please help

footprintsangel

 Hi Friends, I thank you for the understanding answers, I  wish more people could understand the side effect from the cancer, chemo, and meds for cancer(arimidex) is some.  I will need to work alot on saying no.  (I have to use a med machine to help my breathing) But everyday is a gift and I love to get out alittle and enjoy the morning afternoons I"m beat!  Thanks again, It opened the door to learn. God bless you all, Debbie

dink

Helloe ladies:

All is going pretty good here.  I slept 4 hours the other night but I went to work as usual and stayed all day.  I 've had a pretty good weekend just sore and stomach bloating still.  I took a flexaril and darvocet last night.  Is hopped with my family all day yesterday and was extremely sore by the time I got home.  I don't like taking flexaril because I sleep for hours and hours and hours (12 hours or more).  The problem is not the sleeping part it just makes me mean the next day and I can't tolerate things as usual and I hate that as I loose my temper very easily.  We have started our Christmas looking.  I'm sorry for all those feeling bad - I hope you all are better today or will be better.

You know when my mother-in-law was sick with cancer - I believed she used it to get more attention and it would aggrevate me.  She wanted everyone to come visit but she wanted us to lay on her bed and wait on her hand and foot. - I would get angry with her because I had never seen her like that and I had a hard time with it.  I went to see her one day and the kids wanted to fish and she said to "oh, just take the kids and I'll try to be here when you get back - I don't think I'll die".  I was so mad - I made her get up out of the bed, get a bath and fix her hair and makeup (never would she be seen without it) and I made her sit on her walker and I rolled her out to the front porch so she could watch the little ones fish.   I hadn't seen her laugh so much in many months.  She wasn't out there for very lond but the pictures I took of her were the last pictures we have of her smiling or laughing.  Yes, she was very tired but the day did her good but I believe it was better for the family because it was the last time we saw her that happy and my grandaughter had memories of a smiling and laughing "Dran."  My grandaughter was four at the time of her death. I now know where she was coming from and I get mad a myself but I also know where my family is coming from and like someone said, they are just as scared as we are.

Goodnight ladies and I love you all.

Leesa

Anonymous

Whew...lots of catching up to do. Not doing too well physically, so won't try to do anything but say a bit about the weekend. Bootface is crapola, but it does make you realize that there are some truly wonderful people out there in the world.

Harmony Hill is nothing short of a miracle. There is just no way to describe it except maybe to say it was like our group getting together in a place of pure nurturing. There were spiritual times, lots of Yoga, more belly laughs than I've had in years, connecting with women who KNOW what it's like living with bootface who don't tell you to cheer up, the healthiest, most delicious food I've ever eaten, staff who find pure joy in creating an atmosphere of freedom, peace, support. They wouldn't even let us tidy up our mats after a yoga session. Walking up the hill to a meadow and finding bear scat along the trail, awakening to the gentle sound of a small gong at each door in the morning, hugs, tears, an incredible rainbow from water to sky....bliss.

Returning to reality, to an empty apartment, is tough, but I hold in my hand the small pebble from Iona, Scotland that I was given and I am comforted. It is 2.7 billion years old, smooth and white with a small pale green heart on one side. It gives perspective.

Namaste,

Judie

Oh, dear. I've got to shed the new age trappings soon. For now, bear with me!

1Cathi

Judie sounds like a truly wonderful place.  And even though being back may not be as blissful as being at the retreat - I for one am glad you are. 

XOXOXOXOXOXO -Cathi

NancyD

Judie, you don't have to shed ALL of it. Keep the rock in your pocket, like I have to keep my darn work ID. I should make that my touchstone, LOL.

I'm so glad you found comfort and solice there. Sounds truely healing.

Leesa, for years my mother wouldn't go to see her OB/GYN. Well, I guess eight pregnancies had given her her fill of the guy. But when she developed a female problem, my sisters and I had to literally beg her to go. She had this martyr complex, "No, it's OK. I KNOW it's cancer. I'm prepared for it." Well, it turned out then that it wasn't cancer. She was fine after a simple procedure. Several years later, she again had to have her children intercede when she wouldn't go see her doctor for a liver problem. Again, she was playing the martyr role.

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, we thought it was the end. Turned out, it wasn't. She had a mastectomy and was on Tamoxifen for four years before another form of cancer took her life. But by the time she had that, she was all worn out from playing the martyr, and we were able to just be with her without being worn out ourselves from having to deal with her.

