**NEW** Starting Chemo March 2009

bethr

Hi All,

 Sakura - I agree with all the previous posts in that I hope you start focusing more on beating the cancer..  I echo Mom-of-Boy's remark about a 'learning lesson'.  I can honestly say that some of the hardest breakups I've had became wonderful lessons I needed to learn about myself.  Still being single, I guess there must be more for me to learn...  (smile).  Breakups are always hard, some more than others, but I think we manage to get through them knowing ourselves a little better and in some cases, respecting ourselves a little more on the other end.

 Deb - So sorry to hear about your new oc's findings.  I know how frustrated I'd be if something like that happened to me.  As with Francine, my BS has a tumor board every Friday with all personnel, BS, Radiologists... everyone to go over each case.  Because of this, I had two attempts at a lumpectomy (they were trying to help me keep my breast) before they decided on a third surgery to remove the whole thing.  I'm hoping for the best for you.

 Well, my radiology treatment normally scheduled for 7:15 so I can get to work, was delayed by hours today due to problems with the machine.  I missed a day of work.  I hope this doesn't happen often...

All - Hope everyone's hanging in there and having a good day!

Beth

Anonymous

Sakura  Someone sent me a wonderful poem a while back about what kind of friend are you?  Are you here for a reason, a season or a lifetime ?  Perhaps you can put your BF in the "reason" category even if he he was too much of an jackass to see it through. 

Raymon  I hope your husband is feeling better.  Scary how expensive those drugs can be.

Bethr   I am now going to an onc at a large teaching hospital.  I am much more optimistic about my quality of care there. I am also switching surgeons so everyone is in the same place.

Chris  I am so jealous that you went to the LL world series.  My boys used to go to camp there every summer.  I love to watch the games and think wow my kids played on those fields. I long for those simple days.

Beth  You are like the resident  psychologist.  We're all saving a bundle on therapy.  I've recouped from my weekend and meet with a new surgeon on Wednesday to get going again.  I wasn't as upset with where I think I am headed treatment wise as just the feeling of spinning my wheels for months on end.  The trouble with being an eternal optimist is that when you do crash, it's a long ways down.  When is your biopsy?

nasharayne

NYDeb - I too am generally optimistic about everything but, I think this journey has changed that a bit, as my friends have noticed in other areas besides BC.  I  think it's ok to go up and down. It's a new expereience and certainly not easy to go through. After my lumpectomy my surgeon sent my slides to a tumor board.  I had clear margins on the first go round but, they were deciding if I should have a mastectomy since my tumor was 1.9 cm and we thought it would be closer to 1.  Maybe this would be a good idea for you to get more opionions from the whole team.

Sakura - I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  You are the most important person in your life and you have to fight for you.

As for me 9 more rads to go.  Not too bad but, ready to be done.

I know a lot of you are glad to be done with the monthly visitor but, I am looking for it everyday. Even though my onc said 3-6 months I was hoping for 5 weeks like didle20diane (i think) Oh well I guess I have time since I can't do anything until I'm done with herceptin.

jdeking

I hear ya Nasharayne - I am looking for mine too! It's been almost 12 weeks since last chemo and nothing yet. Hang in there!

 Has anyone heard from Bunny or Buddy? Or Cyndi, or Michelle (marshall)? Ladies, I hope you are out there enjoying life, check in if you have a chance!

Hi Jan - hope you're staying cool in this Texas heat!

ChrisC433

Beth:  I have had nothing but problems getting my rads.  Today went smooth, though.  Mine are also scheduled for 7:15, but I switched to 4:00 once school starts because the machine is so unreliable.  I can't sit around and wsit. Hope things go smoothly for you!

Chris

MichelleinSJ

I'm sorry to hear there are so many sad and worrisome things going on here.  Annette, Raymon, Deb, Rachel:  hang in there.  Sunny days are ahead for us.  Chris, I'm glad today's rads went smoothly, but what a pita.

I liked Time Traveler's Wife, but I read the book five years ago.  The movie made me remember it.  I'm sure if I'd read it more recently I would've been sad about pieces left out, but five years seems a good time between book and movie.  I thought the casting was great!

