**NEW** Starting Chemo March 2009

PattiB

Deb - So glad you found an onc. that you like.  My onc, NP, and BS are all wonderful women that are very considerate and caring, I feel so lucky to have them on my team. 

MichelleinSJ - I read the Time Traveler's Wife this summer and so did my DD.  We had both just finished it and went to the movie last Friday.  We both were a bit dissappointed in the movie, but I guess there is just too much "time" to cover.  I wonder what someone who didn't read the book thinks of the movie.  I really liked the book too, and both my sisters' said that it was one of their favorite reads.  Have fun at the movies!!

Have a great weekend all. 

NanaA

I have been reading but not posting much.  Too much going on.  They found a nodule on my lung when they did ct for my rads.  Did a more detailed one and found 4 nodules not  just one.  Have to have a pet scan on the 27th  .  A wonderful way to spend my 43rd anniversary.  They also see a nodule on my thyroid , 2 slightly enlarged lymph nodes in chest and 2 very small undetermined area on liver.  Trying not to worry.  Had someone on the rads site say same thing happened to her and turned out to be nothing.  Since I am in the middle of rads enlarged lymph nodes are not surprising.  The lungs can be from things years ago and thyroid can be easily taken care of if it is something.  So I am trying to be positive instead of negative, but can still use all your prayers.  Just trying to get trhu each day.  Finished rad #20 out of 37 today and still not even pink. One more week of regular and the 12 boosts spread over 3 weeks after that.  Also today they had the nerves in my legs tested to see if I had neuropathy from chemo.  They said no permanent damage, but the test was extremely painful .  I have been still having pain in legs but it has been getting better, so was glad to hear no permanent damage.  They will look for other causes if pain does not continue to diminish.

My husband who bakes as a hobby wants to go to see julia and Julie this weekend.  I \t will be nice to do something fun  out for a change.  Lately we have not done much besides work, go to docs or radiation and come home.

Have a good weekend everyone.  Annette 

Dawnmrn1

NYDeb!  So glad you found a good onc, I remember our discusion early on! I still love mine!

Nadine!  Sorry about your attack!  Anxiety is so hard to deal with!  So far I keep on my wig and no one seems to notice me!  I guess that is good! Hang in there this too shall pass!

Michelle! I want to see that movie too!  Enjoy!

Pickle!  Aren't good friends wonderful, mine have sustained me thru this ordeal!

I went to the PS yesterday and he wants to reconstruct my left side and revise my right! He said he could do it in Nov. 2 months after rads!  He wants to inject fat from my abdomen  into my left chest to expand it then put an implant in in 4 months! I would love to do it!  I want to talk to my onc and BS before I decide. My Dh and DD are all for it!  Maybe I would feel better about myself??? I hate all the prosthesis, bras and asymetry.  This too shal pass! 

Have a great weekend! Love, Dawn

pickle

BethR: Yeah for stubbles on your head. Mine is salt and pepper but man it feels good to have some. Enjoy!

Michellin: I haven't seen it but I love Rachel McAdams and the book was great. Have a good time and I look forward to your review.

Dawn: I still haven't committed to recon yet....just got my PS appointment...friggin January. That's a long wait for a consult. I think you are right on with consulting with your onc and BS first. take your time and you'll make the decision that is best for you.

Annette: I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. Your attitude is amazing and inspiring. I absolutely will be praying for a good outcome and I am sending warm hugs and positive thoughts your way. Have fun at the movies. I want to see that one as well. So nice that you have a hubby who is passionate about cooking. It's probably quite a good escape for him and you reap the benefits of great food. Win Win situation!

Well I had to go for mammo and ultrasound on my remaining breast today and I am now scheduled for core biopsy on Sept 1st. The radiologist was great and I really liked her. She said she doesn't really think  it's too much to worry about but given my history she wants to be certain. Apparently there is a small calcification on the upper outer quadrant....she stressed it was small so I am clinging to her encouraging words and not getting too freaked out about it. Annette has such a great outlook on her situation that I can't even fathom dwelling on mine.

