I can't get my act together and I don't know why

wishiwere

Well Harley You can call me, I have No kids at home and dh is on the road and I'm not working and really just a lazy woman, who's bestest friends won't sit with at her table on the cruise unless she quits cleaning drawers, so I'm nearly friendless now too!   I don't have family coming for the weekend!

Harley44

spar,

We were going on a two week,  ULTRA LUXURY CRUISE, over Christmas & New Years!  The cruise line is Silver Sea, and ALL THE DRINKS are included, even alcohol and sodas!  It sure sounds like a dream, maybe because it IS! 

We decided to go on a shorter, 12 day cruise next year, in February, again, around my dh's birthday, Feb. 12th.  We went on a 7 day cruise this past Feb...kind of last minute deal, and it was fun, but oh, so short!  

My dh is working at a little part time job selling hot sauce at a tourist trap resort shop called Belches N Burps.  He likes it, but as he says, "it's beer money". 

No, I couldn't have children, because I have premature ovarian failure... an auto immune condition, so I could never get pregnant.

Again, I don't want to post here on this board, while I am feeling negative... it is getting annoying to others, so I shall stop. 
But, I will still read some of the posts, because this feels like a family, and I want to keep up on how everyone is doing.

I am ok....don't worry...

Harley

wishiwere

{{HARLEY}} You know darn well, if it were me or Shirley, GSG or anyone else in your place right now, YOU'D be the first one slapping them for saying they were getting annoying to others!  THere is simply NO truth to that and you have got to believe that girl! 

We CARE!  And caring means caring about it all, not just when you are positive and up and fun and joking, but down and out and feeling blue, yellow or green or what ever!  We're here, lady, like or not, for the long haul, K? 

We love you and want you to voice your opinions, whether they are upbeat, or downtrodden or just in limbo and hanging around.  BIG OLD {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} my friend.  We're gonna be there for you if it means spending the rest of our days on this one THREAD with YOU only!

spar2

Hey Harley, I like listening to you whether your up or down.  You are never annoying - ever!!!  If you can't say what you want and when you want here, well, where could you.  So please share your troubles and burdens with us.

Harley44

Thanks!

But, just now, I am getting too many pms telling me to seek counselling... I just can't do it, don't do it... it just isn't ME...

I will be seeing my onc nurse next month, and I will ask her if there are any anti depressants I can take that WON'T interfere with Tamoxifen. 

I'll be alright, don't worry.

Thanks, you really are such a nice group of women! 

Harley

LisaSDCA

Harley, first off - shall I start posting some negative stuff about my crankiness so that you feel more camaraderie? Would that help? Because I know you wouldn't decide that I was annoying if I shared some of my losses or troubles due to my two (or three) autoimmune conditions. No - you would empathize. Let us do that for/with you, uhm'kay? If it feels like family here let us be a decent family, not a dysfunctional one where you have to hide the difficult stuff. We've all got difficult stuff! Read the title of the thread, for goodness'sake!

Secondly: We like you woman, and miss you when you are gone. If you don't go to see a counselor, it's cool. To me, you are a grown woman and can make these decisions for yourself. And probably have damned good reasons for making the decisions that you do. Counseling works for some people. Some people run. Others knit. Some get a dog. Some drink (not recommended ). For many, it's tincture of time. You know what's best for Harley.

Lisa

wishiwere

Harley, I totally understand not talking to a counselor or psych or what ever, so I hope you don't think i was pushing you, k?  I was/am just worried about you and knew you were keeping a lot to yourself and avoiding sharing with us, that's why I mentioned it.  You can't keep it inside ALL the time, you need to release those feelings to someone and I thought you wouldn't to us   As long as you aren't keeping it in and have a release, whether us or a close friend, then that's what you need.  But we still care and will be here to listen and/or rant along with you about our dippy dh's and lives too dear!  Believe me....I could go on and on about my family and the pushing they are doing to get me back into the old self. I just don't fit that mold any more   I tried, and I can't do it.  I'm different, I think differently, I even have to clean differently.  I can't keep up the same pace no matter what I try.  I do a load of laundry and dishes, running up and down the basement steps and I'm exhausted.  Hoe a row and I'm exhausted.  I have to rest and I feel like my mother can and does run circles around me!  She's always felt a woman who naps is lazy!  Can you imagine what she thinks of me now!?  HA!  What ever!  i'm me and can't change for someone else, only me!  It will happen, I'm just not sure when and how it will all come together and in what form I'm be in?  Please.....remember we care and are here and no one is telling you to see someone or talk to someone to get you to quit talking on here, believe me!  IF they are complaining about it, let us know and we'll deal with it, K?  {{hugs}} friend...

kes

Harley,

Talking to counsellors is not for everyone. My girlfriend will not go to marriage counselling as she dosen't want someone else to know her business. For me it helps to sort my thoughts and feelings out. Otherwise they just go around in my head and around and around and I am up until 4 am and they are still going. I can't get to a resolution. It is not for everyone. Hope you feel better. It will happen.

