BC has changed me

CLC

My dx was pretty straight forward...low grade unifocal dcis...had
umx...no recon, no rads, no chemo.   No NED. 
Ready to move forward.  Feel
strong, healthy and unbelievably fortunate. 
 But I feel like I am looking at
the world with a new pair of eyes.  Or a
new heart.  I have always been patient
(maybe to a fault?).  I have been the
practical one.  I have been the
peacekeeper.  I have always had to unbury
my tightly controlled feelings.  But...now...suddenly...
I don't have time for bs.  I feel like I
have no room in my life for things that I don't want.  My feelings are not just bubbling to the
surface, they are streaming out of me.  I
can barely control telling others how it is and how I feel. 

I am not unhappy about any of this.  I think it is a good thing that I want my
life to be good.  That I am unwilling to
accept anyting less than a wonderful, beautiful life now.  But it is hard.  There are things in my life that I no longer
want to accept...a job where my supervisors make it more difficult for me to do a
good job, not easier, for example. 
Stresses within my marriage that I have always just put up with...that now
need to be addressed.  I am considering a
job change and I am seeking out marriage counseling.  I am being careful not to make any major
decisions as this is clearly a time of major upheaval for me...but I am having a
hard time because it is new to me to deal with my feelings just being out
there.  I am having a hard time because I
cannot accept things that I have always accepted and has made my life easier in
ways.

Has anyone else felt major emotional upheaval AFTER all the
dust had seemingly settled?  Everyone
else is just starting to relax about my dx. 
Me...I am just getting revved up.  
I feel like I have to quote Bette Davis....everyone hold on...it is going to
be a bumpy...night, month, season, year...

Anyone else who can relate to this?

suebak

BC had definitely changed me.  I was always right on top of things, everything had to be perfect, I would get worked up over things, that are really not important. I have learned to chill.  Nothing seems to bother me any more.  The things I thought were important pre bc, are not anymore. I am enjoying live, relaxing more, and just letting things roll off my shoulders.  I think I really like the new me.

mdg

I can totally relate.  I gave up a very lucrative career because I was unhappy and it was stressful.  DH and I moved out of state.  I am starting an art business and just being a mom/wife instead of full time working corporate woman.  I also have a lower threshold for stupid people and annoying things.  I find I want to run and hide when I get overwhelmed by things too.  I just started taking an anti depresant and my diagnosis was 11 months ago.  It is helping.  I can say that quittting my job has improved my family life and relationship with my DH.  That was a good move for us. 

dogeyed

CLC, I know what you mean about not having patience and feelings being on the surface.  In fact, I not only posted a few times about when I lost it, but also have read MANY other stories from other cancer sisters about this very thing.  Cancer is a shocking thing, we don't face death very often, so it's overwhelming.  I was able to work thru many of my issues on my own, but I am already under the care of a psychiatrist and take medicines for it.  Aside from that, walking is very good for stress, particularly in the great outdoors, very grounding.  Also, trying to stay in the now, while it postpones scary feelings, it does allow us to move forward and pile on the good experiences, putting space and time between us and cancer.  And then there's the quiet reminder to be kind that we all possess thanks to the Great Spirit, just takes practice.  We go from sick to well, it's important I think to make that switch.  But then all of us cancer people know it's a disease that can come back, a very unsettling feeling, but I've tried to liken it to how we all know the stats of getting in a car wreck, and yet we get in a car with our kids in tow and drive away, for we CHOOSE to live.  Hope some of my thoughts help.  GG

Merilee

I am with you all, life changing is an understatment.

CLC

Thank you all for your reaffirming thoughts...  As has been the case since my dx, I have gotten comfort at bco in finding out I am not the only one... 

I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving...one filled with all the things you are most thankful for.  I will strive to fill mine with just that...and know that by next Thanksgiving, I will have moved even further along the path of a fulfilling life.

momand2kids

Yup--- completely changed... from the outside, life looks the same--but in my head??? Oh, no.  I don't suffer fools gladly, not interested in dealing with people of no substance, don't take my work too seriously any more--career is not everything, I hug my kids several extra times a day and try to be very intentional in every interaction I have with people who matter to me.  

3 years ago I sat at the Thanksgiving table two days post-lumpectomy-- I was exhausted and anxious about the unknown.... but I was thankful for all the wonderful care I received.  Now, I am thankful for my excellent health and my understanding that life is indeed finite and I must make the best of it.

Sun is rising here in the east and it is lovely....

