Thinking Out Loud.....

sheila888

Met him July 1969.  (still in Turkey) age 18

Came to USA December 19, 1971 age 20

Married January 1972.

DD#1 was born July 1977 when i was 26

DD#2 was born August 1980 when I was 29

He left October 1980.

I turned 59 in May.

sheila888

Deb..I had a colonoscopy about 3 years ago.

Makratz

RPOC, I just threw some bleach down the garbage disposal for you!

59???  29?  Yes, 29!

deborye

If they didn't find any polyps then you don't have to have another for 10 yrs.  They found a polyp in what is called the sessile part of the colon, it was a Tubular Adenoma, B9.  I got pictures, LOL.

sheila888

Linda....haahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Makratz

Do you care to share those pictures?

deborye

Only via email, don't want to put them on FB, my DD will take a fit. LOL

I saw that joke about 5 years ago. LOL 

sheila888

poor Deb Between AF and Colon....it must have been very busy for that part for you.

So this is gonna be your second.

Mine showed me a picture too. I didn't even know what I was looking at. Everything was fine.

He said 10 years.

deborye

Potato Prostitute
Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

Makratz

I do love it!!  lol!!

Makratz

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,
    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.  I'v ben a gud boy  all
yeer.  Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
    Nice spelling.  You're on your way to a career in lawn care.  How about
I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?  I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger.  At least HE can spell.                  Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!  Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?            Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy   
Dear Teddy,
    Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let me
send you some Legos instead.                      Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
    I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.      Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
    Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're gay.  I'll set you
up with a Barbie.                Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
    I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.    Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
    Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh.  You want to do me a favor?  Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.                  Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
    What do you do the other 364 days of the year?  Are you busy making
toys?    Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
    All the toys are made in China.  I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films.  I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table.  Hey, you wanted to know.              Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?            Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do.  I'm
skipping your house.          Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
    I really want a puppy this year.  Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
  Love, Timmy   

Dear Timmy,
    That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me.  You're getting a sweater again.                    Santa
****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
    We don't have a chimney in our house.  How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky   

Dear Mark,
    First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school.  Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a
low-rent apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,     
Santa 

sheila888

Okay keep them coming I love jokes.

I even poured myself glass of wine and waiting.......

deborye

Makratz

Cosmos are poured here:

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to an American company, Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.    
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
 
Crazy!
 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:   'Have a Happy Period.' Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
 
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
 
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that' s a promise I will keep. Always.
 
Best,
 Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
 

Makratz

sheila888

Q: Where do one-legged people eat?

A: IHOP

raincitygirl

OMG - this is all hysterical!  I hope I can find something to match what you have come up with here!

Makratz

these are my absolute favorite funnies!  I've been holding on to them for 6 years!  I hope you like them too:

>>GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE
>>> >>
>>> >>Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework
>>> >>assignment.
>>> >>
>>> >>He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
>>> >>
>>> >>1. Hotel
>>> >> I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
>>> >>
>>> >>2. Dictate
>>> >> My girlfriend say my dictate good.
>>> >>
>>> >>3. Catacomb -
>>> >> I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that
>>> >> catacomb.
>>> >>
>>> >>4. Foreclose -
>>> >> If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
>>> >>
>>> >>5. Rectum -
>>> >> I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
>>> >>
>>> >>6. Disappointment -
>>> >> My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send
>>> >> me
>>> >> back
>>> >> to the joint.
>>> >>
>>> >>7. Penis -
>>> >> I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
>>> >>
>>> >>8. Israel -
>>> >> Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
>>> >> "Bullshit, that watch israel".
>>> >>
>>> >>9 . Undermine -
>>> >> There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
>>> >>
>>> >>10. Acoustic -
>>> >> When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the
>>> >> poolhall.
>>> >>
>>> >>11. Iraq -
>>> >> When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle; iraq, you break.
>>> >>
>>> >>12. Stain -
>>> >> My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain
>>> >> for
>>> >> dinner?"
>>> >>
>>> >>13. Fortify -
>>> >> I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
>>> >>
>>> >>14. Income -
>>> >> I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
>>> >>
>>> >>Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
>>> >>
>>> >>Today's word is: "OMEL ETTE" Let us use it in a sentence
>>> >> I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide
>>> >>

sheila888

I drink to that  LOL

sheila888

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, 'What's the story?'  He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Makratz

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

raincitygirl

 
One day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and
hair all matted down We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
 My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat,
not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen
my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice
said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the
way, I think she's pregnant.  God only knows who the father is!"
Then he closed the door.
 

Makratz

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope that's not a true story!!

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

deborye

TOO FUNNY!

sheila888

RCG..hahahahahaha 

Linda  hahahahahahaha

Makratz

I hope RAJ reads these tomorrow and tells some of her friends!

sheila888

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

deborye

LOLOLOLOL

Makratz

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

raincitygirl

Hysterical jokes above - my arsenal has very little. Ok, it has a lot but they are all way too naughty for posting.....like why NFL quarterbacks need short names...

Mount and DO