Kerry

BMac

Harley, I love your brutal honesty!  I know what you're talking about.  I just had a fight with my husband and my son and told my husband that he can't possibly understand what it's like for me.  I have no breasts, my hair's growing way too slow, my nails are eff'd, I'm tired all the time and have no energy, etc.

I tried bathing suits on the other day.  What a nightmare, but not for the reason you might think.  The top looked fine; I picked a tank top type top and I just looked flat chested (LOL).  It was the bottom.  It was one of those boy cuts which look dreadful on me because I have short legs and lots of cellulite.  Of course the lighting in the dressing room didn't help.  Those flourescent lights sucked up the last thread of my self esteem.

Anyway, I found a bathing suit the next day with a high cut leg and tank top and I looked okay.  It was a tankini as I have a very long body and, at 5' 2" have to buy a TALL in a one piece!

A cruise sounds just the ticket.  It's my favourite type of vacation and Spar's right; they don't have to cost a lot of money at all.  Good luck.

Anonymous

Okay, Harley, it's unanimous!  YOU ARE ORDERED TO COME HERE AND POST GRIPES!  Or either go on the "gripe" thread.  Or post on both threads.  IT'S AN ORDER!  If you don't know HOW to take orders, ask your retired Navy husband.  I'm sure he can tell you...it's YES MA'AM!

Okay, I'm not an x-ray machine.  However, from the outside looking in at your smile your teeth look just fine.  I can't tell you if you have cavities, or whatever, but YOU look great.  Yes, keep your job.  Pay off your dental work.  And then send me the rest for my dental work. LOL  And I've got a little dental insurance, but not enough to cover what I need done AGAIN!  Darn dry mouth!

You are our friend and sister.  If you don't feel up to posting, then don't.  But keep everyone happy and at least check in.  I have your number.  I can bug you anytime I want. 

And WE (don't we girls?) promise never to ever tell you to see a shrink. 

{{{Bug Hugs}}}

Shirley 

wishiwere

Awwwwwwwww...I love that bug hug!  So right!  So, we'll just keep bugging you (instead of cleaning of course) untill you are returned safe and sound and held tight within our little group again, Harley!

   Sounds like a plan to me!

sueper13

Hi all,

Back from the woods, it was wonderful.  Really nice, simple, out in the middle of nowhere in East Texas on a little lake, a rowboat for fishing and a hot tub.  I took a nap every day.  We had a really nice visit with each other with no telephone and no TV. Played some cards, talked, walked, and ate really good food that was really bad for us.

Wish,  good job on stopping the cleaning.  I was only bluffing about not sitting with you on the cruise.  I want to get to know you on the cruise as you are one of the authors of the shovel party concept and I love a friend who can come up with occasional true mayhem.

Harley, please don't stop posting.  Come here and be as sad or as mad as you need to be for as long as you need to be and no one will think badly of you.  We don't feel like the rest of the world does, we understand.  We love you. And whether you see a counselor or not is your own private business.

I hope you feel better soon, but I want to hear about it either way.  I really want to. 

Love,

Sue 

darah58

Sue,

I can't get my act together -- I'm still trying to become accustomed to DCIS and rads.  Thanks to all of you -- are you doing OK?  I feel a little isolated.

Darah

sueper13

Darah,

Sorry you feel isolated.  Keep posting here, it's Saturday night so a little slow tonight, but usually people are here chiming right in.  I'm doing okay.  I'm halfway through 6 rounds of chemo, had a left breast mastectomy April 2nd, and will have radiation afterward.  

All the support you could ever want is here, you have come to the right place.

Hugs,

Sue 

wishiwere

I'm so jealous of your time away!  Shoot, we can't find two nickles to rub together this week to save our souls!  Seems when it rains it pours!  Had to fix my catalitic converter this week   ALWAYS something!  And dh has only had 4 of 5 days work the last 2 weeks, so that's a bite too! 

