Starting Chemo May 2008

drcrisc

Kerry - Thanks.  I think my mom and my sister are having a hard time understanding how I could from being so angry to not.  I think it's because 1) he's cooperating and 2) I'm so much better off finding the positives that will come than dwelling on what's happened.  I did ask him why he didn't just come to me beforehand and he didn't think I would have let him go.  I like your advice on moving - pray our house sells quickly and at a good price!

Rock - The highlight of my day was our conversation - thanks for thinking of me!!

We got some good starting advice from the attorney today.  We'll find a relator this weekend, get the house appraised and I'll start looking.  Just gotta get through the talk with the girls now...

Oh, one more thing...he removed the pictures from the computer.  Sometimes I just shake my head...

Jeano77

Cris - I am very sorry for all that you are going through.  I can sense you calmness as I read your post . . . along with your strength . . . courage . . . . optimism . . . etc.  You are an amazing person!  Please know that we are all here - shovels in hand - if you are in need for additional "sisters" to help you out.  Please take care of yourself!

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

Jean

ewesterman

Just catching up here and having a hard time finding the letters as I am shaking as well as the words since no words can convey what I am feeling right now. Cris, your maturity and integrity and groundedness and even-handedness (see, I don't even know which of these are words and which are not) impresses me. Thank God your daughters have you. While I know that your soon-to-be-ex loves your children, the idea that his needs are more important than them pisses me off to no end. I have a lot of anger around men who put their needs ahead of their children. I am comforted knowing your sister and other friends and family are there for you. I am calmed by the fact that some of our sisters here have gone through what you are going through. I know from my own experience that there are times in marriages when things are better and worse as those who are married or partnered know there are always bumps. BUT STILL, what is it with people who think it' okay to create havoc and think they are okay in the eyes of everyone else? Okay, I will stop ranting. I am sorry to put it here as you are seven pegs ahead of me...I am just hearing this and I look at you and your girls and I know about your strenght and so on but I am still so PISSED off at the man you have been living with? I will stop for now because this is NOT productive. I send you hugs. I am glad you tucked your anger somewhere else instead of saying it is not there. I encourage you to work through that anger when you are with people who are safe and who can keep you safe. There will be lots of grieving and readjusting and anger and you owe it to yourself and your children and your family and your HEALTH to make sure you do some anger work...with or without a therapist but with someone who can help you. Hitting a tennis racket on pillows really, really, really hard and screaming and yelling is one way....just do it with someone to support you and somewhere far away from where others can hear. Love you and am thinking of you as you embark on this new chapter in your life.

drcrisc

Thank you again, my friends.  In some ways, this is more difficult than dealing with the cancer because while that affected all of us, it mostly affected me.  This affects all of us (by us I mean, me and the girls) so much more. 

We told them yesterday and my Katie cried and cried.  Broke my heart.  And still I feel that it will be okay.  God bless little Kelly, she only wanted to know if I was still her mom (!) and if she could bring the fish to the new house.

Love to you all...

rock

Ah, shame, man.  A kid crying like that...  that is hard stuff.  Poor kid. 

Lord, that do suck and SUCK. 

By the way, I would like to add "What Eddie said."   

(Big sigh.)  Call anytime, Cris m'dear.  (Note to self:  Buy bottle of wine on way home from work tomorrow.)

robink

Cris - I want to say something that may help, something eloquent and deep but I can't see to find the words. So instead I'll simply offer support and encouragement from afar.

 Love to you, Kelly and Katie.  And to Cris's Mom and Sis, and local friends...thanks for being there for her and the girls.

JulieC

Cris - I am so proud of you and feel so bad for your girls.  I hope you are able to have a good week.  If you need anything - really - please call or email.

Otter -  we were out and about yesterday and saw a car that "Otter 78" on the license plate.  It was a good day. 

