STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Fotheringay

Thanks everyone for the support. Y'all helped me hang on until I could see my psychologist today. He helped me to work out a plan of sorts.

At my job meeting tomorrow, I'm just going to say, "I'm going to be really sick in a couple of weeks. I need YOU (emphasis mine) to tell me what the essential duties of my position are."

When I get their list, I decide. It will tell me if they are going to be unreasonable, or if they want to work with me. If it's not going to manageable, if they haven't cut a huge chunk out of what I'm doing day to day, I'm taking STD. My mind has compelled me to stay at this job for financial reasons, but my emotions and body have punched back in rebellion. They will lay me off in a week or two. But I will be better off, ultimately. Living with too much work stress and what ended up to be pure ANGER can't help me heal. I recalled that I always figure something out. I will take a break, go to yoga classes (free, through the hospital service), stretch, sleep, and try to eat right. I will be better off somewhere else where my hard work is appreciated!

Carrie

Fotheringay

BosumBlues, that is just incomprehensible. I wish you could have met with an attorney at the time, and sued the pants off of the hospital and gotten that tyrant FIRED. I'm sorry you went through that at such a trying time. It's traumatizing enough to have BC, much less have a superior thwart your efforts to get treatment AND threaten to fire you!

Carrie

Fotheringay

Pammac47, I'm fortunate to be able to see a psychologist (gratis!) weekly through the hospital, who works only with cancer patients. When I first started seeing him, I was mostly flipping out at the weekly diagnosis changes and the waiting for test results torture. Now he's helping me to wade through the mess of emotions I'm feeling, and trying to figure out what I really NEED to do, stepping out of my logical mind which says to stay at the job at all costs for practical reasons. This is one time when I REALLY wished I had a daddy or husband or someone to help me figure out what the hell to do. It sucks being an adult!

Carrie

Lita57

Carrie, I don't know what CT laws regarding illness are, but in California, you can't lay someone off (fire) them because of catastrophic illness, especially if they file for state disability. They are protected by law. I worked in payroll for over 20 years.

A lot of people think CA is too "pro-worker" but these laws are in place to protect employees from wrongful descrimination and termination. When they come back from disability, they may not have their same exact job, but they will still have some sort of comparable job with comparable pay. Now this may not help you at all, given you live in another state, but this is what I know. We had an employee who broke both his feet, wasn't workers comp related, it was a personal accident, and we had to hold his job for him for over a year thru surgeries and physical rehabilitation. Years prior, another employee had sarcoma, and we held his job, too.

Can you get some legal advice out there? In CA, we can go to the state dept of employment and get legal help, but that can take weeks. Hope this helps...

Lita

Lita57

Carrie, forgot to add that you should do an end run and file for disability b4 they have a chance to lay you off. If they do try to pull some shiz, make a list of EVERYTHING YOU DO, so they can't say they are letting you go on account of lack of work. If you had any dings or negative performance reviews, that's a different story, but I assume you haven't.

Most states will now let you file online to expedite the process. You will get a confirmation number. Guard that # with your life as proof of your filing date. Time is of the essence. Most sites will let you on 24/7 to get the ball rolling. Once again, don't know if this will help since you're in CT, but that's what I would do.

Disability usually pays more than unemployment, and you can usually go out for a year, depending on how many years you've worked.

Jumpship

So sorry to hear about the workplace. Some people really just don't get it!

I remember listening to a podcast from cancercare and they had "free" legal help regarding workplace accomodations. Maybe you can find them on the web?

pajim

Bless my employers, bless my employers, bless my boss. . .

Fotheringay, I'm SO sorry. How can they keep employees if they're not willing to support them? Tell them you need their support.

Janett2014

My boss was very difficult in MANY ways, but I have to say that she went above and beyond when I told her of my cancer diagnosis. She did the same for others before me who had cancer. It stumped us all, but it was nice to know that she COULD be nice.

Penzance

Issues with employer too. I have been clinging on to my job since dx (Christmas 2014). Employer refused to let me have treatment 'or any other tests', telling me that 'cancer is a breach of contract', 'if you want to have cancer you have to resign' etc The day when I told him, I was scheduled to see the anesthesist, lumpectomy the next day, radiation and possibly more starting one month later (if the surgeon had got clear margins the first time round which I doubt). I had asked the hospital to postpone by 2 weeks, as I just couldn't call work to say 'I am going to be off sick for 1 year'. His reaction was 'You can't have treatment, you must give me 6 months' notice'. He meant 'resign', it didn't even occur to me at the time.

