STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Artista928

Man, what an ass the old shit is. I would have added more to my plate and said actually in my condition I need to eat more or something.

Micmel

Lita~ Next time pull out his chair before he sits down! Idiots!!!!! Big hug!! ~M~

Artista928

I'd rather him understand that what he said was stupid and insensitive and pulling the chair out from under him next time won't do it. He should learn and not say such a thing again.

edwards750

I am blessed to have a very caring family. My sister and SIL both have BC. My SIL is 8 years out, my sister 4 years. I think it brought us closer together. We have never been super close for a myriad of reasons. Our parents are deceased. One brother though has distanced himself from all of us which is really sad. Long history of anger and bitterness.

I also have a few close friends who have been with me for the long haul. Speaks volumes about them. I am so over the people who treat you like you have something contagious like leprosy.

SS - my DH just applied for it and found out his X has been cashing in on his SS. I know she is entitled because they were married 10 years and it won't affect me butit still ticks me off. She tried to ruin us financially when we were paying CS and she gets a portion of his SS. Something wrong with that.

At least we all have each other. This website is a godsend and has been my lifeline since I was DX almost 6 years ago.

I have BC/BS but have never gotten a call like you guys but I did get a card in the mail with numbers for nurse advocates, etc. I had one assigned to me from the Women's Health Center where I had my mammograms. She was awesome.

Good luck ladies!

Diane

VLH

Micmel, one of my friends who got cancer is slender, very active and eats a plant-based diet with healthy oils. I don't know the eating habits of another friend diagnosed last year, but do know that she is slim, exceptionally athletic and a yoga enthusiast. I hope you'll be kind to yourself and realize that you're not to blame for this odious disease or, more accurately, diseases since the more that is learned about breast cancer, the more we must recognize its complexities.

Lyn

Jumpship

VHL and Micmel I have to chime in. Every female but one has had bc. Three of them smoked every day. Me-the non-smoker, exerciser (but not thin!) gal...a family member told me that "my" cancer was environmental and that I could have avoided it. Still not sure what environmental factor she was thinking of! The other members of the family, she said, their cancer was "genetic" and there was nothing they could do to avoid it. But me, I could have avoided it, she said. What the &**&&! Every member of the family has the same genetic mutation.....but she says I caused my cancer by messing with the environment. Some days this really sticks with me. We can make some choices and maybe avoid bc but some times it just chooses us no matter what we do.

Lita57

Yep, Jumpship, I agree. It chose us.

My dad smoked and drank like a fish. He NEVER got cancer. He lived to be 85.

Fotheringay

Diane.

Your DH's ex won't get any of his SS; her payment may be increased to half of what his SS is/would be (if it's more than hers is calculated to be), if she meets certain criteria (married ten years, not remarried by a certain age- I'm not 100% of all the rules). It does not reduce what his payment is. That's my understanding of it.

Carrie

Fotheringay

Lita,

I just wish you hadn't scraped all the icing off of your spice cake, so you could have jammed your middle finger in it and wagged it at him, saying, "Ain't that the truth!"

Carrie

He's either a clueless innocent or a total boor. He's not worth your mental energy being angry at.

Eat what you can, when you can! I'd have eaten ALL the icing. First.

Micmel

sometimes the obvious never sets in. A nice bruise on his rear end would be a temporary reminder. I have had people say the darndest things. Just remember you're a warrior and clearly the ignorance of many we will face daily. I tend to try to bring humor into it, so I don't freak out on people. It's my way of dealing with stupid comments or people! Even If you explain things to some people, it goes in one ear and out the other, because they don't have cancer and just don't get it. So no Matter how much we exhaust ourselves hoping someone will get a clue and not hurt our feelings with insensitivity and bad comments. It will always happen. I would rather laugh then cry was my main point. Bless you all! ~M~

