STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

cliff

its kind of hard to fight a lump of out of control cells inside your spine. All I can do is keep taking the pills and shots regardless of side effects.

Valstim52

Freya, such an excellent point. So if I progress am I losing? 25 years ago was my first BC dx, so am I still winning that one, or did I lose when I got a new cancer a year ago?

p.s. I actually had someone say the above to me.

pajim

That goes along with the concept that "the patient failed the drug". Uh, no. The drug failed the patient.

Lita57

Great responses, ladies. I will take them to heart as I am now facing progression. Hoped I would have had a few more months of stability, but oh well.

I guess I'm losing, right?

(Will update my Dx/Treatment info below when we decide which chemo I'll be on next...)

april485

(((Lita)))) I hate this F&^King disease...hugs and prayers.

cliff

ME TOO. I HATE CANCER.

Patti1746

Hate cancer. Hate cancer.

And to the person who should be the closest to me, the one who should have my back...the one who knows I have cancer and currently under treatment. The person I confided in and who used that information against me. F--K you.

cliff

Patti, if there were a thumbs up emoticon, I would send it.

cliff

theres one more thing to rant about, I am so disappointmed that all this stuff has left me with my goold arm all lymphed up, and weakened so much, people like those that mistreated Patti above, would have been fun to rearange. now all I can co is rant.

Patti1746

Thanks Cliff!

april485

Hey Cliff = click on the smiley face up there and there is a thumbs up emoticon for you.

Fotheringay

Issue: People who have not been through it know SO little about it.

Before I got BC, I had no idea there were so many types of it, or anything about the hormone receptors and genes that have such influence on its behavior, how treatment has to be tailored to so many factors, and that there is NO 100% silver-bullet "cure" for any of us.

People think 1) you have surgery, 2) have rads and maybe chemo, and 3) BINGO! Your'e CURED, because "BC is one of the more curable cancers, isn't it???" That makes it easier for them to safely compartmentalize you and your illness.

I'm at the tail end of rads right now, and I am more impaired than I was a week after surgery (granted, I had a Lx, not a Mx; I can't even attempt to comprehend how much more difficult recovery from Mx must be). I have crushing fatigue, the likes of which I have never experienced. I look relatively normal, so a friend will call me and ask if I want to meet them for dinner in an hour, and I get to say, "Thanks, but I'm so tired I couldn't find the energy to take a shower today." I don't leave the house for days, other than to drive a few miles for rads.

My short-term disability was approved through the last day of rads. How generous of them! Yep, I'm going to pop right up and get back at it the day after!!! So Round Two with them starts all over the day after rads ends.

I had plans. My thirteen-year-old car is literally rusted out, and needs to be replaced before the chassis collapses onto the highway one day. I was planning a glorious trip with my daughter to a European country of our ancestral original in the late summer to celebrate her college graduation. Boy, THAT ain't happening.

Yep, I HATE CANCER.

Lita57

Fotheringay: I share your anger and frustration. My DD graduates from college this May. We, too, were planning a trip...don't think that's ever gonna happen now that I'm Stage 4. I hear you when it comes to fatigue...some days just getting in the shower and washing what's left of my hair is THE ONLY THING I can do that day.

The fatigue isn't just physical, it's MENTAL, too. It becomes a downward spiral, and you don't feel like doing anything or thinking about anything. It's rough. I have to try and motivate myself to organize all the income tax crap. At least I've dumped it all into a folder, but now I have to ORGANIZE the folder so when my tax preparer asks for things (property tax receipts, 1099s, charitable contribution acknowledgements, etc.) I can easily whip them out for him to key in. Gonna try and get started on that this weekend. In years past, I'd prepare a spreadsheet, but that just sounds like way too much work now.

Hope you can get an extension on your disability. The only consolation prize with Stage 4, is that they approve permanent disability without delay because they know you're gonna die.

Effin' Cancer!!!

MoreShoes

Just ranting. People think I'm okay. Even my husband thinks I'm okay. I am NOT okay. There's a painful spot in my armpit, the ultrasound couldn't find anything, the doctors don't worry but they suggested an MRI just for my peace of mind. I refused it. I thought I can start being "normal" again but I can't. I don't feel anything, no joy, no happiness, no sadness. Emotionally I'm already dead. Physically is not better either. Where my breast used to be, is now war zone. I can't lift my arms to take off my T-shirt. I may be alive but it feels as if I'm just going through the motions.

