TIME TO CIRCLE THE WAGONS GIRLS

newvickie

omg..didn't think of that LOL!
An all day ride tomorrow...sounds like fun...stay safe.

marshakb

Oh no, Jan, let Vickie go pull a pratical joke on Melissa and Tami so the rest of us can sit back and watch! LOL Too funny Vickie.

Jan you sounded like the scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil and his son start doing the evil laugh.

beth1225

I am sorry I brought up old news. I do understnad that there is a big difference. You need to all understand I cannot stay here after all of this. I appreciate everything everyone had to say. I am still at risk even though I have had the surgeries. I will always be looking over my shoulder. I have never ever tried to compare my journey to anyone else's and I don't know why it was thought that way. I guess the pm I sent to Jan didn't come across the way I meant it either. So, Jan, I am sorry again for not getting my point understood.

I wish everyone well and will still pray for those who need it. Keep in touch for those who want to. Its been nice sharing with you for these few months. I know when I am not welcome and don't anyone tell me different. I should have taken the hint so long ago and we would not be revisiting this. Sometimes, I need to get hit in the head more than once for it to sink in. Maybe I would have left my 1st husband sooner if that weren't true, LOL.

By the way, the "get it" part holds true on both sides. The people here have all faced cancer but nobody here has ever had anyone say you will get cancer, it is a matter of when, not if. I was told by age 50 I would get some form of either breast or ovarian cancer. The odds were overwhelmingly against me between the family history and the BRCA2. I felt like I have been running from it for the past several years. Yes, I am glad I don't have cancer. Is that why I feel like the bastard at the family reunion? That is the way I have been made to feel.

I look at these blobs that used to be breasts and I am so afraid of what it will be like to get intimate again with my husband. I am scared and nervous. Do any of you think my not having cancer makes this any easier? Because of cancer, whether I have it or not, my life has been changed. It is not changed in the same way as yours have, but it is because of cancer that I had this surgery. That is my point.

nosurrender

I stand by what I wrote Beth because none of it suggested in the slightest that you leave. In fact, NO ONE suggested you leave.

I DO know what it is like to be in the highbeams of cancer coming- anyone who has been dx'd with cancer is at in increased risk of ovarian and a second breast cancer. Do you know what it is like to be an MRI away from mets?

This is NOT a competition. It was simply a pointing out that prophy is not the same as having breast cancer. It was not a slam or a slight or anything of the kind. Your announcing that you are leaving is what is making it seem bad.

As for your "blobs" - I have them too- I am not married and have the prospect of dating again. I also had to give up being a mother because of breast cancer.

We all have our own reality. We were just asking that we each own the cards we were dealt and not try to become something we are not.

It would be a shame if you left because that would mean that no one could express what they are feeling.

The general consensus here is that you are well liked and part of the group. Your leaving is your choice- no one has asked you to, nor implied it. Feelings about our own battles were being expressed that is all.

g

susanmcm

hi all,
I'm here. still looking for jobs, no luck yet. this will be an important part of my recovery. I've thought a lot about not having anything to look forward to and cancer how that fits together and now I'm trying to find my new normal. Prt of that means having something else besides cancer that is important in my life.

It's great to come here and read posts. I still love you all a lot. the good vibe is still here.

Gina, what could happen so that you feel more comfortable in the circle. If there were more people actually going through treatments and dealing with the crap? Would that make it feel better. I am so glad that I'm a little farther away from the beast. It isn't the first thought that wakes me up in the morning anymore. But I still want to support those who are in that position. Not all my energy of course, but "some". I owe it to my sisters who are in pain. I know what it is like when the beast is in your face every moment. What can I do to help?? For all of you facing treatments recurrance, etc. what would help? I will think about it also.

susan

AlaskaDeb

Checking in one last time before getting out of town, and found your note Beth…

OK…chalk it up to lack of “tone” when reading a post or just flat miscommunication…but NO ONE was talking about you leaving! You related a conversation you had with a survivor…You said she told you you should be glad to be cancer free and that having prof mast instead of one for cancer were not really the same thing. ( I am paraphrasing here…) Then you asked if we felt the same way….