Tomorrow is my SIL's 50th birthday party. 60's theme....woohoo! Should be fun. I am getting dressed in 60's garb but I am saying NO to any headgear...I will sport my salt n' pepper ultrashort hairdo and my tie dye shirt, with peace and love beads! Wonder if there will be any medicinal marijuana there...It is a 60's gathering for goodness sake.....lol

Wishing you all a fabulous weekend and asking you all to send extra prayers and positive thoughts for Annette. Thank you

Beth P

My Mantra used to be "This is Doable" now it's "This too shall pass" ( I stole it from Dawn)

jdeking

Hugs Annette and Beth(pickle)!!!!! I am going to say many prayers for you that everything is b9 and/or scar tissue! My thoughts are with you ladies!

crusader1

Ladies,

Thanks for all the good vibes re my boil. It is fine now.

Speaking of doctors.. my BS is definitely warm and fuzzy.( She is the one who cut too much during my mastectomy and gave me necrosis )  My onco is very competent but not warm nor fuzzy. But they say she is good.

Pickle.. I do hope things work out for you.

 I have my mamo this Thursday. I made the decision a while back that once there is any problem with my other breast I will have it removed.. whether the news is good or bad. I am not going to go through this stuff again. I guess that is why women have doubles to begin with.

Nana..keep up your good spirits and lets hope all turns our for the best. You are definitely in our prayers.

Ladies- Has anyone heard from Buddy. She hasn't posted for some time..

 I too have the short salt and pepper stuff. I love putting my fingers thru it. Not ready to go out in public but soon.

Everyone enjoy your weekend. Going out to dinner tonight with my DH.

Hugs to all..

Francine

Anonymous

Annette and Beth   So sorry to hear of all your issues.  It is very scary waiting and hoping.  I'll say an extra prayer for you both.  Reading what you are both going through right now helps me keep things in perspective.

That being said, I need to unload.  I had a phone call from my " wonderful" new onc yesterday, less than 24 hours after meeting with her.  She said that their pathology department( at her hospital)  reviewed my slides from my re-incision surgery and contrary to the other hospitals path report they found more cancer cells.  I swear if I didn't have bad luck , I wouldn't have any at all.  So, after 8 months I am back to where I started.  4 months of chemo did nothing.  2 surgeries did nothing.   How can one path dept. say absolutely no cancer found in a specimen and the other say extensive.  You have to wonder if that is how recurrences happen.  I know again that I am very fortunate to have switched oncs or they would never have known and again perhaps this will save me.

I have always been the "cup half full" portion of our marriage.  So, today I am totally freaking my poor hubby out.  He keeps telling me to keep my spirits up, even told me once today to buck up.  I just want to say I love you sooooo very much, but just let me be down for a while.  He's trying so hard.  We spent the afternoon indulging to make me feel better.  We spent 2 hours out on the boat and swam in the middle of the lake( yeah I know , "stay out of the sun").  When we came home we had "sex on the beach"  - the alcoholic beverage not the act of. Then my DH made ribs for dinner.

Monday will be here soon enough and I will start over with the Dr merry-go-round and see what the next step is.  Can I get a refund on my ticket to this amusement park?  Sorry for the whine, just had to let it out .

Dawnmrn1

Deb!  In plain English, that sucks!!! What was that old onc thinking!  You have a law suit here! They should not make an error like that, you should be thru this with the right chemo!  I have been a RN for 30 years and stories like yours make me crazy!  Sorry for the rant! People are supposed to do their jobs well! I would have your present onc contact your old onc and confir on your case! 

Someones head needs to roll besides yours! Thank God you changed oncs, this probably saved your life.  This new doc will straighten you out and do right by you I am sure!  Take it one step at a time, and you deserve to be down, this is a shock!  Time will help and this will be over!  My heart goes out to you and your husband,he probably would change places with you if he could, I know how my husband was on my second DX!!! He would indulge me anyway he could too!!!  Hang in there love, this too shall pass!!!!

Annette and Beth! You guys hang in there too, this disease is so hard to take you can't get away from it , it seems to take us over! be strong, and it may not be as bad as you think!

