I am getting there! Slowly. There is Hope!

honeygirl

Hi Kaloni! Well your having a better day so it is my turn to be down. I am so happy the weather is nice. But I went outside and just wanted to get on my mower and mow the lawn. But I can't. I need to do the weed wacking. But I can't. I want to get my lawn furniture out and clean it. But I can't. This is so depressing. My skin from my chest down is hyper-sensitive to the touch! I don't know how long it takes before that stops hurting. I walked around the yard. But now my stomach hurts. I am just so used to feeling good and doing anything I wanted to do. Now , I have to take "baby steps" threw this part and I am so not good at that. So I came in the house and started crying and then my sister called. I think God knew I really needed that right then! She made me laugh. And I did feel better. But you know what else is really hitting me every now and then? The craving for a cigarette! Man , I was hoping that was behind me. Maybe because before , when I smoked, feeling down I probably would have smoked more. Ok , enough , I shall offer this all up to God and He shall carry me. Thanks for listening. God Bless us all , real good. And may he grant us Peace.

ripplesdf

Kaloni and Honeygirl just try to breathe in and breathe out in the fresh air. I was at a barbeque today here in Ny and the weather was beautiful. Everytime I thought of my upcoming excisional biopsy and started to get upset I just closed my eyes and thought "this too shall pass". I will not let this worry get to me if I can help it. I haven't even been diagnosed B9 or malignant, but I think of everyone here and no matter what my outcome, I know that deep in my heart I will make sure all my friends and loved ones will know of my experience and I will feel better knowing maybe I helped someone become more aware of this journey we're going thru. I can only imagine what you ladies are feeling and I pray for you every day for the strength to keep you going. It inspires me when I read your posts. I just know we will be here again the same time next year looking back "on the other side" as they say. Sending loving hugs and prayers. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

Ka-Loni

Hi Sweety, I am so sorry you are down. I think it's contagious! All these emotions are crazy. I know you want to do the things you love to do. I am sorry. Yes, unfortunately, I have been there too. This time right now you have to just take it easy. And, yes taking baby steps is what you have to do right now. You will heal up real soon, and then you can do your things. I know it is so frustrating. Keep your strength now. And, hold on to your faith and hope. Take one day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. God will give us our peace in time. We sure deserve it. You get your rest now, and just know your going to be just fine.

God Bless,
Kaloni

Ka-Loni

Hello, Dawn thank you also for your lovely post. Today, was a good day. I started going to my support group at Lee Moffitt where I get my treatment. It will definitely help me. And, everyone is so nice. I hope to be a positive influence for them. Yes, it is my second home there. And, I hope to carry my career dreams there someday. I felt good today. And, just feeling lazy too. I just wanted to let you know my good thing today was being able to open up to other ladies today. I listened to them and could see there pain. I remember telling one lady there that has lost hope in herself, to keep God as her main focus and strength. Too keep her faith and that will carry her hope through this. Too never, never give up. I feel this was my good thing today.

God Bless,
Kaloni

JaxsonHarley

Hi Kaloni, Honeygirl, and Dawn,
Just wanted to check on you girls. Dawn, NY certainly was gorgeous this week-end, I ended riding all week-end, put over 300 miles on my bike! When I am on that motorcycle, the whole world goes away, it is my therapy, my happy place.Honeygirl, the bad days happen, just find the one good thing for that day,then try & kick the rest aside. I know easier said than done,but God will get us through this,Like I have told Kaloni, even if your one good thing is coming here, then so be it.Kaloni, I am so happy that you have found a group to talk to, that is great! You sound like you are going to be a very positive influence for them, I hear alot of good things about Lee Moffit Centers. That is where a friend of mine had her treatment.You are in a good place! Well, I am at work, so have to get a moving here, I wish everyone a good thing for tomorrow, and peace in your hearts, (((hugs))) and Love always, Jackie

