STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shetlandpony: I can imagine how difficult it is to wait for those results. I hope everything goes as well as possible. Hugs

Artista964

Shetland, in my ts and ps. ❤🙏🏻

edwards750

Shetland - keeping you in my prayers. Keep us posted.

hapa - I would be ticked too. No offense but he sounds very immature. Since you guys have separate accounts then paying for something should be the same. Shouldn’t have it both ways.

That’s great you are financially responsible. One of you needs to be. If it were me he either shared what he has on his end or I cut him off. Why is he avoiding telling you what his balance is. Maybe he’s embarrassed?

My husband is very smart but lacks street sense. I do all the financial stuff for the most part. I have tried unsuccessfully multiple times to educate him on our accounts. He shows little or no interest. I worry if I go first he’ll be lost financially for sure. He’s still working but I took early retirement from FedEx. We aren’t as financially secure as you are because of child support and serious medical issues over the years but we are in good shape now thankfully. My husband doesn’t want to retire anytime soon and he’s a lot older than your husband is. He loves his job. He’s a civil engineer.

Time to put your foot down.

Diane

Lita57

I was the contract mgr for a construction co b4 I got st 4 cancer.

Between material costs, labor rates, insurance, etc., getting anything done at your house ain't cheap.

We paid 10,500 just to get the FRONT of the house repainted. We're getting a really cool front door (can't put the tacky old one back....it's 50 years old). The new solid fir door with little windows is 3,500 (believe me...it's gorgeous and totally worth it). I will be gone soon, and I want my house to look nice. I can't take my $ w/me, so I might as well spend it on something I can enjoy for however many months I have left.

They have to make the door to order, and I will send pics after it is installed ).

L

mistyeyes

Shetlandpony - thinking of you.

I don't even think about the "we" thing. I don't think anyone has ever addressed me with that. It was more me saying 'what are we going to do about... " .

Gee Happa - I think I want your husbands life! I don't think he knows how good he has it. My husband and I always had a shared account, but we got married young, he did the bills and I would ask once in awhile about how the money stuff is. I should have listened to him better and found out more because when he passed away suddenly, I was a little lost for a few months. Everything was pretty much together that it wasn't too bad to take over, but I did cuss at my self a bit for living in la la land and not even knowing what my house insurance company was. Live and learn...wish I didn't choose to learn the hard way so often.

hoping you all have a stress free week-end

AliceBastable

My husband and I don't have complicated finances, but he handles most of them. I started as the financial person, but he likes playing with numbers more than I do. I prefer words, so I write any necessary nasty letters. When I got diagnosed last year and we started getting all the screwy insurance and hospital paperwork last year (with the effed up charge amounts that never match), I handed it all to him and said, "I'll do the tests and surgery and physical stuff, and you can do THIS." It was nice for me to not worry about any of that, and it gave Hubby something practical to do, which he appreciated.

JCSLibrarian

My husband and I have always had a joint checking account. This is not to say we have never argued about finances. He is a collector and I am a saver. He now has a small separate account and so do I. Any large expense has to be discussed until we reach consensus. We have put in a pool, renovated houses to sell and purchased cars. All after we agree to do it. Takes numerous discussions before we reach consensus! I pay the bills so there are no questions about credit card charges. i do worry about what DH would do if I were not around. He has no idea how to do online banking. Money can cause enormous arguments

Fairydragonfly

I need a place to vent/cry/be angry. I am writing this post to get out my frustrations and likely won't come back to check for responses.

----------------

I lost my mom last year (January 2018), unexpectedly, to pancreatic cancer. It was a blow as my father was the one who had lung cancer and mom was his caregiver. I didn't have a chance to grieve as my role switched to caregiver. I temporarily moved in to my childhood home to help my dad. I stayed there for four months. Taking him to chemo and doctor appointments, cleaning out the house, helping him find a new place (assisted living), etc. My life was put on hold with no regrets. I returned home (I live in a different province) for one month before dad let me know he wasn't comfortable being in the house alone. He had a gallbladder attack and was hospitalized for a month. I returned to help him, expecting to stay and help get him moved into assisted living and our family home ready for a new family. On July 1 my dad had a stroke. They didn't know what it was until his third week in the hospital. It was a rare type of stroke that only affects balance. Think vertigo 24/7/365. Dad stayed in the hospital for a month, was released for one week, then requested to be readmitted. He passed away in August 2018. In October 2018 I returned home and gradually returned to work in December.