My prayers are with you all!  Hugs! Dawn

Luv2sing

Hello Everyone,

Haven't had a chance to catch up on all the posts, but everyone seems to be feeling similar.  I'm just getting home from the hospital ... not for me but for my husband.  I started rads on Thursday morning and he was rushed to the hospital Thursday nite.  He has Congestive Heart Failure and was having an "episode".  They are saying they will discharge him tomorrow ... I'm losing my mind trying to think of how to take care of both of us cause he was the one taking care of me.  We are having financial issues and the doctors will be sending him home with new 'expensive' medications, but oh well, we have to do what we have to do.  It did take my mind off me for awhile and now my DH has no choice but to follow a healthy lifestyle, exercise and no drinking.  I'm loving this!  I'm looking forward to taking walks with him and introducing him to soy products . 

Sorry to read some of the situations you all are going thru, but keep your head up and always remember ... it could be worse.  I'll be checking back when I get a moment. 

Alyad

Deb, that sucks!! There is no other way to say it! When I was having a hard time with rads the other day  I told my DH- this is harder than I thought it would be. And he said he'd do the treatments for me if he could- so sweet.  I don't know what to say about your slides- have you considered having a third look at them just to be sure? Two such opposite interpretations!

I had  a good day- one of my best friends who went hiking for the last two months in Montana came home early (she intended to be gone for 5 months but her and bf decided they were done for this year), so she just got back and we all went hiking at the nearby state forest. A nothing little hike for them and butt kicking for me and DH. then we ate at Chinese buffet to satisfy their hiker hunger and then stopped by at my BIL and SIL's who had some of our other friends over. I had seen them all last weekend and had gone bald all weekend, but they all marveled at how much my hair and eyebrows had grown in a week! 

Dayla

kduling

If I can remember how to get the picture in here, I'm going to attach what my hair looks like!  My last chemo was May 28th.....

:-)  Karen

 

crusader1

Hi Deb,

So sorry for all the problems you are having. We are all behind you and hope that your doctors do get to the bottom of all this.

Maybe you can clarify some stuff for us. Weren't you about to begin a new regimen of chemo? Was that due to finding more cells. If not why were you starting over.

One thing I do remember from the fall. When I had my lumpectomy and the margins were not clear my results went before a tumor board. That meant a number of doctors read the findings and gave their opinion. This was done at a local cancer center. Have any others had tumor boards look at your results.

Maybe a third opinion would be a good suggestion.

Oh Deb, I am sure we all would like refunds to this ride. Great analogy. Sounds like your husband is really trying to cheer you up. This is a very difficult time for us ladies.

Raymon..Hope things work out better for your husband. If he needs expensive meds do check with the manufacturer as many have plans for those who cannnot afford these drugs. Also always check if there are generics ..

Hugs to all,

Francine

sakura73

Deb I am so sorry to hear your news, but thank God for your new onco who found the rogue cells and will deal with them. And thank God for your lovely husband. But you should totally give yourself permission to be as down as you like. My sentinel node biopsy came up negative at first but they did further stainings which revealed lots of cancer cells. Apparently different pathology labs use different tests, some more accurate than others and only used where  there is a strong suspicion there will be cancer cells there. Maybe ask what tests the new results are based on?

Raymon apparently men are not meant to have much soy. Get your hubby on to rice milk. Hope he is improving, and that your finances work out okay.

I know this is nothing compared to what Deb and others are dealing with, but today it is a week since I spoke to my boyfriend or had any contact from him. I cracked and rang him tonight. HE HUNG UP ON ME without even saying hello. Just rejected the call. He then texted saying he would ring me tomorrow after work. I texted back saying don't bother.  I really needed to hear his voice saying something kind. He couldn't even give me one minute. For all he knew I was seriously ill, he still doesn't even know how last week's chemo went.

 I feel so so so so so so awful tonight.  I wish I hadn't texted him don't bother. I am scared he won't ring me ever.  I am scared I should dump HIM for being such an arse.  I am bald and fat and so unattractive. I can't stop crying. So much for being an independent woman.

reeney77

sakura - wish i could tell you something to make you feel better. you are not fat, not bald, and certainly not unattractive. if he can't be here for this, then he doesn't deserve to have you. and if he doesn't ring you again because of your text, he is a coward. he could have at least asked how you were. i'm all for giving someone space if they need it but he should also show that he cares too.  keep yourself positive and don't let him get you down. i know, easy for me to say.

ChrisC433

Sakura:  It sounds like this might be a wake up call in your relationship.  Maybe this is his true light shining through.  You shouldn't have to spend so much energy on someone that loves you unconditionally.  My advice...move on.  That one right person is still out there waiting to be found!

