much.  It seems you have found peace and this is wonderful.

I have family members now struggling so much.  It is impossible to distance myself.  My sister is going through hell with my niece Renee.  As of last night she had been in the ER for many hours hoping to get her admitted.  Renee has never been diagnosed, is just 19 but a mess.  She desperately needs help.  She is unable to control her suicidal thoughts and has left college in Montana and came back home to Colorado.  She is very unstable.  She saw a therapist yesterday for an evaluation and the therapist was concerned enough to recommend she be hospitalized right away.  It is not an easy process however.  As of late last night they were still sitting in the ER waiting.

evergreen9

I know there are websites for people with addiction issues. Don't know if they are as good as ours, but I know that recovered addicts could be so useful and helpful to struggling addicts. I guess that is what AA and NA are about. The challenge is the person being ready to admit they have a problem and ready to go to a meeting and get help.

I know my daughter spent much time trying to get help for depression (which led to alcoholism), has been there, done that, etc. She no longer has suicidal urges. If your niece ever wants to email another woman, a decade older, to chat, just private message me. I am sure my daughter would be willing to talk with her on email. It may be less threatening than face to face. Or if your sister needs to talk, I am here for her (my daughter and I spent many hours in ER rooms and hospitals).
So hard for people with these challenges. Like breast cancer, depression and addiction have a biological base, but still carry more stigma....

Shayne

Hoping you guys are around.  My son got arrested yesterday for trying to sell pot to undercover cop.  It was even in the papers.  His kids are old enough to be angry, humiliated......its horrible.  This is his 3rd offence, felony.....so he could be looking at serious time.  I was feeling so happy for the first time since my diagnosis, ready to celebrate Thxgiving with a lot of gratitude.  I actually had to take a xanax last night after I heard, first one since June.  I wish I had someone to talk to besides my husband.  I feel so sad, worried, and feelings of guilt come up about all my parenting mistakes that attributed to who he is.  He was just getting it together, sober (we thought) on meds, in therapy......starting a new job .......    I can only hope that a year (or whatever time he gets) in jail, MIGHT be a good thing somehow.  His arraignment is today.  Im really trying not to let it stress me........I keep thinking about my health, my upcoming mammo.....my young daughter........and want to just not wallow in this.  Its not my fault......but im scared for him.   His girlfriend is going to remove his things from the house and doesnt want him back.  She admitted she enables him.......and now the kids are effected, and she sees that.  

Please say a prayer for him......  thanks for listening.  You guys are all I have right now......

truebff

Janis, Shayne,

You are in my prayers. Oh yes, especially as here come the holidays can have such conflicting emotions.

Take very good care of yourselves, all here. Know that you are not alone.