Starting Chemo in June 2005

JoMac

Yesterday I turned fifty. I was treated with such love. Not the gushy lovey dovey kind but the kind where you get not just one birthday cake but three!
Not just one delivery of flowers but many!
I guess the people in my life felt this was a milestone too.
I suppose fifty would have been anyway. buit instead of worrying about getting older I am praying for it. Bring on those crows feet and wrinkles....PLEASE!
I connected with a buddy who has lung cancer. We used to paint together. He had some good strategies for living with the fear.
He said he made himself what he called a "Breakfast of Possibilities". He sent me a picture of one. It is a good salad with pansies in it , greens, and red and yellow peppers. Full of color and texture.
He said he made his breakfasts the most yummy and pretty way he could and that is how he starts his day.
So I sat today looking at my brown bran muffin and said ...Gee that doesn't look like much of a breakfast of possibilities?
I thinhk I can do better.
That is my goal overall...to think better, act better, be healthy and never forget how precious this time is.
I also am not ready to let go of anybodys hand. So I come back here regularly.

NancyM

Jo - Happy, Happy Birthday!! I hope it is just one of many more milestones! I'm so glad it was a loving birthay, too!

Did you see the post about the Today show looking for your input on how a charity has affected your life? (The winning charity gets a donation.) I posted my 200 words about breastcancer.org. As I was writing it, I realized it was 99% you wonderful women, and 1% the BC facts and research that has helped me these past 7 months. I'm so glad this website was created!

Scout

I'm still hanging in here too....just wanted to pop in and wish everyone a Merry Christmas!
I ended up losing my left expander because of Staph. I had my port tested (I have to keep this for a year because of Herceptin), but the port was fine. They still don't know where the staph came from.
The PS wants to wait 3 months before putting them back in. I'm not sure if I can wait this long because I am on disability and if they think I can work between the two surguries, I am in trouble. I will have to be off work for 4 to 6 weeks after the surgery.
Other than this, I am enjoying my family and doing things around the house getting ready for the holidays. This is the first time I have not felt tired or have had pain in months, so I am enjoying this time!
I hope everyone has a blessed holiday!

LizFL

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JO!!

I'll be 59 on New Year's Eve and looking forward to being 60 next year!

Liz

JoMac

Thanks for the birthday wishes Liz and Nancy.
Today I realized it was the women in my life who sent me flowers. I think they know how much I love flowers but I also think it was a way of giving me back some of the summer that I completely didn't enjoy one bit. I also think they are saying remember new growth signals new life.
The men in my life gave me money or chocolate cake treats. Also life affirming but in a different way.
Almost practical in a "you have to eat" kind of way.
Sort of a nature nuture debate in a way.
I appreciate all of it.
One brother got me a gift certificate to an organic farm.
Any whoo....on to the main event....Christmas and Hanakah .
There is so much to be greatful for.
I have found these boards a huge help and of course our consultant in chief NO Surrender a real life saver.
Scout .....hang in there. You have had a rough road.
somehow you always manage to sound upbeat.

nosurrender

Merry Christmas to my Sweet Junesterettes!
You made it to Christmas!
And next week--- when that ball starts to drop say GOODBYE 2005 year of the Beast and HELLO 2006!!! Year of the new you - new life- and a little bit of Towanda here and there when necessary.

I love you all.

RebeccaH

Happy Birthday Jo!

I loved your story about the Breakfast of Possibilities.
Eat the bran muffin if you love them, but I like the thought of eating 'happy' food first thing in the mornings.
Just wish I could come up with something that fit the category!

Merry Christmas to each of you. I'll be out of town visiting friends for New Year's. Yes, I want something more than sparklers, too. I think lots of ohhh and ahhs will be appropriate.

Here's to a New Year minus the "C" word...

Watson

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwanzaa or whatever rings your bell!

Wishing you all the best this Holiday Season. Here's to Santa bringing us all a big box of Hope and Peace.

Watson

LizFL

Quote:

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Wishing you all the best this Holiday Season. Here's to Santa bringing us all a big box of Hope and Peace. Watson

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Watson, that would be the perfect gift for all of us...very well said!

I would like to thank all of you for the encouragement, humor and support this year of the monster! Reading all your posts has made this a lot easier to get through.

Here's to a Happier and Healthier 2006 for all of us!

Liz

Scout

Nosurrender, I think I'm looking forward to the New Year more than Christmas! I'm looking forward to a fresh new beginning...even though I still have to go through the extender surgery again....the cancer is gone....and I'm getting ready to plant my winter sowing seeds for a garden full of fresh flowers! I wasn't able to plant any bulbs, but with winter sowing, I can look forward to seeing new green beginnings in the spring since the plants are ready to plant very early.
http://faq.gardenweb.com/faq/wtrsow/

Happy Holidays to everyone!!!!

