STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

WC3

Well I'm officially unemployed now. I've been away from work for 8 months during treatment so I'm not surprised but I'm not very happy with the way I found out. I just got a notice that my work e-mail was going to be deactivated and had to call tech support to find out why. It was probably a system thing where my "contract" just wasn't renewed because they did not know when I would be back rather than a termination but it's still a little jarring.

runor

Venting.

There is a solid body of evidence that shows there is NO CORRELATION between positive attitude and disease outcome. In other words, the push for people to be positive is just another stress placed on them at a time when they have had a mountain of stress dumped on them already. The belief that attitude can affect outcome is dead wrong and lays blame at the feet of the person who gets more cancer or dies from the disease, cause they obviously got the 'positive attitude' part wrong. They could have been positive. They could have cured and controlled their cancer by controlling their outlook and perspective, but they didn't, and they died, stupid them.

I am certain that me bouncing around the house making like I don't have cancer, don't have lymphedema, don't have fear about the future, will make it better for everyone else. Their comfort level will certainly be improved if I stuff my anxieties and sorrow in a sock. I mean, what's my job on this planet if not to make sure everyone else is comfortable at my expense?

There has to be a CLEAR distinction made between feeling lousy and carrying on anyway and feeling lousy and laying down in the track and waiting for the train to come. To me, it has nothing to do with attitude and everything to do with fortitude. But these two things get confused all the time. We believe that we have to decide to 'feel good' cause it's the only way we can carry on. Bullshit. You can feel like hell and still put one foot in front of the other. You can feel like hell and NOT let those feelings define your actions. You can feel like hell and get on with the mundane tasks of living anyway. How you FEEL does not have to determine what you DO. So to the assertion that the way I'm feeling is no way to live ... look around. My life LOOKS the same. I get up and go through the same motions as I did before because that's what life demands. Who cares how I'm feeling? I have risen above how I'm feeling and PUSH myself to get on with it anyway. To me, THAT is the ultimate success in cancer - not how you feel going forward, but that we go forward no matter how we feel ! It's a Herculean effort and the only other people who can possibly understand are the people reading this post. Cancer is not just a physical disease but a mental and spiritual jolt handed to us humans who do not, in this culture / society contemplate our own death very often. When we receive that memo: "hey, you there, guess what, you're going to die" it tends to fluck us up a little. Or a lot.

Changing my perspective on having cancer doesn't make me unhave it. Can't deny it away, can't positive it away, can't perspective it away. All I can do is look at it, well here you are, you ugly lump of shit, but I guess you're mine to bear, and then I must BEAR IT. How I feel is NOT the major issue. How I PROCEED is what matters. Some days that proceeding gets tiring, so I come here to vent about it. When I'm not here venting about it, I am carrying on, no matter how I feel.

mara51506

Well said runor.

Micmel

as always, well said. Precious friend !

Artista964

of course it doesn't runor. I don't think anyone here said that. But looking at life as glass half full rather than half empty does help the psyche. One thing I learned in Occupational Therapy school in working with disabled people, especially children. They seem to handle their disabilities and chronic illnesses better than adults. That's always fascinated me. They keep the hope. It was depressing field though rewarding.

Artista964

of course it doesn't runor. I don't think anyone here said that. But looking at life as glass half full rather than half empty does help the psyche. One thing I learned in Occupational Therapy school in working with disabled people, especially children. They seem to handle their disabilities and chronic illnesses better than adults. That's always fascinated me. They keep the hope. It was depressing field though rewarding.

And venting is heathy.

bella2013

Runor,

I feel for you when you express your grief and sadness. Most of us have walked through those dark days. In the dark of night...2:00 am...things can look pretty bleak. There are days that I just have to grieve this cancer experience. The loss of innocence and belief that I was healthy. Then BAM..out of no where “you have cancer.” The only place I share is on here. Sometimes I just want to share or vent without someone trying to cheer me up or say, “you are over your cancer don’t even think about it.” I would love to not think about it. But I feel what I feel. I have a supportive husband, family and friends but I don’t always want to share my grief with them. It helps so much to have this community of breast cancer sisters who completely understand.

