STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
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understandable Lita. There's a quality of life issue. I hate how religion and the government control and decide what we do with our own bodies. None of anyone's biz.
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Lita: I don't think that praying for a peaceful death is a negative attitude at all. I think that physical life is overrated, we leave when we have done everything we had to do in this world, it is not written in stone that we ALL must die at an old age, then why not want to leave while we sleep? For me it would be a blessing
Personally, I have prayed every night for the same since my diagnosis, but of course, it seems a selfish attitude towards others, as if being a burden was very considerate. -
Alice, your sister TEXTED you that your mom had died?! Are you serious?! There are no words. No words.
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Runor, yep, that's how the Freak operates. She is very consistent at doing and saying the wrong, least human thing. When our Dad died and I got kind of weepy at his memorial, she came up and said "I know he meant a lot to you." WTF? That's what an acquaintance says! Best I can figure, some particularly cold-hearted aliens did a body switch on her years ago. 👽
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Alice, I wonder about those kinds of people. I know someone who, while very well meaning, never fails to say the VERY WORST THING in any given situation. My mouth has literally fallen open in stunned disbelief. I shake my head, no, you did not really just say what I think you said, are you kidding me with this shit? I think there are some who suffer from a severe form of emotional terror and when faced with strong emotions, or even not so strong emotions, they literally freeze, like a deer in the headlights. And what comes out of their mouth is evidence that the brain has ceased to function, locked, unthinking, in terror. It's not that they're mean, but in the face of crisis they cannot react correctly. My husband is like that. It's a form of social retardation. Once, while trying to talk to me in an alluring way, meant to flatter and woo me, he said my ears reminded him of eggs. Really? His idea of sexy talk is that my ears look like eggs? I've also been told I remind him of Witchy Poo and I have beady eyes. Just stop talking, Buster, you're digging a deep hole. I think your sister might be like that. Does not play well with others.
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People. Can't live with them, can't shoot them.
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Edj3, ya made my day!
Runor, my sister is bipolar but untreated for about 30 years. Unfortunately, back when we were growing up, my Mom alternated between getting in screaming matches with her, and telling me "Don't do anything to upset her, you know how she gets." She was still saying that more than half a century later. It never occurred to my family to take her to a doctor for it - and I'm not sure treatment was all that great in the 1950s and 60s. She was treated for a brief time in the 80s after an involuntary hospitalization, but never followed up after the initial diagnoses, so she never renewed the prescription for the lithium that helped her tremendously for the short time she used it. She won't go to a doctor for ANYTHING, always with some creative excuse, but I'm pretty sure she's afraid they'd bring up her erratic behavior. She has alienated so many people over the years with her abrasiveness. I'm sorry she has this medical problem, but it's frustrating because she's paranoid and claims everyone else has a problem, and won't help herself. At this point, I don't know how much of her behavior is due to the bipolar issue, and how much is habitual from nobody confronting her about it for decades. But I just can't deal with her any more. I limit contact to texts lately, but shut off notifications because she texts non-stop, alternating between descriptions of fairly normal activities, obsessing over food (she claims dozens of undiagnosed allergies), and insults out of the blue. It's exhausting and unpleasant. We live in the same city, but I haven't seen her since my kidney surgery last September. She had said she'd be there, then FORGOT, so Hubby texted her, but she didn't show up until I was in the OR. When I got back to the room, she said she was tired and going home. Some support. She and her adult children are my only close relatives. I stay in touch with my niece and nephew via FB, but my sister gets upset about that, too. She says I need her permission. They're middle-aged!
Whew, guess I needed that particular rant. Sorry for gnawing your ear (or eyes) off!
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No I get it.
My own sibling story isn't quite as wretched but I'll share anyway. My only full sibling lives in the same metro area as I do. Years ago, he and his wife made a decision to shun me because I'd separated from my now ex-husband. Here's the kicker: I didn't notice because there was no change in their behavior toward me, we never saw each other.
We still rarely talk. I did let him know about the BC, mostly because if I'd come back with a genetic issue then he would need to think about telling his six kids. I didn't, and I haven't talked to him since, what, April?
Oh and they did apologize for the shunning. Sort of. My SIL said "I'm sorry we shunned you . . . (wait for it) . . . but we believed we were doing the right thing."
