BC has changed me

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited December 2011

    Granny D I had a case of touretts last week LOL

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited December 2011

    Oh Merilee---and we wonder if BC changed us....

    yeah especially after what you went throu!!!!!!I hope you are betta now.Sending you prayers and hugggggggggs K

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited December 2011

    Hello everyone.  I thought I would pop in and give a little update.  I am beginning to find an even keel, emotionally.  Couples therapy seems like it is going to make a really big difference for my husband and me.  I think I have discovered that both he and I want our marriage to survive and thrive.  That is the first good step in all of this emotional turmoil.  The other thing I have suddenly noticed is that my impatience and intolerance is limited to the things that I think are unacceptable, but my patience and tolerance has become much greater for people's weaknesses and frailties...others and my own. 

    The changes I am experiencing are really profound and have me guessing.  Things come out of my mouth that I don't expect.  I am having to learn to filter my mouth, now that my feelings seemingly have no filter anymore.  I am grateful to have given up the filter on my feelings and that I am feeling them, but I am struggling a bit to learn to recognize that the feelings are erupting before they hit the mouth.  But in all of that, I have discovered it is okay to make mistakes.  My dh, my children and my best friend all forgive me for being only human and speaking out, then apologizing for speaking without thinking.

    So...like I said in my original post, I think the changes are good ones...just difficult to adjust to.  I am finally starting to experience the up sides of the changes.  I just wanted to share.

    I am still in a holding pattern on work.  I am very reluctant to make any decisions/changes at a time that is so filled with upheaval.  But I am thinking a lot about the changes that I will make eventually.

    I hope that you all are doing well and that the holidays are being a good time for you.

    My warmest wishes to you all.

    Claire

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited December 2011

    Oh...and I forgot to update on my health...I don't have Lyme!  I have a vitamin B12 deficiency.  I am guessing that my nearly vegetarian diet normally has enough b12 for me under normal circumstances, but that my body's attempts to heal nerve and other tissue post-op was too much for my meager b12 intake.  So...a little supplementation and a little bit of animal-product-eating may have me feeling a lot better. 

    Thank you all for listening and sharing all of your stories.  It feels good to know I am not all alone.

    Happy holidays to you all!

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  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited December 2011

    Breast cancer has made me appreciate each day more but it has taken away my dreams for the future.  I no longer count on seeing my daughter get married, having grandkids someday or retiring with my husband.  Breast cancer keeps me in constant fear of not having a future.  I only dream that someday there will be a cure. 

    Take care,

    Nancy 

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  • Djustme
    Djustme Member Posts: 156
    edited December 2011

    yes - sometimes the filter can't keep up with the mouth! and I used to be such a nice, quiet girl!. I sometimes am quick to criticise. And I am quick to speak up when someone mistreats me. But I am equally quick to apologize. Maybe it has something to do with no longer being certain of having a long, long life that makes you think you can't wait for anything anymore. Maybe that is why we become impatient. I am moving to a four day work week in January. I look at it as one day of retirement each week, to make up for the retirement days I may not have later. I will be poor - but the time is more important to me now than money.  My mom lives with me and she is turning 75 this year so I want to spend some time with her as well. 

    BC has also changed my husband to some extent. he has done some very unselfish things for me the last couple of months, though he still does a lot of things that drive me crazy.  I may not post anymore in the new year - because I don't want to think about bc everyday. I know a lot of you don't have a choice as you are still going through treatment, and finding this forum has been very helpful for me over the last couple of months.  But I think I should try taking a break from it to see if it actually helps me forget for a while (at least until the next round of tests in April). I have a feeling that I will be back in to have the other breast removed within the next year or two, but I should enjoy the break between recovery from one and moving on to the next.  That is why I don't understand why women do recon - they have no break from it - from their descriptions, it is just one surgery and recovery after another.   Anyway, thank you all for being here when I needed you.  I'm sure I will need it again.  Merry Christmas 

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited December 2011

    DJustme...I hope you have a very happy new year...and that you enjoy your break from the boards and bc.  The beauty of these boards is that they are here when you need them, and you can leave them when you need to and return again if you need to and it will still be here for you.  So, enjoy your break and your new year...  I hope it brings you peace, joy and meaning.