Fotheringay

Lita57,

I'm still a newbie, and not on the board that often, but i see how often you chime in with a kind word of understanding or support for those of us who are losing our minds, all the while fighting a tough battle of your own.

I just wanted to say thanks, and how much you are appreciated- You must have an expansive soul to be able to share so much of it with others.

((hugs))

Carrie

Lita57

You're welcome!

As if things couldn't get any worse, now my previous shoulder injury is acting up. Ibuprofen does nothing.

nrsteph

So perhaps this story with make some of you laugh!  I am laughing now with an edge of oh shiznit my husband may inadvertently kill me....

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was tired and my stomach was just off.  I inhale my dinner a delicious BLTO that I had been dreaming of for days.  I go to bed.  BAM 1:30 the sleeping dragon awakes and I proceed to vomit and have diarrhea every 10-15 minutes until 6:30am.  I know sounds like it can't get any worse right...well I have cancer so IT CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE   Along with my body forcing things out of every opening available I have a sharp very acute pain starting in my mid bicep of my right arm and is shoots straight through to my finger tips.  I have had three babies and this pain was a force to be reckoned with.  I am on a Phase 1 trial and they have been monitoring my heart very closely so all I can think is perhaps this might be a heart attack...I have felt off for a few days and now a really unexplainable sharp arm pain is all I can think of as I sit near the toilet for at this point 4 hours.  I wake my DH up and ask him to call the oncologist to see if I should go to the ER or not.  This is where the story turns...my DH goes to get his phone.  I am sitting on the toilet because I can't get off it with a large bowl in my lap...mental scene painted...my DH comes in and says "oncologist?" with the phone in his hands...I don't even look at him...I say "yes."  He says, "do you know the number?"  I say, "you'll have to look it up."  He says, "Mercy Hospital?" I don't look at him as this is a really dumb question.  He says sharply "don't get mad at me I am trying to help."  I don't even look at him.  I am trying to think if I can do it myself and know that I cannot because I have already thrown away two pairs of underwear by thinking I could get up and walk the 8 feet to my bed...I throw up again as he stands there and watches me with the phone in his hand.  I know I cannot make this call to myself and am scared that I am really having a heart attack.  I say rather snotty, "then don't ask questions, Dr. Name should be in your contacts." He walks away, moments later I hear him speaking to my local oncologist...it is 5am, he walks back into the bathroom but has to leave because he cannot hear the Dr. over the sound of me vomiting.  The Dr. says it sounds like the flu no need to go to the ER.  She asks him if I have anything to take...he explains that I have tried to take every one of the 500 anti nausea pills they have given me but that nothing stays down more than 2 minutes so they aren't working.  The Dr. says no need to  go to the ER.  My husband hangs up.  I ask if he was sure he told her about the arm pain.  He assures me he did and that was not concerning to the Dr.  Ok, I proceed to eat ice chips - which on a side note I will have to remember that when vomiting eating ice chips in between really helps to cut down on the burn!  I am always looking for a silver lining So I finally fall asleep once my kids are off to school about 7:30 and don't vomit again...diarrhea however is hanging on for dear life nearly three days later....yuck.  So yesterday the wonderful nurse calls me, I love her, to check to see how I am doing.  Apparently my husband did not emphasize how acute and concerning the arm pain was.  She said, "I wonder if I shouldn't have you come in now to have that checked." 

So, I love my husband but let's be honest...I am the boss and have run this boat for a very long time.  At this point, in all seriousness, when the time comes or a close call occurs I don't know if he will be the one that will be able to help me when I cannot help myself.

Lita57

you made me laugh....sorry to meet another April 2016 metster under these circumstances.

Xeloda gives me horrible diarrhea, so I use imodium and wear Depends - no lie - because I got tired of ruining so many pairs of underwear.

Hope you feel better. Lots of crap going around. My dh is on his 2nd cold in one month's time.

