STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

leftduetostupidmods

Mistyeyes, so sorry about your husband. I can only imagine how alone you feel.

Cpeachymom, if it's any help, I've been having two spots on my bones that they have been monitoring for about 7 years now. Under 1 cm and unchanged. Had several spot in my lung coming and going on a regular basis. Same thing, too small to biopsy, imaging every 6 months now, sometimes they're still there unchanged, sometimes they're gone and new ones have sprouted.

On the other hand, about 6 years ago, I complained about cough and shortness of brath and nagged my drs until I got full imaging and pulmonary function test done. They found out that I had pulmonary apical fibrosis from.... Cytoxan. Actually the dr in the pulmonary test lab said she sees that all the time after chemo with Taxotere/Cytoxan. Funny part is that it's also used to treat certain forms of... pulmonary fibrosis. Mind boggling.

Honestly, I personally am so tired of this that I got to the point of almost not caring anymore.

Cpeachymom

Thanks seachain, That does give me hope. I also hope mine disappear. I know I have scarring from rads, that’s unchanged.

I’d like to not care, to not worry, but I’ve got a two year old. I have to care!

Snickersmom

mistyeyes - I'm so sorry you just lost your husband. I am in The Villages - only about 25 minutes from Homosassa. Want to get together? Send me a PM.

Hugs,

An

Snickersmom

mistyeyes - I'm so sorry you just lost your husband. Sounds like you are having a rough time with medical issues, too. I am in The Villages - only about 25 minutes from Homosassa. Want to get together? Send me a PM.

Hugs,

An

candy-678

Runor-   You say what I feel !!!  And so eloquently. Yes- the glass dome.  I too wonder if each ache and pain is the cancer.  I too feel "Am I crying wolf".  I too feel that my family and friends, ( and even my MO office ), thinks I am paranoid.  I too feel alone. 

Micmel

Husband. Loss. Omg I’m so deeply deeply sorry my god almighty. Enough of this hell we are forced to live in here. Give us a fu**ing break here PLEASE!!!!

I have no words and my heart is guttted for you. I wish you strength, peace, and just being able to get through each and everyday. I am so truly sorry.

edwards750

All of these posts are the reason I come here to check in and compare notes. You guys caregivers and patients are amazing. I’m resigned to be on this emotional and physical roller coaster forever. That’s what a BC DX brings or the C word for that matter.

I didn’t have a cough but I did have shoulder pain a few years ago that I thought was due to constantly picking up my twin grandsons. I had it checked out and the PA had chest X-rays done. I have allergies and she thought it might be pneumonia. That test was negative. The tech was a moron. She kept asking me if I had an underwire bra on and had to do the xrays several times. I didn’t have one on.

Anyway the Xray showed lots of lung nodules. I did have radiation in 2011- 33 treatments. The PA freaked out and said I needed to go to the Cancer Clinic where I was treated like ASAP. She said it could be scarring or an infection. I said I would wait for the radiologist’s report. She said he would agree with her. He didn’t. The report came back the next day the Xray was normal. No evidence of serious lung issues. I was afraid to be sure. I don’t think that fear factor will ever change.

I really don’t care whether people think I’m paranoid or not. Walk a mile in my shoes or for that matter - ours.

I am so sorry for all the personal losses. It’s so painful to see loved ones suffer much less pass away. Unfortunately have had that experience a few times too.

You never know when you are going to lose someone close to you so I totally agree mend fences before it’s too late after all you are family. We have a brother who has disowned the rest of us and all of our efforts to reach out to him have been rejected. He pretty much shut the door in our faces. It’s really sad. My parents are no longer living. They would be so devastated by this,

Keep the faith ladies you are all some kind of strong women.

Diane

jaycee49

mistyeyes, so sad about your DH. I hope the d&c goes ok. Should be over by now?

Now my rant. I woke up at 3:30 AM. I couldn't go back to sleep thinking about next treatment, etc. It happens. I usually survive ok. I fell back to sleep around 6 which is common and had the most horrendous dream. I was in some really crowded medical facility (where else?) and they kept moving me from one room to another, each equally full of people. I never got seen or treated and they made me leave after about room number five. The only transportation in the parking lot was a huge dilapidated BUS. They made me drive it away. It kept breaking down. Then DH started making noise (6:30 or so. I mean, he has things to do like WALKING THE DOG) and woke me up. I jumped out of bed to get away from the dream. I started my beginning the day activities, get dressed and put on compression sleeve. While putting it on, I stabbed myself in the arm (I usually only punch myself in the face) and it bleeds all over the sleeve and my arm. So now I have to wash the sleeve and quickly so the blood doesn't stain. That done, I decide to skip the sleeve (first time in three years) and now am trying to recover. BTW, when I stabbed myself, with a fingernail I guess, I was wearing a RUBBER GLOVE. I always wear one so as not to STAB myself or the sleeve. This day can only get better, right?