Deb:  You really need to have someone check your whole file.  The point of doing neoajunctive therapy is to shrink the tumor and attack you system first.  The onc should have been able to tell that the chemo was not affecting your tumor and switched drugs midstream.  I don't think he was following through very well.  AND having 2 completely different path reports scares me.  You need another opinion to sort things out.  I agree that you have a lawsuit here.  Someone was not doing there job very well and the only one that suffered is you.  Unfortunately sometimes a lawsuit is the only way to make them open their eyes that they need to do a better job.

Raymon:  Sorry to hear about your husband.  Hang in there.  I know the more I had to take care of my family the less I felt like a patient.  Check on drugs fees...manufacturers, heart association, etc.  You can usually find some assistance.

Dayla:  I know how you feel about rads.  I've gone 6 times:  had to go back in the afternoon twice, waited an hour once, and one day it was canceled:  all because the machine was not working right.  It's bad enough that I have to go everyday, but worse when you don't even now if things are going to go on as planned.  There isn't another rad center close enough to change.  This was supposed to be a state of the art center.  I loved the chemo suite.  The rad suite is nice, just not reliable.

Hugs to all!

Chris

pickle

Deb: I am so sorry to hear your news. I can only imagine how this has shaken your confidence in the system to the core. I just don't understand how 2 oncs can read the same path and come to such a different conclusion. Thank goodness you found a new onc that you are comfortable with and who has taken the time to do a full review...indeed this is a life saver. It may be helpful to make a list of questions for your next visit so you can be totally clear on her evaluation and what the plan is to rectify this for you.

I am typically a cup 1/2 full person as well but I finally had to tell my hubby that I just can't be up all the time. I had a good cry....a really long sobbing good cry and he just listened and didn't offer any advice for that time. It was a big relief just too let it out and then I was able to pull up my socks and get on with the day.  It's hard for our guys to see us go through this and not be able to fix it. It sounds like your DH is helping by taking control of the day and doing some special things for you but maybe you just need to be comforted. If you want to say I love you so much ...but right now I need a good cry, some arms to hold me and no words of advice to be spoken...then tell him. Let him be what you need for him to be right now. He is probably is so scared right now and trying to do what he can to make you feel better.

Don't apologize here for blowing off some steam. You have every right to and that's what we're here for. Thinking of you and sending warm wishes and positive vibes your way.

Sex on the beach.....I see you still have your sense of humour...lol

Raymon: I hope your hubby is doing okay. You certainly have a plate full. Maybe this lifestyle change for your hubby will be a turning point for his better health.  Hugs and blessings

Dayla; So nice to hear you had a wonderful day full of things you like to do.

Karen: Hair, Hair, Hair.....you look marvellous!

Rachel: So what if you texted him "don't bother". If he has any balls he'll man up and call anyway. Don't beat yourself up. This is a very emotional and trying time for you and he should understand that. If he doesn't, then possibly he is not quite mature enough for you.  You are a beautiful gal who has a lot to offer....don't ever forget that. Your emotions are running high now but trust that this too shall pass. I just sent a big hug to you.....do you feel it.  

Beth P

ccbaby

Deb....I am so sorry about your news. But thank goodness it was found out now instead of later. I know that everyone is probably telling you that, but I 'try' to look at the positive side to everything. Hopefully they can get you on the right path to getting healthy again. ((hugs))

crusader1

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So what do you think of my hair? Almost 16 weeks out of chemo. Last one was May 4th. These pictures are a little scary..LOL.. but you get the idea. I don't feel I am ready to go out in public yet. I will go out I believe in two weeks. I think my hair will give all of us a little laugh. I look silly in these photos. I think at this point we can all use a little laugh.

Hugs to all.

Francine

didle20Diane

I could THROW UP....I just posted then LOST a post that took me 20 minutes to type.....and I still have chemo brain so can't even remember everything LOL! 

Francine  You don't need to wait 2 weeks!  Your hair looks great.  I have been hatless for 2 months now and get compliments all the time on my short haircut!  I rather fancy it now too....so much quicker to get ready in the morning and I was looking at pre BC pictures and although I loved my long hair I don't miss drying it in the winter time.  I am going to experiment with a few short do's before I let it grow back out one more time

Raymon so sorry to hear about your husband.  Wishing him a speedy recovery.  I also hope you can get the meds you need at a reduced cost.  Talk to his doctors to see if they have any suggestions. I hate that the pharmaceutical companies make SO much money for all these drugs.

