**NEW** Starting Chemo March 2009

didle20Diane

Deb, credit Dayla for PFC I love it and use it all the time

Karen, I have an 8AM appt tomorrow with a breast recon surgeon.  I had a mastectomy in Jan and had already had a reduction so I know all about those scars......I am on the fence about removing my good breast for a couple of reasons....first one is that I don't want to go down this road again with BC in my other breast (I am 41 with small kiddos)  two once it's gone, I can't get it back and three I know that if I do the recon on my mastectomy side they are going to have to do something with my good side anyways so why not just do them both?...UGH.  I know I need to get recon but I just need to get myself to a place where I feel good about my decision long term.  Right now I am 50/50.  I went out yesterday with some gals I met on BC.org and 3 of them had this same surgeon and all got implants and their new "sisters"  LOOKED AWESOME!

Motivation.....I have been wearing my pedometer and logged 10K steps yesterday!  I am trying to get myself back to the gym.  Gotta do it!  Deb, way to go paddling that 4 miles.  That is a great workout!

Kim and Christy, sorry you have to wait so long for surgery. Gosh this BC thing takes so long sometimes.....I am on tamox now and wish I didn't even have to deal with taking it for the next 5 years. 

hugs

Diane

ginagina

Hello everyone! got 6 pages to read....been on vacation...the lovely San Juan islands where we had no tv/internet and really, really unreliable cell phone coverage. Just back and want to catch up on everyone's happenings, but I see it is going to take me a while to read through everyone's posts. Needless to say, I missed logging in everyday and seeing all the chatter. Hope everyone is doing well.

gina

sakura73

Gina great to see you here  - glad to know you've had a lovely holiday in the sun!

Pickle and others - on the question of depression and motivation - I went for my last Zoladex injection yesterday and the fertility doctor warned me that is very very common for women to 'crash' as it were after the formal hospital treatments finish. She said people are able to be brave and positive while in active treatment but when ostensibly returning to 'normal life' all of a sudden depression hits. She said it can take up to 6 months, and that if it happens to me I shouldn't feel bad about myself for it - it is natural and understandable and it will pass. It sounds like a lot of women here are experiencing this right now. I am thinking of of you very much.

Diane and others - well done on the exercise!

I had my ninth Taxol today. There was a more experienced nurse there and she gave me the pre-meds more slowly and I didn't have the weird leg sensation. Only three more to go now. Yay.

My best friend had her second baby yesterday. I got to hold him when he was only an hour old. It was the most beautiful, wonderful, breathtaking thing to look down at him in my arms. It made me feel so calm. I could have held him forever.

I was right about wearing out my boyfriend's good will. He has asked me for some space - doesn't want to be in contact for a while ( we don't live together). He did this after I emailed him asking if something was wrong because he was becoming so distant. We got together right when I was diagnosed and it was such a glorious blessing that I have sometimes wondered whether he was a gift I was given while going through the initial horrors of  surgery and chemo, and that when that was over I wouldn't get to keep him. Right now it feels like I was right. I'm very weepy about it - and I am a messy crier so I look even weirder than normal!

I'm desperately in love with him and I find the thought of being without him horrifying, so I am hoping, hoping that he'll want to keep things going, but if this year has taught me anything it is that there are many things I can't control, and this is one of them. If he doesn't want to be with me, if I don't make him happy, nothing I do can change that. So I am forcing myself to respect his wishes and not contact him, and I am not posting on FB or my blog either so that he won't have any news of me that way and will need to contact ME if he decides he wants to know how I am. Perhaps that is passive aggressive, but I figure that if he doesn't want me to contact him he doesn't get to have news of me by secondary means. He doesn't read here, of course, so I hope you all don't mind me blathering on about it!

There's spring in the air here today. I send much warmth to you all.

bethr

Good Morning All!

 NYDeb - A rewind button!!!  Wouldn't that be nice.  

Karen - Although I haven't had reconstruction yet, I understand your feelings completely.  Everyone deserves the occassional melt-down.

have a great day all!

Beth

pinkdove10

Hi all

9 dowm...21 to go

Karen...i am so sorry... hope things get better for u.

