Fuzzy's Romp Room

dunesleeper

That's so cool Rider! I went out again this morning and was so impressed with the scenery. I guess it was the snow, which provided contrast to the trees. I don't know, but considering what we have been through and what we may yet have to go through, I am grateful for the moments I can look around and just appreciate the beauty of the moment.

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

LoveEssa -- so what is it that you are passionate about? What would you do all day if money were no issue at all? Something in THERE is a possibility for a vocation. I once read a very good book -- something like "Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow." I figure, at this point in our lives -- we need work that inspires and fulfills us, or we don't need to work at all. Doing what you truly love (your LIFE's work) can provide what you need... if you allow yourself to give it a chance.

And what is the worst that will happen if your hubby just quit right now and went on his retirement?

How much could you save from him NOT 'going to work every day' - re lunch/coffees out instead of in, clothes/equip needed to fo the 'work', gas to get to work, etc? Sometimes those hidden-costs of work miss getting into the equasion... and once figured in, the new/lower income isn't such a drastically low number after all.

And you probably have some options that you haven't used yet, re your meds and medical bills. What might not have been appropriate 2 years ago -- may now be.

I sold my last business in Oct 2010, to have more time to care-take my Dad through his cancer and eventual death in Oct 2011. I have lived (frugally) ever since -- on the sale of that business (and occcasional consulting and catering jobs) -- I am amazed how long I have made that little lump of money last.

One thing I did re the cancer -- I did NOT rush to pay the bills. I let them get a little deliquent -- not really on purpose, but because I just didn't have the energy to deal with them at the time. Normally I am a real go-getter -- the one that organizes everyone else's business. (In fact, that was what the consulting job was about). But when I was dx'd -- I felt the need to concentrate ALL my energies on the positives -- and the bills simply were NOT a happy-place for me!

About a month after my BMX -- when I finally started feeling myself again -- I made myself a script -- and then called every single med professional's office... and negotiated a lower bill! I had 56 individual claims through BCBS -- so I really had to wade through all the EOBs, attaching the bills to the EOBS. Made a chart of who I owed what, and began with the oldest bills first. 

I was completely honest with my story. Told them that I hadn't worked in 2 years -- and now live on a ranch far away from prospective employers. I had "x" in the bank and "2x" in bills. I offered each creditor 1/2 payment (immediately) if they would accept it as payment in full. Only TWO refused the offer -- and them I pay $25 per month until whatever it is has been paid. 

After my dx I also started putting a TON of my old (wonderful/cool) belongings on CraigsList -- and sold the shit out of them! Two birds with one stone -- got cash that I needed -- and also lightened my load for the move out here to the ranch. I found someone to move into my old house in KC -- for exactly what the utilities and house payment are. >Poof< I was at least out from under the responsibility of those expenses... and crammed all the remaining unsold stuff into one bedroom and the basement of the house... which in one month I will head back to KC to begin immediately selling again via Craig's list and eventually have one doozy (or two) of a garage sale with whatever is left.

And -- I showed my income tax returns for last two years to the hospital that covers my continuing PT -- and they are now comping the $30 co-pay. I am unsure yet what will happen with the major part of the bills, now that it is a new year requiring all new deductibles ... but I forge ahead, getting the meds and treatments I need. I still have two surgeries to go... but I know that somehow it will work out.

So -- even though this is not the way we perhaps did things in the past -- programs and services DO EXIST for those of us struggling with all these bills. 

The American Cancer Society is another resource -- I must travel 3.5 hours each way for my PT -- and 7 hours driving in one day on either side of the PT sort of undermines the PT -- so now I spend the night... thanks to free hotel donated to the ACS. All I have to do is call and tell them what night I need. Occasionally they can't find a donated room -- and I have to pay (I use priceline.com for the cheapest rate) but probably 80% of all my over-night stays (for all the surgeries/treatments) have been comped by ACS. Susan G Kommen has a (one-time) $100 gas card to help cancer patients offset some of the gas to get to appts... Plus -- your state and even local hospital probably have some other programs available to cancer patients, too.

Depending on your age/health -- you might qualify for early retirement yourself -- or even disability. I know it sounds tough to think about -- but foodstamps might be another option that could help you bridge that gap so your DH could retire. 

Eventually what you are 'supposed' to do to fulfill your life's purpose -- will come to you -- and when that success comes pouring in -- you can re-evaluate again and re-expand your life. But for now -- maybe letting go of some of the old luxuries that you have come to think of as necessary -- could be released. Like that second car... if DH isn't working -- one car would be enough. Less insurance, less gas used, one less car payment -- plus the lump of cash from the sale.