ripplesdf

Hi ladies. What a beautiful weekend it was. I did got out and enjoy it after running errands and doing housework. Opened a lot of windows and we put screens in!! Got in the 80's yesterday. I took my little one's outside twice and they loved it. My husband put the battery back in his Harley and my daughters Honda and got them both going. I had to help him get the seat on ours and what I time we had lining up one little hole to put a bolt in!!! I think I pulled some muscles and of course it's on my left side just above my boob. It's better today. I finally called my docs office today to see if they had a date for my excisional biopsy set up and they gave me a date of May 4th already. The doc thought it would be 4 weeks before she could do it. I'll be glad to get it over with. I hate this waiting game. Hang in there Honeygirl. We'll get thru this with all the support here. Jackie glad you had a great weekend riding. I followed my husband 3 miles down the road so he could take our daughter's Honda to her, but the road was so dusty it was hard to believe after all the rain we had that there would be anything there. Our town puts mostly sand on our roads and very little salt. I think we'll have to hose it down ourselves at this rate LOL!! You are and inspiration to me. I know I'll be able to ride after reading your posts. Honeygirl it is very hard and can be frustrating to see what you can't do, but hang in there and before you know it youll be doing more everyday. At least it's not the middle of the summer. I had a hard time 10 yrs ago when I dislocated my shoulder. It was very painful and I've had 3 kids!! It was just as painful not being able to mow or take care of my garden, but it healed and I was back at it in no time. I'll be praying for you. Take care Kaloni. I'm glad to hear that you're thinking about your career where you're getting treatment. It's amazing sometimes how fate can change our outlook on life isn't it? Love all you guys and so glad to have you for support. I am trying so hard to keep busy and this helps me when I'm having my down time. Hugs and prayers to everyone. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

honeygirl

Hi Kaloni , Jackie and Dawn. I'm glad everyone enjoyed this past weekend. Dawn , I'll be thinking and praying for you on May 4th. Positive thoughts for B9! Thank you all for your kind and positive words. I got a call today. My bs hooked me up with a medical oncologist. My appt. is Thurs.. I'm not sure if I have to do chemo or not because my path. is borderline and they may have me do the oncotype testing. I guess I'll find out Thurs. Ok , hope all is well with you ladies and are all having a peaceful evening. Hugs and prayers to you all.

Ka-Loni

Thank You so much for posting Jackie, Dawn and Honeygirl. I am so glad your weekend was nice. I figured I would pop in and say hello. I started my support group yesterday. It went good. I will go on Tuesdays, and then all the ladies go have lunch together after the session. Today, I hope to enjoy and relax, and get my daily walk in. I need that fresh breeze. My good thing today was coming here and posting. I get such relief to come here and talk with you. Well, I hope you find your good thing today too. Keep your faith and hope going.

God Bless You Ladies,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

Hi ladies. So good to read your posts. Just reading and posting here is my good thing everyday. I did manage to do my Leslie Sansone walking/exercise video today which I haven't done in a while. If I don't keep on top of it, I seem to get "stiff" in the hips-guess that's old age.LOL. Honeygirl sounds like you're doing ok. Hope all goes well with your oncologist. Kaloni I'm so glad to hear you joined that group. Sounds like a great bunch of people and you get to go for lunch. What a deal. Enjoy your walk. It's too rainy and cold here today. Quite a change from 80 degrees on Mon. I think it's only about 50 today. Oh well. Spring has sprung. So glad you started this thread Kaloni. BTW I phoned our friend Beth yesterday and had a nice chat with her. She's such a nice lady. Well take care ladies. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