Motivation is what i actually need too... just the thaugh of going to the gym is putting me to sleep.. i wish there was some body to push me to do it... have to do it on my own.

What does PFC stan for, gals.  i am still trying to figure.

Uma

jdeking

((((Karen)))) while you go through this emotional time. Please feel free to rant here, we all understand your frustration, and can listen to you whenever you need.

 Gentle hugs Rachel - I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, and hope that your BF clears his head while he spends time apart, and realizes what a wonderful thing he has with you!

 Nice to see you again Gina, and MOB, and all who are readjusting to life after active treatment.

I have just 2 rads left, and will look forward to moving on with life.

jdeking

Oh yes - Uma - PFC= Post F***ing Chemo referring to how long you are since last chemo treatment.

Alyad

I don't think I came up with the PFC- I saw it on another thread somewhere. I can't begin to remember where. I am 2 months PFC today!!! Whoohoo! my eyebrows fell out about 2 weeks ago but are comingback with a venegence. The brazilian is gone, the legs are super hairy but armpits are still hairless.

Tomorrow I will be halfway done with rads! I feel good today but have been feeling really down and tired off and on since starting rads. I am finding it harder than I thought it would be, but at least it will be over soon.

 Rachel, so sorry to hear of your relationship problems- You are an amazing woman! I so admire your dedication to keeping life in your relationship through chemo- I lurk mostly on the mojo thread but I have felt guilty at times for letting that area laspe somewhat in my marriage. If this guy lets you go he is a BFI- big effing idiot!

pickle

I just made a looong post and poof it was gone....darn it!

Well it sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat right now. A bit of depression and lack of motivation. Rachel, your fertility doctor sounds like he said about the same as my doctor.

I have been beating myself up constantly for not jumping back into life full steam. I had a chat with my PCP and had a bit of a meltdown. He said that all of this emotion and struggling to get going is completely normal. He explained it as part of the grieving/healing process. It takes time to absorb all that has happened and it is common to grieve for the loss of our former life and body parts etc.  I guess I have been grieving the losses but didn't quite know what to call it. I have felt terribly guilty for feeling this way and have been extremely hard on myself about it. He also said that we feel the pressure of everyone's expectations. We get through treatment and everyone expects us to be "normal" again. During treatment most of us have kept up a positive attitude and reassured our family and friends that we are doing well. We were busy with appointments, research, and doing whatever was neccessary to make the best of our diagnosis and treatment. Then when it's done or near done, you reach the point of being so sick of dealing with this crap that you just crash....an emotional crash. He thinks it's a release of pent up feelings and fears. He also said that there is a great deal of pressure that is put upon us from others expectations of how we should be living our life now. We are expected to be chipper all the time, grateful, eat super healthy, become fitness nuts and just get on with the rest of our lives. He said that Cancer people often feel scrutinized for everything they do or don't do. Have you ever seen an obese person order a supersize macdonalds meal......people look at them and wonder how can they do that when they know it's bad for them. Do they really need that much food? Well in a way, we get judged by what we do now. Have a glass of wine....have a burger...not go to the gym.....oh the looks!!! And then I just feel guilty. I am sure people wonder why  someone who has had cancer do something that is not good for them?

My friends don't really understand why I may not feel like doing all the social things that I did before. I have been busy and getting out with them but not as often as before. I don't wear a wig or scarf anymore and it doesn't bother them or me . But I do feel that if I have been out too long, I  reach a point where I have had enough of people looking at me and I just want to go home. We went to dinner with 6 friends last week and it was great, We left the restaurant and went to a local festival...just walked around. I suddenly felt a bit of panic and told DH that I wanted to go home. We got back to our car and I burst into tears. The festival was busy and I had enough of people looking at me. It's not that people are being mean it's just that I get kind of tired of the doubletakes. People just don't understand that you may not have the energy or mindset yet to participate in all things that were normal before. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful and feel so lucky to have this behind me but I really do think I am also grieving the losses and reeling from the impact this has had on my life.

I think even my DH doesn't understand what I'm dealing with. He is a very positive guy and doesn't have a clue why I would be feeling a bit down at times. He just thinks this is all done....let's move on. I want to...I really ....do but I realize that I need a little help....a push of sorts to get me going.