SO -- I urge you to just make a little list of LITTLE things you could do to earn money (Craig's list, garage sale, etc) and a list of little cut-backs you could make to SAVE money (like start to use that bread machine gathering dust in the corner of the kitchen counter -- to begin to make wonderful/healthy fresh hot bread twice a week instead of spending $4 a loaf on store-bought. Buy a bottle of hazelnut syrup and make your favorite coffee at home instead of buying a $4 cup at Starbucks every day. Drive a bit farther to that "Super Save" grocery store to stock up on basics like fresh veggies and meat -- less selection, but MUCH cheaper prices... and this spring plant your own garden (seeds produce SO much and are SO cheap! Plus being out in the garden (at least for me) is SO relaxing and rewarding.

And -- if you are truly seriously in debt -- maybe it is time to check into bankruptcy. I had to do that in 2005 -- after 5 years of attempting to handle all the joint debt involved in my divorce... and then having been conned in a fradulent purchase of a building I owned (and thought I would be paid for!). At the time it was HORRENDOUS to alter my thinking to make it "OK" to walk away from my debts. But, in retrospect, it was the best thing I could have done, and I wish I had made the clean break sooner. (I actualy refinanced my paid-for house in order to pay my debtors -- prior to doing the bankruptcy -- that is how hard I fought doing it -- dumb dumb dumb!)

Anyway -- just as with almost everything in life -- making most things 'happen' is completely possible -- if you simply change your entrenched thinking. Cancer is a huge transitional period in our lives. It offers the opportunity to re-think what is important -- and drop the things that don't ring true. Re-prioritize what we LOVE, and let the rest slide away.

Dunes - that hike looks GREAT! Think I am going to go do the same RIGHT NOW!

Sas, LoveEssaa, Fuzzy, Chevy, Veggy -- and all -- I encourage you to stop worrying about anything AT ALL -- and go on outside right now and enjoy this beautiful day!

Linda

thefuzzylemon

Linda...wow. you have seen/done sooooo much!!!! What a wonderful and helpful post. XOXO

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

It's because I am ooooold.

And -- because up until a couple of years ago -- I lead a VERY drama-filled life! 

My 58th B-Day was yesterday! We drove up to Colorado Springs to see the Garden of the Gods, then do 'town-stuff' like see a movie ("Argo" -- pretty good) and have a great steak dinner.

We just got back from a wonderful long hike through high-country meadows -- still som patches of snow on the ground -- really beautiful... saw about 20 elk, too -- gotta love it!

Now we are off to a friend's house for the Super Bowl. Rah rah rah rah -- I must admit that I don't even know who is playing -- 49ers I think -- and who else? Guess I'll find out! Just made some tasty meatballs in sweet/hot garlic and red pepper sauce... and will even splurge and have a Margarita or two.

Hope 'yall have a great evening!

Linda

thefuzzylemon

Linda...keep on sharing sweetie!! Im absorbing things from you for sure!! I loooove Colorado. Always thought I'd live There one day.

Ok...where's my GG? Crog? Sassy? Help me...there's many more but my pain killers have me a little blurred right now....oh I hate that when my brain freezes up!!

So, my DH invited lots of people over for the Superbowl. Its so awesome that our favorite team made it. I was really excited...until this one guy and his family arrived...when he looked at me, it was like he was going to be sick...could hardly get "hello" out of his mouth and both of his kids were sick!!! For some reason, it Really pissed me off. I went into my room and I've been in here the whole time. DH does understand, which is really great. But, I'm not going to be treated like crap in my own house and be around sick children with that crazy bad illness that's going around (children have always been drawn to me...I love em...and her nose juice was almost to her lip...) I would NEVER have taken my children to a Superbowl party...especially if my DH was the host!! LOL...there will be beer for sure and sometimes we really cut loose...its all fun, but not for children...I don't know...im crabby I think....

But, on a Happy note...the baby Zoey (the puppy) will come over in the morning!! Whoooohoooo!!

crog234

Fuzzy I am still here. Just been reading the posts... Just haven't felt like posting lately... Why would someone be so inconsiderate to bring their sick kids anywhere???



