STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Artista928

Meow- That's one example of many in which the call goes to voice mail. Anything official/important will come through the mail. If I don't recognise the phone number, it goes to voice mail. I've had those calls too when I had BC about services. Picked one up and that was the last time I pick up a call I don't know who it's from.

BellasMomToo

Meow, I also have BCBS. I get phone messages from a BCBS 'case manager' on my house phone. I call back, get her VM, and give her my cell # because we don't answer the house phone. She never returns my calls (to my cell #) and keeps leaving messages on my house phone. She calls once a week. Very annoying.

She started calling while I was in the middle of my chemo treatments. You would think she would have called when I started treatments. Since I already finished chemo and had surgery, I'm not sure what a 'case manager' would do for me now.

artistatheart

Micmil. I am like Shetland, stunned silence. But I gotta say "Good rant there, I love it but hate it for you. I have felt every one of those emotions and a few more". For instance how I just passed 3 milestones in my life and have not heard one word from family (except briefly from one sister.) Bought a new forever home, 30 year wedding anniversary and engaged daughter. Not a word from anyone, like a stone wall. My friends and coworkers have been far more wonderful at least. So you said it all for me.......thanks

Meow13

artista, me too. Some of family act like I don't exist since BC dx. I don't know why I am not dying and not asking anything from them. I am not a burden,thank God, atleast not yet. Some friends the same thing. Since I retired I only talk to a couple people from work all my other work friends don't respond to my emails or phone calls. I am still kind of in transition from BC and retiring.

Micmel

Artist~ I have been estranged from half of my family for over 14 years now, I am kinda used to it, but word has gotten around to them that I am sick and the phone calls and awkward silences were there. I don't what they would want from me, now that all this time has gone by. I think they have guilt because they are Dic*s! I listened to them and said that I wasn't looking to rebuild any Realtionships,. Or really rebuild the bridge that they blew up all those years ago when I was raising my kids all alone. Without my second DH I don't know where we would be. My kids and I adore him and I have gotten a wonderful step son that I am crazy about like one of my own. They chose my X over their own daughter. So I told them to go do something very nasty to themselves. I never really tried to get the relationships back. I needed unconditional family,. Like I have always provided. So now a little while. After it's official and it's getting around, I get a call from my grandmother, to whom I have also not spoken to in 14 years. She's releasing my inheritance , so I can have it while I am well enough to enjoy it. That is one call I am glad I did take. At least someone cared enough to do that for me, even though she's as nutty as a fruit cake. But honestly over all I have been treated better from people I barely know, then by people who are supposed to be family. I think that is just another word anyway. I think family is something that grows with trust and understanding, not craziness and selfish behaviors. It's funny I decided to get rid of them before in was even diagnosed,and sometimes even that doesn't bring families back together, because the damage is already done and we are all creatures of habits to som extent, and we have grown to accept it. At least I have. I do not need drama and negative people around me, especially now when every day counts more than ever! Be strong. Love who loves you. You're to special to be treated badly by anyone. Sleep well ~M~

Artista928

Actually my fam is considered very loving. They are just way overbearing know it alls who are big anxieties (to add to my own) on top. So hence they don't know except my bro who isn't like them. When I was locked up for anxiety 6 years ago, they all thought I came out feeling better and no issues therefore. They put their Dr Oz and Dr Phil hats on. I cut down seeing them after that, let alone with something like cancer which they would drive me to want to be locked up for good. So my tip is for anyone wondering whether to tell fam/friends or not, think about how they are. You can't untell them. I do fine on my own with a good friend and bro to talk to to share.

artistatheart

Ha Artista, overbearing can be just as bad I suppose. That Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz comment makes me laugh. I have a friend like that who I try very hard to not get annoyed by....I am not really sure where the problem lies with my family except that I have always been the long distance sibling so haven't been there for some family functions. One of my sisters has VERY adamant political views and we differ on that......I just don't get it. Are they just lazy? Too busy? (really?......) For 30 years my DH and I were ALWAYS the ones to travel to them. Pack up the kids, the Christmas gifts, Thanksgiving pies, Easter baskets and travel. Sometimes through very bad snowy weather. In 30 years, each of my siblings has come up to visit us maybe a handful of times at most, even though we lived in a spacious home in a beautiful vacation location. Like you micmil, I have been blessed with the most supportive, understanding, loving husband ever and a couple of very caring loyal friends, so I do feel luckier than most. I feel like I am coming to a place of acceptance about it but would still like to be enlightened. I could never do that to one of them.

Meow13

It feels so good to complain to you guys. I don't know why people react the way they do but it seems to be a common event.

Artista928

Yup. Being on my own beats potential crap I would hear from fam. They are in the dark about my stuff and will remain that way God willing. I do write them and send cards for occasions, just general stuff. I am lucky about my anxiety issues that got me locked up so they don't question why I say I don't leave my house and am on meds, which I am.