Things have no where to go but up huh? :P

Welcome Darah.....don't be sad, be glad you found a great place to call home away from home!  

Okay, off to check a little of the forum and then to bed.  Long day....

Anonymous

Well guys, I thought I was maybe starting to get my act together but that went in the crapper this week. Bad mammo......got recalled and that did not make me feel good. The exrtra views were ouchy and the tech "forgot" I only had one boob! WTH she just saw me a week ago! Don't ya think you'd remember this about someone you just saw??? Then the US took too long.........more crappiness. Now I gotta wait for "the call" to see the Doc.

The rest of the day....friday the 13th was spent at relay for life and trying to survive mother natures wrath with 7 of us huddled in a small tent or in my car.

I'll take going to prison or to the woods anyday right now as long as there are no mammo machines and I can smoke all I want and not have to wear my foob or cook or clean. Somedays I'd like to just pack it in and hide out up north at the cabin. Friday the 13th was H#ll!

Harley.........stick around. For all you've had to go through, how can anyone expect you to just get over it. The body may heal but the mind and spirit take longer. These things that have taken a toll over a long period of time do not just go away right away because others think we are done. Time sweetie.....give yourself time.

Kes.......glad your happy with the nice new soft boobs! That's great!

Wish.....that's the rule...or at least I thought so.....it's got nowhere else to go but up.....hope so!

Sue.....I am going back to the woods tomorrow, then for the first 2 weeks of july! If things don't smarten up I may just stay there!

Darah....welcome. I feel your sadness. I had a right breast mast in march for DCIS. Come and spend some time with all these these great ladies........it will help cheer you up or at least get a good laugh. We know were your coming from.

Please remind me to NOT go for mammos on friday the 13th!

BMac

I can't get my act together.  Everything and everybody bugs me.  I'm on edge all the time.  I hate having cancer a second time.  Although I'm not devastated losing my breasts I sit here with hair that's growing in way too slowly, no breasts, eff'd nails that look like I have leprosy, having to wear a tensor bandage all the time because the stupid homecare nurse took the drains out on day 3!!! and I'm tired and have no energy.  Not to mention two (of two) sisters and a friend who have abandoned me.  DH went up to friend's chalet up north with her hubby and another male friend to play golf.  Where's my invite?  I sure could use a break...go up to Collingwood and rest and relax without having to go through the daily grind, go shopping, eat out.

I'm this close to seeing if I can arrange to stay at the Princess Margaret Lodge while I have rads starting on Wed.  PM Lodge is associated with PMH and is for out of town patients.  I just don't know if I'm out of town enough.  I just need to get away.

Anonymous

Barbara,

A second diagnosis with bc is enough to overwhelm anyone! I am so sorry you have lost the support of those you need most. Right now, it sounds like you need to relax and have someone take care of your every whim!

Maybe you could plan to stay at least one week at the Princess Margaret Lodge, if you can't do it the entire time. I think that would be a nice treat.

Please come back and talk to us often! We'll be your cheerleaders!

Best wishes,

Miss S

BMac

Thanks Miss  S  I needed to vent.  I checked the PM Lodge website and it is for people outside of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area) and, unfortunately I am within the GTA.  I need to just relax and enjoy the nice weather and the peace of my backyard.  I need to stop thinking about those who let me down and think of all those who are there for me.

When DH went up north last week (2 days) those were the two days I had to go downtown for appointments.  I felt so alone which is unusual because I'm usually so independent.  My friends I can usually rely on both work Tuesdays and Wednesdays so I was on my own and didn't want to be.

Thanks for the support.

sueper13

Barbara,

I know just what you mean.  I am really independent too, but this has been different.  I have wanted my dh at every appointment, but luckily he has felt the same way.  That is how it should be, and you are not wrong to want that unconditional, loving support.    

I hope they start giving it to you. 

But if not, we will.

Hugs,

Sue 

BMac

Thanks Sue, hubby's usually good.  It was just bad timing last week.  I wanted him to go away for a few days.  He's on a week of vacation and he works hard.  I think it was mainly because he was at our friend's place and the guys go up but the girls don't.  If I had asked him to stay home to go with me he would have.  It was unfortunate the way thinks worked out.

I love this place.  It's so inspiring and supportive.

Anonymous

Here I go again not having time to respond to everyone.  But I felt I needed to respond to two wonderful women.  Yes, WE ARE WONDERFUL! 

Darah, come back and back and back.  We may not be able to be there for you in person, but we will support you the best we can.  I think we've all felt that "isolation" thing.  We understand.