All people did was answer your question. No one asked you to leave.

When I said we were rehashing old conversations I meant I thought we had already had this discussion and we all now knew your status. I am not saying that the fact that you have not had cancer means you can’t post here! Of course you can ANYONE can.

This place is not about playing “My life is worse than yours” or “My diagnosis is worse than yours”. That is a game that no one can win.

Just like when this conversation was held last time I think that I am trying to say Live your life! Yes, it is crappy to be high risk…I should know…I have a 30 to 40 % chance my cancer will come back and kill me….talk to ME about high risk! Yes, it is crappy to have mastectomy…I KNOW I had both my breasts removed.

Beth, you are a valued member of this community. We have many, many things in common. Hopefully we will never have cancer in common.

If you feel like you need to quit posting, that is your choice. Frankly I still don’t get where all this came from.

Sometime I just get tired of the angst here….
Once again, just my humble opinion
Deb C

AlaskaDeb

OK…this time I really an out of here for a few days

I am going to spend the next 6 days on an island out in Cook Inlet visiting with family and friends at their fish camp. No phone, no computer, only a generator for electricity...a big beach to walk every day…..sounds like heaven.

I’ll miss you guys
Bugs and Fishes
Deb C

Anonymous

It's been quite a while since I wrote a message in here...my prayer group has been working just fine and I put my faith in the lord. But you gals are so interesting I just enjoy reading sometimes.

But sometimes--it seems to me--things stop being as friendly as they should be. I mean, what's a girl supposed to do if she's got this gene that says she'll get cancer. If she's supposed to get them off, then she does it, right?!! Doesn't that make sense?!

Well, suppose now this is kinda of a scary thing to do and she wants to talk to some girls, where does she go? I don't know, but I think she gets to go somewhere.

You gals seem like a nice group of women to me, but what I don't get is why you have so many arguments about who belongs and who doesn't. Maybe you need a long, detailed application form, then you wouldn't have so mnay arguments. I tell you, we don't have problems like this in my prayer group.

So that's my two cents for what it's worth.

Buffalogal

jasmine

flush toilets??

beth1225

Gina, if I cannot express my feelings about what i am personally going through because it would upset someone then tell me how can I stay in this thread? I cannot help it if I have some feelings too. This is a true debacle and one that will never be solved. I will always be a reminder of their not having been given a choice. I got very lucky that my uncle got the family into a research study when he did. Otherwise, according to both the breast surgeon and the oncologist, by virtue of the path report from the bilateral, I would be getting chemo and maybe more within the next 2 years had I not had the surgery. That was not a maybe or guess on their part.

I have never tried to compete. I resent being told that I was. I am also not trying to be something else. If those feelings are out there it is not my fault. The surgery I had might have been prophylactic but they did all the same work whether I had cancer or not. The pectoral muscles were sliced through and I did not have cancer cells growing.

As my grandmother used to say, we all carry our troubles in our own hats. You can't know what others are really feeling deep down because their hat may be too deep to see it. And if you had to trade you probably would keep your own set of problems rather than take on another's. Well, she was a simple woman and her heart was always in the right place. I sure hope everyone here knows my heart was always trying to be in the right place too. I never intended to be hurtful in any way.

jasmine

Interesting! A poster who signed up in February with a total of 4 posts and 3 in the circle...the last over 4 months ago that shows up when someone decides to start up an old controversy. Things that make you go....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

nosurrender

Yes Jas, it gets curiouser and curiouserrrrrr

Beth, this is what you said:

Quote:

---

Hi Vickie, no posse necessary. The other thing that I have not told anyone except dh is what someone said at the ps office last week. I was so excited to finally get my drain out after 8 weeks I almost danced out of the exam room. I was waiting to make my next appt and the woman sitting next to me asked what I had done. I told her it was a prophylactic mast and it was to lower my risk of getting bc. Unfortunately, I had a lot of complications afterwards with infections. She told me I should be glad to be cancer free and I said I was. then she said the problems I am having are nothing compared to chemo and I agreed. Then she said I would never have to worry again. Well, there I told her she was wrong that I could get bc or ovarian cancer even after the surgeries. No guarantees there, lady. She made me feel guilty that I complained about my aches and pains and worries. Do you guys feel that way too? The spectre of cancer does not go away with a cut of a knife. And I will have to go back on Tamoxifen as well after the tweaking is finished. I am so confused at this point and still wondering if this was the right thing to do. Thanks for listening to my rant.