Anyway, it made me very aware of what illness can do to people. It seems a hard road to straddle sometimes. So which side of the road do we walk...as the constant complainer or the steadfast, stoic endurer? There are times when we really do need help, but don't know who or how to ask. Sometimes the plea falls on deaf ears so we retreat into our shells and try to do for ourselves. Sometimes, all we can do is constantly beat our own drum in the hope that someone hears us and knows what to do. Sounds like you heard you MIL's drum that day and gave her and the whole family something they needed.

lvtwoqlt

Judi, glad to hear you had a wonderful time. As Nancy said, you don't have to shed ALL of it. I have a crystal stone (actually it is a florist stone) in my window over my kitchen sink that I got a one of our church conferences women's retreat. The theme that year was Sparkle of Joy and when the sunshine hits that stone it sparkles and reminds me to sparkle the joy in my life. And I have another stone in my office from another year that has 'peace' written on it, it reminds me that God has the ultimate peace for my life. We have these retreats once a year and it helps re-energize myself spiritually.

Sheila

Ulla

just popping to say ,,i love u all so much..

go bak to study..

huggs

portiasproudmom

The retreat sounds like heaven, Judie.  No wonder you hated coming back home. 

Debbie, you stand your ground girl!  The others are right--she's probably just scared for you.  It was tough when my dad started needing more than just his cane to get around.  It gave us peace of mind though, knowing that he wouldn't fall.  I hope things get better for you, hon.  Hang in there!

Love to everyone,

Karen

portiasproudmom

Ulla, your new avatar is gorgeous.  I love your hair that way.  I've purchased a few hair bands like that as well.  They look really cute with the short, curly hair.

Hugs,

Karen

Anonymous

Thanks for the kind words, Cathi. As I said, the retreat was filled with huge belly laughs from snappy exchanges of word play and twisting of images. That, I'm afraid, came home with me. I glanced at your very wise signature line quote, and it became "It's not whether you get knocked up - it's whether you get back down!" I'm sorry. I hope no one is offended. I'll get over the retreat's evil effects soon.

Nancy, your story for Leesa was very meaningful for me. It is my deep desire to spare my children the experience you had with your mother. It is, indeed, a fine line. If I were to act fully on how I feel, I'd be on the phone daily with each of them telling them about what it's like living in the shadow of bootface. But that would be depressing and irritating. If I were to act fully on my desire to protect them, I'd be stoic and refuse to acknowledge suffering. Striking a balance...being honest without negativity, recognizing when I need to take care of something, letting them support me in ways meaningful to both of us...it's a challenge.

Sheila, I can see your stone sparkling in the window over your sink. These small symbols can help anchor us when life seems out of focus. How wonderful that your church has a yearly retreat!

Ulla, your words may be few, but they are filled with you and your joy. A week finished already! I hear a distant dentist's drill...it gets closer every day. Study, study, study! (as if I needed to tell you) Your goal is at last within your reach.

Karen, any progress on the house? Access to your lot? When I lived in my previous home, a neighbor subdivided his lot, but the section he wanted to sell had no access to the road. He asked us for an easement, but we refused. It would have totally intruded into our lifestyle and the peace and quiet of our property. So I do understand that there can be a lot with no access to the road. I hope that works out for you.

Shirlann, I can't believe that your daughter-in-law was so insistent on a forced march. Have you and Walt recovered?

BTW, I checked around and think I answered my own question about jealousy/envy:

Jealous
1     a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness
    b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness

2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage

3: vigilant in guarding a possession

Envious:
1: painfully or resentfully aware of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage


Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire, or prevent another person from getting.

"Jealousy is always born with love; it does not always die with it."

Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (non-malicious envy) or he wants the other(s) not to have (malicious envy)

The experience of jealousy involves:
Fear of loss
Suspicion or anger about betrayal
Low self-esteem and sadness over loss
Uncertainty and loneliness
Fear of losing an important person to an attractive other
Distrust

The experience of envy involves:
Feelings of inferiority
Longing
Resentment of circumstances
Ill will towards envied person often accompanied by guilt about these feelings
Desire to possess the attractive rival's qualities
Disapproval of feelings

I'm afraid I suffer from both this past year. Something I never, never would have seen myself capable of...lots of work to do.

Love and hugs to all,

Judie

my3girls

Popping in...

Ulla...I love your new pic too!! My hair is really getting long...it looks and feels so normal again..especially when I straighten it.