    Claire

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited December 2011

    BCO keeps me sane....or as sane as i could ever be.....

    Merry Christmas sistas....hugggggs K

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited December 2011

    Before this Christmas is over please say a prayer for my friend and hero Phyllis.she is a 27 yr bc/colon cancer survivor now fighting for her life.

    It will be a blue Christmas cause her BP is over 200.im scared.And she is alone!!!1

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited December 2011

    Will do Grannydukes,  Blessings to all! xo

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited December 2011

    All of my best to Phyllis.  May she have strength and fortitude, peace and serenity.  Wishing you the same, Grannydukes.

    And a happy holiday to everyone.

    Claire

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited December 2011

    Good morning Granny D

    I hope your friend receives a Christmas miracle that she needs. Hugs to you for being such a good friend. May your good Karma be returned to you 3 fold.

    Merry Christmas dear one.

    Love Merilee

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  • kiley56
    kiley56 Member Posts: 164
    edited December 2011

    My prayers are there for your dear friend Phyllis Granny, Best Wishes for all of you.....Kiley

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited December 2011

    Thank you for your prayers....today they finally got her BP to 160 but she is still in ICU with a headache.All that hoopla abou MSk this big cancer hospital.to me its like a clinic.Always a different Dr.Im angry again...Its Christmas and i stayed home by choice.Im upset,my back hurts,im cranky and i dont want to sit in a car for hours.NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

    I had a me day.tomorrow back to reality!!!!!!

    Hope everyone had a merry Christmas.huggggs K

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited December 2011

    Granny D- Me days are good, and you are right there is no place like home sweet home.

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  • imara56
    imara56 Member Posts: 16
    edited December 2011

    Wow CLC....I just came across your post and I had vented awhile ago on another thread about this exact topic.  I also feel like I have changed and cannot go back to the way I was.  I have cancelled my wedding and am reconsidering my relationship, need to figure out if my current employment (which is pretty stressful) is really what I want to do until retirement and what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I can totally relate to your post.  I have requested a referral to a therapist and I hope to get some clarity on my life.  I am so glad you posted.  Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone....Imara

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited December 2011

    Imara...the thanks goes both ways :)

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  • Djustme
    Djustme Member Posts: 156
    edited December 2011

    I thought if I stayed away from posting that I might be able to stop myself from thinking about bc all the time.  Didn't work. And I broke down and cried again today when the hospital called to book my followup MRI for my remaining breast (not till April). I also realized I have two totally opposite views battling in my head, and wondered if anyone else could relate. I go around home and to relatives homes in my ordinary clothes where you can tell there is only one breast, It is like my war wound and have no desire to hide it.  At the same time I have become an anxiety driven shopaholic. I must have bought 25 new tops in the past two months since my mx.  All of the new tops are designed, not just to hide my missing breast, but to hide the remaining one as well.  In my head it's like - if I can just find that perfect top, I can magically make the fact that I ever had bc disappear.  I should be sooo happy that I am done as far as my left breast is concerned, but all I can think about is that I still have a right breast and when is the other shoe going to drop.  I don't know how you girls who have had to go through chemo and rad have done it.  I am almost two months post-op. Please tell me the anxiety goes away at some point.

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  • Iluvpink
    Iluvpink Member Posts: 5
    edited December 2011

    Yes, weight gain, hot flashes, anxiety & panic attacks, depression, poor sleeping, fatigue, no sex drive, no estrogen. I am happy that I am here to write this, dont get me wrong but the changes are overwhelming at times. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those that are here in this site and to their families.