---

You asked us how we feel.
We answered you.

Would you prefer that we lied to you?

I am not going to relive the past here when this became a big kerfluffle. I will also not let the words of those who expressed their honest feelings be misconstrued into something malicious- BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT.

If you choose to make them malicious that is your choice.

Susan- I just love you. There is nothing that can be done but I love you for asking.

marshakb

Beth, honey, you asked a straight out question. You got a straight out answer. To be honest, when I read your post, I felt bad for the survivor in your docs office. In your own words you were "dancing out". Most us save the dancing for NED. You probably just unconsiously set her off. That can happen very easily with a cancer survivor.

I'm not a "regular" poster but I read everything that is posted here. I love it here. I didn't hear anyone suggest that you are not wanted. I'm sure you got lots of cards and emails and such in support of your decision. I'm pratically having to BEG to have the uniboob removed and I have HAD cancer. Please Beth, you are sooooo lucky, don't turn this into something it is not.

Hugs from Amy to Z! Marsha

jasmine

NS -- please come back to the circle. We miss you.

nosurrender

(((JAS!)))

jasmine

While I admire the courage it takes to get a prophylatic mastectomy to prevent getting breast cancer, I refuse to be made to feel guilty because I don't think it can even begin to compare to being diagnosed with stage 3B cancer . I'm just not going to be manipulated that way.

Anonymous

We are friends of many different faces, stages, and treatments. If it werent for all of you, I dont know how I would have gotten through this journey. That is why this wagon circle is so great.

I have not read the posts. For some reason, Im sorta afraid tonight to do that.

Hey - at least I picked a picture of young people forming a circle.

Ok! Im just gonna have to share my thoughts post by post.

Beth: I was told at age 42 that I was at risk for breast cancer and ovarian cancer. That was when my sister died of ovarian cancer at the age of 46. They didnt do genetic testing then. That was 15 years ago September 8th. They didnt have genetic testing then. My sisters gyne/onc recommended I get bil. mast and removal of ovaries then - I poo pooed him away. If I did what he suggested, I wouldnt be where I am today. A broken woman who has aged 10 years, doesnt have perky boobs - trying to recover from the chemo that devistated my immune system. Loss my long dark beautiful hair. I lost Nicki - havent found her and dont know if I will. So be care when using the term none of you or all of you.

jasmine

Well, I for one think its time to get back to the spirit of the Circle tonight. Time to move on from the negative to the positive.

The blue rinks are on me tonight!

It was so nice to see our sweet NS back for a bit. Please tell us how you are doing? Is the Abraxane getting any better? Did you check into if you could get them in smaller weekly doses?

Cheri -- I think we need some turbo charged wheelchair rides around the camp. I'll pay you a dollar to pop a wheelie with Vickie on the back. hehehehe!

Sheri -- Did you get your house cleaned up yet from that party we had? I think Liz is looking for some of her drawers. I'm not sure why she took em off. Maybe she can explain.

marshakb

Buffalogal, your post sounds a little odd for someone who got this kind of response here when you were first diagnosed:

Hi Buffalogal....sorry you've joined the club no one wants to belong to. Get youself a notebook/folder and start getting copies of all your tests, info and pathology report. Once you see your doctor, you'll know more and have a plan. Stick here and and we'll wrap you in a warm blanket, care and support.