Hugs to everyone - Julie

kerry_lamb

Ahh Cris. It begins. Like Eddie, I am burning up with anger at this person..and all the others who decide to dismantle a family and yes! astonishingly! think that all around them will 'understand'. There is no understanding to be done. In 1975, in Australia, the Family Law Act changed (to No Fault Divorce) and the earth shifted on its axis. Few ever (honestly) doubted a person's right to marry & divorce whomsoever he/she pleased...even though culturally the changes took some adjusting to. But I started teaching in 1979, 4 years after the new Act. It was when the first wave of separated families started showing up in class. I have been teaching broken-hearted children for 31 years! It is not possible to measure the impact of end-of-family. I have learned a couple of things, though Cris. Children who feel secure (Are you still my Mom? Will I have a bed? Does Daddy still love me? Will we have a house? Can I take my fish?) do best, as do those who see both parents liberally and without 'seething' handovers! You know what? This cancer biz has prepared you (and all of us) for any old shite life throws up from here on. We know shite from clay. We know our a$$ from our elbow. We know love when it's looking at us. And as Eddie the Wise said: thank God your daughters have you. You know it: it WILL be ok xxxxxx

Sable

Cris that really sucks! But ya know, Much like everything else, there is a reason behind all of this we just haven't seen it yet. I have my shovel ready and waiting... Just got it all polished up and the last set of dings taken out of it. Oh and I had some re-enforcement rebar put on the out edge... so when it makes contact, it REALLY makes contact ;O)

My love daulink

JulieC

I just love tricked out shovels!  What will we think of next? 

ewesterman

What will we think of next? Hugs. Lots of hugs.

ewesterman

We sometimes observe milestones in our friends' lives....sad ones like when a friend or family member or acquaintance is diagnosed or dies ... and we ought to celebrate the other milestones too. Today, my cancer bully friend, Dottie, turned 54. She is nearly four years out from her original diagnosis. Woo hoo. Happy birthday to her. She has an awesome attitude. I celebrate each of you tonight and wish for you all beauty, growth, strength and long lives.

kerry_lamb

Yay to Dottie and all the other Cancer Bullies in the world!!!! xx And Yay!!to Cris and her steadfastness!!! xxx

JulieC

Yay to Dottie from me, too.  Thanks for sharing, Eddie!

drcrisc

Yay to Dottie!!

Hey - remember when we were in treatment and I used to sometimes post the word from "The Daily Word"?  Well, my aunt sent me one on Sunday and it said this:

Free.

I am free to grow.

What a blessing it is to know that my life is ever-changing, dynamic and full of possibility. I am free to choose my way, my direction, knowing that I will grow toward whatever truth I hold in mind.

So...that being said, shovels out, girls!!  I have cycled out from sadness into anger again.  Katie told me tonight that her dad told her this (meaning "divorce") would have happened anyway, just later.  I am so PISSED!!  How dare he try to minimize his actions and add insult to injury!!  Oooooohhhh...

He knows that I feel very, very strongly about this type of violation and it is NOT okay to communicate that message to my daughter.  However, I am trying to not communicate my anger to her, either.  I think, if I keep raising her the way I intend to, she will find her own anger towards her dad in this and so I don't want to foist mine onto her.  So, as calmly as I could, I sat down and reiterated to her that "cheating" while you are married or in a relationship at all, is not an okay choice.  I keep saying it that way, "Dad made a bad choice" but I just really want to call him an asshole!!  I also had to repress the urge to pack every suitcase we had tonight and leave. 

Please send "good house thoughts" to us - I have agreed to find a new house (my choice - don't want this one, never have) for me and the girls, and the sooner I find one, the sooner we are out of here!  But I need to play nice for awhile in order to get what I want which includes avoiding a big, ugly legal battle.  So thansk for holding my anger.  I will speak to him about this but I need to wait until the seething stops...

