BC has changed me

FireKracker

Fearless One---gosh i have kids your age and i worry sooo much about them...i too dont think there will be any $$$$$ left when they retire.....what will happen to all those people?and my Gkids.forget about them....in a way im glad i put my time in and yes i can live in a rent controlled apt.what about the rest of the world.

i had lots of friends who looked down on me when i moved into hud...today they are shit out of luck and wish they were in my shoes.....so i cannot affort a car...ill live.The bus is 2 blocks away.i used to be a princess....yrs ago....yeah i cannot even blame bc for this...

yeah it changed me alrite.....im sooo angry i probably need all kinds of help!!!!!!

huggggggggggs everyone K

Timbuktu

Everything has changed.  First of all, when people complain about the weather or having to clean their house or the traffic, I can't believe my ears.  How lucky can you be to live through weather, to have the strength to clean or to be able to drive in traffic.  It's all a gift.  I'll take any weather, any traffic and I feel blessed when I have the strength to clean and take care of myself and others.

My husband has come through in the most terrific way imaginable.  We had a really rocky marriage.  Looked into divorce after 40 years of misery.  Then he had a heart attack and the next year I got BC and suddenly we're there for each other.  My friends have been good too.  Loving and supportive.

Then, my son got a dog.  I am highly allergic to dogs, get terrible asthma attacks.  So I'm out of his life.  Lovely.  It's a real punch in the gut.  He expects me to take chances with him and the grandkids.  He expects me to meet him in the park or the mall.  I'm done.  I've always heard of people who abandon those with cancer.  I didn't realize my son would be one of them.  My heart is broken.

Liora777

Even though my BC was only DCIS and I didn't need any further treatment, in their professional opinion, I had a re-occurance 5 years later. Was I scared AGAIN? No I was PIST!! I'm still pist that they wouldn't do the bilateral mastectomies initially.

I took control of the situation and found a breast cancer surgeon who would do the double. But not before going back to the quack that argued with me. I asked him if he would do it now...he suggested a second opinion, which I should have done in the first place, initially.

This whole ordeal has not made me appreciate life anymore. It's made me angry. Angry that there are probably cures for this shit out there. But that's a whole different can of worms there isn't it? Nobody would make any cash if we didn't get cancer!!

I'm fortunate, I know it. I don't have to work, 3 of my 4 kids are grown and out on their own, I still have a 14 year old at home who talks to me like I'm inferior at times. Beneath her know it all self. LOL! I had my surgery on the 1st of July this year. My husband was there for the surgery, took me to my folk's house and he and all of the kids went to our houseboat for the 4th of July LOL!!! I said it was fine, I would just be laying around sleeping anyway...

I have found out who my real friends are. I don't even answer phone calls, facebook messages, nor texts from the women I used to hang out with. I think part of the reason a lot of our 'girl friends' avoid us during all of this, is their own fear. They don't know what to say, how to act, or 'should I send a card or some flowers?' LOL!! I truely believe this. But in all reality, they are just getting in line, because it's up to more than one in ten dx with BC now isn't it?

I'm angry. I don't care. It's changed my life a lot. Some things are better and some things are not. My marriage is better. Not because he's changed. I've changed. I just don't care anymore. So, he does what he wants to do and I do what I want to do. Yet, he still tries to control me sometimes...it's like "no, you are not even going to say that..." NOW. He knows better. Everyday is a gift? How? How can people tell other people to enjoy every day to it's fullest when they just hear their personal dx? Some are so crippled with fear they can't eat or function. That was me with my first dx. You really don't know until you've been through this. Am I happy I didn't have to have chemo, radiation, or oral meds? Yes, I am. But maybe if he had suggested I see an oncologist or I had had an inclination to do it myself, it may have never re-occured. Reared it's ugly head again.

Now I'm scheduled to get these tissue expanders out on Jan 23 and get my implant surgery over with. Then the nipple surgery, hmmm I wonder if insurance will pay for nipple recon? Who cares?! I don't care if I have nipples or not. What does it matter? Last night I came in from the car and told my daughter that I would have frozen my nipples off if I had any. She's like, "OMG you don't have any nipples?" Heh.

