STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

AliceBastable

Lita57, when I called my PC's office for some authorization paperwork last year, the Guardian Gargoyle was giving me a rough time, as usual, asking why I needed it. I said, rather shortly, that I was juggling two cancers and the oncologist wanted the test. Her response was "Hmph, you should have planned better." Luckily this was on the phone, because I would have throttled her otherwise. I may go for the head on a pike in front of the office rather than a verbal confrontation when I fire that service.

bcincolorado

Yes, we all "plan" cancer, right? And everything it will affect in our lives and takes from us? Hard to believe some of these people work in the "care giving" industry.

Artista964

seriously, they need to really vet potential employees in oncology offices and other chronic or terminal disease clinics. I can here some ahole telling a dementia pt he should have remembered his appt time. 🙄

edwards750

I agree I’m tired of these charm school dropouts too. My BS was completely insensitive when my Path report came back with a micromet in my SN. He said that will get you chemo. I said I didn’t want to do chemo and he said no one would hold a gun to my head. OMG if I could have pulled him through the phone I would have smacked him

As it was it wasn’t his call anyway it was my MO. She ordered the Oncotype test. Low score so dodged chemo.

The staff at the cancer faciiity I went to was really nice and efficient at least those employees at the front desk but if you tried to call to speak with your doctor’s nurse plan on 2-3 days before you get a call back. You would have hadbetter luck driving to the facility and waiting to see her. Outrageous.

Diane

jaycee49

Want to hear the most patient-unfriendly thing ever? My former neurologist's office had this mirror-like material (like contact paper?) placed over the window where you checked in. All you could see was a reflection of yourself. You didn't even know if there was anyone back there. All the people sitting in the waiting room were in shock. There was a sign in sheet and you could sign in but then what? I finally got up and slid open the window. Nobody there. I got through that appointment but never went back. Disconcerting to say the least.

april1964

bizarre and insensitive... I’ve never heard of a doctors office doing that...

Snickersmom

That's downright creepy!!

Egads007

Snickers - are you sure you weren’t at the police station? ))) joking of course, VERY creepy

macb04

I hate Pinktober, hate every single thing to do with the BC industry/cancer industry. I hate the way TV makes it all look so happy and cheerful. I insist on changing the station when it comes onto TV, I always say this. My moron, insensitive dh has always acted like I was just being fussy, he should be able to watch what he wants.

So tonight I am just sitting here in the living room, reading. He says look, look at that kid on the TV. It's this bald little girl dancing around. Makes me sick that this kid has gone through such awful things. I certainly don't want to see that . I TOLD my dumba** husband that I don't want to see this sh*t glorifying the cancer industry. Makes everyone but me feel all warm and cosy, that it's not terrible, a travesty.

We got into a big argument. He yelled at me to shut the F*ck up, threw the TV remote across the room.

• He has never respected what I have gone through, the misery and suffering. When he threatens to leave at moments like this, I want to say go ahead.

Meow13

macb, I got into an argument with my husband, his sister is leaving her money to a couple charities. Well that is nice until my husband says "I want to leave my 50% to 2 different colleges". I got upset, he says "why you have plenty of money". I guess he thinks he is Bill Gates. I was so mad what if my kids or I need it. You never know medical expenses. He is an idiot, just wants to impress his sister who doesn't have children.

I don't like the bald head and smiling face, really tired of it too. The "oh look" at all the wonderful medicines there are, you can come home after chemo and have a nice cup of coffee in your own home. You would think cancer is totally curable.

kathindc

Macb, I hear you loud and clear about how husbands behave. A few months after my BMX I started getting “get over it, you don't have cancer anymore" when I reacted to nerve pain or tried to calm an itch. I even got it when I had a six month and year follow up appointment with my surgeon. Mine hated the fact I would complain about the pinking of October. You have my sympathy.

bcincolorado

If no one has listened to the podcast on here about PTSD you should listen to it. As soon as I did I realized it is exactly why I feel how I do. Now to get doctors to listen though is another issue. It is here:

https://www.breastcancer.org/community/podcasts/ptsd-20181220

mara51506

I definitely agree that most of us if not all of us have PTSD. Caregivers also go through that as I discovered helping to look after my mom died of lung cancer about a month after her own diagnosis.

