My mom died..

Kate - My mother died of breast cancer over 10 years ago.  I spent a year grieving hard for her - crying all the time, missing her, aching in my heart.  It's normal to feel depressed and down.  She would not want you to commit suicide.  I'm sure she always wanted the best for you. I changed from a shy introvert to an outgoing person over the years - it can be done with help.  I still dream of my mom; and some of the things she did and said have stayed with me, guiding me.  You will start to feel better, and that is OK, too.  She would not want you to stay sad.  She would want you to go on and have a good life.  You will never forget her.  There are many times that I wish she was here so I could share things with her, including my own battle with breast cancer, but she is with me - I remember.  You can do it.

Hi Kate!

Thanks for checking in and letting us know that you will be away from this site.  If you want to or if you can, please check in with us from time to time.  I hope your trip back home is wonderful for you.  You should be very proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished!  Best of luck to you with everything that you do.

XOXO

Linda

Kate, I feel you, I am you. I lost my mom to breast cancer that quickly spread to her brain. She died Oct of 2006. I wake up every day wishing i wasn't breathing, i'm pissed off, angry that I opened my eyes and am still alive and she isn't. I think every day of suicide, can't think of an hour that goes by that it doesn't cross my mind, how , when, where and with what option to go ? When i go to sleep, I have nightmares, but i also have good thoughts and dreams of my mom. It's been 3.5 years and I feel the same today as i did the day she died, hopeless, sad, my life is gone and i don't want to be here. I only want to be with her , to see her, to hold her and tell her how much i love her , that i need her, that i can't go on without her. But i wake up each morning, and know that the day won't end without me dying and somehow it has. I'm not sure how. But know that someone out there feels the way you do and know that somehow i still keep waking up every day too, no matter how much i hate it . you aren't alone

Linda, ty for letting me know that she might not be here for a while/at all.  I hope she does also, I've been through the therapy, counseling but it hasn't changed things. just something i live with every day. Seems like you've got a great support system for what you are going through, hope everything goes well with you. I just wanted her to know that she's not the only one who feels like she does and I do wish her the best thanks again

Hi Kate, I'm just back from holidays and read that you're leaving for home. In case you check in, I wanted to say have a safe trip. I wish you all the best Kate Take care and keep your chin up girl....you've got a wonderful future ahead of you!

Mich

Hey Kate

Wow. I stumbled upon your words and they have struck me so hard.  I am Canadian living in Australia. I have been here for 3 years and in that short time have lost my best friend to cancer , my grandma ( not unexpected but I miss her) and a few months ago my beautiful brother died suddenly. ( all back in Canada)

I know how it feels to be so far away, to feel so disconnected to the loss though you are so tied to it , hourly.

 I am so sad you lost your mom, your MOM!!! I can't imagine that pain, that sense of disconnect to everything, the bleak , greyness of it all. Those sudden reminders that happen daily that you will never see, hug , laugh with or talk to your mom. Mom's are the most important people a woman can have . They love us unconditionally, no matter what.

They are inspired by us when we do something brave, like move to another country . They ache when we ache. They cry when we cry. They may act like they are angry when we do something silly or fail a class or wreck a car or have a party but inside they are reminded of their own childhood, teenhood, their own mistakes , their own dreams.

The one and only thing , the most important thing a mom wants for her daughter is for her to be happy. That's it.

That is all she really truly needs , for you to be happy.  Can you imagine how your mom felt knowing she was going to die. She knew how much , how strongly , how never- endingly powerful your love and need was for her. And it would have broke her heart to know ( and she would have known) how much you would grieve for her. She knew  how hard you would take this.

 I don't know what to say . But I do know that you should talk to someone.

Your mom wants you to be happy. Maybe have your own children, if that is what you want, whatever it is you want.

 The only way to honour her is to keep moving. Keep working at it . And eventually, whether you believe this or not, there will be a time where you get this. When you understand the power of her love for you . Where you gather the strength from that and let her be this wonderful place inside you that you can talk to ,and feel warmed by and a great source of strength from

I hope I haven't come across as ........ well I don't know. Just know that there are people who would miss you, that love you. I know that you aren't close to your dad and brothers but they are family and they need you. To be you. Whether you know this or not, they are concerned and care about how you are doing. Can you try and call them and just say , I miss my mom? Good luck Kate. I don't know you but I will be thinking of you and hoping you are happy

Michelle

Hi Kate

What a nice surprise to see your post. Glad the trip home went well.

Yes I'm sure this summer at home will be different for you.....your first since losing your mom. Try not to compare yourself to your Dad or brothers, with them being 'at home' and you being in the UK. Your relationship with your mom was unique......you had a special bond. Whether you're away at school or back in Thailand... she's in your heart and memories...it's not related to geography. I do hope over the summer that you will be able to create some new relationships with your dad and brothers that you didn't have before.

Your thread has been a catalyst for others to share their feelings who have been through similar ordeals, either as a mother who fears dying or as a daughter who has lost her mom. That's a good thing Kate.....we're all rooting for you and for others in similar situations.

Mich

Hi KateDa,

I just saw this thread this morning. I am truly sorry for your loss. Those 3 little words "My mom died" caught my attention immediately. I knew the message was from a young person who desperately needed help and was reaching out. And now you have all these wonderful substitute moms helping you, like hens (as one gal mentioned) clucking around a lost chick. Your substitute moms are guiding you and have offered excellent advice. I would like to add my little bit.

