Starting Chemo May 2008

robink

Hello Dear Friends!

Cruise? Divine, Relaxing. Gourmet food. Pampered. Reconnected with favorite Sis. Reconnected with hubby. Basked in the Caribbean sun. Toured Belize City Mayan ruins (Altun Ha). Spontaneous call from DS night before embarking on our journey. Spontaneous laughter. Mask off - real Robin emerged.

We flew to Miami, meeting up with Sis and BIL, stayed at a lovely hotel. It was raining that night and into the following morning. Mid day the clouds began to part, hints of sun emerged and my the time we set sail the sun was shining. We had a stateroom with a balcony. It was like a studio apt. minus cooking area. Unfortunately, two cold fronts moved through the Caribbean during our cruise leaving it windy and too cool to spent much time on the balcony. It was a lovely view.  The water is a deep, comforting, indescribable shade of aqua blue. When the water churned by the movement of the ship, the color would turn to sky blue then slowly darken. There were many activities - we could be as active and sedentary as we chose to be. Two days were filled with land excursions (Cozumel and Belize City). In the evenings there were shows (ice dancing, song and dance, comedians...), multiple options for live entertainment from a rowdy pub to a low keyed jazz bistro. Twice we stayed up past Midnight, but were content to turn in earlier the other nights.

I could go on and on but I won't hog the page. Let me just say the experience and the trip was exactly what we needed.

Thanks for letting me share.

JulieC

Go ahead, Robin, hog the page.  We want to hear it all.  The trip sounds so perfect.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  You deserve it.

Hugs - Julie

KristyAnn

Hi Everyone,

Just stopping in to say Hello and glad everyone sounds busy and active and going!!! I spent Easter weekend at a church youth convention and wore myself out BUT I was so excited when I realized I went ALL weekend and noone mentioned BC- usually someone wants to know " How you are doing" or something- this weekend I was completely free of it and just one of the group!!!!!

I thought that was fun!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drove from Rogers, Arkansas to Arkadelphia, Arkansas Easter morning- it really wasnt on the route home but only about 90 minutes more driving time total- to have lunch with my college girl- that was fun and a really nice diversion for her. the boyfriend got to join us so that was fun too. Younger daughter has new boyfriend who is a real sweetheart- this is her first boyfriend that she is really giddy over- she was beginning to wonder if she would ever understand all the giddiness etc because she wasnt interested- too busy with school and church and softball BUT this young man has her connected to that world!

Busy week this week- going to Davidson, NC next week for a training class and then flying to Mobile, Alabama for my nephews wedding- THEN Im taking a day off at home to R&R.

Kristy

otter

Wow... some real jet-setters among us!  I'm at home for a change.  Ran into some new (old, familiar) friends on FB recently, so I've been answering a lot of those "How are you doing?" queries.  That's okay, though -- everyone has been very careful and tentative, testing the waters to see how I'll respond.  I have an onco recheck in a month, but I'm not expecting any surprises (knock wood).

Mostly I just wanted to say hi and send y'all some hugs...

otter

ewesterman

Reading. Laughing. Learning. Greeting

robink

Hi Kristy - sounds like a good weekend. I know exactly what you mean about no one mentioning BC. Isn't it a relief?!

Otter - I have my 2 year check up the middle of this month.  Guess I am delinquent, haven't been in almost a year - had an appt the same day as my TRAM, so you know which appt got cancelled. I'm remembering a sense of panic rising in the moments before the epidural was placed. I can still recall the plan to hop over the bed railing, run down the hall, dart through the exit door to the left...then I would be safe. 

Linda - Thank you!

Eddie - Greetings and Happy Spring from Colorado

drcrisc

Robin - Your cruise sounded exquisitely lovely!!

Kristy - You have definitely got your act together, and it sounds really good!! 

Otter - You're home!!  

I am too, tonight - without the girls.  It's okay, but only for one night. 

Send up some good thoughts/prayers for tomorrow - we start the mediation process in the morning.  There have been some extreme attempts at manipulation which are not making things any easier.  I am willing to try the mediation, but I have a feeling we'll end up in court.  <Sigh>  Why do men have to assholes??  Okay, that's all for him.  Today I bought my own desk!  And my mom bought us a couch - it was a good day.  Tomorrow may be another story.

Just wanted to check in, since I haven't for a few days...

Hugs to you all...