JaxsonHarley

Hi Kaloni, Dawn, & Honeygirl,
I am so happy to see everyone finding their good thing for the day,and doing so well. Honeygirl, good luck with your appt.tomorrow.I am headed back to the OR tomorrow.I had ian infection after my mastectomy, on the lat flap side, and now this little hole that opened up to drain things won't close again.So we need to go in and clean it up and close it! I had previous radiation 5 yrs ago, and it is giving us a big headache now. The PS thinks this should take care of things, hopefully the expander won't have to come out.I am supposed to start chemo Tuesday, so we need this to be resolved! So my good thing today was coming here and finding you all having a good day.Honeygirl, good luck with your appt. tomorrow, I will be thinking good thoughts for everyone. I should be home tomorrow night, so I will check in to see how everyone is.Have a lovely, peaceful evening ladies,(((hugs))) & Love, Jackie

ripplesdf

Jackie good to hear from you again. I hope all goes well for you today and you can heal up that nasty infection. I don't know how you do it. You are amazing. You were just out on your bike last weekend! I only hope I can be half as strong as you.
Honeygirl I'll be thinking of you today. God bless.
Kaloni hoping your having a good day today. I am so glad that you are taking the time to post. It really means a lot to me to read everyone's posts on this thread. You are such an inspiration. I think your support group is probably very appreciative of your thoughts too. YOU and this thread are going to be my good thing everyday.
I'm really pooped today. Had a really hard time falling asleep last nite and once I did I kept waking up. Take care and God Bless. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

Ka-Loni

I just love your beautiful posts. Jackie I hope everything goes well in surgery today. I will be thinking about you. Dawn, I am so glad I touch your heart.It really helps doesn't it? Dawn, just remember you can ask or talk about anything on this thread. You can open up here. It does not have to be about breastcancer, it can be about life itself. I try to post everyday. My responding back to you is a little off keel right now, but I will get it. I am happy to be your inspiration, that makes me feel good. Yes, I hope to help others in my support group, not be just another one with all the issues. I remember when the last group session ended, a lady came up to me and said,"thank you so much for your softness." That made me feel real good knowing I touched her heart. I will post again today.
My prayers and thoughts are out for you.

God Bless,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

Thanks again Kaloni but don't feel your "obligated" to me to always post a response. I know you're going thru alot right now and probably very busy. Just know that I already think of you guys as friends who will listen and offer support and I really do appreciate your kind words.
I'm not having such a good day today. I'm really beginning to get nervous. I guess it's sinking in b/c tomorrow I go for my preop stuff and it's nerve wracking to say the least knowing in a week that this lump is outta here. I am pretty tired today b/c I had a very hard time falling asleep last nite-which I never do. Usually I'm asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Hopefully I'll be so tired tonite, I'll be asleep BEFORE my head hits the pillow LOL.
BTW have you ever experienced sharp, piercing pain in your
breast like almost like needles poking it at times? It doesn't happen every day, but seems to be more like every other day when it used to few and far between. Just wondering-maybe I'm just nuts (hee, hee)
Well take care. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

honeygirl

Hi ladies. I just wrote you all the longest post. And when I went to post it , it was lost. So sorry. I am so tired. I will repost either later or tomorrow.

CaliforniaKate

Kaloni, I just wanted to tell you that I started going to a support group 4 years ago, when I was diagnosed with IDC. They started out to be a really nice group of women, and have turned into a dozen of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I know a lot of support groups don't work out for people, but if you find a good one, you've struck gold. Kate

Ka-Loni

Hi Dawn, I never feel obligated. I only feel happy to respond when I can. Yes, you are right, I have a lot on my plate. It never seems to end. I am sorry yesterday was not a good day. Your nervous about your surgery. You will be just fine. At least your only having a excisional biopsy. You know when I had my lump, I felt every other day or so a burning sensation. So, your not imagining it. You will be in my prayers and thoughts for today. You will get through it. Take care.

Good Luck,
God Bless,
Kaloni

Ka-Loni

Hi Honeygirl, Oh, I am so sorry. You know that happens to me too. I type in a post and I go to save it and it says "I cannot proceed". What's this? I have reported it to the moderators. It makes me so upset. I Hope you post again soon. Take care.

Good Luck,
God Bless,
Kaloni

Ka-Loni

Hi Kate, Thank you for your sweet post. Yes, I think I have found a good one. Nice ladies. I hope this turns into a good thing for me. Take Care.

