please help

portiasproudmom

Wow!  6,000 comments and over 200 pages!  We are a chatty bunch, aren't we?

Lisa, that's so great about your daughter's trip.  And you can't beat that price for airfare!  I worked for Northwest Airlines in reservations for about six months YEARS ago.  My first husband and I flew to Orlando (first class!!) for $40 each!  Can't beat that!!!  I hated the hours though.  I was newly married and there were a couple days a week when I never saw my husband.  I got to bed at 2am and he got up to go to work at 5am.  It was rough--so I quit. 

Love to everyone.  I'll bbl.

Hugs,

Karen

portiasproudmom

We love you too, Ulla!

Shirlann

I had a mental breakthrough!

A CHIN WAG, I bet, is a serious female conversation!

Hugs, Shirl 

Ulla

uh,,

i feel so lonely,,no one of my dear sisters here..

and i still feel so so down..

i dont know why i feel like that??i want to feel good again..

dear sweet sue,,i know u had a very long day working,,

where r u alll??????

portiasproudmom

I'm here, Ulla.  Not for long though--my son has baseball practice tonight and I have to take him.  I think with summer approaching, and it staying light out longer, people are doing things after work.  It has been much more quiet in the evenings than it used to be.  I'm sorry that you're still still feeling so low, honey.  If it makes you feel any better, I've been taking Tamoxifen for a week now and I haven't had a single side effect from it yet.  I was really worried that it would be awful. 

I have to run now, but I'm sure someone will be along soon.  Take care, sweet Ulla.  SMILE!!!  God loves you, and so do we!!!!!

Hugs,

Karen

Ulla

ty so much dear karen..

i dont know wat to do..i just feel so awfulll..

scared of death,,i have evry single black thought that can pass in any mind in this world..

my family in baghdad jut phoned me and gave me a scary ,horible news,,one of out neighbors who was with me and my sisters in the medicine college and who was studying to be a specialist in eyes deiseases,,(cant remember wat is the name of the branch exactly) had been killed with her mother after being raped,,they even cut them into pieces and burned thier house,,

oh god she was so young and beautifull...wat is all that ugliness in this world..

it dont deserves to be lived,,why i am still living while other sisters who shared me so many things r being raped and killed with such cold blood???why this world is so unfair like that??

my mother is so scared and worried about my 2 lil sisters as it seems that out nieborhood is not safe any more,,

and i cant do anything,,

oh gos my hear feels like its just going out of my chest,,

i cant deal with all this sadness and worriess...

wat to do??????????i cant stop crying ..and my husband is in baghdad too...i am alone ,,alooone

Anonymous

Oh, Ulla...now you have me crying too. There are vile things going on in the world everywhere, and it seems hopeless. Then I turn my eyes to the amazing deeds of ordinary people, both simple and heroic. Yes, life is worth living. One person can make a difference. You could not save your friend, but maybe you have saved another life or made the world a better place for someone.

What purpose is there in giving up? There is only meaning in taking the next step, then the next.

I, too, become engulfed in dark thoughts sometimes. Life is unfair. Why do I have to suffer when others do not? There is no answer.

Ulla, I am alone, too. I feel your pain. I am alone in a different way...there are people in the house where I live, but no one who understands or cares to understand. I live in my room alone most of the time.

So let's be alone, sad, worried, and scared together. I will fill my heart with love and caring for you. And I will fill my heart, too, with hope and a vision of you as a dentist, caring for the health of people, as a woman who challenges her mind and body to be the best they can be, as a friend who brings understanding where there is none, and of your corner of the world being better because of who you are.

My heart is also with your dear family and your husband. Be strong so that you can be there for them every day. You are so special.

