STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

AliceBastable

My hubby is more prone to showing emotion than I am. I snapped at him a few times when he'd go into Moan & Shoulder Rub mode right in the oncologist's office. I didn't want to have to think about his damn feelz while trying to pay attention to what the MO was saying. But he's been good otherwise - to the point where I haven't opened up to him much during the whole thing because I didn't want to stress him. Except right before the kidney surgery, I told him how scared I was of that. The breast stuff didn't bother me nearly as much, I guess because boobs aren't as essential. The best thing the husband did was taking me to parks after appointments; it was so helpful emotionally and physically and reminded me that cancer wasn't the only thing in my life at the time.

Micmel

I know when the shit starts to roll it's always down hill. All my life I've stayed on high ground. I figured I would avoid the shit... well I didn't. It came down on top of my head... flys and all. Cancer. Just when you're all busy living your life 😮 and maybe even you're incredibly happy and satisfied in every way! Finally comfortable in your own skin. What? An effing lump? Are you freaking kidding me??? I knew it the moment I reached up and felt it. I was a goner. Maybe not today, maybe not Tomorrow, and obviously today I sur pass the the grid of hell. Today I was diagnosed three years denovo! Here to three years of life , by also those three years were so so very hard!!

Mac. Sending hugs and love to you! ~M~

molliefish

Micmel congratulations. I'm happy you are here. Here's to three more, and three more and three more.

macb04

Ditto to what molliefish wrote Micmel. I can guess its been shitty, but you are going on and on, like the Energizer Bunny, despite a bit of low battery. Sorry the poor humor, but I admire you Micmel and wish you the best.

I could say that dh was only bad during bc troubles, but in actuality he has always been a somewhat poor husband. No help with my girls when they were babies. Always whined and moaned when he had to look after them for more than an hour. When I went to the gym(rarely), he would watch them for about 2 hours midmorning/early afternoon. He would feed himself earlier, and then forget all about feeding them. I would come home at 1pm and they were berserk with hunger. I finally started putting an alarm on the microwave. It would go off, he couldn't miss the giant sign taped to the microwave saying I left food for the girls in the frig.

That sounds crazy, it was not the relationship or husband of my dreams. I gave up work to stay home and raise my girls. Then the bc industry came knocking. I was broke, and trapped with really young children. He would say if he left, that he would go back to Ireland, and I wouldn't get a dime of support. So I stuck it out, and now back to work, but no savings yet, to speak of.

Artista964

What an ass macb. Hope some day soon you can buy him a 1 way ticket to Ireland. 😡

bcincolorado

Sounds like not only bad husband but bad dad to kids too. Know flight prices seem to get advertised as being low a few times a year to flights overseas. Start that savings.

macb04

Thanks Rosebella, and bcincolorado. Other people I spoke with about this said I should have walked off, rather than questioned him over pointing out something I hate above everything, ( positive media coverage of cancer). A friend said if I had walked off, then he wouldn't have gotten angry, cursed and yelled and thrown the remote across the room. I don't feel it's fair to me, I am only asking him to respect my wishes not to see stuff like that in my own house. He didn't have to make me look up from my book to see that.

If I get up every time he puts that stuff on TV, then I am hostage to his capricious and inconsiderate whims. Those awful commercials with bald children come on certain channels he likes to watch all the time. His disrespect of my views has influenced my girls to some degree. They don't remember all of it, how bad it was.

I think that he wants to move back into our old house if the tenants move out. I have thought recently if he did move out, that I would make a MIL apartment in the basement, so I could get help paying the bills/mortgage.

DancingElizabeth

MacbO4 - I'm so sorry about you're DH is acting like such a FH. My DH (who can, also, be a bit of a FH), compares my BC to his sleep apnea. GOD - how I *WISH* I *ONLY* had sleep fucking apnea!!! He's about 100 pounds overweight - too. Doesn't have the willpower to stop eating.

I've tried explaining to him my feelings and he says I'm playing the "cancer card". Steams me up - just to think he actually says that sh*t to me. WHO the F*CK WANTS to HAVE a cancer card - in the 1st place!?!!?

Some days - I wish he'd get cancer - just so he'd understand - that I'm not playing a fucking card. I've been dealt a fucking cluster-fuck of bad shit that can come back and kill me. (Of course - when I try to say that to anyone - I get the "no-one knows when they are going to die") F*ck that. Sorry for all my "f*cks!!!" Just feeling MAD today!!!!!