Sorry to everyone suffering more traumatic events. I usually don't remember dreams. I better not analyse this one.

bcincolorado

mistyeyes I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. Sometimes life is not fair.

mara51506

Jaycee, definitely sounds like a strange dream. Can throw you off for sure. I love it when I wake up hollering at various people and of course cannot remember what it's about. It usually involves someone I am annoyed with. It's weird. I used to scare my mother with all the shouting.

GraceB1

I've had a few bad weeks waiting for the results to come back but this winter has taken the cake. First it was a mammogram with changes. OK. Did the ultrasound on a Thursday. The Dr's office called at 4:35 of Friday to give me results. Of course I missed the call by 2 seconds and it went to voice mail. Couldn't call back because they had already switched the phone over to weekend mode. Spent all weekend wondering how bad it was. Turned out it was just a new cyst. Fast forward a month and all of a sudden I'm really short of breath. I thought (hoped) it was just a bad asthma attack. Still really bad the next day. Now I'm thinking lung mets. I spent 8 hours in the ER having every test under the sun done. Needed to get a pic line because they couldn't find a vein to get 4 tubes of blood or get an IV started. I'm bruised from my arm pit to the back of my hand. It turns out I've got a deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism. I'm doing better now but they want me to follow up with a new MO (mine left) to see if my BC caused any of this. The midnight panic attacks start again. I'm getting pretty needle phobic and know they'll want more blood drawn and contrasting IV's started. I'm crying just thinking about it. I've got three weeks to wait and think about it. I hate the cycle of planning my life around Dr appointments and waiting for results. I lived through the PE and should be grateful but just really pissed off right now. There is nothing like hauling an oxygen tank around to make you feel like and old, old lady. Thanks for letting me vent.

jaycee49

Grace, couldn't they have left the pic line in for future blood draws and IV's? That would have been smart of them. Good news on the cyst, though. I'm just starting to hate stage III. It's like the forgotten, neglected, and abandoned stage. If you feel that way, I understand and I'm sorry. If you don't, just ignore me. I give this stuff entirely too much thought. Anyway, you are justified in being pissed off about the other stuff.

VLH

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Kingjr, it must be very painful to feel that your sister isn't pursuing every possible avenue to survive as you and your mother have. You logically want to think that lifestyle changes and "catching it early" would have protected your sister or that more aggressive treatment can save her, even now. Those concepts suggest a level of control we simply do not have and rules that cancer often refuses to follow. Echoing what others have said, surgery and chemotherapy may well offer no benefit to someone with Stage IV cancer. If your sister feels her past choices or current lifestyle are being judged and found wanting, it's unlikely that she'll want to involve you in her doctor visits or any frank discussions about her prognosis and your role as caregiver. I hope you'll be able to set those thoughts aside. The suggestion about getting support for yourself is excellent. This is brutal for you, too! Perhaps the American Cancer Society or a similar group can direct you to resources to help you in your caregiver role during this difficult time. I'm sorry that you and your family find yourselves in this tragic situation.

Micmel, your story is a prime example of cancer ignoring any studies or statistics. No one deserves this horrible disease, but when you feel like you've done everything right to ensure a long, healthy life as you did, the Stage IV de novo diagnosis is especially shocking. How unfair that you're dealing with something so scary and watching your father decline at the same time. Do you have any local support from family or friends?

Lyn

mistyeyes

So sad to read of all the hearts here hurting.  So sad to never feel the freedom of just waking up and no worries ahead of you.  

Snickersmom,  I am adjusting with all the new things I have to take care of,  but I would love to meet you when I feel a little more together.

Snickersmom

Mistyeyes - How Did your D&C go? Any time you need me for anything - I am right here, 30 minutes away. Anything you need.

Ann

mistyeyes

Snickersmom,  Thanks so much.  I am ok, it was not as bad as I thought it would be.  I am surrounded by family, my mom and sister stay with me for most of the day.