Happy Thanksgiving

CLC

I like the phrase "don't suffer fools gladly."  Not one I have ever had occasion to use.  But I will now.  It is all so hard, though...  Because I have always suffered fools willingly.  I am like a duck out of water.  I am a little fearful that I will alienate everyone around me, have no job and be divorced if I am not very careful...  Mind you, I am a person regarded as exceptionally patient and kind, compromising and flexible and a consumate professional... I have few tools for this other way of living...  But I will find them.

momand2kids

clc

I am all those things as well-- always considered very patient, kind, flexible, professional..... but I was really impatient (I just hid it really well) .  I am still all of those things, I just don't make time in my life for other people's drama--- they can have it, I have other things to do.  I don't make a big deal of it but I really don't spend one minute any more with people I don't like or I find emotionally draining.  Again, no big actions, I just move on.....

I still have my senior executive job, still married and still have most of my friends.  I  think it is more a mental state of mind than anything else.  I just know myself so much better now, and know what I will and won't tolerate in my life..... You will do just fine....

CLC

momand2kids...thank you for the encouragement.:)

It is comforting to read the words "You will do just fine..."

I know I will.  But these new challenges are definitely new and definitely challenges.  So thank you for reminding me that I will sort it out...  And letting me know that you have...

wenweb

To CLC and everyone who has posted on this thread.  I have been reading it while away for the holiday, dying to jump in.  

Not to be discouraging to anyone, but it is astounding to me how many of us are 2-3+ years out from DX, and find that our lives are still turned upside down (this noted from other threads as well).  Some of the phrases that CLC used, really hit home for me. "Cannot accept things I have aways accepted, major emotional upheaval, feelings bubbling out of me"  I have had all of those things happen to me.

I too am considered kind, patient, professional, honest etc.  Now, my life is turned upsidedown, and I am filled with anxiety.  This is all my own doing, since I decided that I needed to be true to me.  That was the one major thing that I had denied myself my entire life.  I am 57.  The funny thing is that my DX was hardly life threatening.  None the less, I have been affected in a profound way.  I think that I was the fool.

It's nice to know that we are here for each other, able to understand in a way that most would not, making this a safe place to "unload".  Thanks all.

Wendy 

odie16

I can definitely relate. I admit I have never had alot of patience nor do I suffer fools well but find that I have less patience for stupid than ever before. l have always been easy going and realistic which still remains my core. However I have a new appreciation for the little things and find the things that used to be important, just really aren't anymore. Currently I am more emotional than usual but I am hoping that will ease off once things get back to my new normal...

momand2kids

You know, for many of us, these dx come at an age (40's and 50's) where in general, most women have had it with not being truly authentic--add that exasperation to a breast cancer dx, well, who knows what will happen then???? 

 In many ways, the middle of one's life causes lots of questions anyway and breast cancer then adds more questions.... so, it is hard to say if bc caused the questioning or if it would have happened anyway.  It is kind of like the SE's from the drugs--lots of people of a certain age have joint pain--- and if we have joint pain from the drugs-it is hard to know if we would have had it anyway as we age..... 

 I am 3 years out from dx and things really have settled down.  But I no longer worry about the things I used to worry about--money, time, etc.  It is what it is... and I am just trying to enjoy it every day.....

Merilee

Hmmm...since first being diagnosed, I am now without a job, divorced, and full of anxiety. Friends bailed on me when I needed them most. Now I am just supposed to smile like all is well. F#%k that!

I balled my eyes out today putting up the Christmas tree. Pinning for days gone by when my children were little and I felt safe. I am 52 years old and wishing for a do over that will never come.

I have ativan, yippy.

odie16

Merilee - Anyone who bailed on you wasn't worthy of your friendship or love anyway. As joyceK said, there are plenty of friends here to support and help you through this crap. I too would be honored to be one of them... ((( HUGS)))

Merilee

I forgot to mention that Tamoxifen made me go deaf in my left ear and the last surgery ( of 6) I had gave me nerve damage in my right arm and hand. I've had 2 recurrences and done chemo twice in the past 2 years. Now I am on aremidex a fraction of the does they want me on and I feel like a hopeless zombie half the time. Ive been trying to take it for 5 weeks now. I finished rads the middle of Sept and my wbc is still at only 3.1. I keep waiting for things to get better but then worry that I am wishing my life away,changed is an understatement

wenweb

momand2kids, you did state it eloquently-spot on in fact.  I thought that I was being my authentic self, and agree that mid-life is a time of reassesment regardless of a major crisis.  It took BC to make me see that I was way off the mark of where I wanted my authentic self to be.  Live and learn, and yippy too for Ativan :>)

lknrocha

CLC Thank you for saying all the things I have been thinking and feeling since my diagnosis on Oct 13 2011.

Merilee - Hang in there! We are here for you. I am currently unemployed professor and homeless. I have been unemployed since May. Having something productive to do would help.As for my marriage it has been a roller coaster..at least he has not walked away yet. All I know is I see things, situations, and people more clearly now, For so long in my life it was about others squeezing in college courses between parental and wifely duties...which for the most part I enjoyed. I do not want to feel guilty about thinking about what I need and want.  I hate depending on others. I have always believed unless you have walked in someone elses shoes you can not judge how you would/will behave or feel about the choices.  So hang in there do what you need for you.

