STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Artista964

I realize that and I hope it's just venting but in case it's more serious than letting steam off is what I'm saying. I know I wasn't the only one consumed in despair 24/7 and I hope to help anyone who may be is all.

mara51506

I hear you Rosabella.

AliceBastable

Yeah, I just come here for an occasional vent because I've actually stayed pretty positive in real life. It's a way to keep that life as normal as possible without getting whiny at my family.

Pi-Xi

runor, I can empathize. I do have some good news though. It has gotten better for me. I'm a little ahead of you, so maybe the clouds will recede further in time. They aren't gone. I am a realist. Despite that it has gotten somewhat easier to find joy. The month off tamoxifen last February seemed to kick off the improvement. (The month off itself was fabulous!) Not offering medical advice, just my experience.

SuefromSydney

Well said alice and boobs - there is a place for putting problems and grievances on the table. Then they can be examined and put aside while we get on with the gift of life. Rosabella, I'm sorry you've been through a dark place - I hope you are healing now.

runor, I am so in awe of your beautiful writing. You're a true word smith, and I'm glad you can use your gift of skilfully crafted words to serve you well in expressing the hard things you are living with now. Thanks for sharing your feelings in this way. We love you as you are, and clearly your husband and family do. I hope the expressing in words-on-paper helps to give you energy to see yourself with acceptance. Believe me, I know how it feels to feel old and ugly!

Signed, the fat old bald woman of Oyster Bay ;-) (also tired, cranky and overwhelmed)

PS And may I share the mantra I share with my sister, which has now been taken up by the next generation of women: This too shall pass. Actually, maybe Ecclesiastes isn't always the most cheering reading! But it does come back to what has true value. You clearly understand that, even though you're grieving for what a=was and might have been. And now I'll stop rambling...

runor

Thank you SuefromSyd, I don't ALWAYS feel that way. I am sure I have posted in other places that as time has gone by I am doing much better. It is my hope that the clouds lift for everyone else too. But that said, I have learned there are bears in the woods and yes, one must live in spite of it and maybe living well is the best revenge! But at this particular moment, the dreary unrelenting gray of our sunless winter is really getting to me. I've been having a tough time. I know that when the weather improves and I can get outside and light stuff on fire ... my inner pyromaniac will outshine the darkness. Give me a little can of diesel fuel and a match and watch me go. It's just that everything is under snow right now......

bcincolorado

Life just stinks for all of us once cancer enter our lives from time to time. From insensitive doctors or staff who does not know what they are doing to insurance companies that do not want to pay claims. Dealt with all of them this week.

Lita57

Now I have to go to an edema massage therapist for the swelling in my feet, ankles, calves, and thighs, which look like tree stumps...another lovely side effect from Gemcitabine (Gemzar). I have purpura (red/purple spots) on my arms, chest, shoulders, and back. I can barely walk and have to use a back brace and a cane at all times because of the pain, dizziness and balance issues. My blurry, dry, itchy eyes are the worst they've ever been, despite trying to rest them and all the dry eye drops and products I use. Gastrointestinal problems continue to plague me, and I have to wear Depends or a thick incontinence pad at all times because of my loss of bowel and bladder control.

But I haven't lost my joy...at least not yet.

It could always be worse, and I already know it WILL get worse, but I'm trying to stay in the present.

My faith sustains me, and I know I will be going home soon. I will see my parents again, and meet my nieces and nephews, countless cousins, and my beloved first English Bulldog will be on the bridge, waiting for me.

And I will gaze into the face of my beloved Savior as He embraces me with His strong, comforting arms.

L

Parrynd1

Lita your heart and courage overwhelm me in a positive way. I hope to face whatever comes in my future with as much grace, faith and positivity.

Artista964

I am in awe of how you cope Lita. There are non stage 4 people who are reacting like they are stage 4 and here you are showing people that no matter what, things could be worse and to live in the present. You are truly a role model. ❤

macb04

Lita, and Parry and all you ladies suffering the worst side effects, I feel very sad to hear your stories, but so encouraged, at the same time by the way you keep moving forward.