I do have good news though. I have been waiting what seems like forever for my insurance to approve me for a prosthesis. They finally came through,but not until after I had to write a letter stating wether I wanted them to pay for a wheelchair or a prosthesis... So I wrote a letter stating that I wanted a prosthesis... Duh!!! Anyway I went for my casting last Tuesday. This Tuesday they will have a test socket for me to try. He will get me up and standing using the bars to hold onto. He may even have me try taking a step... Scary!!! Then on the 12th if everything goes ok I will get my prosthetic leg. Then it will have to be arranged for me to get either inpatient or outpatient PT... It will be a long haul but I am determined to walk again. To be able to play and take a walk with my grandchildren.. Oh the things I want to do!!!!



Cindy

Anonymous

Fuzzy - I would be crabby too.  You house, your Superbowl, and worse, your DH has been exposed.  When I think I am getting sick I take colloidal silver and olive leaf extract. Good to remember, tis the season.

Dunes - that hike, I wish I went out more.  It is so pretty here and your hike photo made me want to stop the truck and walk.  We cruise in the country here a lot to watch for wildlife and the scenery here, in forests and meadows.  You look like you are having FUN! too.

Cindy - soon you will be walking and outside for a hike on your terms.  It is a given, you have come far already.

Linda at the Ranch - check, check, check on just about everything.  The one reason he cannot retire is the insurance.  There is no way we could afford to insure me on his retirement (no SS yet, he is just going to be 60) let alone for us to pay for my alternative treatment choices.  Insurance pays for nothing but tests and hospital and surgery, rest has been out of pocket.  But it is true, we need to look at a budget if he is still working vs if he does not need to make that trek.  It is long and costly.  He said tonight, f the bills, we are getting your stuff.  He said if we have to sell the truck and pay it off or give the truck back and get a $50 vehicle we will, let's start looking.  But he is sure he is not leaving the steelmill for my sake.  If it was just him, medical retirement, disability and he would have enough cash from mill retirement to live in a happy hut in the woods somewhere around here.  We love this area so much, so beautiful.  If I die, w my life ins (pay 40 mo for it) he would sit well w that and his retirement and early SS, but that is the only way it works.  If I die from an accident, he gets 3x more.  But my medical costs leave little option for him to retire now.  I didn't NOT work, the opposite, endless hours 7 days a week, loved my work.  Publishing a historical journal for area.  Writing novels.  Advertising design.  Except for several years working for some businesses and newspapers, I was self-employed.  One good business went down after 9-11, life's priorities changed all around we know.  The next one went down when I lost my memory prior to the bc dx.  I have been in business my whole life, did not pay into SS enough, we filed jointly and it was not paid enough from my earnings which were very small compared to costs.  I was going to begin paying again when he retired and I went back to work 40 hrs a week where I had insurance for us from that job at age 55 to earn my credits and such and now I am dealing w cancer, only one car, cannot drive anyway, memory is too scary to go far or at all.  So I need 5 more credits for disability allowed to me, they said 1 1/2 yrs work so I could draw it which would in fact pay for my tx choices, but I do not have 1 1/2 yrs to wait, so stuck.  No way out except faith.  Oh the plans of mice and men.  Hindsight and all that.

What I did decide is that I will be writing.  I keep saying that and falling back on gotta earn the living thing.  Struggling for weeks and no where again.  The harder I try the less it happpens. 

I said this when the dx came at me.  What if I had 3 mo to live, what would I be doing? 

Listening to music, birding, painting, playing the whatever, singing, reading.  Writing.

Well, I have seldom been doing it.  I have been struggling, fuming, fearing, worrying.  Terrified I will lose my memory again, I cannot write with no emotions and no brain cells, I can write with cancer, I hope, for a very long time.  So the brain stuff scares me more than anything.

I have not given up to the passion of what is me, not allowed myself the luxury no matter what the crisis. 

My passion is writing and telling stories.   Having a voice, giving a voice.  I love helping people laugh.  I am an entertainer per say.  So that is the answer.

What often takes another person 5 hours to write, I do in 30 minutes, wheeeeeeeeee and it is done, out of me.

So I am going to focus on my mainline blog.  I have several websites for my businesses (green products) but I am done building those.  I will write my stories and op-pieces now, on the mainline blog that is the explosion of me.  I believe that now all else will follow.  Cancer, history, heroes, humor, pets, skunks and wildlife in general, short stories, whatever, I have a dozen notebooks with lists and stories and title ideas that I thought I would never get to..... there are more novels outlined, one mystery / romance using the town we live by now here in the forest.  I will be happy.  I am happy when I write.  I write and laugh my ass off, not literally though.  I will be useful.  I can do this until I die in 3 months or 33 years, and be happy.  I will be 56 in almost 2 mo so that will take me far - all the way to 89. 

soooooooooo we have to figure out how to do the budget and not need medical insurance for me. 

