My mom died..

KateDa

My mom died a month after I turned 18. I need her so much. I lived for her, she was the reason I did not kill myself. I am not close to my brothers and my dad. I am shy and I don't know how to talk to people. When someone asks how I am feeling I would always say 'i'm ok' 'i'm fine', I don't even know why.

I'm depressed and don't know what to do. I'm thinking about suicied so frequently and I'm living abroad. It makes things worse because I feel like I am facing this world all alone. 

I don't know what I'm doing this for, why do I have to study so hard or whatever - I know it was my mom's wish but I don't want to live for myself and I haven't lived for myself. I'm just so messed up without her. Every morning when I wake up I will be sad and want to cry. I do not want to pick myself up to go to school. Every night I wish I would never wake up ever again. 

She has faught with Breast Cancer for 5 years and I have been depressed because of it too. I watched her die and had only 2 days with her before she died.

 People would say that she is here with me but the problem is I cannot make myself believe that no matter how much I want to. I don't believe that she is watching over me like they say in kids story, I have lost all my faith I don't believe in anything anymore. It hurts so much knowing that she is gone. She was my everything and my only happiness. 

Now i'm living my life like I am dead. I go to school and wait for the day to end. I come back to where I live and go on the internet searching about suicide though I know I am not doing it soon.

I'm so tired of pretending and being myself. I miss her every breath I am breathing.

 

apple

oh sweetheart..

you poor thing.  I wish I could hold and comfort you.  I have a niece who lost her father when she was less than 2.  I spend a lot of time her.   I tell her that she must do her best, be strong, that she must represent her father here on earth... that her father lives on in her.

(my bro.)

You will find a lot of support here.  Don't go away.  We'll help you.

  PM me if you wish.

kbram

Please call a suicide hotline number!!  There are professionals out there that can help you in your grief and pain.  I know it feels like you are in so much pain now but it will not always be like that.  How long has it been since she died?  You MUST get some help, sweetie.  Good luck and God bless.

Hugs, Kathy

Anonymous

Kate, I am so very, very sorry for your loss.  This is extremely hard when you are depressed but I implore you to talk to your school counselor about your feelings.  There are many young people who are also, at this same time, going through these same things and so the counselor will not only be someone you can talk to but will also be able to direct you to a group where you can share and find solace.

Please, please try and get support.  And, come back and let us know how you are doing.

Anonymous

Oh, I can feel your tears on my face.  It will be okay - please know that.

Makratz

I agree, you need professional help!!

I wish I could hug you too!!

I can only imagine how painful it ws for you to watch your Mom going through her treatments.  No child should have to see that!

I want you to know that you Mom would want you to go on living life as best as you can.  I think it will get easier with time, perhaps a long time.  Maybe there are other websites that have teens going through this too.  Maybe it would help if you talked to one of them

Please hang in there.  You will now have a cheering squad on your side from all the ladies on these threads. 
Keep talking to us, We want to listen and help. 

Linda

apple

Kate.. so many of us are mothers.

squidwitch42

Kate,

You are asking for help already, so you have opened the door to life. You mention your are in school, which may give you options for help (counseling center, grief groups.)  Loss is so very painful, and to lose one's mom hurts deeply.  You just cannot be prepared for it, but you CAN be supported through it. 

Please continue to be open to all avenues and don't let your shyness get in the way!  Please find the local suicide hotline and write the number down.  Keep it with you at all times.  Please look for grief groups/hospice who can give you therapy.  I did the grief Hospice counseling after my mother passed.  If you feel like you may hurt yourself, go to your nearest Hospital.  Let them help you.  Make a contract with yourself that you will go to the hospital before you hurt yourself in any way.  Honor this contract.

You are strong, and you have a lot of people praying for you already.  Please stay in touch with these ladies, and continue to reach out. Make your safety your priority.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  We all care deeply.

Traci

Anonymous

Kate ~ I am so sorry you have lost your mom.  I have 2 daughters and am very close to them.  I can only imagine your feelings of loss of your mother and the deep loniliness you feel for her.  Kate I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it better for you

But I can only try to encourage you to share your feeling that you share with us to someone you feel comfortable talking to at your school councelor's office.  Or a close and trusted family member.  If you could open up the way you have here on this forum.  Maybe you can ask for help from someone your mom would have trusted to help you.  It's so easy to lose faith at this time but sometimes we get the most strength from God while we are at our lowest, and you will get through this.

Barb

limegreen

Kate, please don't give up.  Please see a counselor at school or call a friend.  It is okay to seek help and support, and you made the first important step by starting this string.  My Mom was very sick with cancer while I was in high school and struggled for years.  When she died I was 24 and just started college.  She was so interested in my studies and wanted me to do the best I could.

