Fuzzy's Romp Room

Anonymous

My heart broke this morning. My oldest son who has Asperger's syndrome asked me if I wanted to hear his dream. I said yes. He said that he dreamt that my cancer got wore and he was begging me not to die. He gave me a big hug. I had a very hard time holding back my tears. He's been reaching to hug me all morning. This is not his usual



Sending everyone hugs. We all need them.

ridergirl

Dogeyed so glad you have come back to us   Although I get that they can become a nuisance your possums sound just adorable, if of course they would stop beating up on your dog.

Thinking about the aphasia you must come out with some good ones!  kind of reminds me of my own issue right now, which is that I have neuropathy in my left hand so its numb and slow, and often when I type in here the words come out all wrong cause the right hand types faster than the left so the letters don't end up in the right order. Very frustrating but sometimes funny too what I actually end up saying.

(((hugs)))

dunesleeper

Oh Veggy, that is heartbreaking! He is obviously very worried. The stupid "C" word scares people. It often scares other people more than us -- probably because we are in a sort of shock about it and just focused on getting better. I'd lke to reach out and hug you too.

Obviously, I am back from my "hike." It was all paved, but it was nice. I chatted the ears off a nice young man. Poor guy. When did I get so talkative? I never used to say anything. It's an effort for me to talk to people, but when I get started, watch out. Anyway, the organizer said it was 3.5 miles. There were two places where I had trouble catching my breath, and I did get sweaty; so it was workout enough for me.

ridergirl

 Decided today is the day I learn how to post photos in here. Also decided it may make me crazy by day's end!

thefuzzylemon

Hello GG darling!! You sound wonderful!! All those beautiful words! So glad you are feeling better!

Dunes...good job on the activities!! Its tough to get moving but once you start, you just Keep going like the energizer bunny! LOL

Veggy....that is the saddest thing ever. What a sweet boy though. I hope you hugged for a long time...until you matched his breathing.

Rider...LOL!! I don't know how close you are to "crazy" but I'd be arriving in SECONDS! LOL

oh yeah, the train thing...we decided we would all just go on holiday by train...so grab whatever train car you like and get comfortable! Meals are usually comfort foods and the booze is top shelf...unless you request otherwise! Pets are welcome and we adjust the temperatures according to hot flashes!! All aboard!!

My DH decided to take me to a concert today with his friends at the historic Pabst Theater in Milwaukee. I love live music...but I'll be missing the 49er game!!! And, today is my 2 year cancerversary. How about that, eh?

The weather here is disgusting and will be for at least 3 days. Like brutal cold. And, im without my baby girls again!! There back to school. Gr. Sniff sniff.

Now, im hoping today goes smoothly! Wish me luck!!

XOXOXOXO

dunesleeper

Happy 2nd cancerversary Fuzzy! How do we measure cancerversaries? I found the lump on 2/7. Is that my cancerversary?

duckyb1

I have another cancerversarycoming on Feb. 15th. That was my call-back day for the repeat mammogram, and the ultrasound, and also the day I met

my wonderful BS, and he said 2 things to me.

1. I am sure this is a malignant tumor, showed me on the ultrasound why he thought so, and then

2. Said...the good news is...you will die of something else....not this cancer....

So for 2 years he has been right. I guess only time will tell the rest. Hugs, and God help us all......

dunesleeper

Yay ducky!!!!

duckyb1

Thanks Dunes.......hugs

SherylB

dunesleeper,

Be careful weaning yourself. Xanax is a benzodiazepine (sp) and changes the seizure threshold. It can be dangerous to withdrawal to quickly. First of all if the doctor wants you off they should have told you how to wean. If you have been taking 2 mg a day for a long time I would try 1.5 mg for at least a week and so on every week. However, what you do should be directed by your doctor. Good luck I was hooked on xanax one time, it sucks.

Have they offered you anything else, like ativan (lorazepam) to substitute and help with withdrawals? Ativan is addictive too but not quite as dangerous.