Micmel

artista~artist~and meow~. I think When something like this happens, relationships will either strengthen or they will fail. Family always seems to hold that failure title. We just get up and move along in life. The people I adore I keep close. Those i don't and saw some true colors. Boom 💥 gone! Then there are those who jump right in and bring one meal and then you never hear from them again. So you know what. I can still cook. "We are always here for you, just ask". Excuse me but did you actually just tell a cancer patient to ask for something? As if we don't have enough to think about no less asking Dic*heads for anything!!!!But like an elephant..... a cancer patient never forgets!!!!

Keeping you all close in thought and prayer ~M~

artistatheart

Oh haha micmil, no kidding. I already feel so beat down, the last thing I want to do is start asking for stuff and being perceived as a pain in the ass. All I wanted was to still be asked to go out for coffee, shopping or a movie. Maybe an occasional phone call to hear "Hey, how are you?" I still feel well enough and have that fabulous DH that I don't need much. But the emotional side is another story. To feel like siblings just don't give a rats ass after 59 years is a hard one to swallow. But swallow I have and time to move on and find the joy where I can.....

artistatheart

Oh haha micmil, no kidding. I already feel so beat down, the last thing I want to do is start asking for stuff and being perceived as a pain in the ass. All I wanted was to still be asked to go out for coffee, shopping or a movie. Maybe an occasional phone call to hear "Hey, how are you?" I quit calling them because when I did I left messages that went unanswered, had one sibling who when they asked how I was doing and I said I feel OK but was having a hard time with anxiety, said "Sorry I have to go, My girlfriend is at the door........"

I don't need much at his point. I still feel well enough and very luckily have a fabulous DH that takes very good care of me. But the emotional side is another story. To feel like siblings just don't give a rats ass after 59 years is a hard pill to swallow. I miss their company and family get togethers. I envy how they all get together with nieces and nephews and cousins as they all live in basically the same area. I am the outlier and it's just too much trouble to make the drive I guess. At this point I feel like I made the effort for all those years, and very much like you micmil, it's time to focus my time on me, my kids and my DH. Selfish? Hell ya..

Micmel

artisa~family is a strange word. I've heard of the word but not quite sure if my childhood brood fits that phrase at all. I believe family is what you create, when you're an adult, not something you're born into with no choice to agree or not. They are a waste of time honestly. I have made a new best friend out of all of this and losing those people that I was born into, have led a life filled with problems and drama. I. Chose a different path and I have a Rock solid marriage now and three kids I adore as you all know what a mothers love is like. I've come to the conclusion that I was hatched and someone grabbed the wrong egg!! Inside of us all we know we are good! Even with this dreaded cancer I have had many unexpected blessings and help. Than I ever would have not this had happened. So I take the good with the bad. I've learned. Hey if you're annoying me. Ba bye! Bless you all! It's too the point to where I have nothing else to loose so don't SCR*W with me ormy family. You didn't want anything to do with me while I was healthy. Don't go calling me now, to clear your conscience, now that you realize that you've acted like an as* for the past 14 years. Idiots ! Personally, I'd rather get all of us ladies in the same room, my bet it would not only be a blast, but we all do really have a sisterhood that no one else can ever understand. ~M~

Lita57

Too true, M. Rock on.

Meow13

Things get weird when you have cancer. Ive been telling my family that the cancer is gone don't worry. It seems to make them feel better. We really need a cure.

Micmel

Meow~ it does get weird. It's because we lost control of what we thought was our lives and our bodies. And then those decisions were no longer ours, I know it makes me so mad.! I'm gonna scan May 5th. So I'll drink the hand lotion that they give us to drink the night before and the morning of. And pray to the heavens above for stable or regressions scans. If my scans aren't good I think I'll lose another marble. I am feeling so strong and better everyday. Limited pain. I'm running again. Last week, I jogged 22.66 miles last week. So if my scans aren't good, then once again logic will not have played a part. Which will send me into a mental spiral. Like we all have had, when we sit there and know our onc is talking but all we hear is buzzing and see his lips moving, and my family is reacting, but I am too numb to comprehend what has just happened. Then life presents itself upside down! Sick of the words onc, cancer,side effects and many others Bless you all 💜~M~

Lita57

Radiation will start...AGAIN...tomorrow. Had my mapping and tattooing done this am, and then met up with my former co-workers for lunch because today is my ex-boss's 70th birthday. That's him in the picture.

Lita57

He must have a painting (like the picture of Dorian Grey) in a closet somewhere because he sure doesn't look 70 to me!

Artista928

So what ready made meals can you eat from Trader Joes??

I love their ready made stuff, frozen stuff and pasta sauces. Really am digging their meatless meatballs with their marinara sauce. Ate a few bags until it just hit me now to look at the bag and the jar, and both contain soy. Ah! I have 2 bags left and 1 jar left. I'll probably finish them and stop. Seems it's debatable as to whether dietary soy truly increases the risk of recurrence or not. Anyone here not a rigid label reader?

When I was first dx'd I was a label reader. Now I don't. Food is my only vice as I live alone and it seems like everything may cause cancer! Ah!