It is hard because we chrish our Mom.  We can't and shouldn't deny our grief, but we can't give up.  It was very hard and takes time but we must continue with our lives and find peace.  I realized that eventhough my Mom was not physically here anymore, her influence, the things she taught me and the kindness that she possessed, along with so many other qualities, is a part of me and my life everyday.  I am 47 now and when I look in the mirror I see her face and it brings me joy.  Relatives I haven't seen for a while comment on how much I look like her.

Kate, stay with this string and let us know how you are doing.  Please seek help with a counselor or close friend.  PM me if you would like.  I know it is so hard for you right now sweetie.  Stay with us, we care about you and want to help you though.  Allow yourself time to heal.   Warm hugs for {{{{{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}}}}}}}

Kate0574

Kate.... From one Kate to another... I can sympathize with you, I am 35 yo and I battled BC when I was 32, my mom went wo all my apts with me and was my ROCK during that time... I just lost her a week before Thanksgiving sudenly to a stroke and organ failure....got the call she was gone, that is it no goodbyes no nothing... only a ventalator to keep her breathing long enough to have her last rights done by her priest. I feel like I live in HELL..... I wonder what happens if I get it again? who will help....or better yet, who is going to be there for me just on an everyday basis like she was.... I have gotten help NOT with pills but with support groups. THEY HELP SOOOOOO MUCH.......

I believe you have already taken the first step, you are talking with us about this.... we are a great sisterhood to fall on but you do need to talk with someone locally that can help you through this.

Keep posting your feelings and we will all be here for you the best we can. Where do you live?

 HUGS!!!!

Kate

KateDa

I have no close and trusted family member. My mom was the only one I could talk to. My brothers, my dad and I, we are distant and mom was the only connection that pull us together.

 I have tried to asked for help, I have tried to talked to my old teacher but since I already finished high school in my country before coming here to continue studying college [I am Thai, now living in the UK] ,  so we are no longer together -  she would talk to me once in a while but I have to cope with this every day and she cannot be here for me all the time

I have difficulty talking with people even the one I trust. When I went to talk to my teacher I could not say anything in front of her. I would just sit there and keep quiet and could not talk, that's why I am doing this online. 

 I have talked to close friends but as you might know they do not understand or they just don't know what to do because it doesn't happen to them, they still have their mothers waiting at home for them to hug. So all they could say was something like 'you may get used to it one day' or they went quiet and that make me feel worse though I know it's not their faul.

I have just come back to college for the first week, tonight will be the first night I'm not crying.

Most teachers do not know about this and some start to think that I am lazy, college then start to be stressful cuz i'm the scholarship student and everybody is expecting me to do well.  I have to get the place for university too or I would be sent back next year. 

 I watch people around me smiling and laughing, happiness is all aroud and I can't even touch it. Why MY mother? Why now? Why me? I should be living happily and enjoying my school life like normal children right now.

apple

what are you studying Kate?

you sound smart.

and yes,  you should be laughing and enjoying yourself.  I totally agree with those who said to seek some help..  but, one thing that has always helped me when down in the dumps is helping other people... it passes the time, makes you feel good.

AnnNYC

Dear Kate, please tell your teachers about your mother -- please don't let them think you're lazy or a bad student.  Even if you don't turn to them for emotional support, at least they should be informed about the events going on in your life.

[When I was a freshman in college (40 years ago...), my best friend died suddenly, about three weeks before the end of the term.  I didn't expect understanding from my gruff Honors Literature professor, for whom I had to write a big paper, but finally friends convinced me I had to explain -- he gave me an "incomplete" and allowed me to write the paper in the following semester, and was very kind.] 

There is a group in the U.K. called Samaritans -- they have a helpline for people in emotional distress: http://www.samaritans.org/

It is so good that you are reaching out here, and I hope you continue to reach out for the help you need in your daily life.

Please know that you have hugs and concern from all of us here.

((((Hugs))))

Ann

Makratz

Kate, Talk to someone at your University.  Anyone.  Just talk.  The adults there will be willing to help you.  Tell a teacher.  Tell a friend and they can talk to an adult for you. 

HUGS!!

lvtwoqlt

Kate you should find someone to talk to. I am sure that there are counselors at the university (in the medical center) you could go to. It may take a couple of times going to them before you can completely open up but you do need to find someone you can talk to face to face.

I lost my aunt one month before I turned 18 to cancer of unknown origin. Her family had moved into the apartment next to my family that spring after she was diagnosed so we (my family) could help with her treatments, I helped look after her two young boys and took her to many appointments that summer. She was like my own mother and I know that if I couldn't talk to someone, I would want to give up also. Please try and find someone to talk to about your loss.