Michelle

sakura73

Dear all.

Thank you.

You're such a grace and a blessing in my life. I am so humbly and sincerely grateful for your thoughts and words and for your advice. Yes, perhaps he was in my life for a reason and a season, not for ever. I am not ready to accept that yet, but perhaps it is true. And either way nothing can take away those times we had, and the support he was to me. I can't believe that the change could occur so fast - when I look back over emails and texts the change really occured over just a few weeks. But I can't make him love me. Part of me feels like I am bearing the brunt of his deep unhappiness and burdens caused by other parts of his life, that he has decided it is better to leave me that to work through the implications of being with me (pressure from ex wife, logistics of sharing custody of son etc). But even if that is true it makes no difference. It was his decision to make and he has made it. 

I went to chemo today. A friend drove me, and took me for a coffee between onco appointment and influsion. I cried a little in the onco's office, and absolutely bawled in the day ward. The nurses were incredibly kind, and in the end gave me a pill to calm me which did work for a while. My mother has flown down from Sydney to spend a few days. I will go to work and personal training and parish vestry meeting as usual tomorrow. As awful as it seems, life has to go on, doesn't it?

I love you all very much.

bethr

Hi All..

 Chris - Well, I didn't actually wait around.  I had another appt at 9:30 after which I had planned to go to work.  Instead I went back to get the radiation treatment and THEN waited around..  but luckily not for too long.  It's just that by the time that was all taken care of it was around 1:30.  And I have an hour commute to work right now.  Today, the machine was having problems again so I got 1/2 of my treatment...  (sigh)  It just keeps getting more fun.

Sakura -  Hang in there!!!  You seem like a wonderful person and I pulling for you!

 All - The swelling in my feet and ankles has gone down tremendously.  My skin still hurts a little, but it's alot better.  I never thought I'd be so happy to put a pair of shoes on !!!  LOL

Have a great day!

 Beth

pickle

Gymom(Cyndi), Marshall, Buddy and Bunny.....how are you gals???

Deb: Did you have another appointment yesterday. If so, how did it go? Did they give you a plan?  You have been on mind and in my prayers daily.

Rachel; That will be great to have your Mom over for a few days. Hugs and good thoughts for minimal SE's this week. You are almost done chemo so hang in there.

Chris and BethR....what is the deal with the rad machines. Sounds like you are both having delays. Hopefully they are getting a permanent fix.

Here is the poem that Deb was referring to. It is lovely and true.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

Cheers for a wonderful day

Beth P

7timewinner

Sending out love and prayers to all in need here...

Peace,

Nadine

pickle

Hi gals,

I am booked for streotactic biopsy ....on my good side....on Monday. I just came from my PCP and got a copy of the Mammo report. Birad 4:  3mm cluster of calcifications at upper outer region.

Ultrasound report mentions the couple areas of palpable firm tissue within the upper outer region was unreamarkable on ultrasound. No solid mass seen.

I don't want to get too freaked out. Does anyone know anything about clusters of calcification? I think it's the Birad 4 rating that is getting to me too.

Thanks

Beth

buddy1

Hello Friends.  I am sorry I have MIA for a while.  After chemo I just layed low.  I have just started rads.  I have had 6 treatments.  Its exhausting.  I hope you are all doing well. 

My heart truely goes out to those of you suffering. 

I want to say thank you for remembering me. 

Love, Buddy

crusader1

Beth, My yearly mamo will be this Thursday..I can imagine how you feel.  Stay strong ...This must be so hard on you. You have been there for so many of us that YOU know we are ALL here for you.,Just loved your poem. Beth , one other question..when was your last mamo on the good breast?

Buddy. Nice to hear from you. We were all asking about you.

Rachel- WE have a pop song in America called "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" You are so pretty . I am sure some day your real prince will come. These guys can be so cruel.

Deb- How are things going for you. Have you met with any other doctors.

Stay strong..