I had surgery on Oct 24th. Begin chemo on 1 December. So that may explain my mood.

Lynn

Merilee

So sorry to unload on you ladies, but sometimes it just overcomes me. I have been sad and scared for almost 3 years now and it wears on a person.

changes

I can SOOO relate to this thread. I have been debating making some major changes since diagnosis, but was afraid it was unwise to do during a time of stress. However, the chaos just keeps coming, and I am at my breaking point. I want some peace in my life. I am taking some steps to get out of a job that has been sucking the life out of me. Like you, Merilee, I had people close to me bail on me. My own sister never ONCE called to see how I was doing during treatment.  I have only a couple people now that I really trust, but I figure at least the vampires are now out of my life. I'd rather have only a few true friends in my life, than a whole bunch of fair-weather friends. I keep telling myself things will eventually get better.

Merilee

I guess there is only one way to go when you are standing in the pits-up

Someone please throw me the life line

Fearless_One

Merilee, I totally understand.  Sure, it's easy for some to walk away from a stressful job if they have the financial resources to be able to do so, or to feel strong when they have love and support in their lives.   It's different when you are broke, alone and trying to get through each day without some new crisis, emotional, financial or physical.  

Don't ever say sorry for unloading here - it's what we are here for.  

Merilee

In May during my last chemo, my closest brother died of Lung cancer with mets to his brain. My mother is 87 and going blind and I have a 22 year Downs syndrome son who is depending on his mom. Some days the pressure is just more than I can take even with ativan.

Fearless_One

Merilee, that is a LOT on those shoulders of yours!  Is there any kind of help you can get at all?   Maybe nursing help through insurance or some other program?    You just cannot be expected to do all that caretaking all alone.....!   

Merilee

Somehow I have to make a new life

MariannaLaFrance

Getting a bc diagnosis changed me entirely. I used to stress out about everything under the sun, and I  had a very stressful few years prior to BC diagnosis to boot.

I am not likely to put up with BS (don't suffer fools gladly here!), am very likely to tell anyone EXACTLY what I think, and I have taken my brazen honesty and turned it into absolutely unvarnished truth.  I don't hold back anymore, and I also *try* not to stress out about things anymore. Even the things that seem totally out of control.

I still work in the corporate world out of necessity, and feel extremely grateful to have a job in this economy. I lost my job last year (one that I really loved, working for a big software company that I had a lot of respect for), and I took it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to be there at this time. I could have felt insulted, but instead turned it into a blessing for me and my family. Luckily for us, I got another position within 6 months. Do I love this new job? No. But I feel lucky to have the job, know that my identity is not tied up in the brand name of the company I work for, and that I have talent that will transfer anywhere.

I am more patient with my kids, I absorb each moment as if it is a gift, because that is what this life is-- a gift.

Love to all of you who are suffering from this wretched disease state. Peace, love, happiness to you all. 

MariannaLaFrance

P.S. the other thing that changed? Being judgemental. I used to judge everyone who came into my path.  Now I realize that the strange things people sometimes do is rooted in their own psyche and the weight that they have to bear in life. It makes it easier to be detached when someone is doing something absolutely wrong or acting insanely. It's almost like I try to see their pure, raw essence instead of the weird stuff that they do....... it's working for me now, and it helps me not to get angry with people.

Fearless_One

Merilee, I think you can...       The fact that you have done all this alone is a testament to your strength and compassion.     Many people would have turned their backs (yes, even on their family).

Merilee

Thanks, I wish I could just stop stressing and feeling overwhelmed, like a nut that's about to crack

iLUV2knit

CLC .....yes, I have no tolerance for stupid.  I used to.  I think I just have begun to wean away my dependance on people who for whatever reason make me feel worse about myself.  THEY to me are a cancer I do not need.  I instead am staying positive, and surrounding myself with friends and family who love me, even when I am a bitch, crying or sick.  I think we have all changed...I have changed my friends and my friends have changed too.  Some are closer, some are gone (bye bye - don't let the door hit ya!) Some family members I too, have weaned out of my life. I feel GOOD about my life and my choices now.  I no longer have time for bullsh*t.

MERILEE- PM me anytime.  I will listen to whatever you need me to without judgment.  You need to get a support group to help lift you up.  Here we are!!  I am in Michigan too....SW corner, near Kalamazoo.  My mom passed away suddenly last year, 6 weeks from her cancer diagnosis.  This year has been pretty cruddy for me.  I understand your feelings of loss and you are probably still grieving your brother/marriage/life before the big C.  PLease reach out to us anytime.  We are all sisters here.

Fearless_One

Of course you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed!   Merilee, Wonder Woman would feel stressed and overwhelmed with all you are dealing with right now.    Like Iluv2knit says, we are sisters here and are there for you.