Cris

rock

Cris:  I hope mediation works.  But then again, sometimes I find the whole "even playing field" really annoying, by which I mean, infuriating. After all, you're not the one who cheated, etc.  Congrats on your own desk! And couch!

Sorry to have been more self-absorbed than usual lately. Just know that your posts, your "likes" on FB, everything... it is really helping me get through this difficult patch.  My computer's battery is about to go now so must sign off abruptly.  But sending you all a lot of love. When you're happy (cruises! new couches! good checks! seeing kids!) I'm happy with you. And when you're not, I'm rooting for you and hoping for many many better days ahead. 

robink

Oh Rock! I am sad you are going through this rocky road currently. I wish something as simple as the beauty, the wonder, and the inspiration of your photos that your share with us on FB will somehow boost your spirits.

Cris - don't really know what to say except you inspire me by your strength and your refusal to let this situation drag you down.  Thanks for showing us how to move through a shitty circumstance with dignity and hope.

I have decided to have my surgery done at the University of Colorado in Denver. There is no indication that my local PS did anything wrong. I guess I just can't get over him not seeming to take this as seriously as I am, telling me he would prefer to get me through this with some "hand holding" - to try to wait another 3 months and see what happens - hoping for the best. That probably isn't a bad thing - just not a good enough thing.

The game plan is to remove the hard, necrotic tissue and to remove the abdominal muscle. Into the pocket a silicone implant will be placed. She will place some internal sutures to form a breast fold.  This isn't an emergency but I want it done as soon as they can get me on the schedule.

KristyAnn

Hi Everyone,

Cris- glad ot hear you are moving ahead and doing well with the girls.

Rock- sorry to hear you are in a funk- but funks are OK and usually something good comes from them.

Robin- good luck with the surgery- your recon girls are braver than I am- Im still too chicken to sign up for anything else.

I had my quarterly review this week- thats my new terminology for the week I do the MUGA, lab and onc visit- all is well, MUGA was fine. Im getting hair cut tomorrow morning- cant decide whether Im going to continue growing it out or do something new with it- its grown quite a bit and is rather shaggy at the moment- I have really think hair and it tends to feather around my face all on its own, havent decided to go back to coloring yet but am considering it (I just hate the maintenance).

Back to North Carolina next week for week 2 of my training class- eating out every night with a coworker and a "No chain restaurant" pact for the week

Kristy

rock

unrelenting whinge:

two teeth have chipped in two days.  this second one while i was eating this mushy spinach dish.

i made a dentist's appointment. then i called the oncologist and spoke to the nurse who was about as dismissive as a person can be.  yes, i get it. maybe this is what would happen anyway. i've never had great teeth. but maybe it isn't.  maybe it's tied to the low levels of vitamin d.  ijust felt blamed, blamed, blamed.  she said i wasn't getting enough sun. i wasn't eating enough calcium. but i'm doing all those things and i have been doing these things for TWO YEARS and it isn't helping.

i'm so fed up.  i know this is not about teeth.  it's just about ... i don't even know what. i'm just fed up. and wondering how in the hell i'll cope if i have something more serious than a couple chipped teeth to face down the road.

noelle, i know you're on your way to nyc and i do plan to see you but please please understand if i'm not feeling particularly social and know that it is absolutely nothing personal.   i just don't want to be around people, no matter how wonderful and sympathetic they are.  the only place i want to be is the other side of the world.

lewing

Rock, this really sucks.  I'm so sorry.  I don't know what to say, other than . . . two chipped teeth in two days isn't trivial, in my book, so screw anyone who's dismissive or offers you condescending lectures.  This has nothing to do with your coping skills.  (Which, by the way, are considerable.)

Any chance of a Cape Town getaway in the near future? 

(((((Rock)))))

L

JulieC

I always think anything related to teeth is a huge deal.  Two chipped teeth are major.  Don't worry about not getting enough of everything else.  I agree with Linda about your coping skills.  Now, you want to be on the other side of the world.  I live in Illinois and some days it feels like we are far away.  You are always welcome here.  Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean 3?  They do some crazy topsy turvy world turning things in that one.

I started some neurofeedback sessions today.  My test shows that I have some areas of my brain that are "firing" too often and could be responsible for some of my issues - most likely caused by chemo.  The side effects keep coming, but at least this man agrees that the chemo was the culprit.

I think of you all every day as I am in my yard studying the changes from the day before while my dog is contemplating her business.  I've missed a lot of the little things over the years

Hugs to all of you - Julie 

Sable

Miss a few days in here and you end up reading for hours LOL.