I told my PCP that we have this great group of gals on this site and he thought it was really important to connect with people that have been going through the same thing. We can really help each other get going.

I have already felt inspired by all of you. There is comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

I put my pedometer on and have been taking the dogs for walks daily. It's a start. I think I have to start focusing on doing things that I enjoy and not just doing the things I know I "have" to do. Balance is what I need. So I will commit to doing a bit of the "have to do" stuff each day and I will also make sure I do something that I find joyful and fun to do. I started making a scrapbook of photos and I am really enjoying it. I am the least crafty person you would ever meet but I am doing it for myself. The pages may not be the most creative and artistice but I am finding great joy in going through old photos and piecing them together. It's a great walk down memory lane and it is wonderful to see all the family and friends smiles. Events and Celebrations that have been shared by those that are meaningful in my life.

Rachel: Sorry that the BF is taking a break. You are a wonderful gal and he has been lucky to have you in his life. I agree with Alyad......You are a great catch and he will be a BFI if he doesn't realize it.

Alyad: Mojo.....It's been so long I'm not sure I still have it in me. Hopefully if it returns I'll recognize it!

Diane; 10,000 steps....impressive. I like the pedometer because it's measurable and makes me feel like I am getting somewhere. I only put it on for my walks...yesterday 5812 steps....my goal will be 10,000. I think that's the magic number they talk about as a healthy daily dose.

Perhaps we could all post what we are doing on a daily basis regarding exercise, nutrition etc. I think it would be  a great motivational tool.

Sorry for such a long and somewhat dreary post but I do feel better just putting it all out there.

You gals are the best.

bethr

Beth (Pickle)...

 I just read your post and I have to say your words described almost exactly how I've been feeling.  I almost started to cry reading it here at work.  Just about all the emotions and wants you described have really been getting to me lately and this morning during my RAD treatment I kept thinking about it and realized I'm simply spent and just need to cool down and take it easy on myself.  And...  be a little more patient with life right now...

 Thanks so much for that long post.  I needed to read something like that.  It helps me so much.

 I hope you all have a great day!!!

Beth...

kim40

Hey Ladies

Beth - I know how you feel.  As I said on FB - you are so brave for not wearing a hat or scraf around anymore.  I also told you that I haven't had the courage to do that yet.  I only took my scraf off the other night in front on my 13 year old son because it was soooooo hot here - I just couldn't bear it on my head anymore.  My husband sees me and now my son.  but that is it.  My own parents haven't seen me like this yet.  It's not that I am in denial of what I been through, or don't want anyone to know, maybe for me - its being shy. I agree with you about people checking out what you are doing or eating.   I can't even have a drink of soda in peace!

Rachel - Sorry to hear about your BF.  I hope he realizes what an amazing person you truly are and how lucky he is to have you. 

As for Mojo - I'm with Beth - I don't know if I have it in me either!!

All the best ladies - we are all in this together. 

jdeking

Here here Pickle!

That was a wonderful summation of just what it feels like right now! You put it beautifully. This is a hard adjustment, going from being a cancer patient, to being a cancer survivor. I think we all feel this way at some point. Tired of the looks... of the scrutiny... of the judging....

Good for you for getting back to walking, and starting a new hobby. That is a perfect distraction from all of this BC mess!

crusader1

Hi ladies,

Gina..Nice to see you back on the board

Pickle- sorry to hear about your feelings. Luckily in my case the more social things I do the more back to normal I feel. I had a single mastectomy and am in the process of getting my third implant put in.(two have failed) It will come all together eventually. I did make the decision concerning my other breast. I will do nothing now but at the first sign of any kind of problem even something benign or a false negative I will have it removed.As a matter of fact my yearly mamo will be next week. Ladies I have been in the BC mode for almost a year. That is depressing.

I am 62 and I must say my MOJO has been on vacation for a long time ..It was there prior to all my surgeries and treatments but now.....

My hair is still very short. I go out with a little hat on. My husband would prefer my wig on but I refuse to wear it unless I am going someplace special. I must say I look terrific in my wig.

Ladies- I do have a problem. PFC has brought me many infections ..mrsa, pneumonia, and now a boil under my arm where my lymph nodes were dissected. The oncologist said it had nothing to do with immunity. But now she seems to be changing her mind. My white blood count is good. Has anyone had any infections which they never had before?