Your sister,

Judie 

my3girls

Ulla, Judie...I am here!! I will not leave you two alone! Oh Ulla, I am so very sorry for the horrible things that happened to your friends.  My heart is breaking, I am so saddened by your news.  I know you feel so alone and dark, and why not me.  But honey, things happen to good people.  God has a plan for you.  Please try and feel better.  I know that is a horrible death for your friend and her mother..just horrible.  The only positive in it, is now they are in a much better place.  I wish your mom and your sisters could leave and come and be in Sweden with you.

my3girls

Ulla, just when you were doing so well and positive.  I will pray for you dear sister.  I will pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you and surround you with His love and comfort you. I pray that He does the same for your mother and your family, and that he keeps them safe in His care.  Please feel my love and care for you Ulla. Judie, I am sorry that you have people in your home, but yet you feel so alone.  That saddens me. I am picturing you alone in your room with nobody to talk too.  I am here for you Judie. I am alone most of the time here at home too, because my daughter works and she is 16, so she is out allot.  But it's ok, because when she is here, we do talk.   I read your words Judie, and again I realize how lucky I am.  I may not have a husband or boyfriend or any type of significant other, and that's ok.  I know I have a family who loves me and cares deeply for me. I will pray that things improve for you Judie. Well ladies, I am going to share with you my two pieces of good news!!! Maybe that will cheer my dear sisters up.  First of all, I got the results back from the biopsy and all were NEGATIVE!!! Yeah...sooooo happy for that wonderful news!! Secondly...I had my court date today, and thanks ladies for all of your good wishes...Jane..I think you brought me luck!! They ruled to put him in jail for 4 days, but suspened that because he agreed since now he is working a good paying job to pay me $954.00 a month!!! OH MY GOSH!! I was so happy.  He has to pay that or immediatly go to jail!! It will be deposited into my account from his pay.  I will get that much until he is caught up with all of his back pay!  I can't tell you how much that amount will ease my mind and help me out with all of my bills!  This was truly a good day!! I was on cloud nine! I will try and get a pic on here soon!  I keep forgetting to ask Olivia. Ulla, thank you so much for those two links.  I will send them to Danni to look at.  Her ticket price is such a deal, she only is paying the tax on a regular coach fare ticket.  It is standby basis, but she should be fine.  It is a trip she deserves so much!  She just graduated from Grad school with her Master's degree in Forensic Physchology.  She has taken out loans for most of her schooling and cost of living in Chicago.  I am very proud of her, and she really deserves to treat herself to this trip. My middle daughter Alise just called to let me know that even though she worked almost 30 hrs a week while in college, she pulled off a 3.5 GPA!! Very proud of her too!  When she gets home in a week...I will take her out to celebrate! I will check back in with you sweet ladies in a little while. I love you all. xoxo Lisa

Ulla

dear sisters juli and lisa..thanks alot for ur support..i needed ur presence so much as i didnt know whome to talk with or wat to do..

i cant believe how ugly this world is going to be day by day and why is all that unfairness all around us..why the weak ,good ppl suffering so much like that??wat is the purpose??

dear lisa god bless u and ur 3 daughters ...i love hearing about them ,,i feel so happy wen read ur words about them,,i hope that ur dear daughter will enjoy her trip...

i feel happy for ur good news about ur results as i was thinking about it today mornning,,,wat time is it now where u r??its 2.25am here and i just cant sleep at all..my stomach is hurting me ..i feel so shocked..and sad in a very deep way..its not just sadness its mixed with that helpless feelings and being so hopless and filled with black worries for my family and all loved ones who r still there...

dear jule...i can feel u wen u said that u r living with ppl but feel lonely..i havent told my family about my illness,,they think am living happily and safe ..i cant burden them with my illness above all wat they r passing through,,its just so so unfair,,

am sorry to sadden u sisters,,its just i dont know were to go else,,i even had suicidal thoughts passing through my mind,,i am just trying to keep contacting with u to run away from all that blackness around me ,,life looks so ugly...

Ulla

dear Judie ,,am very sorry for misspelling ur name in my last post ..its just my teary eyes that cant even do its job,,,

thanks again for ur kind words..i feel so guilty to make u cry...

its just i dont have anyone but u sisters ,,,,

my3girls

Ulla, don't feel guilty about anything.  It is 8:45pm here where I live.  I called the number just about an hour ago to hear my results.  Please Ulla, do not feel suicidal.  I know you are dealing with some very dark and ugly news.  I know you are such a good daughter, and you can't talk to your family about what you have been through.  But you need to think about all that you have come through!  Ulla you have dealt with so much, and now you are doing great ...you really are!  Please, these are just some dark moments for you...but we are here for you sweetie...we love you.  Your life is important, your husband and your family love you. Let's try and talk about something that will bring a smile to your face. What about the beautiful park that you sent the link to me?? Those flowers..oh my gosh...absolutely breathtaking! What else would you like to talk about Ulla?

