STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

coachvicky

I am convinced that these people who drop out of our lives have ZERO or near to it emotional intelligence (EQ). That is not an excuse. I just wonder why I didn't realize how toxic they were to me before I had cancer?

I think any decent human being should have enough EQ to say "I am sorry."

I think I am better off without these people. I will NEVER let them let them back in my life. Never.

Coach Vicky

Micmel

I am with you all. My big sister and my father and one brother have basically dis owned me before I even got sick. Now all of a sudden they are on my phone crying and wanting to sit with me and hold my hand ????? Uh no! My hand wasn't good enough for you when I wasn't sick. Why is it any different now.? I will tell you what's different now. I have cancer and I Am sick of taking people's shit. Lol at referring to thee box of shit. Just leave me alone. I already know how good you are at that. Now that my birthday is coming this week, I am not even answering the phone. Go away. Cancer and those fare weather idiots! I also will never allow them into my life again either. The real people who love me unconditionally, the way I have loved will be with me until I limp up next to you at the end. god bless you all. Hugs ~M~

coachvicky

To be clear ... I can forgive these people (the droppers) but I won't forget.

I am also the same with medical professionals. We fired my first primary care. She didn't want me to have a breast MRI because I was "cutting them off anyway." (Really? Who says this to a person? Who says this to a woman about to amputate her breasts?)

Thankfully I got the breast MRI. There lurking in the prophylactic breast was a 4cm lobular carcinoma.

Coach Vicky

runor

I am trying to become Zen. I am trying to not react to others like I used to. I am trying to see their way of being as their journey and not get my knickers in a knot over their bad behaviour. I am trying not to judge 'bad' for anyone except myself. I am studying Buddhism as a way to get through this cancer crap. But I SERIOULSY suck at it!

I can see where it's not good to hold onto the anger (my favorite pastime, anger hoarding) , so someone you thought was your friend wasn't. Let it go. HOWEVER, cancer changes and sharpens focus in so many ways. It galvanizes and clarifies. It frightens and compels. And once a person comes through this conveyor belt of craziness and if you are still standing on the other side, while you may forgive those failed friends, there is no way to go forward in a new way and drag that dead wood along with you ever again!

I have a friend who upon hearing that I was being investigated for cancer, tried to sell me the latest cure-all product she has jumped on. She is a multi level marketing cultist who believes that she is going to live a life of fabulous wealth with the latest craze that she has signed on to sell. Rubber stamps, make-up, coffee, and now vitamins. And when I told her I might have cancer and she said she'd give me a good deal on whatever she was getting rich on...yeah, no thanks, buh-bye.

THe other side of this coin is friends who I thank the gods for. They know that I am an introvert and having people in my house cleaning it for me, stresses the hell out of me. I will be half dead and I will STILL push a vacuum over the floor, even if I have to hold it in my teeth. So they offer and then know darn well that, for now, I say no. But they all say, "If you change your mind later..." God bless them. They also know that I hate to cook even when I'm firing on all rockets, so without even asking, food arrived. Boxes and bags of frozen meals. Now THAT is a lottery I am happy to win! They even know that in my dark moments I can't bear the thought of visiting with anyone, so they set food on the porch, knock on the door and leave without even seeing me. (most times I do manage to act like a human). My favorite is when Hub and I go to town, come home to find that someone has let themselves in the house and left a bunch of baking on the table. The criminal act of Bake and Enter!

I agree with you Coach Vicky, the words, "I am sorry" are available to everyone and should be taught as a gracious act of social convention in this society. I really have to find my Zen so I can move forward with bravery and an unburdened heart into whatever life is going to present me ... not burdened with disappointment, pain and ties that keep me connected to people I need to let go of.

In the meantime, until I achieve enlightenment, I still rant and bitch.

Micmel

runor~ that was a very enjoyable read. Thank you and I agree and even chuckled at your analogies. God bless you honey. All those words you spoke are so true. ~M~

YATCOMW

Runor.....I have never read such a wonderful well written post.....love it.....feel ya.