Yeah, that's not an apology.
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Sorry to go back to an old topic but I've been thinking about if I use battle or journey or fight or whatever. I decided that the best I can do is clusterf$ck. Here's the Wiktionary definition. Fits perfectly.
A chaotic situation where everything seems to go wrong. It is often caused by incompetence, communication failure, or a complexenvironment.
Plus my sister is really boring.
BTW, Bi-polar disorder is pretty serious. I'd still rather have that than cancer (maybe). The side effects of lithium are brutal. I have a friend with bi-polar and he cannot function on lithium. There are some newer drugs that are slightly better.
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Alice, what was life like for your sister's children? And your sister has no say over who her kids relate to or not. She does not own them. I know, shocking!
Edj3, my brother lives 15 minutes away from me and we do not speak. Do not see each other. When he heard I had cancer it didn't even warrant a phone call. I agree, that was not an apology.
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Runor, my sister's kids are nice, but complicated. After the parents divorced, they used the kids as pawns - shared custody, but something like two weeks with each, so a lot of going back and forth. And when one parent moved to a new school district, the other had to move also. The two kids grew into compassionate, intelligent adults, but my nephew is indecisive and it took him a long time to settle into a good job and good relationship. If he divorces #3, I'm keeping the wife and dumping the nephew - she's terrific. But the nephew has a great sense of humor; he told me he was going to take his mother's texts to a poetry open mike night. My niece is very driven, doing Alzheimer's research at a university, plus getting an advanced degree in psychology. I think growing up with her mother has made her want to understand the workings of the brain on several levels. But she's more of an enabler and apologist. When my sister would start snarling at my mother or me on holiday gatherings, the son would apologize on her behalf and try to diffuse the situation. The daughter seemed to think we should just take whatever her mother was dishing out.
I know it's rough for the person who is bipolar. She is living in a different world than the rest of us, surrounded by pinatas that she thinks are grenades. But after nearly seven decades of being my sister's verbal punching bag, I'm pretty exhausted. She denies she is abrasive and abusive, even when I have the insulting words she has written. I guess I haven't felt like letting it bounce off me in the last year when I've had so many other things going on. And with our mother gone, I'm not sure I care.
It's sad how many of us have sprained or fractured relationships with siblings. Hubby's family is large and noisy and they all get along fabulously. They don't necessarily see each other often, but there's never any drama or whining with any of them.
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Mental illness is a bitch. If your sis didn't have bp then I'd be shocked about the text on your dad's passing. Got a cousin with bp. It's wild.
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I can relate. My husband is BP. He takes his meds otherwise we wouldn’t be together. Before he was officially DX his mood swings were brutal. He’s much better now but every now and then he reverts back to his sharp tongue and abrasive manner. No fun for those of us who bear the brunt of their behavior.
My family is highly competitive and noisy. My husband's family is the exact opposite. My family talks too much. His doesn’t talk enough. Both families have the “black sheep” who tries to manipulate everything and everyone.
I wouldn’t put up with being the punching bag any longer. When is enough enough? My brother who was the BS has ostracized the rest of the family. It’s really sad but his choice. With our parents gone he doesn’t have anyone to run interference for him anymore. He lives in town but we never see him. The last time he contacted me was to ask for financial help. It had been 7 years since I had heard from him. Tells you everything you want to know about our relationship or lack of.
Diane
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I don't know anyone bipolar but I know about lack of empathy from certain family members. I also made the personal decision to cut ties from people who don't give a rip about me and be happy for once. I don't need to retell history that is all over the earlier pages of this forum but sometimes cutting ties is best for everyone. I don't have to walk on eggshells or worry about verbal/emotional abuse and they go about their lives as well. It is a win/win. They don't need to pretend to care either which is fine as well.
Letting go of toxicity whether it is caused by BP, mental illness or just plain being assholes benefits both parties and will make ourselves feel better in the end. It is just hard to do. For myself, it was like a death in the family as I new I would never see this person again but for myself, life is more peaceful and I feel stronger for having made the hard decision instead of both parties trying to hurt each other. We both get to focus on our families, I focus on walking my path alone and being more independent. I have an older brother and family that calls and we go out for coffee or have the odd meal together. I see them every week and that is enough for me. They spent months taking care of me and my house, it is nice that everyone gets a rest.
