BC has changed me

wenweb

CLC, Congrats on your first anniversary.  It seems like it should be celebratory and at the same time it is also sad.  Celebratory because we are alive, sad because it reminds us of what we have been and continue to go through.  I have for the past 2 anniversaries celebrated with champagne, this year (my third) I just let slip by inside of myself.

 Like yourself, I had set limits on what I was willing to accept in my marriage.  The ball was in my husbands court...  Unfortunately, he dropped it .   I am at a loss now as I had let up my guard.  I know what I have to do, but I am out of emotional energy.

I hope that your run went well.  I am a runner myself, but give myself lots of permission not to run when I don't feel like it.  Apparently for me it's like cleaning the house.  The opportunity to run is always there as well as the dust and cluter...

Best to all

CLC

wenweb....I am sorry your husband dropped the ball.  Whatever happens, I hope you find the space and energy to be kind to yourself.  You may know what you have to do, but you don't need to do it on any particular time schedule.  I hope you don't knock yourself for not necessarily plunging head first into what you have to do.  I frequently have to remind myself that I am allowed to not be perfect...even when it has to do with doing what is right for me myself.

Dust and clutter be da&*^ed...  I opt for sunshine! 

I never was a runner until 2 years ago.  I am so glad it is now a part of my life.  I think you are right to only run when you want to.  It should be enjoyable...

Life should be fulfilling, but it also should be enjoyed.

Wishing everyone fulfillment and enjoyment.  And sunshine.

wenweb

CLC  You are correct in that I do not have to be on any time shedule.  This is what I (as well as my therapist) have said all along.  I'm at the point where there is no peacefulness in my life, something  I dearly need.  Running helps that alot, it's just that after being a runner for nearly 33 years, I need a break from that too!!  I won't go on about the chores and cooking...

Thanks for your reply

CLC

Wendy...I would like to just send you a hug. It sounds to me like you could use one. I am not a huggy person, generally. But husbands that drop balls and routines that demand breaking necessitate hugs sometimes....((((Wendy)))).  I hope you are treating yourself as gently and as well as you can. 

Claire

wenweb

Thank-you Claire for your heartfelt kindness and concern.  As my grandmother used to say "this too shall pass", and, I know in my heart that it will.  I also am aware that I am not the only one  going through trials and heartache.  I wish you the best with an easier year to come!

Wendy 

sunflowergirl99

Thanks everyone for sharing their heartfelt emotions. I finished rads two weeks ago tomorrow and I know that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful, I am also tired,confused, exhausted physically and as much or more mentally. I am ate up with fear of it coming back. I feel like I am sinking "back" into a depression. Funny how through the dx, surgery, recovery and rads, I put my big girl panties on , big smile on my face and was Ms. Positive through all of it. Where did she go? I don't want to be depressed, I want to do something but my bed and a little work is all I seem to be doing.

I'm sorry for putting a "downer " post on here but I need some encouragement in a big way. I am so tired of crying and feeling sad and tired of being tired. I feel so worthless.

proudtospin

sunflower, I remember the RO telling me to plan my post rad vacation-celebration.  Many folks do, I did not but I sure did rest a lot.  Then again, I started increasing my gym time, signed up with a trainer and do believe that saved my life.  And now, when I have one of those tests or such, I have a spa day before the event.  My onco laughs at my and my BS, well she just joined my gym!

do something for yourself♥ 

sunflowergirl99

Thx proudtospin. We're you active b4 your dx? How soon after you completed your rads did u start to exercise . I get out of breath going up the stairs in my house.

proudtospin

I was active before diagnosis (the name proud-to-spin refers to my being the OLDEST crazy person in the spin class!)  I actually kept at the gym (not spin but easier stuff) all during treatment.  No pool doring rads but it kept my brain in gear.  I live alone and my family was of no support to me.  I needed the social contact.  Soon as rads were done, I rested up then back at the gym, found a divine trainer who helped me get my act back.  He never got creeped out when I would talk about the stuff.  My BS was all for it and well, do believe it is huge for me.  I went to the gym about twice a week before diagnosis but after starting up with the trainer, up to 4 times a week.