Jenster

Happy Holidays to everyone and a big Happy Birthday to you, Jo!

I, too, am grateful for you ladies. There were so many times when I felt "something" that no one else seemed to understand. But you all did and were so encouraging. You all made me laugh and cry and ponder and just generally feel better about things. "Thank you" just doesn't seem adequate.

I'm looking forward to a new and adventurous 2006. No cancer. No chemo. Hair. lol. And a new home in a new state. Talk about starting fresh! I've been so consumed with preparing this house for listing - and Christmas a little bit - that I haven't had time to think much about everything I've been through. Such a feeling of normalcy. Very hectic, but I welcome it.

I know after the first of the year things will calm down (unless we're lucky and the house sells right away) and then I'll have time to reflect. I don't want to forget. As horrible as a diagnosis and the treatment is, there was so much good that came out of this past year. And a lot of humor, which was something I'd never expected.

Of course, I know it's not over yet. I started the Tamoxifen last week and so far I haven't noticed any side effects. And after we get settled in PA I'll be having a prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction. Not really looking forward to that process, but I am looking forward to feeling whole. Kind of sad that I think I need reconstruction to feel whole, but there it is. My husband is so wonderful and sees me as whole anyway. But it's hard to feel very attractive when you're fat, nearly bald and only have one boob. lol. I am happy to know that he loves my insides (which I happen to have a lot of right now) and still thinks I'm beautiful. What a loon!

Well I've rambled. What a surprise. I've been coming here every day and haven't had the gumption to actually post anything. I guess I'm making up for lost time.

If I don't chat with you ladies before, have a wonderful New Year's Eve! Here's to us in 2006!!! WE ROCK!!!

Love you all!!
Jen

rmmom

Everyone said everything I was feeling in my heart. I am so thankful for all of you, I don't know if I could have held up so so well without your encouragement and understanding.
This Christmas I have been given the big miracle of living without this monster inside me anymore but each day I rejoice in the small miracles like lashes and making dinner without needing to nap afterwards. Nosurrender told us we would emerge changed and stronger and she was right. Who knew when we all were walking around the bottom of the sea and life seemed dark. I feel blessed to know all of you as my sisters and wish all of you a healthy holiday.
Love
Bev

NancyM

I am honored to know such eloquent women...you have all said it better than I could. Here's a warm virtual hug to all of you....(wrap your arms around yourself and SQUEEZE!)

May 2006 be gentle to us all!
Love, Nancy

Analemma

Oh, my, I haven't been on for weeks! And so much to read and respond to!

I had my 6 months check up on Dec. 12, with MRI and mammography. I guess I'll be getting MRI's annually from now on, since the mammo did not see the cancer. But, dancing with NED! I'm still having trouble with the knee, and I finally made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for Thursday. Oh, well, it may mean more surgery, but I just have to get active again! My body feels energetic and wants to exercise and dance, but the knee says "no way!"

Jo, happy birthday! I guessed you to be about 40 from your picture, but you're just a year younger than me! Half a century, what a milestone!

I've got to run, because family is coming in tonight for our (late) celebration tomorrow. Raising my glass to welcome 2006, with all its hope and possibilities. And glad to say so long to '05. It sucked!!

nosurrender

Scout this will be YOUR year!
I am so sorry you have to deal with this infection and new surgery. But at least you are at the END of this journey and not the begining. Lots of people get infections because they have no immunity to fight them while in treatment. I am sure once your immunity builds up you will do fine with the next one.
I got a really bad infection from rads. It was a big pain in the boob. I had to have the infected part removed surgically and then I was fine. At this point, I think I would have been better off with a mast. I look like a patchwork quilt!

nosurrender

Thank you Bev! I knew you all were doubting me!!! BUT you did make it! SEE????

I am so happy for all of you.

nosurrender

I want to thank all of you for the kindness and encouragement you gave ME.

Getting to know you all was such an honor. I have been working on a project that will hopefully help newly diagnosed girls. I had been stuck in neutral until I found you. Then I was able to start again. I truly believe it was your incredible strength and courage but mostly the love you all have for each other that really blew me away.

I am going to miss my June Girls when they are all grown up and have flown the coop!

kimBe

Thanks to everyone for being there for most of 2005! Like everyone else you all mean the world to me.....And I HOPE that when we have flown the coop we will occassionally return to the empty nest! You have all been great and I do not see my life without "Starting Chemo in June 05"---
KimB

NancyM

Here I am with my new hair - and old nose! And old thighs... *sigh* But anyway, I'm loving the two-tone color as I look much younger from the back where the color is surprisingly dark (considering how white the front is!) Tres chic, no?