Did you see the Olympics? Canadian figure skater, Joannie Rochette, 24 years old, lost her mom 2 days before her performance. Her mother had been at skating rinks with her since she was 5 years old and suddenly had died of a heart attack with no warning 2 days before Rochette's performance. It was heartbreaking watching Rochette's heroic performance and blowing a kiss towards heaven after she finished. She knew her mother would want her to go on. She chose one of her mom's favourite Celine Dion songs.

Your mother wanted the best for you. You did really well in your exams, scoring such high marks. So your mother knew that you can be anything you want to be. Don't throw that away. Keep studying and doing well. Do this for yourself as well as for your mother who guided you this far. Joannie Rochette said that she went on with the performance for her mother as well as for herself. She knew that in a few years when the pain is not quite as bad she would have regretted not continuing. She finished with a bronze medal.

I noticed that you write very well. My mother was a writer and I am a painter. When I went through my ordeal, I turned to art and I now have a collection of paintings that are turning out to be my best works. Since you write and have already captured the hearts and minds of your "substitute moms." why not put your thoughts into a novel.

You could begin with those 3 little words. You could discuss the present where you are trying to come to grips with your emotions and then, through flashback, you could talk about your life and culture and the happy times with your mother in Thailand. You then could come back to the present and later, towards the end of the novel, you could talk about the future. This novel will be like a journey and it will help you to cope with your grief. It may take awhile; there is no rush because you are still not certain about the future. Eventually as you look to the past, then to the present, you will come to a greater understanding where your future lies. You could dedicate the novel to your mother, since she has been your guiding force in your life. Check out books in the library on novel writing. But I feel already you have a good beginning with what you are going through, it's just a matter of putting it together.

Good luck. Continue your studies, work hard and whenever you have a few minutes to spare, work on your novel.

Me too!!  I want to read it!  We miss you, Kate.  I hope youa re doing well.

Beautiful post, painterly.  Thank you!

Hi Kate,

I was away ain Santo Domingo for a wedding for the past week.  It was so warm!!  I was thinking of you while I was gone.  I hope you are doing well and I think of you often.  I hope you are adjusting to your home life and your family.  If you would like to check in with us sometime, we would love to hear from you.

I hope you are enjoying yoru school break and having some fun.

XOXO

Linda

Karen ~ sorry for your recent loss. It was clearly a long journey for you and your mom, and I can understand why you would have wanted to be by your mom's side when she passed. I wish you well.

Linda ~ Glad you got away for a holiday in the D.R.....hope you had a great time.

Kate ~ Hope all is going well with you. If you happen to log in, just wanted you to know that I'm still thinking of you. 

Mich

I sure hope Kate is able to read this thread.  You ladies are wonderful!!   Thanks so much for sharing! ♥

Dear KateDa,

 I am so very sorry for your loss.  I just loss my mom about 7 months ago.  She had breast cancer the first time when I was 11 years old and I helped her with her drains and wound care after her mastectomy and reconstruction.  She did okay until she had such back pain that she couldn't get dressed and found out she had mets to her spine - stage IV BC in 2002.  I was diagnosed with stage I (the first time) at the end of 2002.  I was working on a Master's degree in math (for lack of a better thing to do) and in my last semester of graduate school during chemo, and went through it at the same time as my mom.  After I graduated in 2003, all of my friends disappeared because of being scared of breast cancer-now they knew someone who had it, so maybe it just might happen to them.  Others just moved away.  I became so depressed and suicidal for a long time.  I overdosed on tylenol and my mom was so mad.  She said she loved me so much and why would I want to leave her like that.  I recovered  in ICU from the liver damage and went through therapy, but stayed depressed for another 2 years or so.

I got married in January, 2006 and had my second stage I later that year.  If I didn't have my husband's family, I don't know how I would have done it.  I was diagnosed as stage IV in August of 2007 and went through it with my mom.  Now, she is gone.  I love my husband and his family, but my mom is who really kept me going.  I cry almost everyday.  If I am very, very busy, I might get a day without tears.  Everyone tells me it gets easier with time.  I'm holding onto that thought.

I'm sorry to ramble; it's a bad habit.  I just turned 35, so I had more time with my mom than you, but of course, we both wanted more.  I hope you find moments and occasional hours of peace and stay around to make a difference in the way you are meant to.  I do believe we're all here for a reason.  Suicide is so awful-it really hurts those that are left behind.  My dad's mother killed herself and he found her.  If you ever need help, call someone, anyone, even a hospital.  It's hard to get through those feelings alone, so just find anyone who can help.  Of course, I'll be here and there are many others here too.  I wish you great peace.

Jennifer

KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy to hear from you!!!  I'm glad that you talked to your dad and things are better between you. 

I understand that you may not be able to check in with us as often as we would like, but you have just made my night by saying hello!!

I have missed you.  I think of you all the time.  I wonder how you are doing, what you are doing.

I hope you do well in school again.  You have made us all so proud last term, I know you will do it again.

I hope things are getting better for you.  I pray for you every day.  Know that our Mom is so proud of you, just like all your other BCO moms are.

XOXOXO

Please stop in once in awhile!!!  I miss you!  Wishing you the best, health, love and happiness.

Linda

♥♥♥♥