BC has changed me
Comments
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Oh my gosh...I went away for the day...and look at all the posts!!!
Merilee...I am sorry for all you are dealing with. I am glad that you can come here and vent. Please continue to come here and share. It is so hard to take care of it all...Can you get help for any of the caring and work, as Fearless One suggested? There might be programs to help with your son, if nothing else.
wenweb...how utterly insightful...I think I have been the fool I have suffered, too. But to allow ourselves the life we deserve requires such upheaval sometimes... My husband and I will be starting couples therapy very soon. It is scary. Maybe we will find there is nothing worth saving. Where will our lives, our children's lives, my life be then? Scary. I am hopeful that we will find something worthwhile. Job...I don't even know if I want to bother trying. Except for that whole making a living thing...and insurance...lol...but, really, there is absolutely nothing freaking funny about it.
Marianna...your gratitude for your job speaks to me...and reminds me of how lucky I am to have my job...one that for years I loved. One for which I now mourn for it's losses over the years for how it has changed.
Iknrocha...your take on your marriage speaks to me...it being a roller coaster...and his not leaving, yet... sounds incredibly familiar...except that it's altogether unclear here if it's him that hasn't left yet, or me.
To everyone...you all have made me feel so much less isolated. I am sorry that you all have had to deal with bc... I am sorry for the painful times... And I am likewise grateful for any good that we can wrest from it... And grateful to you all for posting and letting me know that you all understand...
Claire
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Yes, the can is open and full of worms!
Merilee...I am also single (about to turn 50) and on my own. I have been divorced and was a single mom for years, way before dx. I am also filled with anxiety, and that seems an understatement. I lost my job as a direct result of bc. (kick, hit, throw...hell yes I am in disbelief, pissed, sad and scared!!!) I am sorry you balled your eyes out today, putting up the Christmas tree. You did good girl, you put the darn tree up, more than I am doing. I stayed in the house by myself and did NOTHING on Thanksgiving Day (first time I have ever spent the day that way), just feeling like S@#t! I am not putting up a tree this year. I am here all alone, no family, few friends and not knowing where I will be...you see, I don't have a way to pay the rent for December! Yes, all the changes that bc has brought are very unwelcome! I wish I had some Ativan...all I have is a bottle of wine. When you get the life line...please toss it my way!
Lynn, how are you managing? Where are you staying? What are you doing? I am soon to be homeless unless something unforeseen happens to me. I am unemployed, a direct result of bc. I called the homeless shelter yesterday to get info and they informed me that they were full to call back the next biz day to see if a bed has open up.
Changes...I am also at that breaking point...I also have a sister (my only sibling) that absconded! She never once called me during treatment!!! It hurts...I am sorry that it happened to you too! She has always been self-absorbed and self-centered, and that is nothing that I can change. I would have never treated her that way! I also find myself in the same place as you...only trusting a select FEW people. I hope you are right...right for both of us ...that it will get better.
Claire...wishing you the best and know that we understand more that you realize! The emotional upheaval after bc dx is one that only "we" can understand. My own mother...god love her... was here with me. She came many miles to be with me during chemo and surgery, but she didn't get it...just didn't get it. She was here, but I still felt isolated and alone...<sad>...now she has gone back home and I am ALL ALONE! And very sad and very scared!
To all...thanks for being there! I log on and "lurk" several times a day...I don't post that often, but reading has been very helpful...thanks you guys!!! I am a very private person, so it takes a lot for me to post as much as I just did. I wish you all the best. I am also sorry that bc is how we have all gathered...and sorry for all the pain that it brings!
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FLwarrior...I am sorry to hear about your job. That just sucks. I hope that you find a way through the next challenges...housing for one. When I think of the other day when reached out to me to give me reassurance in the midst of Thanksgiving by yourself...well, my hat is off to you...You are one strong woman... I will be thinking of you... And inspired by you...
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Wow!!!!see a lot of sistas i know...im sorry for all of you...yeah it sure changed me too BUt compared to some of you not really...you see i always had a big mouth it only got bigger..and fresher...been divorced for yrs.so im used to doin things for myself.im not patting myself on the back.when i was first diag.i was a total basket case.I wanted everyone away from me and if they didnt listen to what i had to say i yelled my mantra UNLESS YOU HEAR THE WORD CANCER AND YOUR NAME IN THE SAME SENTENCE SHUT THE HELL UP...so with me it was anger.....we all cope differently...this crap is no joke.We are here for each other.we have no one else.sending gentle huggggggggs to each and every one of you.
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Thanks CLC and Granny...(((HUGS))) to you!
