please help

sueps

.....THANKYOU... Valerie.... that picture made me cry , I feel I am letting you all down by not getting myself together, Towhee .... I keep reading what you say about everything and try get it to sink in to my emotions...you are very supportive...as is everyonre..Karen and Melody...and ALL OF YOU...

I was up most of the night sobbing my heart out, with some very disturbed thoughts and terror...first time I have done this...I have never been in such a thoroughly lonely place...

Its the call I had  about the triple neg....I cannot believe that I got this and then the worst...and the one that is most likely to come back and the one that is most aggresive no matter whether it is caught early....... I thought I was over the worst with the surgery!!

Well, I truly think if it is to get me then I wont bother with any treatment, in the hope it may not come back at all...

I AM SORRY I AM SO DOWN.........ARGGHHHHHHH...what can I do!!! Does anyone else have terror thoughts...

Love you all xxx

sueps

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH...I KNOW I CANT CHANGE ANYTHING, I JUST NEED STRENGTH IN THIS LONELY PLACE OR I WILL GO UNDER OR WORSE. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!  < my inner mind...well I cant shout it out my sons will hear me xxx

sueps

I know I should have packed me bags and gone over to the triple board but I feel safe here with everyone...and this is my home when I am scared ..and I love to hear from you all xxx Please understand ...I feel extremely close to you all and very bonded from the start of this journey xx

livesstrong

Sue,

I am sending positive energy your way, .

This is NOT the end of things.  You will see your surgeon, discuss your options and start your treatment.  Life goes on!!!!

If anything, stay strong for those boys of yours.

Why don't you try calling work.  It might get your mind off of your pain.

Stay strong,

Valerie

sueps

..I have been in touch with work a little earlier Valerie xx...I am going back to work on Thursday....I need to get back on track....as for the pain that I still have well the terror has over ridden all that....the pain is small fry compared to what I imagine I may go through...

 I take heart Towhee notes how it doesnt diminish the magnitude of it etc...if I have hope....

I do not have hope but the anger drives me to say "get lost bootface I am sick of ya "

I am extremely scared and very very very frustrated....

Tonight I am going to reassess my diet...and find out what is good for this type of thing.....Did anyone else change their diet...or know what is particularly helpful....

Much Love...xxx

TenderIsOurMight

Please don't pack your bags and go to the triple negative thread should you not wish to. That is just a suggestion for more specific information, but many here on this thread can help in that regard too.



The deep dark recess of your mind that is present now does fade with additional treatment. And you have had great treatment to date: removal of tumor itself! And the negative nodes mean so very much Sue.



Now they'll pick an appropriate chemotherapy regimen based on the new studies on your tumor, and have at it! And we'll be here, just like we have been to help you and all similar ladies and men on this board through it.



We've made some other suggestions in the past, perhaps worth gingerly repeating. The diagnosis and surgery of breast cancer threatens the very ground we walk on, shakes us in a way unfathomable, and sends our mind to dark places we didn't know even existed within us. To counter act this neuropsychologic pain, serotonin and other mood modulators are widely available and very, very effective. Just like I needed help with my cancer, my mind cried out for help with my mental demons. So to put balance in place, I turned to Lexapro, which is a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRI). It worked within 10 days or so, and lifted me from the black shroud I was in, to a more open minded, positive spirit capable of dealing with the chemotherapy.



This is just my experience, yet I wish to share it should you wonder what other options are available.



We're here for you Sue,

Tender

portiasproudmom

Sue, I take Lexapro as well.  I honestly don't think I could have made it through all this turmoil without it.  Still, I have moments of panic, but they're manageable and brief.  I truly believe that you would benefit from such a medication.  That's just my opinion though--no pressure.

I'm glad that you finally had a really good cry.  It's not healthy to hold all those emotions inside.  I finally had a cry last week.  It was triggered by the littlest thing.  I was flat on my back, feeling like death, and my son asked me if I was lazy.  I felt HORRIBLE!  Supermom had been reduced to a couch potato!  I hate it!!!!!  I'm glad that he said it though--we all need to let it out on occasion.

I'm hoping you'll feel a bit better today.  You have so much to feel hopeful about, Sue.  The triple negative is NOT a death sentence.  I wish the cancer specialists wouldn't make such a big deal out of things like this.  It just scares the tar out of people! 