Deb Keep those spirits up!  You are such a strong and amazing woman.  I hope this new onc takes care of everything you need her to.  Keep us posted, we will be here with you!

Karen ditto on the hair.....looks GREAT!  loving all the new pictures!

Chris WTH on the rads suite?  Broken equipment????  Weren't you on a tight time table with a wedding in Oct?  I hope they get all the machines fixed!

Rachel  Relationships can stink sometimes......your man needs to man up and at least call to apologize for hanging up on you yesterday.  If he doesn't then maybe it is better to know now rather than later.  My man told me on our first date that what I see is what I get and I am happy to report that 13 years later he is exactly the same.  I love him for that.   Of course I told him the same thing LOL.   I wish the best for you.....(((((BIG HUGS)))))

Wishing all a great workweek.  I have been feeling pretty well the last few weeks so have tried to stay on that high by starting a little excercising!  Lifetime (my gym) here I come!  Kids start preschool 9/15....got my 3 year old son potty trained in 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay my biggest accomplishment of the summer!  We still plan on a 5 day trip in a couple weeks to Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg and the Outer Banks of NC for a few days at the beach.  I have also decided on reconstruction finally after going back and forth.....I am getting my good breast removed with nipple/skin sparing and then implants so I hope to be done by my 1 year anniversary 1/16/10.

hugs to all,

Diane

ChrisC433

Diane:  Yeah...I am on a tight schedule.  This puts me getting my last treatment the night of rehearsal

The rad doc mentioned adjusting my dose so i get a little more for for a week or so and that would cut down on the number of total days.  Not sure...have to talk with him again.  I go at 7:15 tomorrow morning...not looking forward to it.  This sucks now.  Every day is a different game.

My kids start back to school Tues. and I go back on Thurs.  Spent a few days getting my room set up again.  I am looking forward to it, but then again not.  I hate dealing with the wigs and scarves...liked going without anything around the house.  I am also so tired right now.  I did well through chemo and surgery, but all of a sudden the fatigue has kicked in.  Figures it would be right when I have to return to work!!!

Just got back from Little League Game.  Heading to bed.

Hugs to all...

Chris

sakura73

He broke up with me. He said I made him stressed, that he felt under pressure to be a better person. He said he realised a couple of weeks ago he was unhappy and did not want to be with me forever. He turned up with a garbage bag full of all my stuff. He looked at me so coldly, like I never meant anything to him.

I have chemo tomorrow morning. Right now I would rather the cancer took me.

maidmarion

Rachel, I am so sorry, that really sucks! But please don't say that, If he is saying he feels under pressure to be a better person and cannot handle it then it shows him to be so shallow and not the person for you, you deserve better. Try to remain afloat, hard I know right now, but we are all here sending our Love and thoughts to you. You will get through this and you will be the better person, this is something he will have to live with.

Big Hugs

Julie 

jdeking

Deb - so sorry to hear your news! What a screw up on your 1st onc's lab, I would be spitting nails right now. I know they'll do better this time with your new onc, and get all those nasty leftover cancer cells! Hang in there, and we will be right here for you all the way.

Rachel - so sorry to hear that BF is a huge turd. I know you feel miserable now, but maybe it really is for the best. Imagine if you had invested years and years into a relationship with him, and it turned out this way! Now you can heal, and move on, and hopefully start fresh with someone new and wonderful when you are ready. I know this is a scary time to be single, and we don't feel our most attractive. I know that having children is super important, and the clock is ticking (I am in this boat with you too). Stay strong, keep fighting, and things will be better soon, I promise! You are a wonderful and beautiful woman, never forget it or let these things drag you down!

Karen & Francine - great hair!

Pickle - glad you got to get it all out, and can now feel cleansed and renewed. Your DH sounds like a gem.

Great job on the toilet training Diane! And good luck to those teachers going back to school soon!

Dawnmrn1

Raymon!  Sorry for your worries!  Sometimes a wakeup call for men is beneficial! Your MD should help with meds or  social worker at the hospital.