Barbara, I'm sorry you had to do some of this on your own.  I'm going for my mammo tomorrow and I would NOT want to face this again.  Hang one, girlfriend. 

I promise, Barbara and Darah, that we'll have you laughing.  I have gotten many laughs out of these crazy women. 

Speaking of crazy:

Crazydaisy, I'm hoping and praying that your US comes out just fine.  My fingers, arms, toes and eyes are crossed for you.  The ONLY thing nice about where I go...if they think they need more pics we wait and have it done RIGHT THEN...and if they need to do a US, it's done RIGHT THEN.  I hope I don't have to do more than ONE mammo and they let me the H out of there!

Shirley

Anonymous

Here I go again not having time to respond to everyone.  But I felt I needed to respond to two wonderful women.  Yes, WE ARE WONDERFUL! 

Darah, come back and back and back.  We may not be able to be there for you in person, but we will support you the best we can.  I think we've all felt that "isolation" thing.  We understand.

Barbara, I'm sorry you had to do some of this on your own.  I'm going for my mammo tomorrow and I would NOT want to face this again.  Hang one, girlfriend. 

I promise, Barbara and Darah, that we'll have you laughing.  I have gotten many laughs out of these crazy women. 

Speaking of crazy:

Crazydaisy, I'm hoping and praying that your US comes out just fine.  My fingers, arms, toes and eyes are crossed for you.  The ONLY thing nice about where I go...if they think they need more pics we wait and have it done RIGHT THEN...and if they need to do a US, it's done RIGHT THEN.  I hope I don't have to do more than ONE mammo and they let me the H out of there!

Gotta run and dry my hair.  DD is coming over soon.  Have to start getting ready for tomorrow's trip. 

Shirley

Harley44

Lisa,

Thanks!  I also have a couple of auto-immune issues, and since reading some of these posts on these threads, I am convinced that auto immune conditions are a contributing cause of cancer.  My thought is that while our bodies are fighting this 'invader', that is not REALLY an invader, it is our SELF, that is when cancer, the silent invader, sneaks in. 

wishiwere,

Maybe I am just too sensitive.  Friends and family seem pretty scarce these days, and I wonder what I did to cause this...   I also can't keep up with all the work at home, and I feel like I should have more energy.   Thanks for understanding! 

Barbara-

My bikini days are LONG PAST!  My stomach sticks out so far, I look like a cartoon!  I keep looking for a special  swimsuit with slimming waist, you know, the 'shirring', and those 'miracle suits', but they cost over $100!! 

Barb, we are so alike!  Everything and everyone bugs me, too!  I feel like I have constant PMS, and I think it's from the Tamoxifen that I have to take.  My family and friends have deserted me!  But, WE won't desert you!!  You can come here any time, and vent away!   It DOES help, to get things off your chest, when others (who should care) won't listen.

Sorry you are having to deal with bc again...It sucks!

Kerry,

Thanks for your support!

Shirley,

Ok, ok, ok... I'll check in once in awhile...   It is nice to know that someone cares!  Really... 

Guess what?  My boss called and asked me to work tomorrow...  I am such a wimp, I said YES... but, I added that I just can't work ALL DAY, so we talked and she said I can work 12 to 6 tomorrow and Wednesday, and she TOOK me OFF for SATURDAY!!!  That is good!   I still think that I will have to look around to find a new job.     

I am thinking this job may last til September, then I'll find something else.  It is just so hard on my legs, standing all day!! 

I ALSO have DRY MOUTH, and it really SUCKS!  oh, I'm not on the bitchy thread... I forgot... sorry...

 LOVE the bug hugs!  Thanks!  You are so sweet! 

Sue, that trip at the lake sounds great!  My dh and I used to camp sometimes, and it was fun. 

Darah,

Welcome!  Please come here, and post often!  This is a great group of women who really understand, because they have been there.

crazydaisy,

Good luck with your test results!!  I am having another trans vaginal u/s soon, and I'm kind of nervous, because I just HATE those things!  I have fibroid tumors, so I have to keep getting these u/s every year and it is annoying!

Well, I cleaned the bathroom today, but I still can't get my act together, and I still don't know why!