This past weekend I got to meet up with Linda and her DD for a quick chat. Those who haven't had the pleasure to meet them yet...you are missing out. Both of them have such a wonderful energy that they give off. It was an awesome visit! I do feel bad for my nervous chatter though... I kinda talked a tad too much *blush*

Had a appt with my ps today. We are ready for my next faze in this crazy messed up world of bc. He is going to "tweek" my trammy side and take out the harder areas that I have. And as an added bonus I am getting a bit extra lipo around my tummy. Bad part... I have to find $1300 to pay for that part, insurance doesn't cover it. If it is meant to be, it will work out. I have a mammo on monday I'm oh so looking forward to... *sacastic*. Life is moving along.

Had an iep meeting for my son this week. They brought in a family conselor to the meeting which immediately put me on the defense. They kept saying my son sounded depressed and stressed and needed someone to talk to. This child is happy go lucky 24-7. They tossed out that they think he is upset over my being sick and it was affecting his speech (he knows nothing that except mommy was sick and her medicine made her hair fall out). I broke down in the meeting crying when they come up with that one. Then something was said that took me till later in the afternoon to realize what was going on. One person said "the kids I normally work with are way worse than ryan, but we have the means to be able to help him so we are going to try this out". Basically they are looking for more money out of the county. Ryans whole problem..... when he is nervous he kinda stutters. Ya know, this child didn't have more than 20 unintelligable words 4 years ago because of his hearing loss and will now talk your leg off. He begs to read "just one more book" every single night. He is in the top 1/4 of his class. He LOVES discovery channel and his teachers are amazed at his vocabulary. But yet, they saw fit to make me feel like it is my fault he gets nervous reading in front of the class cause of my bc. Hubby was ready to kill at this point. The conselor felt the need to tell me if I needed to talk I could contact her. She is not worth an ounce, that you ladies are, to me. Ok I'm done bitching for the moment..... *sigh.

On the lighter side of things... hubby and ry have been making a new flowerbed with a pond included out front all week. Now if only my flowers I ordered would get here we would be set. pics on FB.

My love to all, :O)

rock

Stuttering. Oh, Jen. Your post struck such a chord with me. 

 I -- the big sister -- got called on the carpet when my little brother stuttered. (The teacher blamed me for being too involved in his life, because I had taken him under my wing when mom got cancer. They probably would have blamed mom but since she was in the hospital at the time...)  So I completely relate to the feeling of being blamed and wanting to smack someone with a shovel.

Anyway, having said that, the speech therapist gave me some really good advice that completely resolved my brother's stutter.  He told me (and maybe Mom was there for this one, but I know I was): "Don't leave the room when C. is talking. Don't turn your back. Make sure he knows that you're paying attention to him."  The therapist knew that of course,  we were still paying attention to him when we left the room, were making dinner, etc. but C. didn't always have that feeling. And in a large, busy family, there is a lot of times when one is holding 2 convos at once, leaving and returning, etc. Now, of course, maybe it's different from your son, but I just throw it out there in the realm of alternatives to a well-applied shovel.

Your boy sounds like a great kid.  I'm holding you responsible for that! But the other stuff.  PLEASE. These are boys and boys stutter more than girls for any number of reasons.  I'm sure if fathers were around more, we'd blame them more for kids' problems, too.

Julie -- refresh my addled brain.  What kind of things have you been experiencing? I care, but I also have more than a passing interest in this... what's up?

Thanks for the support, people. It's been a rough couple weeks. A colleague and friend is in the middle of leaving her abusive husband (she came in with bruises).  My friend P finished rehab but was discharged with results that suggest serious medical problems.  Still, I am so happy he is home. I have missed him. Just a lot a lot a lot going on.

Jeano77

Hello!  I have been checking in every day but just saw that it has been awhile since I have posted.  Geez!!  Maybe I was thinking it would so much easier to type without this freaking cast and never thought I would be sporting it for 8 weeks!!  All in all, the cast is really is not a big deal and pales in comparison to things that some of you are having to deal with.   

Jen - That made me sad to read about your meeting.  When we had met, the pride was beaming from you as talked about your son and he does sound like such an amazing boy . . . so bitch away darling!

Rock -  I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult and frustrating stretch.  Be as near or far as needed, but know that you are always in our hearts and minds. 

Linda - I am thinking that you have met the most from the group.  When are you headed to Minnesota??   