Love and hugs,

Karen

sueps

Tender, thankyou, I have read your last post many times...and I definitely need help, I know I do, I forgot all about the serotonin help etc...

When I was at the GP the other day..she gave me some more zopiclone and I didnt want anything else, as in my head I didnt want to be drowsy etc...because I drive and work etc...

So that is what I am going to do on Monday...I am going back to the doctor and explain about my mood and ask for help. Hopefully I will start to feel better...

I am way off the scale in the dark...and yet I may not have any sign of it in my body now, it may never come back and that is what is so cruel.

 I have no hope it is very delibidating...and it is still the aggresive triple thing that I cant come to terms with..its as if that type is the type no one can fight..and it makes me feel powerless...and why should I even begin to fight if my fight will be fruitless...

OH MY .....SO SORRY EVERYONE....I FEEL SELFISH...SIGN OF DEPRESSION...MAYBE....

Sorry! xxx 

sueps

Karen  xxx ....I just read your post after I posted.....thankyou! I am really sorry about last night... You are going through so much and bearing up ... I can understand what its like regarding supermum...you are a great mum and your son knows..and thankyou for reiterating about triple neg...I have googled it and I think some things I read are of absolutely no help...

I am so glad you looked in on me...it is so comforting.....I was crazy with my head last night..it exploded x

Much Love xxx

livesstrong

Sue, as far as food goes I really didn't make drastic changes. Before bc I ate very little meat, didn't drink alot and ate mostly fat-free food.  But I still got sick!!!  Now,  I'm eating more organic.  The growth hormones they put in alot of food like chicken, meat and milk are no good for us. I've read that cabbage type veggies are good for us as well as certain mushrooms.

I went thru a period after treatment where I said "the he%$ with it" and ate too much of everything I like. Well, needless to say I went up a dress size!!!    With winter setting in here, I really have to be more careful. DH ws looking at way too many skinny ladies in Florida last week!!! 

I think now you should eat whatever you want to keep your strength up.  After this is over you can concentrate on being careful.

Valerie

sueps

Valerie ..thankyou...you looked wonderful in the pic you posted from your holiday!You're DH needs a slap lol..

I will bear in mind the hormones they put in food....I am thinking of taking my own lunch into work and not eating any more subway

Just with the diagnosis I know it didnt grow with hormones etc .... nobody obviously knows what makes it grow... However as I said right at the start of this thread I think it may be genetic...

Maybe I feel worse as I have PMT ...and stopped taking as many of the strong painkillers that were taking the edge off of reality...

I have set that lovely kitten picture as my desktop....it gives me warmth from you all xxx

Lucy1234

Sue



I have been given Citalopram.



Its amazing, everything seems so much easier to take on board. I run a mobile phone store in my town, I had a customer come in screaming at me because Orange would not repair her phone, I accually had to get somone else to deal with her as I cant help feeling like is it really that important! Come on isnt there more to life!



She looked at me like I was some crazy woman! The staff member who spoke to her had to say "sorry my manager hasnt been very well" LOL



Well it works for me, it made me feel a but sicky to start with but now i feel great!

I hate that feeling of desparation that you are battling with your head and if you can help yourself do it.



Saying all that I'll proberly be in the same boat in a month

Hopfully you can help me ;-)

XX

geebung

Hi Sue,

Just wanted to send more good thoughts and hugs to you. I hope you have a better day. I know you have a lot on your plate right now and PMT makes everything seem so much worse. I have to rush and catch a train. You will get through this rough time - I just know you will.

love,  gb. xxxx 

sueps

Poppy...thx ....dont some customers take the biscuit...your colleagues seem great...and that is very important....

I am going to write down what you take and tell my doc how I feel...she knows I get a lot of support from here....You have been a great strength,but I was very sad when you joined me....we are going through mirror images...and you are so much younger than me...but hey ..... we are both strong and I will be around for you always....Thankyou for your kindness  xxx

gb.....thankyou for finding the time to spur me on..I just hope you didnt miss your train....you see...our lives go on ...and everyone here gives me hope...I just have to hang on to it when I am solitary...