He insisted I tell everybody in the company about the diagnosis and I have been experiencing severe bullying from most people since then. For example, constant jokes about people dying, or criticism of people who claim they are too ill to work to get benefits as in 'if you claim you have cancer but you are not dead within a year, you didn't have cancer, you were faking it' (this coming from someone who has taken 12 days off sick since she joined 18 months ago - I have taken 5 days off sick over the same period). Yesterday we had a team meeting and one of the bulliers (a woman who is less qualified than me but was hired to do a job where she gives me orders; 4 of my less qualified and experienced colleagues have also been promoted over me since my diagnosis) said that it wasn't hygienic for me to use the same crockery and cutlery as the other people and I should bring my own. Breast cancer isn't contagious! I am not even having treatment and haven't been to the hospital since Easter 2015 (bank holiday weekend, so that it wouldn't interfere with my work duties). Another woman (that one wants my job and has been absolutely odious to me for the last 2 years) concurred. The HR director and the office managers (who insisted that I have to resign if I want to have treatment or tests) concurred. There is no point seeing them, they would go 'everyone is very worried about you' and 'I don't know but if I had cancer, I would want to have treatment, I don't understand why you haven't resigned, this doesn't look like cancer to me'.

The same evening, I had a meeting with my landlord, who is also anxious about my health, and the British PM is due to give more info about her Brexit plan this week, so this came at a time when I am already very very stressed: I am a EU national, working and renting in the UK, I don't have any family or friends who can help me financially or give me shelter either here or in my country of origin, and I don't have any savings, in fact I have about one year's salary worth of debts, thanks to my medical expenses, medical insurance (premium is in euros, not great with a falling £) and professional exam fees. I am not one of those foreigners who are a drain on the NHS, I have my own health insurance policy which pays for treatment in my country of origin (something that is probably going to become a requirement for us after Brexit anyway), I got diagnosed abroad, I was going to have treatment there, and the hospital which I had chosen (not the first one) was going to try their best to minimise disruption at work. However I have to carry on working to pay for this, and to keep a roof over my head. I am very, very angry and was unable to sleep all night.

DeeDee45

Penzance and Fotheringay, I am so sorry you have to work with such horrible people.  There is no excuse for the treatment those asholes are putting you through.  I pray they never have a major health problem, but if they do, perhaps then they will reflect on how they treated you and feel deep remorse and shame.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

april485

Penzance, even though lately I am not too thrilled with our government, I am so happy I live in the USA. An employer would NEVER be able to get away with what yours said to you under the ADA and other laws. That being said, some employers are just jerks like fortheringay encountered. They stay within legal limits but ride people and threaten their jobs. That is as bad as it still causes a lot of heartache and worry. Hugs to you both and to anyone with a jerk of an employer. Mine acted great so I am blessed. I work for a not for profit and we tend to be more family oriented than corporate America but the wrong boss and that would be out the window as well .

Goincrzy8

I was dx in Oct had Mastectomy in Dec. Saw the medical oncologist on Dec 27 she wanted a CT, echo and port installation for Chemo. Finally got the CT done on 1-12, met with RO on 1-16. She requested my report for my CT saw an issue on kidney, and T11. She requested a pet scan and urologist. I took the report to the MO office the same day. Met with surgeon yesterday for port placement today. As I am sitting in the surgeons office, she calls to tell me my echo results, which were good, but there is a spot on the bone we should do a bone scan. I am so pissed that she waited 10 days to tell me this. So now I cant start chemo next week as I had been hoping as this could change the stage. I have had so many delays and I dont know why, all I can do is cry.

Lita57

Goingcrazy8, we are all here for you. Just reach out to us at any time. Don't know how all this will affect your chemo, but I'm sure you'll be back on track soon. They want to get the Dx right b4 they start.

3positive-57

This forum is exactly what I need right now. In July of 2015 my mother had a stroke and my father in-law passed away from lung cancer. It was a very trying time to balance the care of two. My husband of 36 years became emotionally became involved with another woman at this time. He claimed they were "just friends" and I would not understand he needed a best friend to talk to. When this relationship was discovered, after getting all the information I needed to make a sound decision to move forward, Ithen got my own bc diagonsis. I have 2 more months to go of a year long treatment. My children have been great but I have felt so isolated and embarrassed of his unsupportive behavior. The husband just doesn't "get it." I keep telling myself what goes around comes around. Venting is great therapy, thank you! Any others with jerk husbands out there?

Meow13

Oh I am sure there are other Jerk husbands out there. Mine has been good but I hear you on the elderly parents. My parents are constantly having life threating emergencies both dealing with blood clots to the brain and strokes. They are afraid and exhausted as am I. I hope I will be able to get away for a week. Just when one emergency is resolved another pops up. I hate this.