Hugs ,

Francine

inthemoment

Pickle- I am "officially" an April girl, but first started reading the March posts here when I wasn't sure when I would start chemo.  I have continued to keep up with all of you, as I feel I knew you first!  I have only posted here once or twice, way back.  I did feel the need to comment on your bi-rads 4.  I worked as a nurse for a radiologist for two years, and saw the reasoning behind the bi-rads designations.  A 3mm area of calcification is very small, and many women have calcifications that are absolutely benign.  However, give your history, any radiologist who didn't classify you as a bi-rad 4 with new calcifications would be negligent!  A stereotactic biopsy will hopefully ease everyone's mind and put those calcs to rest!  If I can answer anything else for you, please just ask.

Rachel - I have been so sad for you, reading about your boyfriend and your breakup.  I think maybe I am less angry thinking of his usefullness as a friend for a reason from the poem.  He was there for you at such a scary time, and while he could have handled the breakup with more sensitivity (do men even know that word?), he did serve a purpose, and  I hope your pain will be less when you read the poem.

I lost a friend of 45 years a month before my diagnosis - silly argument, but we had been having some life changes and different outlooks on life for the last few years.  I did reach out to her just before I knew about the b/c and she never called me.  I have grieved the loss of someone who was a "sister" to me, whose son is my godchild, whose parents were my second set, and now there is nothing.  I thought from the poem she was a "lifetime" friend, but now I am more at peace that she was a "season" friend, and I will be thankful for that, while still sad it couldn't have been different. Sorry that I got off on that tangent, Rachel, but I was thinking how I thought that I would never get through this without her support, and yet, here it is, months later, and I am soooo strong - just like you are! 

I posted this on another board, but would like to share with you also.  It is on an outdoor bulletin board of a church near my home.  I am not particularly religious, but I am spiritual, and I pass by this everyday and it touches me.

"God never promised us a smooth journey - only a soft landing."

Here's to soft landings for us all

Geri

Dawnmrn1

Pickle-  You are in my thoughts and prayers!  Take it as it comes, you have to anyway.  Good Luck!

Rachael!  you are a strong beautiful woman, and will get thru this and beyond to better things!

pinkdove10

Hi all,

just been bust for a few days.  I have reached the halfway mark with my rads, so now.... 15 more to go!!

Rachael-  u have been getting excellent advice from all these girls.  i just want to add...'good riddence.  he does not deserve u.'

Pickle- praying for u

Hugs to all

Uma

buddy1

Hi gals.  Its raining here in Illinois today.  Here's a funny for you.  Yesterday I was laying on te rad table with my gown open.  Remember I have one tiue expander because they removed the other one when it got infected.

Well, this poor elderly woman was there for her first day and came walking in my treatment room.  When she seen me laying there she looked terrifyed.  I felt so bad for her.  I wanted to say I was like that when I came.  They didnt do it to me. 

Have  A GREAT DAY.

pickle

Geri, Thanks for your posting. It made me feel so much better. I'm sure the radiologist is being diligent in doing a steretactic biopsy. I was wondering about the calcifications because it wasn't really discussed when I was first diagnosed in my left breast in January because I was dealing with masses. I think the Birads 4 concerned me but now I understand the reasoning. I am sure that I have nothing to worry about. Besides, I had chemo so wouldn't it be a good assumption that if I had any cancer cells in the right that chemo would have taken care of it. So sorry to hear about your friend and  you are right.....Season friend. Focus on all the good moments you had with her and how you enhanced each other's lives at the time.

Francine: I had a previous mammo in January.

Deb: Let us know how it goes with the surgeon today. It's great that you are going to be having your whole team in one facility now. A teaching hospital always seems to extremely thorough and they consult with each other. This should give you a new found confidence. Good luck.

Buddy: Nice to see you back here. Thanks for the chuckle.....I know you felt bad for her but I'm sure the look on her face was priceless.

Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers. I am now ready to enjoy my day!

chick717

Hey everyone just checking in.  I got good PET scan results today, but just to be safe, followup scheduled in November.  There was low grade activity around my left lung that the doc assures me is nothing, likely irritation due to coughing or radiation leftovers.  So it's good news, but it's not quite perfect.  Instead of being thrilled, I was surprised that I felt sad and angry that there was a caveat - I didn't QUITE get cleanly over this finish line.    Well, nothing to do but keep on keeping on: eating healthy, working out and keeping positive.  