tgirl57

I am new to this whole thing but I need to vent and rant about my in-laws

Right after my bilateral mastectomy they were semi-supportive - but they have decided I am ok now and should shut up about my cancer. I only talk about my cancer when asked otherwise - I clam up because I don't want to really want to talk about this with them anyway, They constantly question where I am getting my medical information because they never heard of hormone receptive cancer. The holidays suck with these people even when I am not on hormonal therapy that keeps me up all night but this past Easter took the cake - all puns intended. My husband and I weren't invited until the night before Easter. I explained to the hostess - my sister-in-law, that I would eat before I came because of my multiple dietary restrictions. Due to several health issues - I have multiple dietary restrictions. I try to be discreet about it and do not impose my situation on others. I was hoping just to quietly have an iced tea and slip out. When my husband and I arrived on Easter - my sister-in-law insisted loudly that I get some food. When I demurred quietly - she went and told my brother-in-law that I wasn't eating because of my silly ideas regarding food. My brother in law left the room angry and avoided me the rest of the day. All of my in-laws are mad at me including my mother-in-law. I found myself apologizing and what the heck for? - if I treated a guest in my home this way, especially one of them - all hell would break loose.

Lita57

t girl57, I was furious when I read your post.

I'm assuming you do NOT live in California. Out here, every other person is either lactose intolerant, has celiac disease, is vegan, can't eat nuts, won't eat pork, etc. So we ACCOMMODATE them accordingly. When it comes to multiple food issues and family gatherings, we simply ask the person to bring something (rice crackers, lactose free cheese, tempeh, etc.) and a beverage that THEY CAN ENJOY WITHOUT JEOPARDIZING THEIR HEALTH. This is just a given out here, and even the older generation "gets it."

CUT THESE @#$HOLES OUT OF YOUR LIFE. They will continue to bring you down, and you don't need this in your life right now. Surround yourself with people who understand your situation and will support you and lift you up.

Keep us posted, and keep your chin up.

Micmel

Lita~ Obviously they are the ones who can't deal with it. Just let it roll. There is nothing you can do but know yourself and what you can and cannot tolerate! They think you're ok? Well that doesn't even deserve a comment in my mind. All of this is not ok, the way they behaved is not ok. Next time honey you might want to opt to have your own Easter dinner and not worry about what everyone else wants you to do. I have had it with some people in my family for the same reason. They are AS*ES they just don't get it. Like I said even if you spell it out for them!! They just won't get it no matter what or how bad we feel. They just think they should tell you exactly what they think and you should listen. I do not agree. Listen to your body and your onc!! If they can't be happy you're at least there. Then the hell with the next visit. And let them feel the void of their crappie behavior. I'm sorry lita that people are Dic*s. I just don't know how else to say it. Big hug.
You're eggs were better than theirs anyway lol
Prayers all around! ~M~

Lita57

tgirl57 - - Micmel's kind words apply to you, too.

tgirl57

Lita

Thanks for the support - I live in Ohio - in a metropolitan area - which is part of the problem. But I also think there is some passive aggressive stuff going on here. My brother-in-law is a prostate cancer survivor and he thinks he knows how every cancer works.

I used to host dinners at my house but it was determined my in-laws' house was more centrally located. What made me most angry was that 1 - I alerted my hostess/sister-in-law in advance 2- she made sure my husband was out of the room before she pulled this and most importantly - I didn't call her out on it right then and there - a year ago I would have. But my diagnosis and treatment have taken the wind out of my sails and I feel very vulnerable right now. My adult children would just as soon have dinners at our house which this may be the reason to start doing so. I appreciate the reality check - I am not the problem in this situation.

tgirl57

Thanks to micmel - too - my eggs were better.

Micmel

tgirl~ I am sorry that people feel the need to impose their thoughts about what you should do while you're going through this horrible thing. I keep a close knit group of people that I have allowed in because they are not morons! No one really knows much about what's going on because I have cut them off. They bring me drama and unwanted stress. We have enough to deal with then to allow someone else to make us more upset then we already are. No thanks! Always keeping you all close in prayer
~M~

Fotheringay

tgirl, Lita is so right; before I have anyone new over, I ASK if they have any food allergies/issues, because it's REAL.Even if half the state I live in now claims to have gluten sensitivities, I am not the one to question what they want to eat or not to eat.