Jacqueline

Meow13

I get an insensitivity award. My Mom called worried she might have shingles. I asked she said no rash but my skin feels almost sunburn. What do you think I should do? I told her I don't know I guess you could call the doctor? But it is Saturday night. Do we run down to urgent care? I said I am sorry I don't have any advice. She hung up on me. Ugh. Everything is a major issue with her health in her eyes. So my husband drove over with some calomin lotion. He said her back looks fine. What would she be like if she had breast cancer, HELLO.

Artista928

I hear ya meow though not with my mom since she doesn't know but friends. OMG I have a terrible cough and am on abx. Well let me tell you about abx. I'm the master with it since my radiated side likes to become infected from time to time. I have to hold my tongue when someone acts like it's a medical catastrophy when they know what I've been through not just with bc but the several complications I had, and I did it alone. Get a grip folks. Ugh.

Lita57

And then there are folks like us with Stage 4....with mets in our bones, muscles, and organs....

Some of us can't even walk without a walker or cane anymore.

Some of us have to drain liver ascites from our swollen abdomens every day.

Some of us have brain mets and can no longer spell, let alone type; we're losing our eyesight and our hearing and our balance.

Some of us have side effects from chemo and rads that will never dissipate because we'll be on some form of treatment until we enter hospice....then we'll have to deal with SE's from the palliative care.

Some of us will even die this year.

MEOW, people like your mom don't have a damn clue. I've never had shingles, and I hope I never get it because it's probably no day at the beach, but at least shingles won't kill me in a matter of months like Stage 4 Cancer.

Micmel

I have to agree with the medical issues. My mother is also ill. She has a bad case of cellulitis in both legs and I have to admit after speaking with the home nurse (I live in pa she lives in Mississippi) she said it's pretty bad showing signs of sepsis, and needs to go to the hospital again after just coming home six weeks the first go round. But when we talk she crys and says she doesn't want to live like this. I get annoyed ,the pain for us is unforgiving and relentless so had to snap her out of it and say hey. You're not alone here I'm pretty damn sick as well. She's an awful patient and I am feeling very much like the mother here. She should have had something done about this problem instead of sitting in her pile of wooezeme whining everyday. I would give anything to have something that would go away if I do what the doctors say. Instead I, we can do nothing but fight. If we cry to loudly or scream to much , then we are negative and a downer.?? Excuse me!!? Take a look in the mirror here please. You're 75 years old and are acting like a baby. I am freaking turning 47 on Thursday and I have nothing but a long painful battle ahead for years. If I'm even lucky! She saw her grandchildren. She knows her kids got married and got to see all that. I am not so sure if I'll be that lucky. So mom. Just shut up. I'm sorry if I sound cold too. It's just enough. Hugs of strength!

Big hug for Lita. I wish there were no pain for us to suffer through. You're an inspiration Lita, you may not see it, but you are. 💜Color of hope ~M~

Lita57

Bosom and Micmel, you are inspirations, too. Don't ever forget that!

runor

BosumBlues:

I understand what you are saying. Too much time looking at cancer info, even GOOD cancer information can have an overall demoralizing effect. It is best taken in small doses, on days when you feel up to the challenge.

Because I am very demonstrative and passionate and verbose , this rant and rave topic is great for me, and great in unburdening some inner steam.

However, I say with some caution because I know it will not be popular (but is this a popularity contest? Are we all here to see the world the same way? No) I have had to get a perspective that my cancer is MY event and not a stick to beat others with. While I agree with the other posters that some people can be grossly insensitive, cancer sufferers are not immune to also being insensitive. We can become very narrowly focused. At times, this is absolutely necessary for survival and in those times we should draw the curtains and make our time about US!

I think listening to people, hearing them, is an act of love. Listening is love. Not solving, not talking someone out of their feelings, just hearing them. Suffering comes to us all in different shapes and sizes, in different ways at different times. I was hurt when a friend told me about an upsetting event in her life and then followed it with "But considering your situation I guess I don't have anything to complain about." I thought, if that's true, if she has to measure her life against mine, that kind of makes me a jerk, doesn't it?

Just because MY life is sucking right now does not mean that anyone has to pretend that their life isn't also sucking in different ways. They do not have to compare their life problems to my CANCER and think," oh, gee, cancer trumps everything. Runor has all the suffering cards so I better just fold my hand and admit defeat. " If my reaction to everyone else's problems is that I think they are insignificant compared to mine, then I am every bit as insensitive as the person who goes on about their bad haircut while I'm waiting for a chemo appointment.