Sheryl

dunesleeper

The nurse practitioner who started all this did mention another drug, but I was shocked that she had made this decision unilaterally, and I had trouble taking it all in. I did ask her if that drug had any side effects, and when she said constipation, I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. Remember, at the time I was dealing with a hemorrhoid and wasn't even taking medication for pain for fear of causing constipation. LOL. Anyway, I will take it slow. I'm not going back to her (if I can help it). What she did was a betrayal of trust. The only reason I am going off of it now is because I never want to feel so helpless again. If my quality of life depends on them writing a prescription, I need to reclaim power over my own life. I was thinking the next time I cut back I would cut back only a half. The nurse practitioner was cutting me back 1/4.   Thanks!

dogeyed

DUNE, I've had to get off some really fierce medications, about went nuts on a couple.  Xanax is rather strong.  I took it a couple afternoons, and it knocked me out, so I quit them.  The hardest drugs for me to get off, without a doubt, were the SSRIs.  Ye gads.  So, it sounds a little like that.  The thing of it is, they did not do ONE THING for my happiness levels, and yet I could not get off.  I went SUPER slow, and the misery just never let up, month afer month.  I was some kind of relieved to finally get off the one I was on.  So, I'm thinking your Xanax might be like that SSRI I took one time.  I don't know why it is some stick like glue to the body and others don't. 

That feeling of being anxious, once you get dow to 1/2 and then zero, your nerves will be shot for probably about a month.  Then you'll just be "regular" nervous.  Ha!  Withdrawing from all addictive things, alcohol, cigs, and meds,you gotta have an outlet for that nerve thing, so I chewed tons of chewing gum, I had this long set of beads that I kept aroud my neck and a smaller one on my wrist, and I fiddled with those all day, and then there was the deal you're doing now, that every time you get nervous, you get up and do something else, like the walks you're doing, only since those need a few days of rest to get over being tired from them, just do some simle stretching and deep breathing, learn how to juggle, and hell, I even got a coloring book and I colored the entire book. Hahaha.  Just mindless activities to get you thru the rough stuff.  You just have to win one argument when it comes up.  That'll hold you in the beginning for a couple hours, later just once or twice a day, and then it's over.  I also kept a list of why I'm quitting, the good stuff about it, and I grabbed that thing up and read it and re-read it and carried around and fiddled with it and sweated on it, until it just looked like a pitiful piece of trash.  Hope some of this helps. As I said, once you take your last pill, you're looking at a month of wierdness, and then you finally get well.

DUNE, right now I take tranqs all the time, and it seems like no matter what kind of benzo I take, I'M STILL NERVOUS.  I'm better, of course, but it still annoys me at times.  But there's hardly any drug out there that totally gets rid of a problem, altho I gotta say when I was in my car wreck, I got Demerol (like Morphine) every four hours in the arms and butt every day and night for weeks.  If someone told me I was a'gonna die, I'd get me some morphine and go to the Bahamas.

VEGGY, I'm so sorry your boy is so fragile about all this.  But I swear, it is amazing how family reacts to this whole sickness thing.  When I finally finished my rads and it quit burning a couple weeks later, I looked in on my husband to see how he was, and he was just SO sad, pitiful really, and so I told him all the good stuff we would be able to do before long, and things would be the same.  Veggy, while at this point, since this is the second go at it, it sort of suggests things aren't going well, LOTS of women on this website gets it a second time and yet they make it.  All you can do is wake up every day and fight your way on through it, and keep this up until that really nice time when they say you're okay.  I would say your son is picking up on your misery, justifiable misery, but at some point you gotta find a line to draw where you'll keep hoping for the best, eventually the pain and misery will be over, and your normal self will return.  Your son will pick up on these feelings of hope and "here we go again" routine, and of course keep up with him and make sure he's not getting too down about alll this. 

THank you, FUZZola, for s'plaining the train thing.  I have a funny story about this train tour they had one weekend for Ashevillites, so we boarded up at the old depot and off we went.  Well, I took a couple pictures, and one of them was hilarious.  As we walked through all the  cars, from caboose to engine, we noticed there was this one section that was I guess what would be "First Class" and then there was all the el-cheapo seats, which we had.  So, I took a shot of both, and under the nice cars I put, "The good seats," and for us, I put, "Our seats," and boy was it funny, with a little stuffed toy laying in the middle of the aisle.