Thankfully, I have not been told by anybody to get over it but I am sorry it happened to you Meow. As if cancer is like a cold you can get over. Sheesh.

bcincolorado

Agree. I was even told by surgeon that I had "nice cancer". Really? I didn't know there was a nice cancer. It sure has taken it's toll on my body and mental well being over the last several years. Poked, prodded. No privacy from people who want to look at you all over now. Makes you want to get in a car and drive away sometimes and not talk to anyone ever sometimes since they all say stupid stuff that makes it all worse. At least here people do understand.

macb04

My husband used to say terrible things to me, told me once I was lopsided, or I looked like a monkey when I would do manual lymph drainage after lymphedema. He used to get really angry that I wasn't a cheerful bc patient. He even once compared me to the old neighbor across the street who had bc, but had not much treatment side effects to deal with compared to me.

I agree about PTSD, I would say most of us have some degree of it. Those cheery cancer industry commercials and uplifting little stories on the evening news make me enraged. Volcanically enraged. My husband gets angry that I tell him to change the channel. So he can not plead ignorance, asking me to look up from my reading to see the pathetic dancing bald child was rubbing salt in a wound, pooring vinegar in a painful wound. He knew better, and did it anyway. He is an insensitive clod.

Now he is sulking. We fought about 2 wks ago about something else, that is a kind of similar emotional hurt. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him for the neglectful, selfish way he behaved then when I was being actively tortured by the bc industry. I tried to let it go, but then last year I had a scare, and he went right back to being a dismissive, cold fish. When I needed his arms around me, to reassure me or let me let off steam, he would walk away and say "I don't want to hear it"

What the hell is " nice cancer"????????

Artista964

better to be single than with a guy like that?

edwards750

I agree Rosabella. What a prince.

macb04 - OMG how insensitive can your husband be. You don’t deserve nor should you put up with that kind of treatment. He should be ashamed of himself. I think the next time he threatens to leave call his bluff. Frankly I would rather be alone than with him if it was me.

It’s reprehensible how these husbands act with all the pain and suffering we went through and are going through. I guess you find out who the person you married really is. A crisis will do that it brings out the best or the worst in us.

Meow - shame on your husband too. His first priority is the welfare of you and your children.

My husband was attentive - not overly. Sometimes I wish he had been. I’m so fiercely independent he just figured I would take care of it like I do everything else. He was there for my surgeries and my appointments and I know he cared I just wish he had coddled me more.

Diane

bcincolorado

I will say I was blessed with a nice supportive spouse. Probably because I sat through transplant surgery and all that led up to that with him before I was ever diagnosed. He has tried to die on me 3 times since then with renal failure but I just told him he was not allowed to. Now we argue over who gets to die first. I vote for me.

Micmel

my spouse is incredibly loving and kind and my love for him is what fairy tales are made of. Sometimes I look over at him and he's tired. So tired. He really does everything. I always strive to help more and want to get out of the damn bed more. Every time I fail, I apologize. I just can't be out of bed long. The fatigue is stagggering at stage four. My DH is my best friend and I only want him to be happy. I can't see how taking care of someone the way he does can be happy. I mean I can bathe and take care of myself still. I can't travel or go out for long periods of time. I have cancer at the base of my spine. One of three places only in the bone. It's the spot by my sciatica and the end plate of my spine. It's horrifically painful at times. He never complains. He has so much to complain about, but he doesn't. He smiles and makes the things I love to eat, because he knows. He makes me laugh everyday. Smile in every way. I would give my life for this man .

It is he who has shown me what a real man is like. What a real vow means when you take them. In sickness and Inhealth sounds so far away when youre at the alter. But when the file opens and the diagnosis is handed out. That is the real test of a man. Or woman. Cancer certainly isn't gender specific. If I didn't have this beautiful man by my side I think I would have given up and died a long time ago. I love everyday to see him smile or see his beautiful blue eyes. Or see him talk to our kids. And their laughter. My beautiful family. Thatvis the reason I fight. It makes me sad that I would never need another ever. That, that is when I am diagnosed. I always said in my hearts heart. Death would be the only thing that would ever separate he and I. I belong to him. My heart knows his hearts song. It sings to me. I could die Tomorrow in his arms and that would be a beautiful way to leave this world.

Snickersmom

Micmel - so beautifully said. Your DH is so very lucky to have you!

My husband is great but is not demonstrative. He was raised to show no emotion at all, which is very hard for me. I'm from a bunch of huggers and even though we've been married for 37 years, it's still hard for me to not have hugs, etc. He goes to every appointment with me and I really can't complain. I just wish he would show some emotion.