Sheila

flash

As a mother, my heart goes out to you.  PLEASE talk to someone at the University.  It is hard but you will get through it.  Half of you  genetically IS your mother so she IS with you.  Please, please , please get some help.  Your mother would want you too.  We're here for you also.

sweatyspice

Kate - maybe there's a local support group or counselor you can talk to - have you looked into the services listed at Cancerbackup?  I'd look for you, but I don't know where you are in the UK, and even if I did, I don't know the UK well enough to know what's close and what's far away. 

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancerinformation.aspx 

You could start here:  Call our cancer support specialists free on 0808 808 00 00   

I have friends who have used Cancerbackup's services and done fundraising for them.  They're a reputable organisation.  

dlb823

Kate ~  I'm so sorry about your Mother, and I agree that if you are having any suicidal thoughts, you really do need to reach out to a mental health professional.  Can you possibly contact the hospital where your Mom was being treated and see if they have a family counselor or social worker or psychologist (any of those titles might be used for the position I have in mind), you could talk to?   Most facilities that treat cancer patients have someone like that on staff to help both the patient and family, and I just know they would want to know what you're going through and want to help you.  That's what they do.  There are also (at least in the U.S., and I would think in the U.K., as well) support groups for people who have lost a loved one to cancer.  Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone and that others know what you're experiencing and are going through the same thing can ease our burdens. 

I know it's hard to believe now, but things will get better.  No one can take the place of your Mom, but it won't always be as hard as it is right now.  But I do think you need some help navigating the rough road you're on at the moment.

Please stay with us.  We care about you and want to help you through this.      Deanna 

Want2HelpHer

KateDa, it sounds like you loved your Mother very much -- as I'm sure she loved you too.

I can't begin to fully understand what you are feeling, but you have to trust and understand your Mother wanted you to thrive, be successful and find joy in the world even after her passing. 

Your Mother's love and spirit live on and are reflect through the goodness in this world -- perhaps, even through the voices of support from strangers.

Find someone to talk to about your feelings. This forum is a start, but you should seek the help of a skilled professional to help you work through your feeling of loneliness and despair. I'm sure it wasn't your Mother's wish to leave adrift.

You are loved and valued, and because you are please seek the help of a mental health professional to work your way through this. It's what your Mother would want for you.

Anonymous

Kate, losing your mom is difficult at any age, but especially as you are standing on the threshold of adulthood, so the supports that would help children are no longer there, and you have not yet built the supports that will be there to carry you through the rest of your life.  

Do you have aunts or female cousins, or any other female relatives you can talk to?  They may be more tuned in to your needs than your father or brothers are right now, and would have a better understanding of your loss than friends who may not have experienced that kind of loss yet in their lives. 

Can you use Facebook to stay in touch with those people who can help you, including your old high school teacher?  Parts of it are very public, but you can also send messages directly to people, and that may be a way to feel close despite the number of miles between you. 

Let your teachers know what is going on in your life.  If you don't feel comfortable speaking to them, write a short note.  You might be pleasantly surprised at the support you get, and at least they will know what you are dealing with, and won't be adding to your burdens giving you a hard time trying to "save" you from being lazy.  

Suicide is not the answer.  Have you tried an internet search for teenagers who have lost their mothers?  Unfortunately, you are not alone, and finding others who are dealing with the same things may help. 

You will feel better eventually.  You will find things to live for.  You need to give yourself time to mourn, to heal and to start moving forward with your life.  In the meantime, school provides a needed structure, so don't give up on it. 

You will learn more than you expect this year.  They may not be the things you expected to learn when you chose this university, but you will learn.  You have reached out to us.  Keep doing that and you will find what you need to keep living the life you are meant to live.

Anonymous

Kate, I sent you a PM. You are past the point of any of us being able to help you in a concrete way. When one's primary focus in on 'suicide' you need to drop whatever you are doing, immediately google for inpatient psych services in the UK (I know that there are several there) and you need to get yourself assessed, evaluated, diagnosed and if need be, admitted. If nothing else, you need to talk to a crisis worker at one of these facilities, immediately. Kate, the focus on suicide is alarming and something I am not sure we can fix on these boards. I am so proud of you for being brave enought to be honest with us. But I hope you can rely on us to tell you the truth about solutions for you. And I hope that you will follow them. I have been inpatient because when I quit drinking 21 years ago, it was discovered that I had been depressed all of my life, even as a child. At age 34, what a shock to find out I needed to be inpatient psych and to be put on antidepressants. I drank and did drugs to self- medicate my depression. There is no fixing 'suicide' (that thinking is distorted and is a delusion) and you never have to live this way one more minute,one more hour or one more day. You need to take action and get to an Inpatient Psych Facility for assessment by a crisis worker immediately. Sorry to be hard on you, but you deserve to get healthy and you deserve a wonderful life. But it will take a lot of work from you and it is something you cannot do alone.  You (and I at the time) needed professional help! Please know that we all love you, but sometimes immediate action is needed. In your case, I think that time has come (I am a retired mental health care worker/crisis worker). PLEASE get help like right now! Get a friend to take you for crisis assessment or take a cab (been there and done that in the UK) You can and must do this. Very Worried, SV