I want you to know that even though I don't post regularly, I still check on everyone and I pray for every single one of us to reach our full potential of the healthy, strong women that we are.   

ps - my hair looks EXACTLY like yours, Francine!  end of next week, I am bleaching it platinum blonde and going "topless"!! 

NanaA

My PET scan scheduled for tomorrow got cancelled because insurance denied it today.  When DR's office scheduled it with Company that does their pet scans, they forgot to tell dr's nurse they needed to get approval.  They found out today and tried to run it thru but insurance denied saying it was experimental.  The doc is going to call tomorrow and they to get approval, if not they will have to try the appeals process.  A CT found 4 small nodules on right lung and one on thyroid.  The PET was to see if they were active or old.  Now we just have to wait and wonder.  I pray were can get approval and that it shows no cancer.  I am almost done with my reg rads 23 of 25 and then have 12 boosts starting next monday.

Hugs to all .  Annette

ccbaby

Update on me....I am 7 weeks PFC now and have had 2 herceptin only treatments so far. I start radiation tomorrow and am hoping that the next 6 weeks go by fast. I have went back to work full time now instead of half days. I am still pretty tired all of the time, but I just keep pushing through it. My hair is about an inch long now and thickening up a little. I had a lot of gray coming in with the brown so I colored it yesterday. It looks much better. I still wear my wig in public, but I wanted to color it so it would look better to me when I look in the mirror. My eye twitching has went away and my taste buds are coming back. That all may change when I get further into rads. I won't be able to get my exchange from expander to implant until at least 3 months after rads are finished. My PS actually wants me to wait 6 months. I have been writing a journal online with my experience with all of this for the past 7 months. Take care everyone!

pickle

Tracy: I can understand not being quite as excited as you hoped but it sounds like all is well so far with your PET scan. It's better that we have cautious and concerned doctors that are willing to keep an eye on things.  Your attitude is amazing.Can't wait to see pics of your platinum hair! You will love going "topless"

Annette: I will be praying that the darn insurance company covers you and that all is clear. 23 of 25 rads down...good for you.

CCbaby: 6 weeks to go....probably working full time will help make the time go fast. Thinking of you. I guess if your PS wants you to wait 6 months then it's something to consider. You've come this far with reconstruction that I would hate to see any setbacks for you if you exchange too soon. Glad your tastebuds are returning....now treat yourself to your favorite thing and enjoy every morsel of it. What color did you dye your hair....you should post a pic. I have really salt and pepper and would love to color it but I think I need a bit more growth. I noticed today that it looks a little wavy....never really had that before. I find my eyebrows are returning in a rogue manner. They seem to be all growing in different directions.....may need to gel or mousse them to stay in place...lol  Is your journal a blog online? I have never really journalled....I tried but never kept it up. I have decided to do a scrapbook of this journey though....thta is when I get a little more crafty. Rachel (Sakura) has a blog. Her writing is truly amazing. She is very gifted.

ccbaby

Thanks Pickle....I have had this expander for 6 months now and it is very uncomfortable. The thought of having to wear it an additional 7 1/2 months before exchange just makes me sick. if I have to wait, then I will wait. (But I am not gonna like it ...lol)  But, I do want it to be done right.            I am a hairstylist, so I used the professional Miss Clairol color on my hair. I used a light brown color in the gray-buster series which covers gray hair better. I mainly used it to cover up the gray and keep the brown the same. When it grows out a lot more, I will probably go back to blonde. I have been putting aloe vera gel on my eyebrows and my hair. I read online that it can help with hair growth. It helps keep my eyebrows in place too.        Yes, my journal is online at caringbridge.org....I didn't start writing it until recently, so I have had to backtrack from the beginning with each entry. But I kept notes and can remember exactly how I felt throughout the whole process each day. I will have to look at Sakura's blog. She is a friend on my facebook.

sakura73

Hello all.