Lita57

Micmel, your post brought tears to my eyes.

Snickers, my dh isn't very demonstrative either, but that's ok. He drives me to my appts and does the dishes and vacuums (but only when carpets/floors get really bad). My back hurts too much anymore to do cleaning, so I've had to lower my housekeeping standards, but once again, it's ok.

L

Snickersmom

Lita - I agree; my DH does laundry, cooks, does the dishes, and also does the floors when I need him to. So I am not complaining!

molliefish

I think what is most important is the human connection. I'm as neat freak as the best of them but at the end of the day if I'm in a messy house having dinner and laughing with the gang, that's what matters most. Yes a messy house drives me nuts and I have to think about my response consciously every day. Focus on what's important, after you identify what is important to you.

macb04

Micmel, I am glad you have a true love story. You have written so beautifully of the marvelous relationship you and your husband share.

Sometimes I am sad that I have never had that. My parents weren't great either. Dh is sometimes ok, but only when things are easy. He is angry that I argued with him, and at the moment we are not talking to each other. He has been sleeping on the couch for the last few months. I realized a few months ago that sleeping next to him was ruining my sleep because he snores really loud and twitches constantly in his sleep. I think he realizes he is sleeping better on his own too, but being stuck on the couch till we finish the basement remodel is making him angry as well. It is not how I anticipated things in my life going.

The absolue best things I have out of this relationship are our daughters. They are 14 and 16. They have had to grow up seeing all of this, the good and alot of bad, which I suppose is true for most kids.

I ran through all of my savings, high deductibles and multiple surgeries, getting supplements to stay healthy and eating an organic diet. I am working a good job now, but still have very little saved, which is why i can't imagine how to split up and not be just scraping by. I am afraid to be on my own and pay all the bills, and always worry if I needed to get alternative treatments in the future, because I am never going through the horror of " traditional treatment " again..

Dh doesn't make a ton of money either, so there wouldn't be much money to share if we split up. Currently we share the bills, and I am even planning to take a trip, just the girls and I. I really try and maximize my time with my girls. They are so important to me, and I just love them to pieces.

I just wish he could be on my side, be considerate of my feelings, of the trauma of what I went through, to make it easier to live in the same household till my girls go off to college in a few years. I am not asking for much, just basic consideration.

Micmel

Mac~ Holding your hand. My husband and kids are my reason. Kids mean everything . I never thought my life would be this way either. I am sending you such good thoughts for you. I had a terrible childhood and no one paid any attention to me as a teenager, at times I realize I am lucky to even be alive. No one ever really took care of me. Lovingly. I created that on my own. I built that into my family that I made because like they say you only live once. Which is why I never settled. I’m so glad now when I was not sick, I found him. I wish everyone had their true person. Hugs my sisters. Thank you Lita.... and snickers.. it means a lot to share such deep feelings.

mara51506

Macb, I am sorry your husband is unable to be more supportive to you. Hopefully there are other family and friends to take up that mantle.

bcincolorado

micmel your story made me cry. Beautiful and how nice to have such loving care.

macb04

Thanks Micmel, Myboobstriedtokillme, snickers, edwards750 for the handholding and support. I am lucky to have a few woman friends, along with my girls. Dh, like a lot of guys, wastes too much time trying to be all manly and unemotional. It's really a type of weakness, to be so afraid to feel emotions deeply. I sometimes feel sorry for him. He has boxed himself in a corner and doesn't even see all the losses he has, the things he doesn't appreciate. The me he doesn't love enough for who I am, that he can't ever stand up for, when it is just the two of us.

macb04

Thanks Micmel, Myboobstriedtokillme, snickers, edwards750 for the handholding and support. I am lucky to have a few woman friends, along with my girls. Dh, like a lot of guys, wastes too much time trying to be all manly and unemotional. It's really a type of weakness, to be so afraid to feel emotions deeply. I sometimes feel sorry for him. He has boxed himself in a corner and doesn't even see all the losses he has, the things he doesn't appreciate. The me he doesn't love enough for who I am, that he can't ever stand up for, when it is just the two of us.

bcincolorado

Cancer has an effect on support systems too. They are taught to be "tough" from an early age and don't want to talk to anyone about how it affects them too and their fears. They often just shut themselves off instead and of course that hurts us too even if they do not mean to do so.