I told a friend, that I don't want all beloved stuff on some ( hopefully far in the future) headstone, unless front and center it says "She persevered".

Runor, you totally rock that dark space you are inhabiting now, as long as have too. I hope you do have moments of grace and humor, the way I do. And that at some point the good outweighs the bad.

I do well until some bad bc industry related issue arises, then BAM, back in the dumps, so I really understand. It is like walking across scree, or trying to climb out of a collapsing pit. A balancing act, ...can you climb out quickly enough before being buried? Other people have no idea how much I knock on wood, how much I live in some degree of daily fear. It's kind of exhausting, day in, day out, to have that fear. Sometimes it's a tiny kernel of fear, sometimes it's a great stinking hole full of despair and simmering rage. I am like Marley's ghost, carrying chains fashioned by the bc industry, and my mother's endless cigarettes as well I am sure.

Like, I don't go back to anything to do with the bc industry. No mammos, no onco docs, none of that. I felt such relief when I decided no more. So I occasionally still get trapped in c related stuff. My dentist feels she has to palate my neck for lumps. I have told her, and told her I don't want her to do that, to just take care of my teeth and my poor chemo exacerbated receding gums. She just feels compelled or something to do it. Now I go to see her with a scarf heavily wrapped around my neck. I otherwise like her, because she is very gentle, and I have terrible PTSD about needles since the bc industry ruined my health, mental and physical. I now cry at the dentist, and have to have gas, or I cannot stand it. I have another visit coming up and I am dreading it.

I have a trip to Cabo planned the 18th of February, just because I too am oppressed by Winter Doldrums. I planned to go somewhere a couple of months ago, and only finalized my plans a couple of weeks ago. It will just be me and my daughters, because my dh never wants to go anywhere except Dublin, to stay at his Mom's house. It will be much more fun without him. Some sort of Mathematical formula of inverse distance from unpleasant/ thoughtless husband equals Expanding Degrees of FUN!..

macb04

Lita, and Parry and all you ladies suffering the worst side effects, I feel very sad to hear your stories, but so encouraged, at the same time by the way you keep moving forward.

I told a friend, that I don't want all beloved stuff on some ( hopefully far in the future) headstone, unless front and center it says "She persevered".

Runor, you totally rock that dark space you are inhabiting now, as long as have too. I hope you do have moments of grace and humor, the way I do. And that at some point the good outweighs the bad.

I do well until some bad bc industry related issue arises, then BAM, back in the dumps, so I really understand. It is like walking across scree, or trying to climb out of a collapsing pit. A balancing act, ...can you climb out quickly enough before being buried? Other people have no idea how much I knock on wood, how much I live in some degree of daily fear. It's kind of exhausting, day in, day out, to have that fear. Sometimes it's a tiny kernel of fear, sometimes it's a great stinking hole full of despair and simmering rage. I am like Marley's ghost, carrying chains fashioned by the bc industry, and my mother's endless cigarettes as well I am sure.

Like, I don't go back to anything to do with the bc industry. No mammos, no onco docs, none of that. I felt such relief when I decided no more. So I occasionally still get trapped in c related stuff. My dentist feels she has to palate my neck for lumps. I have told her, and told her I don't want her to do that, to just take care of my teeth and my poor chemo exacerbated receding gums. She just feels compelled or something to do it. Now I go to see her with a scarf heavily wrapped around my neck. I otherwise like her, because she is very gentle, and I have terrible PTSD about needles since the bc industry ruined my health, mental and physical. I now cry at the dentist, and have to have gas, or I cannot stand it. I have another visit coming up and I am dreading it.