3positive-57

My husband has never been very good at showing sympathy for others. He has been mostly a, "suck it up and move on type" of guy. Things were different when it hit home with his father, who has lived next door for almost 28 years. This was family crisis mode and I feel so cheated on that he turned to another woman who obliviously had other intentions other than "just friends". Some days I feel he is only here because out of guilt with my diagnosis, he needed to stay.Just hard to move forward wondering if he can trusted again in times of real need. This is not something I need in my life right now.

TETLEY

HI...I'VE ONLY BEEN ON THE BOARD A COUPLE TIMES..I THINK I WAS TRYING TO DENY IT. I HAD MY LUMPECTOMY IN MAY 2015. 8 X DOSE DENSE CHEMO & 25 RADS. WHEN I WAS FINISHED THAT THEN I STARTED ON TAMOXIFAN FOR 3 MTHS BEFORE I HAD TO STOP FROM HORRIBLE SIDE EFFECTS. THEN I WAS SWITCHED TO LETROZOLE. I NARCOTICS FOR MY MIGRAINES WHICH THE ONC KNEW ABOUT BUT ALONG WITH MY DEPRESSION & MIGRAINES I NOW SUFFER CHRONIC PAINS DAILY. AS I ALSO HAVE A TEAR & A BONE SPUR IN MY L SHOULDER WHICH I'VE HAD 5 CORTISONE INJ. ALONE WITH SEVERE PAIN IN MY L BREAST SO LONG AFTER THE SURGERY WHEN I START COUGHING IT HURTS EVERYWHERE IN MY BODY. BUT WHEN I ASKED THE ONC FOR A RX FOR COUGH SYRUP ONCE. THE NEXT

TETLEY

HI EVERYONE. ..I HAVE ONLY USED THIS SITE SEVERAL TIMES I THINK BCUZ I WA'S TRYING TO PRETEND IT WASN'T HAPPENING. BFOR I FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT I HAD BC I WAS ALREADY SUFFERING CHRONIC MIGRAINES & DEPRESSION. ONCE I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY CANCER I FOUND OUT MY SISTER HAD A TERMINAL CANCER WHICH DROPPED MY EMOTIONS EVEN WORSE. I WENT THRU A LUMPECTOMY 1 LYMPH NODE REMOVED DOSE DENSE CHEMO & 25 RADS.& NOW STARTED LETROZOLE I HAD ALSO JUST FOUND OUT THAT I HAVE A BONE SPUR & A TEAR IN MY ROTATOR CUFF. ALL THIS ON MY L SIDE PLUS I'M LEFT HANDED...IT'S 1 1/2 YRS SINCE MY SURGERY & TO THIS DAY I HAVE SEVERE PAIN IN MY L BREAST & UNDERARM I'M NOW SUPPOSED TO GET SHOULDER SURGERY THIS SUMMER & I'M AFRAID TO CUZ IF MY ARM / CHEST IS STILL NOT HEALED I'M SO SCARED OF MY ARM GETTING WORSE. I'M IN MY 50s STILL SUFFERING DEPRESSION & NOT FEELING HAPPY AT HOME. I FELT MY KIDS & HUSBAND THINK I SHOULD BE BETTER NOW & STOP COMPLAING. BUT LIVING WITH CHRONIC PAIN 24/7 NEEDING STRONG MEDS FOR MY MIGRAINES & STILL WORRY ABOUT RECURRENCE . I GET SO DEPRESSED . WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR & C WHAT I'VE BECOME. 35 lb OVER WEIGHT THINNING HAIR I FEEL AT LEAST 10 YRS OLDER & IT MAKES ME ALMOST ALWAYS STAYING IN.. I ALSO FEEL THAT MY HUSBAND & KIDS FIND IT EASIER NOT TO DEAL WITH ME THAN BEING INVOLVED WITH HELPING ME TRY & GET BETTER.YRS OF SLEEPING SEPARATELY HAVE MADE US DETACHED. BUT ANYTIME WE TALK ABOUT HIS DAY OR OTHER SAFE TOPICS IT'S OK. WHEN HE HEARS ME SAY I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS IT TURNS INTO AN ARGUMENT I JUST FEEL SO ALONE & THAT IM EXPECTED TO B HAPPY WHEN I'M ALWAYS IN PAIN. I JUST WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT HAVING BOTH PHYSICAL PAIN & DEPRESSION JUST KNCKED WHAT BIT OF LIFE I HAD IN ME..IF THIS IS WHAT MY NEW NORMAL IS ...I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN DEAL WITH..I'M SORRY I WENT ON SO LONG...I GUESS I'M JUST HAVING A PITY PARTY TO NITE. THANK U FOR LETTING ME COMPLAIN & FOR LISTENING.