I have a great sense of humor. Sick, but great, LOL, I just don't care. I'm not angry that I got BC or DCIS. I'm angry with the way everyone else handled it. I don't have time for people that are not REAL. And...they quit calling a long time ago. It's their own fears that make that happen. Put your big grown up panties on people and realize that you may need someone someday. You might appreciate a card or some flowers. Eh?!  Every day is a gift? I've never come that close to death, I guess. I don't fear death. I fear losing my loved ones, my family, much, much more.   

Merilee

Liora, sorry to hear about your experience, that really sucks and you have every right to be pissed. We all do, the numbers are 1in 8. Someone being diagnosed every 3 minutes in the U.S. For the record, I have met more idiots in the medical field while dealing with this than compassionate, caring ones. Just today I was at the Onc and ask if someone could look into my ears as I have been feeling dizzy and wanted to rule out an ear infection, and know one wanted to take the time. One person even said to me " looking in ears really isn't our thing".  What an idiot! I mentioned that I have PTSD from all of this and need extra reassurance at times that I am ok, and the person I said it too looked at me as if she had never heard of it. Another idiot.

SO ...my point is you are not alone in being pissed. I do try hard however to stay positively focused as I know it is in my best interest. Ironically, I am usually better at that when I have not been to see anyone in the medical community.

FireKracker

So pissed is the way we all feel huh!!!!!!just dont want it to stay forever......its not healthy for all of us....we all have the same issues....sure my family(some of them) suk..sure im scared it will come back...we gotta live with that....but we need a thread on how to get rid of the pissed....bc will not kill us...the anger,bitterness,grief and pissed will.

come on sistas we gotta fight this giant monster....the whole package and we cannot do it if we are weak from waisting all that energy on being pissed.

I spent the entire day blocking poeple on facebook.everyone is pissing me off.

FireKracker

and if anyone dares to mention the color pink or i hear anyone singing happy birthday im like an animal.....whos pissed???????????thanks bc.the gift that keeps on givin.

i think im becoming bipolar!!!!!

Merilee

Granny Dukes! LOL I hate the happy birthday commercials too.

Liora777

LMAO! I know, I know I hate it too! Granny Dukes brings it! LOL! Well this kind of venting helps so much, because nobody else understands nor wants to hear it!! I am LOL because what else are you going to do? There are so many idiots in the medical field. They become desensitized to cancer and OUR feelings. It's just their job, and not many of us like our jobs! I hate housework and cooking, and people that work the corporate American dream job would give anything to have time to cook and clean their house, well some of them...we all want what we don't have, BUT cancer! LOL!! I love my PS, my Psych nurse, and my PS staff. They want what is best for me. I don't get that feeling in any other dr.'s office, frankly.

Thanks for letting me vent. I read through most of these posts, people are let down by their friends, sometimes their family, and a lot of times by the medical personnel. You need to be very aware and wary of what they want to give you and tell you to do. Can't forget the insurance companies either, they're so giving and loving. LOL!! Be well everyone, laugh lots. I do laugh a lot at myself and I'm finding some people on here have a sense of humor. I'd prefer to die of laughter than fear. I am not as angry and pist as I sound, not all the time :-)

Djustme

I had my mastectomy Nov 1 and am going back to work next week. (no radiation, no chemo). I am so scared that I will not be able to handle it emotionally. That I will resent clients getting worked up over stupid things, and that I will not be able to hold my tongue when petty office squabbles and politics rear their ugly heads. I have always been the go to girl - responsible, patient, and a peace maker.  I don't think I can be what people expect me to be anymore.

Liora777

Understandably so, Djustme. We feel like we might 'lose it' at times. Sometimes it helps me to remember that we are all just people and some people feel the exact same way as we do. Those people you are afraid 'will get all worked up over stupid things', may have the same fear you do.

The huge difference is this:  You've just had major, scary, serious surgery. You haven't had enough time off to emotionally adjust to what has just happened in your life and to your body. I don't think your co-workers will be expecting you to be up to par just yet. However, most of them probably don't know that you just had a drive thru mastectomy do they? They don't know how you're feeling or why you may be performing differently.

I hope you do have some co-workers who know what you just went through. I pray you have a good friend there that can help with the hard times. You're not the same person, they can't expect you to be. You may have to tell someone if you haven't already. I feel really badly for you, I am really sorry. I feel guilty because I don't have to work. God bless you. I will be thinking about you. Please let me know how you're doing.  

jwilco

I too am going back to work next week after my UMX/recon in October.  I didn't tell anyone other than my supervisor and one coworker that is also a close friend outside of work.  I've worked there over 20 years so people have seen my ups and downs.  I was obese and had bariatric surgery and lost a whole person.  Everyone knew everything about that, although it was obvious.  But for some reason I'm not feeling comfortable sharing this experience.  I can't quite figure out exactly why I'm feeling that way.