I seem to have found a small lump in the radiated breast. I have a follow-up mammo a week from Friday, so I hope they tell me it's just a swollen gland. GULP! I can't feel it unless I have aloe or soap suds on my fingers, so it's probably just a left over thingy from rads. Or it's my imagination.

Am I the only one who wakes up at night feeling anxious? I assume it's a post-traumatic/menopause related issue. And, I have made it a whole day without having one of those 2 minute long crying spells. You could almost set your clock by them.

I hope all you post-surgery ladies are well! I think of you often. I've already lost track of anyone who is still going for surgery - sorry! Jellobrain today.

Thank you, NoSurrender for continuing to be our Mamma bird through out all of this. We may be taking little flights from the nest, but we keep coming back to seek shelter from your wings when it gets dark and scary out there!

Have a safe and happy New Year!

LizFL

Nancy...the new "do" looks great and I am jealous! The two tone looks very pretty. Must be wonderful to be able to go out without any head covering. My hair is growing so slowly that yours looks long to me! At least it is finally growing in a way that is all over my head. For a while I thought it was just going to grow back in patches!



Is there any way you can move up your mammo appointment? Most likely there is nothing wrong, but waiting to find out does make the imagination run wild! I don't get too many anxious moments (probably because I still take Xanax), but I do get weepy from time to time. Sometimes I start crying over nothing when I least expect it.



Rads are going fine so far....8 down and 27 to go!



Liz

kimBe

Anxiety----I had very little til the last month---now my brain goes into overload about 20 minutes before bedtime and I am very restless at night. During the day I have the attention span of a 5 year old at times. Had my first post chemo appointment today---chemo brain---I remembered last night driving home that I had been given a script for Tamoxifin that I had not even filled....OMG, got it done today. My Onc moved his office last week---and the new office is beautiful. Will have to look and see if they have a web site....Anyway take care all....
KimB

nosurrender

Anxiety! YES!
Xanax- Absofrigginlutely!!!

You girls HAVE a form of post traumatic stress disorder- it is only natural that it is hitting you NOW when your guard is down. You were so busy in treatement you forgot how scary this was!

Let your spirits catch up to the rest of you... YOU may be out of treatement, but that inner you is still getting over the shock of it all.

Nancy, did you have a lumpectomy or a mast with an implant? MANY girls get a lump from the tube they do the fills for the expanders. And is it anywhere near where your port was- if you had a port?

I had a lumpectomy in the middle of chemo. It turned out to be nothing- but it scared me half to death.

It is normal to be scared NOW. NOW is the time. Just like you didn't get sick when you were getting the infusions, but once you got home you felt things more? Same thing.

TIME is what does it. Time away from it, each day, each step away from the battle makes you feel better.

AND there is nothing wrong with living better through chemistry. A little xanax could go a long way!

Kim, I think in A Farewell to Arms Hemingway wrote: "It is awfully easy to be hardboiled during the day---but at night it is a different matter" (I am paraphrasing but that about sums it up!)

I want a full report on this lump Nancy!

Liz, I still get weepy too!

And for everyone- there ain't NUTHIN to be done about chemobrain. I still have it and if someone interupts me mid-sentence I have no clue what I was talking about. So on that front I can't say it will get any better!

JoMac

My hair looks a lot like yours Nancy. Only it sticks up in a more punky adolescent way.
I find myself struggling with emotions too. Every moment seems so precious. I am trying to visualize a future with me in it. I feel the "fight /flight" response come out of no where and I just try to breathe through it. I do wonder if I will ever feel safe again. I am taking clonopan and ativan if things really get bad.
I knew this would be the hardest time for me. I can always fight a battle. It is the in between quiet times when I find my strength dwindling.
I keep telling myself I found resources I didn't know I had during treatment...therefore those resources will be there for me for what ever comes next.
I do believe this I just want to not have to test it out.
I am too young at 50.
Yesterday my daughter asked what I would do if she died. later in the day she asked me how I think she would do if her father died. The big unasked and more likely question was what will she and my husband do if I die.
It is the subtext in her life obviously, and the major pre-occupation in mine.
I do hope over time this will fade.
Please, please, please let it fade and the sooner the better.
I didn't fight so hard to live so that I could mess it up with living a life of being scared all the time.
do you know what I mean?
It is as if I have the opportunity to make this time a winning time or the "booby prize " (pardon my pun).

Analemma

Jo, I SO know what you mean!!! I spend too much time worrying now that there's nothing more, treatment-wise for me. And, after getting through chemo with minimal side effects, I seem to be having them now - tingling feet, numb hands, aching joints. I think, gees, I hope this isn't going to be my quality of life from here on out! I seem to be in some sort of pain all the time, and it makes me depressed.