Yes, there are situations in which other people should probably shut the hell up, especially if they make their minor issues out to be major problems. Or if they can't tell when you are not up to hearing their whining, because sometimes the energy is just not there. But it is also true that other people still suffer, and are allowed to, and should be able to tell me about it without making this a suffering contest. Because that makes me feel like a shitty friend. Plus it will erode and alienate friends if suddenly all our conversations become all about me. If they feel that suddenly their lives are cast in the light of Those Who Do Not Have Cancer Can't Complain things will sour quickly. Life stinks sometimes in many ways. Not just this cancer crap way. I still want to hear about the lives my friends live, regardless of who has the bigger problem.

Artista928

Well said runor. I try to remember that it isn't a who has a worse life event than me but sometimes it's hard when someone just goes on and on about something that we all get, and recover from, when you are having a bad day yourself.

Lita57

Absolutely well said rumor. Life is not a contest as to who suffers the most.

Someone going thru a divorce suffers major shit.

Someone losing a job they absolutely loved goes thru major hell, too.

And let's not even talk about losing a child.

We're all here to support each other.

Meow13

Well, I come to this forum to rant because I can get it out. My mother is doing better today, I am glad I don't say anything to her. She is so lucky to be 82 without any major health concerns, she should stop worrying about every ache and pain. People who don't live with cancer don't know how lucky they are.

Micmel

I agree this rooms heading speaks it all., this is the place i come to let it go, because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings when sometimes all I need is a little place like this to scream in and let loose. Let's face it people can be clueless. Yes there are many types of problems and pain, wether it's physical, emotional, or mental they are all illnesses that have great hurdles to wake up to in the morning. This room is meant to give us that place and release, that maybe we can't let loose at our homes, because we know that the people who care for us are good and we know that there's no way they or anyone who isn't going through it could truly understand and I would never want them to experience this sadness and if I'm honest terror. Stage four is scary shit. Stage two is scary as shit to the person going through it, but I am the one who had been told stats that maybe I'm allowed to not like. I may at some point get over my diagnosis, or accept it even, but I am not there yet and I am allowed to feel that way, and I'm not afraid to say that someone who is suffering with bone mets and mets scattered all over their bodies are good people that doesn't deserve what is happening to them either. I'm allowed to feel things at any moment, and coming here helps me be a better person so I don't go ahead and actually tell people to shut up. People who have cancer all over their bodies feel unexplainable pain that never goes away and it gets to your mind and the way you can or cannot tolerate outside environments, or personal interferences, Walking to get the mail can cause serious pain. Saying one thing here to vent and treating someone like the anger we feel are Completely different. This is the room to let loose and tell it like it is. And let's also remember that everyones situation is different and we don't know how that specific person is really being treated overall by friends, DH, or anyone else that maybe is not really accepting what has happened either. Maybe they aren't acting the same before the diagnosis? Maybe the communication skills in both parties are lacking? . I would much rather come here to scream for ten minutes, than say something that could potentially ruin a relationship, that is obviously being tested by this awful thing called cancer or any illness that has the possibility of ending someone's life, I think some of the rules and expectations of how I should do things or act, have become a thing of the past. Cancer has changed me and changed my life. No one is going to say the perfect thing every time. That's impossible , but I will read these posts and I feel inside sorrow and understand that at that moment, most likely what brought you here to let it out, may just have happened to me last week and I understand, even If i feel I do not understand, it's not my place to offer up the way someone else should or should not be feeling, I am here to listen and offer support and words of encouragement, not to tisk my finger and say anything, other than I'm sorry that something that bothers you that much brought you here. Like planet fitness this is the no judgment zone to me. I'd rather yell here, and get it out, then cry again later because I said something I cannot take back. Of course we realize it's not all about us, because in reality a least for me, those are the very people we are fighting to stay alive to love or live life with because we do love them. , just not always what they say and how they may have acted. It is clearly not easy and clearly very scary for everyone involved. I just need to say thank you all for sharing and listening. Without you, I again would be speaking and venting to myself. Hugs strong ladies. Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no big blue print on how to navigate cancer with emotions and feelings on top of disfigurement and loss of viability and lust for life and constant pain. I can see why people would break down over and over again. ~M~