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Thanks Ladies
I am realizing that I actually get more support here than in my life. I have also pulled my bullshit meter out front and don't allow any one negative near me for long. I have stopped people mid sentence and told them I can't hear what they are trying to say such as 'Oh my....died of BC"
F-N stupid insensitive fools.
I do have a therapist I see only every two weeks because of insurance limitations. She is very good and specializes in women who have had breast cancer and are now struggling with PTSD.
I am also in PT working on the arm 2x a week. My son, well he is more help to me than anyone has been especially when I was the sickest. Go figure, my little Downs guy stepping up while others bailed. He is the reason I keep going. Without him I really would be lost.
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joycek and all that have made comment about insurance. IT IS REALLY SCARY. I am considering a move, but am terrified that another company's insurance might have a pre-existing clause. It's not a question that you ask up front
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Oh it will have a pre existing clause. I am in the same boat but for a different reason.
I am still married to the man that nearly drove me to insanity with stress because of the clause bullshit. I am on his insurance. We have not lived together as man and wife for 2 1/2 years, but I can't divorce him until I have 5 years of NED. What a crock of shit. Life saving medicine should be where are taxes are spent not sending a f-n probe to Mars and all that ridiculous nonsense!
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Oh My goodness, I am stunned to see so many women feeling like me! I am different, I have lost both breasts, the tightness never lets me forget. That one comment "unless you have heard your own name and the word cancer in the same sentence, you don't understand" is so true.
I find I am way more tolerant, more forgiving, quicker to be supportive of others....and quicker to forgive others who have not been supportive of me. After all, I have had freinds with cancer, and while I thought I was a good friend to them, seriously, I didn't "get it" and was not enough for them. So cancer has taught me sooo much.
I am glad to meet all of you!!!
d
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This thread is amazing. I've tried to explain to my husband how changed I am, and I think he tries to understand more than anybody, but like you all have said, bless me one has told you that you have cancer, it is pretty much impossible to understand.
I've had 5 surgeries in last 2 years; then last May, I suddenly developed sepsis and almost died. Then was hospitalized 3 more times after that. Then I went for a few months with no hospital visits. But then last Wednesday morning I started feeling like I was getting a bladder infection. I got worse very quickly, and ended up in the ER with pretty serious kidney infection. It is scary to me how now I get so sick so quickly. we were not able to go to Tennessee for Thanksgiving with family.
But people don't understand. I posted something on Facebook about how cancer was stupid. My daughter's sister in law asked her what I meant on fb. Did somebody else get cancer or something? They all think it is over for me, but it is not. Arggggggg.... -
You sistas are amazing....we are amazing...we went to hell and back and made it.....we are here to tell the story AND we are also here to hold each others hand,support each other and most of all UNDERSTAND each other....NO ONE else but us will ever understand....no one...we all have become different people from this damn monster but one thing it did/will is make us stronger....you see if it doesnt kill you it only makes you stronger....im strong like an ox but sooooooo angry....dont dare piss me off...ill take your head and while im at it ill drag your lungs and heart along....
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Oh yes...this has been added to a Favorites for me. Granny...you almost brought me to tears there. Insurance bullshit...holy crap I found a home full of sisters!!!!!! On one hand, I'm so sorry that I'm not the only one with low shit tolerance, anxieties, a rope around my neck because of insurance, feelings - all of it!!!
I too have been forever changed by that one sentence - Unless you heard cancer and your name in the same sentence ... YOU'LL NEVER FRIGGIN GET IT!!! Awesome. That needs to be a T Shirt...
HUGS!
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Some tough sisters here! Man, just when I thought I had problems, there is always a sister who has it worse - it's not right that some should have so much more on their shoulders than they can be expected to handle. And I know you CAN handle it, I just wish you didn't have to!
Merilee, you are caring for an 87 year old disabled woman and a son with Downs. Surely, you must be eligible for some kind of assistance? Some home health assistance or even financial assistance?
Joycek, I totally agree with your rant! It's crazy that hard-working Americans should have to jump through hoops for affordable health care - and sorry, but COBRA is so expensive, I don't even consider it a real option for most people.
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Granny Duke- Beautifully articulated I must say
"Don't piss me off or I will take your head of and while I'm at it drag your heart and lungs along"
ROFLMAO!
I am not afraid of people any more after facing down the Devil.
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I just feel blessed. I am so emotionally spent that I have no words. Let me just say...I GET IT!
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LOL...I GET IT
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JoyceK, so true. Most employers just view as disposable, rather than a person going through treatment. It's so important to have financial back-up, yet so difficult. Even my boss said how concerned she was with "securing the position"! Fortunately, though, I was not let go.