In January 2019, I had to say goodbye to my furbaby of 20 years. I was heartbroken but grateful that she had survived through my hellish 2018. 2019 was supposed to be the year that things turned around. Then I have an abnormal mammogram in March. Biopsy and diagnosis of breast cancer in April.

I'm the fucking matriarch of my family at 43. I have one younger sister who has a ten year old son. That's my whole family. No first cousins. No aunts or grandparents. My sister lives in the same province as my parents did (I moved away ten years ago for work).

I get my head wrapped around this stupid diagnosis. I'm assured that it is highly treatable/curable and not aggressive. It's likely going to come back estrogen receptor positive because of my long term birth control use. Makes it even easier to treat. Given my age they send me to genetic testing, but she highly doubts anything will come of it.

I rush from diagnosis to lumpectomy with almost no time to breathe. I'm thinking how lucky I am to have caught it so early. Just radiation therapy and I'll be back to work in no time. Great news, stage 1, clean margins and no lymph node involvement. Or so I'm told over the phone. When I go in to meet the surgeon I find out it's highly aggressive and chemo is likely.

WTF?

Oh, and it's weakly staining estrogen with negative progesterone and HER2.

EXCUSE ME?

I request an oncotype test because there has to be a mistake. My oncologist assures me there is time to wait for the results.

Oncotype 50 - 9 year distant recurrence risk of 39% with hormone therapy alone. Chemo should reduce it by at least 15%. I accept that chemo is required. I need to get that risk number down. 25% is still high, but at least it's not 40%.

Boy am I stupid. I forgot about genetic testing. I had first been referred to genetic testing 5 years ago but told my family history didn't make me eligible for genetic testing.

Fast forward to yesterday. Oh, you have a BRCA1 mutation.

... Seriously? I didn't have a strong enough family history to warrant the fucking test 5 years ago when I didn't have fucking breast cancer. When I could have looked into prophylactic options to PREVENT cancer.

Now my personal risk is 67% of another seperate breast cancer, 31% of ovarian cancer and a higher risk of pancreatic cancer. Oh, and my only surviving relative has a 50% of having the same mutation.

My highly treatable/curable, non aggressive, only need a lumpectomy is now a recommended DOUBLE MASTECTOMY, OOPHORECTOMY, AND PANCREATIC SCREENING.

I still really haven't grieved the loss of my parents. I struggle because I can't call my mom to talk about this. Or call my dad to exchange chemo stories. I live alone with two kittens I adopted this past February. If not for my friends and colleagues I would be completely and utterly alone in all this. At times I feel alone regardless.

I keep waiting for the emotional tidal wave to hit, yet all I am is numb numb numb.

How much can one person endure? When will my life take a turn for the better? Why can't I catch a break in all of this?

I swear, if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none.

DogMomRunner

oh Fairydragonfly - I don’t know what to say except I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this.

bennybear

fairy dragon fly, yikes, I am so sorry! You haven’t had a chance to even get your head around all the loss, before you were hit again. Please talk to someone, a counsellor perhaps at your cancer centre. Youve so much to deal with, sending good thoughts!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fairydragonfly: I'm sorry, those are too many things to process in such a short time. My diagnosis also occurred at the worst possible time. My partner left me a month before my dx, I do not have a job, and I can't have it because my mother has vascular dementia and I have to take care of her since my father is an alcoholic. I try not to let my father see me when I feel sick, because he cares and drinks even more. And besides all that, I do not even know if my treatment will work because I have a suspicious supraclavicular lymph node. I can not even imagine what it would be like to enter a stage IV with my parents in those conditions. I don't have more family to tell than my son and my brother. Our future is in God hands. I wish you can go through this and get well. HUGS

runor

Fairydragon, I hope you do come back here and read the responses.

Cancer can make you feel alone. Because you are alone. Even with all your friends and colleagues supporting you and feeling terrible for you and maybe bringing you casseroles, you are alone. I remember laying on the operating table before my lumpectomy, the bustle of operating room all around me, people coming and going and there I was, on a table, like a piece of meat, and I felt alone. I thought, oh my god, has it come to this, I am about to have surgery for cancer! I never imagined this could be my life. And as that mask came down onto my face I closed my eyes, surrounded by strangers and resigned myself to the chance that I might never open them again, never see anyone I loved ever again. With all the support in the world you can still feel stone, cold alone.