See ya'll later. Thought I'd catch the President getting sworn in.  I've been loving those bangs Michelle had done.  OHHHHHH, I almost forgot!!!  My remaining boob, it was sort of itching, and I looked in the mirror, and it looked like there was a kind of discolored area of large size!  Scared the shit out of me.  Then I realized it was my dang nipple. 

dunesleeper

"If someone told me I was a'gonna die, I'd get me some morphine and go to the Bahamas."

LMAO Gail. You are too much!

I went through withdraw from xanax years (many years) ago. The hospital I was in took me off them, just stopped them completely. Back then I was taking 7-10 mg a day. They thought it was the non-addictive alternative to valium then. I was nauseous and dizzy for about a week. I don't remember my nerves being so bad then. Also, I was able to sleep without drugs back in those days. One of the other patients told me what was happening to me. The staff at the hospital didn't. When it got real bad they monitored my bp.

I have been off the SSRIs about 2-3 months now. Getting off the SSRI was the hardest thing I ever did. I had tried several times throughout the years, but this is the first time I succeeded. In my experience, SSRI withdraw is the worst. It was harder than getting off cigarettes.

Anyway, I hope your one month figure is on the high side, but I will hang in there. I really don't have much choice. While docs don't hesitate in handing out SSRI prescriptsions, they really balk at handing out benzo scripts.

I may have to get a coloring book or something. I picked at my fingers yesterday until they bled. They still hurt. The worst thing about that was that I picked at one on my right hand. That's the mastectomy -- and LE -- side. I put neosporin on it and covered it with a bandaid and did some MLD. I can't be doing that again.

Thanks for your suggestions. I'm looking forward to being off these things. They have been my life-saver for a long, long time; but I cannot allow doctors that much control over my life. I did request a complaint form about that twit of a nurse practitioner that sent me into this latest tailspin. If I don't hear from them in a couple of days, I will contact them again. I am taking back control over my life. I'm thinking Billy Joel "keep it to yourself it's my life."

"Then I realized it was my dang nipple. " MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

thefuzzylemon

Naughty naughty nipple!!! Scarring you that way!! LOL

I've heard different ways that people set their cancerversary date...I go by the date of my biopsy because it was confirmed within minutes. So, its totally up to you.

Ahhhhh....I gotta bitch just a little. On Wednesday, I go see my PS. I'm feeling Really terrible about this physical appearance, the pain, the limitations...You all know what I mean....but DH wanted to know what was bothering me. So, I said if my Doc doesn't give me good news on Wed, that he can fix the f'ing horrible mess, im screwed. He got irritated with me. WTF!! So...that just sucked. Then I realized, I'm the dumbass who thought he might actually want to know that and be able to comprehend the depth! So, I come to the RR...to drop off that monkey and feel understood....

Ah. Much better....thanks ya all!!

ridergirl

Glad to be of service Fuzzy you do so much for the rest of us!  And I agree with you it sucks.....the whole cancer thing sucks....but I don't think anyone who hasn't been where we are can really really get that

((((hugs))))

Anonymous

Fuzzy - I get it, I expect that Hubby will understand things he cannot fathom and then he says 'stupid' things that piss me off. 

Gail - good to see you again.  Wherever the opossums are hanging out and sleeping, you can put a transistor radio on a talky station and they might move, that is how to get skunks to move to a different den than under the porch or in the crawl space.

Linda - I too am a Maeve Binchy fan, read everything except the last two.  Writing some more books is on my bucket list.  She was excellent. 

Dunes - hiking sticks huh, never heard of those but I think I could use them, I usually pick out some long tree branches from the ground to walk with.  Good news about the walk around Loch Raven. I take the hormone melatonin each night, from my engo rx w natural hormones from NY.  It is supposed to help me really sleepan d I think it does.