Beth P - thank you for your nice comment about the blog! And for the poem. I will be thinking about you on Monday, hoping for speedy confirmation that you have nothing to worry about. 

ccbaby - if you are interested my blog is at www.audivivocem.blogspot.com. I have found writing it very thereputic, though the last couple of entries are probably a bit full on and I should perhaps go back and edit them. I wish you good luck with yours.

Buddy - too funny! It is great to hear from you.

Chick - I am sorry you didn't get a complete all clear now, but I think the reality is none of us ever will - we just have to live with some uncertainty. And as you say, live healthily.

Annette - I can't believe insurance won't pay for something your doctor says you need! Hope it gets sorted out.

Bethr - yay for shoes! I wish I could blame my weight gain on fluid, but it is solid fat, alas.

Francine -  hope your mammo today goes quickly and the results are good.

inthemoment - thank you for your thoughts.

Well, three days on, and I feel in a weird sort of haze. I still wear the ring he gave me and his picture is still on my phone, which is full of the old text messages from him.  I keep looking at them compulsively. The urge to ring him at work, just to hear his voice and know he is alive,  is very strong but I have successfully resisted it so far.I have, however, rung his home number to listen to his voice on the message. I am a sad little girl, aren't I?

jdeking

Annette - hope they get the PET scan approved for you! Good luck sweetie!

Buddy - HI! Great to see you again, and hope all stays well with you! Hang in there with the rads, it feels like forever at first, but before you know it, you'll be done! That goes for you too CCbaby!

Yay bethr for the swelling diminishing. Doesn't that feel so much better?

Rachel - you are not a silly little girl! This is so understandable, as he meant so much to you and was with you in what was undoubtedly the most difficult time of your life! It is going to take time to heal from this, just as it has taken time to heal from BC! It's one thing when a break up is mutual and takes awhile in coming, but quite another when it is sudden and you are still in love! Don't berate yourself to still wanting to hear his voice. We all love you, and hope your hurting eases soon!

All- I started going topless last Friday, even though my hair looks like a pathetic crew cut. A mostly gray crew cut at that! But in this terrible heat (58 days over 100 degrees), it feels soo sooo much better. I'll attempt to color it in a couple of weeks when I have a little more growth. Also, I have CT scans for next week, but feel that they will be fine. I just hate drinking all of that barium... uuughhh!

Mom_of_boys

Ladies... always look forward to "hearing" how everyone is!

Janine... when is your cruise?  Did I miss you talking about it?

Sakura... A day at a time.  A day at a time.

Pickle... My insurance covered the Zometa infusion.  Helps with recurrence and with bone density.

Went to the cardiologist yesterday.  EKG looked okay, but I still have to do a stress test.  Yea me.  WBCs are still low which means more blood tests and possibly B shots. 

Everyone... take magnesium and fish oil capsules. 

didle20Diane

http://web.me.com/teamn/Site/Photos.html

Hi everyone.....these pictures are of the lunch I went on a few weekends ago with some of our local BC sisters.....most I met on BC.org!

In the first picture.....you will see me (purple shirt) second in....next to me is Julie my friend since 5th grade DX 3 weeks after me and on the other side is Lucia who is 15 months PFC and LOOK at her hair ladies....AND she has already had one haircut!!!! 

Hugs

Diane

pickle

Diane...great pics. You look fantastic. Lucia's hair is sooooo beautiful....15 months...wow.

jdeking

Great pics Diane!

Jan - my cruise is in 10 days (woohoo!) Can't wait. Good luck with the stress test and blood counts!

ccbaby

Thanks girls! Sakura... I will definitely check out your blog..thanks so much.

I go through my first rad treatment today. It was excruciating only because they did my markings first and then my radiation afterwards. Usually they don't start rads until the next day, but they wanted to start early on me. Anyway, I had to lay on the hard board with my arms above my head for about 2 hours total!! They let me get up once to get some feeling back. They kept reassuring me that it would not be like this from now on....only about 15 minutes. As soon as I got home I took a shower to wash off all of the markings and then I slathered aloe vera gel all over.