Good Luck,
God Bless,
Kaloni

JaxsonHarley

Hi Kate, Kaloni, Dawn & Honeygirl,
Just wanted to pop in and say Hello and making sure you all are finding your good thing today.i had my surgery yesterday,& unfortunately,they had to remove my expander on the left side.Now it will have to wait until chemo is over to put another in and start all over again.Really a dissappointing day.I had to say,my good thing was coming here and finding everyone doing well.Somy good thing today is coming here again, and leaving to visit some friends in PA for the week-end.I need a break from everything.So ladies, I will be thinking of you all this week-end, and wishing you all some peace, comfort and Love. Bless you,
Jackie

Ka-Loni

Hello, I figured I would post again today. Just a extra bit of love to send your way. Again, All your beautiful posts are wonderful to read. I love to come here. It gives me a calm feeling inside knowing others are there too. Today, Was a quiet and relaxing day for me. And, the weekend is here again. I sure hope you all have a beautiful and wonderful weekend.

God Bless You Ladies,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

Hi all. Good to hear from everyone. Jackie I hope you heal quickly this time and will be thinking of you and sending gentle hugs. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. Why can't anything be easy.
I think I'm doing better today. Last night I participated in the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society. I did it last year and stayed all night and walked from 6PM until 10 AM the next morning only taking 3 half hour breaks. It was a great (and tiring) experience. I took my sis who wanted to go and see the ceremonies and activities. The luminary lighting is the most beautiful thing to see. Over 4000 bags all lit up inside the track in an oval shape 5 and 6 rows deep. I promised my sis I would take her as her mother in law is
now at the final stage of her cancer journey. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 15 yrs ago and did so well for so long and then it reappeared last year. It is only a matter of hours or days at this point. She is at home with Hospice help and her loved ones. So it meant alot to Vicki to have me take her. Her husband was camping out at his mom's last nite and my daughter called him just to say we loved him. It was very emotional, but I'm glad we were there for my sis.
I am very sore today after 4 hours of walking, but it's a good kind of sore. When we left at 11PM they had announced that so far $138,000 had been raised at that point. Amazing what a small community can do when they join together.
I'm looking forward to tonite. Some friends and I are taking my daughter out for her 30th. She knows we're going out dancing, but she doesn't know we have her fellow teacher's and other friends there waiting for her to surprise her when we get there. Looks like I may be sore from dancing tomorrow (LOL)! I have my biopsy Fri. so I guess I'll get my fun in now. We have a wedding Sat. that our son is in and it's going to kill me not to be able to dance. I guess I shouldn't complain.
Again my good thing is coming here to read your posts and feeling sore from last nite.
Hugs and prayers to all. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

Ka-Loni

Hello ladies, I figured this morning I would pop in and say hello. It is a beautiful day. I feel iffy today. I been feeling a downer coming a little, so I took a little xanax. I want to get in my flower garden today some, but I might be too lazy. Ha. It might be one of those days for me. I been having alot of these days here lately. Not good. I hope you all have a wonderful day. And, find a good thing today.

God Bless You Ladies,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

Kaloni enjoy those flowers for me!!! It's still cold here in NY. Going to help DH do some yardwork at our daughter's. Hugs. Keeping the faith...Dawn

Ka-Loni

Hello Ladies, It is Monday morning. And it is just beautiful out. I sit in front of my computer again. Dawn, I managed to move some rocks in one of the flower beds. I want to lay some fresh dirt and some shells down for this summer. I think that would be pretty. I am feeling good so far, and trying to enjoy my days. Today, I am going to rake some. We are good for pine needles. I hope you find a good thing today. Mine was coming here. I feel so at home coming here and posting to you all. Have a Happy day and Take care.