Well, Friday when I was going to come back and do iris, there was no reception for Internet due to winds west of  us.  Then our granddaughter was there for two days, so I was family focused.  Tonight I watched the Bachelor, he is such a nice guy.  And now must get sleep because it is a long distance to dentist in morning.  I will do iris and nasturtiums very soon.

Here is is 2 degrees F, wind chill advisory.  Last night was worse. 

Soon then.

LOVEEssa

dogeyed

I can't believe I missed The Bachelor, LOVESSA.  In fact, my whole day was completely ruined by sleeping and sleeping.  YA'LL might remember after my peumonia, I said I desperately needed to rest, I was just so worn slam out.  Just had to get thru pulling my shit together for Xmas, followed by my Mom's birthday, and then Richard said he'd do groceries two stright times in a row, which is the ONLY suffering I have to do, so that gave me almost six weeks to recuperate, total.  I just finished my first week, I think.  Well, I reckon I really DID need to rest!  To make a VERY long and dull story short, I had a normal night's sleep whenever that was, it was near dawn, played back here a little white, got sleepy and went to watch the Inaugural stuff on TV, and by about 10 a.m., that was it, I went right back to sleep.  I slept and slept, and woke up today (last night) at 9 p.m., so that was 12 hours on top of 9 hours.  I'm going to try to stay awake a little longer today so I won't screw up my normal schedule.  I'm just saying, I am completely exhausted. 

But GET THIS. I have been following the very little information we've been getting on Hillary Clinton.  She got the same stomach upset as me, then wound up with pneumonia, and was working too hard (I too had been doing more than I have been doing since I got cancer), and so I almost fainted, got really dizzy, but was leaning over the couch when I fell; but Hillary, she went and hit her head and got a concussion.  We both went to the hospital, I got out rather sooner.  Sooooo, since I shared a similarity, I was quite curious about why no pics of Hillary, altho they took a couple when she came to a farewell lunch at her offices and she looked fairly good, but I'm a'telling you, when I went through a huge stack of pictures online of people at the inauguration, something was wrong with Hillary, I'm telling you.  Her hair looked wonky, she had on glasses, and appeared to be rather unhappy once she got seated with Bill Clinton.  It's POSSIBLE she just looks ridiculous in glasses (I don't), but I think it's possible something more is wrong than they're telling us.  We shall see, one day...

FUZZY, my soft sweet Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, girl you is one tough lady.  But you know what, my owne true sister, that IS part of you, just as much as the love part of you.  So, my thinking about your psych guy is one of two things:  Either he really doesn't quite "fit" with you and you could switch to someone more to your liking with better manners, or he shows his irritation as a way of letting you know you must not go off the deep end too much in some matters.  In other words, "Don't Panic" is what I used to say to my little female dog when food made an appearance.  In fact, I say that to myself a lot.  On the other hand, sometimes docs REALLY WON'T listen unless you tell them off.

FUZZ, somewhere in my three-part dissertation this week of posts, I was talking about my silly-looking non-boob, atho you have a foob, but the scar situation is really the same in many ways.  I was pretty much horrified at what I wound up with.  All I could think was, who the hell closed me up... you know how in those reality ER shows, after an operation, the surgeon pulls his gloves and mask off whilst the teenaged medical students have at it and close it up.  So, a year goes by now for my scar, little bit more than a year, and it really IS looking a lot better, despite it being all wadded up, being given a third boob under my arm about the size of a tea cup, and of course a tad of lymphedema to where I have to massage that side of my body most days.  So, I decided one day I just might ask a plastic surgeon to fix the whole dang thing, perhaps sew together a few lymph vessels so that will work better, and in general smooth it out to where it's supposed to look. 

Eventually, five or ten years from now, your surgeon perhaps with a plastic surgeon will get it right, and do not feel the least bit upset about asking for this.  They EFFED IT UP BIG TIME.  How sloppy can we allow them to be.  In the meantime, find demanding activities to let go of your anger.  You could take up archery, I swear I see you as a Medieval fighter like Joan of Arc.  This picture below, Joan of Arc is on the left side at the top of the rock, raising her sword and on horseback, part of the collection of San Francisco Legion of Honor, from a Wikipedia link.  Some of you is that lady.

