STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Artista964

I fear alzheimer's too. I do have short term memory loss at times and comprehension. I often forget why I got up and my mind isn't distracted. It forms slowly. It's not until stage 3 or 4 of 7 that a firm dx is made. I've studied up on it. Friends mom has it, and I'm going through it with my former boss. What sent her to the neurologist is asking a question then still talking but on another subject, asks it again completely forgetting she asked it 15 min ago....frequently.

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My mother has vascular dementia. She is becoming a sweet child, always talking about her childhood. She remembers me as a baby but she completely lost all her memories about our last 20/25 years together. A few days ago she asked why I had never visited her again. That broke my heart. I answered her: Mom, we saw each other almost every day, but you just don't remember it. It is so sad, I feel I lost my mother already. This new person is a sweet old ladie with whom you have to start all over again every day.

Artista964

My friends mom is really mean. She was like that since forever. So she tells her daughter I hope you die, you're evil, etc. Sometimes she's nice but not often. They say the personality you go in with becomes enhanced.

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I think aggression is characteristic of dementia. My mother's doc asks at each appointment if she is becoming aggressive. I hope that does not happens untill some more years.

AliceBastable

My aunt never got mean (that I know of), but she became something of an exhibitionist, answering the door topless, for instance. She had a good body for someone in her 90s, but I think the nudity wasn't about vanity.

Jo6359, I can't find the link to the research paper my niece co-authored. It must have been somewhere besides FB.

I'm not a nice person. I love that my niece does research for Alzheimer's, and also posts fundraising for the research. I'm glad that she is incredibly supportive of a close friend with ovarian cancer, and organizes and attends many fundraisers for both her friend, and awareness/research. But I also wish that once, just once, she would have asked how I was doing last year when I was having body parts cut off or dug out or zapped.

Artista964

my aunt's husband was always mellow and through dementia too. He got frustrated but not bad. I think it's the individual.

mara51506

I have been having a rough time of late and need people to talk me down.

I live alone, never did make any really close friends and not much family. I talked about having to let go of younger brother so he is gone, older brother and family still around.

My older brother and his family are the only family I have in my life. My mother died in January after lung cancer. I am largely moving beyond the grief as she spent her last days losing mobility and independence while at the same time, she worried about me. I was glad she was finally at rest after suffering and no longer having to worry about me.

My problem nowadays is because I never cultivated friendships beyond casual acquaintances, I have nobody to really share concerns or chat about things with like I did with her. Things I accomplish that I am proud of such as purchasing a treadmill and being able to build my strength back slowly, adjusting my diet to get rid of some nasty digestive issues I had, are not really priorities for them. When they do come to visit, it feels like a chore they are doing. I understand that they went above and beyond for many months helping me move, get real estate agent, selling home, finding apartment etc. I also gave them a large sum of money for doing all of this.

My main issue is that I know they cannot possibly be around all the time as I know they all have their own lives, I just am having trouble adjusting to being alone and I am not always well enough to get out. I hesitate to call because messages I have sent go unanswered and also I KNOW they need to relax. Also, we don't typically talk on the phone or check in and if I do call, that usually means I am sick.

The other issue is that because I am on disability and lead a quiet life, we really have run out of things to talk about. When I speak, there is not much that holds their interest and they continue their conversations with each other. I feel like I am now just a chore to get out of the way. I need to help myself deal with life as it is now since Mom is gone and I have to look after myself. Just feeling sad, lonely and sorry for myself and needed some people to share this with. I don't want to address it with them as it will come across as demanding their time and they did so much. Also can't afford to lose only family I have left.

Signed feeling sad, lonely and isolated. Thanks for reading. I know I won't always feel this way, I am just tired of feeling isolated and tired of not having anything to say that they would find interesting.

It also makes me wonder why I keep doing these treatments to stay alive without anybody to share it with. There are so many other people who actually deserve my good fortune with my years of decent physical condition. I feel like good fortune has been wasted on me who does not have anyone who needs me. So many of our sisters and brothers have lost their lives who have had families and friends who need them. I feel like people forgot that though I have done better than a lot of people in my condition, people have forgotten my time is limited and I don't feel people really care about that anymore. I am not sure this is true or just my sad mind, but that is how I feel. I am told I will probably go on for years. I keep reminding that I will die, I will decline and pass away.

I just question the folly of sticking around longer for largely a solitary life. No one to share it with anymore. Wish I could give my health to someone else who has more to live for, more people who need them.