Numb is probably the best way for you to feel right now. Grieving can wait. And it will. It won't go away. You could be so lucky! You are in survival mode right now and numb is how your body and mind puts the brakes on too much stuff at once. You have to prioritize and right now the priority is getting your feet back under you after this latest insult and when you have a better grip on this new cancer bullshit, THEN you can turn your attention to other matters of life misery. But one thing at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time. And numb is how you get there.

I am sorry for all the crap you've been through. It seems impossible and inhumane what life dishes out sometimes. I hope you find your footing soon.

edj3

Fairydragonfly I too hope you come back. As usual, runor speaks the truth. Numb probably is the best way for you and IMO it's healthy. Tears come later. Let us be your virtual support.

Fairydragonfly

Thank you for all your kind words.

I have sought out counseling. While caring for my dad, I received counseling from his cancer center. I met with someone every few weeks up until I went back to work. In January I had some grief counseling from my work employee assistance program. I have also met with psychosocial oncology since my own diagnosis. Joined a local support group for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients (thank heavens for those ladies) and am receiving cancer coaching to help me move past cancer and resume my life.

I have depression and anxiety, managed with medication. I am well versed in cognitive behavioral therapy and recognize when I am not using the "tools in my toolbox."

It's just been so damn unfair. I appreciate having this venue to let it out. Last night I actually slept and I am pretty sure it is partly due to the fact I wrote that post.

❤️

Sportymom

I don't know where to start except with the blessings of being of 45 mother of two incredible boys, wife to a fantastic man, and dautghter to supportive parents (which I now some others don't have the support system). I got my path results yesterday from my lumpectomy and sentinel node dissection and am now classified as Stage IIIa as my high grade 3 tumour(s) were small (11mm and 2mm) but all four of my sentinel nodes had cancer in them; three macrometasteses (the largest being 10mm) and one micrometastese (<2mm), including one having micropapillary features (which in from the biopsy we thought that the micropapillary features were in the tumour itself but this time the pathologist seemed to think that they were IDC-NOS. The results were ER+/PR+ and HER2- and no extranodal extension was identified. I have a bone scan and CT-scan soon to check whether we caught it in time. I am terrified now of the what ifs. I will be going in for more surgery to go through a complete axillary node dissection.

I am at a complete loss. I cannot even function right now. I am beyond heartbroken and not even sure I have gotten to the angry part yet. I finally got to sleep after only with the aid of lorazopram and am now awake, sobbing, in disbelief, and really don't know how to function. I am so terrified and feel as though I have been absolutely robbed of of my life. This life was supposed to be long and healthy, full of times of both wonder and complexities, full of eductation, and most importantly full of family. I don't want to give up and am always up for a fight (I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD in my teens and have battled that all my life) but I am scared that I have no control.

I feel so guilty as well like I am letting everybody down. I don't know what to do. All I want is to be there for everyone. My kids need me, my husband (although a rock) needs me, my parents need me, and some of fiends need me. Last night my husband was stroking my hair and told me that when he came to the states from former Yugoslavia at 16 on an exchange (right when the war broke out) that it changed his life and forced him to live in the "grey", not black or white (ie. thing are bad or good). He had to learn to live with the unknown, being away from his family, in a new country that was not always friendly, learning and perfecting the language, all at the age of 16. He said it was the hardest thing that he did. He also told me that I need to look at life like that now, not everything bad or good. He told me I was killing myself with the worry about this (he does know its new and he does understand the fear) and I know the stats are not good for the pessimist (although I have always considered myself more of a realist) and I WANT TO CHANGE but this is so challenging and terrifying. I need for some of the ladies here to give me any advice, any hope, and support (and I do get it at home).

Even my surgeon was surprised and saddened yesterday when he gave me the results. He was under the impression that I was at a much earlier stage and thought we caught it early. I was even sad that I disappointed him and put him in the position of having to tell me the results. The nurse was also very good at the Ottawa Breast Screening Clinic. She saw that I was about to be sick, got me water, a cool towel, and stayed with me for as long as I needed. EVERYONE, I WANT to FIGHT but I have so little control. What do I do now and how do I function in everyday life? I am so sad right now and I need help.

edj3

Oh Sportymom, you didn't disappoint anyone, you haven't let any one down. You have a disease, not a character flaw. I am not walking your path but I stand with you and want you to know that all those lovely people you mentioned (your husband, your children, your parents, your friends) stand with you even more.

For today, just breathe, lean on your husband, let him comfort you and let his words seep into your heart.