So my nxt hope...that the doc can sort my head out......and my main hope is that we all can stay in touch for many years

Much love to you all xxxx

Shirlann

Hey my lovey, you need to try anti-depressives, I am with Portia, they literally saved my life. No need to suffer like this.



Now, most of them take from 3 weeks to 6 weeks to work. So don't get impatient. You will not be drowsy, you will not be punchy. You will feel nothing except, you will start to hum. Then you will whistle, then sing. These drugs are not on the US Substance Abuse List because they do not do any of the things you fear.



Of course, some people have trouble with them. Not often, but some. And, of course, as with any drug, some people have to try different ones to find one that works. But this is rare. When you get your confidence back and your feet back under you, you can slooowly get off them. They don't want you to just stop abruptly, but taper off.



So that is the next step, at least that is what I would do. You do not need this much stress along with all the other things you are dealing with. The anti-deps do not affect your mind or ability to work, I worked 7 years on them and had not one adverse affect.



So this is the plan. I worry when you get so down. You are going to be just fine, this Triple whatever is not nearly as important as the negative nodes GREAT NEWS and the clean scans GREAT NEWS.



So focus on that and forget the triple whatever.



You are loved and you do not need to go anywhere. We need to be able to find you, so you stay right here with all your friends. No need to go to any other site. In fact, stay off that site. It is a little depressing. Stay here with us and we will stomp across the pond and not let anything hurt you! WE PROMISE!!!!!! XXXOOOO love you honey, Shirlann

sueps

Shirlann...it is always nice to see you...I am going to take my nxt step on Monday....and get them whistley pills and take them til I sing ... and then I will start to count my blessings; clear nodes and clear tests....and try forget triple thingy lol....

Shirlann..your last paragraph makes me feel all loved up....I havent had maternal caring and love since my mum died when I was 18.....And I feel much better knowing you're out there in your wellies ready to stomp across the pond ...lol

I need to get my sleep pattern back to normal, it is 12 midnite almost but the clocks go back tonite so it is really 11pm..

Do you put your clocks back in the US....sorry if its a silly question...

Shirlann thankyou for holding me in your loving care  xxxxxx

honeygirl

Hi Sue , just checking in to see how you are. Shirlann is so right , you just stay here  , we will help you anyway we can. And yes , its good you are gonna talk to your doc about getting you some antidepressants. They really do help.

Yes , we turn our clocks back , is it that time already!? I better check and see if this is the night we do it or I'll be off schedule!

Are your boys going trick or treating on holloween? Do you do trick or treat in England? Its so much fun. I wish I had a little to take. Maybe I could dress Lilly up and take her!lol

 Well Sue , its late there , I hope you get a peaceful nights sleep. Hope your feeling better. Hugs and much love to you. xxxx Melody

Ka-Loni

Hi sweetie, What are you afraid of? Are you going through the chemo? Do not feel sorry for yourself anymore. You have strength. You think you are not strong for some reason. But, deep down, God has given you strength to get through this. I did it! Your going to do it too! You leave this in God's hands. Talk to him daily and he will be right there with you. He will guide you through this. You are getting there each day a little more closer. You just hold right on. Believe me, You will see that tiny light shining through and it will only get bigger and brighter.

God Bless,

Kaloni 

Anonymous

Yep, drugs are important, all right! Wellbutrin here. I can't say they've made anything easier, but they keep me hovering just above panic instead of the previous swimming in panic!

Your plan is good. Let the doctor know how you feel and find out what is available. Decreasing pain pills, BTW, is a sure-fire way to get depressed. It is temporary, though, so hang in there.

As always, thinking of you....

Towhee 

Valsul

Hi Sue,

Hopefully you are fast asleep now and not up worrying about things. I just got back from London and checked in to see how your results came out and I was a big YIPPEEE for no node involvement and no blood involvement!  That is utterly brilliant news.

And then I read on to find you are so down about the triple neg thing.  Please, sweetie, let Shirlann be your guide on this one and don't let it terrorise you.  No nodes is so good.  I had 5 out of 7 positive and also Grade 3 and that gave me nightmares.  So no nodes is VERY good. 

