BC has changed me

Merilee

Excellent

Djustme

That is great FLwarrior!  A 'new normal' is a good way to describe it!  I guess that is what I need to work towards, cause the old normal doesn't work for me anymore. I have no fond memories of 2011, so I am so glad to start the new year.  I have been thinking about doing something with children. My church is looking for help in the nursery and Sunday school - so that is always an option. There is also an agency I have been thinking about joining to tutor kids to read. They also have programs where you mentor an 'at risk' youth, but I don't know if I have the time or energy for that yet, since I still have to work. I need something with positive energy - my workplace has had such horrible energy the last couple of years. (and I unfortunately have to stay there). So something to counteract that energy is a must. I'm looking forward to starting my water exercise tomorrow with my mom - so that is a start.

CLC

FLWarrior...YEAH on the new job!  Best of luck!

Djustme...enjoy that water exercise...sounds wonderful!

Happy New Year everyone...May it be healthy, happy, fulfilling and wonderful!

FireKracker

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Im still tryin to figure this all out.Who am I now?

FireKracker

Hi Joyce---yeah the good old days all right...look how far we came.Thank you God.

I too wish you a very happy new year.and a healthy one too.

A dance with NED is what we all want.

Happy New Year all my sistas.Find a damn cure!!!!!!!!!!

kiley56

You are You Grannydukes, forever changed, but life does that to us in one way or another.  You are a strong voice, a compassionate funny lady who sometimes makes me spit coffee all over my computer laughing.   Thank You and Happy New Year to all !      Kiley

FireKracker

Thank you ...to all my sistas I wish everyone of you a dance with NED forever.

AND

as usual...bc suks.find a damn cure....enuf!!!!!!!!! hugggggs everyone K

Momine

Changes, I also had DCIS that only showed up in post-op biopsy. This was in the "good" breast that several doctors told me it was fine to leave alone. I insisted on having it removed, prophylactically I thought.

Djustme

Momine - I'm so glad you convinced the bs to take the 'good' breast. My surgery hapened so fast I didn't have time to ask. Now I have to wait until a new surgeon is hired because our town's only bs moved December 31st.  The only way I can get a referral to another town's bs is if MRI in April shows something has changed in remaining breast.

CLC

I felt like updating here...  It has been a long few months.  The upheaval, reprioritizing, learning new behavior patterns, working through feelings in therapy...and it shows no sign of getting easier.  I feel a bit like a teenager again.  So much drama.  So much upheaval.  Most of it internal.  On the surface it all looks fairly serene.  But inside?  Sigh...

I feel a little like retreating.  You know, just playacting like it is all like it was and stop all of this hard work of rethinking crap.  But, that just ain't in the cards for me.  I just feel like there is no more room in my life for "miserable."  It just will have to be dealt with.  My husband and I are struggling.  I am not sure we will make it through these changes.  My job and I are struggling.  I am not sure we will make it through these changes, either.  I am not prepared to give them up without really really trying...but at some point, there may be nothing left to try.

Again, thank you all for just listening.  I feel like I am just whining.  I mean...what do I have to whine about????  I am healthy and strong...and have many options in front of me.

BelaT

CLC, u can whine as much as you want. We understand.I know no one i know understands but u gals here.

Bela

Hugs 

Elizabeth1889

CLC, I agree with BelaT.  When you feel the whine, whine away.  We are here to listen and we listen with open hearts.

CLC

Thanks, ladies, for lending me your ear!

wenweb

CLC You are not whinning at all.  You are merely stating how you are feeling, and feelings are not wrong.  I am sorry that you are still suffering.  Many of us spend too much time in limbo before we are able to figure things out.  There will come a day when all of this will be behind you... 