Smilingwifey40

Well, I'm glad I discovered this venting spot! I'm so sick of my in laws and I'm sure it won't get better. They're used to my husband doing things for them. We've helped with bills, babysat, taken people on family vacations with us, hosted the holiday dinners, let two members live with us four years ago and we tried to make regular visits to their homes. But now in this great time of need what are they doing? Well, I get dumb texts and phone calls telling me they're praying for a miracle. Really?! I bet you are, so dh and I can get back to caring for your needs and wants!

None of them come by or bring a meal or pick up our boys for the day. No cards or flowers from them after my surgery. Even my kids' school sent us a card! My siblings and two neighbors gave flowers. A former co-worker found out what was going on from my dh's brother. They called, had very kind words and have dropped off a meal since. And what of my BIL? He sees them at work and asks them how did I seem to be doing! My dh's cousin asked if we needed anything but never responded when I said yes help with household chores or cooking.

My husband has been handling it all with help from two friends of ours and two siblings of mine. This past week I've ignored his family's calls and texts. You selfish dumb rocks!!! That's what I feel like saying to my husband's family. No, let me be real.... The last word wouldn't be rocks! Thank you for letting me get that off of my now flat chest!

Micmel

Smiling~ you're not alone. Some people are either selfish or very uncomfortabley clueless. I am going through some issues with my own children. I know they are in denial about what's going on because my onc says how well I'm doing. Yeah I'm doing well., we all do well, but we need freaking help, battling cancer is really hard work and the endless fatigue means we never get relief or a break. I think people chose to see us the way we used to be, because no one really adapts always to change successfully. I have back mets and boy do they fuc*ing hurt like hell. So there I am, today all alone. Weeding the side of the house alone. The weeds were almost as tall as I am , and I am 5.9 (unless cancer took that too) thistle weeds, those mother effin strong weeds that look like little trees. There I am pulling those bitches all alone. Son did mow the lawn. But was gone with the wind after and failed miserably at weed whacking!!! I asked my daughter to help me yesterday, but it was period day god forbid she move too much. Here I am with one lung, no real functional arms, lymphedema in one arm, thoracic outlet syndrome in the other, bone mets in several places in my pelvis primarily,one boob,joint pain ,back ache to stop a train. But I did it. Alone with no help. I'm realizing that even those closest to us can be CLUELESS, and I even went as far as to ask for help!!! Crickets......with DH out of town for our sons Eagle Scout I wanted it to be done when he got home,so he didn't go out to do it , he does so much and never complains. I forced myself to do it, when I was done I felt good for myself,but resentful that no one seems to give a shit that I am sick as hell. Things don't stop needing to be done, that is also on top of cleaning a bathroom , grocery shopping,carrying all those weeds to the trash can alone, two loads of laundry.. while every one else is out having a blast. It just plain sucks that people expect us to be the same as we were, but we Cant find that person anymore. Some of my real family disowned me a long time ago because I got divorced, then they try to crawl back to cleanse their souls. Yeah no! You guys were pricks. I'm done with you, I know my kids are still youngish, But I have to make sure they get it, while i am still here. Not when i am gone. ~M~

runor

Micmel, I have such trouble with the word fatigue. Fatigue. It sounds so Elizabethan and genteel, like one might faint, ever so slowly and delicately, over a floral print sofa and fan one's face with a lace edged handkerchief. I think fatigue is utterly wrong. I think what you and all cancer patients suffer is so much beyond fatigue! And yet that STUPID word keeps appearing in cancer literature. It's more like bone breaking, soul sucking, body busting, gut gripping, death defying EXHAUSTION. The kind that makes work horses keel over dead while attached to a plow. I think it is so unfair that the word 'fatigue' was ever associated with the life draining, energy sucking event that cancer treatment is. (not saying you invented the word, just what you describe is so much beyond mere fatigue!)

runor

Micmel, I have such trouble with the word fatigue. Fatigue. It sounds so Elizabethan and genteel, like one might faint, ever so slowly and delicately, over a floral print sofa and fan one's face with a lace edged handkerchief. I think fatigue is utterly wrong. I think what you and all cancer patients suffer is so much beyond fatigue! And yet that STUPID word keeps appearing in cancer literature. It's more like bone breaking, soul sucking, body busting, gut gripping, death defying EXHAUSTION. The kind that makes work horses keel over dead while attached to a plow. I think it is so unfair that the word 'fatigue' was ever associated with the life draining, energy sucking event that cancer treatment is. (not saying you invented the word, just what you describe is so much beyond mere fatigue!)