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I talked to my husband about his money/retirement comments. He said if I thought we had enough money to spend then he had no problem with me spending it, as long as it didn't set back our retirement. So I had to tell him that I thought early retirement isn't a realistic goal anymore because my risk of recurrence is so high and I've looked at ACA insurance and it's just terrible in Arizona so I'll need to work until I'm on Medicare. It took some convincing, but I laid out my recurrence risk as 30% over the next 10 years + 1-2% every year thereafter. Of course those numbers vary wildly depending on who I get them from, but 30% is about the average of what I've been given and the 1-2% thing is in a lot of literature. He took out his calculator, did the math, looked at the number, said he must've done it wrong, and then did it again. Then he got up and went for a walk.
When he came back, he said he didn't think we should change any plans because we can't know what's going to happen with health insurance. I disagreed and said we should probably do more living for the moment instead of saving for the future. Even if insurance is a non-issue by the time we've saved enough, who knows if I'll still be alive and cancer free by then? I don't know if he's still in denial of that part (though he did the math) or if he's just so intent on the idea of retiring early that he's not understanding that I'm not super enthusiastic about saving for a future that I may never see.
Can a person be a little bit autistic? I seriously think he might be. I've always kind of wondered, but typing this all out now it seems kind of likely.
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“A little bit autistic” could be Asperger’s syndrome. In any case, maybe give him time to digest and mull over these new ideas about living for the moment vs. saving for the future.
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This is probably the wrong perspective to have, but I'm spending my money now. I do keep about 3-4 months worth of living expenses set aside in case something happens to me or my husband (our income) and hope that will be enough time to get us assistance should a turn of events lead to that. I'm not paying huge premiums for a long term care insurance plan. My experience with my mother having to be placed in a facility and then my in-laws needing help, it seems to me the less you have the sooner you can get Medicaid. So, that's my thinking....Aside from my husbands business credit card, we have no other debts at the moment, and we're renters, we don't own any real estate. We do have medical insurance through my employer and we both have life insurance policies. No retirement for me. Kudos to those able to do it!
Edited to add that there are plenty of medical bills, not sure that qualifies as actual debt. I didn't choose to use my insurance. Currently around 6K, and of course still going. Not using my money to pay these off in full, paying what I can, when I can.
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I spend but not as nutty as before. I'm on Medicare but I'm not comfy assuming it'll be there the rest of my life. It may not get chopped all together but modifications usually are to our disadvantage.
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I do hope to keep a job and stay employer covered until I can get on Medicare. I should save for a supplemental insurance, we will need that!
Last night I slept a really long time. I think it was the heat we had over the weekend. Although I didn't go out in it more than I had to, it still took a lot out of me to stay cool. I did have quite a few sweats going on. My knees and hips hurt, I'm going for a walk now. Still getting used to this new normal, sucking it up and shutting up now! I have acceptance issues!
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I think I'm stuck with my Medicare Advantage plan. I like that it's just the Part B cost for a premium, and it includes the drug plan. I'm limited on choice, but I live in a city, so even the restricted choices are pretty decent. I looked into the supplemental plans recently, and I thought I saw something about needing to be five years cancer-free to be eligible. So, no.
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I'm not going crazy w/my spending, but I'm trying to enjoy going on mini-trips (can't fly b'cuz of brain mets and possibility of brain bleeds).
I figure you can't take it w/you.
L
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Hubby and I take mini-trips to clear our heads. Last year, we did a lot of day trips between surgeries, tests, appointments, and radiation, plus a few half-week trips, one shortly before my nephrectomy, and one when I was healing but before starting rads. I'm so glad we did those because instead of looking back over last year just being one medical thing after another, I remember the trips instead. Most of the time.☺
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I had to sell my house so I paid off all my debt once it sold.
I have to make the money last the rest of my days so the only thing I allowed myself was a small treadmill in my apartment. I bought it as a way to combat all my depression and grief issues. I was also having panic attacks which was SCARY. I have found I feel mentally strongest when being physical so I want to take advantage of that as long as my body will allow. I live on my own and must rely on myself to monitor my mental state. I justified the purchase that way for myself.