TETLEY

Lita57

Tetley, forgive my 2 cents, but you sound pretty desperate. Does your health care insurance provide any kind of counseling? You've been in pain (both physically and emotionally) far too long. When you are down emotionally/spiritually, it makes whatever physical pain you have feel all the more worse.

You didn't write anything in your bio about what stage you are, or where you live, but I would also suggest looking into live cancer support groups in your area. Most urban areas have several support groups that meet either once a week or at least a couple of times a month. It might be helpful to find other women in your area who are dealing with what you are dealing with so you can get the face-to-face interaction that we all need. Lots of family members simply can't cope with a loved one's illness, and they often back away. Do you have any close friends you can confide in?

Cancer changes everything. Our skin dries out and wrinkles more b'cuz of chemo and radiation, our hair thins, we can lose toenails, mental clarity diminishes, and several other challenges become the norm.

Thank you for reaching out to us. We're hear to help and support you. Please find some help for your depression. In my experience, if you don't address it, it only gets worse.

L

Artista928

Trump's ban on green card holder moslems is something! My cousin and her husband are in Iran for a funeral. Their 2 kids are here. Their grandmother (my aunt) who got her citizenship last summer after 10 years of vetting is there but none are able to take care of bills, their business and such. My other aunt has tickets to make her annual visit to visit her kids and fam for next month. WTF? This is insane!!

Fotheringay

My asshole employer saga continues...

We had a meeting last week to go over my job duties, and I was very straightforward with them that I was potentially going to be pretty impaired at some point once radiation got going.... so they said all these nice, seemingly concerned things about how they were going to offload some work from me. This was a result of a letter from the hospital stating i needed several months' accommodation according to ADA law. I was pleasantly surprised and felt encouraged. (*SUCKER*)

A week later, nothing has improved. Much to my shock, I got hit with very strong nausea quickly once I started radiation.. I have no appetite and can't eat most of the day. Pile that on top of depression. I got a note from the RO to give to HR stating I was going to need reduced hours, and the HR matron told me that they already HAD "accommodated" me by letting me come in later in the morning after my radiation treatments. (*head explodes*)

All day long I have people yelling at me via email about why THIS hasn't been done yet or why THAT hasn't been done yet. Maybe because I've had appointments with radiologists and oncologists? Even so, I put in 44 hours last week. My work load was already unreasonable. They are ruthless.

(In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't have thought they might act an iota differently, based on the last ten months of being driven into the ground with the workload. Hope springs eternal. but I've got to wake up. I did discreetly remove all of my personal work notes today that I brought there when I started.)

The psychologist that I see on Tuesdays (thank God!) is very gently pushing me to take STD, get out, get sleep, eat right, reduce my stress level, and take care of my body so I can heal. My logical mind won't let me because I'm single with no safety net, and all I can think about is the money, the bills, the insurance. I have that oh-so-adult emergency fund, so I'm not going to end up pushing a shopping cart with my few worldly goods down a dark alley, but it feels like another step backwards during an already difficult time.

I wish I was on a warm beach under an umbrella reading a book, listening to the ocean and seagulls.

Carrie

Fotheringay

Hi Tetley,

You have a LOT on your plate. The little tiny thing I can offer you is that the shoulder surgery might not be so bad... I've had both shoulders done for bone spurs and rotator cuff damage they caused. In both cases I had the surgery on a Wednesday, and was back at work by Monday. Mine was done laparoscopically, meaning very tiny incisions that didn't disturb the muscles terribly. They ground down the bone spurs, and the pain was gone.

I hope you can find an emotional health professional or some support groups or supportive friends to help you get through this.

Carrie

Lita57

Fatheringay, stress is NOT your friend when you're dealing with cancer, a Dr told me. These people are @#$holes. They are not going to change. I wish you had an outside HR consultant who could go to bat for you.

Where I used to work b4 BC, I had to consult an outside HR advocate in employer/employee relations. He held the boss's feet to the flames and got the job done, and the boss had to pay the man too! Sadly, this consultant only works in Calif and goes by our state laws.

I think it's time to get a contingency plan in place. My hospital has a social worker...do you have a social worker linked up with your health care? They have a wealth of resources at their disposal. If you go out on state disability, there may be other local support agencies you can tap into as well. If all else fails, contact the American Cancer Society. They might be able to offer suggestions on where to get financial aid, etc.

Wish I could be more helpful.

tangandchris

I was fired today. Fired!!!

