My mom died..

Hey Katie,OK the women here are very concerned about you.if you have access to a computor, please post and let us know how you are doing. I am truly hoping that you went for an evaluation immediately and assessment. There is so much hope for you and I know that you do not believe that right now-but just know that I believe it. AND TRULY, I have been there with several very serious suicide attempts when I was drinking and using.I now know the source of the pain (after much therapy and meds) and you will get there too. But right now, when some one puts out the message that they want to "die" we are going to move to support you and to get you the help you need. Pleasepost sowe can continue to guide you, support you and to help you. (((BIG HUGS))) SV

Kate,

You must feel like nobody understands.

You must feel so alone...like even others who have lost their Mom don't feel as bad as you do.

I don't know that anyone could say anything to help you feel better.

You may not reach out for help offline. And that's ok if that's how you need to handle things for yourself.

Think about your Mom. Close your eyes, and imagine youself sitting with her the way you used to. Smell her perfume, feel the comfort. Imagine telling her everything. All the pain, the rage, the sorrow, the guilt, the loneliness. Say it outloud like she's right there with you. Say everything until there's nothing left. Show her how much you hurt.

Now listen to her reply. Imagine what she would say to you. Listen carefully and hear every word that she wants to say. Imagine how her eyes would look at you after hearing your pain. Imagine how she would hug you. Imagine how she would ache inside knowing that you feel this way. Imagine how she would want more than anything to make your pain go away and see you start to flourish and live such a beautiful life. The life she imagined for you when she gave birth to you, and saw you walk for the first time, and saw you grow into a beautiful, smart young woman.

She wouldn't want it to stop there. She has imagined more for you. Honour this.

Do this every day. Talk to her every day so she can guide you on the road to being happy again. It's a long road. Don't look that far ahead. Just take it one conversation at a time.

Much love.

KateDA, please continue to come here, often, and just let it out.  There is always someone around here as I'm sure many of us have put this on our favorites so we know when a new post comes in. 

We love you and want to see you well.  Even though you say you are not imminently suicidal, stay around anyway.  Together we will all work it out.

Kate - I can understand you might not want to talk to your father or brothers.  My experience  tells me that your worry about losing your scholarship for talking to a counsellor at your university might be misplaced. In fact, I would be astonished if that were a possibility.

If things in the UK are like they are here in Canada (and I suspect they are) your school has a counselling service and the counsellors there make sure that whatever they hear from you is confidential. They won't tell your family, they won't tell your teachers, they won't tell the administration at the school. If you aren't sure, one thing you could do is visit only to ask what is their policy on confidentiality. When you have that information, you can decide whether to make a further appointment or not.  I suspect that things may be different in your home country than they are in the UK.  I say this as a former counsellor in a school where keeping confidentiality was really important or students would have had no reason to talk to me - and they did come to talk to me.

You said that it sounds as if you are not helping yourself - you most certainly are helping yourself by coming on this site. I hope you continue to look after yourself as a way of honouring your mother.

KateDa - I sent you a pm

Hi - your post ripped my heart out.  Please reach out and get help.  It's apparent to everyone here that you are in crisis and you need to realize that, as well.  There is hope, sweetie.  I lost my mom this year and now I've been diagnosed with bc (after losing my dad to cancer in 2006).  It is all overwhelming, but what gets me through is the fact that life is all you get - and in that life if you can help one other person, it's worth it.  Please, please get the help you need to see you through this.  You are a valuable person and this world needs you.  Huge hugs - Mo

KateDa - thinking of you and sending plenty of cyberHUGS.

How are you doing Kate?

Did something happen to make you feel low?  Do you want to talk about it?  We can private message each other if you'd like.

Think about how your Mom would want you to be happy and go on with life.  Make her proud.  I'm sure she already is very proud of you!!

Linda

Hi Kate---I lost my mom to bc when I was in my early 20's.  It felt like the bottom fell out of my world, and there was nobody I could talk with because none of my friends had experienced a parental death let alone having one die in their arms, as I did.  My heart is all around you, I'm a mom of 2 boys and will never forget the fear in their eyes when I was going through surgery, etc.  I know you are feeling very vulnerable right now, but I'm almost 100% sure that your scholarship will not be threatened if you seek help at the University.  I also appreciate that cultural differences that many of us do not understand make you worry about how you would be received at home. I work for a major university, and attend grad school at another and both campuses are always concerned about students that are struggling with various issues, but both schools pay close attention to someone who is contemplating, or entertaining the idea of suicide.  Having these thoughts does not mean that they will want you to leave school, they will find ways to support you.  I don't know about the UK, but in the US there are hotlines, support groups (for grief and depression), and social workers associated with hospitals that are usually available.  This is a very tough time for you but you made it to the UK to study, so you must be smart and determined, try and lock onto that.

I know when I was at my lowest I would ask myself what my mom would be thinking and I always came back with she would want me to flourish in life, as I'm sure your mother would.  What concerns me is that what may have been a mild depression a year ago has become more clinical, and biological, meaning your brain chemistry might really benefit by the short term use of an anti-depressant, but you need to get help to get the medication, it could make a huge difference and allow you to get a foothold and healing.  It is OK to get better and to look with hope to your future,  and no doubt what your mother would want for you.

Hugs--Karen

Posted the above at same time as Kew.   We don't know the details of your scholarship but going on an anti-depressant scripted by your PCP should not jeopardise it in any way.  I know many on these boards are on them and it is no shame to be on them; it's more a shame to not be on them experiencing the help they give.   So please give that a try as well.  They can take a couple weeks to kick in (I've been on them in the past) but is well worth it.

HUGS.