DancingElizabeth

Micmel - Cancer-versaries - SUCK. I feel a lot like the way you do. I miss my life - BEFORE - cancer. I miss feeling pretty. I miss feeling healthy. I miss feeling safe. I feel like it's gone forever. Stage 3, aggressive, over 6 inches and 3 lymph nodes. Every MO I went to explained how high risk I am. I know staying away from mets, can not last forever. Feeling safe - that feeling - I'll never have again.

Just feeling really sad and mad today....

bcincolorado

But is just the "new normal" commercial gets my goat every time I see that one I want to just scream at the TV. Like just get over it and adjust to life with cancer over your head all the time. Doesn't matter what kind or how aggressive it is, once you have it the fear never goes away. The drug companies should not be allowed to advertise if you ask me. Would make all our lives easier.

Micmel

Dancing~you're not alone.....no you're not. I feel everything you feel. ! Cancer is evil pure and simple. It just reminds me that I have been suffering for three years. Some people say “oh you should be celebrating" seriously. Uh no. I see NO reason at all to celebrate that day that I was walking down a hallway hand and hand with my precious DH and was pushed into another world. With no hope of coming back. Same people and same faces, going on about their lives as ours came to a screeching halt, not knowing if during the summer we would be planning a vacation or my funeral. It was terror at the most heightened possibility short of being on my death bed I could ever feel. Sheer terror raced through my mind and my chest exploded realizing they were in fact speaking about me. I was the patient it was my oncologist saying “Within one to three years cancer will take your life". Ahh thanks dude. Have a nice day. Well he was wrong. I'm still here suffering physically with limitations that annoy me to no end. Mentally I'm trashed and emotionally drained. Everyday takes effort that I'm loosing. Waking up is work. I can't even tell you what I'll be able to do from day to day. New normal my ass. Nothing normal about the way we are forced to live. I try to be thankful im in remission. But I am still stuck in this failing body and still feel awful side effects from chemo I'll never be off of, and have already had.Actually the chemo could get worse if and when ibrance fails for me. Torture and terror. Plain and simple.... hugs you strong ladies. I feel every thing you feel or I have in the past.

Goodnight ladies. ~M~

macb04

DancingElizabeth, you are right, he is a shitty f*cker of a husband. He has said stuff about we all die, blah, blah, blah. I will admit it, I didn't feel too bad when he had melanoma taken off his back. Or when he broke his leg. I had 17 surgeries in a hellish 4 year span of time. He used to say shit like I had no tolerance to pain. Hell, I was in Labor for 21 hours with my youngest. . Told him he was a lightweight, couldn't stand real suffering. That made him mad, and I was GLAD. Finally he had just the smallest, most infinitesimal fraction of the misery and pain I endured. I would always try and take the high road, but finally I am worn out. I feel like he is okay with hurting me if he feels like he wants to say something, he is entitled to say whatever the hell he wants, no matter if it guts my heart.

I don't want to become a spiteful, cruel person, so I am withdrawing bit by painful bit from my marriage. People say things like, don't I want to save my marriage? I can't possibly do it by myself. I have told him that expression, Happy wife, happy life. He says bullshit. My happiness means very little, and it's the saddest thing to me. All my efforts for naught, except my for girls. Thank God for them.

macb04

bcincolorado, they should ban those damn commercials. They even have that shit on the radio. It's like they hijack our lives, and then we are never free from those stinking bastards. Cursed be their names, all of them.

Micmel, I am so sad to see you suffer, they should do an infinitely better job of treating and caring for us all. They should feel ashamed, most of them. Only the rare person was considerate, was compassionate. Often felt just like a number, like a piece of meat. I don't know if they all started off evil, or just had erosion of their heart from burnout, knowing how useless the bc industry shit is. The least they could do is be kind.

SuefromSydney

just a small whimper: It’s been so lonely. I would have loved people to visit, just drop in for a minute, join me for a walk or coffee without me organising it. In over six months that’s happened a handful of times. My family were so good as much as possible

I’m very self sufficient and capable normally. Maybe I scare people. Maybe people are just so used to me being the organiser. I’m an extrovert, I need people because that’s where my energy comes from. But I was sad and lonely so many days.

That’s all. I’ll get over it, of course.

mara51506

Macb, all I want to say is I am so sorry you have been so emotionally abused for so long on top of the stupid cancer. You are right, your daughters are the best thing to come out of it. I am unmarried so will not offer marriage advice but do make sure you build good supports with others. Your husband will likely behave the same but if you are supported, it won't be as impactful to your emotional state.