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This thread has been so comforting to me. I have had an all-around horrible month (which fell on the end of an all-around horrible 5 years - let's just say cancer was only one of the awful things that have happened). I soooo want to leave my job, because I honestly believe the stress is going to kill me - I have no quality of life right now. But I do have good health insurance, and therein lies the sticking point. I cannot purchase private insurance for any amount of money, and COBRA won't cover me until I hit the magical five-year point. So to leave, I have to find a job with insurance - without being able to ask about it upfront. I am still trying to find a way out, because I just cannot go on like this. I am single, my family is zero support, and most of my "good" friends suddenly disappeared when I was diagnosed with cancer. This site has been wonderful for getting through this - I don't feel quite so alone. Thanks to all of you!
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Here is another bomb shell. After working since the age of 14 and paying into SS, I now am allowed $850 a month to live on. So insulting! Who can live on that? I paid into that system for 38 years. Makes me ashamed to be an American.
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Ladies....OMG! Some of the crap your going through in addition to BC is simply freaking crazy! I cant imagine being able to handle that. I have always had a "mouth" and could be short and impatient with idiots so nothing new there. But, I have found that stuff that used to bother me doesnt anymore. I simply dont care to sweat the small stuff. The minute my internal bullshit detector starts to approach the redline, I exit from the situation. I dont give a crap anymore. As far as my job, i hope and pray I can hold onto it. This economy is crap and im single. No job, no insurance. No insurance, no life! Oh, and I live in Massachusetts.....the state that is supposed to have public healthcare for its residents. Dont bet on it. I have not told many people about my BC yet, but that will be changing shortly. So, im anticipating people exiting my life (see ya!) and a bunch of insensitive comments. Unless you heard cancer and your name in the same sentence ... YOU'LL NEVER FRIGGIN GET IT!!! I love that!! Please feel flattered because im going to use that sentence over and over and over again.
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mard,
Actually, if you are laid off and qualify for unemployment in Massachusetts, you will receive free health insurance for 18 months. I know 6 people who are receiving this benefit. Call MassConnector to learn more about this program.
*susan*
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Merilee and Joyce, I agree. If I were diagnosed with stage IV tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to collect SSDI because only non-working people are eligible. It does not take into account your diagnosis or the fact that I have been paying into it for 30 years. Not every sick person has the luxury of being able to walk away from their jobs even if they are in a great deal of pain. Hopefully it will not progress. I will have no help if it does. Charitable orgs are great, but they don't pay your living expenses.
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Joycek and Merilee...you are both so right! Our gov't finds it necessary to take care of so many things other than the welfare of the citizens of this country!!! It is so sad!
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Flwarrior, so true.....I believe that charity "begins at home". But I guess I am in the minority to feel that way.
There are so many homeless, uninsured, hungry and sick people right here in the US. Where is the help for them?
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I am glad I found all of you and this thread. Yes, BC has changed me. Right after my BMX, I was back to work in a week. Three weeks I was organizing and leading our annual block party. I was thisclose to going back for my MBA, I was elected to the school board, co-lead the most successful school auction pulling in close to 40K for the school, was given 3 additional people on my team to lead, I continued to work full time, while balancing my real job of being a wife and mother.
I did all of these things to prove that nothing was going to knock me down. And you know what I accomplished? Nothing. I merely proved that I have a problem saying "ENOUGH!"
This past week it all came to a head. Somehow I agreed to host Thanksgiving. Which meant 20 people in an out of my house for 5 days since they were all mostly family from out of town. This is my husband' family. Of which in the past 13 years I have hosted every single family get together. That's right. Every one. You would think someone up would step up considering I am less than 6 months out of my diagnosis and multiple surgeries right? Add to this, then my mother felt slighted and wanted her side of the family to be invited. Making the count to 30.
I finally broke and had a knock down drag out with my mom and my in-laws this week. I spoke to my boss last week about how I have the most members on my team, yet I am not a bonus eligible leader (I am one level down). I told my school board that they will have to run the next fundraiser without my help. I am going to hand off the block party organization to someone else and I am focusing on me, my family and my health. It felt good.
If BC has changed me, it has made me into a bit of a bitch. And that's okay. I've been sleeping better.
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Lets hope I dont need that! (praying)
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Corinne...I am so glad you are sleeping better!!:) I hope to figure out how to join you really soon... I will try to channel the bitch in me, too.
Sweet dreams...
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Yes, women need to learn to say "no". I've slowed down a lot at work since BC, and my boss is not thrilled about it. But I am not going to stress myself out for $12.00 an hour. Not anymore.
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Homeless, hungry, and sick while a citizen of the richest country in the world. Disgusting.
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Mardibra, exactly.....
I am not a financial analyst, I don't know what the answer is, but I know certain systems in place are not working and are not fair. 40 million uninsured Americans is unacceptable.
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