Micmel

run~ let's create a new word. lol I am open for options. It sucks ass there is no other way to describe it. Scanxiety was adopted for scans. Now to ponder a new word for fatigue. But you are 100% correct and I have to say I even laughed at your analogy of the fainting ever so gently lol. That is in no way us huh? LOL. I can guarantee you that is no way us. Good grief. Far from it, and yes I agree with all of those phrases you mentioned to describe the evil that cancer is. You explain your thoughts quite well lol. Hang in there. We have no choice!! ~M~

coachvicky

I thought I knew what fatigue was until I had it and needed an iron infusion. People just don't know what fatigue really is until it hits them. I told my MO for months how I felt but until my labs hit rock bottom, he just listenefd and said being tired goes with chemo. I wasn't feckin' tired ... I am fatigued. It was't chemo brain, it is fatigue. It isn't anxiety, it is fatigue.

Oh ... And please do not tell me "you've done so well." I hate hearing that.

I hate hearing how great my hair looks. I don't like the way I look. I don't even know who that grey haired women in the mirror is.

Sometime I'd jus trike to look at people who say these things that piss me off and say "F off A-hole."

I feel better. Thank you.

Coach Vicky

Micmel

Vicky~ I feel all the same things you just mentioned, right down to the mirror. I understand the way your heart feels when you realize in that mirror it's you staring back. I am with you in that mirror,you're not alone. I hate how I am now. A road map for a front and an ass that keeps getting bigger, oh my onc says that's good. That means your body is fighting this. Uh doc no! It means cancer I swear is making me fat. Which I was always told was un healthy, so now it's ok? I was never fat. Was never out of shape. I'm disgusted!! I want my breast back, I want my long beautiful hair back and I want my liver scar to go away, I never realized how happy I was with who I was before. Like I've always said. Why do we have to live life forward , but we can only learn backwards. It makes no sense. I was like a tank, solid muscle, no fat , toned and athletic. Ran over 30 miles a week. Now I fight to jog a half hour, and in between I have to wog. (Mix between jog and walk) after that I have to escape to my bed for an hour to sweat like a hog, then my feet hurt from the neuropathy,a parting gift from the heavy chemo, that almost felt like it killed me anyway. I also hate the comments you got this and look at your hair!!! I actually had someone say to me ohhhhh....why did you cut your hair??? Excuse me what? You know I had cancer., why the fuc* would you ever ever say that to me ? No wonder I don't like to go out of the house. I'm embarrassed. I can't wear normal clothing yet, I need to find something to house this foob. And I can't wear normal sandals. My feet hurt way to much without adequate support. None of my old clothes fit and i refuse to buy new ones because then I'm accepting who I've become. If it wasn't for my family, I would have thrown in the towel on the horrible day of diagnosis. When I went from stage two, to stage four in two weeks. Do not pass go! Do not keep your hair, do not keep what makes you a woman. Although my stage four was crazy and I was lucky to have my stage reset to stage IIIa. I am stage four and we all know it Doc. The cancer spread and I know what that means. It means my life sucks ass now. It means that part of me has already died. Isn't that what you're really saying DOC??? ~M~

coachvicky

Micmel

You gave me a great gift with what you wrote inyour reply. I feel almost normal when I read your reply and not like I am ungrateful or crazy.

I have learned not to bitch so much at myself after having cancer. I hear people complain about stuff and I think if your only knew ... If you only knew.

Yes, people make shi**y comments. The day of my breasts amupations (Yes, that it what happened!) this radiologist that put the dye for my lymph testing around my soon to be gone precious nipples smiled afterwards and wished me good day. The nurses and I just looked at each other Like "what a bitch."