I hope I feel better tomorrow, getting tired of feeling sad and hopeless and suffering SE from the drugs I am on. I will talk with my cancer centre and ask for more help with the social worker. I

jo6359

mara- I'm so sorry to hear you're going through so many things alone with feelings of isolation from your family. The loss of your mother must have been devastating. Even though you recognized she was losing her mobility prior to dying she seemed to be your major source of support and sharing. You did mention something in your post which struck home. I believe you stated when you called your family it's usually because you're sick. Have you tried calling them just to say hello and have a great day. Who knows? Maybe if you do that enough they'll start to reciprocate. You might have already tried these things without any success. Do you feel as if everything is contingent upon you making the effort to maintain any semblance of a relationship with your family? It's extremely difficult if not almost impossible to change another person's Behavior. Based on everything you have said, it's important to you to maintain some type of relationship with your family. Have you ever tried sitting down with them and sharing your feelings of isolation and sadness? Or try to find something you all still have in common? It seems as if you are doing all the work but maybe you're the one who wants the relationship the most and are willing to work at it. It can be very tough even when you have a strong support system . Have you considered signing up with a mentor through a local Cancer Association group? For many people it is difficult to cultivate interests when you are on disability and stuck at home. What are things you enjoy doing? Are any of these things you could do with a support group or a social club? I apologize for throwing so many questions that you. Keep us posted on what's happening in your life.

mara51506

I do have a wonderful service through hospice for a companion volunteer. In my case, that service is a person who I can talk to, we are like a couple of good friends and we usually walk around the mall, get coffee and shop or do errands. I enjoy the time out of the house. Unfortunately, you cannot maintain a friendship outside of the volunteer hours as this kind of service would put too much emotional burden on the volunteers and they need to unplug from it themselves.

I plan to go on my own back to my cancer clinic next time I have an appointment, I am presently on a MO ordered chemo holiday to rebuild strength. I have been using my treadmill religiously and am starting to feel stronger.

I don't always feel this way and these sad days are getting fewer and farther between. I will discuss with the family next time I see them that I don't want to only visit when they think I need to do a chore.

Mentally, I think sometimes unpacking my inner baggage here before just spewing sadness on people helps me put things into perspective too. I think the tears are my body's stress coping mechanism. I have fewer of these spells now and they are shorter. Today's spell was after a long day at the cancer clinic for my 3 month CT scan to make sure I am still NED from neck down. Having people here who can understand what I am going through helps too. It is sometimes good just to have a kind person respond to and validate my feelings.

When clear headed, my older brother has done NOTHING wrong, he has to live his own life too after months of looking after first my mother and then me. I know his family needs time to decompress as they literally did EVERYTHING to get me packed, moved out of the house, into an apartment, staging of house and getting it sold. I did not have to do anything. That's why I don't burden them and sometimes just need to get the thoights out that I believe are masking my grief for losing my mother and to a lesser extent my younger brother, nephew and greatnephew. All of those feel like a death and it is a lot to deal with.

Best thing I can do is work through feelings, sleep, exercise to stay strong AND to modulate my mood so these sad dark times are fewer. Would help me think clearly and see more clearly how lucky I actually am compared to a lot of people. I guess the tears are cathartic and I need to work through thoughts before picking up the phone.

Thanks for responding, if I don't start having fewer depressive feelings, I will definitely call my cancer centre, we do have good social workers. I do feel a connection here, both when I am seeking help and hopefully at times when I can help others with my experience.

jo6359

mara- I am so glad you have a volunteer to spend a few hours a week with and to share your feelings. You defend your brother for doing nothing wrong. You haven't done anything wrong either. I agree with you being able to vent and spew on these threads seems to help and prepare oneself when dealing with difficult situations or people. Vent and rant all you want we are here listening and willing to support you.

mara51506

Thanks jo6359. I agree, the volunteer is wonderful, we do just chat like old friends and have a really good time. I should also add, I don't spend all my days at home. I do go places for myself that I enjoy. Saw the new SpiderMan movie which was great. I don't mind going to movies myself as I REALLY enjoy my popcorn as well. It is lots of fun.

I think just organizing thoughts helps me realize that I am not so much depressed as just still grieving. It helps me understand that some of my thoughts are not real so much as a byproduct of a lot of upheaval. I spend more days than not enjoying myself, my treadmill (love walking but outdoors is too hot and humid) and staying strong as I can for as long as I can. Also, instead of just dumping my thoughts on my brother, it is better to separate fact from fiction that I am somewhat creating about being a chore. I largely think this is my mind's own invention when under stress. If I was not important to them, they would not have helped me with all the packing, putting everything together etc at the expense of their own lives. They are just needing a break. It helps me not burden my situation on them constantly.

I am getting better at reaching out for professional help first and I am glad that these thoughts are fewer and far between as stated above. I went through similar issues after whole brain radiation. I spent months in a dark place and it was hard to know which issue to blame. Steroids were a part of it but the inflamed brain can also affect some for a long time after. I started walking just to try to feel better and that helped me get strong back from 2017 and 2018 which is why I purchased the treadmill. I wanted that walking ability to fortify me now while I still can and it is largely starting to work on my mind and body which lost a lot when looking after my mom.