Hubby has to make up his own mind, of course, but I am glad he and all I talked to, including you dear Linda with all your ideas, I am glad for the help to put my finger on this final choice.

Oh, and I also want to take pictures of trees.  I will have those on my blog too, Tree Mysteries or something. 

FINAL WORD - watched The Looper w Bruce Willis.  Not my thing, some of it upset me, but is Hubby's.  And I do like a little metaphysical and sensory revelations.  Actually a movie about time travel which started in 2044 but was illegal, seriously.  Loved the dimension of this movie.  The ending was superlative.  If you like action drama, a good one.

LOVEEssa

thefuzzylemon

LoveEssa....can you tell me how a person goes about "starting a business"? What makes it a legal business? I started. Coaching business in 2011, paid insurance on it for a few months then dropped it...I will file taxes on it this year...just curious what makes a business legit....

dunesleeper

Hi Cindy! I'm glad things are moving forward with your prosthesis. I'm very excited for you. I'm also very proud of you. You are so strong. You can do this!

Essa, I have the same problem writing, especially since the dx. I feel like I have so much I want to express, but my mind goes blank when I sit and start to write. I hope you are able to reclaim your outlet.

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

Essa - Yeah -- My insurance sounds kind of like yours -- tests/treatments/surgeries only -- with a $5000 deductible (ouch) and I have to contribute 20% co-pay after that until I hit $7000 (total) out-of-pocket. No meds covered. Certainly no alternative stuff (cranial-sachraal, accupuncture, massage) covered. And no supplements -- I am spending quite a bit on (all-natural) vit/min/glucosomine, etc -- along with "Green Food" and "Blue Green Algae" -- which I (in-large-part) credit for my over-all feeling of good-health and (at least so-far) lack of SEs... along with lots of exercise/hiking...

But (re insurance) -- It could really be worse -- huh? I am just SO thankful that even though I have always been self-empoyed -- I kept paying into that health care plan! I never could have chosen the DIEP recon option relying on some lower-cost insurance plan -- and paying myself never could have happened. 

Not sure how the new "Obama-Care" stuff will affect us ... (or when) ... but I get the feeling it will be a good thing... and that it is slowly inching forward. However, my plastic surgeon said that he thinks that VERY soon (Obama-Care or not) that prophylactic surgeries for a second breast (without BRACA genetics) will become a thing of the past... because the statistics don't back the pay-off v cost... even though it is many women's choice to do both and have done with it.

Something else you might check into (re-insurance) is "Cobra"... It costs a little more, but I think you can use it for up to 5 years -- and by then you sound like you could be getting SS/disability/Medicare... (or O-Care will be in place). Cobra is a gov-subsidied insurance plan that (the way I understand it) continues/mirrors your existing insurance if you lose it through changing/losing an old job (or spouses) ... for up to 5 years. 

We are using that to cover my Mom right now -- Dad died Oct 2011 -- and she continued to be covered by his old job's retirement/pension med insurance -- for ONE year after his death. Then -- nothing! With all the changes around his death, we never really paid attention to her med insurance until we got a notice saying it would be cut off in a matter of days! All I can say is Thank God that she opened her mail in a reasonable time (because she sure doesn't always do that!). Anyway, my sis quick got her covered through Cobra... and when the 5 years is up, if Mom is still alive -- we will deal with it then...

Fuzzy -- If you incorporate with the state it certainly makes it 'legit' -- plus covers you (personally) against potential libel/lawsuit -- they can only sue the corporation and (if they win) only get the business and not personal assets...

But any business that you create (or even just attempt to create) that costs you $$ (or makes you $$) is a 'real business' -- as far as being able to claim those expenses on your taxes. Better if it makes a profit (but many businesses never do) -- and of course there are rules about how much you can claim for "office-in-the-home" and related expenses like that... 

Taxes. Not a happy-subject. I will think about THAT another day!

Today I will get TWO hikes in -- Les is coming home at lunch for a walk -- and then I get another one later with my girlfriend and her dog. Beautiful day here!

Linda

Linda

Wren44

I'm having a diagnostic ultrasound tomorrow on the mx side and a screening mammo next week on the good side. Just have to say I'm a little nervous. Feb 22 will be the 1 yr from mx. I'm not quite sure why she ordered the dxus.

