OMG They Found the Cure for Stupid

EmilyInOntario

The Water Closet

A English lady visited Switzerland and
was having difficulty finding a room, so she
asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After
a satisfactory room had been found, she returned
to her home and did some packing. Suddenly, it
occured to her that she hadn't noticed a W.C.,
(In England, the toilet is called a Water Closet)
so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C. The
Schoolmaster not knowing the meaning, asked the
parish priest and together they decided that it
must mean "Wayside Chapel". He wrote her the
following letter:

Dear Madame,


I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. 
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend you plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. 
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

momof2greatkids

Too cluckin funny:

 http://www.nola.com/pets/index.ssf/2011/04/feral_chickens_have_proliferat/2540/comments-8.html 

Feral chickens have proliferated in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina
Published: Monday, April 11, 2011, 8:00 AM Updated: Monday, April 11, 2011, 10:34 AM
Katy Reckdahl, The Times-Picayune By Katy Reckdahl, The Times-Picayune NOLA.com

Since Hurricane Katrina, Ruby Melton's 9th Ward enclave has welcomed a new species of neighbor: clucking, crowing, prancing chickens that dart across streets and nest in the trees.
Chickens of New Orleans Chickens of New Orleans Wild chickens roam the streets of many downtown New Orleans neighborhoods. Watch video

"We don't have stray dogs any more," said Melton, 68. "But everyone I talk to has stray chickens."

Most people figure that the wild birds descended from domesticated fowl that escaped backyard coops after the storm. Since then, the population has boomed, with the local SPCA chapter now dispatching officers weekly to catch feral chickens, spokeswoman Katherine LeBlanc said.

Most calls hinge on neighbors' irritation with ear-piercing squawks, she said, rather than complaints about chicken droppings or attacks on pets or children. The birds don't appear to be fugitives from the growing number of New Orleans homesteaders who raise chickens for eggs and meat.

Animal control officers place the stray chickens with a farmer they call the Chicken Man, LeBlanc said, noting that capturing the creatures is "extremely hard" and often requires the effort of several officers.
Helpful hints

* Our best chicken recipes
* N.O. best fried chicken

The job hasn't proved as vexing for a band of swift, persevering kids who have invested countless hours stalking and nabbing the feathered bandits, said Ed Buckner, director of the Porch, a cultural organization in the 7th Ward. When Buckner a few years ago started a Mardi Gras Indian tribe for youth at the Porch, he wanted to call it "Akanka," after the Choctaw word for chicken.

"Until they started sewing, these boys were running around chasing chickens all day," Buckner said.

The boys opted to call their tribe the Red Flame Hunters, which they thought sounded cooler. But they admitted to a knack for capturing chickens that roost in nearby trees. They sneak up and grab the birds over their wings, and they try to avoid the roosters' spurs, which can tear deeply into flesh, said Nas Jackson, 12.

Several 7th Ward chickens commute between two empty lots on opposite sides of Touro Street. Cynthia Stampley, who has lived on the block for 30 years, said that until Katrina, she'd never seen such a proliferation of wild chickens.

Other cities have waged high-profile battles with chickens. After neighbors complained last year, animal-control workers in the Bronx removed 35 chickens that were "believed to be the city's largest brood of wild chickens," according to a newspaper report.
Feral ChickensMichael DeMocker, The Times-Picayune archiveThese chickens on France Street were photographed in February 2010.

Philadelphia, Miami and Phoenix also have also had dustups over the birds. A few years ago, Key West, Fla., hired a municipal chicken wrangler to keep its bird populations under control.

In New Orleans, neighbors in the 7th, 8th or 9th wards seem fond of the chickens, despite a few gripes.

Hens protective of their chicks recently lunged at Brenda Stewart's Shih Tzu puppy, which is now terrified of them, she said. After moving into a new apartment after Katrina, Ruby Melton's son, Doyle, discovered a crowing rooster living in a tree on the lot.

"At 5:30 in the morning, that's an annoying sound," he said. "But other than that, they don't bother me."

"I love 'em, me," said Mattie Smith, who sees the chickens every morning as she putters in her garden on Gallier Street in the Upper 9th Ward.

Residents keep tally of the flocks. There are three hens, one rooster, plus chicks on Touro Street. Three roosters and five hens live near Bunny Friend Playground, which also had been home to about seven little chicks until most were nabbed by a large chicken hawk, Doyle Melton said.

Postman Everett Young said he sees chickens every day on his route. Before Katrina, Young only encountered the animals across the Industrial Canal in the Lower 9th Ward, he said.

Eph3_12

I'm crying from laughing so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous

Eph3_12

Ladies, sorry if this is a repeat (I haven't read all 80 pages) but this is one of my favs! 

 One Woman's Tale of Woe

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.  I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! " I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Anonymous

Anonymous

And now a word from our stupid product sponsor

Anonymous

When your kids need a time out

Alyson

It is spring in the Northern Hemisphere.

Meece

Meece

Lowrider, have you been here looking for CG yet?

suzanneinphoenix

LOVE the Water Closet!  What a way to start the morning Thank you!!!! Absolutely hilarious!

JanetinVirginia

Clucking with my coffee - I had never read ANY of those stories/letters.   Feral chickens & cold wax.  So funny!!! 

MBJ

The W.C. had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants, lol!!!

The wax, OMG!

Connie07

CANDLE FOR SALE $1.00 Hi Ladies,  I am new to this thread and was reading last night, only got to page 6 when DH had to interrupt to see what I was laughing about. THANKS FOR THE LAUGHTER I have no idea how I posted this pic, it's my first one ever, (hope it posts with this message). I copied it from craigslist and when I saw this single, unlit, for sale candle I started laughing all over again. So here's to the candle messaging people in our lives, I'll never look at another one the same way again.

CarolT0214

https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Fair-Oaks-Chickens/98972465935

Fair Oaks, CA loves it's feral chicken population......they have their own facebook page...lol 

EmilyInOntario

Checking in for my daily laugh  "fix"..

Shall I order more asparagus for the Hen-House? I forget whose job that is?

Where is Lowrider? Maybe she is DEEP undercover...

EmilyInOntario

Welcome to all of you just joining us! I think we need to start building an extension to the Hen House. Great to have more of you here!

thenewme

Ohmygosh, my gizzard hurts from laughing so hard!

Lowrider, come in, Lowrider - check in chickie! 

dutchgirl6

M-O-M, thanks for that.  Now I have that tune etched in my brain, and I know that I will be singing it all day!!!

Joni, I was planning to make an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed, but I don't think that I'll be able to have it done without cringing.  I realize that the two areas are totally different, but still.... 

Off to buy a candle now.

Anonymous

Anonymous

Ellie1959

Seriously - the stupid pale baby and hip tan baby made my day - so cute!!!

EmilyInOntario

Oooooooooohhhh..asparagus cones! Better order some of them in too for the Hen House..

Makratz

Meece

Let's have the "treat" man park his van beside the hen house so we can endulge whenever we feel like it.

Anonymous

Young man, how long is your asparagus?

Anonymous

Is that asparagus, or are you just happy to see me?

EmilyInOntario

Makraz..that ice cream/asparagus combo actually looks good to me right now..*L*

Meece..good thinking!

MindoverMatter...my oh my..*L*  And love the avatar!

Anonymous

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a

mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the

farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm

but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back

to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws

the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car

forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow

again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to

the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I

think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of

the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And

the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!