Judie..so happy you had a spectacular healing time!! Good for you!

Well..went to the doc yesterday..no flu bug...but I have a sinus infection and bronchitus!  Double whammy!  I don't feel that great at all. Dennis and I went out Sat. night...had dinner..which I didn't taste at all!! Then I kept us both up all night coughing! I am on an antibiotic now.  I took the morning off of work...so tired.  Here at work now...going home very soon.  I fly to Atlanta tomorrow for the day.

Just wanted to pop in and say hello.  Hope everyone is doing better than this ole gal!

xoxo to all of you!!

Lisa

my3girls

oh..and Judie...one of the best things in life are huge bellie laughs!! They are so good for the soul..and so healing!! I wish I had them more often.  Actually did have one on Sat. night..something simple Dennis said..set me off....couldn't stop! Just had to tell you...that I think those are the best!!  Love ya Judie!!

lvtwoqlt

Judi, My take on Jealousy/Envy - My husband was unemployed after getting laid-off and was jealous of others who lost their jobs at the same time he did drawing more unemployment than he did was envious of others who were able to purchase new cars and homes when we were barely surviving on my income.  During that time we voluntarily had a car reposessed and almost lost the house. We all struggle with jealousy/envy at times. I sometime am envious/jealous of others who just don't get it about cancer and sometimes wish that I didn't have to go through what I did just to get some peace of mind.

Sheila

Anonymous

That baby is adorable!!!!! I pray they find a cure soon, so my daughter won't have to deal with this  too.

1Cathi

Well Judie -you know I am certienly not offended - but now we are even now on the keyboard and monitor. LOL 

And now I am not quite sure if you really were on a retreat or not -HUM - I WONDER. Are we going to see you on "Girls Gone Wild??" LOL

Lisa -  sorry about the sinus infection & broncitis , but sooooooooooooo Happy thats all it is xoxoxo -

Well I got my first look at my scars Monday, finally all the steri strips came off, the right looks great - the left is a bit messy yet and not so neat looking (thats the rads side) , still some draiage

went to BS today she said neosporin and keep it covered when dressed - but try and give it as much air as possible - YEAH I GET TO GO TOPLESS-  DR'S ORDERS!!!! I am so glad I didn't do recon - I know I would have had issues/complications -  alot of tissue damage. 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO -Cathi

footprintsangel

 Hi Friends, I hope everyone is hanging in there, I have been home alot cause of the Washington rain. Having breathing class and do pretty good, Learning to slow down, We always hurried in the Air Force. My dad retired we still ran, Its hard to slow down.  Cathi , Good luck in healing. Judie, You are such a caring person, Thankyou!   Shelia, You are a special lady,  And to anyone I forgot Take care, Hugs Debbie

lvtwoqlt

Cathi, my hubby liked it when I had dr's orders to go topless too!!! but since he is only home on weekends, he didn't get to enjoy the view much . Now that John's home, I don't do it like I did before he came home (I would run around topless after my showers to let my crystal roll on deodorant dry) unless I know he is still sleeping.

Lisa, I usually get the sinus infection followed by broncitis and it can be a pain. Hope you get over it quickly.

Judi, our church retreats sound like what you went on, what happens on retreat stays at the retreat!

Need to get to work, check in later.

Sheila

portiasproudmom

Debbie, this horrible, wet, stormy weather is totally aggrevating my arthritis!  I'm an achy mess!!!  Let's pray the rain stops soon!!

Nope, no progress on the house yet, Judie.  My poor dh is going to have a stroke if things don't work out.  This property has been nothing but a headache since the day we bought it.  It's such a shame, because it's a gorgeous piece of land and it's so secluded and peaceful.  Grrrrrrr!!

Love and hugs to all,

Karen

portiasproudmom

I'm glad you're pleased with your surgery results, Cathi.  It cracks me up to think of you running around topless saying "doctor's orders!"  You're so cute!

Hugs,

Karen

1Cathi

Well Karen  thats just one of the good things about just the two of us living home -  I sure do love my daughters and grandchildren -  But I APPRECIATE them more that they do not live with me. 

My daughter was here for 2/months  this past May on complete bedrest before giving birth on 7/1 - I thought I would go nuts. LOL 

I guess I am spoiled now  -  As my mom used to say "Love to see them come" ' And Love to see them go!"

I sure hope your house mess gets fixed soon - your poor hubby -  men don't do well with that kind of stuff. 