Julie - Did I miss a post . . . what is going on?

I am off to get some rest - love you all.

Jean

kerry_lamb

Jen, I have been a teacher for 32 years. I am over these people..ESPECIALLY those in modern times. They are comprehensively convinced that there is an 'ideal' life for a child, and anything 'less' than that ideal warrants intervention and study. Counseling. (I am not talking about abuse here..I'm talking simple old being a kid). Kids, like adults, LIVE their lives..they do not rehearse scenarios. They are not damaged by living lives. Parents who let their kids live their lives as kids are gold and will always raise a healthy, resourceful and resilient child no matter how many unpalatable experiences there are. Cancer. Going without. Crooked teeth. Sharing a computer. Not having a mobile phone. Broken limbs. Absence of talent for sport/reading/singing/remembering blah blah blah. I would bet my dog.tired.a$$ that your boy is an absolute joy. Feck these other people. Where will THEY be when you're kicking up your heels at your son's wedding, or taking his little fellah for a ride on your 4-wheeler, or his little girl to feed the ducks with (todays) day-old bread??? Kids who do a fair few things the hard way make outstanding adults..like YOU!!! Like all you gals and your bairns. Sigh..Jen..I wish you didn't have to be confronted by this pointless crap. I wish you were in my garden with me, marvelling at my red cabbages and my especially pretty black and white chook. I'd even catch her so your boy could hold her for a while. xxx

JulieC

Good evening ladies -

Jen, the counselor should put more time into the others that are worse than your son and stay out of his life before he "thinks" something is wrong with him and then it is.  All of what you said sounds normal for his age.  He is just a kid.

I started some neurofeedback last week.  I still just can't get my shite together.  I have so many things that need to be done and I know they need to be done but I can't get myself to do the things.  My dh is frustrated because I am home and should be able to complete simple tasks.  My outer persona looks all put together but the inside is a little jumbled.

We had a great weekend.  We went to the university's Relay for Life Friday night.  The girls set a goal of walking 4 miles (16 laps around the path) and they made it.  A group sold necklaces and you receve a bead.  It was so amazing to see so many college students out there.  They are capable of doing more than walking out in traffic and being loud at Walmart.  Riley wants to have a team but I don't think I can commit to that right now. Saturday our scouts participated in Earth Day activities at our local nature center.

Today we met with a genetic counselor to discuss the brca testing.  My mom met with her a few weeks ago and wasn't able to do the test because of insurance.  They did the blood work today and I should know something in 2-3 weeks.  If positive, the first thing recommended was an ooph.  I just can't get ahead of myself.

I hope you all have a great sunny week!

angelsaboveus

Julie I feel like I'm walking in your footsteps...this year I seem to be in a disorganized state. I don't remember it being this way last year. I had great plans to get into an exercise program , declutter my house and a whole list of other things yet haven't had much progression on that. I'll get started then seem to veer off in another direction. 

It all kind a hit me the other night we were out for a dinner and we didn't know some of the people, one of them asked me what I do (meaning job.....and I haven't work since you know what ....I was helping out at our shop and they don't need me anymore) and all I could  come up with is ....I'm at home.   What do I do?   I know I'm running everywhere with my daughter tending to her needs, helping out with her  team, being a mom....but I couldn't really come up with an answer when he asked me .....hmmmmm

I did the Brca testing also last May and I am still waiting for the results ..... it is coming up on a year and they said it could take that long to find out.   Julie be happy with having to only wait 2-3 weeks ! Also you have beautiful daughters, you must of been proud of them at the walk.

Jen not knowing your son but knowing you I can only bet he is a wonderful young man......you have every right to be annoyed with them laying the guilt trip on you !

Rock I hope you can find a peaceful calm in your life again !

Kristy Yahoo for a good MUGA  !!!  truthfully I don't know what kind of test that is but I'm glad you got great results 

Cris how are things going...how did the mediation play out?  I hope it all went smoothly for you.

I am packing up for daughters trip to Victoria for her jump rope provincial competition. We leave on Thursday. Have to judge at that so it is a bit stressful.  If they do well there , we will be off to Ottawa for Nationals in May......then this year is a worlds year.  If by chance they do well in the Nationals it's off to England in the summer.   Ka ching Ka ching I can feel the money slipping through my hands already

Have a good Tuesday ladies !

rock

Briefly... got to meet someone in 8 minutes.