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

Wren -- Probably just because it is one year out... I know that my oncologist wants new CT-scans and an ultrasound of remaining lymph nodes at one year... just to make sure nothing new has surfaced.

I am sure you will get good news! You did what needed to be done -- had the MX. For the rest of your life you will just need to keep on top of things... as every one of us will. But even pre-bc ... we all were supposed to have yearly mamograms, right? This is just more of the same. 

Don't worry -- be happy

Linda

ridergirl

Wren my thoughts are with you and hoping nothing bad shows up, I have CT scheduled next fri along with radiation starting next mon, MO wants to check for anything growing in lungs or liver. This would be a whole new level for me so gotta admit scared about that - is she thinking preventative or does she think it's there??? Keep us guessing don't they??

(((hugs)))

Wren44

Here's hoping we both get a clean slate. (((hugs)))

Anonymous

edited to add info

Fuzzy - what Linda said, yes.  You don't really need a name, if you earn money, you get taxed, you can be sued, you can need insurance on your operation.  So registering is best.  In Indiana, I chose a name, registered with state at the county offices for business, don't know what the place is called anymore.... then applied for limited liability COMPANY  which follows business name when you need it as llc, not LLC which represents limited liability corporation - and so I was protected like she describes.  The name is registered with the state and I can use 5 other names under it but need to go online to state office and list them.  I use my SS# for the tax ID since it is a company not corporation, only little me.  I can file jointly with Hubby.  We always managed to get back the extensive taxes he paid in (except SS of course) because of my business activities and expenses.  Now up until 2012, I could always use a percentage of my house pay / heat / eletric / ins / etc for taxes as I had a real office.    But since we gave our home, no no no not home......... the property and house were were buying back to the bank and filed bankruptcy to protect us in 2012 Jan when I was dying from the neighbor's outside wood boiler toxic smoke 365/yr, and we moved to this vacation rental on 80 acres of forest and meadow so we could heal, hmmmmmmmm love it, now I have an 'office' on an antique dining table in middle of house so cannot claim anything of house.  But I do claim expenses of operation, though I never push the line on anything, low key.

Linda - yes agreed, ins could be more open minded and save themselves a lot of money, I think.  And us.  It is too incredible what has gone on.  There are men at Hubby's job that retired, their wives had cancer and other issues, major expenses and they could not carry on the Cobra, not enough money.  We know one husband and wife who divorced so she could get on Medicare Medicaid, I think it was since she was then around my age, she was in wheelchair and on oxygen, cancer.... so they could help her continue tx.  We already know, from a few of their experiences that the cost for us to use the Cobra is 940 a mo for the two of us, if he is insured he can go on the Cobra for 3 or 5 years.......... $560 or +++ for me alone ea mo and only for 18 mo, unless there is something we do not know.  They will drop me asap due to cancer and weight, I would bet.  I don't imagine any insurance will be much better considering these things, and the hypothyroid that got me dx with CHF which I did not have and HBP which I did not have and whatever.  That is what I have been attempting to get in place is that income of even $600 to pay my own ins and then $500 to pay the alternatives.  But it falls short.  Perhaps focusing on my passion and writing is the only answer.  Stop wasting my life struggling?   And thank goodness we do have insurance that is so good in the moment.  $1000 deductible per family member or $2000 a year max.  $15 copay for appts if asked.  10% of txs.  I did the math, money only considered, it is best for me to chose the tx I have so far though.  We would be buried by now financially if we followed the first oncologist's decisions.

Money and energy to share --- I know well the teaching that if we do what we are passionate about then the money energies will follow for us to share with others, purchasing their services and products.  And sometimes I say, but who am I to get that fair shake.  But how judgmental is that of me, others are doing their passions and serving the world so well, and why not!

Tests ---- Wren and RiderGirl and all - we are in the same huge pocket.  Who else this week?  I am scheduled for the second PT full body in one year.  I wasn't going to do another for a decade but I need to know.  Last showed two cancer nodes that were left from surgery 7 mo prior, a darn surprise, not.  Thursday, PT.  Results Monday. 

