BC has changed me

Djustme

Thanks everyone.  I am so glad that I do not have to have radiation or chemo! I watched my brother go through those for incureable brain cancer, so I feel for you guys (luckily prognosis for breast cancer is usually better).  My brother used to say "today is not a good day, but tomorrow will be better". He always pointed out the positive and bug the other patients until they had to smile. I'm sure he must have had alot of negative feelings as well, but he didn't have access to something like this to vent, and he insisted on always putting on a brave face for us. To this day, it is the one thing I regret not being able to provide him with.  Because I didn't want to cry in front of him, I never gave him an opportunity to cry.  I think that is why alot of people post their negative feelings. There are a lot of people they can put their 'brave' face on for, but harder to find people you can unburden on. 

But Grannydukes is right - in addition to venting we should also try to include a happy note when possible as well.  How is this one - napping is one of my new favorite passtimes! This is one of the few times in my life when I can nap guilt free - now there is a blessing!

FireKracker

Attention sistas......please please do me a favor...there is a new thread called LETS DRAFT A LETTER TO WASHINGTON.....something for all of us to do .....sistas helping sistas especially during the holiday season...i volunteered to help promote this thread and IMO this could just be the breakthrou we all are lookin for.just check it out.....if ya have any feedback i would be glad to help out here....im thrilled that this could work.

hugggggggs everyone K

ToriGirl

Granny--you are right, as always...it is the holiday season and through all the bad crap, there is the good stuff that makes me feel better and lets me know that someday (God willing) all the yucky events of the last 18 moments will be a distant, distant memory.  

I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for...a great husband, great family, my family here..and the list goes on...

It's time to turn the frown upside down (as much as we can)....and believe that better days lie ahead for all of us...

This is just a great place to be when I need to vent and get things off my chest as I find my way to those better days...It really does make me feel better to vent a bit, and maybe, just maybe that may get me to a better place quicker.... 

Much love and God bless,

Tori 

FireKracker

Thats my Torigirl...we walked the walk now we gotta talk the talk....remember when?

kal21

 I am not good at these boards.. how do i get to the writing letters to DC?

Reality

Djustme - you are right - this is the one place we can vent and not put on a fake happy face. Chemo and radiation are so draining - physically, yes - but especially emotionally. 

Reality

....also, Djustme - I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I know what you mean about BC prognosis usually being better than incurable brain cancer, but one of my greatest fears about this disease is that it can lead to brain mets, liver mets and lung mets. 

ToriGirl

"Emotional upheaval"...is a good way to put it...It comes and goes..sometimes when I don't even expect it...it can be exhausting, can't it?

Does the dust ever settle or does it just get blown around each time we think about everything we have been though? 

Tori 

msphil

Hello, yes it is truly life changing, one minute I was preparing for our wedding and next I felt a big lump, but I went through my life up to then wondering what my Purpose in life was, I am a Catholic, born and raised, But I say Christian,and I used to ask my Mom what she thought my Mission here on earth was, as my mother take  a guess I would say. She answered, " I don,t know but God will bring it to you some day,after all treatment was complete and I was on the road to recovery, I knew what it was, God did not mean for me to pass from this disease, my mission IS to help others get through, how could I help others if I had Not gone thru myself, and now next week December 17 th it will be 18 yrs cancer free (SURVIVOR) and I have tried so very hard to continue my Mission here on earth, I crocet hats every so many months for those when hair is coming out, Iwrite articles and pass them out in my church and at the cancer suites,I           have given donations from my Book, "The Healings Of Breast Cancer" A Physical And Spiritual Healing Of My Body And Soul. Yes my life is more Complete Now that I know what my Purpose is for being here.  God Bless.  msphil (idc, stage 2, 3 nodes, chemo and rads and reconstruction, but my body rejected it,,so i now wear a prothesis in my bra, I sew in the pockets.

Djustme

Thanks Anandagram.  I think even in my case where the doctors tell me that it is highly unlikely I will have further issues from the breast that was removed - it does not keep me from the fear - whether it is a rational fear or not, that I will end up dying from it in the end.  And I feel for those of you who are in a lot more critical condition than I.  The fear is the worst. I don't think my emotions will really be under control until I have survived for several years cancer free.  One minute I think I am back on track and the next I am crying uncontrollably.  I assume that part of this is due to the bc experience, but also partly to remembering my brother's experience (he died Sept 2004).  My brother would have done anything to still be here - so I have to find a way to turn this into something that inspires me to live the life he couldn't.

ToriGirl

Thank you msphil...I see you post often and am inspired by you!  I too, hope and pray that I can be there for someone else to give them comfort and support.... 

God bless you for many, many more happy, healthy years! 

Tori 

Mollydog

Yes. Yes.  Yes.  CLC, your original post is so well put.  I tell people that people come thru cancer feeling one of two ways:  1)  either happy to be alive and feeling loved and embraced by all or 2)  is this all there is and the status quo is not good enough anymore.