My friend P. has something wrong with his liver. It might be failing.  I asked for two of my friends who are medical doctors who treat people addicted to drugs if they could recommend a doctor who might see him.  And do you kinow that my friend has arranged to see him in her primary clinic?  I am so moved. I have been sitting here with tears streaming down my face. It is a relief, but also the kindness. That they would extend themselves like that for someone they don't even know ... for me, I guess.  

Spent six hours this morning babysitting the sweetest little baby while his mom sought an order of protection.  Sweet, sweet baby but confirmed for me that nope, the thought of having kids really hasn't ever appealed to me.  Tomorrow I'm off to the high-risk oncologist to discuss my ovaries.

 Love all of you.  Love, love, love all of you.  

robink

Cris - where are you and how's "things"

Jen - WTF??  Leave the poor kid alone. Drives me crazy, often kids who need the help can't get it for what ever reason, now a kid who is doing quite well and has overcome obstacles is being interfere with.

Julie - I had to look up the neurofeedback. Still can't say I get it but hope it provides relief or a regulation of your disorganized state.

Rock - hope the assistance provided to P was encouraging and uplifting to you. Glad you could spend the time with the sweet baby, then had him back over to his mother. What's the scoop with your ovaries?

Angels - jump rope competition? Which child is doing this?  And almost a year for BRCA results?  Did they lose your specimen?  That's ridiculous.

Lunda- where are you headed your next road trip? I enjoy following them on FB.

Jeano - couldn't remember why you are sporting a cast, read back through your posts. You have 2 or 3 more weeks with it? Is it hurting less? You still running with it on?  How about the plantar fasciitis?

Kerry - well spoken from the heart, as usual.

Today I had my pre op visit with the new PS. May 6 I'll be having the bad TRAM remove, a Mentor silicone implant placed. It helped to actually hold one. I think it will fit well under my skin. A nice pocket has been formed first by the TE then the TRAM flap. Sucky way to end up with an implant, talk about taking the long road.

Noelle - hope your trip to NYC was enjoyable and productive.

Love to all

drcrisc

Okay, so I just realized it's been a while since I posted (or even checked in )

Jen -  Aaaarrrrggghhh.  That irritates me.   Kelly's preschool teachers tried to do the same to her - except they tried to make her autistic.  NOT.  Your son is fine, stuttering or not.

And Kerry - Hear, hear!!  That's exactly I felt about Kelly and proceeded to come home and write a 2 page description of her for teachers.

Robin - Surgery again really sucks, but I hope it turns out much better!  

Julie - Let us know how it goes.  I so agree - I know there are things that happen now that did not happen before chemo.  And it has nothing to do with being in my forties!

Rock - Hugs to you my friend, for being the good friend that you are to others.

So...mediation.  I think it's really meant for those who know what it means to compromise. And I also feel like if we were able to do this (mediation/compromise) then we wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place.  There has been some drama, but really I'm trying to give him just enough rope to hang himself so that I can get what the girls and I need financially and custody-wise.  Last weekend was the first one they had with him for 2 nights and I think they would have been happy with one.  In fact, I think Katie would feel fine if she never spent the night there again.  I'm not saying they don't want to see their dad or spend time with him.  They just don't want to live with him.  

Time for bed - I'm really trying to go to sleep before midnight this week. 

KristyAnn

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to hear about all the trials and issues and "stuff" going on- sometimes it seems like it never ends.

I have really thought about whether to write about this on here but here goes- in case it has hit someone else and we need to feel normal together. I went to my nephews wedding last weekend- I adore him and his new wife, got to see both of my brothers- everything really great right! Well it was until the bride walked into the church and I had the worst mental breakdown since chemo- sitting there realizing what it would be like for my kids if I dont survive until they get married, graudate from high school, college etc. I think the few people who saw the tears probably thought it was the wedding cry but that was definitely NOT what was playing in my mind. I was totally unprepared for that to hit me like that in the middle of such a happy occasion and like I said, I havent really had those kinds of thoughts since ending chemo. Im OK now and I think it may be a little like post traumatic stress disorder- so rather than try to hide it, Ive tried to think about it and deal with this week- apparently I have some unresolved anxiety (and Im sure no other BC patient does right?)

It all turned out OK- I didnt completely fall apart and my nephew was oblivious to my stress- wedding was gorgeous, outside reception was perfect, even danced a little!