So your in-laws are now the reigning authorities on breast cancer? Crikey. I can't even go there.

Sounds like you need a BIG break from them. As has already been stated, THEY are the problem, not you. Give yourself permission to avoid them if you don't feel up for a confrontation- you need to take care of YOU.

Carrie

leftduetostupidmods

Lita, I would have gone "you mean you KNEW I have all these dietary restrictions and all y ou prepared is food I cannot eat?!? I cannot believe this of you!!!"

Yes. Next time turn it on them and make a humongous guilt trip out of it. See how THAT feels for them. And keep it going on that tone no matter what they try to say, everything is on them. See how that will work in the future.

tangandchris

I'm ready to give up!!! I was fired in Feb and it us beginning to be very clear I am not going to be able to find employment that pays close to what I was making. I'm very discouraged at this point. I am angry that I am in this position and now have little hope for decent salary or insurance. My husband has always made less and I always carried the family insurance. I feel screwed. Emotionally I'm done, I'm not as strong as I used to be after cancer. Im hurt they fired me, reason given was performance. Maybe I did make a few mistakes but I don't think it was worth firing over. I do blame chemo brain, but what good does that do?

I'm terribly depressed, I hate saying it but its true. After dh goes to work and my baby goes to school it's all I can do to wash dishes. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even able to hold down a job anymore.

I'm lost right now.

Micmel

tang~ sigh! I know how cancer can chip away at who we are, I hate it! But it sounds like to me you need to apply for disability immediately! Chemo brain is real. Get support from a doctor and your medical history will speak volumes ! Apply now because it takes a long time to go through the process. Also contact your hospital cancer social worker to see what grants and or programs you could qualify for. They helped me many months when I didn't know what to do. Churches , state ins for the kids. Get all the help you can. Apply for unemployment for starters as well. Emphasize cognitive issues that prevent you from carrying a job or ability to function as you had before! Don't wait. You're a strong woman. I'll be sending you prayers. ~M~

Lita57

Tang, hang in there. If you were fired in Feb, and now it's only mid April, that really isn't enuf time to get a decent job. It takes 6 mos to a year for a lot of people. That's why there's unemployment insurance which lasts 6 mos or more if you get an extension.

Use any resource you can, even those vulture employment agencies.

Looking back at my own history, it usually took me more than 3 months.

tangandchris

I'm hanging on by a thread! Lol

Dh keeps saying that, but what worries me is the positions I applied for in my industry have turned me down. So I've been branching out but with little success. I think the combination of taking a skills assessment on computer skills....which I really bombed, and then getting a call back on a position that pays half of what I was earning has kicked my ass.

artistatheart

tang, hang in there something will come along and probably make you wonder why you didn't QUIT the first job before the asses fired you. In the meantime, try and get out into the world even if it's just to the local museum. I was so down in the dumps last week. I took an art class for cancer patients at the local Art Museum, short and simple paining class with some great pointers for getting your mind off of cancer for awhile. It was immensely helpful.

tgirl57

tang

I lost my job in October because I needed more time for leave than allowed by fmla. I am working for temp services - not perfect and less money but after a few months - I realize I am better off out of the former job - they treated me like crap during my leave

The other advice you have received is spot on.

Temping can be a good way to prove to employers that you are a good egg - and you are a good egg.

I also had to take a test for a job when I first started looking again and did not do as well as I would have done today after a few more months off; I was stunned at how powerful chemo brain is - and chemo was the one treatment I did not have.

I am a former HR manager - there are laws that are supposed to protect all of us in these circumstances (I know, I know, that is laughable). A consult with a good HR attorney might be worth it. Please note the word might - I want to stress that I am not sure it is a good idea to spend your hard earned money that is needed elsewhere on a legal consult.

Also, there is website called cancerandcareers.org that may be helpful.