Helps the brain and the body!  If you have a YMCA near you, look into the Livestrong program as it is FREE to survivors and created to get your butt out of the chair. 

nibbana

Man, 11 pages and I'm just finding this thread? 

I can sure relate, I've been angry for months after I diagnosed. I'm getting better, since I've been reading on the mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques in the book Full Catastrophe Living. I've had to figure out this myself, because the lack of emotional support to cancer patients is appaling. And I live in a major city with cutting edge cancer centers (we treated Jose Carreras when he had leukemia.)

Got to go, will check in later.

sunflowergirl99

Proudtospin, thx for the advice. I was just getting active 2months b4 this started, bought a bike was/still renting a place in Florida and was starting to ride my bike a lot when I came home to Arkansas in May and got dx, so my bike sits, I sit and I'm still having to pay that rent but that's another pity party I won,t go to today. U inspired me, I went downstairs and walked 16 min on my treadmill. Nothing in the exercise world but a big deal in my world today. Thanks!

proudtospin

biking is great, the outdoor air...blows the fog out of the brain cells

keep moving, any thing at all and just take one foot at a time and you WILL get past it!  

CLC

sunflower...16 minutes on a treadmill is something in the exercise world...it is awesome!  When I started exercising, I could walk for 20 minutes.  That is all.  80 pounds less and 6 years later, I am running for 75 minutes.  It all starts with a step.  And the first step is the one to be most proud of...because it is the hardest to take.  They get easier and easier and easier, each step you take.  So, the way I see it, your 16 minutes deserve a whole lot more cheering than my 75 minutes....So YEAH!! YEAH!!! YEAH!!!!!

Don't forget other things that make you feel good too!  Like uplifting music, sunshine, good books.  Anything that makes you feel good.  Fake it 'til you make it, as they say.

I don't want to sound pollyanna-ish.  I know the dark feelings.  But sometimes, it really does take deciding.  There are two sayings I have written on my office wall:  "Happiness is a choice."  and my tagline "Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you."  I rely on those heavily.  Some days they don't work.  Most days they do.

I hope you are feeling better.  Wishing you all the best,

Claire

CLC

nibbana...I love the stuff on mindfulness.  I am not very good at being mindful, but it does help when I can do it.  I tried meditating.  During that time, I heard someone on the radio discussing mindfulness.  The gentleman made the point that the word happiness comes from the word happens.  That being happy is immersing yourself in things as they happen.  It resonated with me and my focus phrase in meditating became "as it happens".  I found it very helpful.  It still works for me at times, though I am not meditating right now.

It is amazing how little actual support there is, even with the immense number of bc survivors out there.  I am glad you have found something that works for you.

Brooklynmom

Hi I'm so glad I found this thread - I so relate. BC is an ultimate BS cutter Midway through radiation - I know I have been irreversibly changed. It can be a great thing and it can be really hard at times. I feel like two people - one who wants support and comfort and understanding around bc and all the changes and feelings that come with it , and one who wants to just keep going forward - it's not the only part of me. I feel both really sad and know that there is hope - somewhere , sometime , just not today

evergreen9

Breast cancer changed me for sure. Looking down the tube at my death, planning my funeral as I tried to sleep at night, cleaning out all my closets last winter so that my husband didn't have that job, down the road. I'm still here, luckily, but I have changed!

I realized that my husband was even more special than my wildest dreams, as we travelled the diagnosis and treatment journey together. After 45 years of marriage, I hold his hand as we sleep at night, remembering how he helped me thru chemo. I was reminded of the power and need for friendships. My best friends were there for me big time, and did I love them for it! I also learned to distinguish between fair-weather friends and true friends, and I am now much more fussy re how I spend my time. I save my spare time for my real friends, and do not feel guilty turning down some invites where I would be going to be polite. I savour nature and marvel at its complexity. I abandon my "to-do" list and am more impulsive re last-minute invites. I cherish each day, and hate to turn out the lights at night.

I guess I have learned that even cancer can have positive results.....