I have a trip to Cabo planned the 18th of February, just because I too am oppressed by Winter Doldrums. I planned to go somewhere a couple of months ago, and only finalized my plans a couple of weeks ago. It will just be me and my daughters, because my dh never wants to go anywhere except Dublin, to stay at his Mom's house. It will be much more fun without him. Some sort of Mathematical formula of inverse distance from unpleasant/ thoughtless husband equals Expanding Degrees of FUN!..

leftduetostupidmods

Rosabella,

There's a difference between "not going on the path of despair" and not allowing others to treat you like you have no feelings, or not allow you to complain about anything, or step all over you with disregard to your opinions, or treat you like a number when you go see a doctors, etc.

Also, as the ones above said, this is the thread of venting. About anything and anyone who cheezes us off.

Maybe if you read the OP you get it.

There are other threads that deal with emotional issues. This is not the one.

SuefromSydney

Lita blessed sister you don’t know me but I’m holding you before our good God. Your joy is a gift from him, a solid fact not a feeling. I pray comfort and peace for you

mara51506

Lita as always well said. I feel the same say about seeing my loved ones again, especially my mother who I lost recently.

Artista964

Jeez Seachain. Don't have to be rude. If you read my last post you'll see what I meant. I know the differences. I also know not everyone in crisis posts in those other threads.. that's how most suicidals work.

leftduetostupidmods

Rosabella,please, don't also confuse stating facts with being rude.

It's all in the eye of the beholder. For me, for example, to come on a thread created for our sisters to be able to come and freely vent on issues that they can't vent freely anywhere else, and tell these ladies they shouldn't vent because "dark paths" and "suicide" and all kinds of other negative things , making them feel they can't even do that here, is EXTREMELY rude.

This is supposed to be our safe place to vent, and that is what sas-schatzi created it for. Please feel free to start your own thread on the subjects you're trying to raise, and respect the people who found a safe haven here - otherwise there wouldn't be THOUSANDS of post on this thread.

Artista964

Stop already. Put me on ignore or be kind like the other poster was responding to me. Not saying anyone here is at that point, but in case..

Mominator

myboobstriedtokillme: my deepest condolences on the recent death of your mother. It takes time to process that loss. Sometimes something would remind me of my mother and it would overwhelm me with grief all over again. 

Take care of yourself,

Mominator

mara51506

It is hard. I have to try and find an apartment on a low income but no one wants to rent from me. I own my home but cannot afford the mortgage payments. Not sure what is going to happen. I am scared.

Mominator, thank you for your kind words. I miss her a lot.

Rosabella, create a thread or read through some where help is needed. I agree with trying to help, you just need to find the right audience. Think of it like me posting on threads where people are afraid their cancer will come back, that would scare people since I am stage 4. Good luck, you have good ideas. Look in active topics where it is more appropriate to help. We have this simply to dump our toxic stress out.

Micmel

The way I see it. Maybe rosabella was venting in her own way. I don’t take things personally ever. Vent and leave it. That’s what I do, this thread is for venting. Venting can be sadness or fear or even fear for others. I have experienced several times that I am at my wits end and my bottle of pills looks so good. Maybe just then I’d read rosabellas post and maybe I’d think twice about that direction. Maybe I would think thank you sister for caring and trying to change my thoughts and direction when I may be alone. Or not thinking clearly.
We don’t need to use caps at each other. Only cancer to me deserves those . I don’t even care what stage you are fear is real . Everyone is entitled to their opinions. And she shouldn’t have to start her own thread to vent in her own way. If you don’t agree don’t read it. Just let it go. Why I come here is for no judgement, just support. I don’t expect someone to point out anything in my venting mannerisms, if you want to support me I welcome that and love you for it. If you don’t. I can respect that. But cancer is mean enough in my opinion. Respect for you all !

Artista964

Thank you Micmel. ❤You explained it very well. And no one deserves angry caps on this board.

Lita57

Don't get me wrong, ladies...I'm no saint. There are days when I want to curse everyone with the malocchio (Italian curse).