Sportymom

Fairydragon - I am so sorry to hear about all of your luck and your challenges. I don't know what to say except I am in Barrhaven, as per the previous posts you and I have shared, I am more than happy if you PM me or want to meet. We can co-miserate about this f*^$&*g disease together.

Sending love and hugs.

GiddyupGirl

Sportymom I am so sorry you have to be in this situation. Its not your fault and don't feel too bad for your Doc - be happy instead that you have one that cares so much. I am just in the middle of rads and I remember how scary it was to be diagnosed (my was not caught as early as one would hope). I remember feeling awful about having to tell my kids. But you will be okay and very surprised at how well you will manage to still have a life be a wife and a mother and a person. Cry when you need to research talk to the girls on here. Lean on your hubby. Take care and be kind to yourself, no judgements. Cancer is a big f****ing bitch so remember its all her fault not yours. HUGS

Fairydragonfly

Sportymom - you are not letting anyone down! Cancer is a cruel and heartless bitch that doesn't care whose lives it screws around with. I'm glad you have the support of family and friends around you. I know how easy it is to let the thoughts take over and to go down some pretty wretched and dark rabbit holes. I was referred to psychosocial oncology through the hospital, you may find that helpful. They have social workers, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.

bella2013

Fairydragonfly, there are no adequate words to describe your life since 2018. I believe the numbness is a way for your body to protect you. After six years of caregiving for my Mom & Dad, they passed away within 72 days of each other. I completely get the numbness that you are feeling. It took 9-12 months for me to begin the grieving process. I believe I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that the numbness protected me from the onslaught of grief until I was prepared to really process the loss of my folks. Fortunately the grieving process came gently and slowly.

Five years after their passing I got the shock of my life with BC diagnosis. I had a lumpectomy and then BMX with DIEP Flap Reconstruction. That was a huge surgery and recovery. Like you, I felt numb. I did not have the emotional meltdown until my one year anniversary of losing my breasts. It completely blind sighted me. I would describe that year as having PTSD. PTSD can block emotional feelings. It can give us a false sense of being strong when in fact we are fragile.

I am sorry you are having to travel through this incredibly difficult time. But it’s your turn now. It’s your turn to focus on you and only you. You should not have to be a caregiver for anyone. You need others to care for you. You actually are in the early stages of dealing with your cancer. It’s good that you have therapists, counselors and a support group. It takes awhile to get over this cancer thing. The cancer thing that feels like a dark cloud hanging over us. That feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. That feeling will lessen with time.

I hope you continue to stay in touch with us here at BCO.org. You will find support here that you can not find anywhere else.

Sending you (((hugs))). Lifting you in thought and prayer.

Bella2013

ShetlandPony

Sportymom, this is all so new and shocking. You are doing fine.

I would like to offer a “radical" idea: You do not have to “fight" and you do not have to “be positive". Let go of the pressure and criticism.

While sometimes the idea of fighting has resonated with me, more often it has felt better to see myself as enduring what I must in order to be here with my family. (Thus the tough little pony in the snow that you see in my avatar.) I don't want to always be feeling like I am in a battle. That's too stressful.

The idea that a negative attitude will harm you and a positive one will make you well is a popular one, but a harmful one in my opinion. It induces unnecessary stress and guilt. The biology of the cancer and our response to treatment do not depend on our mental gymnastics. Cultivating gratitude and mindfulness help with our quality of life and perhaps our physical health as well, but pressuring ourselves to follow some accepted positive cancer patient script does not. Can a person mind-over-matter her way out of having OCD? No. Same for cancer. I believe that being REAL is healthier than forcing oneself to appear positive.

When cancer shows its ugly face at our door, there is a time of grieving our old life, of grieving the loss of what we expected. I promise you, you can get through this time and once again find joy. A good therapist who understands cancer or at least chronic health issues can be really helpful.

Admitting that you do not have total control is actually pretty healthy, too, in my opinion. It saves psychic energy. I mean, until I could do that, emotionally it was like I was kicking and kicking a solid brick wall. The wall did not budge, but I got pretty tired and frustrated, and my foot hurt.

Allow yourself these appropriate emotions. Take it one day or one hour at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Do little things that keep you in the moment where there is a break from the worry (pet the cat, smell the flowers, have some tea). And tell yourself, “I am ok right now."