God Bless You Ladies,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

It's another sort of chilly day. The sun is in and out and it rained this morning. But I can see some of my flowers coming up. The 4 kids I watch are right FULL of it today. I just had a coloring contest with them. I see I have some sticker "remains" stuck to the kitchen floor to remove (LOL). They keep me up and going most of the time. Don't know what I'd do without them. I'd have to get a REAL job I suppose. It doesn't pay a lot, but my husband has good insurance coverage thank goodness. I had to call the ins. today b/c the hospital had a sign posted at the admissions desk that NYC's insurance co. GHI may not pay some procedures! I checked the website weeks ago and it said I did so I had to get the # and listen to a recording and push several numbers and FINALLY got to talk to a real person. She said that I was fully insured and that it only pertained to people having MRI's etc. I thought thank God I don't need an MRI because I'd have to travel an hour in another direction to get one. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to getting it done Friday morning. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend in the 70's so I know I'm going to be itching to get in my flowers, but I know I won't be moving very well. I'll just have to be patient and enjoy the sunshine-isn't that ashame (LOL). My good thing for today is posting to you and my dear little monsters running around. I love to hear them laugh. Take care. Hugs and prayers to all. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

Ka-Loni

Hi Dawn, I am not really sure, but you sound a little down today. The children will cheer you up. I know your excisional biopsy is May 4 right? I know all this waiting has gotten you a little down. Sweety, You will have this done, and you will be well on your way. Will you be having any chemo or radiation eventually? You will do fine with this. Be strong through this time period. It is a hurdle and you will jump it. You can open up to me and talk to me anytime. Even, if you have to send a private message. I am here for you. Take Care.

God Bless,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

Hi Kaloni, 2 kids out of 4 asleep so I'm here trying to pass some time away. It seems to be dragging today. Yes my biopsy is May 4th at 7:30AM. I don't know about any treatment yet as I won't know what the biopsy results are for probably at least a week according to the doctor. I'm trying to stay positive and hoping it's B9. I just have this "feeling" that it's not going to be. It just feels so odd. It is an oblong thickening-about 2 inches and has a pea size lump in it. I know it just does not belong there and am hoping it's just changes from aging. I am premenopausal and I will be 50 this summer. I know there are a lot of hormonal changes going on and am hoping it's due to this. Guess it's my mind's way of preparing me for the worst but hoping for the best. I know I will be ok either way because of what I've read on this site. Just knowing I have you guys to talk to helps me sooo much.
BTW it sounds like a beautiful idea to put shells in your garden. I do love the ocean so and wished I could visit it more often. My MIL who passed away 3 yrs ago lived in Holiday FL on the gulf coast, just north of Tampa. I loved to go to Clearwater Beach every chance I got. Wish I was there right now. Spring never comes fast enough here for me in beautiful Catskill Mtns. of NY. Well take care and thanks for the message. You DO make me feel so much more positive and hopeful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a beautiful soul looking out for others when you have your own worries. God Bless. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

Ka-Loni

Oh No, ladies here I go again. I am not doing good. I started feeling down last night.I even missed my support group this morning. It will never end for me. With all this waiting and waiting, I am so stuck in limbo anymore. I do not know what to do with myself. I am not working, because of my charity and all these darn appointments. I feel so guilty, that I should be doing something more. Sometimes, I want to just end my life. Why go on. But, something stops me. God, does help me. I did take some Xanax and feel the effects of that. It always helps. If anyone can give me some advice or hope please do, because I sure need it. Time is of the essence now. I feel like life is passing me by every blink of the eye. It is flying by so fast and I will never catch up. It will be to late for me in the long run. If I could wave a magic wond I would and fix all this for me. I am so sorry for my negativity today, I always seem to be an inspiration to you more than anything. Not today. Today, I will curl up in my blanket on this beautiful day, and wish it were all better for me. I pray to God today and to my best, best friend Denise that is in heaven now due to chondrosarcoma of her right pelvis. I go to her website whenever I feel this way, and she sends me such love and strength. She was a brave and strong beautiful woman. And, I miss her so.....Please pray for me today that I will get out of this F....Funk. Excuse me for that, but it is so true. If I had it my way my life would be different than this. I am thank ful to have Mike my hubby to stand by me each day. And I am so thankful for all the special friends I have made on here. You are so special. Honeygirl, you are the sweetest of all. And Capetownjanine- Janine you are sweet too. Beth, dawn and Jackie I love you too. please pray for me today. Give me strength to carry this through. Give me faith and give me hope.....I love you all.