I can tell you, I made it thru the first 12 months of cancer like a little soldier.  I marched thru the diagnosis, chemo, radiation, multiple surgeries.  Didn't ask too many questions and did what I was told.  Suddenly, the second year rolled around, and I hit a wall and basically cried everyday for two plus years.  With some perspective now, I liken it to a midlife crisis. It's been very difficult and very painful.

lovemyfamilysomuch

I hear you sisters xo

Djustme

Mollydog - my expectation was that I should feel as you said - happy to be alive and loved by all. So I keep thinking 'what the heck is wrong with me'. My husband has been more thoughtful and helpful in the last three months than he has been in our 16 years of marriage - I should be elated about that. He says I am building a wall around me and retreating into it and he is concerned - normally he would not have even noticed.  The only times I truly feel joy is when I see my son, and sometimes when I'm at church.  So I think I would definately put myself in the second category - is this all there is? I have gone back to work half days but find it hard to care about what I am doing. I didn't know anyone else felt that way.  I'm thinking about getting some counselling in the neew year. But also about doing something with kids - since kids make me happy - it could end up being the new sense of purpose that I am looking for.

Merilee

Nothing like mortality in your face to make you realize that you want something different or more. I am with you all, and have decided to make a major career change after all of this. Something that makes me happy and aslo makes a diffrence in the world.

Claire_in_Seattle

I would say that life is a lot more vivid now.  I notice little things and am much more grateful for them.  So things like the fascinating skies here, flowers against brilliant green, or the perfect pear.

So many here are bitter.  I am not.  Grateful for the treatment I received which will lead to a long life I otherwise have been denied.

The surprise was that the after-effects of the hammering went on longer than I expected they would.  (I am still a Type A.)  It took a while to get my groove back.  Some of this was because I couldn't reconcile the lady I saw in the mirror with the person I was, or the person I would be once my hair grew out.  At this point, I am loving my new look.  I was overdue for a change anyway..

I am still relaunching my career, and writing a journal article with two colleagues.  This is very exciting.  Still need to make the right connections.  This has taken more work than I realized it would.  But I will get to a new and exciting place.

I can't think of anything I have stopped doing because of treatment.  I cycle and ski.  I hike.  I lead a full and active life.  I would like to travel more, but that has to wait until I get my career back on track.

Life is good, and I am ever so grateful for it.

CLC

Claire in Seattle...I am so grateful for your uplifting, forward-looking post.  I, too, don't feel bitter.  I am grateful for being able to stick around for my children, and for my husband, and for my best friend and for me.  I am also utterly confused by the fact that I seem to have woken up in a life that is perfectly ordered for the person I used to be.  I worked so hard to get everything the way it is.  It is just the way I wanted it.  But I feel like a new person...and I am now not the person for whom this life was so well ordered.

There is too much that I now have to do that I don't think is acceptable.  Not worthwhile.  Not the way I want to live.  I am not bitter.  I am a little lost...trying to figure out where I want to go next.  I never, ever expected this.  Sometimes, I feel a bit distraught by it all.  I continue to believe that I will sort it out.

Added to all this is this new inability to command my emotions.  That part is a little scary...for me and for my loved ones.  I think I will sort this out, too...  But it hasn't been easy...

I am reassured by the fact that you got your groove back...thank you for sharing.

Claire in New York...:)

wenweb

CLC You have hit a nerve with me.  I, like you and Claire_in_Seattle am not bitter.  I am however finding that my life is (as you say) has many aspects that I do not think are acceptable, worthwhile, nor the way I want to live.  And, I am very lost.  Trying to figure out where I want to go next seems to be consuming all of me.  There are days that I am so emotional, I wake up crying.  The aftermath has been much more difficult than actually hearing the words "you have breast cancer".  Sigh...deep breath...

CLC

wenweb...I can totally relate to "there are days that I am so emotional."  Last night, I sat in the living room staring at the Christmas tree and the tears just rolled.  I didn't even try to conceal them from my children.  I felt immobilized by the intensity of the emotion.  It passed, my kids never noticed anything and life moved forward again.  But, I am not entirely sure what the tears were for.  Then, later, I cried myself to sleep.  Just such intensity.

CLC

wenweb...I can totally relate to "there are days that I am so emotional."  Last night, I sat in the living room staring at the Christmas tree and the tears just rolled.  I didn't even try to conceal them from my children.  I felt immobilized by the intensity of the emotion.  It passed, my kids never noticed anything and life moved forward again.  But, I am not entirely sure what the tears were for.  Then, later, I cried myself to sleep.  Just such intensity.

Djustme

I don't think it's bitterness. I think the others hit the nail on the head when they say that they feel 'lost'.   It's just that I expected to feel fulll of graditude - and the fact that I don't makes me feel a bit cheated.  I don't mean I'm not glad to be alive, it's just that I thought I would feel full of happiness, with a renewed love of life. A sort of get out of depression free card.  I didn't expect to be depressed, or have mood swings. Like Wenweb and CLC said, I feel like I have been deposited into a life that either isn't mine or isn't organized the way I would like.  I guess it is because your priorities change, that it feels this way. And I hope that time will be my friend in sorting this out. But I guess like everything, I'm going to have to make it happen, Getting to the point where I am full of gratitude and full of life is going to take work - I was kind of hoping it was automatic after facing something like this.