Stay strong,

Hugs,

Francine

reeney77

i probably should be posting this on the reconstuction board but i wanted to update you all on my surgery. i had my tissue expanders removed and the implants put in. at first glance, i'm not impressed. i don't think they are a C like i asked for and they don't look even. the dr said not to panic about the asymetry right now - to give it time - one side might be more swollen than the other. wanted to know if anyone else who got their implants felt that they were kinda flat? i know i got the high projection ones but they don't look like it. i guess i should just wait and see what they turn out to be - i just thought they'd look bigger at first and then would settle in. mine look already settled.

nasharayne

Sakura - so sorry to hear about your BF.  I guess sometimes it gets hard for them too.  Hopefully he will come to his senses soon.

pinkdove10

sorry to sound like such a dud...but what is 'MOJO' ?

jdeking...thanks.

10 down...20 to go

hugs and love to all

Uma

sakura73

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I have as yet had no contact from him - meanwhile I couldn't help myself and texted him this morning saying I hoped the break was giving him what he wanted and that  I wouldn't contact him again until he invited me to. He hasn't responded, of course, so I can only hope that he is well and finding the time apart beneficial. 

Pickle I too find that a point comes when I can't bear to be looked at any more. So far I only go bald in the gym, but yesterday I really felt everyone's looking and then looking away. I admire you for being out and about so much. And yes, the pressure to do EVERYTHING PERFECTLY is driving me mad. 

pinkdove - MOJO means sex drive!

reeney sorry to hear you are feeling disappointed in them. I have no experience myself with implants but hope others can chime in.

Dawnmrn1

sakura!  Sorry about the BF, I hope he wakes up and realizes what he is loosing!  Good Luck!

pickle!  Aren't you brave for going out without a wig! I see people at rads doing it, not me I look like a Q-Tip!!! lol! I know how you feel, sometimes I feel like a stranger living my life, I am going thru the motions, but I am not really there!!! Everyone is nice and supportive, but they don't understand. I am 23/33 rads so I am still in TX! So the let down hasn't hit yet!  I go to the PS today, to talk about reconstruction!  I don't know what I want! No flap!

Everyone Good Luck and keep fighting!  Love, Dawn

pinkdove10

sakura- thanks. good luck with yr life. hope yr problem reduces

jdeking

Dawn - Q-tip, ha! That is just how my head looks too!

Reeny - my friends w/implants say it takes several weeks for them to 'settle down' and start looking normal. Hang in there, I am sure they will be beautiful!

Francine - Hi! Nice to see you feeling a bit more back to normal! I haven't had any problems with infections that I never had before. Sounds awful! But if your WBC looks good, then ??? Hope she can come up with some answers for you! Boils hurt, I sympathize.

Last day of rads for me, I am so happy. Tomorrow I will sleep in and just enjoy my day without having to rush off to a treatment!

jdeking

Deb - let us know how you're doing when you have a chance!

Rachel - good luck with BF, hopefully he is having great moments of reflection during his time apart, and will return to you with renewed vigor!

MichelleinSJ

Hello All!  Back from the ranch.  Ahh, it was so grand!  I couldn't swim or be in the sun, but I had a blast hiking and horseback riding and fishing and socializing.  Lots of fun!

Rachel:  I hope bf comes to his senses soon.  He made it this far, he's got to stick around to see the healthiest you!

Pickle Beth, thanks for that wonderful post.  It says it all.

Diane:  Motivation!  That's actually not what I need right now, unfortunately.  I am exhausted, and can't figure out which med is doing it.  I'm on tamoxifen, and I'm still taking 25 mg of zoloft a day while I wean myself from it to effexor.  Something has got me drained, I'm sleeping constantly.  My brain is tired, my body is not as bad.  Until I started the effexor I was going to the gym everyday, so maybe that's it.

Francine:  I hope you start feeling better soon.

Hair:  I'm pleased with how mine is coming in, and I'm no longer wearing anything on my head.  I just look like I have really, really short hair.  I think I look weird in my wig, so I don't want to wear it when I can avoid it.

