STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Lita57

A lot of parents don't get their kids vaccinated anymore, and that scares the b'jesus out of me. They could be carrying just about anything. I can't get booster shots anymore because some of them contain "live viruses" which my MO said could kill me.

Keep children out of infusion suites. They can go elsewhere. Teach them to do blood pressure checks while wearing masks.

L

wrenn

I have a narcissistic sister who was thrilled with my diagnosis because she could get attention from it. She posted on Facebook about going to pink yoga in support the first week and said "I can't believe this is happening to us". All of her "friends" were soothing her and telling her what a supportive sister she was. I responded "It isn't happening to "us". It is happening to me".

I also told my other sisters that you could bet S would have a medical crisis within the week. Sure enough she had several. It is draining to have to take care of how other people are handling our diagnosis sometimes.

jaycee49

wrenn, does narcissistic sister know that you having BC makes it more likely that SHE will have BC. I wonder if she wants that much attention? It would be mean to mention it but so satisfying.

wrenn

Jaycee49, Because I was 66 when I was diagnosed genetic testing wasn't covered (or necessary). If there had been a genetic chance of her getting it one of us would have had it at an earlier age. I have 4 sisters and all but one are 70s or late 60s. The younger 58 year old did genetic testing and was negative.

I was teasing when I said it wasn't "us" or at least said it in a friendly way because we have all talked about how she makes everything about her. It was 6 years ago so no longer matters but the recent topic here reminded me.

MelissaDallas

And the “other” posters need to add a comment or something to the diagnosis and treatment section that the information is not their own diagnosis. It is really hard to figure out sometimes if the poster has BC too, or they are posting AS someone else. I was really offended recently by the poster wanting to force her 80-something mother to submit to AIs (with a pretty favorable diagnosis, no less.

Trishyla

Beesie. You wrote the exact post I was going to write. It bugs the daylights out of me. It's like when someone says "We're pregnant!" Nooooo. You're expecting, but only she is pregnant. Unless, of course, you're a lesbian couple and you're both pregnant at the same time. Then my sincere apologies. 😁😁

The other thing that bugs me is when people get our screen name wrong. Like Bessie instead of Beesie. 😉😉. Or Trash instead of Trish. (Yes, that has happened more than once).

Trish

marijen

My sister did the 23 and Me Genetic test and becuse she doesn't have the BRCA genes she thinks she can't get cancer. She's narcissistic too. Same for her daughter, no BRCA no cancer. Simple minds.

jaycee49

wrenn, this is just close to me. My oldest sister was dx at 43, died at 48. My next older sister was dx at 57. I was dx at 65. I'm the youngest. All genetic testing of me and the younger one was negative. It can happen. Yup, marijen, they are so wrong.

wrenn

I don't believe my sisters are immune to getting cancer because of my age or any genetic testing but was responding to the comment that is was "more likely" she would get it. :-)

Beesie

Trishyla,

Yup, a bee, not a cow. A few weeks ago I even changed my avatar to make it clearer.

jo, hard to believe that the gentleman would defend his use of the word "we" when women with breast cancer told him it was inappropriate. I'm sure that he was experiencing pain, but he was not experiencing her pain. He didn't have his body cut into or experience any of the other pains and indignities that we go through as patients.

I'm fine with family members posting, but to Melissa's point, they should make it clear that the diagnosis they list is for their spouse/mother/sister/daughter and they should never say or suggest or imply that they are the patient. Supporting a cancer patient isn't easy but there is a big difference between the person with cancer and the person who is supporting them. It's kind of like the role of the chicken and the pig when preparing a bacon and eggs breakfast. One is involved, and the other is committed.

jaycee49

wrenn, I was looking for something to back up my statement and found this right here at BCO:

https://www.breastcancer.org/research-news/20080513

Wanderingneedle

Thanks, Janet, I just sent that to my sisters.

Wanderingneedle

Sometimes I wish my husband would take an interest beyond what I tell him or the doctor says.

wrenn

This could very well be a comprehension problem on my part (happens regularly now) but I was focused on the topic of people saying "we" or "us" being annoying so I related a story about this happening to me.

Then when it switched to genetics or susceptibility I was thrown off and just mentioned the genetic information I had which was the oncologist telling me my sisters didn't have to worry.

I didn't want to get into a tussle regarding who might be susceptible but just responded in a light manner regarding my situation.

So basically, on the original topic I too have someone who uses the "we" "us" thing and on the topic of genetics I am ok with all of the research etc following my post.

Given that I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time I have to stick to one topic at a time or it gets messy.

marijen

Everyone has to worry,one out of two will get some kind of cancer in their lifetime. Could it be the contaminated food, water and air?

I told my sister she was wrong about the genetic testing and I got crickets. As usual.

wrenn

My sisters believe I got cancer because I didn't grieve my son's murder 'adequately'. So they can't get it because that didn't happen to them.