But, yes, we have all faced the terror in the early hours when we are so alone.  Just now you are still dealing with the fallout of surgery - it all takes time to recover, don't forget, any surgery is a complete shock to the system - and getting to grips with the science bit of your diagnosis.  When you see your oncologist you will find that his/her plan of action will become the way forward and you will become more optimistic once you are doing something to get you through rather than this awful waiting.

My thoughts are with you to cheer you up - you have GOOD news here.  No Tamoxifen or AIs with their dreadful side effects - I'm on Arimidex and feel like I'm 92.  And no receptors on your hormones waving welcome flags for any roving cancer cells to make themselves at home.  Your body definitely has the "Not 'ere, mate" signs out.

Loving thoughts coming your way to lift you out of your slough of despond to light and love.  You will come through it, sweetheart.

Big hugs and much love

Valerie S 

CaliforniaKate

Sue, congrads on the lymph nodes being clear. That's great news. We all forget things when we're at our appointments. When you go back, be sure to ask for a copy of your pathology report to take home with you. You sound like you're doing great. Remember, knowledge is power.    Kate

OneBadBoob

Sue, my little cocker says please don't give up!!  We are all here to help and cheer you on, and support you and hold you up when you feel like you are going to fall.

We bc survivors have so much going for us in this day and age, and triple negative is certainly not a death sentence.

From the studies I have read, chemo and a wholesome diet and exercie program are extremely effectiving in fighting this triple negative beast, even more so than in fighting the ER positive beast. 

I am a newbie here (mostly have been lurking) and had my mastectomy and reconstrution in August, and started my chemo in September, two down and four to go.

One of the things that has really given me hope and fueled my fires to "fight this and not take it lying down" was a call I had from a friend who heard of my diagnosis, and shared his cancer story.

In 1986, his doctor told him he had run out of options and should put his "house in order."

Well, he found another doctor and another type of chemo (remember, this was in 1986--light years ago in cancer treatment.)

Now, here at the end of 2007, he is NED for many years living a wonderful life.  He remembers every year on his birthday to send a card to the doctor who told him he had no hope, reminds him he is still around and doing fine!!

None of us have any guarantees in this life--anyone of us may be in a car accident and possibly be so injured that we die tomorrow--is that any reason not to wear a seat belt to improve our chances of making it through that car accident alive?

Getting through and digesting the diagnosis is indeed the most difficult time--I have found Xanax and Prozac extremely helpful as a pair of "suspenders" to help hold one up as they kick this beast in the a@#!

TenderIsOurMight

Oh, oh what a cute puppy dog, just putting her little face up to Sue, saying stay and pet me! Thank you Jane for sharing your darling with us.



I haven't heard from you today, Sue, so just wished to drop by and say hi! Maybe it's a nice day there in England like it is here and you're out in the sun a little with the boys.



Just to let you know we're thinking of you and yours.



Tender

sueps

Jane...thankyou so much for your post...your dog is absolutely adorable...and your words are giving me strength...I truly thankyou for posting...xxx

Hi Tender, I have been thinking a lot today...and its always so nice to know you are out  there.

Well I woke up slightly better today...and took 2 strong pain killers..I still have a bit of pain ...not enough to warrant 2 I guess...but I figured they would take the edge off of the scarey head I have on...just until I reach out to my GP tmw.... and it worked as I have been feeling  a bit more positive albeit maybe false...haha...

So today I have been shopping for lots of leafy vegetables and pomegrante juice etc..I also bought a hardback note book...because I figure it is best to start a diary of my feelings, my strong and weak days..and what I experience in general as well as health...I am sure to give everyone here a good mention in it as I read back from when I started here.. It will also be good to keep a note of my chemo reactions each time so I can work around it and use it as an aid to get me through the moments...knowing thats all they are...moments...

So you see, I am doing the best I can...my head and heart are still brimming with fear.....and frustration...I can also here my pulse and blood race in one of my ears for some reason..

I also called my dad up and brought him up to speed...he is as always a rock to me.... (thankyou dad) xx

I do hope you are all ok...and thankyou for reading me  xxxxxx

My OH is going back to work tmw... for the first time I will be home alone...I am not too sure I am looking forward to that !