On a better note- last night was Senior night for our high school softball- my DD is a senior and it was the last District game, a home game so Senior night. I got through that with no tears and a lot of laughter- she hit 3 for 3 including a homerun over the fence. We are in the playoffs so still a few games left and then off to college ball!

 Cindy- I was in Mobile for the wedding- got there late Friday night flying in from Charlotte, NC after training all week, wedding Sat and left Sunday- so I barely realized I was in Alabama!

Kristy

drcrisc

Kristy - You are absolutely normal.  I think maybe there was a brief exchange about "attacks" like that a few months ago - anyone else have less chemobrain than me??  I have definitely had moments like that and the unexpected kind are worse.  There are some times when you can predict it, but it's those ones that slap you upside the head that are hardest.

Okay, will someone please explain the male drama to me?  Tonight, he offered to bring Katie home from practice (apparently he took the night off) and when they got in the car, she asked where they were going.  So he said to her "You don't like to stay at my house, do you?"   And then somehow implied to her that she and her sister don't like to be with him.  It was interesting because it felt very guilt-inducing to me, but she was just annoyed.  See?  Rope.  I think I have decided to think of this like it was a recurrence and smack him like I smacked my cancer.  Thwaaapp!!

Off to sleep on that note...

otter

'nuf said.

otter

ewesterman

Julie,

ooph is easy...like a dentist appt...laperoscopically speaking. For those who are estrogen pos and NOT considering having children, I got my ovaries out on a Wednesday and was swimming the following Saturday. It is EASY surgery. I am not a surgery person, but if you are thinking about dumping them, do....your body will create less estrogen (though it will still create some).

Jen,

Your son is fine and you know that. This is a bump in the road.

Cris,

Everyone in your family is going through huge adjustments. I am so glad you have a strong relationship with your daughters. In the end, it is up to your EX and your daughters to figure out their relationship and they will. It is VERY important that you continue to be solid and to walk a line of staying out of it while being supportive to your daughters encouraging them to feel their feelings. You are an awesome mom and a very strong and beautiful woman. I admire you. Stay strong and remember that you, too, are dealing with post traumatic stress.

Speaking of post-traumatic stress,  call it what you will. Call it crying at a wedding for different reasons; call it having clutter of the house, the mind, etc., depression and so on -- listen, women, we are two to two and a half years out from being diagnosed with what we all know to be what used to be a death sentence and what still IS a death sentence for those we know and love (RanD). One of the things my oncologist said at the very beginning when I used to tell him about each of you was this -- he saw women and continues to see women who have been in stage four breast cancer for 15 years. He has also seen young, strong, otherwise healthy women such as RanD who, for absolutely no explanable reason, go way too quickly. Here is what I know about this group. We are fighters. We are survivors. We are people who take life by the balls (sorry...so crude) and hang on. We laugh hard and fight hard and work hard and cry hard and that is what we are supposed to be doing -- that IS life. We get to feel whatever feelings we want when we want because we were diagnosed with a disease that we are all learning to live with. Though we'd like to get RID of it, we can't. What we can and DO do is move on. We are moving on but we are doing it at our own pace and in our own way. That means we get to be depressed when the time is right; we get to take more risks (I have definitely been doing that since I've decided I can't fully control when my life ends anyway) and there is not a day in my life that I don't wonder or worry about how long I will live. I, too, desperately want to be here for my kids' graduations and to see them have children (if they choose to do that). I currently bargain with a God I do not fully believe in that I get 30 years since diagnosis...that gives me to 77. That is all I ask. What I also know is that each day we live, new treatments are continuing to be developed. For those of you waiting to hear about BRCA, my hope is that your children (whether you have BRCA or not -- I do not, but every first cousin on my dad's side had breast cancer or colon cancer and one died at 54) will NOT have to worry because there will be some treatment which will slightly change their cellular make up to trick the body into not allowing cancer to take up any kind of residence. 

SO.....let's agree to continue to be who we are. Let's continue to support one another as we go through all life throws at us. Let's continue to agree that it's okay to cry at a wedding for ourselves or for the joy for the new couple. Let's live as we are living. Let's party and pray and run and garden and work and laugh and search for continued meaning in our lives. I love you all.

KristyAnn

I love you Eddie and Cris- my online Psychologists! I love everyone else too!!