Better go to bed...we all have bags under our eyes...

kerry_lamb

Oh Cris, I will pray for peace: la paz comenza en la casa. (Peace begins at home!). The hardest lesson I ever learned is that children love both parents equally. (emphasis on 'children') so learn from your seesta here. It will save you a lot of heartache. The other interesting (and even less palatable) wisdom is the father/daughter thang. Never underestimate it..it's real. When I turned 50 my Dad (who has never spent a cent on a gift) sent me a ruby ring and a beautiful girly card that said 'Thank you for being my daughter for fifty years'...sigh...Be very mindful to direct your anger at your former sexual partner..not through your girls at...their DAD..arrrrggghh!!!!!! WHY DO MEN DO THIS??? I'm sorry..people have to live their own path. And DO avoid a big ugly legal battle. I can't think of a single reason why ANY lawyer should pocket a SINGLE cracker of your assets!! xxx To y'all!

KristyAnn

Cris,

Im praying for yall- my ex pulled that same stunt to justify his stupid actions. My kids were really young and we are pretty conservative on the religous side- my kids understood that there are rules or guidelines in marriage and that Dad didnt do what he promised and broke the rules by having other girlfriends (yep plural)- that seemed to help them understand. Whats funny is that still to this day- he will only say "We grew apart" like all the other women had nothing to do with that LOL.

You are right though- your girls will find their own anger and their own reconciliation with him in their lives- I kept the anger from my kids BUT I didnt cover his a** either- honesty in a form and language that they could understand otherwiuse you set them up for eternal disappointment because usually the men get so into their new lives/girlfriends etc that your kids end up with the leftover time. My kids have learned to accept their Dad on his terms becuase that is the only choice- they dont get their hopes up over stuff with him because that would be premeditated disappointment- happy when he shows up and participates and we go on our merry happly little way all the time regardless of his actions. You cant get away from the fact that the divorce will affect them- but it doesnt have to be all negative either!!

HANG IN THERE!!!!

Kristy

drcrisc

My daily word today is:

Progress - The best is yet to be!

I really don't want my girls to be angry (I just think as they grow into young women they will realize more and more the significance of his "choice") but I don't intend to protect/cover his ass either.  My mom keeps saying "So you sew, so you shall reap."  I believe this to be true - there are consequences to every action.  HIs consequences will come with little to no effort on my part.

However, I also know that as a father he has a great influence on his daughters' development of their relationship and sexual identity and in no way do I want them to believe that shoud accept any type of this less-than respectful behavior.  And that's what I'm going to tell him.

Progress!

ewesterman

hugs to you cris

rock

struggling a little over here for a variety of reasons.  spoke to my grad school best friend who got cancer about a year ago.  she has been drunk every time i have spoken to her for the last 6 or 7 years and last night was no exception.  i care about her, i really do.  and now her daughter is a first-year at NYU and they're low on money...  *sigh* well, there's some stuff.  and one of my really good friends from here is having a biopsy on the 18th.  she has already had 2 other kinds of cancer and has had calcifications removed in the past so  i cannot just assume everything will be okay.

"Wait! There's more!" my vaginal ultrasound went well insofar there is no evidence of ovarian cancer.  but they were really really really thorough and while the procedure itself was not at all painful (or even particularly uncomfortable, on the whole), 2-3 days later and I am very sore and keep having to remind myself that this pain is the result of a test, NOT a sexual assault or too-rough sex  (I'm not joking. It doesn't hurt super-bad, it just hurts in a very specific way.)

okay. that's it.  thank you for listening to this.  

cris, I have thought of you 107 times.  have thought about calling you but it would be me calling you for selfish reasons trying to pass it off as being thoughtful/concerned about you!  (though of course, I AM thinking about you, too.0

love you all. 

drcrisc

Eddie - Thanks.

Rock - First, ouch!!  And also, thanks.  I have thought of calling you as well, but weekends are tough - too many ears. 

I have concluded we can both still be reasonable people as long as we are not dicussing money that relates to us or custody issues.  Other than that, it's fine.

I will post more later - I have to retrieve a child from the bath before she sprouts webbed feet.

ewesterman

Rock

Ouch.

Cris

More hugs and sending you patience and strength.

Everyone else. 

Love seeing Facebook postings. Love you all.

Noelle,

Got any sulfite-free shampoo around there?

drcrisc

Hey girls - can those of you who wore a wig or, shall we say "cranium prosthesis", remind me of the things you did so it didn't itch?  My friend at work lost her hair after Round 2 and has just started wearing one.  She is exceptionally braver than I would have been at work and also has some great hats!!!