I will look forward to facing my emotional challenges and become an stronger, more determined person. These are the kind of thoughts that I think are more representative of who I have become. They just sometimes get hidden behind my occasional dark stormy times. Thanks again jo for your good advice and wise words. You are so very kind and have helped me a lot.

Lita57

I'm having major memory issues now, too. When it gets really frustrating, I tell myself, "Take a breath, slow down and find your words. They will come eventually."

L

wrenn

Mara you have amazing self awareness and it was interesting to watch you work through this. I think it shows that putting it out there on pape even really helped you to put things in perspective and it helped me to see how this works so I will try it more as well. You sounded so sad in the original post and I was thinking it sounded like grief and then when I got to your follow up post you sounded in a better frame of mind and acknowledge the grief.

You are very appreciative of your brother and his family too and I'm sure they know that. I liked the idea of telling them you would like to communicate things other than the sickness. I like that you have the time with the volunteer to look forward to as well.

Keep coming back to let us know how things are going for you. It helps us as much as it helps you. Thank you for this.

AliceBastable

Yes to everything Wrenn said, and so eloquently.

I've been blaming my mushy, scrambled brain on an overdose of anesthesia last year. And my tendency to let myself get dehydrated, which I REALLY need to not do, being a unikidney person now. I tried to blame my recent anger outbursts and word stupidity and increased klutziness on Tamoxifen, but a one-month break didn't change anything. I guess I'll have to eventually ask my PCP if I have a problem, but I'm willing to procrastinate as long as I can - or as long as my family will put up with my Jeckyll and Hyde days.

runor

Yndorian, to have a heart attack while dancing the polka - with Antonio Banderas - you forgot the most important part. Maybe Jason Momoa if Antonio is busy.

Beesie, I have never called myself a survivor either. It seems we cannot know what we've survived until we know what finally kills us. Then, and only then, can we claim what we survived something else. It could get awkward and cumbersome. Cancer survivor, but peanut allergy dier. Cancer survivor but parachute did not open dier. Cancer survivor but eating blowfish sushi dier. I think the only ones who can really say what we survived or died from is the person writing our obituary. I call myself a person who had/has cancer. I am never clear what tense to use. Did I have it and is it gone for good? Did I have it but it's likely to reappear? In which case have I survived it or postponed it? See? This isn't clear to me.

I think we need to come up with a better t-shirt. I do not go all pink ribbon or t-shirty or public fund raising for breast cancer. But I think the slogan needs a revamp. Maybe it already exists somewhere and I haven't seen it but I think we need something like, "Breast cancer, an issue close to my heart." I'd buy that button. (Do any of you remember in the 80s you could get buttons for any current political topic? I have one tucked away from my youth. It says " Nuke the unborn gay whales." Covered nuclear threat, abortion rights, sexual discrimination and the slaughter of whales, all in 5 words. Awesome! It made me laugh back then, makes me laugh now.)

AliceBastable

I say I HAD cancer, and this is true unless and until it returns. Or I get another one, which is certainly possible.

mara51506

Thank you everyone. It helps to have people to talk to, I really did feel better after. I will keep plugging away.

jaycee49

Mara, what you need is a friend. Me, too. I have none except on BCO. Too bad jo and company don't live near you. Wouldn't that be great? I've been thinking I need to stop skipping my local BC support group where I could meet people with cancer in common. Maybe I could make some friends. They usually have speakers I have no interest in but then they just talk and sometimes a group will go out to lunch. Is there a local support group you could go to? And what about neighbors? Maybe someone lives in your apartment complex (do you live in a complex?) that you could cultivate a friendship with. Just some ideas that I have had for myself. I have not been successful yet but I'm pledging to go to the next support group meeting. I found that it is really hard to make friends when you are older. People already have their routines with their routine people. Just gotta try.

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jaycee you are right! It is very hard to make friends at certanly age, but it is still worse if you have bc. I recognize that I am in a difficult stage and I just can't enjoy things like before bc so I'm not interested in being with people either. I know this is unhealthy but right now this is the situation. This is the reason why I spend so much time in this site. I feel comforted here.

Runor: could it be Sean Bean? Maybe the heart attack would happen before the dance began. I think we have different risk factors...

movingsoccermom

Mara. So sorry to read of your struggles. I am especially close to my Mom as well, and know that her passing will be devastating. Is there perhaps an interest of your youth that you could now pursue, like learning to knit/crochet, taking a painting class or something like astronomy? There would likely be group classes available and maybe you would find some like minded folks. I still hope to learn cello and get back to painting which I enjoyed through high school.