Im doing the Relay for Life tonight and signed up for the Survivor Dinner and Survivior Lap- hope I get through those two. Daughter was supposed to play softball playoff game at 8 PM so I was going to Relay for dinner and the one survivor lap and was then going to leave to go to softball game- now they have moved the game up to 6 PM and they are in opposite directions. Its raining so the game might have another reschedule- otherwise I am going to have to choose the Relay or the game!!!

Saturday night is her Prom and Im planning a backyard cookout for May 15 for her and her friends and family- BUSY time of year but I love having a daughter who still wants me at everything!!!!

Kristy

JulieC

Kristy  - I will walk with you if you decide on Relay.  I'll bring the tissues.  We went to our 3rd one last week and we voted on the songs for both the survivor lap and caregiver lap.  The caregiver song was "I'll Stand by You" from Glee (yes, we are Gleeks).  I burst into tears as soon as I saw my girls.  They had their "Fight Like a Girl" and "Hope" shirts on.  I am so proud of them as I know you are of your kids.

I agree about Eddie - she came along at just the right time with a pep talk.  Love you Eddie!

Cris - glad things are going fairly smoothly.  Your girls are bright and will soon figure out what their dad is all about. It is sad that it comes down to that, but you have to look out for them as well as yourself.

Rock - how did your appointments go?  Been thinking about you a lot lately and how lucky I am to know such a great person.

I'm lucky to know all of you!  Have a great weekend!

rock

I am blaming my super-teariness on the hormone fluctuations and the fact that I've always been a little more "fine-tuned" (overwrought!) than most people.

Didn't have the appointment because the doctor cancelled at 11th hour. Thanks for asking. And boy, was I peeved. 

But have decided I'm not going to have my ovaries out anytime soon.

To clarify, I am not worried about the surgery. I am worried about my life one year, two years, three years after the surgery.  And until I have someone I trust who was pre-menopausal and has had the surgery more than one year ago and can tell me what life, body are like, I am most likely going to hang on to my ovaries, atrophied carcinogens that my doctors insist they are.  (I'm not convinced they actually are. My understanding is that BRCA2 gives me about a 27% chance of developing ovarian cancer by the time I'm 70.  And a 12 percent risk of a second breast cancer (and 16% chance of ovarian cancer) w/in five years of the first breast cancer; 25-30% chance of 2nd breast cancer w/in 10 years.)

Also, I am really tired of doctors who take the view of "If you're not wanting to have a baby, who cares?" or "You're going to go through menopause at some point anyway, you're just going to do it sooner!" My ovaries, that estrogen, going through as normal an aging process as possible those things are really important to me.

The night before my appointment, I had dinner with a statistician friend of mine  and he was absolutely wonderful about supporting me in my sense that the doctors are giving me scary-sounding numbers, but not the RIGHT numbers. That is, it doesn't matter to me if I am 12 times more likely for X to happen if the likelihood of X happening is super-tiny to being with.  I need probabilities, not odds.  He is the same friend who spent an hour with me poring over the Tamoxifen stats. If I could drag him into my next onco appointment I would.  

Sorry if I sound a little testy.  I am not second-guessing others' decisions to have their ovaries removed. It clearly is the right decision for you all. I'm just saying that I am not going to have the surgery until I am confident it is a good idea for ME.  And I am frustrated by my sense that doctors give me scary sounding numbers (e.g., odds) to scare me into decisions they think I should make. The numbers I need (e.g., probability) don't seem that scary.  (At the same time, why oh why am I bracing to get cancer again and "everyone" saying, "We told you so!"!!)

* * * * * * * 

Cris, may I please punch your husband in the face? It's nothing personal and I'm sure he has his fine qualities. It's just that I'd like to punch someone right now and he seems like a good candidate. But I'm not particular, I'll punch anybody about now.  

drcrisc

Wow...I should be in bed, but I'm here.  Shovels out, girls.  Somebody needs to be smacked.  The gloves are off!  I asked him to reimburse me $42 for his car insurance that is coming out of my checking account.  (Too complicated to change it because they are linked - whole policy would have to be cancelled.)  And the man went OFF.  Started pulling out bills and naming this and that thing that he has paid for - blah, blah, blah.  Said Katie would have stop competing since we now have 2 households to support (she was sitting right outside the door and heard everything.)  I'm sorry they had to witness that (I wasn't too nice either, no swearing though) but the hardest part was leaving them afterwards since they were spending the night.  Katie was not thrilled.  Kelly went in the house and tried to ignore us I think. 

Where is the chemo for this cancer??  Actually, I think radiation would be better...

Thanks for letting me rant.