I worked her when I was dx'd and initially were very supportive of me and it was wonderful. Since then I've been back to work with no time off for cancer related issues for about a year and a half. I decided to go for a new position when it came up about a year ago, I was reat for a change and wanted to prove that cancer was behind me.

Nothing has been the same since. It's a long story but I've made errors along the way and it finally got me fired. At times I've thought it was/is chemo brain affecting me, but I didn't want to really face that. I don't like to make excuses for mistakes.

I'm jobless now, was the main bread winner and carried insurance on the family. I'm hurt that they did this to me. I'm angry and scared. I can't afford CobrA.

My check up with MO is this month and I think I'll be covered thru Feb.

What are we going to do???

DandilionWishes

sas-schatzi thank you for setting up a place to RANT! At this moment I am LIVID about my sister's lack of responsiveness to my plight. This will likely pass in a while, but I could feel my body getting hot and my blood pressure boiling, so I thought - let me go on breastcancer.org to see what the site has to offer about ANGER - and here this is - the perfect place to let it all out! Thank you!

My sister insists on communicating primarily via text. I hate this! texts are not consoling and are abbreviated and emotions are sorely lacking.

Last Tuesday, she texted asking why my chemo schedule is so aggressive, given the pet scan didn't show any tumors elsewhere in my body. I texted, that's too big of a question to text about Right?!? Her response,

Ah, okay, another time.

Then, I didn't hear from her, so I texted a link to my diagnosis, and wrote that scans can't find single cells or small clusters.

Dead Silence. For 5 days.

Finally today, I couldn't handle it and so today I texted

Gee whis sis Talk about crickets [Her term for when I don't answer her quickly] Are you dealing with something awful in your life right now or just not wanting to deal with my cancer? I know it's hard stuff for a lot of people to face, but you could have just faked it with any response kind of text. Anyway we just finished your delicious cookies last night, thank you.

Her response?

No, I can deal with your cancer, Definitely especially since your scan came back clean. TBC.

TBC?!? I am INFURIATED! it's like she STILL thinks the clean scan is the defining moment and my life is fine now. ARAGH!!!! I'm friggin fighting here - I lost my breasts in December, I'm at risk of lymphedema so I have to sleep on my back with pillows under my arms for the rest of my life for pete's sakes. I have insomnia as a result. I have 7 more chemo sessions, followed by 35 radiation sessions, with another breast reconstruction surgery somewhere in the future. The expanders are making me absolutely crazy. I can't even do house or yard work - they grate on my chest wall. The only thing that relieves that is Oxycodone, and I can't morally drive if I take a pill. I don't like taking that drug! I've lost my naivete. My body is scarred forever. My franken-noobs have zero feeling. I have lost any interest in sex. And from what I've read here, after all of this, I still have some level of risk for re-occurance.

Stage III Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Usually positive, but today I AM PISSED.

There. Thank you for providing a place to SCREAM!

Anyone who has read this far, I really just needed a place to vent. I'm glad I did, because it freed me up for when the time came that my lil' sis and I talked it through...she understands more now. I just need to remember she has a very busy life and not everyone is equipped to support me in all the ways I would wish and dream. She does love me: she made me cookies for my birthday and sent me some front zip tops when she understood I had nothing to wear that was front closing after the surgery.

Cancer is such a bitch. Sometimes I'm mad about my condition and it spills over everywhere...

jrow7

If ONE more person tells me to "stay strong" or "stay positive" or "Keep my chin up"...
If ONE more person tells me to pray for my feelings to be changed...

I get out of the bed every morning and I work and I function with this stupid dang cancer...give me some friggin credit.

Jesus himself felt every human emotion while He walked this earth...why am I not allowed the same grace?

I just want the surgery to get here asap (3/1) and for my path report to come back asap so we can put together a dang fight plan instead of living in this land of limbo...

How dare my cells do this to me

nayda985

I second that jrow!!!!!!

leftduetostupidmods

jrow, I got quite a good number of people avoiding me for a long time, because the same "stay strong" and "stay positive" irked me so much, that I started being aggressive about it.

At the "stay strong" I would look them in the eyes and ask dulcetly "Oh you must know so much about the strength needed when going through cancer treatment. Please advise me." I would always get stammering excuses, lowered gazes and those people excusing themselves.

To the "stay positive" I'd say (and it's true I stole this from someone else) "I'm positive that I have cancer and I'm positive it sucks. anything else I should be positive about?"

Freya244117

Why is it that cancer is the only disease where it is all about winning or losing the fight or the battle? So, if I fought harder, I could have won?

If I fell off the roof, would you say I lost my battle with gravity?

jrow7

Seachain -  LOVE the "stay positive" response...that's a bloody riot!

Freya - good point, I agree....shouldn't be about winning or losing...