All the best.

runor

Yndorain, yes, Sean Bean is acceptable. If you wanted to say, perform some rigorous adult activity with Mr. S. Bean and THEN have a heart attack, I think that would be approved.

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Runor: that sounds like heaven to me. But, not to lose the spirit of this thread ... That will never happen!

mara51506

Thanks for the good ideas movingsoccermom. Some of those sound intriguing.

DogMomRunner

Mara - I'm sorry that you've lost your mom as a friend and confidante. I used to be able to talk to my mom about all things but with her dementia it's pretty much impossible. I'm lucky to have a sister close by that I can talk to and do things with. My husband has been a rock during all this BC stuff. But, like you I really don't have any other good friends.

Jaycee and Yndorian are right - I am also a woman of a certain age and while I do have some wonderful coworkers, it's hard to develop close friendships. I like jaycee's idea of getting involved with the local BC support group.

Take care of yourself Mara.

mara51506

Thank you dogmomrunner. I am doing better.

I will be yelling at someone in my real life who is violating the sanctity of these pages. It will all be caps for my younger brother.

ANDREW, STAY OFF THIS BREAST CANCER SITE. I KNOW IT IS PUBLIC BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE READING WHAT I POST LET ALONE ANYONE ELSE.

i HAVE NOT NOR EVER BEEN TAKEN ADVANTAGE BY ANYONE AND YOU NEED TO STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

YOU AND JENN BOTH MADE IT CLEAR IN JANUARY THAT YOU WANTED NOTHING MORE TO DO FROM ME, DON'T TRY TO INSERT YOURSELF IN MY LIFE NOW TO STEAL MONEY.

i AM FULLY AWARE OF YOUR MOTIVES AND WILL NOT EVER LOOK AFTER YOU. YOUR FAMILY HAS BEEN CUT OFF BECAUSE OF YOU.

IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE, I WILL TELL YOU I AM FINE AND THAT IS ALL I WILL TELL YOU.

For the people of this site, I had to use a couple of first names as my younger brother has still been reading my posts. That is all I will say.

edj3

Well from me to him, quit being a prying jerk. You're violating ALL our privacies.

jo6359

mara- your brother is very presumptuous to go on these sites to obtain information about you. I have never told my friends about this site. Even though it is a public forum. I would feel as if my privacy was violated. How did you find out? Maybe your brother wanted to learn more about you and what you are going through. Even with that, he still doesn't have the right to go on these sites seeking information about you without your permission. Legally yes. Ethically no. Good login seeking a resolution to this issue.

AliceBastable

Mara51516, maybe switch your user name on here?

Andrew, if you're reading this: you are cyber-stalking every person on this site. You should be ashamed.

mara51506

I thought about it but I don't know what I would change to.

He found my username because before my mother died, he decided it was OK to go through my tablet which chrome kept all passwords open. He took banking info to show debt etc because he thought older brother would help him have me declared incompetent to take money from my house sale. It backfired and actually set my older brother against him.

He can't post as me and I refuse to change my username. I changed all my passwords and blocked him off social media, deactivated my mothers facebook. Nothing was ever said on facebook about selling house etc or that. This is the only place the money I gave my older brother for all the work they did over many months was talked about. Those people broke their backs helping me get out of old place, into new, getting condo ready for sale. They deserved every penny. They do still stay involved and actually CARE about me. Younger brother never did, always thought I was an idiot and deserving of emotional and verbal abuse. I put up with it in the past but I am a completely different person now. That crap would not work on me.

Even if I change username, if I talk about myself he would still know it was me so hiding is not going to help. He should just leave my niece and nephews out of it and enjoy his life, son and grandson who I had to give up because of him.

My own life is much happier without someone in it who thought I deserved emotional and verbal abuse. His sole joy was to poke, poke and poke at me more to either explode or start crying out of frustration. That ended in January when I said he would not hear from me. He will not ever know where I live and I don't post anything on facebook. He deserves nothing from me and he's lucky I did not choose to vent my anger on him. I am better than that and a hell of a lot stronger than I was.

I hate that my mother suffered so much while she was around but having to deal with life on my own has been good for me. I have emotional support here, with a few friends as well as professionals and family who care. I am blessed. He would not recognize the person I am now. If I see him, I will not speak to him or his family ever again.

I am sorry again to you guys because this is not something a person should do so lightly. I will not lose this place, I will continue to receive help when needed and give help where I am able. You sisters and brothers understand all I am going through and it is helpful more than you can imagine. Thanks again my sisters.

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Change your username will not work anyway. Your old posts are still here and your nickname will be change in it too. Your brother should show a little respect to your privacy rights!