C Vicky

Micmel

you're most certainly not alone at all. There are many of us here. That's why this is agreat place for support and to let it all out. Hugs ~M~

runor

Micmel, your post made my heart hurt and made me realize that as much as I wish to god I had something, anything, to say to help you, I've got nothing. In the face of this cancer crap, what might very well be a life ending event. what DO you say to someone? Tears came into my eyes and the keyboard got blurry because I know you're mad, know WHY you're mad and know that, just as you say, so many people DO NOT GET IT.

Since being diagnosed there have been so many horrible feelings to deal with. Terror and crippling grief among them. Soon I can add crushing physical symptoms too. And while we might not be alone in our houses while we go through this, we are very much alone in our heads.

I tried to explain to Hub that terrifying feeling of separation that occurred when I first heard. I used to think of myself as part of the human race, same as everyone else. And then it's like a wave swept in and sucked me off my happy little beach, off my spot on the sand, leaving behind my book and suntan lotion and friends. They are all back there basking in the heat, relaxing, drinking. And me? I have been sucked way out to sea. I am screaming and flailing, but no one can hear me. Now and then people glance my way but they don't seem able to save me. There are others flailing around me and they KNOW my terror and SHARE my panic, but none of them can save me either. Some of us will make it to shore. Some of us won't. But we all know something that we didn't before : That happy little life on the beach is happy because it is ignorant. Those people think they are safe. They do not have to be aware of that big ,sucking wave. They think it will never happen to them. NEWS FLASH! It can happen to us all.

And if we DO make it back to shore, for a long time or short time, we will NEVER sit there on the beach relaxed and unaware. Oh, that happy delusion has been ripped from us forever. We KNOW. We may do our best to be a beach person again, but we will ALWAYS have our eye on that ocean where that wave roared in and tried to drown us. And we will look out knowing that the water is FULL of people fighting to keep their heads above while most of the beachers don't even see them. But we see them. We know the feeling. We have been the drowning. And there is nothing we can do to help but see. We can observe, witness, respect and acknowledge that terror and agony and crushing, crushing sadness. The most we can offer to anyone else going through this is to tell them they are not invisible. Yet it's so not enough. I am surrounded by people who care, yet care does not change the physical situation. I no longer feel part of the human race. I feel set aside, separated, removed, isolated and alone.

Micmel, those to whom it has never happened, will never get it. They can't. They just can't. It's a foreign language to them. So when they do try to speak, often they say the wrong thing.

Micmel

I realize no one is perfect and no one knows what to say that could even come close to making me or us feel safe again. I live on edge, there is no peace, the rug has been pulled out from under us all. It's just plain scary. I realize that people have accidents everyday and never come home. The horror that is, it happened To my neighbor, boom husband gone, one son Who was 4, and 6 months pregnant and he just doesn't come home again. I can say that most people Do not know about their death and never see it coming. I don't know which is worse honestly. Because I am afraid I do see it coming, or should I say I know how. I love my DH more then I have ever known possible to whole heartedly love someone unselfishness beyond imagination. Complete one sweet fairy tale love. Of course the only thing that could ever come near our love was death. And now look..... for quite sometime I felt this horrible feeling inside that something bad was going to happen. Deep inside I knew something was a foot, but I didn't know what it was , or who it would deal with. It was me. It was my subconscious knowing or sensing something was coming. It felt like a feeling of fear that I couldn't shake and I had no real reason to feel that way. I was running daily 6 miles or more weight lifting free weights. The best shape of my life. Then, bring In your analogy of the beach scene with everything of yours being left behind. I know that terror. I feel it with every other emotion. I also know that for now the medicine is working and I have to hold onto my sweet husband, and family like hell and never let go. I have never hurt anyone or been a bad person. Never smoked or drank even,no drugs. Wasn't my thing. And look at me now. And unrecognizable shadow of what I used to be. Such pain,aches exhaustion, they do not call it a battle for nothing, I prefer a war!!But as I look next to me, there is my precious DH, giving me the same looks and smiles and still tries to trip me as I walk by. I don't know how I could be so blessed and so cursed at the same time. To have this awful disease, but to know i am deeply loved as I am loving him. He is my world , my love my life. And just in spite of that. I am never giving up ever. I am swimming back to shore. And you are coming with me !!!! Hugs ~M~

thereisnodespair

B"H

Have been following this thread for quite a while... I can honestly say that though we have never met - I love you all deeply and am holding your hands through all this because the heart breaks...