Thoughts and prayers with you and your family, this is grossly unfair and not right. It is also why I am a former HR manager - I am working in the accounting field now.

tangandchris

thx tgirl.....I am reading the website, I appreciate it.

I'm not sure I'd have much of an actual case. I think the firing was legal, but certainly not ethical. I had only bern with them a few months when I was diagnosed, they stuck with me during treatment and surgeries. I pushed myself to take on more responsibilities to prove to them I was capable and it just went downhill.

Im feeling better today, it helps having things to do like someone mentioned. I am gonna look into temporary work soon. It's not a terrible idea 😃

Micmel

health insurance sucks let's face it. Ok any insurance sucks. You pay out your As* for something you may never use, and when you do use it ,you again have to put out more money! Then after years of paying into something , you have limits ! Oh wonderful ! I have heard so much crap about insurance this month alone i am ready to lose my last marble. Basically everything since my diagnosis has gone to sh*t. No one is happy anymore, everything is tense and a ball of stress and all I can think of is. How long do I have ? Will this medicine work so I can see my kids marry and have babies, so I can be a grand mama !? I no matter how hard I try just cannot accept that this is my life now. I am a runner, I lifted free weights, a lot of them and I was fit. Beyond fit. Toned and strong. Then BAM! What the hell just happened. ? Now what? ...... I just don't know how to accept what I didn't ask for. I don't know how to accept that I may not grow old with the man of my dreams , my precious best friend with the Bluest sweetest eyes I've ever seen. I don't know how to accept that I had to loose my beautiful hair that I loved. I don't know how find the breast I lost or where it even Is? But I sure do know it's gone. I don't know how to accept the person I am now. Because to me. That person is a stranger. One I didn't choose to allow into my personal space but was invaded. I don't know how to accept or think of a time I can't hear my children's musical laughter or see their gorgeous faces every day. I don't know how to accept that for the rest of my life I have to be on some type of treatment that causes me to feel horrible things and suffer mountain size side effects one by one. I just want to be left alone cancer. Leave my life alone. I don't want you. I don't like you. I very much hate you. ~M~

tgirl57

Health insurance sucks. I have strong opinions about it but that is best left for another time.

Micmel, damn. I do not know what to say. I hate this disease and what it does to lives. I had no symptoms whatsoever and it was a total fluke they caught it when they did. I am scared out of my mind - but I am not in your shoes.

I am the mother of a son with a serious mental health issue (he is doing ok for now) and I belonged to a support group for parents in a similar situation. Lots of people in that group always wanted to look at the bright side of the experience. They would insist that laying awake at night worried sick about your kid's ability to function or even live was a marvelous growth opportunity. Bull.

I understand the importance of growth opportunities but certain scenarios defy that concept. Cancer is one of them. The Universe could have found a better way for me or anybody else with cancer to experience growth. That doesn't mean I won't grow, I am sure I will, but come on.

Well, just my opinion and I am a newbie.

I am spiritual but not religious but I will pray for you, your soulmate and babies and for everyone that this disease torments.

leftduetostupidmods

That is one of the things that irritate me the most, and usually whenever I see it posted I tend to reply very virulently. "This made me be a better person". Are you effing kidding me? I bet you a million bucks (that I wish I had) that if you go and ask any of these people if, given the opportunity to experience a miracle, they would be able to choose between having experienced this horror and becoming "a better person", and NOT having to experience this journey to hell at the expense of not becoming"a better person" - how many do you think will choose the "better person" alternative? So much hypocrisy.

I know for me it was the opposite. It made me more bitter, more untrusting (especially witnessing the true faces of people I used to love and cherish), way less capable to experience happiness, bearing a permanent sadness in my heart and soul and mourning for the person I used to be.

A better person my behind.

Artista928

I'm thinking the better person thing is that you are more compassionate to others. Until I went through this thing for myself, I never imagined all the details and how harrowing it all is. So in that sense, I'm a better person and would never downplay anyone's battle not having been in their shoes.