Sometimes my DD and DH drive me effing CRAZY. These moments usually come when I'm on steroids, and I have to go stand in the corner and breathe deeply until I calm down. Just because I "try" to find joy in my life, doesn't mean it's easy. I'm in a lot of pain today, and had to take pain meds, which I HATE to do, because I still have to take down the rest of the Christmas decorations. One foot in front of the other, as they say.

I still rant when I have to. My latest rant is these frivolous lawsuits regarding Taxotere (hair loss...everybody knows you'll lose your hair on Taxol and Taxotere, says it right in the list of SE's) and Johnson & Johnson's baby powder. I called up the law firms and gave them a piece of my mind. Frickin' AMBULANCE CHASERS!

So, who the hell do WE get to sue for our metastatic breast cancer? Somebody better PAY US for all our pain and suffering!

If people are getting "pay outs" for losing their hair and getting ovarian cancer from "talc," which I find totally far fetched because the PATH the powder would have to take to go up the vagina, thru the cervix, up into the uterus, then climbing up the fallopian tubes and FINALLY into the ovaries. Plus, it would have to take a whole LOT OF POWDER to give you a hefty dose of cancer.

I'm still pretty pissed about this. You get what you get. Everyone's going to die some day. DH just told me about that young Food Network judge (age 29) who just passed away from bone cancer. Who does HER family get to sue?

L

Micmel

Rosabella~ you have supported me many times. My motto is. You have my back, I have yours.

I wanted to mention what an amazing woman Lita really is. I am also stage four, she's amazing a real miracle and every time I read her way of looking at things. I do really pause and think, that I should shut my face. And stop complaining about my spinal pain. Or any pain for that matter. Lita, you really are special. The way you share your cooking ideas and your sewing talents. No matter how you feel. I know that I need to adopt that mannerism and fight harder maybe. I'm certainly trying. ! Your writing skills. Just wonderful

~M~

mara51506

I am so depressed. My mom passed recently and all I can wish for is progression so I can go too. I am on disability so no one will rent to me, low income housing is several years away. I feel so down that I wish I could just disappear. Cant stop crying, no one to talk to.

bcincolorado

Lita you have been fighting this battle strongly. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Myboobs so sorry about your mom. Moms are special.

Lita57

myboobs...you have my condolences. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in high school. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Altho we had our differences at times, I still miss her.

As BCincolorado said, "Moms are special." And we only get one.

L

AliceBastable

Myboobs, I am so sorry about your mother. I lost mine just a year ago and it was so hard to go through the rest of last year without her. Sending you hugs. Is there any chance you could find another cancer patient to share housing with? Is there a social worker at your medical facility who could help?

mara51506

I will see my social worker on Monday. I have a wonderful older brother and wife who came and talked me off the ledge. I also called a mental health number when my thoughts turned so dark as to wanting progression. That scared me. The mental health people suggested calling my family. They came over and we all sat and talked. I was also stressed because I told a verbally abusive younger brother he would not hear from me again. His wife came on the text claiming we limited his time with Mom. Meanwhile for the last few years he and his wife could not be bothered visiting at all. What a joker he is. I will not allow them to verbally abuse me anymore. So now I only have one brother instead of two. In the end, I am better off without him and his twofaced wife. She is mean as a rattlesnake and they have no qualms about abusing cancer patients. He may read this later but I don't mind. He does not deserve any respect.

WC3

Lita57:

It's crazy how the law/courts work isn't it? I've experienced two events which have severely impacted my life. The first one, no one disputed the fact that I had a case but my lawyers didn't want to take it to court because there are caps on the damages you can get from a public institution. The second one is my cancer misdiagnosis. My state caps non economic damages in medical malpractice cases at $250,000. Voters enacted the cap over two decades ago in an effort to curb the rising cost of health care because it was being blamed on the high cost of malpractice insurance for doctors, but the cost of health care continued to rise despite the cap. A four day stay in the local hospital here is about $150,000.

I don't understand how baby powder can get all the way up there either.