Ulla

I AM TRYING TO LOOK OVER THE WHOLE BORDERS FOR STORIES ABOUT YOUNG SURVIVORS WHO HAD BABIES AFTER DIAGNOSED ,,I REALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING POSATIVE,,SOMETHING GIVE ME HOPE ,,SOMETHING TO LOOK FOR..I AM TRYING SO HARD LISA ,,AND I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO DO IT WITHOUT UR BEING WITH ME NOW..

YES THIS PARK IS CHARMING..I LOVE TULIPS SO MUCH ..THEY R MY FAVORATE ,,JUST CANT FORGET THE SCENE FROM THE TRAIN WINDOW WEN WE PASSED THROUGH THOSE WIDE FIELDS WHICH WERE FILLED WITH TULIPS...ALL COLORS ,,WE WERE TRAVELLING FROM HOLAND TO GERMANY...

IT WAS SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER FORGET..I HOPE U CAN SEE IT ONE DAY ..WHY PPL CANT JUST THINK AND LIVE WITH BEAUTY ??WHY WE NEED TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING UGLY??WHY LIFE IS SO UNFAIR WITH GOOD PPL??

SO MANY Q FILLING MY HEAD..

my3girls

I know, I wonder about those same things.  Why bad things happen to good people.  Not sure that we will ever know the reason why. I would love to travel overseas and see new places.  Maybe some day I will. Ulla, what does your doctor say about having a baby?  I would think that if your periods are back and you have been cancer free for awhile you should be able to try. You know Ulla, if for some reason, you are not able to have your own baby...you could always adopt. Would that be something you and your husband would want to do? Have I told you our wonderful adoption story?  I probably have!  I love our story!

my3girls

FOR YOU ULLA!

my3girls

THAT IS FOR YOU ULLA!  YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. LOVE YOU! LISA

livesstrong

Ulla - AE here - Oh, girlfriend, I feel terrible about what happen to your neighbor back home.  Just senseless.  I wish I had the magic answer for you, but I don't.  Just know you are loved by many here and we are here for you - always!!

livesstrong

Ulla - think back to a week ago - you were so happy to begin your new life. Don't ever forget that feeling.

Anonymous

Ulla, Ulla, Ulla!!! No guilt, please. Sharing tears is a beautiful thing between sisters. And you can spell my name any old way.

I am half Swedish, so I envy where you are, but I am not talented in the skills needed to learn another language. That has saddened me, but I have other talents and try to appreciate those.

Suicide has passed through many minds around here. It's quite natural. Antidepressants help, but the most important thing to remember is that thinking about it once in a while is ok. Action is not. Allow the thoughts to wander through and out. Avoid clinging to them and giving them power they don't deserve. I try to think about the fact that I can always decide not to do it, as long as I live. Once I take action, I no longer get to make that decision. I like to be in control.

I will think of you and be here in spirit, but I have to go up to dinner. I'll check back in after that. Oh, and lots of women have given birth after treatment. What more wonderful thought to hold above all than the love you have to give your future child! 

  

Oh, Lisa...if you've told your adoption story I've missed it. Please do tell it again. Two of my five are adopted. Here's a poem I wrote about the first one (who's now 40) Bad poetry...sorry...

  To Patti at Sixteen

I expected
A vulnerable, enchantingly perfect
Body to snuggle contentedly
In my mother-arms.

Your gangly, bald, scarlet
Coat-hanger-stiff
Body resisted me,
Screaming mother-loss.

I expected
To be fulfilled,
Experiencing the radiant
Joy of nurturing a needy innocent.

You writhed with colic,
Slept only fitfully,
Rejecting my touch
Which needed to comfort.

I expected
Us to bond instantly,
To be mother-daughter paired forever.

We wavered, the two of us,
Between tender, wondrous love
And seething rage.

I expected
Not to care
About your beginnings.

I found myself wondering
Whose eyes were reflected
In your intense, sober ones.
Whose passion for music
Flamed in you?