Liora777

It's not something I wanted everyone to know either. In fact I told my friends and family that I did tell, not to post a thing about it on facebook. It's personal, they're my boobs. It's cancer. It made me sad, scared, and sometimes mad.

My cousin had a woman tell her at work, after she had her right breast removed, "You didn't need to get a mastectomy, it was only precancer." I would have come unglued, but my cousin is not me, thankfully for that woman.

My feelings don't really matter here, but I'm happy a couple of people you wanted to tell, work with you. I think it will make things easier for you. I certainly hope so. Keep posting and updating, ok? I want to hear how your recon turns out. You haven't had enough time to come to grips with your surgery either...I'm so sorry. I had my bilateral on July 1st, and I still don't feel that great. January for implants.

 I wish you all my best! Good luck! :-) 

jwilco

I think the reason I didn't want it out in the open at work was because I didn't want to hear judgement about what I've chosen as my treatment.  I didn't want opinions, only support.  I also didn't want people to stare at my chest, wondering what was different.  I also wanted to wait until I had dealt with the BIG decisions.  I'm very lucky.  It was early stage, no nodes and I was able to have immediate reconstruction.  So I woke up with two boobs.  Well, one real one and one sort of wacky.  It will be an interesting adjustment next week heading back into the office.

Djustme

Thank you for your support.  There are only 12 people at our office (law office) and they all know (news in a small town travels quickly).  A couple of them will be really great; a couple of them are too self centred to care about anyone else, and whose attitude will be the cliche 'suck it up buttercup'. But none will really understand what I am going through, because they haven't had any major illness in their lives, and certainly not an illness that required removal of a visible body part.  I find that I am really nervous about being accepted as 'normal', but at the same time, can't get a grasp on how can everything just continue the same as before, as if nothing has changed. Everything has changed, but only for me, it doesn't really affect anyone else. It's the similar to the way I felt when my brother died (of cancer). I hope time will sort this out for me.   

Djustme

I understand what you mean about not wanting people to judge and give their opinions about the options you chose. The first thing my sister and a co-worker said to me was 'now you can finally get whatever size of boobs you want' (I am small busted). There is sooo much wrong with that statement that there is no reply.  It's like saying 'sorry I killed your cat, but this stuffed one will be as good or better'.  I'm actually thinking of staying flat - I don't know if it is just a reaction to the (mostly) unintentional, and uninformed responses of the people around me, but my surgery happened so fast I didn't even have time to discuss reconstruction with my surgeon before surgery, and now I can't bear the thought of more surgery.

FLwarrior

I wanted the same privacy that you do.  I chose to only tell my grown DS, DM, (not so dear) sister, my team leader, dept manager and a couple of friends.  I asked that my privacy be respected and for them not to """talk""" about it to others...if I wanted others to know I would tell them myself.  I was extremely disappointed...as my DM and sister ended up telling more people than I did!  WTH??? Really??? Yes, I'm still shaking my head about that!  As it ends up it feels like a million people know after all the Dr appts, the chemo-cattle drive (it felt as they just hearded us through the process...one after another), hospital visits, pharmacy, MX fittter, wig salon, yada, yada, yada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

GrannyDukes...you are funny!!!  LOL!  LMAO!!!  Let it roll!

Liora, I need to take your attitude...you wrote that you would rather die of laughter than fear. The FEAR is what I really need to get under control!

Djustme and jwilco, I hope all goes well for both of you when you return to work. Perhaps it will go much easier than you are thinking.  Try to be glad you have a job to go back to.  I was unable to return to work before my medical leave expired...so I am now looking for a job...it is a very bad place to be. I wish I had my job to go back to.

Big ((HUGS)) to you all!!!

jwilco

Thank you everyone.  These types of topics always get such insightful and also humorous responses.  I'm amazed every day that I've spent on this website since my dx at how much I'm not alone.  Others are feeling the same and that is good to know...I guess it means I'm ok after all.  I'll be miss checking in when I'm at work and under the internet filter.

BC has changed me, how could it not. 

Timbuktu

grannydukes, you made me laugh out loud!