I did see the ortho about my knee yesterday. And about the pain in the other heel, and the stiff knuckles in both hands. He says he thinks I just need physical therapy, and, oh yeah, to lose weight! But he's concerned that I may be developing rheumatoid arthritis. It happened during chemo, though I haven't been able to find any info on the web that links the two. I'm going on the theory that it's temporary and will improve with more exercise and more time after chemo. I went to Jazzercise last night and struggled through it, but managed not to injure myself. And today I joined WeightWatchers. So there!!!! If only we could have some sunshine!

kimBe

Brenda-Did I write the first paragraph of your reply....or actually the whole thing except no knee pain and I am struggling to keep my weight up! I had a situation I had to deal with today (professional) and was scared to death...got the best answer I ever expected and had to end to conversation quickly as I was teary....During treatment I was so strong because I thought I was in control and since then I have been back at the bottom of the ocean (madly churning) but I have to just take control and deal with things rather than putting them off like I had on the issue today----if I had just called a month ago how much less worry I would have had. Thanks again for everything all of you have done for me and am changing my attitude Friday afternoon rather than waiting for 2006!
KimB

JoMac

Brenda,
the joint pain and stiffness in my knuckles has gotten so bad that my hands feel like paddles when I wake up in the morning.
I can flap them but I can't make a fist . I have to pump them slowly until I can make my finger tips touch my palms.
As the day goes on they get better. I feel no pain right now. But tonight it will start all over again.
I don't know how this is going to effect my ability to hold a brush and paint. I can't even think about it.
It just has to go away and be O.K.
I just wanted you to know that since about the mid way point of my radiation I have gotten more achy.
Neither the surgeon or oncologist or radiolosgist can tell me why or what to expect.....but Hey we all knew that right?

rmmom

Brenda I have been having lots of joint pain too. I grind my teeth over it because my mother the drama queen calls me daily to tell me about her fibro pains and I think "no way do I want to spend my life complaining like she does" I'll try my exercise like you.
Jo I can't believe your daughter asked about dying. My six year old son was cuddling before bed the other night when asked me what I would do if he died, I cried so hard my husband wanted to give me wine to calm down. I am one of those mothers that stand with the mirror over their mouths to see if my children are breathing. THAT is what keeps me awake. I don't worry about this coming back or not making it. I DO worry about my children driving or getting cars with others. I pace and lay awake at night over it. We've had children each of my children's age die in our town and it scares more than anything I faced here. Just typing this is hard for me.
I had a mystery solved Christmas morning. My DH seems to like pine. We have a real tree even though have the family sneezes and sniffs our way through the season. Well I was getting awful awful headaches-the sick kind. I thought-stress but no christmas morning I get Junpier Breeze in my stocking!!-Gently I tell DH I can't use it, makes me sick, then he tells me he has been using the JB soap he got me last year. THAT IS WHY I HAVE BEEN SICK!!! DUH! . LOL LOL Soap gone and so are headaches.

PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ

nosurrender

Hello all you achy girls!

One of the fun facts of chemo that they conveniently left out of the pamphlet is that you can get Chemo - induced arthritis. AND if you have a dormant auto-immune disorder it can also rear its ugly head from chemo.

SO:
You are not crazy or are you imagining it. And your onc won't admit HE could have possibly caused it.

This is the time for your PCP. Tell them that you think you have this and get tested- there is a blood test for Rheumatoid Arthritis and an MRI will show any osteo-arthritis too.

Don't suffer.

I wouldn't be able to get out of bed if I didn't have my anaprox 550 waiting for me!

Bev! Juniper Breeze? Sounds like you needed Columbo on that mystery case! Glad you got it straightened out. I used to get hayfever every time I drank tea- so I drank more thinking it would "break it up." Two years later I had an allergy test done that one of the weeds I was allergic to was Chamomile. THAT was the tea I was drinking!

LizFL

Bev..thank you for the Birthday wishes! That is really cute that the board puts a little birthday cake on the posts when it's your birthday...just noticed it!



My joint and bone pain has finally eased up. Still have some, mostly in lower legs and feet...but much better than it was. I do hope that when I start taking the Arimidex after radiation that it does not come back, since that seems to be one of the side effects of the Arimidex.



Last year I injured a thigh muscle while on a cruise and guess what...reinjured it this year. At first it wasn't bothering me too much...or because of the joint aches and pains I didn't notice it as much. Now it is really acting up and I had to dig out the cane I had from last year. I have an appointment with my PCP on Thursday for something else, and decided to wait until then because I just couldn't deal with making another doctor appointment!



9 rads down...27 to go. Starting to get a little pink and I get very sleepy tired, but at least it's moving along. I think my car knows how to drive there and back by itself...plus rad office is right near onc's office!



Liz

nosurrender

I never saw that cake before! It must be something they are doing special for YOU!

Good! You deserve it!

Happy Birthday Baby!