I expected that you would be mine,
Belonging to no other.
I desired exclusive possession,
But discovered, my precious
Woman-child, that no human
Owns another.

I learned
That our hard-earned bond,
Our sturdy mother-daughter
Sense, belongs exclusively to us.

The sacred birthing-bond
Belongs to another, whose pure love
Delivered you into my life.

I honor the woman whose body
Nourished you, whose courage
Gave you life, enabling another
To experience the richness,
The pride of being mother
To you, most beloved
Daughter.

Hang in there all! 

Sister Judie 

livesstrong

Ulla & Judy -

This is for you both

AE 

Ulla

OH AE,,AM TRYING SO HARD TO FEEL LIKE I WAS FEELING IN THE LAST WEEK..I REALLY WANT THAT ,,ITS JUST EVERYTIME I TRY TOO ,,I FEEL THAT ITS JUST UNFAIR TO FEEL BETTER WHILE OTHERS SUFFERING FOR NO GOOD REASON,,,THIS UNFAIRNESS IS REALLY KILLING ME..ITS SOMETHING MAKE ME FEEL THAT MY CHEST IS SQUEEZING MY HEART SLOWLY TAKING MY BREATH,,,

LISA,,I REALLY WANT TO TRY HAVE MY OWN BABY,,BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WISE TO WAIT 2 YEARS AT LEAST BE4 TRYING,,IT WOULD BE UNFAIR FOR MY BABY TO BRING HIM TO THIS LIFE AND LEAVE HER/HIM ALONE SO SOON WITHOUT MOM..

I DONT WANT TO CAUSE ANY PAIN FOR ANYONE..

I LOVE U SISTERS

my3girls

There you are Ulla, you set your goals.  You will live a long and healthy life from now on, and when the time is right you will be the most wonderful mother!! It is unfair that your friends had such a horrible fate. But don't feel guilt about you feeling good.  It is your time and they would want for you to feel good. Judie, I will tell you my adoption story another time, please remind me.  I didn't adopt, but my daughter's newborn son was adopted by a wonderful family.  I will give you all the wonderful details. What a great thing you did Judie.  I love the poem you wrote!  How nice for your daughter to have that now.  She is lucky to have you as a mom.  Bless you. I can't write at all, so I admire those that can. I will check back in before I go to bed.  I am really tired tonight. xoxo Lisa

Ulla

OH GOD AE AND LISA THOSE PIX R AMAZING ,,THEY REALY MADE ME SMILE ..AND JUDIE,,WAT A NICE POEM..ITS SO NICE TO KNOW THAT U R HALF SWEDISH..I LOVE SWEDISH PPL THEY R SO CAL.SO POLITE..AND SO LOVELY ,,THEY R SO PEACEFULL TOO..I LOVE THIER WAY IN DEALING WITH EVERYTHING ..CAN U BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE DECIDED SINCE SO LONG TIME NOT TO FIGHT IN ANY WAR ,,THEY ALWAYS KEPT THEMSELVES FAR AWAY FROM THE WARS ..EVEN THE WORLD WAR I AND II ,,NEVER PARTICIPATED..I LOVE THIER LOVE TO THE NATURE..DO U KNOW THAT THE SWEDISH WATERS CONSIDERED TO BE THE CLEANEST WATER IN THE WHOLE WORLD..THEY FIGHT POLUTION IN A VERY ORGANIZED,ACTOVE WAY..I LOVE EVRYTHING ABOUT THIS COUNTRY,,BUT THIER LANGUAGE CONFUSES ME ..IT IS SIMILAR TO ENGLISH IN A WAY AND IT HAS OPPOSITE GRAMMATICS IN OITHER WAYS ..ITS SO CONFUSING BUT I AM TRYING..

ME TOO HAD TRIED TO KILL MYSELF ONCE BE4 2 YEARS WEN I THOUGHT THAT I LOST DH FOREVER,,I COULDNT IMAGINE KEEP LIVING AFTER HIM,,I JUST CUT MY WRIST,,BUT THEY DID SAVED ME..AND HERE I AM..