Meow13

I hope they find their kitty.

Micmel

Lita~ very nice photo to share! You look happy and very nice! It's always nice to put a face to a name. I can't wait till your pain is relieved. I keep you close in prayer. All of you! 70 is the new 60 apparently huh? Rest well ladies ~M~

artistatheart

Dang, he does look good for 70! Nice pic of you Lita, I am saying "Cheers" to 80% reduction in your pain or more! Things get VERY weird Meow. Thank God for my DH and kids.....Yes micmil, I think it's the up and down see saw that makes the marbles roll.

MeToo14

So I am grateful to continue to be NED (knock on wood), but I had to make a lot of considerable sacrifices to be here. I was married for only 10 months when I was diagnosed and we had planned on having children. Now that is not an option and while I console myself with knowing that I am doing everything I can to keep from having a recurrence, It saddens me. I wish I could have children. It is so hard for me when I hear someone else say they are pregnant. I am not happy for them, it only reminds me that that will never be me. I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't help it. I know I am so selfish for it but that's where I am. They have done nothing wrong and resent them. I hope with more time these shameful feelings of mine go away.

Fotheringay

Meetoo, don't feel guilty for normal thoughts. Anger is a big side-effect of what we go through. You lost something big. You aren't selfish; you are mourning and angry. I imagine your resentment toward other people with subside over time. I hope you find some peace over time. There will always be children out there who need homes. That doesn't help you now, I know. I hope you find your path and find peace.

Carrie

artistatheart

Yes what Carrie says! That is such a huge loss in life for someone who always wanted children. I'm so sorry...Don't feel guilty or selfish. I too think that over time you will find a way to nurture some children whether they are adopted, foster or otherwise.

Micmel

metoo~ I am sending hugs and prayer that you will find your path and somewhere a child will cross your path and you will find the answers you're seeking. I am 46 soon to be 47 and I do have two children. But I think the scariest thought for me is the thought of leaving them behind. Their father Is useless and I am the only parent that stuck around to raise them from the day they were born. He was here in person for many years but just was a boy trapped in a mans body. I needed a man. What I am trying to say is. When I was diagnosed the first thing that paralyzed me with fear was the thought of having to miss them getting married And having kids. Or leaving my DH. I don't want to miss any of that. That is my worst fear, You are allowed to feel however you feel when it comes to something that personal. Don't feel guilty for being human and having the god given desire to be maternal. You are a strong beautiful woman and I believe somewhere along the way you will get the answers you desperately need. I will keep you close in prayer. ~M~

HoneyBeaw

metoo. Please do not give up hope. My daughter was in same situations, not from BC but other issues They made it well known to everyone they wanted to adopt. Signed up with several adoption agency. ONE Day out of the blueA friend that worked for a dr office had a lady that wanted to give her child up. Several email , meetings and very nervious weeks, We welcomed a beautiful little boy into our lives. I can not tell you the love this child has brought into our lives and I only pray that he knows how much he is loved .

MeToo14

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I have many children in my life that I love very much, I just wish I had one of my own. Adoption is always an option however, it's a long process and some places will disqualify you if you had cancer in the past. I quess I am just mad at myself for letting it get to me.

Micmel

metoo~ I get mad at myself everyday wondering what I did to have this happen. What did I eat? ,. Did I do something to deserve This karma? You are precious, and precious people get what they want. I believe that there will be a child in your future. Cancer just has a way of messing things up for our plans. Tell everyone you know,contact churches in your local area, sometimes congregations have young teenagers that unfortunately have gotten pregnant and they are always looking for a good home. Look up all information on surrogates. Don't ever give up! You have that love to give a child, and I am going to keep praying you will. Because I strongly believe you will ~M~

Lita57

So yesterday, between church services, the ladies put out a lovely breakfast spread. All I had was a hot cross bun, a spoonful of egg casserole and a little piece of spice cake with most of the frosting scraped off. I had to get up early, and I didn't have time to eat even a snack b4 leaving because I had to get up and give my testimony during the service.

One old man, who was sitting at the table eating with DH and me sarcastically said, "You sure have a big appetite given what you're going thru."

WHAT?

I'll say it again: WHAT?

Who made YOU the food police, you old f..k?!

All I had fit on a small appetizer plate with plenty of room for more. Gees, old geezer acted like I ate the whole damn casserole. I politely said, "I'm in between chemo cycles, but I have abdominal radiation tomorrow, so I need to eat when I can."

Maybe I should have called the old f..k up and invited him over to my house to watch me dry heave after I came back from Rx this morning. And that's AFTER I took Zofran to help minimize the nausea. It was brutal this morning. After the worst of it, I'm now nibbling soda crackers and slowly sipping ginger ale so they will stay down.

I was furious at that old man yesterday, but even more so today. PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE GO THRU WITH THIS MISERABLE DISEASE. Rather than criticize me for the 3 things on my little plate, he should have been more encouraging.

That's my rant for the day.