Artista964

I hate the new normal commercials too. But the message should be you need to live life to your fullest each day. We go through this with my dad. He's ever so slowly beginning to adjust to his left side disability from a stroke. He went through the denial then anger phase which is normal but is stuck in fear and despair. This causes additional stress on his body affecting his physical and mental abilities. His PT is Buddhist and works on the complete picture. We understand the frustration of being limited and needing help. He's been on his own for 35 years fiercely independent and active. And the fear that if you stroke, the chances of more goes up. But wasting a day of what if is a waste. Those who do well make lemonade out of lemons. Doesn't mean they are stress free and carefree but that they are handling it better and so the stress and the uglies it does to your body is lower.

mistyeyes

SuefromSydney - I am sorry that you are so lonely. Grab a cup of coffee and pretend we are all sitting around a table and chat with us!

You can always just keep telling people to stop in when they are in the area, they may not know how you feel and don't want to intrude if you don't feel well. Or the next time you walk with someone, tell them to give you a call next time they want to walk.

jaycee49

Just a few things people have said to me lately:

"Now how long have you been cancer-free?" My dental hygienist said that. I am stage IV. She knows that.

"Why can't you just be cured like Jimmy Carter?" DH

"Don't you just want to do chemo and get rid of it?" Radiation oncology nurse who escorted me to my Pet scan yesterday. I guess that's why she is on escort duty.

"So you'll be taking medicine forever?" Sister-in-law. Also knows I have stage IV.

I'm also getting pretty upset by how ignored and misunderstood people with stage III are. The forgotten group. But if people can say the above things, maybe we are all forgotten, ignored and misunderstood. It just takes too much effort to explain and understand.

Versenio commercial on RIGHT NOW. I guess I am not RELENTLESS enough because I take a week off Ibrance every month.

bcincolorado

SuefromSydney I bet you are right--often people either over-react to your cancer or ignore it and you because they have no idea how to say anything at all. They do not understand that you are a person and not just "cancer" and might like a nice distraction from time to time.

AliceBastable

SuefromSydney, I also am disturbed by how uncaring most relatives and friends have been. The only two friends who reached out are both women with cancer, so they know - and I've been sure to stay in contact with them to check on how they're doing now. My sister would occasionally ask via text, but then change the subject before I could respond. Most of hubby's brothers and spouses acted like they knew nothing about it when we saw them last month, except for one who said I was "all over Facebook with it." Sheesh, all I did was mention when I was having surgery, and a small yippee when I finished radiation. Can't please anyone. I got one flower arrangement from Hubby's place of work, and a couple odd (but I guess well-meaning) cards from my sister. Oh, and an offer from a new niece-in-law to do anything I needed. No offers from anyone to go for lunch, or take a walk together. Poo. I feel like most of my relationships are much more superficial than I had thought.

Let's have cyber-drinks together! Everyone is welcome. 🍷🍹🍸

bella2013

Alice, I am bringing Gin for a Gin Martini🍸👍

SuefromSydney

espresso martinis are a good melding of coffee and drinks, and probably still taste good with chemo taste buds;-)

Thanks for the encouragement guys! I don’t think people are uncaring, just busy. And we sometimes are too, with appointments, work and family. I’m sure I wouldn’t have done any better, but I’ve certainly learned a lot about what not to say. “Let me know if you need anything “ would be top of that list.

A book I’ve been reading (can’t remember which one, of course) talks about people who are suffering needing to feel accompanied. I think that really nails it.

Love yez all

bcincolorado

A second person with you to be your brain is definitely helpful when yours is mush.

bcincolorado

Watching my favorite medical escape Grey's Anatomy and loved a line about "yes I'm playing the cancer card because I"M THE ONE WITH THE CANCER!!!" Want to scream that sometimes at people who look like I lost my mind.

Snickersmom

Hey mistyeyes - I'm in The Villages. Do you ever come over this way?

Snickersmom/Ann

runor

I hate....

How I feel right now, in this moment. In this long, dreary, STUPID winter. In the lack of sun. I hate that I don't have any close friends to go have coffee with and that even if I did, I have lost the will to brush my teeth or put on pants. I hate that I have begun to feel inept, wrong, awkward, stupid, pathetic and pointless around people. I hate that people ask me how I am and I answer honestly, to some of them. When I am honest I say, I am fine except for the mess between my ears that haunts me day and night with such obliterating sorrow that I can't put my pants on anymore! And for my honesty they ask me less often so I hate that my truth is an ugly story no one wants to hear and most of the time I am sick of the sound of my own voice.