Hugs for my new onc ---- I love the new oncologist, first appt today.  He has an open mind to who I am and where have been in my tx and what my health and recovery goals remain to be.  He also knows I have an open mind bcz I have never said never to chemo.  Him, I can work with.  He wants me to be well, and did not say anything to denounce my hope on what I have gone through to be well again.  Positive things he said, positive.  He is a lovely man, trained in Turkey and US. I feel like my journey got me to him.  He has this manner that I could have at my bedside or death bed, or in rejoicing this is gone, he is so open and pure.   How many times have we seen the signs on the doors of MDs about how we are the most important one on the team and then we are kicked to the curb or told it will be there way or we die or something as joyful?  Me, too many.  Refused help even.  On his bulletin board in his writing it read, "Believe and you are halfway there."   And he walks his talk, easily.  I am joyful. 

Also, he commented several times that from his explorations he thinks this could be increased lymphedema from the storm pressures - here in NW IN, near the great Lake Michigan and some other large lakes near us, it is 65 degrees one week and 2 degrees the next, snow, ice, wind, rain, thunder and rain, never makes up mind - I realized I am feeling the same as the 2 Derecho storms and 2 tornados I encountered in 2012 that caused such pressure in arm, only now in side and arm too, extended, he felt a lot of seroma pockets and showed me and the terrible swelling on right side and breast, sending me to the LE specialist soon.  I have been afraid it was cancer, of course.  Afraid for ribs.  My NP was next appt of day, she thinks the same, does not feel any masses, only squishy which was not there before, she knows my body well.  My breast have been around the block today.

POOR DOG --- Off to feed poor dog.  He didn't eat all day bcz we were on the road and he only poops on his own land.  Will stir in some peanut butter and raw milk on one side of nuggets, a raw organic egg on other side to make up for it.  Place a salmon treat on top and a few apple slices.  Poor dog.  Then Lacey, poor skunk that was left alone to sleep the day away.

Pouting bcz he does not want to go in lake.

Bachelor --- The Bachelor is on two hrs tonight and two hrs tomorrow night!  The one with the F A K E aura who can manipulate him is the star and gets in some trouble on the beach, I don't know what is chasing her but hahahaha.  Sorry, I can be a mean beech, but it is funny.

Dunes --- Dunes, I will start writing again tomorrow.  I say this alot but this time I mean it, even before I do the rest of my tax numbers, almost done!!!  I practiced telling stories on bco, esp RR, and that is how I knew I could pull concepts together through words, finally.  Almost three years without, one year nothing.  A novel again might be a stretch but there are short stories and info to impart, so I will.

Later to all.  Hugs, blessing and peace.

LOVEEssa

dunesleeper

Love the pictures Essa! I hope you are able to write tomorrow. I ought to work on some art. I guess I got discouraged with that. No one seemed interested, and I see such great stuff from other people that I feel I have nothing to offer. However, I do enjoy doing it. Since I enjoy doing it, I ought to work at it. If nobody else likes it, that's fine. I certainly won't be selling anything if I don't keep creating. It's too bad I can't take my good cameras with me on my hikes. If I took them I would not be hiking: I'd be photographing. I will have to get out for some photo shoots. I'll just have to make these things a priority.

Good luck on your tests Wren and Rider. I don't understand why we have to keep worrying about recurrences and mets. I think that is the most sucky thing about the cancer diagnosis. We will forever be looking for it to return. I want to turn away from it and move on with life, and I can do that fairly well now . . . until another test is scheduled and the fear returns. It is sucky sucky suck suck!

Anonymous

Hey Dunes - Have you heard of Etsy.com for marketing art?  I have never used it but visit often to look at things, well off and on I do.  Pricing is better than ebay by far, listed for several months for a lot less.

If you get the pics and want to share some on the tree selection that I will start sooner or later, let me know. 

Sheryl, about that scarf, you can pm me for my email address and then send me a picture that way.  I have not done the post yet but visited that site and the caringbridge.org site too.

Okay ladies, about The Bachelor.  After seeing the beginning scenes before the show started, I looked the meanie.  Looks really scary for her / them in whatever happened.  They did not show the scenes that they did last week.  But if anyone watches this entire show on Monday, they will see what I mean.  And at the end, there are more scenes and what she is up to, faking again.  I want to flick that guy in the arm w a huge rubberband to wake him up.  Bachelor and Bachelorette are my only reality shows, love to watch people fall in love?  Or the drama of hearts breaking?  Or a character study?  I am perverse but love this show.