 

Other neat stuff is you could try learning fencing (a big deal at the Olympics), or learn sniper shooting (good job with the CIA), or horseback riding is the most freeing experience I've ever had, but takes some lessons for sure.  Hon, they'll straighten out that stupid boob.  Just ask for a revision, and another, and another, until they get the stooopid thing right, and of COURSE ask for some heavy-duty pain killers so you'll feel good ALL the time until you just naturally don't need them anymore... all the times I've had to get off pain killers, aside from return of some pain, it's real natural to let go (but that's me).

One more thing, sweet FUZZY, and I'll quit being waaaaaay too loving to you (I can't help it), I hug you once, twice, three times, and I'm just so dang glad to see your beautiful face, how can you be so pretty?  These girls have seen a few of you, but I've seen more, and you not only look fierce, you are also so lovely to look at.  Ask your hubby (altho they don't know too much) what he thinks of your situation.  At least you can tell him you need to lean on him right now because of all your problems.  These aren't cancer problems.  These are very difficult but relatively harmless problems, so maybe he won't get too sad. Love you dearly, doll, and love to all my sisters, GG

dunesleeper

Oh my yes! They can't get it if they haven't experienced it. I really wonder where breast cancer lies in the range of horribleness. I've been through some bad stuff in my time, but nothing has knocked me like this. I have struggled with depression pretty much my whole life. I never planned to be alive this long. I was supposed to die by 18. I've been assaulted, molested, abandoned, and caught on fire. But this, THIS, is the worst. It seems to have brought all the other garbage back up with it too. Yeah. Nobody can understand.

dunesleeper

Gail, you are just TOO amazing with words. You communicate so well and provide such comfort. You won't believe this, but I try to come up with the comforting things you say, but when I post it just doesn't quite work that way. LOL. I will keep trying though.

Chevyboy

Morning gals... Dogeyed, just gotta tell you, it is soooooooo fun to read what you write!  I don't think you know how the things you say, can make us feel so happy, and not so worried!  You just have a way with words....  and your attitude about life shows that you can take ANYthing... The care and re-assurance you give to Fuzzy is amazing. 

Linda-n3

Fuzzy, I completely get what you are saying about DH asking "how are you?" Most of the time he really does understand or tries to understand. But last night I just nearly had a meltdown because I am SO TIRED of my body feeling so foreign to me. I realized that I cannot even describe all the sensations even to me, so how could I expect him to understand? I was doing "the body scan" that we are taught in mindfulness-based meditation. I realized that as long as I lay still, don't do ANYTHING, and nothing is touching me anywhere, I almost feel normal. But when I am moving, DH is touching me in a loving embrace, I feel abnormal. I realized that I cannot even map out where things bother me - across my chest and arm there are areas that are numb, areas that hurt deep down, areas that are hypersensitive to touch, areas that feel "creepy" to touch, areas that hurt with movement.... and there are skipped areas that actually feel OK. I am picturing a topographical map with the altitudes, peaks/valleys, streams .... and it barely makes sense to me, so how can I even begin to communicate it to DH or any of my onc team? They try so hard to get me through the cancer, but they are completely useless when it comes to getting me through survivorship.



Essa, thanks for the tip on keeping critters out .... we have a little skunk that decided to frequent our backyard after I stupidly left fruit out for the birds - usually we just put seed in the feeders and skunks don't seem to prefer that as much as the squirrels do - in any case, I learned my lesson, don't put anything besides seed out now. But I remain just a little paranoid about the crawl space and garage at our house - we have tried to "critter-proof" them as best we can, but I remain vigilant, and the radio would probably work very well. Thanks!

dunesleeper

Today, I have to make myself move. Yesterday, I had a session with my counselor and then came home and resolved the problem with my test vouchers and managed to schedule my exams for Valentine's Day. That will be 7 days after my first cancerversary. (It just popped into my head. LOL) Anyway, after that I plopped down in front of the TV and just sat. A major anxiety attack took over my body in the late afternoon/early evening. I tried deep breathing, but that only worked while I was doing the deep breathing. I ended up taking a xanax. Oh, the relief when it kicked in! The good news is that one xanax didn't used to be very effective and definitely didn't make me sleepy. Yesterday, it did. Saturday and Sunday weren't too bad for me, and on both those days I exercised. It is cold and very windy here, so I don't know that I want to go outside -- at least not for long. The sun is shining, and that is a good reason to go out there. Hmmm. Maybe I should walk to the post office. (I sold another DVD.)