I blocked my son on facebook and I've been struggling with blocking someone else tonight.

I don't feel like being patient with idiots anymore.

 People are annoying me.

I barely have enough energy to get through the day, Ihave no energy for coping with idiots

But I am grateful for every day because I know I might not have a tomorrow.

Timbuktu

BTW, the medical system stinks.

Merilee

This is a very healing vent for all of us. We need a place to come and just let it out of our heads. Keep talking ladies, keep talking until you get all of it out. I am a trained therapist and this experience has been too much for even me to handle without help. I see another therapist  to help me keep talking, and this thread has helped me all ready. We don't have to wait for an appointment or speak in politically correct terms here because we all get it. I have laughed and cried reading and writing on this thread, which is such a healthy release of the pent up anxiety that comes with this diagnosis. Keep talking! (or typing as the case is here) And thank you by the way for  being here, you are all amazing!

FireKracker

OMG---you poor sistas who have to go back to work....damn on 11/11/11 i put on facebook for everyone to make a wish and my friend from AIG wrote on my wall that her wish was for me to come back to work.she missed me...my reply was...IF I STAYED ONE MORE DAY I WOULD BE IN JAIL....that was before the beast.

And being out of work is worst....damn.BC changes me every 5 min.

Bi polar!!!!!!huggs everyone...im prayin for all of you.K

Mardibra

Had my first tx yesterday morning. Worked from "the chair" and worked from home today. Work is a great distraction!

CLC

I lost my cool yesterday with my supervisor.  I tried to keep it all in, but the line between my brain and mouth seems to have completely lost its filter.  Fortunately, while I was blunt, my frustration and irritation with the situation was primarily directed at the situation and not my supervisor...so I don't think I managed to offend her.  But, boy, was it uncharacteristic.  I will see how it pans out over the next week.

Some days, I find myself driving to work and fantasizing about quitting or getting fired.  Or fantasizing about other places I could be working.  It's just crazy.  I couldn't afford to leave where I work...And, as I said before, I worked so hard to get my life set up the way it is...

I am really just trying to bide my time and wait so that I don't make any big decisions so soon after this huge change in my life. I don't want to make any decisions from a place of crisis.  I want my choices to be made from a point of calm and decisiveness.

Sigh...

Fearless_One

Grannydukes, I totally agree with you about the anger and bitterness being poison to us for those of us who harbor anger and resentment towards relatives, etc.

I feel much resentment and need to get over it before it brings the cancer back.

And granny, don't ever feel ashamed about the HUD thing.   I am going to apply for some kind of HUD assistance when all this recon is behind me, and hope I get approved.   I meet the financial elig., but I hear there can be a wait list. 

FireKracker

Feerless---I was sooo grateful to be called to hud but friends poo hood me....especially workin in AIG...well they took all my $$$$$$.WTF....I am proud to live in hud.I have a lovely studio apt.the rent is affordable and yes those people are asking me for applications to get into my bldg....and yes THE WAITING LIST IS LONG NOW.....apply ASAP...and if you need any help do not hesitate to contact me...all i can say now is THANK YOU GOD....I CAN LIVE!!!!!!

yeah bc changed me...i dont give a F$*K what people think!!!!!!!

Merilee

Same here GrannyD, I don't give an F what people think of my choices either. Some gave me  a hard time about leaving my job. PPFFF! Get outa here!  Something about knowing that your life could be shortened suddenly makes work go to the bottom of the priority list, and spending time with people you love go to the top.

Djustme

I survived my first day back to work, yeah! luckily for me my boss is actually on holidays this week. She is always stressed to the max and it rubs off on everyone else.  My challenge will be to not let others stress me out or, to take on too much responsibility the way I did prior to surgery. I don't want to let stress run my life anymore. Life is too short! Too bad it takes something like this to happen for us to figure that out. 

Fearless_One

Djustme, I agree!   For those of us who can't leave our jobs (but wish we could), it's important to not get too stressed out.   Ha!  Easier said than done, right?

Grannydukes, thanks !  I will certainly contact you if I have any questions about it!   I'm glad you got the help you need ~

FireKracker

Fearless---just know with this economy the waiting lists are years.i waited 11 mos 5 yrs ago.now in my bldg its over 2 yrs.

thatsvanity

My sister's cancer has changed me too, I don't care so much anymore about picking on my husband about dumb things.