I CANT DENY I HAD THE IDEA PASS THROUGH MY MIND IN THE DIFFICUILT TIMES ,,BUT NEVER WANTED REALLY TO REPEAT IT AGAIN,,I DONT KNOW IF ITS TRUE OR NOT BUT I HAVE READ THAT WEN THE ONE TRY TO KILL HIMSELF ONCE AND BEEN SAVED ,,HE NEVER TRY IT AGAIN,,,MAY BE ITS TRUE

FORGIVE ME AS I FEEL AM SO TALKATIVE TODAY...I CANT STOP TALKING ,,JUST TO KEEP MYSELF BUSY ...I HOPE U ALL UNDERSTAND,,I FEEL MY WORDS R NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER,I FEEL LIKE THAT I AM TALKING AND TALKING BUT THERE IS NO MEANNING TO WAT I SAY,,,ITS VERY STRANGE

livesstrong

Ulla - there are no guarantees in life - to put it bluntly - shit happens.  Is it always fair, absolutely not.  It just IS.  Your time of pain & suffering has ended.  You paid your dues, you have been to hell and back.  Was that fair?  Hell, no.  Its time for you to enjoy the second chance God has given you.

livesstrong

Ulla - are you on anti- depressants now?  Have you gotten your period yet?  Maybe your hormones are starting to kick back in and that is one of the reasons you are feeling the way you are.   I remember Sue having a terrible time in the beginning of her journey, remember that?

I'm thinking - do you think there is a way you can come here in September?   

Ulla

YES AE U R SO RIGHT ,,SHIT HAPPENS ..AND THE SAD THING IS THAT IT HAPPENS FOR SOME REALY GOOD PPL WHO DONT DESERVE IT AT ALL..U KNOW THIS DOCTOR THAT THEY RAPED ,,CUT TO PEICES KILLED AND BURNED,,SHE WAS SO NICE YOUNG IRL..SHE IS YOUNGER THAN ME 4 YEARS ,,SHE WAS JUST 31 YEARS OLD,,SHE COULDNT HAVE THE CHANCE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY SO SHE KEPT THERE WITH HER MOTHER,,SHE DECIDED TO HAVE HER SPECIALITY TO HELP PPL ..SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFULL INSIDE AND OUTSIDE,,FILLED WITH HOPE,LIFE,ENERGY AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT ONE CAN IMAGINE,,,WHY IN THE WORLD GOD ALLOW HER TO SUFFER SUCH HORROR!!!!!!I JUST CANT UNDERSTAND ,,CANT ACCEPTEG,,CANT THINK RIGHT...

livesstrong

Ulla - Lisa & I are coming to get you -

my3girls

Ulla, I had no trouble understanding what you were saying.  I am sorry that you felt so low as to try and take your life.  But you were saved and you are supposed to be here.  So live and try to be happy!  You are a beautiful person with so much to share and give. Ae is right, this could be all hormonal.  Are you on anti-depressants?  I went on them in March, and God, I am glad I did.  I feel so much better.  Don't be afraid of the tamoxifin.  I have been on it since October, and a few s/e in the beginning.  But I am fine now.

Ulla

AE ,,I HAD MY 1ST PERIOD IN 16TH OF APRIL AFTER IT DISAPPEARED SINCE 6TH JANUARY ,,SO U MIGHT BE RIGHT,,

THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY R NOT GIVING ME ANY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS HERE ..THEY R SO RESTRICTED IN USING DRUGS HERE ..AND THE SYSTEM HERE THAT THE ONE CANT BUY MEDICENE AT ALL WITHOUT A MEDICAL PRESCRIPTION,,,EXCEPT THE SIMPLE THINGS THERE IS NOTHING I CAN BUY FROM THE PHARMACY...AND MY DOCTORS KEPT SAYING TO ME THAT I AM STRONG AND I MUST DO IT WITHOUT DRUGS,,,EVERYTIME U TELL ME ABOUT ANTIDEPRESSANTS I ASK THEM AND THEY GIVE ME THE SAME ANSWER,,,

EVERYTHING HERE IS SO SO SO STRANGE FOR ME ..ALL MY LIFE HAS BEEN RUNNING CRAZILY IN THE LAST 2 YEARS,,,

livesstrong

I truly believe even though she is gone, her soul is still here and she lives on thru another.