Runor, I don’t worry about you because you don’t stay in this dark place. You keep it real. Your next post could have me rolling on the floor with laughter. I do send you hugs and prayers and I do look forward to your humor when you are up to sharing it with us

Parrynd1

Runor...you make me laugh. I do t know if you meant to be funny but I bust out laughing at ‘you ugly lump of shit’ probably relating way too much to this. Got married recently so tons of family around and everyone has been saying I look and act great so I’ll be just fine! Attitude doesn’t equal outcome or onset. I didn’t think myself into cancer and can’t think or feel my way out. Plus they have no idea how much medicine it takes to be a semblance of a normal person and of course I’d want be feel ok for this particular event! People....

mara51506

I really dont understand why venting is looked upon as bad. I'm tired if people telling us to be positive. While it may assist in the overall process, not everyone is there yet. It is not helpful to keep trying to get people to think positive. This a steam room for anger. We vent. Please stop trying to turn it into a think positive thread. I find it rude and condescending.

mara51506

I really dont understand why venting is looked upon as bad. I'm tired if people telling us to be positive. While it may assist in the overall process, not everyone is there yet. It is not helpful to keep trying to get people to think positive. This a steam room for anger. We vent. Please stop trying to turn it into a think positive thread. I find it rude and condescending. We were not born having cancer, of course our attitude will be different than being born with a disability. Children do tend to be more resilient as well.

nanette7fl

Here it is the 3rd weekend in a row that I have swollen face and hands and brain fog. and tired. Not sleep tired .. body tired. I really hate the brain fog things take so much longer to do. I feel so sluggish and like I'm mentally in outer space. My lips are also numb which feels really really weird. I feel like I want to quit my treatments because of how I feel right now but I also know I only have 4 more weeks of taxol left. I've had to go on breathing treatments because the taxol is making me feel breathless but that's probably because my RBC count is getting low and I'm anemic!! CRAP!!

Why are we and why am I slowly killing my body to kill this damned cancer?? OMG I feel like crap and i really hate how i feel!! I just want to feel 'normal' right now and not have to say i feel 'chemo sick' to DH & DD so they understand I'm not sick sick. Chemo sick ... jeez says it all.

Normally I'm not in a bad place but when my body fights against me I stumble.

I have to schedule a meeting with my BS and the PS soon for my mastectomy and I'm so scared of that meeting. I'm not even sure how I want to do this next part... probably would be better if it wasn't so foggy in my little chemo brain.

WC3

nanette7fl:

With 1 month left, you are in the home stretch! You can do this. The anemia can really make it feel like the world is crushing you but it will pass. I had 6 doses of taxotere and carboplatin every 3 to 4 weeks. I had it marked on my calender when I would start feeling better after the last infusion and when food would taste good again. It was something to look forward to.

candy-678

Runor--

YES,YES,YES !!!!!       At diagnosis, my onc said to stay positive.  My sister has said, " Forget about it for a while."    It does add stress to feel like I have to be 'Up' all the time.  And that I am wrong if I feel down or sad.    I feel like I am supposed to paint a smile on my face and go on as if nothing has changed.  It has changed----finances, health, future plans, emotional, spiritual, relationships.     All aspects of life have been affected.   This has changed me.    

FORTITUDE, YES !!!!    We keep on keeping on. I am not curled up in the corner in the fetal position.  I continue to work, manage a household, talk to friends.  

Nanette- My prayers are with you.  Just hold on.   

WC3

I prefer to be pessimistic. I would rather have pleasant surprises than unpleasant ones.

molliefish

Bah humbug!!!! Oh wait ..... Sorry wrong season. Welcome to winter my Sisters.... Hang in

leftduetostupidmods

Ha, WC3! I am the same. Well, not pessimistic as in general outlook on life, but pessimistic when it comes to people. I always expect them to do the worst. That way, when they don't, I'm pleasantly surprised. If they do, well, no disappointment there, as that is what I was expecting.

Lita57

Anticipate the worst, but hope for the best.

Works for me.

L

mara51506

That's the truth Lita.

macb04

runor, you are a blast, wish you were close by so we could get together to lament and curse and laugh about the friggin absurdity of the whole stupid bc industry mess we have unintentionally stepped in. It is a stinking pain in the ass the way we are, at times, brow beaten to be cheerful, and "" GRATEFUL " for what we have learned

I have learned a whole bunch of things I would much rather not know.

• My husband is an ass. I might have thought that when the kids were small, but now it is confirmed.
• People I thought were friends abandoned me just when I was suffering intensely from rads burns all over my chest and back, when I was having reconstruction surgery after surgery.
• I really thought my doctors had a fucking clue. Now I realize the whole thing is a crap shoot.

I also learned to not put up with self serving nonsense, and only keep those in my life who contribute in some meaningful way. ( My dh is still here on sufferance, and he does pay the bills. ) I dearly wish I could go back to the delusion the rest of the world lives in, they will die someday, but no worries, that day is far, far in the future.

nanette7fl

Oh my God yesterday was the day from h*** I don't know what crawled up my husband's butt but something did and it wasn't good. He snapped at me over something stupid and made nasty comments and walk past me with the such an evil look on his Face. Needless to say he didn't speak to me for several hours yesterday. Then he got over himself around dinner time and everything was good until my daughter my dear daughter texted that she was on her way over here to talk to us. Well that's really when the day went To pot. Apparently my husband's been borrowing money from her and I didn't know about it and it was more than she could actually afford to lend him. now I'd thought he'd been paying her back but obviously he hasn't been.