L

Meow13

When you have been hurt by others so deeply. Your own father systematically throughout your life then one final jab at their death. How to you let it go? My father has blamed me for his divorce from my mother in 1975. I was 15 years old at the time. Two months before he dies he told me he blamed me but knows he was wrong. His current wife is still making horrendous remarks to me. Let it go, tell me how to get my mind back to normal. The last few years I believed he loved me ever since I had my BC diagnosis. I know I somehow need to get past all this but how to you do it?

pajim

Nrsteph, sounds like you had the norovirus. But I wouldn't be absloutely sure of that. If it stopped afet about 6 hours and 48 hours later you feel better, well.

It sounds like your husband can be supportive but isn't great in an emergency? Sometimes that happens to people, male of female. They simply don't know what to do. [The day my husband woke up unable to breathe I panicked even though I'm usually the cool one)

Lita57

No, Bosum, it's not you. People just don't give a flick anymore. More and more stuff keeps falling thru the cracks.

nrsteph

It is not you. Cancer is a stick in the mud that I feel I cannot move without but it won't become unstuck. It is not you.

We did a job for a contractor who is now refusing to pay...in our conversation I informed him of the process here. He lives across the state line. I said "I know where you are because I make the three hour drive to Mayo every three weeks"....at which point he shouted at me "I don't care about cancer." I said " I hope every time you see a ribbon you remember how much you don't care about cancer." Thank you cancer, just one more thing to add to the pile....maybe we should just stir the mud with the stick and accept that it is not becoming unstuck....Naw I will probably post something about this to my friends on Facebook once payment is received and let others weigh in...is that bad? My husband says we should send him a little box of pink ribbons for everyday they say I have left. PEOPLE...grrrrr

VLH

It's a nuisance, but are you sending things via certified return receipt requested letter? That establishes a legal record, including serving as a document to provide the credit reporting agencies so you can dispute any collection efforts.

Lyn

VLH

It's totally wrong that the burden falls on you, but it sounds like you'll have to take extra steps to protect yourself. I know that totally stinks! :-(

Lyn

VLH

Good luck in your battle (and I remember party lines!).

Lyn

kathindc

I had a situation where my son needed an X-ray of his ankle. The insurance company denied the claim because the code for the X-ray did not match the code for the diagnosis which said it was his wrist. This went back and forth that at one point someone in the hospitals billing department told me I had to correct the coding. WHAT! Told her I didn't know the codes and they better correct it. Needless to say, it went to collection. Had a very nice young man that when I told him what had been going on and for how long he told me not to worry about it that he would take care of out. I was expecting more collection calls but he did take care of it. Never heard another word. Hope this can happen for you.

artistatheart

I had a coding issue once also. The billing place does have the ability to call the insurance company directly to get things straightened out. Another time I paid my bill on time but they applied it to the wrong bill and could not seem to trace it. Had to go through my HSA company to get the check number ect. It takes diligence but don't let it ruin your credit. Dispute it and fight it every way you can.

Lita57

Blues, let collections handle it.

How soon do you have to move to a new apartment? Hopefully it's not too soon so this mess won't upset your credit.

I'm angry at Mr. Cancer today. LOTS of bone mets pain this last week and today. It's hard to stand and walk or do much of anything. Seeing MO on Friday. Guess I'll have to bite the bullet and go in for more radiation. Sadly, oxy and Norco don't even touch the pain, and I can't take MM when I have to go do errands. Vaping doesn't help that much either, only the heavy duty edibles do, but I don't like to take them during the day because they make me too sleepy. Good for nighttime cuz they let me sleep at least 4 or 5 hrs by taking the pain from an 8 or 9 to about a 6 or 7 on the pain scale.

Prayers going out for all of us, especially those in the most pain from this shitty disease and all the se's.

Meow13

BARK BARK, all day long the dog behind our house is barking non stop. My windows are closed and I'm trying to rest but BARK BARK. Going insane, neighbors know but don't care.

Lita57

Meow, you can call the cops on them. Having the dog go outside and bark for a couple hours a day is one thing, but all day...THAT'S disturbing the peace.

Ear plugs don't always work. They muffle the sound slightly, but don't get rid of it.