Hugs
Liz


Welcome Buffalogal,
Sorry you had to join us, but glad you did. This is a group of the warmest, friendliest, understanding and funny people that I have ever met. I know you are overwhelmed right now, we've all been there and still are having our fights. Here we call Cancer "The Beast." We're all here for you.
Denise


Awwwww Buffalogal, everything is going to be alright. I know you are really scared right now but you aren't alone. Once you get a treatment plan and find out exactly what you're dealing with then it will become easier. Did they tell you what stage you are or anything about it? You are more than welcome to join our circle. We'll put in the middle and keep you safe. There's also a forum you might like for newly diagnosed people. If you have any questions we'll be glad & try & help you. We've all been right where you are right now. Some of us still are. Welcome.

You pal,
Cheri

I could go on but I think I have made my point. Hope you don't treat your prayer group the same way.

Marsha

jasmine

Marsha, I'm pretty sure this poster is someone on bco using a multiple account.

lv2cmp

just a quick drop in to let you all know the family has been called in for my dad. His blood pressure is dropping and the amount he is breathing on his own is diminishing. Thanks for all of your thoughts.

I shall return in a better frame of mind.

Amy

jasmine

I'm so sorry Amy. Big hugs!

Peter, I have lots of coffee but I thought you drank hot tea like they do in the UK.

Gus

You know, I usually keep my big mouth shut, but I am really offended by the suggestion that anyone is being excluded from this thread. I have great compassion for you, Beth, and I wouldn’t wish the choice you've had to make on anyone. That being said, I do think that it is difficult for anyone who hasn’t been through it to fully understand what it is like to deal with the “aftershocks” of this disease. It’s not a competition or a case of who is worse off than anyone else, it is simply the realization that the ability to make a proactive decision is fundamentally different than the decisions that need to be made once cancer has already struck.

Even though we may not share a common experience, we can have empathy for one another and provide support within the Circle. This is the one place where I can go to talk about the side effects of treatments that have made me feel old before my time, the lingering anger of doing everything right and still getting cancer, the nagging thoughts that the positive lymph nodes and the vascular invasion mean that there are still cells out there ready to strike, the heartbreak of getting close to other sisters who lose their fight, the frustration of being able to watch my friends fret over small things, and the tears shed at recitals, soccer games, and award ceremonies because I am still here to see them. I am honest with the women here because I know that someone will always give me the hug or the kick in the butt that I need.

Beth, no one has asked you to leave and, while I understand your discomfort at posting right now, I hope that you will one day feel safe coming here again. Your question was answered and, while not every response was to your liking, you got honest responses, not malicious attacks.

I love all of you, and the last thing I want to do is argue with anyone here. Just offering my two cents...
Sue

marshakb

Oh (((((((((Amy)))))))) I am so sorry. We are putting you in the center of the circle along with Gina and pulling tight. Special prayers for you and your family tonight. Hugs, Marsha

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING

Just curious. I've got the world's worst onc. When I was dx'd, I knew my mother's sister had had breast cancer.. What I didn't know is that my maternal grandmother had also had breast cancer. Does this mean I could have BRCA?

Peter

Post deleted by Peterj

marshakb

Mzsissy, I too have an aunt and grandmother on the moms side who had post menapausal BC. Apparently it is not the same as them having it premena would have been. I was told tho I qualified to have it done based on that and my age of 45. Marsha

Anonymous

Amy: Know that we are all with you right now. Sending lots of love to you and your family. Its an awful time to go through.



Nicki

jasmine

Peter -- do they have Starbucks in Ozland?

beth1225

Jas, Marsha, Gina, I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty. I am sorry I brought it up. How many ways do you want me to say it?

The minute I say anything about cancer and how it affected me I get trounced on.

So, if we can listen to one voice of reason, let's put it all behind us. The written word has gotten me into trouble and I did not know I was treating anyone here with disrespect. I have never meant to at all. I have meant to mislead anyone and apparently I have managed to offend when I didn;t mean to.

Jas, I have not been trying to hatch a conspiracy as you are making it sound. Again, maybe the written word gets lost in translation when read by other people.

And Marsha, I got the point. I have been humbled when I do not think I have deserved this but I will go pick up my dh at work and go home to a quiet house with no kids and curl up HP5 before my ds comes home with excerpts from the movie.