So there was a big blow up here last night between him and her all over her crying. the whole situation got her upset and she was crying...he can't handle tears From any woman especially the if its from me. So now we're out a brand new level of yelling Anyhow it all ended up with him storming off to the bedroom her going down to her room to pack up all her stuff and go live in her car and threatening to give her soon to be ex husband full custody of her kids.

I'm just having a really hard time handling all this with chemo brain and bloody noses and feeling tired all the time I'm just so drained. my husband's never been an easy man to live with we've been together for almost 18 years we've raised our children from teenagers to adults who have their own families and their own problems But in the last Year m his temper is just gotten so much shorter and at times he's unbearable. He's a bully and this has gotten worse over time. There's no talking to him when hes upset because then he takes everything you say personally and God forbid you say he did something wrong because now the whole situation is totally blown out of proportion and all he can say is it's all my fault it's all my fault everything's always all my fault.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have to go to chemo soon and I'm NOT looking forward to it at all 8((

Micmel

Oh Nanette~ Holding your hand!

WC3

nanette7fl:

Sorry you are in such a bad living situation. Can you and your daughter get a place together? I know it's hard not to sometimes but you don't need to engage in the fights he picks. His bad day doesn't need to become your bad day.

hapa

I get annoyed with my husband sometimes but he's an angel compared to what some of you ladies put up with.

Snickersmom

Mine, too. My DH can drive me to distraction but at the end of the day, he's a keeper. I feel bad for those of you who have to put up with so much shit. You have enough on your plates without putting up with them being big babies. Could it be that maybe they are just so scared shitless that they are going to lose you?

Sending you all huge hugs. We've got your backs.

macb04

Nanette, you husband sounds like an abusive turd, if you don't mind me saying so, and you definitely don't deserve to put up with all the stupid crap that big hairy baby wants to dish out. He sounds like my dh, and I have learned to protect myself, to lessen my stress. Just have to walk away. I doubt the Drama Queen will continue the ranting and raving like a freaking maniac if he has no audience to browbeat.

Nanomom11

Hello all! First post here but after the day I have had I just feel invisible to my nurses and doctors. I have a port incision site that is not healing up so now on my second antibiotic with the warning this will cause diarrhea. Because I don’t have enough of that already and I really just had my second AC infusion today. I told my two usually wonderful nurses my port did not feel right but I was just ignored. Finished up developed pain in port site an super rapid heart rate that felt like my chest and neck could explode anytime. Contacted after hours clinic and waited two hours. I had to call them back just to be told it was up to me. Gggggggrrrrrr?! The nurse was not sure what I should do. Go to er for piece of mind or try to make it through the nigh. I am new at all this and every little thing scares the crap out of me. I was looking for a little guidancefrom my medical team but it was nowhere to be found. I have decided to wait it out and go somewhere in the morning. I just needed to vent because I was an emotional mess.

WC3

Nanomom11:

My port incisions were slow to heal during chemotherapy so I kept them dry and covered with a sterile covering. The first one healed with a fistula just because of tight skin, and they had to replace the port due to infection risk, and with the second port, the incision site healed but I had skin erosion and the port had to again be replaced. In both instances, I sent a photo to my MO and she got me in with the department that placed it.

nanette7fl

My port did okay. It was installed 2 weeks before chemo. It did take a bit to heal up good. I still have a purplish colored scar where the incision was made but as my daughter tells me "Mom your favorite xo is or is purple' lol

In the beginning it was difficult to sleep as I sleep on that side but i did find some small (4"x6") super soft pillows my granddaughters were using for their dolls that got borrowed.

Maire67

Nano. When in doubt get it checked out. I had a port problem. Ended up in the hospital . Doctors argued but finally removed the port. I had a thoracic surgeon put another port in on th opposite side. It worked well for the rest of treatment. Hope it resoves. It’s awful to go to ER now because of flu etc but better get it checked . If you have a fever definitely go and call oncologist service.

Nanomom11

Hi ladies. I am still trying to get someone to look at my port so I may be switching breast surgeons because the first one I think is tired of me. Today has been the best day with it but still uncomfortable. I also developed some kind of angry blood blister where they accessed it so now they have to look at that too. Maybe the last two days on the antibiotics will help. Thank you guys for all your imput. It really helps ease my anxiety