I am frugal when it comes to eating out, groceries etc. I have not got much interest in clothes or wigs. I am more interested in investing now that I am able so I have become a saver instead of an emotional spender. The financial investments and finding ways to save money added with the treadmill walking have finally cut down on the number of panic attacks and crying bouts. It makes life worth living again. If I had to live in the depressive state all the time, I would have halted treatment for quality of life issues. I am unmarried and have no children who depend on me. I knew I did not want drugs and had to reach out to my professional supports as well but the exercise has helped the most.
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Mara- You sound like me. I too live alone, unmarried, no children. I bought a cheap treadmill last year- no video of trails, just turn it on and walk. I don't use it as much as I should. But I try to walk once or twice a week. I too am frugal. Eat out sparingly with a friend. Hate to go to restaurant alone. So I eat at home watching TV. And I too think my money needs to last for what future I have. I am off work now- medical leave- and planning on applying for SSD. Depression is there also, but I am managing.
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I am managing. Finding walking in short 5 minute bursts more beneficial. Have got up to 3.2 mph which for me is FAST. I view those short fast walks more beneficial for adding energy to my fuel tanks.
This morning I woke up after 4 hours sleep feeling quite groggy and weepy. A late night usually means a bad day for me. I tried a slow 20 min walk but that did not cut it. Had a quick bowl of cereal and started the 3 to 5 minute high speed bursts. It's like putting gas in my tank. Feel much better. No point doing long slower walks. Will stick to short throughout the day to modulate both energy and my mood. No drugs for me as I don't want side effects and I know my main problem is grief. Drugs don't take it away, I have to keep working through it. Exercise helps, I have a volunteer on Fridays. We just go out like regular friends, do some mall walking, coffee and grocery shopping but even this once a week has helped.
I don't knock the sitting and watching tv. I've been watching the old Wonder Woman show from the 70's. It was cheesy but a lot of fun to me.
I also found a laughter yoga group via skype in my area. Does not cost anything. Going to try it out tonight and see if doing it sort of in person is different than youtube. The fake laughing helps release endorphins as the body cannot tell the difference between fake or real laughing. That has helped me too. I need to look after myself instead of waiting for people to do it for me.
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Forgot to add, mine is a tiny one as my apartment is maybe 500 sqft. No trails, I do have to hang on as my balance is not good since my brain mets but I can live with that. If I want to walk a virtual place I use youtube. I usually go between walking in California, nature trails or New York. I can't honestly travel to these places as with my dx, I would be unable to get insurance to cover me and with my luck, something would happen in another country. Virtually is the closest I will get but I am OK with that. My treadmill also does not incline so I did invest in a step bench to do some stairs. There are stairs in my building but they are really wonky. Would not be safe for someone like me. I try to adapt to more things. I just find it hard because I have spent almost 50 yrs acting the same way, other people usually helped me out. Working was always my social outlet and I was good at my last couple of jobs but when the cancer went into my brain, that was no longer an option. I am also very short on frustration and explode quite easily. Sometimes that is shouting, sometimes that is crying. I am getting better at taking care of it but can't imagine being around customers at this stage, even if my health status stayed stable for a longer period of time. I would be verbally abusive and get fired immediately.
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Mara- I usually walk on my treadmill for 30 minutes at a time, but a slow walk 1 MPH. So in 30 minutes 1/2 mile. If I am feeling frisky I may bump up to 2 MPH for some time, but I get winded easily. I want time/length vs speed. I don't want drugs for the depression/grief either. No more side effects of meds and like you said the drugs aren't going to change the situation.
Little House On The Prairie or The Waltons for me. LOL.
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Candy678, we both have found what works for us. I have not bothered trying to watch tv at a slower speed but may try it sometime. I just listen to music when I go fast and short. I also do it for at least 90 mins in total. I think I will try a combo of both. I love to watch movies or my soap myself.
Glad to hear you enjoy those shows. I never watched the Waltons but Little House on the Prairie was big for me. As a kid, my mother had to force my brothers to let me watch it. I also read all of the books as well.
Nowadays, I watch my soap, netflix movies, wonder woman and old 80's cartoons as well for the most part. I enjoy the cartoons from time to time. Silly but fun.
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Today I received my pathology. 4 of 8 removed nodes were still cancerous after chemotherapy. I wonder why I made chemo. That is my complaint today
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