Jenkins00

I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. My Director came in today coughing/hacking and thinks he has bronchitis. I pulled out my mask as I have chemo on Monday. I told him to stay away and he says I'm not contagious. I said yes you are and you can't be around me. What really got me was every time he would walk by he would fake a cough towards me. Finally I said to him this is not funny as I can't afford to get sick and I would be really upset if this delayed chemo. He played it down like it was no big deal. I told him maybe I should bring you to chemo with me to see how serious this is and of course I get the response I've been there when I went through radiation last year. So far everyone that I work with have been wonderful and understanding. There always has to be one person who thinks this is fun and games and it happens to be my Director. He is a great Director, but this is not right in my book.

bcincolorado

Bot funny at all. Everyone should know that you need to stay home with bad colds anyway. Spreading germs to anyone who is facing immune issues is vain to think you are indpensible it does not matter who else gets sick They need a wake up call.

Micmel

what a Dick

Lita57

YOU MUST REPORT HIS BEHAVIOR TO YOUR HR DEPT IMMEDIATELY!

His behavior, especially the walking by and taunting you with "fake" coughing constitutes harassment, and he should know better.

Write his ass up! That's what I would do.

L

bcincolorado

Good suggestion Lita!!!

Mominator

Jenkins00: my first thought was the same as Lita’s: report him to HR!

He is as bad as the playground bully, except he is in a position of power, which makes him even worse. That is no way for a director to treat one of his subordinates. Unacceptable. He should be written up, fined, and possibly fired!!!!

AliceBastable

Yep. HR that moron.

WC3

Jenkins00:

It sounds like HR needs to have a talk with him. Cancer is a disability covered by the ADA and you have a right to not be harassed or bullied.

candy-678

Jenkins-- I agree with the others.  WRITE HIM UP AS HARASSMENT TO A PERSON WITH A DISABILITY !!!!!  This is no joke as you could become quite sick, not only miss a chemo treatment. I work with some people that have made snide remarks about me washing down the desk, phone, etc in the cold/flu season.  I never reported them, maybe I should have.  But it was a remark in passing not repeated harassment.  Let us know what happens and hold firm to your convictions.  

Snickersmom

I would absolutely follow through with a complaint to HR. Shame on him. As a manager, he should definitely know better. His behavior does border on harrassment, especially the fake coughing when he passes by you. If you let this go, he will know that he can get away with anything simply because he's your boss. Go get him! And keep us posted!

jaycee49

Jenkins, I understand how difficult it is to alienate your boss. This is a person who has a big impact on your work life. You have to go to work every day and see them and interact with them. He controls things about your job. Very important. How about a private conversation where you explain how he made you feel and just how serious your health situation is? He almost sounds like one of those second graders who likes a girl in his class and teases her to let her know. Very immature, of course, but maybe a teaching moment. You said you had a good relationship with him otherwise so maybe worth hanging on to just for your work sanity. I understand if you don't want to go to HR. But if you do, go get'm.

DancingElizabeth

Jenkins - It always amazes me - how - utterly insensitive people are about cancer. I know this sounds *bad* - but - anyone belittling a person who has or had cancer - ought to get it themselves. Because that's the *only* way they could feel our pain. And, it's damn cruel of them to act like juvenile bullies.

DancingElizabeth

I have a VENT today. My sister and I got into a big texting fight. She told me that she's tired of hearing me "whine" about cancer. And, that I should be "grateful" for being alive. Right.

She *knows* how High Risk I am for recurrence. She knows that.

Where the fuck does she have to nerve to tell *me* how to feel? She's never had cancer and has NO clue how it feels - to NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO PLAN AHEAD because this can come back and kill me.

Sure - I am active and totally able to do things. BUT. That's how I am - FOR NOW. I know - this will come back - and kill me. But, then maybe not. It's hard - not knowing how to view your life. It's a nightmare.

NO-one other than - ourselves - can possibly fathom this real nightmare.

Wildplaces

Jenkins - the most likely reason a male in a Director position, so I am assuming 40 plus has had radiation is prostate, skin or colon cancer, money on the first. And IF he has had his pelvis irradiated he may carry around some loss.

If he has bronchitis and truly it is non contagious - what is it?

Really if its not a bacteria, virus or parasite 😳😉, WHY is he coughing and should he look into it rather than bother you with his childish bravado.

I know I am wicked. Lita's response is sensible. Jaycee is wise and kind.

My guess is that he is working through the outfall of his own treatment and you remind him of his cancer and mortality and he is acting like a shit.