I hate the debate in my head that rages and I never feel better for having it. One voice says, wow, did you ever fall apart at the reminder that you are going to die, you do know that you were always going to die, right? Maybe I did know it, on some level. On some level that I was perfectly good at ignoring, thank you very much. And now, it's all I see, like a pair of sticky cancer contact lenses, EVERYTHING is filtered through this shit that I can't UNknow. Oh yes, life goes on and I got on and that is what people want to hear and I put on a good show. Pipp pipp old girl, tally ho, carry on, stiff upper lift, onward and upward. Oh my god. I want to bend over at the waist and heave and heave and heave until I vomit out that bitter, ugly wad of misery that rammed its way into the center of my being when the doctor said, it's cancer.

I hate how this diagnosis made ABSOLUTELY NOTHING clear. Okay, we have to live each day. Doing the dishes? Cooking meals? Vacuuming the floor, scrubbing the toilet, washing the windows, opening the mail. mopping, washing, folding........ I know I am lucky to be here to do these things, KNOWING it is not FEELING it. I feel doomed. Like a big clock is ticking (because let's face it, it is!) and this movie life of sudden clarity, vision and completion of Really Important Life Goals isn't happening! I am not a movie star and if this is a script, it's a shitty one.

(letting out big sigh) If some genni popped out of a bottle now and granted me 3 wishes, what would they be? Hmmm.... based only on my feelings at this moment they would be

1) to have my daughter back for a day as a chubby, curly haired, velvet skinned toddler so I could scoop her into my arms and bury my face in her neck and breathe her in and hold her in my arms until she falls asleep.

2) to have my husband look at me like I was desireable, as if I was beautiful, as if I was not old and sagging and fat.

3) to live as if I was going to live forever then to drop dead suddenly without ever seeing it coming, to die dancing like a fool wearing bizarre clothing and huge jewelry.

This cloud will lift. I have to believe that. But I hate it. I hate that this cloud lifts but never leaves my horizon anymore. I live in a very small weather pattern these days. Clear days and violent storms. I am thankful for my life and hate that this is my life. I hate that I am, apparently, bat shit crazy.

AliceBastable

I guess one advantage of this not being my first cancer rodeo is that the actual cancers haven't freaked me out. I do worry about running out of body parts, though! I hate this gloomy winter weather because I can't get out and do the walking in parks I started doing last year. After every doctor visit or procedure, hubby would take me to a park so I'd have some mental balance and not be stuck in cancer mode. Well, I had to wait a few days after the lumpectomy and re-excision, and about a week after the nephrectomy - I had a few days after that one where I wondered if I'd ever feel human again. But I gradually did, and although I've gained some twinges, I've lost others. I hope I don't crack while waiting for better weather, because sometimes I think those outings were the ONLY things keeping me sane. I'm worried that I'll get Tamoxifen crazy with no outlet, but so far, I haven't snapped. Yet.

Snickersmom

Runor - if you are bat shit crazy, I am too. And I think we have a lot of company. Sometimes I just want to pound whatever is within reach and scream as loud as I can. But no, can't do that. Have to act like yup, the cancer is "gone" and so I need to get over it and go back to where I was. What?? that can never happen. can't go back because I don't have breasts anymore. Just scars. And they are my constant reminders. There's just no way to pretend nothing has changed. I still am waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. But I can't. So I have to do the best I can. Bat shit crazy? Yup.

Artista964

not trying to be disrespectful to those having a hard time. Feel bad for you all. But life has to go on. Living in mental misery is not living. Change what you can and work on adapting whether through support groups or working on your mind to see what you do have.

I used to be one in constant despair. I'm on meds and that helps. Looking at what you have vs what you don't anymore helped me. I'm sure some get angry at my posts, that I don't get it. But I do get it. I let my mind go down dark roads that made me suicidal twice and locked up. I was the but you don't understand even with counselors who went down my path. What did that get me. On top of that I had a fam that thought think positive was the cure. Nope. But meds and serious long term counseling and professional help and a lot of hard painful work by me has made my life better. Reading this thinking you don't get it, good for you but that's not me....was me. As hard as it sounds, we have a choice in how we interpret our situations. Some things can't change, but some things we have spinning in our minds making us nuts can by working hard on it and being grateful that it's not worse. All we really have is today, everyone sick or not. I know this is a sound off place and I hope you all are venting but are doing better irl. We all have our days. Mine is to do with my beloved dad. But have to go on.

With much ❤ to you all.

mara51506

Rosabella, I agree with you about not living in constant despair BUT the whole point of this is to allow us to vent here so we dont create stress at home. The people here can understand us. We support each other. As it says above, rant away.

My own stress has been tested with the recent death of my mother, family issues and getting ready to sell my home. It can take a long time to get distance from the sadness. I do find listening to hypnosis overnight helpful. It centres my mind. I also value this space where people dont need to tell me to get over it. If I've posted, that had been part of moving beyond a hurt.