Michelle

pickle

Thank you all for your kind responses to my loooong post. I am sorry that some of you are going through the same feelings as me right now but it is also comforting to know that I am not alone. I know it will get better and I think I am putting the tools in place to help. I had a long and tearful talk with my husband last night and I think he's right about one thing.....I am putting alot of pressure on myself. He said I need to take time for me and not worry about everyone else's expectations. He doesn't expect everything to be back to normal right now and he said I shouldn't either. So for now, with his support, I will do things daily that I enjoy and throw in a couple of "have to do" things along the way. Yesterday I baked bread and rolls, made some squares, did laundry, cleaned house, went for a walk and sorted more photos. All in all it was a good productive day. The funny thing about baking is that I enjoy it...but I don't particularly like sweets. My hubby has a wicked sweet tooth so he loves it. Next week I think I will go shopping for a bathing suit (mastectomy suit....yech!) and get myself to the YMCA pool. If hubby keeps eating all the baked goods he will have to join me for laps!

Jdeking: Yeah...last rads.Give yourself a well deserved day of whatever you wish tomorrow. I am sure it will be wonderful not having to adhere to a schedule.

Dawn: Good luck with the PS. I still don't know what I want to do either. I haven't made the decison for recon yet...still waffling back and forth on it.

Michellin: Sounds like a wondereful holiday full of fun and adventure.

Francine:  I haven't had any infections so I don't know what to suggest. Hopefully your doc is keeping on top of it. A boil....ouch. I had one once (can't say where...lol) but it hurt like heck. Hope you feel better soon.

Reeney: I hope everything settles down for you. I haven't gone through recon yet but I'm sure those who have will be helpful. I bet it just takes time for the implants to settle in.

Rachel: Sorry that you haven't heard from BF. Maybe he just needs some space to let all of this settle in. Cancer affects all those around us too and it is hard to come to terms with. I too hope he comes to his senses.

Gina: nice to see you back and glad to hear that you are enjoying the summer with your family. I suppose it's alomost time to get the kids ready for back to school.

Kim: Good for you for taking on the CIBC run for the Cure. You will have all of us walking along side you in spirit.

Beth R: You are on the right track....patience...and be good to yourself .

Thank you all again for being great listeners and responders. You are the boost I desperately needed.You will never know how much I appreciate it.

Wishing everyone a day filled with love and joy.

Beth P

xoxoxo

7timewinner

pickle, your post was so spot on.

we took the kids to the river tonight for a stroll and some ice cream...and sure enough, everyone was staring at me, even though I was wearing a scarf.

I had a minor panic attack...dizzy, fast heart rate, wanted to vomit. What I really wanted to do was run back to the van and drive home. I feel like being in social situations is becoming very challenging for me. I've never been a very social person, but now it feels very uncomfortable.

So glad to read what your doctor said to you, and hope this passes quickly for all of us. Thanks for sharing your story,

Nadine

kduling

Hi everyone:

I'm a bit more positive now 2 weeks after reconstruction surgery.  The PS assured me that they will look OK (he's a perfectionist)....that they haven't "settled" yet and the fake nipple will shrink, etc.   After I took off the steri-strips, etc....it does look so much better.

Reeney:   HANG IN THERE....I was so disappointed with my reconstruction, but it's starting to look better.   I think after all we've been through we look at reconstruction as the GOOD thing, and then when it isn't pretty immediately we get a bit down.

Pickles:  I'm with you....I think your doc is right....we've been though so much and haven't had time (or energy) to focus on it much...now that we're done with treatment we kind of have that "let down".   I think it is really great we have each other and so many of us are going through this right now together.   My hubby says I should join a local support group, but I work full time and take full time graduate classes (plus I'm a mom)...who has time?

Thanks to everyone for listening!   I'll try to get a "bald" picture up soon!   I totally walk around like GI Jane all the time now.   I don't even care.   I actually have had a little bit of the opposite reaction, where people that might have just walked by me in the halls without speaking are now saying "hi".....I can tell I get the "sympathy" from them.   That's OK.   I actually get a lot of compliments now too (on what I'm wearing, etc.)...I think people are TRYING to make me feel better (which is nice....encourages me about humanity!).