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  • Djustme
    Djustme Member Posts: 156
    edited December 2011

    lluvpink - are you done all of your treatments now? did you have one, or both breasts removed?

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  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited December 2011

    Djustme: the anxiety does ease up with time. I am 19 months out from diagnosis, and life goes on. It still really flares up at scan time, but then goes back down. I am still aware that the other shoe could drop, but it no longer rules my life - if it drops, it drops, and I'll deal with it then. Cut yourself some slack - it's only been two months since your surgery, and it takes time to recover both physically and psychologically.

    Karen

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  • Iluvpink
    Iluvpink Member Posts: 5
    edited December 2011

    Djust me, I had lumpectomy and radiation. My following mammogram showed something in the other breast, another biopsy and was neg. 4 months later I found out that I had a rare form of skin cancer and had to have another surgery. I have been lucky but an emotional wreck.  

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  • Djustme
    Djustme Member Posts: 156
    edited December 2011

    Thanks for the support.  Neither one of my cancers (DCIS and Paget's disease) actually showed up on my mammogram or ultra sound, which is one of the things that makes the whole process so scary. The doctor doing that ultrasound in Sept knew I had to have some kind of primary cancer because the bleeding from my nipple is a symptom of Paget's which is a secondary cancer. So he kind of took a shot in the dark in doing the needle biopsy during the ultrasound- and it came back DCIS. So did Pathology report after mx. Makes the disease that much more invisible and scary. The ultrasound did, however, show two spots in the remaining breast - that they think are cysts.  Was anyone else's bc invisible on tests? 

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  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited December 2011

    Tests did not do very well by me, either. I found the lump myself (IDC). They had trouble finding it on the diagnostic mammo (due to breast density), but the ultrasound showed it clearly. However, I then had an MRI to be sure nothing else was there. Despite those three tests, there was also DCIS that none of the tests found, that was only found in surgery. It stinks, but I try not to let it worry me sick.

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  • chabba
    chabba Member Posts: 5,065
    edited January 2012
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  • Djustme
    Djustme Member Posts: 156
    edited January 2012

    HAPPY NEW YEAR to you too - best wishes for all of us in 2012!!!

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  • Snobird
    Snobird Member Posts: 593
    edited January 2012

    Djustme- I too have Paget's. It reared it's ugly head as a recurrence of IDC and DCIS from 4 yrs ago. I had a LX, rexcision, rads and no chemo. My left breast was a mess after rads. Lots of nasty scar tissue. A bout of frozen shoulder. When the cancer came back for the second time I said "enough". I scheduled a BMX/DIEP and never looked back. It has rocked my world. Made me whole again. I am in the midst of rediscovering myself and I don't know where it will lead me but I know I can't go back to the old me I must move forward.

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited January 2012

    Snobird - Best wishes in the new year ahead. I also feel the same way - I simply cannot go back to the old me. There are some parts of the "old me" I will expand on, ie: being a good gramma - Now I plan to be an incredible gramma! But, there are new areas I want to explore - I want to take a class - in something - no idea of what, but something different. I am a retired teacher, so NO education classes - I also want to do a bit of volunteer work with other survivors. I connected instantly with the elderly patients at my cancer center. I will miss that connection when rad treatment ends. I love animals - I live one block from the Humane Society, so walking dogs for them is definitely in my future - Wow, it really is nice to look ahead and not focus on the possibility of recurrence for awhile....

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited January 2012

    ....Snobird - thanks for leading me to think about my "new self"..

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  • FLwarrior
    FLwarrior Member Posts: 977
    edited January 2012

    I agree ladies.  I was thrilled to say Good Riddance to 2011 and HELLO 2012!!!  I am starting a new job on Jan 3rd and then I am planning to move in the next couple of months. I think these things will help me in my journey to discover MY NEW NORMAL! I am looking up and looking forward!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  Wishing everyone hope and peace in 2012!!!

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