CLC

wenweb...thank you.  Your original post on this thread was very reassuring to me...that I wasn't letting things run away from me in some overdramatic way (ie...it was reasonable for me to feel such upheaval).  Once again, you are very reassuring.  I went back and reread your first post here and let the 2-3+ year comment go back through me again.  I should be patient...I am in this for the long haul....:)  Thank you.

wenweb

CLC  FYI... I'm not out of the woods myself, and you are most welcome.

faithhopenluv

CLC - I'm new to this thread, but can relate to your initial post. We have a very tight parking spot at work, but 2 spots down there is 1/2 a space against the wall. I want the building management to re-paint the lines. I know it seems nuts, but its a can of paint and an hour of time. It seems very reasonable to at least ask and then scraping my mirror is one less thing to worry about. My best friend that I work with asks who is this person?? I have never been one to make waves, I never take the last cookie, I take the most uncomfortable seat in the room - but yeah I think a can of paint and an hours of work is worth it. We are changed inside and out by those simple words 'it came back with cancer'

CLC

faithhopenluv..."I never take the last cookie."  Boy does that resonate with me.  But someone's gonna take it, right?  And once in a while, it should be us. 

I hope you get your new lines!

CLC

robo47...my head is spinning with yours.  Today, especially. 

faithhopenluv

Wow! I've read back through some of the posts, and although my path was very different I can relate. I was in a numb marriage, never thought I was unhappy, never really thought much about me at at. My ex was an idiot and I tolerated it. He actually would tell me to go weigh myself it looked like I gained a pound. I tolerated it until we talked about having kids...and then I was done, I needed out and fast wasn't fast enough. That was 12 1/2 years ago. In that time I created my life and have grown to care about myself. I feel so bad when I hear of others going through this alone. I think because i was able to concentrate on me I do have a great group of friends that actually call dibs on going to chemo with me, I have a true sweetheart by my side that sees past my incisions and scars, my hairy armpit that I am too afraid to shave, my port and tells me he will help me shave my head when it is time.



I am still me, I still would rather give than recieve but I'm learning that good people like to give. I don't want any takers in my life. My avatar is a Tennessee Fighting Lamb - it starts w a Dave matthews song that my boyfriend and I consider ours, and then we had a fantasy football team and that was our name. Then all the bc stuff happened and I realized it fits me...when the situation calls I am one frighteningly tough little lamb.



I really wish courage to those of you that are struggling. You are never alone. One you have all of us, more importantly you have yourself and YOU are good company.

CLC

Tonight, I told my husband that I want a divorce.  I do not know how to do it.  I do not know how to limit disruption to our children's lives.  I do not know how to send him out, unemployed (he is Mr. Mom).  I do not know how to get divorced.  But I have finally reached the point where I know I must get divorced.  We are starting with separate beds.  But, somewhere down the line, it will have to be separate homes.

I am afraid for our children.  But I feel only relief for me.  I have wanted to make this decision for a very very long time, but could never bring myself to admit it because I did not want to turn our lives upside down.  But I am tired of carrying the burdens of making everything smoothed over. 

No one should be under the impression that the failure of this marriage is due to bc.  BC is responsible for my unwillingness to live in a failed marriage.

Nothing easy about this bc life-altering business.     

CLC

I got blindsided today with an emotional whopper.  I have been doing really well.  I have been coming up with plans for making work more acceptable to me and I have been working with my dh at our marriage.  I have been commited to my own running and life has had some great new changes.

Then, today, I got washed over with bleakness.  I felt bleak and dark.  Like all is wrong with the world.  I was angry because my school cafeteria did not have fruit available for sale and I was disgusted that my students don't have access to fresh fruit should they decide they want it.

I was driving to the grocery store to buy myself fruit...and there was a family of geese in the road...two adults and a whole lot of goslings.   I slowed to wait for the adults to usher the goslings off the road.  Then, as I drove by, the male honked loudly at me.  I felt so grief stricken.  He was screaming at me to leave his family alone.  He was giving it his absolute all to protect his children and the world was just driving by.  No one caring that the world has become inhospitable to his family. 

As I drove away, I thought about this thread and the old discussion everyone had about PTSD.  I don't feel like cancer and mastectomy were the basis for my depression...but once again, cancer put into perspective what I want and don't want.  What is wrong in this world and what is right.  And I felt deeply saddened.  Sad for the goose.  Sad for my students.  Sad for the world my children have inherited.  Sad for injustice.  Cancer and mx put it all in clear starkness...I am unwilling to settle...and yet there is so much in the world that I must accept.