Hugs to all
Karen

Anonymous

Beth (pickle)    I loved your post.  Where do we send the co pay to?  I printed it out to save for later when I really finish.  When I left my last chemo , or so I thought , the nurse warned me of depression and other feelings.  My DH was like is she kidding, why would you feel anything but elated.  I guess it's hard to explain more less understand.  It sounds like your DH is wonderful.

Janine  That is so great that you are done with rads.  I hope you celebrated appropriately!

I went to see another onco yesterday for a second opinion and possible transfer of services.  She is absolutely fabulous.  I am so impressed and wonder why I ever put up with my onc for so long.  She went over all the steps that have been taken so far and without totally berating my onc , she said that she would have prescribed a different regime for me.  It is at a teaching hospital.  You can tell that she loves what she does and is so excited about new advances for triple negative that are on the horizon.

Dawn and Luvtosing :  remember way back when we had a discussion about your Drs being warm and fuzzy .  I thought those kind didn't exist and you guys were crazy. I am so happy to say that I was wrong.   Yesterday at my appointment, my new onc walks in and first thing she rearranges everyone in the examining room so I can sit next to her.  She is very touchy feely, something I have so not encountered.  When I left she hugged me and said she felt like she had know me forever. 

So, next week we start the adriamycin , farewell fair hair.  Oh well, 8 short weeks and it will be over.

pickle

Good Morning gal pals:

I went out to dinner last night with my 2 closest girlfriends and it was great. I finally spilled my thoughts and feelings to them. I hadn't done so before because I didn't want to sound whiny and bring them down. Boy was I wrong. I should have given them more credit. They were so understanding and helpful. So between letting it all out here and letting my dear buddies in on my true feelings....I feel somewhat renewed. Again, I can't thank you all enough for your warmth and understanding. It just feels great to have released it all. On a light note....we ordered mini desserts....when the waiter brought the bill he said the desserts are on the house. He said that he saw a few tears and thought we deserved a break....so sweet and kind of him! Sometimes the near bald look has benefits...lol!

Karen: What a difference a couple of weeks make. Glad you are are feeling more poitive and confident with your new recon.

Deb: What a relief for you to have found a warm and fuzzy onc. Good for you for making the change. It probably wasn'y an easy decision because sometimes we can feel quite intimidated by docs. Glad you are a warrior and still taking charge! And your attitude about more chemo is amazing!

Nadine: I know the feeling...panic....fast heartrate etc. Do as much or as little of what you want to do. I am really getting the sense that this too will pass. Time and patience!

Quote of the Day:  A friend is someone who knows all about you  and loves you anyway~ Author Unknown~

Best wishes for a good day today.

Beth P

pinkdove10

12 rads done ....looking forward to enjoying my weekend

bethr

Hi All...

Uma - congrats on your 12 RADS..  I'm right behind you with 8 done..  25 left... 

NYDEB - I'm so happy that you've found an onc you feel better with.  It's so important.  My onc is actually one of 5 and I can meet with any one of them when I go for an appt.  It bothered me at first, but they keep a pretty good eye on all their patients and I like them all.  There are favorites of course, but they're all good (In my opinion anyway).  I always liked them because they've always been straight with me, simply telling me what the deal is.  And a couple of them are very funny which I really appreciate.

Pickle - Your DH sounds wonderful and I'm really happy you were able to 'unload' with your friends.  I can say that although I don't have a DH (sigh...  I'd love one), my friends and family have been absolutely wonderful and so supportive.  Thankfully, their expectations of me have been just to take care of myself and get well and they'll be there for me.  I have to thank you again for your previous post.  I really helped me realize how impatient and frustrated I was getting with everything.  This gave me the chance to just give a huge sigh and let everything happen in it's own time. 

All - I have you all have a fantastic weekend.

 Beth

 PS - Oh!  and I have to add that I FINALLY officially have some stubble on my head!!!  Most of it's white (I've been coloring my hair for years so this is no surprise).   But it's there!!!  yay!!!

MichelleinSJ

Deb, I'm glad you found a new onc that you like.  That's so important.

Tonight I'm going to see the Time Traveler's Wife.  Has anyone seen it?  That is one of my all-time favorite books.

Have a great weekend!

Michelle