Much Love xxx

sueps

Jane ...your post I have just read again and again , it really means the world x

honeygirl

Jane , what an adorable doggie you have. He would brighten my day everyday! Thanks for sharing your friends story. I love the fact that he sends a card to the doc that gave him no hope. There is always hope. He is living proof!

Hey Sue , I'm glad to see you post.I did the same thing with my pain killer when I ran out of xanax , until I could get some more.

I think a diary is a great idea. I like what you said about getting through moments , "because thats all they are , are moments". That is so true and I think , will help to get through them.

Good luck tomorrow being your first day alone. Come here , of go shopping , or hook up with a friend if its to much. Take care , xx Melody

sueps

Hi Melody....

I am going to map tomorrow out in a min...in my head .... I just want to say hi to you...  You can make lily a little witches hat and take her trick treating...we do have it over here in the UK...although unfortunately in this nanny state we have become.....a lot of people frown on older children doing it.....

 We do have bonfire night on the 5th....so I will be getting the boys some fireworks and giving my cats some valium...lol

I hope you have a lovely day xxx

OneBadBoob

Thanks ladies for the compliments on my little miracle worker cocker, Betsy.  She is a certified therapy dog, and we had visited the local hospital weekly to cheer and inspire patients--I think our most touching moment was with a stroke victim who had given up hope, was horribly depressed and despondent.  He watched us put on our little "show" one week where I gave Betsy hand signals for her tricks--he did not say anything.

The next week when we came to visit, he was so excited--he told me he practiced all week in pt and could he give her the down signal this time (which is raising your arm straight up).  I said of course--he raised his arm--not a lot but enough for Betsy to know what he wanted, and she did a down--and that was the beginning of his hope and his recovery. 

Sue, Betsy sends you cyber woofs and tail wags and sloppy cocker kisses, and wants to let you know she will be your own little cyber therapy dog anytime you want!  She recommends a nice hot bath with bubbles, a good book or better yet, some trashy newspapers/magazines (People, National Enquirer or your British equivalent) some lovely lavender oil on your pulse points, and taking deep breaths. 

Just as an aside, it was actually Betsy who found my bc.  In June she became obsessed with my left breast--digging and biting at it--I kept asking her if she was losing her mind or what--then one morning, she had dug up a goose egg size watery "lump" on that breast which sent me to the ob/gyn, who sent me to the breast surgeon to drain the "lump."  Breast surgeon said long as we are in here, lets do some biopsies just to be safe.  Well, when surgeon called a few days later and left a message "Hi Jane--Its Laura (we were not on a first name basis)--I got your results--please call me--here is my home and cell number. . ." I knew it was bad news. . .

I too felt like this was more than I could handle.  More than I wanted to handle.  And when I heard multicentric, mastectomy, chemo--

But, now almost four months later, with mastectomy and resconstruction behind me and one-third through chemo, and lurking here and reading all the wonderful advice and stories--

And I wear my pink ribbon pin everywhere, and I am just shocked and thrilled at how many "sisters" I am meeting wherever I go--sisters who are out there enjoying life to its fullest years after going through this hell we all go through--but remember what Winston Churchill said "When you find yourself going through hell--for God's sake, keep going!!" or something similar to that.

Sorry, looks like I am writing a short book here!  Thanks for listening.

sueps

Jane your Winston Churchill quote just made me laugh out loud....hahaha...

Well what a truly lovely story you write in all respects...your dog is a wonder! ....there was somebody else on this thread...I think it was Nicole who told me her dog led her to her 'lump'

You have remarkable spirit...and I want to march on my fight with you ...lol.....side by side...left right left right...

You and your Betsy have filled me with strength.... Thankyou so much.....

I will find the fight within me soon, I am almost teetering on it again...

Much Love xxx

geebung

 Sue, I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself. You are showing true bravery. In the midst of all your fears and this huge struggle, you continue to fight and I am in awe of your fortitude. What a wonderful human being you are! 

I think it is a great idea to keep a diary of your journey - it will be valuable emotionally and practically. 

Much love,

gb xxx 

Jane, I have just read your two inspiring posts. Thank you SO much for coming here and giving your encouragement. I love your dear little dog - what an angel - and how she helps people. And isn't it amazing the way some dogs can diagnose!