My trekking sticks are way cool. They arrived yesterday.

They are called PaceMaker "Journey" Trekking Poles.

dunesleeper

I walked to the mall and back today. Brrr. It was cold!

Where is everybody? I hope you are all having a good time and not thinking about bc and that's why you haven't posted.

thefuzzylemon

Oh yes...I am hands down 100% in love with my GG.  You do have magic words...super soothers...you are a poet on a level that is reserved for the very gifted.  You are a present to each of us.  I am so glad you are feeling better.  I will let you know what my PS says tomorrow.  I have a few things to ask him about...there is a plastic stitch that I cannot remove myself and it's driving me nuts (I do have the surgical tweezers and that isn't enough), I have a sensitive area under my right armpit (can't really say it's a lump...just kinda sensitive) and what is the plan to get this Foob fixed.  Then maybe I can start planning out how and when I can go back to work.  Honey, you are so sweet to me.  You have the most amazing cyber hugs...I felt every one of em.

Do you think Hillary is still messed up from the head trauma? 

Linda...ya know, I am very sensitive to DH - he has made it very clear that he has been through sooooo much.  And, he has.  I get that.  But, I guess I have lowered my tolerance for what he thinks he knows, goes through, gets tired of...it's been aggravatiing the hell out of me...no one knows what we go through - no one.  I snapped at him when he told me (just a week or so ago) that I should be happy happy happy that I'm a survivor and a fighter.  I was like WTF are you thinking??  This really isn't something that I can say I'm happy to be fighting...and, I am not convinced that this demon is out of my body...sad but true.  I can't really explain how f*cked up my life became shortly after diagnosis...and it wasn't directly because of "C" - indirectly for sure and he will never be able to understand all of this.  So, usually I just look past the stupid things that come out.  Now, I know I'm complaining but he isn't a terrible human being.  But after he left me in the hands of the nurse that overdosed me in the hospital - drove home and started drinking - I dunno...frustrated I guess.  Maybe I need to get out of this house!  LOL

Rider, Chevy, Dunes....thank you all for being here.  When I get in this room, I feel so free and it because that is the environment that all of us here have created.  It's just great to see you.

Oh...BTW...instead of fencing (which I would love) and sharp shooting (which I would love even more)...I have started working with my Baby Puppy on Freestyle Dog Dancing!!  LOL  We are off to a slow start as I am now puppy sitting but I think he is going to do really good at it!!

It will be a long night tomorrow but I will update ya all with the PS stuff asap!

thefuzzylemon

thefuzzylemon

thefuzzylemon

dunesleeper

Fuzzy, good luck at the PS tomorrow. And enjoy the freestyle dog dancing. Very cute.

I'm bored. I guess that is good. Hopefully I will pass the exams in a couple of weeks and then be able to get a job. I think I am needing a job to keep the days from running together into a blob of nothingness. Also, I really need the money. I was able to sell 2 DVDs recently, so that gives me an extra $20. LOL. It almost pays for my trekking poles.

Oh boy oh boy. I have something exciting coming up. Thursday is colonoscopy prep day and night for me. It's my first. Oh gosh oh golly. I guess y'all know how thrilled I am.

thefuzzylemon

Dunes...I hope everything comes out all right.....hee hee

WAHAHAAAHAHAAAA!!  Oh dear, I guess I'm a little bored too...LOL

dunesleeper

LOL Fuzzy my dear. As I understand it, it will be coming out right ALL night long. I'm going to be a grumpy dune sleeper without my sleep. The doc says "at least you get a half hour sleep out of it." That sounded nice until I realized the whole night of sleep I'd be trading for that little nap. Oh well. I wonder what I will weigh at the end of this! hehehehe