GOOD LUCK - XOXOXOXOXO- Cathi

dink

Hi ladies. 

Cathi thanks for your insightfulness - It's great.

Ms. Judi, you have made me laugh this afternoon and cry all at the same time.  I can just picture my favorite grandmother, she was small and had a semi large belly.  Before she died years ago, she would put her pointer finger over her teeth (so they wouldn't fall out) and with her other hand hold her belly so it wouldn't "giggle" so much when she laughed.  I haven't thought about that in forever.  I think I'll go home and pull out family pictures.  My family are in Mississippi and I'm here in Texas.  The holidays are coming and I'm missing them terribly.  You would think after 10 years I'd be over that. Not!  I love the rock idea, that's great.  I don't have anything like that but I have a little bitty pencil that my son when he was in kindergarten and he is now 21 y/o.  The pencil has a point, an eraser and just a little in between. My daughter has a little pearl add a bead necklace that I have put up and I love to look at it from time - to - time.  She's 22 y/o now.  Cathi, I thougt I would run through the house without a top but I look really funny and a little scared to.  You know guys, I would like to talk more but I am excessively tired, I don't think my anemia is under control - it feels really bad at this time.  Hope all are well.

Karen, Im sorry about your home/land.

Leesa   

honeygirl

Hi everyone. Well , I am moving this weekend. I'm still not totally packed. I hate packing. My son came home this past weekend. My girlfriend I am moving in with , is a photographer , and she took some pics of my son's band for marketing and such. We went out to my son's grandfathers old house. Very run down and delapetated. Just the right background for a metal band! So I took him to her house , and we "toured" where I will be staying. I really forgot how much it looks like a little apartment downstairs. Then the rest is long like a bowling alley. Thats where they have their storage and where mine will be. I know the girls are gonna go exploring there. I hope they don't mess things up. Sweetpea loves to chew up boxes! So this should be interesting! I'm so worried about my SO. He has nowhere to live , yet he is having his son come and load up the moving van and leaving. But he hasn't an apartment yet. Gosh , I wish he would move closer to his son. I tried to talk to him about it , but it is no use. I think because his short term memory is going , he feels comfortable back in his old home town. And I think he thinks , he is just gonna go there and die as to not be a burden to us because he just won't quick drinking. It makes me so sad. But I can't make his choices. Gods blessings be with him. I will pray everyday that he will see the light. There is always hope no matter how bad something seems. Maybe he needs to be on his own , it might make him realize somethings. Please keep him in your prayers. He isn't a bad person , just sick and addicted.

Hi Leesa , Debbie , and Kathi , so glad you all are here with us. Leesa , I had a "macaroni necklace" that my son made for me in pre-school. I loved it. I too , would take it out and admire it. Unfortunately , as time went by it broke all up. Enjoy your treasures!

Lisa , sorry you are sick honey. Tell Dennis to fix you some chicken soup! Get well soon.xxxx

Judie , so glad to here your retreat went well. I did a retreat at church one time that was awesome. But , I did feel some what depressed after I got home. Back into reality! Hope that great feeling stays with you always.

Sue , hope you are having a fabulous holiday! Miss you!

OK , I have tons of things to do. I don't know when I will be here again. Just know that I love you all very much. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Love you , Melody

portiasproudmom

We'll miss you, Mel!  Check in with us when you're settled in and get the chance.

Love and hugs,

Karen

geebung

Hi to all my beautiful long lost sisters and UB, it's midnight and just got back here for a few days.

As usual, I haven't read through the miles of posts here so I am not up to date. However, I did see a few of them...

Ulla - congratulations on passing your exam - I am thrilled for you! You are brilliant!

Sue - I hope you are having a fantastic holiday!

Melody, I will say a special prayer for you and your SO. Of course he isn't a bad person. I think there is such a range of levels of addiction from those who can take it or leave it and others who have one drink/smoke or whatever and are hooked - so hard to give up. You have stuck by him and given him so much support but I think you are doing the right thing - he knows that you still support him and care for him but you need to protect yourself and give yourself a break - it could well be that this separation might give him some perspective. I hope I am saying the right things here - I have only read your most recent post and don't know the recent happenings so I am not very up to date.

 Will try to read more tomorrow.

I'm going for my yearly mammo tomorrow. I'm not worried though. I'm sure everything will be ok. 