And, just an update, I think I may have found a house!  More later about that...

kerry_lamb

Yaaay! xxx Re itchy head: I didn't really have much of a problem, and maybe it was because I 'moisturised' up over the dome as well as my face (Nivea cream). Farken Sarken!!! Remember being BALD???? ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

robink

I'm with you Kerry, itching wasn't much of a problem for me either, although I rarely wore the wig.  Yes, I remember being bald - in fact ran across pictures taken my DD the day DH shaved my head. Geez, so glad that is behind me.

Wow Cris, what a whirl wind!

8 weeks post op!  Am doing very well. Although 3 days ago when the tram boob was quite swollen and hard I was certain the flap had died, it would have to be cut off and all this was for nothing. Next morning there was a bit more softening on the sides.  At least it is 75% hard now instead of 100%.  Last week I bought normal bras! Very got a red one!

Cruising the Caribbean in 12 days! Found a lovely swim suit at JC Penney that makes me feel and look good.

kerry_lamb

Robin, my heart (but not my boobs) bursts for you. How cool is your life??? A RED bra AND and cruise. I am one of those people who is absolutely content to live travel through others so...YAY to you and your trip! xx

otter

Cris, I sure hope that lead on a house turns out to be a good one.  New house, new life...

Wow, Robin... a Caribbean cruise, with a bright red bra and a sexy swimsuit???  I agree with Kerry -- I usually have to use my imagination when someone says she's going on a trip like that.  In this case, though, I'll be going along with you.  So I hope you have room in your suitcase for an average-sized otter.  For dinner, I prefer fish.

Well, my May '08 sisters, I HAVE RUN OUT OF VIRTUAL VALIUM.  Please send more.  I can't talk about it in detail here, because 1) it would take too long and 2) I can't explain it without naming names and incriminating people.  Some of the key words are:  hip surgery, dehydration, kidney failure, skilled nursing care, sibling rivalry, ischemic stroke, at-home custodial care, risk of falls, cellulitis, non-compliant diabetics, stubbornness, intransigence.

No sympathy requested -- I just need to whine to women who understand.  A convocation on Sue's Porch would help.  BTW, dh and I are still (again) at my MIL's.  She is home from her post-stroke rehab, but we've been told she needs 24/7 "custodial care" (constant supervision) for an indefinite length of time.  It's not that she's unable to take care of herself -- it's because she doesn't listen and won't follow instructions.  She keeps doing things that put her at high risk of falling.  Apparently, she's cut from the same cloth as my mother, who fell on icy pavement last week and refused to go to the doctor.  ("My leg isn't broken, so there's nothing they would do.")  My mom ended up in the hospital on i.v. antibiotics because she developed cellulitis in her leg.  <sigh>

Hugs to all...

otter

Jeano77

Cris - I hope that the house works out for you - that you are able to get that fresh start soon.  I also hope this finds you and the girls holding strong. 

Robin - Have fun with the red bra and the cruise! ;-)

Otter - You certainly have had a lot on your plate.  I will package up some virtual valium and send it your way.  Based on how short I have been lately, it is obvious I am not using it.

Had my "almost" 2 year check up last week and it went well.  I am being moved to six month appointments.

Played one shift in the state broomball tournament last weekend and fractured my wrist.  I have a lovely pink cast that I will have to take a photo of to share with all of you.  Painful - even in the cast because I am trying to use it too much.

DAT and headed to bed.  Love to all.

Jean

robink

Otter: Virtual Valium on its way. Check the transporter room.  Only take one as I replicated the super charged variety. Hope it helps. 

drcrisc

Otter - Sending virtual valium your way!!

Had a mammo on Tuesday - everything was okay.  Have an MRI tomorrow - my BS is a bit obssessive, but in a good way.  This is all prep for my annual follow-up with him next week.  <sign> But it must be done. 

We are in a holding pattern here - doin' okay, doin' okay.