LOVEEssa

sas-schatzi

Hello dear friends, Tuesday 1100 am. Strange few days with drama BF(good name). He's been back since Sunday. We talked before readmittance. Said he just needed a few wild days. Wouldn't say where or what. I read everyone's thoughts and your all right. From out he should go, too I knew he was wild from the get go. I did let him back in, he's back to nice guy --dr.jekyl. So, many details left out. Not at all sure why I'm putting up with this garbage. In a previous time, I never would never put up withit, nor would have cared to figure it out. Something is holding me back from giving him the boot. I keep trying by self suggestion --self hypnosis, to cause it to come to the surface . So far , no luck. If the point of clarification would make it self known, then the action is eazy. Each of your thoughts will be read several times with the hope that my subconscious will have an ah-hah moment. B/c the conscious side isn't helping at all. No LOL on that one.

Their is a side of me that would like to disappear for a few days, but to many responsibilities. Besides my good angel side just says " that's real mature, you'd be just as big a schmuck as him." I did tell him that BCO friends from new Zealand, Australia, East to west coast USA and Canada all think he's a schmuck. Then had to explain schmuck.

Can't thank you all enough for words and input. They did keep me going during his absence. I do have one sense of it is that he's trying to sabotage us , by doing everything wrong to get himself kicked out. I know I have sabotaged myself in the past under different circumstances and over different things, guys & work. May be the part of me that recognizes this is what is holding me back. Perhaps it's a codependent thing that many of you have mentioned here or in PM. 

Oddly,enough a dear nursing friend, who graduated from a  BSN nursing program was in a class where they were studying codependence and took the testing for it. The students that she knew to be highly committed to nursing, scored very high in codependence. Those she knew to be in the program for other reasons, quite less than altruistic, scored very low in codependence. At the time we discussed this, we talked of each of the people we worked with. Found that it followed through. Odd.

duckyb1

I used to watch, but when they brought in all the "drama and crap"....I stopped. It is a little ridiculous, and each episode either has a "bitch on wheels".....or a"psycho" broad. Was getting to be a circus, so I said "enough"



Decided Bones was a better choice. I also think Bachelor should be on at a different time slot. Some scenes are a little much for 8pm.class='post_sig'>Ducky
Dx 2/15/2011, IDC, 1cm, Grade 1, 0/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

Howdy Sas -- This is all about you and your enjoyment of life. Obviously you want this guy, and think he is worth the price... at least for now. So go with that! 

Have you ever heard of NVC (non-viloent-communication) ?

There is a great series of 3 you-tubes about how our expectations of other people can poison our relationships... that respect and love include allowing the people in our lives to make their own choices and their own mistakes -- that we can only find happiness from within. He talks about giving 100% of what you WANT to give in a relationship, and not a drop more -- because if we give too much, then we become resentful or begin to expect that same over-giving in return, and then are disapointed when they don't give us what we think we 'earned' by giving more than we were comfortable with.

NVC: (each is a 45 minute workshop/seminar -- and builds on the one before it. One of the biggest revelations for me was the release of feeling responsible for other people 'getting it' and the idea of giving unconditionally without expecting anything in return as an empowered position. It feels great to release the responsibility of critical judgment of others and take full responsibility for our own happiness!)

https://player.vimeo.com/video/10927832   (part 1)
   (part 2)
http://vimeo.com/10604415   (part 3)

Glad the drama has died down for a while... DBF is providing something that you still want. Maybe it is even the drama. Hmmmm.

Love you!

Linda

sas-schatzi

Linda, thanks so much, Had considered that re: the drama, considering lots of stuff, Again hoping that ah hah moment pops out. Do you suggest I try to get him to view thes with me or do a it my self ????????

Anonymous

Sassy - I really get it about the codependence.  I think in a way we are all codependent, some in ways that are unhealthy for them and theirs and some in a balanced way.  You and DramaBF are working something out together, there is not a relationship that does not manage to work something out.  If it is drama and learning how to avoid drama, cool.  If it is the empathy of one another being imperfect and highly loveable, cool.  Hubby and I have both of those, there are just some things I absolutely never could deal with probably due to my past, drinking, not coming home on time, there's more.  It just is.  As long as you can get through without the endorphins dropping out, and without the pain and heartbreak, better. 

Linda - those tapes look like something I would use.  Thanks.

Ducky I know what you are saying, I dropped out a whole season bcz they were using the frailties of a young woman as entertainment, petitioned the show.  Sometimes it seems like they pay an actor to liven it up.  Reality shows, I do not like, except this one.  Won't even watch Survivor and those kinds, too scary for the ones who could be injured / are injured, to me not entertainment.

I am supposed to be getting my list done and am on bco again.  I use this place to connect and avoid.  It is a codependence for me.  But the afternoon is young. 