Harley

sueper13

Harley,

At least you cleaned the bathroom!! I saw a FLEA in the house, and I had to spray for them and vacuum--wore a face mask, I hate and fear all chemicals now, but I had to get rid of the fleas!! I was afraid I would get a bite and get worse LE, and no one was home but me, and my dh will be pissed that I sprayed, but I couldn't stand it!! I took the dogs outside and bathed them and put their flea stuff on them and then made them stay outside all day while the fleas theoretically all dropped off outside, treated the inside of the house and when my dh gets home I'm going to make him spray the yard...I hate fleas!!!!!!  And they love me!!! But it's over now, they're all dead!!!

Hope everyone has a great evening, we are having steak on the grill and fresh corn, mmmmmmmmmm!

Love,

Sue 

Harley44

Sue,

Glad you got rid of the fleas!  I hate fleas, and I hate bugs!! 

I also hate chemicals, and have lately started sweating like a pig, when I am cleaning the bathroom, and I HATE that, but I seem to be the only one who even notices the dirt.  I know that my dh notices dirt, because when he was living back in DC, he would tell me that his room mates were pigs, and he had to clean up after them, especially the kitchen and the bathroom!   But now that he's back home, he can't see the dirt...

Harley

ICanDoThis

Well, I just totally blew it.

I forgot Father's Day.

Our daughter is 18, but has ADD, and just isn't good at remembering anything.

I'm the one who always did this - just as my dear, dear husband did for Mother's Day.

Better, but still not perfect.

Sue

kes

Hi Ladies,

WOW, Lots to catch up on.

Shirley,

Love the bug hug. His teddy is too cute.

Sue,

Weekend away sounds great and I HATE FLEAS TOO!!!

Darah And Barb,

I wake up in the morning and I feel the isloated feeling. A very weird feeling. Hang in there. I also am very independent and need my time ALONE.

Barb and Viv,

I am in Ontario also. South of London. Viv I hope your results come back O.K.

Ladies, I tell ya 2 of my good girlfriends are out of the picture and a 3rd one is kind of weird about the BC thing. One male friend has also fallen off the radar. Funny, Barb said "leprosy" in her post and that is what I was thinking about the last couple of days. I am the "girl with leprosy" in my crowd of friends. It SUCKS!!! BC takes so much away from us.

Harley,

I think that I am in a constant state of PMS and everything and everyone bugs me. I told my DH if he bugs me anymore that I am going to buy the house for sale across the street and move in there. Perimenopausal also. It is just grand to be a female.

Have a job interview also tomorrow. Why do I do this to myself? I have a part time job and it is demanding, a DH and a little DD, and BC. Can I handle a new job? Don't know. But I do know that I work best under pressure. See how it goes.

I would rather work than clean!!!!

Wish,

We are getting another storm tonight. I tell ya my back yard is starting to look like a jungle. All I need now is the "lions and tigers and bears, oh no!!"

Sue,

Sorry that you forgot about Father's Day. We have to remember EVERYTHING!

Have a good Monday Ladies,

Kerry

drcrisc

Sue/ICan - Well, it's not like you don't have anything else to think about right now.  Make him whatever he likes best for dinner tomorrow and I'm sure he'll forgive you. 

Texas Sue - Glad you had a great weekend...sorry for the fleas!   Also, I will be thinking about your ds's dgf while she's traveling.  No weirdos!!

Early on I had the isolated feelings, too, but this site has helped those tremendously and I have been fortunate to be surrounded with loads of support.  I wish I could send it out to some of you and share (sending supportive thoughts...sending supportive thoughts...)

Does this qualify for the not cleaning group?  My dd had her birthday party a week ago and there are still gift bags in her room with gifts in them that no one has put away.  She probably won't until I prompt her (yes, Kerry, it's the Little Dictator) and I just don't feel like it.  So they'll probably just sit there until I get tired of seeing them in her room. 

wishiwere

drcrisc...perhaps asking the little dictator if she hasn't taken the gifts out of the bags, that perhaps she doesn't need them or has too many and should donate them?  Then maybe she'll get them out and you can do away with the bags?

HARLEY!  Glad you are posting and NO!  You are not TOO sensitive, you are a woman who's gone through tremendous changes in her life in a very short while and it's going to take some time to gain both her confidence (which I may NEVER regain) and her energy back.  I'm doing relatively well with the energy MOST days, but there are some I just can't function in.  Those days, NOTHING gets done.  Even my hair!   What little there is.  Just keep on talking here and letting anything out you need to, and honey.....IF you get a boost of energy would come do my bathroom?  I HATE that job!

Kerry? I finally remembered to turn on the basement dehumidifier.  Hoping that will suck up some of the humidity and help with these night time hot flashes and keep the A/C costs down!  I just can't sleep in this mess!