Love to everyone,

Jane xxx 

1Cathi

Good Day all - Just wanted to share the most valuable lesson I have learned this AM since the Bilat -  took my normal AM shower and for the first time after the surgery felt as though I could use my Terry Cloth wrap around towel , always put that on and Putz around the house doing what ever -coffee, laundry etc,  so for over an hour everytime I move stand up, what ever the darn think slips down to my waste and becomes a skirt - the velcro still is good -what the heck, I can't fiqure it out - so I finally decide well just get dressed -  then in front of the mirror- DUH!!!!!!!!!!! It hits me - NO BOOBS - Your flat as a board it just slides down -  The moral to my story -  I must NEVER waer a Tube top in public again (without prosthesis anyway).  I'll have to look for one with straps -

lvtwoqlt

Cathi, I am glad that I didn't have anything in my mouth when I read your post or I would be buying the company a new keyboard. It looks like you have accepted the new you, not rememebering you don't have any boobs to hold the towel up.

Even though I am not on any anti-hormonal meds (tamox) any more I am still having the terrible warm (HOT) flushes to my face every day at work. The crazy thing is my hands and feet are staying cold so I have a heater by my desk to warm up my feet and hands and a fan on the shelf blowing on my face to cool it off. I just wish I could get my internal temperature better regulated. I don't have the night sweats any more just the feeling that my face is on fire the biggest part of the day.

Sheila

1Cathi

Yes Shelia I have 99.9% accepted the new me and life is grand. I only took the Tamox about 8/Mo,  I had horrible side effects, my onco tried 3 diffrent regemines on taking it -  but I was very much non-functioning from the SE,  OH the hot flashes, just wonderful, mine are under control right now (well mostly) I know the controversy on The Soy Milk thing, my onco did say in moderation it was ok -1 8OZ glass a day has worked wonders  - far better than efforex or anything else that I tried,  treatments for BC and just being a woman of 48 sure can put our bodies in a tail spin.

I am glad I spared you computer -  It is quite wonderful that I have forgotten I don't have the girls anymore -  I just better be careful with the out in public attire.

xoxoxoxoxoxo -Cathi

lvtwoqlt

I too took the tamox about 8 months after my 2nd dx of ADH in 2006 and my poor husband didn't know who he was coming home to every weekend, the mood swings were terrible, almost as bad as when I tried the birth control pill when we got married. I think anytime I tried to alter my hormone level, my body totally rebelled. My doctor and I decided that after my bilat, it was better to get rid of some of the se's and go off the tamox as opposed to the reduced risk of taking it any longer. I think now my problems are like you said, part of being a 48 yr old woman (I just turned 48 a month ago).  My mom was able to take it for the full 5 years with only hot flashes but not the mood swings that I know of.

Sheila

sueps

Hellloooooooooooooo x x x x x x x x x x

Sisters I am back in the UK ...BACK IN THE FREAKING RAIN ...but I am feeling healthy and bootface freeeeeeeeeeeeee  lol....well as the hours go by back here I am getting sluggish lol

Hey I have missed y'all...... and I LOVE YOU ....

Cathi you make me laugh hahahaha..... good job you didnt have the window cleaner around...xxx

Ok bak in a bit.... my tan is great the boys loved every minute and I am thankful xxxx 

HA HA HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH BOOTFACE ...ONE UP ON YOU!!!!!!! 

1Cathi

Oh I can totally relate to those mood swings, the onco that I had at the time ( whom we dropped like a bad habit) started me on it a few weeks into rads,  we questioned him on SE for (pre-menapause and starting it while doing rads) he was so arrogant and rude -  bluntly said all the side effects he ever saw was hot flashes and weight gain in his 25+yrs,  well anyway it was a nightmare,  about 2 weeks in to Tamox and 3 weeks into rads - I was not able to even get out of beds, shower or anything on my own, could not drive (dizzy all the time w/headaches) nausea, vomiting, you name it I had it - Ed had to take me to rads many days in a wheel chair -  when we finally stopped it  -I think it took several months for the SE to completely go by the way side -  there are woman who do get greatly effected by meds that alter their hormone balances - espically if you are pre-menapause - I would have liked to have taken it - just for additional peace of mind - but one has to function, my mood swings went from Joyous and Happy  - to uncontrolled crying-  Ed was luck I never got the "mean -nasty" ones - But cry oh my gosh. Well thnk goodness all that is over, and we are now able to live happy and healthy!!!!