Accept offers of help with meals, transporting kids, etc. Allow people to help you and your family. It is a gift to them.

edj3

ShetlandPony, what wise words. And I love what you wrote about your avatar: the tough little pony in the snow. My hat is off to you.

runor

Sportymom, the posts above are rock solid good advice and hard won wisdom. There is not much I can add. But I do second Shetland's view that a battle might be the wrong analogy. I view it more like a journey. Of course, where you are right now gaining a perspective is almost impossible. You are in the thick of the tornado and everything is whirling around you and yes, you are a numb, weepig, non-functioning mess. Been there, done that. I quit functioning in every way until one day I looked at my unshaven legs and realized I was the missing link, who knew that I could get that hairy just moping around the house in a housecoat and a slack expression on my face. And you will, with shaky hands, pick up the razor and tame those unruly armpits or legs and in that one moment you will see that ONE SMALL FORWARD STEP at a time, is how you will get through.

It will not be fun. It will not be easy. You will be scared. You will get hurt. You are in for some serious bullshit. But you will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and deal with things as they arrive. You will focus on the long game. What do you have to do to get through THIS thing, that is right here, right now? Do that. Worry about the rest when the rest shows up. Your job is to be Serena Williams with a big ass tennis racket and as those balls come flying at you, hit them, hit them, hit them. Not a battle. It's dogged endurance. And women excel and exceed at that. That's why we're the tough ones.

I am sorry that you find yourself here and we all understand the shocking devastation to life this diagnosis brings. Expect that how you're feeling is right on track and perfectly normal. This is a rough and rugged journey. Make sure your hiking boots are in good order, that you have a sturdy walking stick, yes you are going to fall down and bang yourself and get scratched by brambles along the path - but you will not stop. You will just keep walking. The only way through is through. Hugs to you.

jaycee49

Great posts, Shetland and runor. I would substitute "persist" for "endure" in Shetland's and "persistence" for "endurance" in runor's. Also, nice sports analogy, runor, with Serena Williams. I'm might go for Lance Armstrong so you could cheat.

Fairydragonfly

Bella2013 - PTSD sounds about right. I am active on other threads (like the July chemo one), I just wanted/needed to rant last night and didn't want to keep building on that 'oh pity me' thing. I appreciate that everyone has their own struggles. I was just in a pretty low place last night. The kind of night I would have called my mom.

Shetland pony and runor - I do agree with your take. We should be able to own our feelings. We don't have to put on a brave face and spew false positivity. It's okay to be vulnerable and get angry or frustrated. I try to say 'journey' as opposed to 'fight' and I like the idea of persistence.

Jayce49 - I'm with you on the Lance Armstrong view. 😜

AliceBastable

I don't use "journey" or "fight" or any active word. "Endurance," maybe, if I have to throw a word at it. Or "slog." I had it relatively easy as far as breast cancer goes, but I, too, lost my mother last year before my diagnoses, I had to have all my upper teeth pulled and get a denture, and just as I was adapting to that, breast cancer. Then kidney cancer and a nephrectomy, and an aortic aneurysm found at the same time as the kidney cancer. Quantity over quality? Last year is kind of a blur at times, and that might be a good thing. But as my freak of a sister said, "At least you don't have to deal with lawyers." 🙄 I've never reacted very emotionally to any of it yet, except for crying the night Mom died, which Freak Sister let me know by TEXT. So I don't know if my lack of emotion about everything else was a coping mechanism or if I was just too cumulatively tired to give a shit after awhile.

Fairydragonfly, my condolences and a hug. And a shared bottle of your favorite beverage.

Artista964

I like journey because I won't know if it came back until I'm dead. Fight... doesn't sound right. Makes it sound like you can control and you can't. Just make decisions and hope....

Sportymom

edj3, Fairydragon, GiddyupGirl, ShetlandPony, runor, jaycee49, and AliceBastable: You are truly a lifeline for me at this moment. All of you took time to help me by providing your wisdom. You don't know how much it helps me. I cried several times on and off today but there were moments that were lovely too. my mind still goes down the dark rabbit hole but then I try to help myself by either crying or changing focus. My biggest worry is the upcoming scans. I am terrified as I am unsure how I will take it if things are worse. I still hope very much for the best.

Thanks to all of you and hugs and prayers to you all. I will attempt to sleep now......or at least give it a shot.

Sportymom

Sorry Rosabella - I forgot you and your wisdom as well.

I don't want to forget anyone as you all help so much.

Lita57

I don't consider this a negative attitude, but every njght b4 i go to sleep, I pray that God will just take me now in my sleep, and then i sleep like a baby.

Yep, I'm ready to go any time.

Sick of all this now, but I'm not negative, just accepting the inevitable.