I wonder if many people don't understand things like cancer, death of a child, parenting etc until it happens to them?

Micmel

wrenn~I am simply speechless. I am Humbled simply being in your cyber presence. No parent should ever have to go through that. We just had that happen here last yearto a young woman my son dated in his junior year... two years later. Some idiot on drugs beat her to death. I am disgusted to hear you ever had to go through anything like that. Good lord. No.

wrenn

Thank you Micmel, I try to not post about it much because it is jarring or hard for people to hear but wasn't sure how else to explain my sisters' take on why they won't get cancer. Sorry if it was too upsetting for you. It has been many years and I am adjusting and in many ways it made my diagnosis easier I think. Cancer wasn't the worst thing to happen to me. It is the worst for most of us.

Micmel

never for one second ever feel you shouldn't talk about something deep inside your heart. I was upset for you, for your family. What kind of people are in this world? That would harm others family members. Why can't others Just mind your own business?. I am deeply deeply sorry. Words could never do it justice.

Karenfizedbo15

Runor, your last line made me laugh out loud

jo6359

wren- it is horrific to lose a child. I am so sorry.

runor

I'm reading Beesie's post, people confuse her with a cow?? What?? Ahh.. Bessie. Get it. I get called Rumor often, at least that's what I heard.

wrenn

I get called Wren LOL

AliceBastable

Oh my. First, Wrenn. What an absolutely horrid thing to have to hear. I'm afraid I've have reacted physically to something that hateful.

Beesie, as usual, you are right on target! When I see posts from husbands/children/parents that use "we" and talk about the patient like they are in a guardian situation, I'll usually sort-of-sweetly ask if the patient has diminished mental capacity or other disability. Or just imply it if I'm feeling nasty. When they reply "no," I'll explain, "Oh, well, the way your post was worded..." There should be a limit on the "we" users. Three times and you go through radiation. Fourth you get chemo. Fifth is a mastectomy.

Beesie

Wrenn, I am so sorry.

No offence, but your sisters are idjuts.

bennybear

wrenn, I am So sorry! Losing a child is huge! Please share whatever you need to. And death is one thing we don't discuss as a society and a violent death is harder. But your sisters, I guess denial works for them.

Further evidence, My mother and myself have had breast cancer, my aunt ovarian, yet my genetic tests were great.

Beesie, Trish, just wondering if the screen name issue is autocorrect? When I put in Wrenn, it wanted wren, wrench.... arghh!

I spent last week with close friends that lost my friend to cancer. The processing is so hard, they are blaming themselves and wondering why. My heart was broken when her daughter said I wasn’t enough to keep her here. I told her she was more than enough but her mom just couldn’t stay any longer, damn cancer! Such tough decisions. Hugs all.

Beesie

bennybear, if I'm on my iPad and am looking for an old post of mine, when I type my 'Beesie' username into the search line, it autocorrects to "Besieged". I wonder if my iPad is trying to tell me something or warn me about something.

I also have a lot of cancer in my family but tested negative on the 23-gene panel. That doesn't mean that there is no genetic connection, just that it hasn't been identified yet. I'm particpating in a clinical trial that might answer some of these questions.

jo6359

Beesie- when I use autocorrect with your name it comes up BC or beezy or Bessie.

mara51506

wrenn, I am so sorry about your son AND the cruelty of someone suggesting you caused your own cancer by not grieving enough.

That is one of the most cruel statements I have heard about in recent history. \Not only are you dealing with his loss, you are now dealing with an unkind person telling you it is your fault. I don't blame you for not wanting to dredge that up and not posting about it.

I thought certain members of my own family were cruel and cut them out of my life BUT they never said anything that could equate with the cruelty shown by your family. Again I am so sorry.

wrenn

I should clarify. It wasn't that I didn't grieve enough it was that I blocked it out and dissociated. I thought I was being stoic for my daughter's sake but really I was just a coward and couldn't face it. Instead I developed PTSD and isolated. My sisters didn't actually say outright that I hadn't grieved but hinted that I should have faced it and howled or fallen apart publicly. I fell apart big time but no one saw it.

The thinking was that if we don't attend truthfully to what is going on in our hearts our bodies respond with illness or something like that. I actually do believe that living in the moment and acknowledging psychic pain is good for our bodies but for cancer to take hold I think so many things have to line up.

Another reason why I believe that being diagnosed with cancer wasn't the worst thing to happen to me was that I was 66 and by that age I think most of us start to wonder what will take us out. For me I expected heart attack or stroke since both parents had that and because I was in really shitty shape. So when I got cancer my response was "wow. cancer. hmmm. didn't expect that". I think it is an entirely different experience for anyone younger than 60 and especially younger than 50. I think it is a horror story for anyone but the elderly and makes me angry at the universe that younger people have to deal with that.

I worry about mentioning it because it seems to either take over the conversation or makes people feel like their suffering isn't as bad. I believe everyone's suffering is equal no matter the cause. Thanks for the kind words.