LOVEEssa

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

Watch it for yourself.

This is mostly about NOT trying to change other people -- about giving up all expectations of everyone else's behavior -- and just developing your OWN happiness from within -- which can't be brought down by anyone else -- no matter how much you love them.

It is about YOU -- not about him.

About realeasing the entire concept of 'should'. And, instead, living in the moment, deciding from moment to moment what will bring YOU happiness... and how giving up the idea of dictating anything to anyone suddenly leaves you free to think about an awful lot of other (more enlightening) things. And -- how your relationships become more REAL and less stressful, when you simply allow others to be themselves with no judgment on your part. 

At some point, if you can fully embrace these concepts -- your lack of need to control will dynamically change all your relationships... including (most importantly) your relationship to yourself. 

Your relationships will shift. Maybe DBF will react one way -- and maybe another... but once you find this release within your own mind -- it won't matter. You will still love him. Just maybe not choose to live with him anymore... or maybe so. 

Give it a view -- see what you think.

Linda

sas-schatzi

Linda, Well I fail pretty miserably at being a giraffe. Culturally, my full exposure has been to be a jackal. No question, I have been trying to control and change Drama BF behavior by jackal verbiage. To bring him from a place that culturally embarrassed me. To a place or comfort zone where the rest of those around me fit into. For months I didn't let on he was in the picture b/c I was dealing with my feelings(at least that was giraffe like), but for the wrong reasons. He didn't have the equivalent verbal skills or manners. Giraffe b/c I recognized my feeling , but then I tried to change him with jackal language. The decision to go public was the day my first cousin met right after T-day. Her words were "I like him, he's so refreshing, he just says what he thinks.". Well if L liked him there was a good shot things would be okay. 63 first cousins and she's my favorite. Each family member or friend after that essentially said the same. But I kept using Jackal. Each time he's taken a wild day(s) as we have come to call them. The preceding time was pretty heavy jackal time on my part. He periodically has said "don't try to rule me". In subtle jackal and not so subtle jackal I have. His response was to leave the situation. So, Linda thanks, I have allot of work to do on my part.

So, I have some insight into why now. it's going to take serious practice, serious practice. Being Catholic, I have so many shoulds and oughts living in my brain cells.

Hmm is a memory a living thing --sorry diverging, but would be an interesting divergence, as we each daily talk of our memory, being killed, or lost. completely out of sinque here

sas-schatzi

Linda, phone call from drbf. Used only giraffe speak. I could hear him waiting for the jackal. Interesting.

Linda-n3

Just stopping by to read and reply briefly. We are having new floors installed and the house is a mess, internet is down off and on, so will be missing a bit this week. All is going pretty well, all things considered. Sending you all lovingkindness and lots of hugs.

sas-schatzi

Linda n3 good to hear from you, yes we will try to catch up this weekend.

Essa, yes the codependent thing is so present, but can't wait to see/hear what you think of the links that linda -r sited. I've listened to only one so far. You can see my response to Linda-R. If I can learn from the other two as much as I learned from the first AND put them into practice. It should be interesting. If the relationship fails, it won't be from the unknown. If it fails and I've actually put into practice what this fella espouses, then it will have failed for known reasons. So, I have my work cut out. Anyone listening to the links use the device that has the best audio. My new kindle has better audio then this HP. Each video is about an hour so get comfy too.

Fuzzy your right---from the first we talked of drBF I knew he had a wild side. It doesn't come out to often. BUT the attraction was to the wild side. There is a part of me that wants to be wild too. Spent my whole life doing the expected. WELl that does depend on what decade we are talking about. The late middle 60's till 1984 werewild to decreasingly staid. Definitely, MRS. Cunningham type from 1984 on when Ds was born.

Wren44

Just popping in to say my ultrasound went well. They were 45 min late due to "a procedure" taking longer than expected. Spent the 45 being empathetic toward the subject of the procedure. She was in the very same room where I received the radioactive stuff, blue dye, and a wire. All I could think was 'poor thing'.

ridergirl

Glad it went well Wren.

dunesleeper

Yes, very glad it went well Wren. Also, I can relate to what you wrote about feeling for the person undergoing the test. I feel that way whenever I am at the breast center. When we have our monthly support group meetings, sometimes ladies will pop in looking for the mammography center. Whenever I see them I feel a pang of fear for them.

Tonight they are having a Stepping into Survivorship event there. I will be going.