FLwarrior

Claire in Seattle, Thank you for sharing.  I really do hope to get to the point you are at!  I want to be able to appreciate all of the beauty around me like you are doing.  Oh to be grateful and thankful again!  I used to "live" life and I want to get back to that point.  I have always been active, but during treatment I really slowed down.  My mom was here to help me and I tried to do things where I could include her. (Not an excuse...I know.)  I missed kayaking this summer, but BS told me not to while I had the port in.   I had a very disappointing attempt at riding my bike, which I rode a lot before dx.  I guess it was too soon after chemo...my legs were like spaghetti noodles and they just could not pedal me around...I was so sad and disappointed that I haven't tried again.  Now that more time has passed I think I should try again. 

I think I hear an echo in here!!!  CLC and wenweb and Djustme I feel the exact same way!  I too feel like I have been deposited in a life that doesn't belong to me.  I don't even recognize the reflection that stares at me from the mirror.  Everything you both said describes me too.  Many tears here too.

FireKracker

I was walkin in a dept.store and i came face to face with a mirror.and what did i say?????i know her but i did not recognize myself.i swear i did not know it was me...i looked sooo angry!!!!! whats happening here??????

i did not like the new me!!!!

Hope60

Hi ladies -  I'm so happy I found you on this thread.  I felt very alone, but reading through your posts, I hear a little bit of myself in every one of them.  BC has definitely changed me,  inside and out.  Definitely relate to feeling grateful,  knowing what's important, and not sweating the small stuff. But I've also found the time since I finished treatment (last March) to be very hard. I feel like I've had a life changing experience, then went back to the same old life....and it's just not working out. I'm back to the same soul sucking job I hated before cancer....but now I feel trapped there because of the health insurance. It's like being in jail. Other things in my life that weren't great now seem worse, because I also have the cloud of cancer hanging over me.  I haven't found the path forward yet, and and there's like a tape in my head that keeps saying "you're  wasting time, you're wasting time....."  Thanks for listening.

FLwarrior

Hi Hope, Glad you found us, just wish none of us needed to be here.  It does feel good to know that there are others having the same or similar experiences.  Gee, I have a copy of your tape playing in my head...

Claire_in_Seattle

FL warrior......

I rode all through treatment other than the weekend immediately following my lumpectomy.  I agree that kayaking with a port in would not have been a good idea.  In fact, my "cycling through chemo" has sort of backfired on me.  I NEVER AGAIN have an excuse not to go out there and cycle when the weather is drizzly.

On a more serious note, you will get stronger.  It will take some discpline but your stamina will come back.  You might find energy gels helpful to give you an extra boost.  I found that I was really scared to go x-country skiing a year ago.  It took about a mile to get my groove back, and then I was fine.  You are stronger than you think you are.

I need to get up there and ski again, but have been procrastinating, this time because my ankle is still really sore.  This from a crash back in June, and then doing major summer rides before I had healed.

I find I have to do ~60 miles of cycling, 10 miles of walking, and my weekday weights/crunches routine each week or else I can't eat as I like.  Now, that is something that would put me in a foul mood, as good food is very important to me.

Also, I just have to be out in Nature.  So gorgeous and always something fun to see.  Such as the bald eagle who was fishing.  We got close as he was far more interested in dinner than in us.   Or the water buffalo who were taking a snooze in the cold drizzle.  Or the chicken who has a good life in a condo development.  He moved in when he learned the worms were just great in the organic lawn.  Or the bored horse, who I swear wanted to join me on my ride.

Plus, of course, I look just fine in spandex on top of being fit and strong.  But it does take discipline to get there. - Claire

Hope60

 FLwarrior -  I hate that we all need to be here, and I'm sorry you're also listening to that damn tape... if only we could just hit an "off" switch or something

wenweb

  I definately feel trapped in my job for the insurance.  It has to do with losing control and being forced into a situation I didn't ask for.  Knowing that I have no choice makes me balk.  That takes the joy out of a job that for the most part I enjoy.  

It is comforting to know that there are many who truly understand.  Misery loves company as the saying goes. 

FireKracker

For me i had to take so much crap from bosses because i was a single mom with 4 kids and i needed my job.sooooo i finally retired after takin all this shit and get bc.dont need the job.dont need the insurance(thank GOD) now all i have to do is find this new me!!!!!

cycle_babe

Claire - I don't know how you do it. I used to have the same type of stamina to ride 30-50 miles not to mention skiing. I am lucky if I can do 10 miles now. And I am no where near ready for skis. It is so depressing. The info you shared, while it sounds easy, is truly not attainable for those of us who have been beaten up over the consequences of our diagnosis's. Am I the only one who has lost all motivation to exercise and eat right? I do drink a lot of red wine. That is the only thing that motivates me lately.

Oh, I am uninsured and found out that I am uninsurable. Great huh? I hope you other ladies are feeling better about things.

Grannyduke,  I like that you are looking for the new you. It gives me hope that I can find peace with the new me.