I have also been traumitized since my DX by friends just not being there for me... and totally frustrated because they actually believe they have been there for me which is mostly a "joke"... and this suggestion that they just dont get it - I keep thinking, all they have to do is go online and read in any of many sites what a BC patient goes through and how they feel... then even if they can't feel it deeply they would have an idea of what not to say and understand how much support and smiles we need...

But today something happened - I was by the entrance to the Oncology Building at the hospital, and someone passed by whom I know from my neighborhood and community... we aren't friends, but we know eachother... and he stopped in his tracks and said "What are you doing here?".... if anyone else would have asked that I don't know what I would have done, but I do know he has two daughters in their young twenties who have both been DX with BC, and I saw the look on his face... saw the concern, the sadness in his eyes as he said "You too?"....

and it finally really hit me, what runor says here: Micmel, those to whom it has never happened, will never get it. They can't. They just can't. It's a foreign language to them...

i finally realized when I saw that man's eyes, that truly only one who has been through this can have a true understanding and sense of empathy ... that I must put away my anger and frustration, because my friends and family really can't "get it"... and I guess too, that it is true that once they hear treatment is over they "decide" eveything is "back to normal" because out of their caring they really want to believe that is true...

For us there really is no "back to normal" no matter the details of the DX, but we can try to focus on what good we can take from all this... and to appreciate with great intensity the love we receive from those who go beyond themselves to give with a FULL heart even if they haven't been through it themselves, to see US and not their own needs ...

I am certainly not belittling anyone's anger\hurt\frustration, this is really a hard road to travel and it is amazing how insensitive and selfish people can be... one of the things that really crushed me, was that even a very close friend who had had BC more or less disappeared on me... but still... I just wanted to put out here what happened to me today, to say I am hoping that I can rid myself of a lot of anger that is not helping me in any way and make room in my life and heart for things positive and loving....

Smilingwifey40

Hello ladies. This isn't angry venting but some feelings of sadness. I feel like I'm writing to my sisters. I can say what I want and you understand it. It' s a family. I don't know if that's weird but that's how I feel. I'm sending a hug to anyone reading.

I talk to my mom a lot but I feel guilty sharing my anxieties with her. She's stage IV and although our breast cancer and treatments are different, we understand each other. Mine is triple negative, mom's cancer is ER+/PR+/HER2-. It saddens me that she calls and asks what could she do for me. She wants to keep giving and caring for her children.

She's 76, widowed and already lost a daughter, my oldest sister, to bc 20 years ago. But she means it when she says, "I'll do whatever I can for you!" I'm so happy I was with her for most of her appointments and treatment this past year. Before this year, I was one of the only siblings who lived near mom. We saw each other a lot! Now I'm too tired to drive the two hours down each week as before. And mom's too tired to ride in a car with anyone more than 20-30 minutes.

Her pain and exhaustion keeps her at home. I miss seeing her more. But we talk daily. Now I'm so busy with my own battle I'm hoping it doesn't get her too stressed. I know how much I love my boys so I can imagine her wanting to somehow fix it all for me. I'm sure it's hurting her to know another child of hers is fighting this disease. I try to hold back but she can tell when I am. A mom knows, huh? It does feel good that we can relate and listen to each other. I just hate it for her.

Lita57

What really has cut me to the bone is the fact that two women at my church who have dealt with lymphoma and are "no longer in treatment," have pretty much SHUNNED ME because I have Stage 4 metastatic. No phone calls, no cards...heck i dont expect any of that, but to see me standing there during coffe hour and literally turn and walk away?

WTF? You'd think they of all people would "get" it, but I guess I'm a walking reminder that there sh#$ could come back any day, and they could become me...standing on death row, fighting growing metastases.

And my cancer is progressing. I have no one but you dear ladies to get me thru this. This WILL KILL ME, or some other opportunistic infection because my blood counts plummet on cycle weeks. I've tried to reframe my active "dying" as "transitioning home to eternity," but that's not going to make my family feel any better when I'm gone.

How I hate this.