I will awaken tomorrow ready to take on another day.  But, for today, cancer has knocked me on my butt once again.

My hopes and wishes and thoughts go out to all of the geese, the goslings, the children and each of us struggling to find the good, the hopeful, the meaning and fulness of life...

thefuzzylemon

Oh sweetie....somedays (many days) are still one step at a time...just like when we started this trip.

So glad you posted that. I stared at the stars tonight and got "lost".

CLC

Thanks, thefuzzylemon...  being lost in the stars might just be what I need to do tonight...  yours is a good reminder to me to try to live in the moment...  it will help...  Thanks.

hawaiik

CLC,

Yes, you have almost recited my personality and my feelings word for word. How interesting. Except I am also angry that I accepted things for so long and feel I am somewhat responsible because of that ,for the situation I now find myself in. Changing my life seems easier said than done, and I seem to be really throwing people off balance.

CLC

I wonder when I will settle down into some kind of ease...  Here we are, still grappling with the aftermath...

Hawaiik...it is comforting to me to know that I am not alone, though I would not wish this journey on anyone. 

CLC

Tonight is the eve of my diagnosis anniversary.  Man oh man, what a year.

Upheaval.  I held off on those major decisions, as I said I would.  But, now that time has passed, I am ready to make some of those hard decisions.  I have decided to start planning how to change careers (again).   I have set a timeline. 

I have set limits on what I am willing to accept in my marriage and the ball is on the other side of the court for now.

But it hasn't been all upheaval. 

I ran my first race in May.  And I am training for my second race in October.  I spent more time being with my children.  I spent less time cleaning the house.  I spent more time throwing sticks for my dog.  I spent more time reading.  I spent more time with my best friend and less time listening to the whiners of the world.

I am grateful to be alive.  I am grateful to feel alive.  I am grateful that I can deflect and ignore the things I do not want to waste my life on. 

I am tired, but hopeful.

I am grateful to everyone here for helping me through this rough rough rough year.

Thank you.

thefuzzylemon

CLC - I, too, have had a shift in the way I see things, deal with things, etc.  Some of it is wonderful - My daughters and my husband, my mother - incredible people in my life that, although I had a wonderful relationship with each of them before, it has gone to deeper levels that would not have been discovered without this horrible disease.  I have lost many (literally hundreds) of "friends" and that still eats at me everyday.  I have lost my style, my focus, my drive...but I do see things differently - like those stars...like songs on the radio...like being here with you, right now.  I almost feel like there are two sides to me - one that suffers and one that refuses to suffer (if that makes any sense at all).  I admire the way you have expressed yourself here.  Yes, girl!  Change careers - do not settle for a less than amazing partner - you seem to be determined and ready and I do admire that. 

So tomorrow...what's your plan?  I do not celebrate that day....I have a darker view of what that could actually mean and its a reminder of how much I have lost...the faster that day is over, the better. 

Big hugs to you.  I'll check in on you tomorrow to see how you are.  Please post if you can!

CLC

fuzzylemon...  big hugs right back.  You are just one of those people for whom I am so grateful.  "One that suffers and one that refuses to suffer."  Makes enormous sense.  It's like getting up in the morning, every morning, determined that this is the day that things will be wonderful.  And, after the day isn't so wonderful, getting up the very next morning and being determined that this is the day that things will be wonderful.  I think it is called "strength."

Tomorrow, I run 7 miles and I watch both of my children dance in an exhibition.  

And I am donating to bco.  I intend to make that an annual tradition. 

thefuzzylemon

CLC-Tomorrow, I'll be the air beneath your feet. Run like the wind! And enjoy the babies (I call our children babies...)

I am also grateful for you...you've always been so kind to me. Yes, that's exactly it!!! I think...tonight, I'll sleep and have some energy...doesn't happen and I try again. Things like that happen all day long...everyday. My shrink called it "hope" on my last visit. I told him I still have my dignity...I plan to keep that if nothing else!