Denise-G

Evergreen9 - beautifully said and I aspire to be like you!  I am in the midst of my one

year Cancerversary.  I have learned many of things you spoke of and am trying to

implement them into my life!  Thank you!!

evergreen9

Denise-G, I am glad you could identify with my post....

Sometimes I feel guilty re cooling some previous relationships with the fair-weather friends I spoke of, and I feel like a "bad" person. But my friend (who also happens to be a psychologist), tells me I have the right to make those decisions, and that helps me somewhat.....

CLC

Wow.  I wrote that OP over two years ago. Two years that saw incredible change. I am now separated from my husband (only still married legally for insurance purposes), I am madly in love with a man that is utterly kind and loving, taking work as just work. My kids are happier than they've ever been as I am engaging in life more than I ever have, shedding all sorts of social phobias and other fears, and taking my children right along with me. DCIS and facing the cancer word utterly and completely changed me. It was a terrifying experience and I was very fortunate to escape with a stage 0 diagnosis.  And I am not letting any more life get away from me. I am loving deeply and living deeply. I am grateful to be alive. I hope this post finds you each living equally fully. 

wenweb

Hi CLC, and WOW!!  I'm go glad to hear of the happy and healthy changes you have made for yourself.  I can hear the enthusiasm in your words. I am very happy for you!!

 Big changes for me as well.  I became divorced 2 weeks ago and will be moving to another state in 3 weeks to be close to my grown children.  It's not that I couldn't have divorced my husband if I hadn't gotten cancer, but I didn't.  What I have done, and am planning to do is not like anything I would have ever done.  I have turned into someone who has been living outside of their comfort zone in order to become the person I was meant to become.  Will wonders never cease.

All the best!

CLC

Wendy, once again, your words could be mine. "Living outside their comfort zone to become the person I was meant to become. Will wonders never cease."  Indeed. I hope your path is a glorious one.  

Hope14

I don't think anyone who faced cancer dx can stay the same and I relate to what you mentioned. As someone said before,we don't face death much often in life so we know more than anyone else the meaning and value of life and living..I don't like to tolerate things that I used to. Being around people I don't like,being forced,etc..however my fears about small things are gone,with a history of anxiety I know now what's really scary. But the good thing about bc that I feel l love my kids even more,my husband, although as you mentioned about counselling there was a time that I just needed to leave as our marriage had lots of a bumpy road but he's a good guy..so I know more the value of my real loved ones..I hope this is just a setback just like you I was diagnosed with Dcis. But no one knows,cancer is cancer and it's nasty..and it ruin our life with fear and anxiety..every day is different,,some days can be better..some are hard...I know my question is off topic but since you had little Dcis why did you opt for mastectomy? Thanks..

CLC

Hi, Hope. I opted for a mastectomy because I really wanted to avoid radiation. I had a history of lung disease. Moreover, I'd known two people who'd had devastating effects from radiation, one of whom was my mother. Since a lumpectomy would have required radiation with it, I opted for mastectomy. I also opted not to reconstruct. Now, 2.5 years later, I can say I am quite comfortable with those choices. They were the right ones for me. But that puts me in a much smaller group. Most people in my shoes probably do not go the same route. I can now also say that the decision has had no negative impact on developing a new relationship with a loving and kind man. Ironically, the mastectomy made me appreciate my body and my beauty more and my wonderful man loves that self-appreciation I now carry. As for learning the value of your loved ones, that was one  of the most important changes for me. I learned to accept help. I learned that my children and my best friend were there for me. Even though my kids were just 7 and 10 at my diagnosis, they needed to be able to help and so I learned that I must give them jobs to help me. I learned people want to help, yearn to. I learned that while my husband wanted to be there for me, he didn't know how and was too depressed and carried too much anger to move outside himself.  I think, though, that it is very important to remember that we are all different. My decisions were right for me. I am so glad I had the fortitude to make them, though there were many who pressured me to choose differently. For others, different decisions are the right ones. It is essential we all do our best to support their decisions as well, though we may not have taken the same path. In the end, if you stick with your gut and trust yourself, you are morelikely to have no regrets, too. 

wenweb

CLC,  Thank-you for your kind words!!