Francine!  You look great! your hair is so dark, mine is white!  Hate it!

Diane! Enjoy the rest of the summer and the kids!

Rachael!  I know it is hard, I am sorry for your loss! sometimes you are better off alone, then someone dragging you down!  Good Luck! He does not know what he lost!

Chris!  Hang in there, school is starting and a routine is good, I too am tired form the rads, I am not sleeping well! What else is new!

Deb!  Thinking of you today!

Have a great week all! Love, Dawn

didle20Diane

Rachel, NO ONE should feel under pressure to be a better person.  You either are a good person or you are not.  Everything we do in life is a choice.  He needed to make good choices and he didn't. When we make poor choices and hurt others we apologize and acknowledge our actions.   I know this is going to be hard to get over but remember.....every day gets a little better.  We are all here for you and love you.

hugs

Diane

crusader1

Rachel,

It is definitely his loss. But at this time you must be strong. I am sure you will meet Prince Charming when you least expect it.

Getting rid of the cancer is your number one priority.

It is probably good this happened before you married this bum  I know you don't feel that way now but you deserve better..

Francine

crusader1

Diane,Glad you made your reconstruction decision. You are young and you don't have to spend time worrying over your good breast. Congrats on your son's big accomplishment.

I too have decided that if I have any problems on Thursday with my mamogram I will definitely have my breast removed. Whether the findings turn out benign..it doesn't matter.

Have a great day.

Francine

PattiB

Diane - Congrats on the potty training and making your big decisions.  Enjoy your vacation.  Once the kiddies are back in school you will be able to focus some time on your gym membership.

Crusader - Your hair looks similar to mine.  I have been going topless for about 2 weeks now since I really was not into the wigs and the buffs were really for everyone else's benefit as well as warmth in the colder months.  Like Diane,  I have had lots of compliments on my short do and am planning on experiments with the hairdos during the growing out phase.  I am fine with my hair but would really like it to be an inch or 2 longer on top.  I still can't stop myself from running my hands through it.  This virgin hair is just so soft.  It will be interesting to see if the students have any innocent hair comments when school starts.

Good luck to everyone this week with continuing treatments, tests, etc.

Rachel - So sorry your BF is treating you this way, but he has showed his true colors.  No one deserves to be treated that way.  Trying to move on is always hard.  Right now you are working on something (BC) that is even harder, more important and long term and that can be your focus - no one can really do this work but ourselves.  Sending you hugs!!

Mom_of_boys

Good morning everyone!  Almost daily following everyone's progress.  I'm doing okay.  Had my first Zometa infusion on Friday and stayed in bed this weekend.  A small price to pay, though, for decreasing my recurrence risk and for increasing my bone density!  Getting a liver MRI this week for elevated liver enzymes... geez!

Sakura... I absolutely feel your pain.  And, unfortunately, I realize that there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will diminish your pain right now.  I do think that people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  I'm certainly NOT a therapist nor do I profess to be one; however, just something for you to think about... could your love for him be rooted in the fact he walked this horrific breast cancer path with you up until this time?  Maybe... just maybe... what you really feel for him is a sincere appreciation (and rightfully so) for what he did for you in the past.  I can remember in your very earliest posts that you were worried about him and his commitment during this time.  Give yourself some time!  Loss... even when it's for the better... is hard.   

pickle

Rachel: I agree with Francine....getting rid of BC is your number 1 priority. I am sure it is very difficult for you right now....I hear it in your post but please know that although you don't have Damian right now, you do have all of us here that will stay with you every step of the way. It is a shame that  the relationship ended in this manner as you certainly deserve better. His coldness is probably his defensive mechanism ..... feeling guilty for doing this to you. Stay focused on your own worth. You have a strong faith and are such a kind person. Hang in there and treat yourself well.

Francine: Loooove the hair. You have lots. Wow! Looks great.

Mom_of _Boys: Nice to see you hear. Good luck with your MRI. What is Zometa for? I am not familiar with it. I know we have a similar diagnosis although my tumor size was slightly smaller and I am grade 3 so I am curious. Ever since my onco here in Edmonton has a slightly different opinion than my onco in Calgary, I am always wondering if they have done everything for me.

Patti: How are you doing on Tamoxifen? Any SE's. I have been on it since July 1st