chasinghope

Dear Kate,

The last thing your mother would want is for you to kill yourself.  Your mother must have been an amazing woman, this is why you miss her so much, but remember she instilled a seed in you. She gave life to you it would be a grave insult to her if you took that away. I lost my dad to cancer, I thought I was going to lose my mother to cancer, now I'm battling it myself, but life must go on and the biggest gift and honor you could give your mother is to thrive and keep her memory alive. We all must die at some point, no one lives on forever, remember the body is a vessel. I truly believe that you will be with your mother again but not through suicide.  Your mother is watching over you and she put all these women in your life (on this board) to comfort you and tell you that it does get better. Please seek out someone to talk to about this and don't harm yourself, your mother wouldn't want that. You're not alone in your pain but keep moving forward. Sincerely, Kelly

SpunkyGirl

Kate,

My heart goes out to you!  The greatest desire of any parent with cancer is that our children will survive and thrive despite anything that happens to us.  You are so young to go through all this, and my heart goes out to you, but you have to live.  Your mom would want that.  Where are you? Wherever you are, there should be counselling available for you.  Do whatever you must to get help.  This is too big for you to deal with on your own.  Please stay in touch with us and let us help you.

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

Bobbie

limegreen

Kate,

I have been thinking about you since my post.  StillVerticle is absolutely right!  The most important thing right now is that you get some help as soon as possible. 

Anonymous

Kate, you can see we are all worried so I hope you will get help and also come here for support and to let us know how you are doing.  You are not alone.

[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ B  I  G    H  U  G  S ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ]

Makratz

Kate, Check in with us today and let us know how your doing.

XOXO

lovemyfamilysomuch

Hi Sweetie, yes there are many moms here who are thinking about you and worried about you.  Great advice to get help.  I am sure your university has a counseling center.  CALL them and tell them the truth.  They will know how to help you.  You have to reach out, you can do it!  We care about you and I send you a motherly blessing.  Call the counseling center!!  And let us know when you do!! xo

kbram

Hi Kate sweetie.  I hope today is a better day for you and that you are feeling some kind of relief from all your misery.  Please let us know how you are doing and if you have been able to get some help.  WE do care!!

Hugs, Kathy

Ezscriiibe

Kate:

I had a very very close friend who lost her mother at the same age you lost yours. She spent many long, agonizing years trying to deal with it. She, too, thought someone who has not lost a mother, could not possibly understand. She was probably right, but we can relate to loss, so that's a point of connection there.

She found a few groups along the way to help her through it. It's rough, I won't deny that. 

Here is the link to a book that might be a good place to start. It's called "Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss" (you can find it for as low as $3.90 (US) or even possibly at a library somewhere.

http://www.amazon.com/Motherless-Daughters-Legacy-Hope-Edelman/dp/0385314388

There is also an online group called "Motherless Daughters of LA" that might be a good starting point, too. It's specifically designed for young women (23 or younger) who have lost their mothers. I haven't actually navigated the site, but you might be able to pick up a thread that will help lead you back to the world or at least some way to help you cope.

You came to this site, full of women, many of us mothers or grandmothers, with the same illness that your mom had for a reason. To connect -- with your mom.

We hear you and love you and know how much you need to hear that.

Please try to hook up with the book and link I gave you. 

You are in our hearts.

(edited to add the link to the Motherless Daughters website: http://motherlessdaughtersbiz.com/ )

apple

hi Kate..

I've been thinking a lot about you since yesterday.  I hope this day brings some peace.  I remember when my brother died, waking up each with that awful sinking feeling.. I was so hopeless,  He had been sick for a long time (schizophrenia) and I spent 10 years supporting him, visiting him in the hospital, taking him places, giving him money.  When he suddenlykilled himself I was so devastated.  sooooo lost and sorrowful.  I became an instant alchoholic... it took me a few years to conquer that problem.  I wish I had gotten some help.  It never occurred to me to seek counseling.  My whole family was stunned and we all withdrew into ourselves.

I think of my own daughter and how she would be so crushed if I were to die.. we all do.  Sometimes I'm gruff and standoffish so she'll be independent and strong and not love me so much.

sigh

It's so good that you posted here.  Suddenly you have many moms, full of love and concern who want to ease your pain and help.  Your father and brothers are probably as devastated and may not know how to help you because they are consumed with their own sorrow.  They might not see your pain and despair.

We care so much.