You can visit my Best friend Denise. Her website is beautiful. www.caringbridge.org/fl/denisejanine and you will see her there. She passed in Oct 2005.

God Bless,
Kaloni

ripplesdf

Kaloni lately I find myself constantly praying without even realizing it sometimes. Know that I pray for you all the time. You will get thru this. We all love you here and I'm sure your DH Mike is/will be your strength. I don't know what I would do without my Mike. He is such a sweety. I hate to put him thru any of this worry. I've tried for so long to act like it's not bothering me, just so he doesn't get upset. I have done so good for months and now that my biopsy is on Friday I seem to be falling apart. It doesn't help that I don't have my little ones to watch today. The time is dragging. I could sew some teddybears, but I don't feel like it. I could paint some of my craft projects, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I'm stuck in time. It seems since Jan. I am in limbo and cannot concentrate enough to take my mind off this worry. Maybe I can ask the doc Fri that does my biopsy if she can give me something. I am not a pill popper, so it takes alot for me to even think about taking anything. DS had to stop taking her meds due to bad reaction (constant diahrea) even though they switched her to 3 different things. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to have to wait. I wish I could make it better and take it all away-erase it or something. I feel like I've known you for a long time at this point. You are such an inspiration and don't ever forget that we all love you and care very deeply about you. All I want to do is hold your hand and give you the biggest hug. I hope your blanket and you can just relax and have a long, lazy nap together. Maybe you'll have some sweet dreams and feel better. It's so funny I was just on this site maybe 10 minutes ago and went back off but then came back again before I go upstairs to see if I can get some rest-and there you were needing some hugs and loving thoughts. I have a special blanket that I bought my mom several years ago and she used it all the time. When she passed away 2 years ago, I started sleeping with it every nite-even in the summer-which is very hot but I can't bear the thought of not having it on me. It's like she is hugging me when I have it on me. We even took it to Hawaii when our kids sent us for our 30th anniv.! LOL. I said something to my DH about missing my blankie when we were packing for the trip and thought he'd laugh. Instead he STUFFED the crap out of our big suitcase with it and looked at me with tears in his eyes and we just laughed. That's what a sweetheart he is.
Kaloni know that I will be thinking of you and saying lots of prayers. I wish we lived closer. I'd be there for you. I am going to check out your friend's site and then I will try to get some sleep too. I wake up about 3AM every morning and cannot for the life of me get back to sleep and it's catching up to me.
Sweet dreams. Love, hugs and prayers. Keepin' the faith...Dawn

JaxsonHarley

Dear Kaloni,
I am so sorry to hear of the rough day you have had.I also am sorry about your best friends passing.i will go check out that website, thank you for sharing with us.I hope that you went right for that blanket, curled up rested your weary soul today.We sometimes need to do just that.It takes alot to deal with what we all do, and to try and be strong everyday is also alot to do sometimes. You know we are all here for you and love you dearly, and praying for strength and comfort for you.I hope the morning sunshine enters your heart tomorrow and brings you some.
Dawn, thank you for the hugs, I am feeling better today.I went to PA to visit some friends we met at a Harley Rally,it was nice to just get away and relax.I started chemo this morning, so far so good.I feel pretty good, except for this rotten case of hiccups I can't get rid of! We are going riding again this Saturday.I hope you can out and enjoy the weather this week-end.it is supposed to be nice! I will be thinking of you Friday,and wishing the best in that it all goes well for you.Wear a shirt with big pockets, and you can stuff us in there to be with you!
Honeygirl, hope all is well with you, and wishing all you ladies to find your good thing tomorrow, peace and comfort, and strength,(((hugs))) and prayers and Much Love, Jackie